720
Listening to: Dashboard Confessionals - Age Six Racer
Feeling: impatient

This weekend I planned on going home only on Sunday merely cuz I would get a ride with Claine and wouldn't have to pay for gas. So I planned on going to Frightmares with the brown boy Saturday night until Mindy changed those plans like 5 minutes before it was supposed to happen. Grr. She wanted Claine and I to come up "right now". She wanted help with the sick kids I suppose. I guess it's to a point that I'm not even good enough to help Mindy with the kids anymore. She always wants Claine. Anyway... so we packed up and headed up to Logan at like 5pm. I think I upset a few people leaving so suddenly....

I got up there and went shopping cuz Mindy didn't want my help. I bought a cute purple shirt at Ross and then a black skirt at Wally World for Kirris wedding in November.

I'm glad I got to shop up in Logan...cuz to get to Ross and Wally World in one night in SLC woulda been a hassle going from Bountiful to 1300 South - to 'maybe' get an outfit. This way I just had to cross the street in good ol' Logan.

Then I got home and chatted with me pops. He's a funny and passionate man about certain things. Then I ran to the store for the sicko's that fergot to buy medication while they were at the store. I brought Max. He was cute with his nose barely stickin out the window. Automatic windows baby.

Then I started texting Cris around 11pm. He basically asked if I wanted to hang out (he never really outright asks such things) and so... I told him I was in Logan. I didn't really wanna cuz he told me I had to tell him the next time I went to Logan so he could come too...and I didn't tell him...and so he got mad. He had a lil' tissy fit. Honestly, I felt very joyful for his anger. How evil of me. But I also felt some anger cuz he told me he was too busy to even date me, why in the world would he have time to go to Logan on a weekend?! Grr. But anyway...He has like the rest of his life to make it to Logan, any weekend he wants really. So I thought it was no big deal, he could come next weekend or something. But he was still having a fit at like 12:30am.

Then in my slow thinking process around 1am in the morning I remembered that I didn't take my car with me so he could bring my car up here in the morning if he wanted to come up here so bad. So I told him he could take my car and he went from mad to "super excited". *rolls her eyes* If only I woulda thought about that like an hour ago and he woulda been fine. Oi. So he had a way to go to Logan so he stopped talking/being mad at me and we went to bed... I think. I had a super huge headache, it was like a migraine and I don't have those, so I couldn't sleep until like 2:30am.

Stupid James called and asked for the same thing he always does. And I told him no, like I do...every other time. And he called me wishy washy. I said, I was trying not to be, an honest effort, its not easy. And I told him I wasn't gonna be his lil' toy until he moved away from SLC and the bad influences (me) and that I didn't deserve to be treated like crap and he said "If thats the way you see yourself as (the toy er whatever) then I can't change that, but I don't treat you like crap"

Is it me, or that sentence contradict itself? I didn't want to say anymore. I wanted sleep. So I suppose James will never call me again, at least for two months. Seems to be the longest he's stopped communication with me without getting a girlfriend.

After many awake hours and pain in the early morning and lots of pills I managed to sleep for a bit in a fairly odd position.

I got up and watched conference. Cris stole the car from Grandmas house. I looked up car insurance quotes and found that paying $85 a month isn't so bad, being a 21 yr old single female. Then we had grilled cheese sandwhiches and soup. Cris still hadn't shown up so I figgered he found someone to visit. He has a bazillion ppl to see in this valley that he hasn't seen in like a year. He loves it up here. It is weird having him know so much about the valley as if he grew up here.

He came in and hugged me and my parents. He's not an elder anymore...but hugging was not the first reaction, but yeah. He told us that he got sick after he started writing me. He had internal hemorrhages and ulcers from stress. So he had to have surgery or something? He told us his anesthesia story....super hilarious. And then he stopped writing me and he got better. He's so..delicate with the facts. He seems to indirectly insult me. Somehow I can handle direct insults from ppl better than indirect insults from him. I make him sick with stress. "I need time" "I need space" but really... he ment to say "You make me sick".

We watched conference again and he was a cuddle bug. Can't believe it's been a year since the last time he was watching conference with me and we had played flirty eyes most the time. He always wanted me to touch him and vise versa. It was awesome. He gives and receives love in the same language I do. Bow chicka wow wow!!

I kept thinking of Natalie and Arthur going to the temple. I have so much hope for them..prolly more than I do. One more year for them I bet. I wish them that blessing more than anything in the world. And then I remembered Packers talk and the realization came to me that the only thing I could do for James is pray. I have to leave his life, can't even be friends, just leave and it hurts, and all I can do is pray. I cried.

Then I got the band on my jeans wet and stretched them enough so I could fit into them and left with Cris to visit some of his favorite families. I bet he felt obligated to take me cuz it was my car... He verbalized like 50 times how much he wanted to stay the rest of the evening with certain families so I told him he could. I could go home and eat with my family. He said, but your more important or something like that.

It was kinda...odd in general tho. I vaguely know these families. Ya know, living in the same city as them and working with them with church stuff, so I know 'em...but he's like..so close to them. One person gained so much love for all these families that... I grew up with and didn't feel that close to. Weird.

We arrived at my house at 5:30pm and saw the parking lot in front of the house. -Everyone- was there. Cris had second thoughts when we pulled up. hah Then he said something surprising... "We've just started dating and I'm meeting your whole family" and I was like..."dating? What? did I miss something?" and he responded "So I changed my mind!" just as we reached the crowded kitchen :D Warm fuzzies.

I love dinners when the whole family is there. Especially my two brothers. Love my sister, really, but I seem to relate to the boys a bit more and I dont see them as often. We sat the table and chatted for an hour or so. Loryn made her Ziti dish. Yum yum. Dustin made cheese and broccoli soup. Mom made apple crisp. Yum yum. Cris and I touched each other like the whole meal. I love that feeling.

I knew Cris was eager to go visit other families I could tell. He asked if I was ready to go and I said no jokingly. I went to the bathroom and to get my coat and he comes up and says he's going to visit and he'll be back soon. Jerk. I'm coming too! And then in the car he explained it might be awkward coming to these houses cuz the girls were interested in him or whatever on his mission also, and might be weird coming with him and all the assuming.

He said he was going to visit the Laws. Hold the phone! Breeann Law?! She wanted to date you?! How does that girl get -every- guy -before- I do? Stupid so called sister from high school! Luckily tho I heard Kiwi say that she was married already. Phew. Nobody was home tho. Double phew.

And the last house was the Allens and there was Nichelle Allen all growed up and in college. (She's only a year younger than me)... We had fun at that house. Cris said he had a big announcement to make. Wrong thing to say. "don't worry we're not getting married (as they look for a ring on my finger)...sheesh we've only been dating for like a week.." Did he just..say what I ...thought he..said? Huh? He was talking about going on a date with Nichelle in the car just a bit ago..and now he's hinting at dating at me? This kid is messed up.

Anyway, Heard Cris explain his life for like the 6th time tonight. Mr. Allen kept talking directly to me, explaining things they were talkin about, and including me in the convo. Kinda cool to have attention and feel involved. Scott Marshall came over with Nichelle and he didn't remember me. How sad. I reminded him of Derek Bruins and it clicked. Ugh. I think that association will haunt me for a long time.

We left around 10:30pm...and got my stuff at the house. Said bye to Mum and did the whole excited mouthing and dance while Cris wasn't looking. He drove my car the whole day. Weird being a passenger in my own car, but kinda nice. I needed to see Natalie, Arthur and Sara before I went home after thinking about them so much during conference, so we stopped by. I walked in and attacked Natalie with hugs. I went in to see if Sara was asleep and she was on her hands and knees staring at me. She started crying a bit when I wasn't mother so I picked her up and came out. They all accused me of waking her up for my selfish needs. mwhahaha. But I didnt..... I held her forever and ever and didn't wanna let her go. I missed her soo much and I saw her like last weekend...

After that I was good to go. It was about 11pm. Yikes. He didn't want to leave that late...but I was fine with it. It's my car, my say so :P jk. He's fun to tease.

Then during the car ride he basically took back everything he had said during the day. He started out with the complements "You're so nice and pritti and I love your family and its so fun hanging out with you..." blah blah and you KNOW there's a "BUT" in there...(he insisted there was not "but" after all that)

Drat! I almost had him! I was almost there once again! Ugh. Practicing more patience.

He feels that he could totally say I'm the one and just date me and plan marriage with me in the future...but that he kinda feels like he's robbing himself of other opportunities by not trying to know other girls, ya know? I understood. I realize I would be totally selfish monopolizing him to myself, so he didn't even have a chance to learn if I was the right one (like mindy did) but I was okay doing that... :D But whatever, he wants to go find out if theres someone better out there. (well duh!) I never win that game! There is always someone better out there.

So he went from "we can only be friends cuz I dont have time to date you" to "I changed my mind, we can date" to "I want to date many girls at once, so we can't act like we're exclusive, we have to act more like friends, dating friends" As in less touch an' stuff. In general that just makes both of us feel better, friends or not...but whatever. He's still confused.

So I just said, bottom line for me, I know yer confused and you feel like you gotta figger life out a bit so just so you know...I'm not going anywhere, my life hasn't changed that much, and I dont think it'll change in the near future...so if you want me around I'm here for ya, if you don't want me then we can be friends (kind of hard to avoid if we both go to the valley...together...a lot). I gots all the time in the world. I suppose I can wait for him to figger it out.

I predict he might have it figgered it out after Christmas. But then again, he has his life planned out in years, which year he'll graduate, which year he'll be ready to marry, etc. Pff. Oh, and his networking skills make me sick. That kid has more connections in this state than I do and I've lived here all my life. Sickening.

Breathe Wednesday Breathe.

I can do this.

I'm not totally worth it.

But he totally is.

Patience, my dear.

We got to SLC at like 1am. Then he texted me this morning and said he was sick and throwing up all night. Great. Lets just reiterate how sick I make that boy when I communicate with him. I would offer to help, but I think I'd just give him more stress/sickness.

I suppose I'm just not good for the boys health I'm afraid.

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001 - Year 2005
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