726
Listening to: Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life
Feeling: used

To Cris:

Just dating? Taking it slow? Not jumping into anything? Not even thinking about marriage for like 3 years? Sorry about the mixed signals? Don't want to be exclusive? Want to date others?

bullshit. bullshit. bullshit.

You didn't even remotely like me did you? You never even thought about being with me at any point in time, did you? Maybe for last resort, but from the beginning you didn't have any intentions of any of the things you said to me? Did you?

YOU USED ME TO GET TO HER.

From the beginning. That FIRST night we were together I told you from one day that when you told me you didnt have the time or money to date me, that I knew it was an excuse! But you INSISTED that it wasn't an excuse, and that you wanted to be friends and maybe date in the future. I should've known from the beginning and not believed you! And then you continued that whole "confused RM" excuse the whole time you were leading me on! ARGH. I can't tell if I'm mad at you or myself now...

You claimed you had no time to date me. But you'd find the time and dime to get the weekend off and go to Logan. You still said we could hang out when you had the time. While you found the time and dime to go up to Logan a week later and spend a three day weekend there! Like I said, if you really wanted to date you'd make the time. And hey, looky, yer making the time....with someone else! Duche! And now yer trying to make it a regular thing to get Mondays off and spend it up there.

Ugh, the things that you said that night that will stick in my head forever! That one certain line that I can't get out of my head. It's burned in there forever just like Dereks nasty words and some things my father said to me growing up. It's stuck and won't go away!

"My plan worked in bringing you to the house, it made her really really jealous"

That stinging. That burn. That prick of pain is always there! Everytime I think about it! And it doesn't heal!

UGH. I just remembered that while we were AT HER HOUSE that he told them that "we had only been dating for a week"! And as a twitterpated girl who likes the boy that just said this, you can imagine the joy that made me feel thinking that he was okay dating me now, enough to tell it to the world. But NO he was just saying that to make HER jealous. He had no intentions of carrying on with that statement! And he KNEW full well that I had feelings for him. How could he not after that day?! Seriously?! He took it ALL back in the car on the way home. Changed his mind about -everything- that day. How many times can you crush someone and not realize it?!! Makes me sick to my stomach!

If I keep thinking about it I'll remember all these little details that just went along with his plan to use me and I'll just get sicker and sicker. Nice to know that he can have the same effect on me as I did him. Puking.

You asked if we were good enough friends to share your girl problems. If I would get mad? If I would get jealous? If I would use it against you down the road? I had no idea what you ment. I thought you'd just mention a couple dates you went on. But no, you went straight to her with all yer giddy twitterpattion, that you dated her and then you kissed her!

Are you seriously that thick that you think it's OK to tell me things like that? I thought you'd at least sugar coat some of it! But no, you were bluntly honest and you know FULL WELL that I still have feelings for you. And you just blantantly crushed me like a bug. Right there, in front of the theatre after the movie. How could you say things like to me and NOT expect me to be offended or mad in some way??? Do you normally tell ppl you use them and they're cool about it?

I'm not jealous that you want to be with Nichelle. She is a great girl and I wish the best for her. But I'm NOT okay being used in order to get to her.

I don't know which one is worse...

The fact that you lied to me from the beginning, with no intentions of dating me and yet leading me on (after you even acknowledge you were leading me on) while pursuing another girl OR the fact you USED me in your little 'plan' in catching the girl! GAH! Or maybe the fact that you don't even know you hurt me.

Now it's kinda making more sense the fact that you wanted to hang out with me sometimes and I ended up taking you to the store or to get movies or games for the Wii. Just using me for my car? Ya know all your networking contacts? Yea, I've just become one of them. One of those ppl you use and doesn't have anything to give back. Duchebag!

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place?

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room?

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you screaming

I let you take my car to Logan! My mother gave you food! I let you meet my family! You let them think you liked me! You let ME think you liked me! You were just using me and my car to get to her! I bet if I went to Logan that weekend you wanted me to go (the week you kissed her) you prolly would've taken MY car to take her out on a date! You weren't even thinking about me when you asked me to take you to Logan were you!? You asked to go Sunday night, didn't you know full well that I'd just have to turn around and come back? Wasn't it obvious that I couldn't do that? Do you even think before you speak?!

You say you're confused and can't decide what to do and being fresh off a mission is disorienting. Well here's some news. You are a grown adult. You know right from wrong. And you can't use that excuse forever. And it seems pritti obvious what you want right now, no confusion.

And you had the NERVE to keep calling me FRIEND the rest of that night! Damn you!

Ugh. You are so dense!

Even if you were sorry, I'm not sure there's anything you could say/do to make it better. You burned this bridge pritti bad, "my friend".

"To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life"

Now that I know who you really are...

I can move on...

o o o o o o o o o o o o o

It's not like I'm super mad about Cris per say, I wasn't really that attached to the kid. I'm okay losing him, especially after this episode. It's just the fact that this keeps happening to me. Being used. Usually it's for my body. But this...this was a different kind of used... Why does this keep happening to me??? Will I ever NOT be used? What am I doing wrong? Do I have a sticker on me that says "Use me"?

I don't want to be the full time working city girl who is lonely at night. I don't want to be the girl who cries at night because no one can hear her.

Ugh. I've had so many emotions in the past few days. I have been really mad, really hopeful, really excited, to really sad. It's a roller coaster. A ping pong ball. Talk about all the highs and lows in life. Things are changing quickly for me. And I find I got a new job, but all my relationships are disappearing(not that I had a lot to begin with)... Can't a good thing ...juss happen to me once in a blue moon? A good thing happened to me and I feel like my life is falling apart. Gotta take all one day at a time so I don't get an emotional overload. Oh wait, it's too late!

"My plan worked in bringing you to the house, it made her really really jealous"

332 hit(s) Love, me  
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001 - Year 2005
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