Listening to: Matchbox Twenty - Push
Dallin called me last night. At the beginning of my movie, Fifth Element, which was playing on TV so I couldn't stop it by any means. He apparently has been thinking a lot about family after watching Saturdays Warrior. He wanted to call and tell me that he loved me. That almost never happens. I felt loved. He related to the movie/play by making a pact in the before-life that we would help each other on earth to get back to the after-life. He wondered if our family had that pact. It was slightly sad that he even had to ask that question. I believe whole-heartedly that as siblings we are connected at least with one other sibling, so we're all connected together and always will be. But we got talkin like we usually do and he got on his lil' soap box about his negative views of our family and his views of his future. It was slightly sad and depressing that he viewed our family like that and felt that much pressure from his future, but I know it's real to him.
I thought about Mothers tactics. She's spending her life/time trying to convince Dallin that he has anxiety and depression and needs pills and all the reasons why he doesn't want to hang out with family etc, and he is not believing that AT ALL. And in the process thinks that Mother has lost her marbles cuz she won't grasp the fact that 'its not true'. Would it be better to badger him with this mental disability crap his whole life til he finally leaves us or should we change the way we treat him and cater to the things he feels are real in order to keep him with us? The latter wouldn't kill us to learn not to tease or use sarcasm between siblings. Forget the badgering and pills, lets just validate him for what he's done and refrain from teasing him so that he'll stay with us.
I kept thinking he's trying so hard to hang onto us, but it's just so hard for him. I fully admit our family has issues. Mainly with the judging, assuming, teasing and sarcasm. Something needs to be done, to change. He's slipping away. I'm losing my brother because of the things the family says and the intentions he assumes we have. We have to save him. I have to save him. I have to do -something- so I don't have to live one day with the knowledge that he disowned his family and I did nothing about it. I have to try.
I went to bed after that convo with that uneasy slightly depressed feeling. It hasn't gone away this morning either. My thoughts turned the things said and done that made me feel the way he prolly feels regarding family. Those thoughts go along the lines of WY and James. I must stop thinking of sad thoughts. Must stop thinking period. And to go along with that....