Listening to: Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
I must be stressed or some extreme emotion that I'm not detecting cuz I'm having some whacked out dreams.
The first was this dream that my ex beau from highschool showed up one day out of the blue, well I dont recall how we got back in touch but the point is he asked me to marry him and it seemed like we were both old and desperate so I said yes for some crazy reason. I'm sure many brides have that whole 'grasp on reality' slip for awhile where you seriously have to concentrate to really believe that this is happening, like you're really getting married, forever, with him, life will change as you know it, blah blah. Well, when most brides reach that reality its usually a scary but blissful feeling. For me, in my dream/nightmare, I felt absolutely sick inside, with doubt screaming, fear bursting, guilt snipping at me. One of those feelings you wish you could show physically outside your body instead of it being trapped inside tormenting you. I just wanted to wretch -everywhere-, but it stayed inside my body and I just felt wrong. In a dream it was the worst feeling I could ever imagine. That was NOT a cool dream. I dont care how old or desperate I am, I am NOT marrying that kid.
I dont recall my second dream really... something about someone trying to hurt my mom. *shrugs* Maybe it was the one about someone attacking my roommate. I dunno.
But last night seemed to have taken the cake because it made total sense in my brain (well, in a dream). I was thinking about my old highschool stalker. He obviously had a crush on me and followed me around everywhere and he just recently came back into my life physically. He never stopped writing me letters or emailing me, but its like the first time I've seen him in years. Anyways he showed up at my house recently (this is real) and we talked. I wondered how he knew I was at the house (since I live elsewhere) and how long he had been waiting for me (cuz he knocked on the door before when I was out). Chalked it up to being a stalker.
So in my dream I was putting pieces together, about how he knows when I'm coming home, how long he waits, how long he talks to me and what he says, why he keeps asking me out when he knows I'm not interested, ya know trying to figger him out a bit to know why he still stalks me. I then realized almost every time he talks to me and/or writes he somehow oddly mentions that he's still a virgin (this part is true). Awkward, I know. Its something I dont care about, never will, but yet he keeps telling me this as if its important to both of us. Then it clicked. He's been a virgin since highschool, ever since he laid eyes on me and he wanted ME to be HIS first.
Even outside the dream it kinda makes sense, ya know? Thats the scariest part. Ew. Maybe most ppl have dreams about physical or scientific things that cant be done in reality? I have practical dreams that could very well come true if I pinpoint the right motives?
Obviously, the dream took a very wrong turn after that something with him using my favorite drink to slip a roofy and something about his grandmas home in Bensen and kidnapping my dog also.. blah blah dont need detail on that. And for once in my life my family actually noticed that I was gone and most likely not of my own free will and actively searched for me when I didn't come home by Christmas morning, like 2 days later, but still, they eventually caught on. It was a slight triumph when my parents actually believed I didnt want to have sex this time. It was a triumph when my parents defended me and knew things about me and my dog that the cops didnt know.
I only have these distressing type of dreams where I or someone else gets hurt when I'm stressed or scared about something. There's nothing going on in my life, quite literally, to be stressed about. I'm bored out of my mind at work, I watch movies/TV all day at work and home, I clean stuff when I have to. I don't plan on going anywhere or seeing anyone in the near future, heck I dont even have to find a place to park downtown (which is a real holiday stresser). I'm excited for Christmas and I only fear the weather will be like that last storm I was caught in. The only other thing I can think of is Brian, the lil' weirdo.
I think I'm going crazy. Perhaps its too late for that.
"Who do you think you are? Running around leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts. Tearing love apart. You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me. Don't come back AT ALL." - Perri