1001
Feeling: giddy

Sooooo

Renee had a mental breakdown with her schizo/depression paranoia.  She hasn't been taking her meds apparently for the last 7 months?  She believes that her ex Alan is behind everything and is trying to kill her.  People are walking around and moving things in her house at night so she's not sleeping anymore.  People are always watching, staring and plotting against her.  She can't trust anyone to help her cuz Alan has somehow got to them too and turned them against her. 

The worst part is is that its so REAL to her.  She's terrified.  She can't eat or sleep or trust anyone.  She hasn't gotten hostile with her extended family yet she just thinks we dont believe her.  She's decided that she'd rather kill herself first before Alan (or her boys?) kills her because they 'are killing me any way'.  She doesn't want any help from a hospital or health center of any kind cuz they'll just drug her and brain wash her.  She told Jannis her fear that she'd rather just kill herself first before someone else does.  And she went to Mindy for help. 

Mindy tried to get her into a hospital but they wouldn't admit her or help her and she didn't really wanna go anyway.  So then she asked me to take the kids to Jannis' while she tried to find a place that would take Renee involuntarily for her safety and actually get her on pills. 

Gma left for a week or two, not even gone a day or two, and everything goes to pot regarding her daughter.  man oh man.  Its so sad.  She's a good person.  I think one of the worst parts of all of it besides the fact that its so real to my aunt is the fact that her mind has turned her own mother against her.  Shirley has the same thing and she's blamed her mum for some horrible things and everything about her life and refuses to talk to her sometimes and is just plain rude to this sweet lady.  I can't even imagine how it feels to be the mother of schizo/depression/paraniod children who...who hate you.  That must hurt soo much.  You want to help but they think yer just trying to kill/hurt them and blame you for everything.  It takes a strong women to handle so many children with this mental illness.

Why does God make ppl with brains that turn against them and everything/one they love?  God is all about agency and giving us the right to choose Him or not, so why does he create ppl and minds that incapacitate themselves?  I realize that not taking your meds is a choice, but why does that have to be in equation at all? Some ppl can't even make that choice lucidly even when the meds work?  I dunno.  I think it totally sucks.

And the worst part is that it is genetic and runs through the family and she's not the first one to go all crazy on us.  Shirley and Gill Ray Jr had it too I hear.  I love my brother, but I have to predict that in like 30 or 40 years this episode is gonna be him.  He already has the mentality that he's doing okay without meds and I know he has this paranoia going on.  He's already started accusing his mum to be off her rocker too.

Please dear God don't take my mind, my ability to think rationally (not that I have that ability now, but still) please dont make my mind betray me and the ones I love, dont let me forget, dont let me hurt them.

Meanwhile... we went to the Valley Mental Health place she was staying at Sunday night (Mar 6) and played the game Sorry with her, Mindy and I and her boys.  Renee was going around asking everyone how they were doing and she got to me and asked "Do you have a guy in your life?" She knows my luck with boys, she has the same luck.  And Mindy has no idea that I have a guy in my life, the past month I've hidden him well.  So I said yeah.  Renees next question "Do you have a picture?"  Who...thinks to ask that? Seriously?  So I said yeah and then I realized his pic will ...spark some more questions... Sure enough, she looks at the pic of Evan and then asks "He's a lot older than you?  like 10 years?"  By this time I'm like beet red "Something like that........"

I was okay answering those questions... I mean they are legit and basics that ppl would want to know....right?  But then her next question just blew me out of the water.  She asks, "Has he been married before?"  Most ppl assume he's just the weird older guy that doesnt have the social skills to keep a girl and maybe never had a gf before, let alone married... But she got him spot on.  I just gasped out her name in embarrassment "Reenneeee" She started laughing and finally chokes out "I'll be Jeremy"   The last time I brought a boy over to Sunday dinner Jeremy was there and asked a whole lot of awkward questions to Brian and embarrassed everyone really.  She thought it'd be funny to imitate her son's lack of social skills and ask me about my older guy friend.  We laughed SO hard after she said that.  She was like red and crying.  It was good to see her laugh tho. 

So now Mindy has learned for the first time that I have a guy friend... She was contemplating the whole 10+ years older than me thing.  She's only 8 years older than me, so that makes him...older than her... and she's like "thas kinda weird'....  I know right!  Then I told her some more things about him, his maturity, independence, education, personality traits that seem similiar to her hubby and she's decided that she likes him already.  Weird.  She's excited. This is the first time they've been 'glad' or 'excited for me' about a guy and really 'want' me to bring him home.... o.O  Kinda makes me excited and a lil' proud that I can..brag about him... Maybe this judging thing wont be so..bad...

 

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