Listening to: Boys Like Girls - Broken Man
It was day three of feeling utterly stupid and alone yesterday.
I don't generally have 'bad days' cuz, well, my work doesn't really consist of much that could go so horribly wrong. I juss type and answer phones. The worst case scenario is stupid ppl on the phone, lost my mojo with typing, or the boss is on a rampage. But its all forgotten when I go home.
But I think I can say officially this week is generally labelled a 'bad week'. With the exception of baby Gunner being forced into this world on Thurs. Nov 17 2011. :D
Sunday I felt totally stupid and picked on with my extended family, with the help of my bf, making fun of me and the things I said and the general picking on me they usually do. I juss wanted a fun family activity to do together that was supposedly on the more 'grown up' side of life. We don't all pile in a van that often and do things together.
Monday I was still hurt by the night before and I reached out to immediate family to talk to and the response was "you always wake me up". Felt stupid waking Mum up. Felt stupid calling about my refund check as it was sitting at home. Felt stupid not being able to read cursive on indexing.
And then the feeling of aloneness settled in. My extended family makes me feel stupid, my boyfriend makes me feel stupid, and my immediate family isn't helping. Who else does that leave really? I dunno. I know I'm not alone but it sure felt like it at that moment. I haven't felt that way in a long time. Usually at least my bf is on my side.
Tuesday the boss decided it was a good time to point out all my weaknesses I have in the office such as spelling at times and getting document names right, etc. I did not appreciate it at the time. You can be a secretary for 20+ years and still make spelling errors. Its human.
I guess it was the way he told other ppl about my weaknesses to cover his butt that seemed the most offensive. He blames me for things all the time to cover his butt which is okay sometimes cuz I get paid well. But we both kind of have a 50/50 fault in our mistakes. He decided to call the attorney up who got the faulty letter and claim that "someone in this office" doesn't know how to spell or what have you.
Normally he doesn't do that, and normally I don't hold on to it forever, but today, in my track record of feeling stupid, I remembered it all night.
Well, its day four and I can't say that I feel stupid or lonely as I did the past few days, but I can tell you it is a bad day. Yesterday sucked and I didn't want to remember all the stupid things I did, it kept running through my head, so I went to bed early. I couldn't sleep. All the voices in my head. I think it was too hot. I felt wide awake most of the night. I finally got fed up with it and moved to the couch. An hour later, 5AM, I heard tiny noises from under the sink. I got out a flashlight and saw that my mouse trap had a mouse in it, but it was dead, so what was making those noises? I went back to the couch and heard the noises again. There must be another mouse in there. It sounded like it was lifting something up and dropping it and lifting it up again. So that was a joyful thought: there are mice in my house and my trap is being occupied by a very stiff (caught LONG ago) mouse. They are so small. Babies? Lots of them? And then the thought of dealing with that when I woke up again. So... I didn't sleep well.
The rest of the day is filled with those irritating small moments in life such as a funny bone experience, losing typing mojo, number lock buttom pushed, malfunctioning websites, stubbed toes, work made harder than it should be, losing documents, mistakes that require the undo button immediately, paper cuts, silivers from wood desks, random aches and pains, painful sneezes, clicky excitment (hand spasms?) on the mouse and clicking the wrong button twice (or more) on accident like I am now.... etc.