Listening to: Veni Veni - Mannheim Steamroller
Gunner! Where are you?! Why don't you want to come out?! Okay, maybe that was a stupid question... You gotta get out of yo momma sometime! Do you have big shoulders? Are you more than 8lbs? I have so many questions baby!
I wonder if journals are like prayers. They can be heard/read by those in the next world? Like the silent pleas we make in our mind or whisper to ourselves?
Anyways, I think I can safely judge my mental state of mind by the boys reaction.
He likes the least amount of emotions as possible like most boys, right? So when he gets upset at me when I am having an emotion then I can guage my mental stableness. And at least since July he has not had an upset moment because of an emotional change so I feel my mental state is fairly stable. Until now. Example: Apparently I'm not depressed because the boy hasn't been mad at me for being sad the past three months.
And this week I have had emotions. I feel stupid and picked on and I get mad and sad at such situations. So therefore the boy has gotten mad at me for changing my mostly stable mood. He has deemed me crazy for being sensitive, which totally lightens up my mood by the way, and wonders if it will last forever. I am having a bad week. I wish he would be more gently, tender, and sensitive to my needs at this time. It's only a week. I'm not crazy, not spiraling into a depression, not going to commit suicide. Its -just- a bad week. Please, give me a break this week. You'll have one too sometime and you'll want me to be helpful, supportive and gentle also. Besides you can't always call a girl crazy and refer her to counseling and medications every time she's on her period. Ridiculous and offensive.
Sometimes I think its good to be able to tell if I'm depressed, or some other unhealthy state of mind, by the boys reactions, but sometimes I think it makes me less....human? It feels like I've had a real human emotion for the first time in three months. Makes me wonder what state of mind I was in during those past three months to make his life feel stable? Makes me wonder why, if I'm stable for a good three months, why he can't let me have ONE week to have an emotion (aunty flow most of the time) And why he thinks its the end of the world when I have an emotion other than happy happy? I want to say he has a severe lack of "seeing the bigger picture"? Not sure if most men have that issue.....
Don't worry dear boy I'll be "normal", happy happy and/or emotionlessness next week, just the way you like it. Until then, you need to get out of my house.