Listening to: Rent - Without You
I could sit here and think...and think...
About how this is all going to play out. Step by step.
I can see the snowball reaction.
Sometimes I worry so much about what he's going to do without me...
That I forget to wonder what I'm going to do. What my reaction will be. How I will survive.
I can see the snowball starting with alcohol and soon adding sex back into his life.
The premise that you can't just do without something. You have to replace it.
I'd rather him replace me, as much as that hurts, than be the kind of boy that sits around and begs for attention, begs to be let back into your life, follows you around all the time. Just move on.
I went over yesterday for a couple of hours. I was so tired from coming home from L town at like 12:30am.
He sat in his room and played computer games. Sigh.
I got bored and eventually went home.
The only reason I stayed as long as I did was because of the cute cat. I am so tempted to go get a cat for me if only for these hard times about to come...
Who wants to sit and watch someone play games all night? I told him I didnt want to come over in the first place, but he wouldn't consider coming over to my house so I just said I'd stop by for a bit.
I went home early so I could get some things done while he prolly continued to play his compy games.
We usually make plans with each other by the end of each work day.
But we haven't made contact with each other today.
I'm not going to initate it. He noticed my mood kinda changed yesterday.
I think he knows what I'm not saying. He continues on as if he doesn't.
But then again, maybe, cuz he is a boy, he has no idea.
I'm stuck in this slight depression mode, its really a lot of thinking, sad thinking.
I know this because every song I listen to, every off hand comment someone makes, I think way to hard about the words. Way too hard. I used to listen to emo music (Dashboard) every time I broke up with someone and those words would just...make me feel so validated in my pain or something.
It all makes my tummy hurt. Maybe I'll lose weight during a breakup. IF the break up actually happens. Well, I guess I'd feel this way even if I don't successfully break up with him. Boy, will I think twice about a relationship again.
Maybe if I stop initiating any contact. He'll get the hint.
He already seems to be starting to replace me. Maybe he'll continue.
Surely, he knows I wont stick around if he starts doing such things to replace the time of being with me. Like the computer all night last night. Like the alcohol in his fridge.
I know he doesn't go to church anymore. I won't ask him anymore.
He carries on as if he hasn't changed anything at all. I see him; I can tell.
Well, that and his roommate told me.
Whatever path he decides I know I must not feel at fault.