1167
Listening to: Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
Feeling: irritable

It is soo hot.  Its been 100+ degrees this whole weekend. 

I think we got 105 the other day.  I think thats a record. 

I can't even think about eating food in this heat.  I just want cold glasses of water for meals.

I only eat meals cuz its out of habit mostly, but my stomach hasn't told me its hungry in a few days. 

I never met the water quota you are supposed to match before 100 degree weather, I'm certainly not meeting the quoto now after 100+ heat. 

And to top it all off Aunti Flow has decided to come this weekend too! 

Hot.  Irritable.  Pain.  Annoyed.  Dont want to eat.  Drink. Drink. Headache. 

Its so hot I'm sure every swimming pool available is packed full.  

I'm sure with the combination of my emotions, sensitivity, and hotness I have been angry at the boy almost every single day we've hung out this weekend.  I can't entirely say its not him, its me, cuz he does that similar behavior ALL the time, even when I'm not my period.  So I can't be totally crazy. Juss slightly. 

Friday he wanted to go camping, go exploring, an adventure, find a random place and 'survive', no campground, no firepits, etc.  Due to emotions from my period I was kinda excited to do that and willing.  It was just after the second or third hour of 'exploring' (driving up private canyons you can't 'camp' in) that I was getting bored and annoyed.  He'd seriously stop at every fence or gate that said private property or no trespassing and consider entering it looking for a place to camp.  Oy vay. Pritti thick in the head I think.  He's just like my dad. He'd do the same thing.  I got tired of saying "no, you can't go up there, its private property" or whatever.  The only thing that worked was saying "It has a gate, they'll lock us in if we stay".   He would seriously pick a path he could use four wheel drive in and juss go for no apparent reason, assuming he KNEW he couldn't camp up there, so it seemed pointless to me.  So after like hour three of looking and me feeling monotone saying "no you can't do that" or whatever he finally got angry and ended the night with "You are starting to piss me off now".  

Its interesting to me how when I express my feelings, non-hostile for a period of like 3 hours, he jokes and ignores my concerns.  But the moment he whisper-yells "you are pissing me off" the night comes to an end.  So maybe, if I was done 'exploring' I should have ended the night with a very angry and hurtful sentence and maybe that would've stopped the night from continuing.  AND then, more interestingly, when he ends the night/exploring/conversation with his pissy comment he carries on as if everything is juss dandy.  He found a spot soon after his pissy comment and carried on making a fire and such.  He asked if it was an okay spot for me.  Would it matter? He asked if I was 'comfortable' in this canyon without seeing private property signs or whatever.  Seriously, would it matter if I wasn't uncomfortable?  We all know he wouldn't take me home or continue searching if I told him I wasn't comfortable.  Whatever. 

He did this same type of thing three weeks ago in Orem.  We watched a movie and then we were going to watch a performance of Tarzan.  I dont think I was on my period then either so I have to say this is a pattern of HIS behavior.  In the movie I was all happy and cuddly and clingy.  We watched the Croods and it was a good story without a villain, my favorite kind.  Anyways, after the movie he wanted to jet rocket to Tarzan.  We had like 30 minutes to get some food and get over there.  He was attempting using the gps and driving.  He told me to click the street when it came up and I did.  Apparently I clicked the wrong street and didn't know how to restart.  He had one of his explosions and barked at me and pulled the car over (wasting precious seconds of our lives, of course).  

I remember not wanting to go to Tarzan anymore.  I SERIOUSLY did not want to be with him anymore. I wanted to go home.  Usually I can get over that stuff, but I was so tired or something I just wanted to be done.  He ruined the whole night by exploding about directions so he wouldn't be late.  I think the worst part was we were so happy just a second ago at the movie and all and I was like..all over him and now I wanted nothing to do with him.  I just wanted to go home.  By the end of the night I was still glad to just go home.  

They say you let addictions control you and take away your ability to make decisions and it ruins your relationships.  I think there are time commitments (can't be late!) are an addiction for some people and it can make one lose control and ruin relationships too.  My dad does it too.  When you are willing to leave someone behind (your wife) in order not to be late to a meeting (that doesn't really matter) I think you...have a problem.  If you are willing to leave the two year old at home or not go at all cuz you will be late, I think you have a problem and you need help. 

He can ruin the whole night with one bark, snippy, pissy comment and then continue on as if nothing happened.  If I did that to him I dont think it would turn out that pritti.  I can see how mother juss turns off her emotions after so many years of that, when she doesnt agree or something and he doesnt care.  I didn't care about that night anymore after we got to Tarzan.  I dont want to smile. I dont want to talk.  I dont want to hold hands.  I dont want to cuddle. I dont want to act like you didnt bark at me for something I didnt do on purpose.  I dont want to eat. I dont want a time constraint to be more important than me and my feelings. I dont care. Just leave me alone. I want to go home by the way, if you care.  Thas how I felt Friday night again. And I'm betting I'll feel that way at least 1 or 2 weekends in July too. 

Saturday I have to give him credit, he did well regardind the late issue. And in his world he thinks he should get all and total praise for being calm this ONE time I made him late and it should cancell out ALL the other times he freaks out on me.  Whatever.   We wanted to go to the Drive in movies for a couple of summers now.  We finally made it.  First we went all the way out to Tooele to do a 10 second free zipline ride.  Wee.  Yay.  Whatever.  Then we stopped by the Rocky Mtn Raceways and watched a few races.  I told him that I get to decide when we leave for the movies.  I dont think that worked.  We left at 9 to get to the movies at 9:30.  I went to buy batteries for radio and some drinks.  He went to Subway for dinner.  I remembered they only take cash and I had to go back into the store to buy something else to get cash back.  That took forever.  Then when we got there at like 9:35 the line was HUGE to get in and they were still letting ppl in well after 10pm.  But whatever.  He didn't scream at me. I was seriously looking at him, waiting for some snippy comment, or some annoyed look or something!  Anything.  And he was like deadpan.  I was okay with that.  It doesn't ruin the night.  He missed the previews people and the first little bit of the movie people and he was still alive and breathing and not yelling/annoyed at me!!!  Its a miracle.

But then with my emotions going all weird I couldn't find the radio station for the movie and it was driving me crazy.  When you have something you KNOW is right in front of you and you can't find it.  Frustrating.  I sat there trying to find the station to help save his car battery and he just goes and watches the movie.  I can handle that.  He didn't explode at being late.  I sit in the back watching the movie and still trying to find the station.  GAR.  I did that almost the whole movie and he doesn't make a move to help me or anything.  He just doesn't care.  After the movie and before the next movie I'm still looking driving myself mad.  I hand him the radio and tell him to find it and I go to the bathroom.  I'm sure it took him all of two seconds to find it and sat and watched the second movie.  GAR.  So I made him miss the first bit of the movie by making him go to the bathroom and buying me an icee.  I knew it would only take two seconds for him to find it and he wouldn't even notice me and what I was doing for two hours. Whatever. 

Now if you were dating someone for the first time or recently or whatever and you were still twitterpatted and totally liked that person I'm sure the boy would offer some help at least after an hour or so, but we, we have passed that stage in life and now its just... blah.  Nobody cares anymore, well I still think I have the same level of caring when it comes to physical stuff like that and observance, but not him...  That's long gone folks. 

Anyways we watched "White House Down" with yummy Channing (I think he should stick to romantical movies, not so much action) and "Fast and Furious 6".   They ended at like 2:30 in the morning.  Yay.  I got a late night with the boy without complaining.  Well there was one complaint about falling asleep and the rest was...well, him falling asleep.  Sigh.  I'll take what I can get nowadays.  It was a long and busy day and even at 3am I was still wide awake cursing his name. I'm sure that can't be healthy.  I think thats a sign something is really wrong with our relationship. 

Then Sunday came along.  We spent like two whole days together non-stop and I figgered we were just tired and ornery and had a long weekend, it would all be okay on Sunday.  Right?  Wrong. You can't entirely blame this all on my period.  He is being a jerk at times and on purpose sometimes. I'm not totally blowing this all out of proportion. Maybe juss some of it.  

But we were at dinner at Gmas house and she asked for a prayer and Evan, dearest sweetie of all sweeties, seriously, had to do the most immature thing he could think of at the time and started 'obviously eyeballing' me and I swear, if I had made eye contact with his stupid obvious eyeball tactic I would've punched him in the face, right there, at Gmas dinner table.  I am very surprised I didnt have to walk away.  Now I realize that is a bit extreme behavior to his immaturity, which is why I didnt do any of it!  But still, this is not something, we have had this talk SEVERAL times before.  He KNOWS I absolutely hate it when he 'volunteers' me for something or even worse volunteers me so immaturely like that in front of everyone!  He KNOWS that he hates it also.  So why the hell does he do it to me yet again!?!?  I told him to stop right there.  He thinks he's being funny and makes some smart comment.  I pray and afterwards I tell him I did not appreciate that very sharply.  That ended that.  I was done talking to him, touching him, and I was still avoiding eye contact cuz I still felt like punching him.  Trust me, it was in the best interest of everyone at that table that I was done interacting with him.   Now I seriously dont want to take him to any family reuions with me this summer if he's going to do immature things like that.  He knows I can't be mad at him for very long and that bugs me too, cuz he totally uses that card all the time. 

So the reason I cant sleep at night for the past two weeks prolly is cuz I'm yelling at Evan in my head for hours for things he has done, things he -might- do, and things I just made up in my head just to be mad at him.  Whether I do this conciously or subconsciously I'm not sure, either way I cannot sleep and rely on sleeping pills constantly. 

Well, one day he will do something stupid, something that I cannot just be mad at for a moment and move on.  Someday something will happen and I will leave and will ask him to never call me again.  I have fears about this water adventure we are going to have with his kids July 4th weekend.  I fear he is going to do something incredibly stupid to his children whether it be ignoring them, neglect, or just yelling at them.  I can handle him ignoring me, not observing anything around him, yelling at me, pretending he can't hear me, I can handle all that.  But when a 6 year old is yelling for help and he pretends he can't hear them?  When his daughter is doing something she shouldn't and he isn't observing his surroundings or can't find her?  When he has a yelling spat and explodes about being late and potentially ruining the girls' fun for the rest of the day? That's when I'm done. Do it to me all you want, but I am not watching you treat your girls the way you treat me.  

You just wait.  What is in store for today?

226 hit(s) Love, me  
This post has no comments.
Leave a Comment
Human Check: 4*2=


Entry List
1408
1406
1402
1401
1398
1397
1394
1391
1389
1388
1387
1386
1385
1383
1382
1381
1380
1378
1377
1376
1374
1373
1372
1371
1370
1369
1368
1367
1366
1365
1363
1362
1361
1359
1358
1355
1354
1352
1350
1349
1348
1347
1346
1345
1344
1340
1339
1337
1336
1335
1333
1331
1330
1329
1328
1327
1326
1325
1324
1322
1321
1320
1319
1318
1317
1315
1314 - Baby Nicholas June 2015
1313
1312 - Baby Maggy June 2015
1311
1310
1309 - Baby Paul June 2015
1308
1307
1306
1305 - quotes
1304
1303
1302
1301
1300
1299
1298 - 2014 Chevy Cruze LT
1297
1296
1295
1294
1293
1292
1291
1290
1289
1287
1286
1283
1282
1279
1278
1277
1276
1275
1274
1273 - YSA Trip
1272
1271
1269
1268
1267
1266
1265
1263
1262
1260
1259
1258
1257
1255
1253
1251
1250
1249
1248
1246
1245
1244
1243
1242
1241
1239
1238
1237
1236
1235
1234
1233
1232
1231
1230
1229 -Year 2014
1228
1227
1226
1225
1223
1222
1220
1219
1218
1217
1214
1213
1212
1210
1209
1208
1207
1206
1205
1204
1203
1202
1201
1199
1198
1197
1196
1195
1194
1192
1191
1190
1187
1186
1185
1182
1180
1179
1178
1177
1176
1173 - Catori and Jaci
1172
1171
1170
1169
1167
1166
1165
1164
1163
1161
1160
1159
1158
1157
1156
1154
1153
1152
1151
1149
1148
1147
1146
1145
1144
1143 - Bday 25
1142 - Felicity Talamante
1141
1140 - Lasik
1139
1138
1137
1136
1135
1133
1132
1131
1130
1129
1128
1127
1126
1125
1124
1123
1122
1121
1120
1119 - Gunner Dallin Law
1118
1117
1115
1114
1112
1111
1110
1109
1108
1107
1106
1105
1104
1103
1102
1100
1098
1097
1095
1094
1093
1092
1090
1089
1088
1087
1086
1085
1084
1083
1082
1081
1080
1079
1077
1076
1074
1072
1071
1070
1069
1068
1067
1066
1063
1062
1061
1059
1058
1057
1056
1055
1054
1053
1052
1051
1050
1049
1047
1046
1044
1043
1042 - Mitchell Joseph...
1041
1038
1037
1036
1034
1033
1032
1031
1029
1028
1026
1025
1024
1023 - Bday 23
1022
1021
1020
1019
1017
1016
1013
1012
1011
1010
1009
1008
1007
1005
1004
1003
1001
1000
998
997
995
993
992
990
989
987
986
985
984
983
982
981
980 - Bucket List
979
978
977
975
974
972
971
970
969
968
967
966
965
963
962
961
960 - Year 2011
958
957
956
955
954
952
950
949
947
946
944
943
942
941
940
939
938
937
936
935
934
933
932
931
929
928
927
926
925
924
923
922
921
920
919
918
917
916
915
914
913
912
911
910
909
908
907
906
905
904
903
902
901
900
899
898
897
896
895
894
893
892
891
889
887
886
885
884
883
882
881
880
879
878
876
875
874
873
872
871
870
868
866
865
863
862
861
860
859
858
856
855
854
853
852
851
850
848
847
846
844
843
841
840
839
837
836
835
834
833
831
829
827
826
825
824 - Bday 22
822
821
819
818
817
815
814
813
811
810
809
808
807
806
805
803
802
800
798
797
796
794
793
792
791
790
789
788
787
786
785
784
783
782
781
780
778
777
776
775
773
772
771
769
767
766 - Year 2010
765
764
763
762
761
760
759
758
757
756
755
754
753
752
751
750
749
748
747
746
745
744
743
742
741
740
739
738
737
736
735
734
733
732
731
730
729
728
727
726
725
724
723
722
721
720
719
718
717
715
714
713
712
710
709
707
706
705
704
703
702
701
700
699
698
697
696
695
694
693
692
691
690
689
688
687
686
685
684
683
682
681
679
678
677
676
675
674
673
671
670
669
668
667
666
665
664
663
662
660
659
658
657
656
655
654
653
651
650
648
646
645
644
643
642
640
639
638
637
636
635
634
633 - Bday 21
632
630
629
628
627
626
625
624
623
622
621
620
619
618
617
616
615
614
613
612
611
610
608
607
606
605
604
603
601
600
599
598
597
596
595
594
593
592
591
590
589
588
587
586
584
583
582
581
580
579
578
577
576
575
574
573
572
571
570
569
568
567
565 - Year 2009
563
562
561
560
559
558
557
556
555
554
553
552
551
550
549
548
547
546
545
544
542
541
540
539
538
537
536
535
534
533
532
531
530
529
528
527
526
525
524
523
522
521
520
519
518
516
515
514
513 - Sara Marie Talamante
512
511
510
509
508
507
506
505
504
503
502
501
500
499
498
497
495
494
493
492
491
490
489
487
486
317
346
485
484
483
482
481
480
478
477
476
475
474
473
472
471
470
469
468
467
466
465
464
463
462
460
461
459
458
457
456
455
454
453
452
451
450
449
448
447
446
445
444
443
442
441
440
439
438
437
435
434
433
432
431
430
429
428
427
426 - Glimpses
425
423
422
421
420
419
418
417
416
415
414
413
412
410
409
408 - Poem
407 - Bday 20
406
405
404
402
401
400
399
398
397
395
394 - Cole Michael Andrew
393
392
391
390
389
386
385
384
382
381
380
379
378
377
376
375
374
373
372
370
369
368
367
366
365
364
363
362
361
360
359
357
356
355
354
353
352
351
350
349
348
347
345
344
343
342
340
339
338
337
336
335
334
332
331
329
328
327
326
325 - Year 2008
324
323
322
321
320
319
318
316
315
314
313
312
311
310
308
307
305
304
303
302
301
300
299
298
297
296
295
294
293
292
291
290
289
288
287
285
286
284
283
282
281
280
279 - LOVE
278
277
276
275
274
273
272
271
270
269
268 - Troo Wov
267
266
265
264
263
262
261
260
259
258
256
255
254
253
251
250
249
248
247
246
245
244
243
241
239
240
238
237
236
234
233
232
231
229
228
226
225
224
223
222
221
220
218
217
216
215
214
212
211
210
209
208
207
206
205
204
203
202
201
200
199
198
197
195
194
192
191
190
189
188
187
185
184
183
182
181
180
179
178 - Year 2007
177
176
175
174
173
172
169
167
166
165
164
163
162
161
160
159
158
157
156
155
154
153
152
151
150
148
147
146
145
144
143
142
141 - Year 2006
140
139
138
137
136
135
134
133
132
131
130
129
128
127
126
125
124
123
122
121
120
119
118
117
116
115
114
112
111
110
109
108
107
106
105
104
103
102
101
100
099
098
097
096
095
094
093
092
091
090
087
086
085
084
083
082
081
080
079
078
077
075
073
072
071
070
069
068
067
066
065
064
062
063
061
060
059
058
057
056
055
054
053
052
049
050
051
048
047
046
045
044
043
042
041 - Bday 17
040
039
038
036
037
035
034
033
032
031
029
030
028
027
026
024
025
023
022
021
020
019
018
017
016
015
009
014
012
013
011
010
008
006
007
005
004
003
002
001 - Year 2005
1228 post(s)