Listening to: Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
It is soo hot. Its been 100+ degrees this whole weekend.
I think we got 105 the other day. I think thats a record.
I can't even think about eating food in this heat. I just want cold glasses of water for meals.
I only eat meals cuz its out of habit mostly, but my stomach hasn't told me its hungry in a few days.
I never met the water quota you are supposed to match before 100 degree weather, I'm certainly not meeting the quoto now after 100+ heat.
And to top it all off Aunti Flow has decided to come this weekend too!
Hot. Irritable. Pain. Annoyed. Dont want to eat. Drink. Drink. Headache.
Its so hot I'm sure every swimming pool available is packed full.
I'm sure with the combination of my emotions, sensitivity, and hotness I have been angry at the boy almost every single day we've hung out this weekend. I can't entirely say its not him, its me, cuz he does that similar behavior ALL the time, even when I'm not my period. So I can't be totally crazy. Juss slightly.
Friday he wanted to go camping, go exploring, an adventure, find a random place and 'survive', no campground, no firepits, etc. Due to emotions from my period I was kinda excited to do that and willing. It was just after the second or third hour of 'exploring' (driving up private canyons you can't 'camp' in) that I was getting bored and annoyed. He'd seriously stop at every fence or gate that said private property or no trespassing and consider entering it looking for a place to camp. Oy vay. Pritti thick in the head I think. He's just like my dad. He'd do the same thing. I got tired of saying "no, you can't go up there, its private property" or whatever. The only thing that worked was saying "It has a gate, they'll lock us in if we stay". He would seriously pick a path he could use four wheel drive in and juss go for no apparent reason, assuming he KNEW he couldn't camp up there, so it seemed pointless to me. So after like hour three of looking and me feeling monotone saying "no you can't do that" or whatever he finally got angry and ended the night with "You are starting to piss me off now".
Its interesting to me how when I express my feelings, non-hostile for a period of like 3 hours, he jokes and ignores my concerns. But the moment he whisper-yells "you are pissing me off" the night comes to an end. So maybe, if I was done 'exploring' I should have ended the night with a very angry and hurtful sentence and maybe that would've stopped the night from continuing. AND then, more interestingly, when he ends the night/exploring/conversation with his pissy comment he carries on as if everything is juss dandy. He found a spot soon after his pissy comment and carried on making a fire and such. He asked if it was an okay spot for me. Would it matter? He asked if I was 'comfortable' in this canyon without seeing private property signs or whatever. Seriously, would it matter if I wasn't uncomfortable? We all know he wouldn't take me home or continue searching if I told him I wasn't comfortable. Whatever.
He did this same type of thing three weeks ago in Orem. We watched a movie and then we were going to watch a performance of Tarzan. I dont think I was on my period then either so I have to say this is a pattern of HIS behavior. In the movie I was all happy and cuddly and clingy. We watched the Croods and it was a good story without a villain, my favorite kind. Anyways, after the movie he wanted to jet rocket to Tarzan. We had like 30 minutes to get some food and get over there. He was attempting using the gps and driving. He told me to click the street when it came up and I did. Apparently I clicked the wrong street and didn't know how to restart. He had one of his explosions and barked at me and pulled the car over (wasting precious seconds of our lives, of course).
I remember not wanting to go to Tarzan anymore. I SERIOUSLY did not want to be with him anymore. I wanted to go home. Usually I can get over that stuff, but I was so tired or something I just wanted to be done. He ruined the whole night by exploding about directions so he wouldn't be late. I think the worst part was we were so happy just a second ago at the movie and all and I was like..all over him and now I wanted nothing to do with him. I just wanted to go home. By the end of the night I was still glad to just go home.
They say you let addictions control you and take away your ability to make decisions and it ruins your relationships. I think there are time commitments (can't be late!) are an addiction for some people and it can make one lose control and ruin relationships too. My dad does it too. When you are willing to leave someone behind (your wife) in order not to be late to a meeting (that doesn't really matter) I think you...have a problem. If you are willing to leave the two year old at home or not go at all cuz you will be late, I think you have a problem and you need help.
He can ruin the whole night with one bark, snippy, pissy comment and then continue on as if nothing happened. If I did that to him I dont think it would turn out that pritti. I can see how mother juss turns off her emotions after so many years of that, when she doesnt agree or something and he doesnt care. I didn't care about that night anymore after we got to Tarzan. I dont want to smile. I dont want to talk. I dont want to hold hands. I dont want to cuddle. I dont want to act like you didnt bark at me for something I didnt do on purpose. I dont want to eat. I dont want a time constraint to be more important than me and my feelings. I dont care. Just leave me alone. I want to go home by the way, if you care. Thas how I felt Friday night again. And I'm betting I'll feel that way at least 1 or 2 weekends in July too.
Saturday I have to give him credit, he did well regardind the late issue. And in his world he thinks he should get all and total praise for being calm this ONE time I made him late and it should cancell out ALL the other times he freaks out on me. Whatever. We wanted to go to the Drive in movies for a couple of summers now. We finally made it. First we went all the way out to Tooele to do a 10 second free zipline ride. Wee. Yay. Whatever. Then we stopped by the Rocky Mtn Raceways and watched a few races. I told him that I get to decide when we leave for the movies. I dont think that worked. We left at 9 to get to the movies at 9:30. I went to buy batteries for radio and some drinks. He went to Subway for dinner. I remembered they only take cash and I had to go back into the store to buy something else to get cash back. That took forever. Then when we got there at like 9:35 the line was HUGE to get in and they were still letting ppl in well after 10pm. But whatever. He didn't scream at me. I was seriously looking at him, waiting for some snippy comment, or some annoyed look or something! Anything. And he was like deadpan. I was okay with that. It doesn't ruin the night. He missed the previews people and the first little bit of the movie people and he was still alive and breathing and not yelling/annoyed at me!!! Its a miracle.
But then with my emotions going all weird I couldn't find the radio station for the movie and it was driving me crazy. When you have something you KNOW is right in front of you and you can't find it. Frustrating. I sat there trying to find the station to help save his car battery and he just goes and watches the movie. I can handle that. He didn't explode at being late. I sit in the back watching the movie and still trying to find the station. GAR. I did that almost the whole movie and he doesn't make a move to help me or anything. He just doesn't care. After the movie and before the next movie I'm still looking driving myself mad. I hand him the radio and tell him to find it and I go to the bathroom. I'm sure it took him all of two seconds to find it and sat and watched the second movie. GAR. So I made him miss the first bit of the movie by making him go to the bathroom and buying me an icee. I knew it would only take two seconds for him to find it and he wouldn't even notice me and what I was doing for two hours. Whatever.
Now if you were dating someone for the first time or recently or whatever and you were still twitterpatted and totally liked that person I'm sure the boy would offer some help at least after an hour or so, but we, we have passed that stage in life and now its just... blah. Nobody cares anymore, well I still think I have the same level of caring when it comes to physical stuff like that and observance, but not him... That's long gone folks.
Anyways we watched "White House Down" with yummy Channing (I think he should stick to romantical movies, not so much action) and "Fast and Furious 6". They ended at like 2:30 in the morning. Yay. I got a late night with the boy without complaining. Well there was one complaint about falling asleep and the rest was...well, him falling asleep. Sigh. I'll take what I can get nowadays. It was a long and busy day and even at 3am I was still wide awake cursing his name. I'm sure that can't be healthy. I think thats a sign something is really wrong with our relationship.
Then Sunday came along. We spent like two whole days together non-stop and I figgered we were just tired and ornery and had a long weekend, it would all be okay on Sunday. Right? Wrong. You can't entirely blame this all on my period. He is being a jerk at times and on purpose sometimes. I'm not totally blowing this all out of proportion. Maybe juss some of it.
But we were at dinner at Gmas house and she asked for a prayer and Evan, dearest sweetie of all sweeties, seriously, had to do the most immature thing he could think of at the time and started 'obviously eyeballing' me and I swear, if I had made eye contact with his stupid obvious eyeball tactic I would've punched him in the face, right there, at Gmas dinner table. I am very surprised I didnt have to walk away. Now I realize that is a bit extreme behavior to his immaturity, which is why I didnt do any of it! But still, this is not something, we have had this talk SEVERAL times before. He KNOWS I absolutely hate it when he 'volunteers' me for something or even worse volunteers me so immaturely like that in front of everyone! He KNOWS that he hates it also. So why the hell does he do it to me yet again!?!? I told him to stop right there. He thinks he's being funny and makes some smart comment. I pray and afterwards I tell him I did not appreciate that very sharply. That ended that. I was done talking to him, touching him, and I was still avoiding eye contact cuz I still felt like punching him. Trust me, it was in the best interest of everyone at that table that I was done interacting with him. Now I seriously dont want to take him to any family reuions with me this summer if he's going to do immature things like that. He knows I can't be mad at him for very long and that bugs me too, cuz he totally uses that card all the time.
So the reason I cant sleep at night for the past two weeks prolly is cuz I'm yelling at Evan in my head for hours for things he has done, things he -might- do, and things I just made up in my head just to be mad at him. Whether I do this conciously or subconsciously I'm not sure, either way I cannot sleep and rely on sleeping pills constantly.
Well, one day he will do something stupid, something that I cannot just be mad at for a moment and move on. Someday something will happen and I will leave and will ask him to never call me again. I have fears about this water adventure we are going to have with his kids July 4th weekend. I fear he is going to do something incredibly stupid to his children whether it be ignoring them, neglect, or just yelling at them. I can handle him ignoring me, not observing anything around him, yelling at me, pretending he can't hear me, I can handle all that. But when a 6 year old is yelling for help and he pretends he can't hear them? When his daughter is doing something she shouldn't and he isn't observing his surroundings or can't find her? When he has a yelling spat and explodes about being late and potentially ruining the girls' fun for the rest of the day? That's when I'm done. Do it to me all you want, but I am not watching you treat your girls the way you treat me.
You just wait. What is in store for today?