I swear I could dig my own grave with worry about things that haven't happened yet.
I could bury myself in some twisted form of validation about things that didn't happen and aren't going to happen.
I could bury myself in anger at people who aren't even around.
I feel like other people are driving me insane. I blame them.
But we all know its just me that driving myself insane with irrelevant thoughts.
But you have to admit others DO effect YOU in some way, even if you are the one allowing the emotion... Thats just how the world goes, cause and effect.
I yelled at the boy like 10 times last night for 'inappropriate' touching. (I just got a lecture this Sunday regarding it) But the boy honestly thinks its okay. He's been doing it for so long and rationalized so much he really thinks the way he touches me is appropriate and okay. It annoys me that he thinks he can just treat me like that. Thats just how far gone he is! And it scares me. Cuz if he thinks that is okay, what else does he think is okay? How far will he go?
When you are not planning marriage and you don't really even love the person (like that) why would you kiss or touch someone like that? Yeah, but he's not on that page now is he. He just doesn't get it.
And it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. That its my fault.
And then I drive myself insane with random thoughts all night and I dont get any sleep!
I just wish that something BIG would happen that would just break me one way or another. Something that crosses the line so much that I just have to walk away and I can say so easily to have him never call me again. But for something that big to happen there is A Lot of pain to come with it.
I feel so dead physically. So tired. So emotionally drained. I've gone from worry about me, scared, anger, uncessary or irrelevant worry about him, confusion about why I am worrying about him, and back again!
Alone, not alone, alone again, not alone, feeling alone, not alone. Whatever.
I'm learning more and more on this whole marriage and kids subject regarding religion that I have been so interested in lately....
Going to Moab, Mesa Verde and Four Corners this weekend. Gotta find a dog sitter for my cute lil' baby dog. He snored next to me all night and then bugged me to death to get me up this morning. I can't imagine someone having an inside dog and picking up their poo everyday for like 12+ years. I just..couldn't do it. I need a cat.