1218
Feeling: exasperated

I knew this day would come eventually.  A day with snow.  A snow storm last night.

Usually it either rains or snows on Halloween, but there wasn't even snow on Thanksgiving!  It was actually pritti warm Thanksgiving break.  But now the snow comes. I was totally okay with the snow waiting until Dec.  I think thas the way it should be.  Snow only Dec, Jan, and Feb.

I couldn't help but think about last winter with Evan. Oh the adventures we had.  Juss getting up in the morning and he'd scrape my car for me even when he didn't have to go to work and he just sat at home all day.  Just the somewhat long trip to the car in the morning, the window you could see the car from, the dog in the window watching me go.  The talks we had together outside our cars before we left for work on occasions.   But now its back to the lonely, dark winters without him. 

Standing in the house looking out the window at my snow covered car and thinking about scraping it off myself, one of those times you want to tell him you miss him, but know its prolly better not to do that. Its better to let him think you are heartless and dont miss him and dont think about him.  Telling him you miss him only encourages him...

Yesterday we went to a basketball game for FHE.  The weather was still good, I was somewhat interested in basketball after going to a game with Evan the month before and learning a bit more about the sport, and it seemed easy peasy, a little last minute but I decided to go. Again sitting in that arena I thought about my experience with Evan and how it would be so much funner if Evan were here again.  I could feel more like myself, I could feel like I belong, I could care less about what others thought, maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed.  There is a great deal to be said about doing activities with someone you like, enjoy being around.  I missed that last night. 

I ended up carpooling a boy and a girl.  The girl sat up front, but turned to talk to the guy the whole way there.  Might as well sit in the back with him and I'll chauffer I thought.  At least they weren't giggling in the back about sharing an apple like that one 'couple' did when I was in college.  At least they didn't pay me like I was a cab driver either.  But their convo was....tiring.  The boy went on and on analyzing this girl to see if she liked him.  He analyzed everything she did or did not do, everything she said or did not say, blah blah, and he doesn't know if she likes him, blah blah, what does he do, blah blah, need girl advice.. blah.   The girl apparently had no girlfriends and her only form of friends were guys.  She actually had no interest in being friends with girls. 

Which led me to the question of why am I even here? Why am I driving? Why did I come here? Why did I think this was a good idea for a split second?  Why?  I came to find friends or meet new people right?  Well, this girl clearly has no interest in making friends with girls.  And this 29 yr old is spending his time complaining in the back of my car about whether or not a girl likes him and always wanting advice and feedback. 

I just wanted to shout "You make things so complicated! Its not that hard!" OMG.  I didn't realize the YSA make dating so difficult, analyzing everything, reading minds, giving signals, mixed signals. Ugh, it was just tiring to hear about, I'm sure let alone to live through.  The complaining 29 yr old Adam was more like a girl in my car and the actual girl was more like a man!  She explained her dates really simple and didn't analyze it to death.  They went, they had a good time, eventually they stopped texting, dont know what happened, dont really care, blah blah.   It was ridiculous. 

I sat at the basketball game by myself so I could actually watch the game without hearing about their dating lives anymore.  I still had a car ride home with them too ya know.  I feel I have no connection, no common ground with these people.  They are so caught up in dating and themselves and I am soo... not interested in dating. The idea of even friends is starting to go out the window at this point...  Its so annoying to hear about it all...

Afterward they had collected another person to ride home with us. Yay. Juss great.  Another dating situation to hear about.  And sure enough, they all talked about this new guys dating life.  I thought it was ironic how Adam piped up and complained how girls dont seem to like him and dont talk to him and he thinks they are being snotty and wonders why they wont even talk to him and blah blah. I was sitting right there in the car the whole time and not one of them asked anything about me. 

We had an awkward silence on the way up and I awkwardly broke the silence with "so.... my name is.."  Just so I could get them to at least introduce themselves and know who I'm with.  They asked what I do for a living and then the convo stopped and/or went back to Adams dating life.

But on the way home, they complained about being rejected and such and talked about a whole slew of other girls. It made me wonder what they'd say about me if they actually knew me.  So I got to listen to like 30 minutes of gossip of so many girls I dont even know.  I got to hear from some opinionated boys' on the whole dating subject.   By the end of the trip, the new guy at least didnt even know/remember my name.  He left his gloves in my car.  He'll never be able to find me to ask for them back.  I hope he doesn't ask me out, then I'll just be another girl in his gossip corner. 

Needless to say I remember why I dont go to FHE, period, let alone events that require carpooling. 

 

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001 - Year 2005
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