So... Life isn't that bad really.
So I dont really understand why I can't sleep.
Why I'm having nightmares.
Why I'm still irritable.
Why I can't stop talking about him.
Why my mind feels like its in overdrive when I'm totally bored.
I feel stuck in that situation where people tell you to replace your abandoned activities with new ones.
You know how to fix it, but I juss feel stuck in that place that I simply don't want to do activities.
Before when I was depressed...
I could sleep forever. In fact its all I did. I went to work and came home and slept.
I never had trouble sleeping. No nightmares.
I would drown myself in my emo music. I felt I could really relate to that music.
I was too "I dont care" mood that I never had any energy to be irritated.
And I never talked about it. If there was a time I was awake (at work mainly) I would write it down in my journal like crazy... and once it got in my journal in left my head.
But right now none of this has really left my head. Well, most of it has, but a good portion is there playing re-runs.
And before I could tell myself to mope for like a few weeks or something and then its time to change activities and I did. Mainly the only activity that would get me to stop sleeping was exercise and/or cleaning excessively.
But now, we are lucky if I'll get up and see the sunshine for 30 minutes and take the dog for a walk or do the dishes, let alone laundry and cleaning my room and heaven forbid the going to the gym...
Even after like 10 years I still listen to that same emo music and find parts and pieces of it that juss speak to me and make me feel validated and related to.
I'm learning a lot about depression I suppose.
I usually have to wait until like 11-midnight before I can attempt to sleep. And then I wake up at 3am every time and eventually get back to sleep. But if I take a sleeping pill then I can usually make it til 4:30am before I wake up. And by 7am when I'm supposed to get up I feel like I could sleep forever, but its too late for that feeling.
I dunno, maybe something else is messed up.
Before it was a lot easier to tell myself it will be okay. It will work itself out. I'll go back to normal.
But now I feel like I'm in a fog and I'm not as sure as I used to be. I mean I can clearly see how immature and dramatic I'm being with this whole "my life is over, theres no reason to leave my house and do anything" attitude, but somehow not seeing it clear enough, like the reality of it, to actually stop.... Its weird. I guess its partly cuz I dont really care if it stops or not.
I feel old. Like I can't handle the emotions as well as I used. Does getting older make it harder to climb out of these holes?
Wow, writing it down makes it sound a lot worse than I feel.