1277
Feeling: heartbroken

Saturday was a rough day for me.

It was finally the only Saturday I've had to myself to get some things done this summer.  This time I decided not to go the selfish route and relish in the thought of doing nothing all day.  I actually decided to take the dog for a walk, in the morning, take him to the vet and take my car in for an oil change, and then make time to go to the baptism that evening.   I didn't even gorge myself selfishly with food that day.

My calendar alerted me it was Harvest Days celebration for the city this weekend, so that ment a parade.  The alert woke me up and so I went to the bathroom and let the dog outside as he was bugging me already at like 8 in the morning.  I found Cassie's boyfriend in the downstairs bathroom cleaning up an overflowing toilet issue. Oy voy. Great way to start the day, right?  And there he is attempting to defend himself, "Your plungers don't work! They're all broken!"  Well, gee, I wonder why.  You've plugged up my toilets so many times and used and broke all my plungers!  So he said he 'saved the day' by going all the way to his house and getting his "industrial plunger" and bringing it back to my house.  I want to strangle that man.  He continues to defend himself, "I have a medical problem."  If you realize you have a medical problem than you should take percaution of other peoples things and houses!  I don't take my medical problem to your house and plug up your toilet and ruin your property value!  I can't believe I had to say this outloud to get it through his head, "So buy me a industrial plunger if you are going to use my toilets!"  Its not that hard.  Seriously, between him and Cassie they have NO consideration for other people AT ALL.   Cassie is not getting a good referral from me.

So anyways... I got up, much earlier than I wanted to, and was too agitated to go back to sleep.  But I laid in bed and attempted until like 9am.  I finally got up and made some breakfast and got ready.  Took the dog for a walk down like 5-6 blocks to the parade the city was having at 10.  It was a longer walk than I thought and it was hot outside already.  My dog and his heavy breathing and black coat worried me and I had no water with me.  We found a shady lawn and parked and I figgered we'd sit for like an hour and recoupurate before having to take that walk in the heat again.

The parade was small, and the number of people that came to see it was small also.  Prolly more ppl in the parade than those that watched it.  Anyways, just sitting there as the parade went by two people pulled out dog treats as they sat in their cars as they drove by and threw my dog some treats.  Weird.  I mean, animal lovers, yes I can see that, but who carries dog treats with them in a parade?   Are there that many?  I guess I dont usually take Max to the parade cuz he's scared of the noises.  He didn't seem to be too scared of the noises, he just did his normal heavy breathing where everyone thinks he's dying.  One lady was walking and just couldn't pass him without petting him, she had to double back to get to him.

I got some attention to with the candy being thrown at the little loners on the corner of the lawn watching.  I got some ice pops.  Haven't had those in awhile.  I miss them.  I was surprised I got candy.  I thought I wouldn't cuz I didnt steal any children and have them with me. I was surprised at their concerns tho when some people came up and handed me candy, "I dont want your dog to get it."   I was surprised that was a concern, but hey I guess in normal dogs that would be a concern, and it was chocolate so I appreciated the caution at least.  I dunno.  It was weird.  No one seemed afraid to approach me to hand me their papers and flyers. Max got up every time someone approached tho.  Made some of them jumpy.  I made friends with the couple on the grass next to me.  They wanted to tell me how proud they were of their grandson who was in the parade rolling skating and doing tricks.  While I was at the parade someone texted me about my Ikea Malm bedframe I was selling on KSL.  They said they could come after 1. 

After the parade we walked home and got some water and a little bit of food, I grabbed a blanket and took the dog to a new vet. I didn't know how long that would take so I hadn't made an appointment with the KSL person.   We got there around 12:15 or so they took us right in.  They just had a cat ahead of us.  Of course the floor is all linoleum and my dog has super long claws and was afraid, which is why I brought the blanket. I laid it down on the floor as we waited.  He was pretty good at following me back into the room, until he realized it was a room with no escape and he backed up.   The nurse vet helper lady got behind him and attempted to push him and he hates that!  Then out of the blue one of the dogs behind the main desk came out and growled and barked and potentionally attacked Max as he was in his already scared state.  I put down the blanket to create a bridge between me and him so he could get away and he took the bait.  Into the room he was.  The silly part is there are two doors in the room, like swinging doors almost that he could escape from if he really tried and he was desparate enough, he would have.  So I kept him on lease and put the blanket at my feet and he leaned against me in a panic state of heavy breathing.

The lady didn't seem that....impressive to me.  She had a piercing in her eyebrow and completely destroyed hair from dying it a thousand times.  She juss seemed like a punk chick that got a break in the vet world by some relative that let her work there.  I'm sure she is qualified and knew what she was talking about, but the first impression wasn't so great.   Anyways...  she of course is the one to examine the dog, not the doc.   She groped my poor puppy and we pointed out all his fatty tissue gobs he has, like always.  I learned one is in his back left inner thigh and its huge.  I'm sure that alone is enough to not have his legs work right on the stairs.

She attempted to listen to his heart and lungs as his heavy breathing persisted.  She couldn't hear anything but his breathing and had to clamp his mouth shut for a minute.  He hates that too.  I reached down as he leaned against me and rubbed his ear and head and somehow he knew it was me and for some reason it calmed him down.  He actually held still for a minute while she listened.  That tactic continued to work throughout the examine.  I was amazed.  I didn't think anything could calm him down in his panic moments that lady seemed to create for him.

She was quick to declare his breathing as "stress breathing"  as in 'pain is ensuing and I shall pant'.  She concluded it was probably arthritis in the back as I mentioned he seemed to have trouble with his back legs.  I thought when dogs are hurt they like attack ppl who try and touch them in their pained areas.  He didn't get mad at me or anything.  I know he lost patience with children prolly cuz of pain in his back.  She was quick to remind of how he's in pain every chance she got.  It didn't seem rude, but afterwards it almost felt like she was telling me I'm a bad owner for letting him be in pain and that I should know he is past the average age of living labs and should know that he has arthritis by now and yadda yadda.

Anyways, she gave me some options to check him out in other ways, of course the expensive ones.  They always want blood work, which is like $110, but when she told me they can learn about his inner organs and if they are working properly I was interested.  He's never had blood work done and I wonder if anything in there is part of his pain.  So I ordered that.  The doc came in and listened to his chest and declared Max had a heart arithum, I dunno, some bit word that they concluded was the "stress breathing".  He wanted to make sure the heart is healthy, not enlarged, no fluid in the lungs or around the heart etc.  So I ordered the x-ray of the heart area.  Not the x-ray of his back, cuz we all know whats going on there basically.  So I ordered the expensive tests they 'recommended'.  Totalling $250.

I felt like I was at a car dealership, "This needs replaced, would you like to do that today?  Your manufacturer reommends this oil, would you like to do that today?"   Which would be the questions I got later that day.  So many decisions.

When the lady talked to me about the pain she made it sound like there was nothing you can do.  Older dogs have arthritis all the time, they still around til they literally can't move, my dog is obviously still going.  He made to the vet on his own four legs.  So that got me kind of teary. But I held it together.  Then the doc came in and literally stated and repeated, "It just depends on what you want to do."  He might as wel blantantly said, "Do you want to keep him alive or not?  Should we kill him right now or no?  Do you want to spend lots of money to keep him going?"   I dunno.  It upset.  They acted like the dog was dead already, at least on his last legs.  They didn't even have the test results to indicate there was a problem that could not be fixed.  His age and arthritis were apparently the symtom with no remedy. 

But the dumb part is that there is a remedy, its called drugs.  A lot of dogs do it nowadays!

The doc was a heavy guy that couldnt even get to the floor to listen to my dogs heart.  His knees creaking and his breathingy heavy and he mentioned he had back pain too prolly with his heavy weight and yadda yadda.  Exactly, the doc has old man issues too, nobody told his wife "It all depends on what you want to do with him right now..."  He took medication and he's still alive and kicking.  Not as happily as before.  He does look a little too young for him to be on his 'last leg' tho.

So they got me to agree to spend a lot of money, tell me my dog is on his last legs and there was nothing they could do, made me wait in waiting room with these thoughts, and THEN they got the test results.  I had a really hard time in the waiting room as they took my dog away to hold him down and take his blood.  I wanted to talk to someone about what they just told me.  But Min didn't answer my text.

They brought Max back out to me after they got his blood work going and man oh man, he didn't even look at me. I think he was mad.  He looked at me once or twice and then out the door to tell me he wanted to go.  The lady said he kinda peed while he was in there and that he needed to go outside. So I took him outside and he went to the end of the lease, like usual, and didn't attempt to slow down for me or look at me.  He was gone!  I think he was mad at me too, tho.  I told him what was going on and that we had to go back in and wait for the results. 

We went in and I put my blanket down for him.  Then an assistant lady who took my dog came out to finish cutting his nails.  Oh he hates it when ppl grab his limbs possessively and forcefully.  Max kept moving so on one claw she actually got him and I saw blood.  The first time I seen blood on my dog.  Kinda freaked me out.  But his claws were cut and he could walk on the floor a lot better.  I shoulda done that a long time ago.  Again the one lady mentions having his claws cut so he can walk on the floor might help relieve his back pain.

I told them specifically what I wanted to know, what I was concerned about, hence the specific x-rays and blood testing I asked for so they knew what I was looking for. I said I wanted to make sure all his inner organs were working first cuz I wanted to make sure all of his pain was just his bones/arthritis that would be treatable.  If he had more pain inside him that was less treatable or more expensive or whatever then I'd consider the "what do we do with him now?" question.  As if we have to plot his death that very day in order to call it humane.  But if its just his outside part then I could drug him until he couldn't move anymore and then at 52lbs I wouldn't have much other choice.

They finally got the results and called me in to tell me.  The immediately went to the X-ray and showed me the arthritis in his neck.  Explained his heart seemed fine.  And then "oh we're done here, we'll give a perscription for some pain meds for him." blah blah deal.  I'm like wait.... And then, as an after thought as he was leaving the room, he decided to mention the blood test showed everything was okay with his insides, it was all working well.  And I'm sure if I paid $78 for that other X-ray of his back it would be another two seconds of "Oh he has arthritis in his back"  Duh.

So suddenly my concern of his insides wasn't a concern for them, but didn't tell me, and then suddenly there was a remedy for his arthritis called pain meds.

I knew I would have problem with whatever vet I went to. They seriously dont listen to me. So I didn't think it mattered which one I went to, I juss needed to get him into the vet.

So I went out to get his pills.  One lady telling me they dont have enough of one pill cuz some lady came and looted a whole bunch that morning, and told me one full pill twice a day, and the other pill cut in half and do half a pill twice a day.  Then the other lady came to actually give me the pills after the label was made and told me both pills cut in half and give only half a pill twice a day.  I added a last minute Bordella shot he hadn't had yet this year.  Another $12, what does it matter?  With those pills it brought the bill up another like $100 so I ended up paying $343.

By then I had a headache.  Emotions, decisions, miscommunications, unanswered questions.  I was done.

But when I was alone finally with just me and my dog I spoke as if I had a better attitude about it, somehow. I said, "Well that could've been worse."  and "Hey look at the bright side at least you get doped up finally."  and I seemed so casual with this sentence I feel bad, "Well I dont remember how long you been breathing like that, but at least we finally got you to the doc to get some pain meds...now that we know you are hurting..."

I should've taken him this spring.  All summer it was on my mind.  I wonder how much pain he is in.  He still eats and drinks and walks and poos.  He hasn't attacked anyone cuz of pain.  I dunno.  The lady said I prolly should've taken him to doc two years ago when I said he started having trouble with the stairs at moms house. 

Sigh.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.   You can speculate til you turn blue and we'll still never know the answers.

Then I rushed home to sell my bed frame like 2.5 hours later.  I was kind of sad to see it go.  I saved my pesos for that bed back in like 2008 or so.  I liked it.  I just like to rearrange my room too much and I cant move that frame around so easily.   The wife spent her time telling me how it was a present for her husband and how he doesn't know how much money she is spending on it while her husband packed it into the car.  She said she told him she spent $40 on it.  Seriously who would believe that?  I mean husbands are gullible sometimes, but seriously, you have to be stupid to believe that!  Esp when she mentioned they go to Ikea all the time.  He knows the prices I bet!  Its not that cheap!  I sold it to her for $150, she told him $40.  He picked out the bed at Ikea, he liked it but couldn't afford it, surprise, but he didn't remember the bed when they went to pick it up from me.  haha.

She said and I quote afterwards, "He really likes it as I had hoped and we are both happy we could afford it."  That right there, thats messed up kids.  Messed. up.  There's a big difference between $40 missing from the account and $150. I have a feeling they dont have the greatest relationship tho.  First of all she is purchasing a full bed frame for her husband. Bed for a single person, mind you. Then she is lying about the prices and I sure hope he's not that dumb to believe what she tells him. And then it seems like she's telling me this as if to make me feel bad or offer to lower the price or give her money back at $150.  That is half the price I bought it for, not including the nightstand I gave them!  Whatever. I got my money, she got him a present, and its her choice to lie about money and stuff, not mine. 

Shed a tear for that.  Didn't have time to rearrange my bedroom after cleaning out my whole closet basically to get to that bed frame.  Ate some toast and hopped in the car to go drop off some clothes at D.I.  Shed a tear for that.  Got an oil change and texted Mindy while I waited.  By now I've had like 2 or 3 intermiten tear sessions for my issues with the dog.  I told Min she had to help me decide when it was okay to let him go, but for now I'm paying for pain meds.   After the oil change and $42 dollars later I found I had no idea where to go or what to do.  It was about 4pm and I had til 7 before the baptism.  I remembered the fair was still going for the city celebration, but I didnt want to go anymore.  I realized I hadn't eaten anything cept for breakfast this morning and toast an hour ago.  I remembered I had a $5 coupon card for Pie Five. Never been, thought I'd try it out.

By the time I got home I was popped out.  I think Max was too.  He survived a parade AND the vet. So I laid down.  I had to clean half my room in order to get ot my bed, but I finally made it around 6pm.  Of course I didnt want to get up after I managed to calm my brain down.  But I got up, got dressed, and trudged over to the baptism.

I think I mainly wanted to go to the baptism cuz I wanted to see a legit baptism ever since Evans.  A baptism where someone actually kept those promises and was geniuenly interested and not doing it cuz they are supposed to or someone told them too.  Anyways, I liked the song the two boys sang.  I like the reminder of baptism covenants.  We dont see it as much in a  YSA ward.  Ate some cookies, took a pic, talked to some ppl and then I headed home around 8:30pm where I burst into tears in the car yet again that day.

I wiped the tears long enough to see the Redbox selections and got a movie and Slurpee.  Mmmmm.  I went home and turned on the movie and was interrupted when the city celebration fireworks went off at 10pm.  I stopped the movie and went out to watch the fireworks. And again burst into tears as I thought awful thoughts about Max dying, when, where and how.  This time the leak didn't stop tho.  It went on for awhile as I poured my heart out to God.  I know he thinks I am strong enough to live through things like this, but ya konw, I'm not so sure.  Children and animals are a real sensitive spot for me and I'm sure he's not going to take that 'gift' away from me by making me immune what happens to them.  Anyways I knew I couldn't go to bed with thoughts like that in my head so I prayed hard that I could have those feelings and thoughts taken away so I could sleep, at least.  I was a zombie, finished my movie, and went to bed.

Sunday, the next morning, I couldn't sleep the whole time but I wasn't thinking sad thoughts.  I didn't realize I wasn't thinking sad thoughts until I actually got out of bed.  I thought hey, I laid in bed and actually had a pleasant time waking up slowly.  Took a shower, ate some breakfast, drugged the dog, watched his behavior all morning, noticed his stoner stares, got a bit worried, I think I noticed he hasn't been breathing as hard as before?, didn't cry at church, no more random crying, had a nice time.  I came home and finished rearranging my room after my bed frame left and its much nicer in there. I like my room.  I'm glad I got the desk to help me study. Makes my room more of a peaceful place. Took another shower and spent some time at my new desk reading the BofM and praying for me and my dog.  Needless to say I'm not doing the whole dog again.

 

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394 - Cole Michael Andrew
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325 - Year 2008
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279 - LOVE
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268 - Troo Wov
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178 - Year 2007
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141 - Year 2006
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041 - Bday 17
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001 - Year 2005
1239 post(s)