1302
Feeling: shaken

Its so quiet.

There's no heavy breathing in my room.  No groans or grunts.  No rustle of the dog bed as he circles before plopping down with a grunt.  No more almost raspberry sound and slight whine when he wants my attention. No more rustle of the christmas lights as he pokes his nose out the door.

In the morning: 

No more nose stuck in my face and the slight whine to get my attention/wake me up at 6am.  No more going down the stairs half asleep one step at a time in time with my dogs steps down.  No more reason to open the door to let him outside to go potty.  No more standing on the landing  with my "gimme gimme" hands to get him to come back upstairs with me.  No more scarf on the floor to wedge between the door so the dog doesn't feel trapped with the door closed.  No more pants on the floor to catch the door from flying wide open when he finally makes it up the stairs and barges into the door with his nose.  No more black marks on the door frame and door from his nose and body rubbing against it.  No more laying in bed and looking over at him laying on his bed or standing expectantly waiting for me to get up.  No more dog hair on my sheets.  No more dog leaning against the mattress as he lowers himself to the ground.  No more dog hair on the side of the box spring and mattress where he lays. No more pulling out a random hand out to the edge of the bed so the dog can nudge me some more and so I can pet his head.  No more explaining I want to rest for another 45 minutes as he wakes up cuz my roommate is getting ready for work and/or my alarm wakes him.  No more frantic turn around towards the door when I finally get out of bed.  No more opening the door wide to make him feel comfortable first thing in the morning.  No more nose sniffing the pants I decide to wear that morning and putting them on carefully as not to knee the dog in the nose as he sniffs. No more nose cautiously stepping onto the bathroom floor in order to sniff me as I'm brushing my hair.  No more expectant look when I got to the closet to get a washcloth wondering if I'm going downstairs.  No more bed to haul downstairs for the dog to lay on when I leave.  No more turning on the lights so the dog can see the stairs. No more taking the stairs one at a time along side the dog a second time in the morning.  No more urgency to open the door first to let the dog out, again.  No more reason to put on a jacket and shoes while I wait for the dog to come back in. No more interest in the weather outside, stepping out onto the porch and taking in the morning air. No more daily pills and breakfast for the dog.  No more eating my food and taking my pills and then getting his pills and food ready.  No more pushing down food into his tray from the feeder.  No more clanking on the water bowl from his dog tags when he drinks.  No more reason to refill water bowl.  No more cans of wet dog food to appease him in his old age when food and walks are his only joy in life.  No more dog sitting on the carpet piece in the kitchen while he waits and watches me fix my food and sit down and eat.  No more curious and brave dog to trek across the kitchen floor sniffing for any dropped food when I sit down to eat. No more click clack of his claws on the floor as he carefully walks from carpet piece to the front room. No more slow and awkward walk as the dog stands direcly in front of me in the front room and I'm trying to get around him as he looks expectantly at me.  No more putting down all my stuff for work in order to open the door and call "Last call for potty".  No more being late cuz the dog takes a while to go potty.  No more reason to say "I'm going buh bye, you stay stay."  No more knowing look that says he knows.  No more reason to say "I woof you" in my silly manner as I shut the door and lock it. No more poop to pick up from the lawn before I drive away.  

In the evening:

No more reason to go home. No more reason to rush any errands in order to get home before 6:30 or 7 in order to let the dog go potty. No more dog to jolt awake when I unlock the door. No more of my favorite stance the dog does when I come home and I use my giddy voice asking him out he is.  No more giddy silly nicknames to call out.  "My max a doodle, my noodle, my oodle oddles, my macarune, my puppies, cutest puppies in the whole wide world" No more of his head ducking out of my reach when I try to pet him.  No more unamused look when he's done with the giddy greeting and wants to go outside.  No more two second greeting before he's done and staring at the door expectantly like I"m not there and I proclaim, "Oh fine, go potty"  and he happily patters outside. No more reason to leave the door open while I gather a dog bag and mail box keys, leaving the groceries or whatnot and going outside with the door.  No more walk down to the grass area and the mail box with a slow and curious sniffing dog the whole way.  No more dog looking up at me from the grass area watching me walk out of sight to the mailbox and looking for me to come back.  No more dog to follow directly behind me when I take the garbage to the street.  No more dog lagging behind and stopping in the middle of the parking lot or sidewalk watching me take the garbage out and not wanting to follow me at times.  No more standing waiting and watching as the dog walks around the yard and picks at the grass trying to eat the good parts.  No more dog in the bushes picking the leaves off and eating them.  No more reason to ask, "are you done yet?"  and using my body language to indicate I was going back to the house.  No more dog to literally follow me back to the house.  No more dog going up the wrong sidewalk to the wrong house and me always correcting him, "One more sidewalk, one more baby"  No more opening the door for an expectant dog.  No more dog to watch me excitedly as I either put on a jacket or take one off wondering if we are going for a walk that night. No more dog that wants/expects me to go to the kitchen for dinner first and foremost.  No more impatient dog with his slight whine and blowing raspberry sound when I dont go to the kitchen for dinner first.  No more nose nudging when I lay on the couch or lay in bed for a quick nap instead of make dinner.  No more reason to get dinner cuz I dont need to feed the dog wet food anymore.  No more watching the clock and mentally setting up times to eat in order to get the dog his pain pills with dinner so I dont have to feed him twice.  No more looking at the clock and wondering how long I've left the dog at home.  No more counting hours.  No more accomodating dogs potty schedule.  No more watching TV with a wandering dog around the front room.  No more nose poking while on the couch.  No more petting his head when he puts it up in my lap.  No more dog sleeping when I watch TV.  No more jumpy dog to get up everytime me or my roommate laughs or coughs or sneezes.  No more reason to open the door at night to let the dog go potty before bed.  No more hauling a bed upstairs for the dog to sleep on.  No more going upstairs and waiting for a dog to follow soon after.  No more heavy breathing as he gets up the stairs and goes straight for his drinking water before getting his wet mug all over my sheets and blankets.  No more circling his bed and plopping down.  No more stepping over his bed to get to the desk to sit and read.  No more dog head on my leg to pet as I read distractedly.   No more nervous jumpy dog to get up when I am done reading and kneel at my bed.  No more plugging in Christmas lights in order to see the dog in the middle of the night if he has nightmares or at 6am before the sun comes up and he wants to go outside.  No more accidental poops on his bed.  No more faint shadow of his white haired framed face in the dark by the bed, in the doorway, laying on his bed.  No more heavy breathing through nose/snoring, no more nightmares, no more twitches and kicks of his legs on a noisy bed.  No more ear aches. No more licking noises as he licks his front legs cuz they hurt.  No more staring at each other in our beds.  No more of my smiles to will him to get up and come over for a pet on the head.  No more dog to hug or attempt to snuggle when I'm sad.  No more dog to walk away nervously when I cry.  

In general:  No more dog jumping at the sound of a wrapper indicating food.  No more dog getting up and poking at nose at me when I cough.  No more nervous dog eyes.  No more of the dog being scared of things in general like kids, cats, balloons, water, toy guns, yelling, play fighting, the hardwood floor, etc.  No more dog pulling away a paw from my grasp or head pulling away from my reach.  No more nips at long sleeves when he greets me.  No more jumps at the doorbell, loud noise or whistle on TV, or thought he heard something.  No more yelp at Gmas when he's outside and wants in.  No more heavy breathing when he gets excited or b/c of pain in his last days. No more digging for moles in the yard. No more cuteness greeting when I come home.  No more trips to Gmas or parents. No more holidays to which the dog gorges on food. No more scary holidays with fireworks. No more dog to sniff guests or family members.  No random sniffings when I come home from an activity and he wants to know where I've been.  No more baths, vet visits, brushings, or otherwise scary activities.  No more treats to give.  No one to give my left over food to, no more vaccum for the kitchen floor when I drop things.  No more reason to go outside period.  No more reason to come home. 

When you make a list like this you notice the things you took for granted. 

Afterwards: 

It is hard to go home now. Its hard to see all the places he's been, his home, his bed, his food and water, his hair, his yard, his leash, his pills, his carpets he needs on the hard floors, his dog bags, his treats.  Its hard knowing I'll never see him in that place again.  After he left I couldn't stand to be in the house.  I had to leave. 

Its easier to go and be places that he couldn't come with me, that he normally isn't there.  So getting in the car and driving away is normal without the dog and it felt better.  Going to the store or a church activity is normal without the dog. Going to work or the movies is normal without the dog and feels much better. Home is another story. 

So I went to the foot doctor to see about my ingrown toenail finally after like two years. I had some bouts of crying but they stopped by the time I got into the doc. I stood at the counter and gave my information and practiced breathing technics. They prolly thought I was weird breathing like that.  I didn't care what the doc did or said to me.  I was a zombie, just there.  I didnt care if he didn't listen or didn't explain or if I didn't like him.  I didn't even care how long they left me in that room waiting for the doc each time he left. I read through a magazine to distract myself and texted my mom telling her the dog is gone.  Gone is such an ambiguous word.  The doc shot me a few times with a needle to numb my toe which hurt bad, left me forever to let it numb, came back and cut something and bandaged it all up and sent me home with instructions to soak it later in epson salt.  That does not sound pleasant. 

Hobbling out of the doctors office cuz of a giant numb toe in a weird way validated my emotions through something physical, like my body and my emotions were talking to each and together they made me limp to the car.  It made me feel more secure or something.  It was odd.  I got out of the doctors office at 5:30 so it was rush house traffice.  Everyone was going south so the only open lane was the freeway going north. So I went and then traffic clogged up at 7th north so I took that exit and ended up at Gmas.  She's not usually the one I need in such situations, but she was prolly the best option I had, if I had to have someone to talk to. I've ended up at her house on random weekends without the dog to complain about the dog and the decision to end it.  She got all the disaster leading up to this decision, she might as well see the end of the disaster as I finally make the decision.  She, of course, will help me take care of myself physically as I do not feel the need to do such at that time.  She fed me and helped me soak my toe as I was afraid of salt and maybe an open wound.  She attempted to get me to stay overnight as I told her how hard it was at the house.  She distracted me with family business as usual and her quilting for the new babies. 

But now its just random moments of sudden reality slamming into me. My dog is gone. 

It was so quiet in my room.  I didn't know what to do.  I sat on my bed and stared in silence. I was scared to fall asleep.  I laid staring at the walls in silence until the pills took me. I didn't want to wake up thinking my dog was there and wanted to go to the bathroom.  I didnt want to forget and look around my room and remember.  I had to rearrange my bed so I wasn't looking in the general direction of the dogs bed when I woke up.  I didn't turn on the Christmas lights either.  That was for me to be able to see and watch my dog as he sleeps sometimes. 

I thought ending all this would make everything alright if I knew I did it for the right reasons.  But even the right reasons doesn't make this feel better. The aftermath of him physically not being here seems much worse than the right reasons, hence the selfishness to keep him. 

The Day:

I took off work to be with him until his 2pm death sentence.  We did the things he wanted to do and in between I cleaned in order to not think and/or freak out.  I did the dishes and cleaned my room.  I didnt start getting rid of all of his stuff so as to alarm him, but I kinda wanted to stuff it all in a closet right then.  When I wasn't cleaning we did what he loves most.  Eating.  He pritti much ate a whole can of wet food, my last can, breakfast and lunch.  He loved it.  Loved licking the bowl clean.  And then we went on walks.  His other favorite.  The only two joys in life as he doesn't know how to "play" and is scared of everything else.  We went for two short walks.  Tried to keep busy so I wouldn't think.  I gathered his things in the car and he was excited as usual looking expectantly as the door he wanted to go in.  He didn't make the landing when he jumped in, of course, so I hefted him the rest of the way.  I think he scratched up my new black car getting in.  But he got in and was happy.  Still heavy breathing.  My stomach felt so sick.  I drove away.  Longest drive to the vet ever, actually it was all too quick.  He jumped out of the car just fine, ready to go.  He checked out the grass so it took a minute to point him toward the door. He knows that door, that smell, that place.  He doesn't like it.  He wouldn't go in.  So I went in first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  That made my stomach even sicker.  I donated the rest of his medication and paid $204 and consented to his death and I waited for awhile in the waiting room with Max staring at the door.  All the other times he's been in he was able to come back out and leave with me.  I wonder what he thought. I wonder if he knew.  I know he was scared.

She said we could come back and helped me spread the blanket on the floor so he would walk down the hallways.  He wouldn't go and searched frantically for a safe spot in between carpets and blankets.  So I went first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  And he did.  He made it down like two hallways without blankets cuz he was simply following me.  We went into a dingy, small, concrete floor room with a single Precious Moments blanket on the floor and two chairs.  I think I know why they had the rocking chair in there now that I think about it.  They had cute little bookmark and poem memorabilia for the owner to take. The door frame had bite marks and dog scratches all over it as I could imagine a lot of dogs attempted to escape that room. I put all my stuff down on the rocking chair and ready to hold my dog as they poked him.  But the two ladies came in, thank goodness it was the lady doctor today, the other held Max with her back to me so I couldn't see from where I was, which was okay.  There was no touch to calm Max as he was scared and she picked the leg I think hurts him the most to poke.  Then they left for a minute er so while I sat on the blanket and waited for him to sit down also as he couldn't walk to well with being poked and bandaged.  They came back and poked him in the butt with a sedative.  He tried to walk around with that also, but I moved again on the blanket and told him to sit by me and he eventually laid down by me.  He knew the sedative was taking him and he tried to get up a few times but I pulled him back down and got the closet I've ever been to cuddling him without him pulling away from me.  In time his eyes did the weird creepy half way open thing he does when he sleeps sometimes.  I kissed his head and told him I loved him.  Throughout the whole thing I was telling him the pain would go away, esp after they poked his weakest arm.  He was scared and prolly in pain so he breathed heavily until the sedation.  He was so quiet.  The doc came in and asked if I had ever done this before. I said no and she explained what might happen after he stops breathing.  She put the overdose of anesthia in his IV and it took like 30 seconds for his heart and lungs to stop.  She stayed and confirmed he was done breathing, called it a peaceful ending or something, took his collar off for me, and said I could stay as long as I wanted to.  I got all teary as she said this and she left.  I almost wanted to burst into tears as she put the anesthia in simply because the liquid was pink.  The irony.  My love of the color pink is what killed my dog.  Maybe I dont like pink anymore. 

And I finally got to cuddle my dog.  I got to bury my head in his neck and just bawl.  I got to hold his paws with him pulling away. I got to cry  without him being nervous and licking his chops or attempting to walk away.  He was so still.  I didn't realize how jumpy he was at everything I did until he stopped.  He didn't turn his face to me to make me pull away.  He didn't pull away or move or anything.  I know he jumps at the sound of his collar tags clanking cuz he loves that collar.  Its like his badge of honor.  It means he can go for walks.  Even in that room after he was so still I tried to keep the collar tags silenced so he wouldn't jump or get excited.  I realized he wasn't going to so I jingled them just in spite.  I took pictures of his paw in my hand out of spite cuz he never let me hold his paw.  I gloated about the fact I could look at his ear cuz I'm pritti sure he had another ear ache going cuz he shook his more often.  So I got a cue tip and poked in his ear and expected him to pull his head away. I gloated that I finally got to cuddle him and took full advantage to finally getting some snuggle time. I looked at the clock and gave myself a time limit.  I dont remember how long I was there.  But I moved his body into a more Max position and the realization stuck me even harder.  His limp body.  

I prayed to God on top of his chest that didn't move up and down anymore. I thanked God for the dog he let me borrow, for the time we had together, for the love we shared. I asked God to forgive me for keeping him alive when He told me to let him go.  I asked Max to forgive me for the extra pain he might have suffered because I was too selfish and in denial about letting him go.  I asked God to take care of my Max and give him something to do and maybe teach him how to play fetch.  I asked God cuz I wanted to make sure he wasn't in pain anymore and that he would be okay not following me around anymore. I know how important that was to Max.  I asked for any help, strength or courage to be able to move on without Max that day and in the future. 

I got up and gathered my things and I stared at him on the floor, not coming with me.  So still, so silent. No eyes to look back at me. (We spent a lot of time staring at each other the last few nights) Not like my dog. I stepped out the door and couldn't close the door so I left it a crack open, stared one more time before walking away.  I was fine until I got the door Max stared at scared a while ago, wanting out, wanting to go home.  I walked out the door without Max.  I got into my car without Max. I put the stuff in the car like I had Max coming with me. I looked in the backseat and there was no Max.  I just left him there. I just left him there. I did not even allow myself to even attempt to think about what they were going to do to him when I left. I just left that picture of him on that blanket in my mind. I think I hate Precious Moments now.  I cried hard and drove through tears cursing the school to let children out before 3pm on the dot and tried not to run any of them down.  I drove home even though I knew it would hurt.  I allowed myself to be angry for a moment as I got in the house and immediately started washing his empty food feeder and water bowl.  I yanked his beds out of my bedroom and through one outside and stuffed the other in a closet.  I shoved his collar and leash in another closet.  I through anything with his hair on it into the washer.  I cried loudly and tried to leave no sign of him behind.  I had to leave at 3:30 for the doctors appointment.  It was easy leaving the house.  It was easier walking away from the memories of him being in that house and the fact he should prolly be in there right now as I left. 

Gibberish: 

I just left him there. 

My room is so quiet. My first night sleeping without him in forever. 

He was so quiet, so still, no grunts or groans or heavy breathing.  

I guess he never was a crier.  He'd moan when he hurt or stress breathe.

He's gone.  He really is gone. 

Going to the doctors afterward and then to Gmas and home to shower and go to bed was too normal a thing to do after such an event.  I feel like I needed/wanted to do something dramatic or irrational. 

He never got to see/step on Gmas new carpet.  He likes carpet. 

He's not coming home with me for Easter in two weeks.  He wont be around for my bday.  He wont go up with me to babysit the kids anymore. 

I think I can pinpoint the worst day of my entire life.  March 24, 2015.

The worst day I had back in July 2006 was also a huge turning point in my life, so therefore it may have ultimately been a good thing.  So unless losing my dog gets me a husband, this date is definitely the worst day ever.

I've never had anyone close to me pass away. The second Grandma L passed, I loved her, but she was kinda scary.  So I went to Gma for comfort when my dog died, who am I going to go for comfort when she goes? I dont have a dog to cry on anymore.

My roommate told me about her eye doc appointment and laughed loudly about her dilated eyes when I got home from the worst day of my life.  Really?  She asked how I was first.  Really?  I'm still alive. He's not.

It feels wrong to think about all the things I can do now that he's gone.  The places I can go, the lack of time frame I have, things I can do overnight or late into the night.  Weekends I can disappear or never leave home and not feel bad the dog is stuck at home either way.  Not having to be there to get him dinner or for his pills. I can get excited about something and totally forget the time. It kinda makes me sick to think about such.  I dont want to leave the house for hours and hours just because I can now without feeling guilty about the dog, but it hurts to be inside the house at the same time. 

I dreamed about this day and I have dreaded this day. I dreamed about what it would be like to sleep in without a potty break or three before 7am.  I dreamed that I could sleep in past 8 cuz I didnt have to give a dog a pill.  But then I dreaded the day also. I knew once the dream came true I wouldn't want it to be that way.  That fear is real. 

The fear of him physically not being there hurting the most is real.  I wasn't crazy in my selfishness. I knew.

It was easier to break up with a boyfriend cuz he didn't live there.  Cuz I didnt love him like I loved Max. I could go home and veg out in front of all five seasons of Leverage or Firefly and forget the ex, distract myself.  But now when I lock myself in my room to veg out it just brings back memories.  There was a reason I kicked Evan to the curb when I bought a new house.  A new start. A new house not tainted with those memories.  The dog came like 8 months afterward tho...

I said he'd make it one more winter at least last fall.  And he did. Techinically spring started the 20th of March.  But we had such a mild winter, it was practically spring in February.  Prolly another reason he lasted so long. 

All I ate 3/24 was the last package of poptarts simply so Max could eat the ends I dont like and/or have burnt.  Then I finished off the rest of my left over beans I had around noon.  By like 7pm at night I wanted popcorn and pineapple.  But Gma kept me at her house and fed me a cup of ramen, some toast, a deviled egg, a cookie and attempted some ice cream and of course her veggie tray (that I didnt touch).

I guess I just needed a day to prepare and spend time with him.  I have a lot of vacation days I prolly wont get through this year and I didnt get use one when I should've when I got a sinus infection so I didn't feel bad taking a day off for this.

He's been with me in that house for a year and a half.  Thas a long time.  The last seven months being on a pill schedule to help his arthritis.  That schedule is now gone.  Now what do I do.  5pm will roll around today at work and then I'll say, "Now what?"

I got a cheap temporary camera thingy and took pictures almost all 24 of him the last two days.  Hopefully some of them turn out.  The lighting wasn't great in the house and it was gloomy and rainy the other days, not much sun outside.  Gma showed me the pic that I made Max take with me professionaly a few years ago. It almost made me burst into tears again. Now I need a shoebox aka memory box to put all of Max's stuff in. A bunch of pictures, collar, tags, etc.   Something to help me close this chapter.  I closed the Evan chapter by finishing my scrapbook with the end of the year and leaving the beginning of a new year open. 

I can walk straight through the front room without stepping around his bed in the middle. 

I feel better at work cuz its normal he's not around.  But it still feels wrong to have a good day at work.  It usually feels better around noon.  But I feel I shouldn't be so happy.  I know I wont when I have to go home. 

I feel like I"ve forgotten what it feels like to hold his leash in my hand as we walk already. 

I'm not looking forward to my first trip up north without him tho for Easter.  That'll be hard. I couldn't stay overnight at Gmas without him. 

But 15 or 16 years is a good enough age for a dog to be done with life. With or without the pain.

But I had to focus on the pain in order to convince myself it was the right thing and to actually do it.  And actually focusing on the pain let me see it more.  I didn’t know Saturday when I freaked out and couldn't make the appointment.  Well, I thought I didn't know.  I think I did know but didnt want to know.  Anyways, but on Sunday I knew.  I could see the pain.  And I knew. 

 

 

441 hit(s) Love, me  
This post has no comments.
Leave a Comment
Human Check: 4+2=


Entry List
1386
1385
1383
1382
1381
1380
1378
1377
1376
1374
1373
1372
1371
1370
1369
1368
1367
1366
1365
1363
1362
1361
1359
1358
1355
1354
1352
1350
1349
1348
1347
1346
1345
1344
1340
1339
1337
1336
1335
1333
1331
1330
1329
1328
1327
1326
1325
1324
1322
1321
1320
1319
1318
1317
1315
1314 - Baby Nicholas June 2015
1313
1312 - Baby Maggy June 2015
1311
1310
1309 - Baby Paul June 2015
1308
1307
1306
1305 - quotes
1304
1303
1302
1301
1300
1299
1298 - 2014 Chevy Cruze LT
1297
1296
1295
1294
1293
1292
1291
1290
1289
1287
1286
1283
1282
1279
1278
1277
1276
1275
1274
1273 - YSA Trip
1272
1271
1269
1268
1267
1266
1265
1263
1262
1260
1259
1258
1257
1255
1253
1251
1250
1249
1248
1246
1245
1244
1243
1242
1241
1239
1238
1237
1236
1235
1234
1233
1232
1231
1230
1229 -Year 2014
1228
1227
1226
1225
1223
1222
1220
1219
1218
1217
1214
1213
1212
1210
1209
1208
1207
1206
1205
1204
1203
1202
1201
1199
1198
1197
1196
1195
1194
1192
1191
1190
1187
1186
1185
1182
1180
1179
1178
1177
1176
1173 - Catori and Jaci
1172
1171
1170
1169
1167
1166
1165
1164
1163
1161
1160
1159
1158
1157
1156
1154
1153
1152
1151
1149
1148
1147
1146
1145
1144
1143 - Bday 25
1142 - Felicity Talamante
1141
1140 - Lasik
1139
1138
1137
1136
1135
1133
1132
1131
1130
1129
1128
1127
1126
1125
1124
1123
1122
1121
1120
1119 - Gunner Dallin Law
1118
1117
1115
1114
1112
1111
1110
1109
1108
1107
1106
1105
1104
1103
1102
1100
1098
1097
1095
1094
1093
1092
1090
1089
1088
1087
1086
1085
1084
1083
1082
1081
1080
1079
1077
1076
1074
1072
1071
1070
1069
1068
1067
1066
1063
1062
1061
1059
1058
1057
1056
1055
1054
1053
1052
1051
1050
1049
1047
1046
1044
1043
1042 - Mitchell Joseph...
1041
1038
1037
1036
1034
1033
1032
1031
1029
1028
1026
1025
1024
1023 - Bday 23
1022
1021
1020
1019
1017
1016
1013
1012
1011
1010
1009
1008
1007
1005
1004
1003
1001
1000
998
997
995
993
992
990
989
987
986
985
984
983
982
981
980 - Bucket List
979
978
977
975
974
972
971
970
969
968
967
966
965
963
962
961
960 - Year 2011
958
957
956
955
954
952
950
949
947
946
944
943
942
941
940
939
938
937
936
935
934
933
932
931
929
928
927
926
925
924
923
922
921
920
919
918
917
916
915
914
913
912
911
910
909
908
907
906
905
904
903
902
901
900
899
898
897
896
895
894
893
892
891
889
887
886
885
884
883
882
881
880
879
878
876
875
874
873
872
871
870
868
866
865
863
862
861
860
859
858
856
855
854
853
852
851
850
848
847
846
844
843
841
840
839
837
836
835
834
833
831
829
827
826
825
824 - Bday 22
822
821
819
818
817
815
814
813
811
810
809
808
807
806
805
803
802
800
798
797
796
794
793
792
791
790
789
788
787
786
785
784
783
782
781
780
778
777
776
775
773
772
771
769
767
766 - Year 2010
765
764
763
762
761
760
759
758
757
756
755
754
753
752
751
750
749
748
747
746
745
744
743
742
741
740
739
738
737
736
735
734
733
732
731
730
729
728
727
726
725
724
723
722
721
720
719
718
717
715
714
713
712
710
709
707
706
705
704
703
702
701
700
699
698
697
696
695
694
693
692
691
690
689
688
687
686
685
684
683
682
681
679
678
677
676
675
674
673
671
670
669
668
667
666
665
664
663
662
660
659
658
657
656
655
654
653
651
650
648
646
645
644
643
642
640
639
638
637
636
635
634
633 - Bday 21
632
630
629
628
627
626
625
624
623
622
621
620
619
618
617
616
615
614
613
612
611
610
608
607
606
605
604
603
601
600
599
598
597
596
595
594
593
592
591
590
589
588
587
586
584
583
582
581
580
579
578
577
576
575
574
573
572
571
570
569
568
567
565 - Year 2009
563
562
561
560
559
558
557
556
555
554
553
552
551
550
549
548
547
546
545
544
542
541
540
539
538
537
536
535
534
533
532
531
530
529
528
527
526
525
524
523
522
521
520
519
518
516
515
514
513 - Sara Marie Talamante
512
511
510
509
508
507
506
505
504
503
502
501
500
499
498
497
495
494
493
492
491
490
489
487
486
346
317
485
484
483
482
481
480
478
477
476
475
474
473
472
471
470
469
468
467
466
465
464
463
462
460
461
459
458
457
456
455
454
453
452
451
450
449
448
447
446
445
444
443
442
441
440
439
438
437
435
434
433
432
431
430
429
428
427
426 - Glimpses
425
423
422
421
420
419
418
417
416
415
414
413
412
410
409
408 - Poem
407 - Bday 20
406
405
404
402
401
400
399
398
397
395
394 - Cole Michael Andrew
393
392
391
390
389
386
385
384
382
381
380
379
378
377
376
375
374
373
372
370
369
368
367
366
365
364
363
362
361
360
359
357
356
355
354
353
352
351
350
349
348
347
345
344
343
342
340
339
338
337
336
335
334
332
331
329
328
327
326
325 - Year 2008
324
323
322
321
320
319
318
316
315
314
313
312
311
310
308
307
305
304
303
302
301
300
299
298
297
296
295
294
293
292
291
290
289
288
287
285
286
284
283
282
281
280
279 - LOVE
278
277
276
275
274
273
272
271
270
269
268 - Troo Wov
267
266
265
264
263
262
261
260
259
258
256
255
254
253
251
250
249
248
247
246
245
244
243
241
239
240
238
237
236
234
233
232
231
229
228
226
225
224
223
222
221
220
218
217
216
215
214
212
211
210
209
208
207
206
205
204
203
202
201
200
199
198
197
195
194
192
191
190
189
188
187
185
184
183
182
181
180
179
178 - Year 2007
177
176
175
174
173
172
169
167
166
165
164
163
162
161
160
159
158
157
156
155
154
153
152
151
150
148
147
146
145
144
143
142
141 - Year 2006
140
139
138
137
136
135
134
133
132
131
130
129
128
127
126
125
124
123
122
121
120
119
118
117
116
115
114
112
111
110
109
108
107
106
105
104
103
102
101
100
099
098
097
096
095
094
093
092
091
090
087
086
085
084
083
082
081
080
079
078
077
075
073
072
071
070
069
068
067
066
065
064
062
063
061
060
059
058
057
056
055
054
053
052
049
050
051
048
047
046
045
044
043
042
041 - Bday 17
040
039
038
036
037
035
034
033
032
031
029
030
028
027
026
024
025
023
022
021
020
019
018
017
016
015
009
014
012
013
011
010
008
006
007
005
004
003
002
001 - Year 2005
1217 post(s)