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Feeling: unsure

So... I kinda sorta ... asked Trevor out last night.

I told myself, after Sunday when I didn't stop and talk to him like usual, that I would talk to him Monday night if I saw him. 

I told myself when I got home from work that I felt talkative/social enough that I might even ask him out.

I laughed at myself right at that moment, "Yeah, right...like I was gonna do that."

And then I went to dinner Monday night, chili night, and there he was in a leather jacket that looked very nice on him I must say... I finally got brave enough to go stand in the same corner he was in, like usual, and talked to him for like a half hour. 

He mostly talked about how he is buying a house and moving away, his closing date is like a month away. Does it seem desperate that I don't want him to move away? 

The convo ended up with me saying we should do something before he moves.  He saying "Huh?" cuz he didn't hear me and then me repeating the question.... Him tripping over the table cart and stumbing with words for a minute... me sheepishly saying "if you want to, that is..."  

Basically he ran away...he high tailed it... verbally anyway.  Its more rude and the cowardess is more obvious if you physically run away from someone asking you out on a date... 

He said Yeah sure, I'm going to be crazy busy the next three weeks (very specific about his three week) but yeah I'll get ahold of you."   I know buying a house is time consuming and I'm sure his job is an excuse also, and I think he wants to go hunting somewhere in there too.. So maybe its a legit three weeks of solid busy-ness.  

But I think I know a blow off when I see one. 

Saying he'd "get a hold of me" is man-code for he's not going to, right?  He doesn't have my phone number. How is he going to contact me?  He never asked for it.  And normally I would get all bold and call him out on this fact of the lack of phone number, but I can take a hint.  He already started the blow off.  I wasn't going to push it by forcing a phone number on him....

I feel like I got too shy by that point to press the phone number issue, but now that I think about it, I think I felt more embarrassed then anything b/c of the blow off that already seemed to occur. 

I dont think boys understand its okay to say no.  Its a more manly way to go out then to say yeah and then never call or cancel an hour before said date and not reschedule. 

Honestly, I'm more shocked that I actually asked him, moreso then him turning tail and running.  That part isn't so surprising.  

There's a lot going against me here.  The more common problem of boys thinking of girls who sit by them or touch them or ask them out is the equivalent of a marriage proposal.  That's never in my favor. I'm sure the age difference scared him also.  And then the common issue that a girl asking a guy out is somehow demeaning to a man's ego.  It's a no-win situation for the girls.  Asking out or not asking out, somehow its still their fault the boys dont know the girls are interested in them.  All my experience on all this in the past has led to the man running.... Exhibit number (what number are we on again?)  

Then there's the physical differences between us which I'm sure are #1 reason in his eyes to run.  They don't usually even give you a chance after the physical judgments. 

Even after talking to him and seeing the lack of interests we share...and finding out he's moving soon...for some reason I still asked him out.  I can't believe I did that.  I'm not entirely sure why either.  We don't seem to have much in common and he's leaving soon.  But he's still cute. 

So, I'm pretty sure he'll never talk to me again.  He wasn't very good at eye contact before, I'm sure I won't get it ever again.  But at least this way he's only got a month to avoid me....

Well, I asserted myself. I put myself out there.  I let him know I was interested.  What did I have to lose, really? I think he knew it was coming cuz too I have been oogling him for a while now.  I felt like I was kinda getting the same signal from him.  But prolly not.  

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd 

Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them however you want to" 

I told my mom and sister.  They all said I was brave and they are proud of me.  Is it still considered brave if you wish you could take it back?  haha  I can't believe I did that. 

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable 

And life's like an hour glass glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl

Cradle your head in your hands" 

My sisters words didn't really help me.  Is it sad that I keep going to my mom and sister for help or advice when I know their words or lack thereof never help me?  But yet I keep going back?  I mean it was going fine until my sister something to the effect of "If it were me I wouldn't be able to sleep after putting myself out there like that AND getting rejected all in one night"   I'm like, gee, thanks, when you put it that way.... She just has a way with words... that can make you feel worser about yerself....

I feel like initially I'm not so hurt about the rejection part, like I said I didn't seem to conciously have any expectations on him actually saying yeah, I was more surprised that I asked in the first place.  But when everyone kept pointing out the vague rejection I got, cuz he wasn't even man enough to just say no, then my mind started going... and focused more on the rejection.... and then of course, I couldn't sleep!

Needless to say, I happily justified drugging myself and went into a slumber... 

I'm pritti sure it was a blow off.  I mean I would definitely be shocked if he actually called/texted me to followup on this "doing something" idea.  Heck, I'd be shocked if he talked to me again.  He's never initiated any convo between us, I'm sure that won't change.  So the only way he'd talk to me is if I approached him again.  Think I'm brave enough to do that?  Me either.

Another sad part about all this is... he's the only real interest I've ever had in like the three years I've been here.  At least enough of an interest to actually ask him out.  I mean, if I have enuff interest I'll ask, but there hasn't been any interest in years for anyone... 

Last year I asked a kid out, not a real interest, but an attempt.  Maybe it was two years ago.  I think last year was the kid that showed up in his moms car and his recently acquired drivers license who called me a sugar momma before we even left my parking lot simply because I had my OWN place and my OWN car and a career.

Anyways... back to that other kid. I had tickets to a show and asked if he'd go with me.  He did the "yeah sure" thing.  We exchanged numbers.  An hour before the date/show he texted and said he couldn't make it.  I learned then not to plan more permanent  things like a scheduled show for dates cuz they always end up being flaky.  And he didn't reschedule the date.  And that was the end of that. He basically stood me up is what it was.  I have forgotten how much that hurt.  I have forgotten that these boys are cowards that can't just say no to a woman.  They have to string them along and then drop them. 

And here I am in the same boat. Again. I suppose I could make this a yearly thing.  Just to say I tried, just to remember how much it hurt, to feel alive/human again, to not even get a chance or to be reminded how cowardly everyone is.  I need a reminder at least once a year why I don't do this whole dating thing, right?...

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything seems like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive" 

I think a major part of his saying no is his anxiety in public.  He doesn't want a date with a huge activity or eating in public or whatnot.  And I know that.  So I wasn't going to ask him to do anything major. I was just going to ask him out for a drink and talk.  That's it.  But he doesn't know that I know and can accommodate for his fears, so he's just going to run before I even tell him. I'm only asking like 30-45 minutes of his time, a drink and a talk.  No crowds, no food, no activity that may or may not embarrass us, etc.  Technically prolly isn't even called a date at this point.  But he doesn't know that.  And he won't stick around long enough to find that out. 

I shoulda said more specifics to give him a heads up. To not freak him out. That it could be something he could handle. I shoulda said more to convince him that it wouldn't be a huge deal. But a part of me thinks its not really my job to convince someone to spend some time with me.  I shouldn't have to convince someone, I shouldn't have to make a case for myself after they've already made up their mind.  But at the same time I feel I should have fought for myself, made him give me a chance, sold it, ya know?  Somehow? Without making me look pitiful.  If only I had more time.  If only I had more confidence.  If only I had more bravery.

"Cause my mind won't stop, its just 11 blocks

I know that you're home

Cause its a Friday night; you're not that type

I know that you are home" 

Sigh. I feel I already know his type.  And I know I can handle that.  But he doesn't. 

My mind won't stop. 

There's always that small part of me that thinks, that hopes, he won't be one of those cowards that runs. That he'll actually contact me.  That he'll actually do what he said he'd do.  That he might actually have an inkling of an interest in me.  I really thought he wasn't a coward kind of guy.  I really did.  I really thought he'd be different.

Is that sad?  Is he just stringing me along?  Shall I have no expectations and therefore not get hurt?  Do I let it all out there?  My hope, my optimism, my faith in him? And either go down hard or possibly be lifted up? Do I take that risk?   Does it even matter at this point anymore?

I only take this risk about once a year, I'm sure I'll live.  My sister is a naturally negative soul and took his response as a blow off and she's done with him.  But mother seems to have some hope for him.  She's the one that started that thinking... 

I have to stop thinking about him.  Good or bad.  I have to move on.

___________________________

I suppose I'll give a shout out to my brotha. 

Happy Birthday bro.

He's 34 today.  Not too shabby if he didn't look and feel a lot older than he is. 

The balding head is gonna come, bro, whether you want it to or not. 

The attempt at maintaining your thinning hair as long as your wife just ain't gonna work much longer. 

You just gotta let that go. 

You also gotta let go of that pride about not being able to pay a doctor and just go see what the doc can do to alleviate your pain.  You can't just ignore health problems and hope they go away.  Surely your teeth have been that lessen for ya.  The smoking ain't helping you either. 

You just gotta let that pride go. 

Follow the advice of your three year old daughters - ever since they were born and all the Frozen toys and parties and how many times they've watched the movie, and just "Let it go!!" 

I say all this cuz I want you to take care of yourself so you can be around for your wife and kids.

Your sons still need a role model, a father, someone to teach them things that your wife can't/won't.

Your daughters need a father to walk them down the aisle, show them how boys should treat them, teach them boy things that your wife can't/won't. 

I love you even though yer a little slow on the importance of family fact, but you are slowly catching on now, and actually being alive and without pain for most of yer years is part of loving and sacrificing for family. 

Put down the pride and take care of yourself for them. If there as to be a martyr, then be the martyr by taking care of yourself so you live, not by dying.  Quite frankly, your wife isn't fairing much better either and we need someone to be there for the kids!

 

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001 - Year 2005
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