Letting You In Your gaurd went down, along with mine. I'm scared to death. You don't tear apart my words or thoughts, still, I feel you understand. My fear of being devoured no longer exists. It does no good to worry about things such as this. I was lost at sea in my own mind for months, but I have now found dry land. Being found was never too appealing, but with you I love the feeling. You're the glue that holds this heart together, through calm or stormy weather. Please don't let me crumble, don't let me shatter, don't let me fall apart.

So I was thinking I should start writing again. It's been years since I've posted in here, but I really miss doing such. We'll see what happens with it. Hopefully having some other writers and stuff around will help a bit.

I want to tear myself apart. Leaving nothing but my own thoughts. Intentionally sabotaging my own heart. Left with ought nots and oughts. If only it were that simple, I'd have myself disected, my thoughts put back together, and my life re-directed. Bit by bit, I'll devour myself. I'll put my emotions on a display shelf. I'll go through my feelings one thought at a time. Knowing I might not like what I find. I'm putting myself out on the line, for the sake of examining my own mind.

I'm always thinking about the future and never thinking about now. I drown my thoughts with music as I turn the sound up twice as loud. Tomorrow keeps becoming today and the clock keeps ticking and my lungs keep breathing as today becomes yesterday. I planned on the world ending, but that wasn't a problem for me. The problem was when it didn't end and I realized what I need to be. Maybe I'm hoping for a miracle, and accident, some one-in-a-million chance. But that's not in the blueprints, that's clear without a second glance. My life became a tragedy when I stopped living, now that I realize that, it's too late. I don't know when this happened and I can't give you an exact date. It's been for awhile now, I'm working on fixing it somehow. Putting the sparkle back in your eyes is harder than it may sound. I'm begging to hit rock bottom, even if it's not solid ground.

I'm running out of things to tell you and "I'm sorry" lines. You say you want to live and die all at the same time. It's no wonder you're falling apart when people keep taking pieces of you away. I wish I knew what to do for you, I wish I knew what to say. You say you're feeling run down, you say you're feeling tired. You're searching for something you haven't found and your energy is less than wired. Your cheeks have lost their color and the sparkle has left your eyes. You say you have a broken heart, that's taken away your blue skies. I wish you wanted to carry on, I wish your hope wasn't yet gone.

"There's people that don't know what they're doing, then there's you... And you're worse than them." Shockingly true, you hit the nail right on the head. Stop trying to fix me, I don't need you for that. For all you know, I could be trying to self-destruct. I could like begging for an addiction, just so I have one to fix. I might like being this carefree and that sloppy. Stop trying to reach me, stop trying to understand. I don't understand my own thoughts, even when they're not used, I get them first hand. I can dance around this as long as I want, I'm not broken yet. Just a few more pushes and I'll be over the edge. I'll stop dancing. I'll face this, I'll debate myself, I'll figure this out. I'll write it down, I'll do the math, I'll cut my loses, and life will move on. Give me one more hard time, one more heartache, maybe that's just what I need. Throw one more stick in my spokes, stick one more curb in front of me. Maybe I'll trip, or better yet, crash and burn, let me crash and burn. Set me on fire, it's just what I need. Pull my head off, screw it back on straight. My thoughts are crazy, but they like to lead. Give me one more minute, one more hour, one more day. I know I'll figure this out. Don't stop that clock, don't close this door, please don't close this door yet.

So I trust too much, but there's nothing new about that. I should give up on you, or better yet, I should give up on me. I can't do that though, it would make me a let down. My fingers don't know what to do with this pen, my thoughts don't know what to think. My eyes want to cry, but nothing will come out, like I'm missing something. Thunder comes with lightning, so if there's no lightning, there's no thunder. I'm missing my lightning, so for now, my eyes are dry. My thoughts fly by so fast, I have no time to think, so don't ask me how I feel about anything, cause I honestly don't know. The truth is all I ask for, but I have a hard time getting that. My mind tells me it's all a lie. Are you lying, or am I lying to myself?

You haven't talked to me in a week. Oh I'm so good at burning bridges. My thoughts keep wandering, they won't sit still. Come calm them please. Drug me up, let me forget. Please let me forget it all. Forget the sadness and the pain, the confusion and discomfort, but most of all, they good times, cause I don't deserve that. Neither do you, but who am I to say that? I just sit here and write, because it's all I know to do. It doesn't even make sense to me, much less to you. I can't explain it, the words just keep coming and I thank God for that. An escape was given to me. An escape from life. I lose myself in these pages. They are all that matters to me now. These pages with these words are who I am. My deepest thoughts and irrational fears that make no sense at all. This pen hurts my fingers, but I can't put it down, my thoughts won't let me stop writing. Writing about you and me, and what we lost, even though it might have been nothing at all. Even with a button missing, you can still wear the shirt. You are the missing button, but it makes no difference. You talk like you know me, when you haven't seen how I've changed yet. You think you know who I am, but I proved you wrong. I used to want to be your friend, but you're someone I just don't get. Blame it on me for how we don't get along. I'll keep this all a secret from you. I won't tell, if you won't ask.

With this pen in hand I stare at a forgotten notebook, full of neglected pages and memories lost that I never want to find or get back. My smile is months away, but atleast I'm trying. You think you lost me because of what you lack, when, honestly, it's because inside I'm dying. Blocking out mistakes that never should have happened. Memories with no names, pictures with no captions. People with no faces, simply here to take others places. Once again, my thoughts are confused, so I turn to the only thing I can count on, I do the only thing I know how. Write in a forgotten notebook full of neglected pages and memories wishing to be lost.

SO yes... I don't like the superbowl, shocking? Yes, I know. What is it, ho.

I think I really fucked up this time... My heart makes it so hard for me to follow it. For some reason, it always chooses the hardest things for me to do. I craved for the first time again in months the other night. I don't want to break down and do that stuff again. It's hard not to though. "My skin rips like paper." I love that quote. It feels so great, I love it. Everything is still sitting right where I left it next to my bed, everything I need. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully stop. I never make a promise like that, simply because I have no idea what the next day will bring, or month, or year. I don't make promises I'm not sure I can keep. It's my fix, without being a drug. My temporary relief from anything I can't get away from... It's my temporary relief from myself.

Ahhh, I LOVE IT! Smiley Katie on New Years Eve. I missed putting my mohawk up, but I got all dressed and pressed and cut it today and put it up and it rocked my socks off when I saw how long it had gotten. ♥

my birthday!

this was my hair for about a week... it was pretty =) this is my hair now ♥ ...utoh, i'm in trouble... so i love my hair, ha =)

"so i'll teach myself to never let you down." "don't try to say that this was meant to happen, if it was i think i'd know by now." "i wish i could say, this all still seemed worth it..." "and you said that the girl that we all thought we knew, was just in our heads, it was never you and you said 'i'm sorry, just don't miss me tonight.'" i get it and i don't want to hear anymore. i think it's about time something like this happened. an epiphany, perhaps, or maybe just finally coming to my senses. i realize that i can't have it all, so now it's time for me to figure out what i really want. it's hard enough, but it's just getting worse. i guess i have a long road of thinking ahead of me. all i want to do is talk to you, i'm just scared to death that i'll say something i should keep to myself. where do i start when i'm sorting through my mind... my mind seems empty, yet so full. i've had this problem for awhile, it's so full, but there's nothing there. perhaps i should ask you to leave...

i was told i look like a rockstar in this picture, besides the big drink that is. so that's me, definitally wearing the brightest yellow shirt in the whole freaken world. that's also my lovely mohawk... clashing with my shirt, ahhh, i love it.

so on punkconnect i redid my profile, i had joey help me, and it's mostly a complete joke, but i do like how it turned out, so i'm putting it on here. profile: i can't believe you're reading my profile, you must feel so freaken privaledged. as you can see, i'm freaken beautiful. you may call me P 'n P(for Precious and Perfect). i've been on this site for quite awhile and i've probably talked to most of you humps, but you can still write me. i love getting random messages(i.e. "you're so hot", "you're gorgeous", "you're amazingly beautiful", "wanna screw?"). i like some bands, you probably do, too. aren't we great? well, i guess it's time i tell you alittle more about myself, um yeah, i'm great. yeah, that about covers it. yeah, i got a bone to pick, i hate this girl with a passion. ya know that one, from that band, if you read my profile before, you know what i'm talking about. yeah, she can rot in hell. so i play the drums, probably not that good. i think i'm probably better than you though. yeah, but who cares, if you think you're better than me that's cool, but you don't have to tell me. real proud of ya. so most of this is just a joke, but i am pretty cool. if you want to talk to me, that's cool too. my friend says i'm great. sometimes i get the urge to spit on random cars as i walk by... oh, was that your car? sorry. dancing hearts, keep your distance. end profile. so that's the profile, and i do like it quite a bit... ha.

this is my lovely new belt buckle :) my fantastic pink mohawk... but the pink is fading, *tear* :'(

the week had been great so far. the camp was awesome and had been a lot of fun. it was kinda strange because there were kids there that i had gone to school with, a boy named David and a girl named Tierney. we had played some awesome games and it was a lot of fun. most of the games we had played so far had been on the top of a building out in the field of the camp. the building had walls that went up past the roof. there was stairs to get up to the roof from the outside of the building, there was a slide to get down. there were benches along the whole outter edge. the roof was large and everyone at the camp could sit along the outter edge, so the middle was free to have people run around and do crazy stuff. it was our last full day at the camp and all of us were up on the roof. they had a game planned for us to do, no one knew what it was. david got picked to go first, so the lady running the game picked out a girl and made them make out. when that was done, another girl was picked. she went down for a second and came back up to the roof with a weapon, she had three shots to try to kill anyone that was there. she tried a spiked boomerang a few times and a shot gun, but messed all three times. by this time i was starting to get alittle freaked out. i think everyone was. another girl was picked to go and came up with a very modern shotgun. she shoot three times and killed one girl. the supervisor took the body and slid it down the slide. then she made everyone move seats, i moved to the other side of the roof. luckily, i was in a big group, less of a chance of getting killed. the supervisor was getting alittle upset because everyone that was alittle scared by this time, to say the least. she grabbed a machine gun and started shooting. she hit two people and missed the third that she tried to kill. another camp supervisor came up and i breathed a deep breath thinking he was going to help us. instead, he pulled down a ladder from the ceiling, that no one knew about, and told all of us to go up on the roof. by this time, we all started realizing that they were either going to have our camp mates kill us or they were going to make us jump off the roof and have a suicide death. all the campers were completely silent as we all hoped with all our might that this was just a bad dream and nothing more.

i wish you could see how stunning charming alluring delightful radiant amazing ravishing unbelievable pleasing gorgeous absolutely beautiful you are to me. ♥