I really just don't care
Feeling: annoyed

I don't understand people sometimes. I have this friend, lets call her Cat.

 So Cat and I have been friends for some times now about two years, I want to say her and I are good friends, I've been there for her through a lot and she has been there for me There was a time when Cat went a little nutty (fell off the bandwagon, boy crazy) I'll leave it at that but lets also just say when she was going through her nut phase it worried some people and she was not exactly easy to deal with. But anyway she also has two kids who I love very much we spend loads of time together, the father of the kids is there though they are not married on paper. She has gone back and forth with him. "I love him" "I hate him" for awhile there during the nut phase she "loved" a differet guy every other week.

 "the other man" she is/was on and off with two there was a few other guys mixed in there but there all but gone now, she has pretty much only been with "Daddy" for at least three months now. I understand because she had he first born when she was 21 and her and "Daddy" had only been together for like a month of two before she got preggo, so she never really had a chance to be wild and have fun. So I never held that nut phase against her and never judge her.

 But then I get the feeling that she judges me, and gets annoyed with me when I talk to her about things, I used sit through hours of her bitching about boys and her gossip about all that other behind the bedroom doors stuff but the ONE time I went to talk to her about something like that she got all annoyed cut me off and didn't want to hear it. I never went or will go "Nutty" like her. I just had a bad first date and she didn't want to hear it.

 I do A LOT, for her and her family. It's her, the two kids, "Daddy" then her Mother and her Step-Dad. I give her rides all the time when she wroked with me, but she lots her job now. So I'll let her use me car to go food shopping and do laundry or for whatever else. The Step-Dad is the only one who has a truck and it's his work company truck, his boss is only letting him use it so he can get to work.

 So I'm being really nice letting them use MY CAR, so they can do all this stuff, I'll help out around there house and I ALWAYS watch the girls. Half the time I'm there I'm waching the kids and Cat is doing whatever else. I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted.

 There are times where Cat is very snappy with me, like she can't even have a conversation with me, or when she's helping me with something is likes she mad or annoyed or will yell at me. Tomorrow I'm suppose to help them so they cabn go to the laundry mat but after that I don't think I am going to be spending as much time with me. I'm a good person, I care for people and will do whatever I can to help the, but I DO NOT let anyone treat me poorly anymore.

1086 hit(s) (1 comments) | What now?  
its been awhile
Feeling: happy

 So i guess some time has passed since my last post, it's not that I haven't been writing it's just that I haven't been writing in here some things are just too personal to post to the world. Even tho you guys don't know how I am, you can never bee to careful.

 SOOOO anyway I have been writing in my book journals I am now up to three almost ready to start the forth one. I do like writing in here and it is a heck of a lot easier but there was a time where I could not get on here the site was down and I don't want that to happen again so I use both. Sometimes when I am having a bad day or going through a difficult time I go back to my journals and see what I have been through and have overcome and that usually gives me the strgenth to get through whatever it is I'm trying to get passed. Funny thing is most of the crap on here and in my books are about guys (not a bunch of them just two) Its mostly me writing about these two guys and what they did to me and how upset I was, about how so in love I was and that all they did was hurt me but I for some reason coudn't let go, now I read back and laugh at how ridicouls I was.

 Never again will I let a guy or anyone treat me like those two did, half of these posts are either about Cancer (nickname to the last one) or Sly (not a nickname I have him but his own) Sly and I are and have been on good terms still, hes still harry pottering it up a the house though. Cancer according to my sister flipped her and Heather (the other woman) off the other night.

 Apparently my sister and her were on there way into Seaside Pub, walking from the parking lot when Cancer "speed in and spun his car around, I though he was going to crash that's how fast he was going. He starried at Heather and I then flipped us off and speed off" That's about word for word what my sis said, now I do be;ieve some of that but I can't always believe 100% of what she says, shes been known to instigate. I don't really care tho. It's been a little over a year since I told him off and told him how I really felt.

 For three years I was his wipping girl, taking in all his abuse and dealing with his crazy bullshit, when I finally told him the truth about how he treated me and how blind he was, that he is the reason why he dosn't have many friends and why he can't keep a relationship but he denied it all. Completly blind to the truth, has no clue how he actually treats people or how mean he really is. But I'm over it and have been.

 I'm back to normal now, Ive even dated some wonderful guys but I'm not ready for that still, I'm working on me, getting my life in order. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet before I bring anyone else into my life.

Laughing

 

298 hit(s) (0 comments) | What now?  
I can't even
Feeling: angry

I literally hate people sometimes.

Ever just have one of those days where everything annoys you? I really am just gonna lose my [email protected]#% one of these days and its not going to be pretty. My phone is actually making me more mad right now and I'm stuck in hell for seven more hours so ill have to update more later this rant is not over theres a lot more I need to say and get off my chest 

235 hit(s) (0 comments) | What now?  
Tomorrow
Feeling: determined

Its funny how different life becomes as we get older, how much faster the days go by and before you know it it's been years. I may not be that old but it's hard to believe that its been six years since I graduated high school. 

 So much changed and some has stayed the same but I have learned so much over the years and accomplished some of my goals. I'm still trying to move forward and make a better life, one step at a time. I have decided on something and ill share that when it come colser to happening but this will be my step to a better life.

 How things have changed, my love life has flourish. Over the past few months I have gone on many, many dates each one more boring then the last. I began to think I no longer had the ability to get feelings for someone then it happen. I met soneone who i adtually enjoy spending time with. I haven't felt like this since the c-factor I am both overjoyed and petrified 

Its the onesyou love the most that hurt you the most, i have been taking it slow, i don't believe this guy will hurt me, but I am slowly investing my emotions for him. I'm not being jaded just cautious I'm protecting myself but everything so far has been wonderful 

One step at a time 

I may be a runner but that doesn't mean I have to move fast all the time

146 hit(s) (0 comments) | What now?  
I DON'T WANNA!!!
Listening to: Nappy Roots- Good Day
Feeling: antisocial

 Please No!!

 I just dont want to go out, I don't care about this Holiday I'm not Irish. I don't want to drink, I don't want to party, I don't want to have to get all dressed up.

 I haven't slept well in days, i'm trying to quit smoking and i'm cranky Im just really not in the mood to be around people.

  I DON'T WANNA GO!!!!

 I promised I would

 Humans are suppose to be social creatures and yet all I want is to be alone

 No, I don't want you to buy me a drink

No, I'm not giving you my number 

STOP STARTING AT MY ASS!!! 

AHHHHHHH!!!! Touch me and I'll punch you 

I'M NOT stuck up and I'm NOT a bitch I'm just not looking for anything 

No No relationships 

No No casual sex 

No No [email protected]#% buddies 

No No NO NO!!!! 

Just stop!!!!!!!

I am perfectly happy on my own, 

This does not upset me but I have no one in my life that i can rely on i have no one i completely trust, so many things i would like to talk about but cant, no one understands but i do, so i write

I write in here and for the more personal things i write in a book i already have two filled and am working on a third

THIS IS MY STORY

MY LIFE

One day when i'm old ill look back and be gald that i have written  

276 hit(s) (1 comments) | What now?  
Back and Forth
Feeling: sad

So I have been going back and forth between writing in my journal and on here.

 My life is really crazy right now. a lot of things have happen some frineds have been lost but I really do not care. People can be really stupid at times and they can believe the most crazy things but oh well. The people who you thought were smart can be really really stupid.

 No point in crying over split milk. I'm not crying, I'm not even upset. 

 I'm starting to think that I'm not a relationship kind of person anymore, I invested so much time and energy in both Tyler and B. I did everthing for them, I loved them so much in the end I got my heart broken. I'm finally free from them. 

I have been free from Tyler for a long time now but I was hung up on B for what seemed like forever. 

 I did so much for B, all I wanted was to be with him but all he did was play with my heart he was never honest about how he felt and I come to find even months after I told him off hes still talking about me. I'm over it, he needs to get over it.

 It makes me mad that he will never know the truth, he is and always will be blind to how he treats people. In his mind he is Mr. Perfect and has done no wrong, when in reality he is the biggest asshole I have ever met in my whole life. Untill he learns or realizes how he is he will never be happy. he thinks everyone treats his like shit when in reality hes the one who treats people like shit. He is selfish, self centered, aragont, racist and narcissistic. I don't even know what the hell I saw in him.

 I wanted to help him, I wanted to help make his life better all he ever did was tell me how horrible everything was for him and how nothing was ever good for him. I would try so hard to please him and it was never good enough. I blame him for my own downfall. I was so concerned in making him happy my own life went to shit. 

 He's an incubus, a soul sucking demon that feeds off women, he will take you and isolate you from everyone making is so there is only him, then he will start treating you like shit making you feel wothless and horrible, makes you believe your the worst person in the world when in reality its him, he is the monster. Thats what those kind of people do. In order to make themsleves feel good they must put down others.

 I could be dating a world famous super star and he would find something bad to say about him, just in order to make himself feel better. He is scum.

 WOW.....

 I got off topic there, I was trying to talk about how I can't seem to date anyone and then I started talking about B or as I call him Cancer. I am over it, I just got reminded of him the other day when Sammi told me about how him and her talked for a week and the whole week all he talked about was me, kinda made me feel good, I hope he misses me, I was the best thing he ever had and he fucked it up and that's too damn bad. He hurt me one to many times and now I just don't care.

 See that's my problem, I like assholes, and at the same time I don't.

 I need to find a happy meduim between mean and nice. I can't date a needy pussy, all these sesentive mamma's boys make me sick.

 What sucks is I did meet someone who I kinda like but it will never happen, Sigh. 

Even if I am single for the rest of my life I will be ok with it, as it is I am ok with it now.

 

 

262 hit(s) (0 comments) | What now?  
The endless fight
Feeling: hostile

 I am in control,

 I am in control, this is MY life. I have the choice, it is all up to me. I can't blame anyone else. I can't let others make the choice for me. It's my lfe, it's my life.

 I have problmes, and so does everyone else, it's no excusse. I am better then that. I am stronger then that. I have the will, I have the power to say no. NOOO!!!!

 No, no, no. NEVER again. I will not, I can not do that to myself anymore. 

 I am off to the gym, I will update more when I come back, I just needed to get that out. I needed to remind myself what I'm doing. 

 

152 hit(s) (0 comments) | What now?  
Truth be told
Feeling: alienated

 We all have our good and bad qualities, some more so then others. I am FAR from perfect but one of my less then good qualities is that I tend to always push people away, I only let people get so close to me before I start to push. I am aware that I am doing this but I can't help it. It's all his fault too. Ever since the B factor this is what I do to people. 

 I used to be able to text back and forth with friends all day long, share all aspects of my life, let people in and see what's really going on in my head, now all of that annoys the crap out of me. I just want to left alone, it's no one business but my own, No one needs to know what I'm thinking, what i'm doing or what's going on in my life. I'm not trying to keep secrets, I just don't see the point in talking about everything. 

 It's like I'm living on another planet and I'm all by myself. I did it to myself. The few people that I DO talk to is because I am forced too, or because I feel bad if I don't. No, I don't want to see you. No, I don't want to talk to you. I don't like texting stupid crap back a forth. I don't want to be bothered a 1000 times a day with nonsense. Don't get me wrong I love my friends and I do enjoy spending time with them, when were face to face. In person. I hate phones. I hate that I can reachable 24/7. I like human contact, I like talking and conversation. I hate people who texts me novels, I don't care. I hate people who only say things via text and not in person. Grow some balls and say it to my face.

 Sometimes I feel like no one really understand me, and I'm actaully ok with that. I have been in a battle with myslef since I can remember. A fight aganist depression, anxiety, addiction and love. I have lost many battels in love. I have been left cold, alone and bleeding to death on the battelfied, but each time I have bandaged myself up and made it to safety. I have kept my mind open but my heart closed and again I'm fighting to open it. All the times before it opened on it own I never had to force it, so this to me is a sign. A sign that this is not right, These things happen naturally, and in time it will happen again. I am in no rush. I'm still finding and working on myself. Truth is, that if I'm not sure who I am then how can I be with someone? How can I expect to have a relationship and have that person understand me when I don't even understand myself. 

 As for all my other battles, my depression is a battle that for now I am the victor. Some days the war is waging but I can beat it, the gym is my battlefield, its the warzone that I can always win in. This is one of my other battlefileds, writng is my heart spilling out, it's the escape of the pain I hold on too, it's an release of my anxiety. I can beat these demons but they will never been completely dead, so once I beat them, I gear up and wait for the next battle. Pervention is the best weapon. Addiction, I beat that one too but that is a deamon that is the most dangarous. That one is sneaky, it attacks frist with depression then with anxiety, then it starts taking over my thoughts. I had my wake-up call, that is a deamon that won't be defeating me anymore. As powerful and as sneaky as it may be I will defeat it. 

 Just like cancer I'm in remission, remission from all my demons, and like I said pervention is the best way, I can stop them before they attack. I'm doing what I need to do to stop this from happening to me again. I am not depressed, I do not have GAD, I am not a druggie. I am not any of those things, and I will never be. I am better then that. Those are lables I do not want associated with myself. 

 I am not a monster, but I am no angel. I have done bad things and I have done good things. I don't judge others and all I ask is for people to not judge me. but that is something that is inevitable. I will be judge and I will labeled. But I'm trying to change that. It will take time to prove myself but I am willing to take the time to do that. I must prove it to myself before I can prove it to anyone else. I have a safety net now, so if I fall I won't drop into the bottomless pit. All the times before I was fighting alone, a one woman army. It's nice to now I have soldiers by my side willing to fight for me. 

 

 

238 hit(s) (0 comments) | What now?  
a rock and a hard place
Feeling: scared

No one said life was going to be easy

I just never thought it was going to be this hard. I honestly dont know what to do at this point, either way I'm prerry much F in the A if you know what I mean.

It's like I'm cornered and trapped with no one to trust. I know what I have to do, and as scary as it is its the right thing to do.

Fear is the worst emotion, its makes us crazy it eats away at us the stress alone can kill. There's a line between good and bad, right and wrong that line isn't always clear but its there, the ones who protect us can hurt us and vice versa 

Truth is I'm more afride of the ones who hurt us, I wont let fear stop me from doing the right thing, maybe it's time to start having faith in the right things again 

238 hit(s) (4 comments) | What now?  
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
Listening to: bastille pompeii
Feeling: tired

There are times where our past comes back to haunt us?

 We all make mistakes and we learn from them, but to have the mistakes come back and hunt us after we already learn from it is torture.

 There is not much that I can do as this point, I must accept things for what they. Mistake or not, I still did it. And I guess this is life's way of putting me in a time out. I don't think I deserve this but then again who actually believes they need to be punished. I'm not a monster, but I'm not an angle.,

 My problmes are my own fault (not really).

I do know how to fix things, or at least make them better. I really don't care its just the way things are, how they always been and will be. I love my family. I love my friends, but sometimes I feel like they don't really know me. I feel like I get treated poorly a lot of the time. It dosen't bother me much. Compared to my past I have gotten a lot better at this.

 It used to be really really bad a few years ago, even last year I was bad with what I let people do to me. I have grown and changed and I am stronger then I ever was. I used to let people walk all over me and be so mean to me, I put up with so much abuse but I am not that little girl anymore. I'm not scared. I don't deserve to be treated like shit.

So now with I fight back or say no it makes me look like that bad person, cause I'm standing up for myself. In time things will get better. I need go now, I just got back from the gym and starting writing this. Now its time to shower, change and head to work. Hopefully we don't a snow storm tonight...ugh

 

253 hit(s) (0 comments) | What now?  


Entry List
I really just don't care
its been awhile
I can't even
Tomorrow
I DON'T WANNA!!!
Back and Forth
The endless fight
Truth be told
a rock and a hard place
How am I gonna be an optimist...
Like a bird
What's Worst
Since Saturday
I only have two hands
What?
Phase Two
Size 3
ARGH
What was I thinking
Game Over
Whhaaatttteevvverrrrr
16 miles
i miss you but i hate you
well now
Freanking fantastic
Right here
braindead
It makes me
Just walk away
My Birthday
Whatever will be, will be
Empty house, empty heart,...
Tapped out
A rope, a chair and buttet...
Undercover Lover
blank
What am I doing?
Goodnight, Goodbye
Rusty knives,Black tears, and...
Horrible Morning.
The Fall
Why.. Why must it still hurt
Forever and always
Can you hear me now?
finally
because I'm broken
what it takes
uhhh yea
The breaking wheel
update
Roulette
Advice? Someone? Anyone?
In the dark
Inside my head
update didn't see this coming
Tomorrow
Heads up
F&#%
0 to 90
Prevaricator
unforeseen
Shame on me
Why am I so upset?
Honestly
Kryptonite
It will not bleed
Stuck on repeat
take me out
something I should not share
Day one and it sucks out loud
heavy feeling
Force Field
Things that pisses me off (2)
Things that piss me off
Just thinking
why do I care?
Just one more time
damsel in distress
drama drama drama
WHY WHY WHY
so much for that
the curse
set this house on fire
it would be nice
The sacrifice
peace
breaking down
target practice
optional
translation
Last Night
Christmas Tree Hell
not you're girlfriend
frustration
Corollary
positions
what?
Bipolar?
heroin
serenity
still thinking about it
should i tell someone?
why am i so mad?
FML
Loveless Love
caught in the act
SHIT
I can't win....
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!
college Cafe
closed
One lucky day
I see you
ooooo wow
oh Tyler
if you cold only....
what is this?
I think..........
back to school
The real issue....
blah blah
I want new!
you're not sorry
totally lame
I hate
how my sister makes me feel
ENOUGH HELP ME!
x's and oh's
fuck you
My mask
so little time
not cool
Meh....
I am a .....
my head is pounding
love is a bullet
9mm kisses
fucking early
you must stop
this is it
Perfect
mistake
winter
asylum of the mind
breath
tyler
I never did what he says I did
what did i do?
sly 513 (3)
bye
leave me alone!!!
answer 2
answer
sunday
SLY 513 (2)
massage institute of cape cod
SLY 513
dad?
spilt milk
all
dear friend
what once was
ENOUGH
kill me
please be a dream
letting go of love
blah
the promis
killing a part of myself
where will our bones rest?
shadows
answer
swing swing
I'm sorry NO
a look can break your heart
a DIRTTY mistake I made
a little note
dirtty blood
anything and everything
for the sake of love
maybe some day
?
I'm lame
hello again
burn another page
HELP
right for all the wrong...
dsfhfdkhjjk
Cocaine
purple
pain and sorrow
and if.................
BROKEN
3:09
im sorry now
dont ask me
You left your mark like a...
me
people are lame
This is how i feel right n0w
heyy heyy why dont ya just...
i really hate people
i hate people
BLAH
afi
kill me
you wont run away
shake me
I lOvE hIm <33
reality?
SUCH IS LIFE
.......in a perfect world.....
blahhhhhh
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
the breaking point
blah
honesty now
acid that works itself from...
A friendship that can be...
blah
Happy Birthday to me
f a l l i n g i n t o o b...
how i really feel behind the...
lost and found
Screw Valentines Day
past meets today
im so sorry
FUCK EVERYONE!
B y e ?
D o n t c h o k e
F
no reason for a name
Where am i at this point in...
who i am
true
No I dont feel like it right...
as good as it's gonna get
7:28
miss me?
taken over
is there anyone out there?
this is not a dream ... it's...
it's just like rain
what is this?
it's everyone than no one
who really gives a shit
just great
can I turst him this time?
why do I care still??
...... what the hell?
yeah right
what the hell...
yeah... ok
ummm ok?
Sucks
you can't say bomb in school!
EMO KIDS AHHHHHHHH
Call it what you want...
blank
Entry title
umm yeah
blank
THERES A FUCKING BOMB IN THE...
blank
What did I do to you?
bite me
Guess Who is back!!!
fuck the (insert word here)
fuck this shit
269 post(s)