Your Heart Is Pink
In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.
Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.
Your flirting style: Coy
Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park
Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant
What you bring to relationships: Romance
What Color Heart Do You Have?
http://www.sitdiary.net/yea/?cmd=view_entry&eid=90
I lived, somehow, through that fall. I miss that guy sometimes. He was happier. He smiled more.
But nevermore. I've moved on to another girl, that I do deeply care for. But the past keeps knocking.
FUCK!
What's a boy to do?
I can't leave Kayla. I really can't. I'd die.
But what can I do? There's a barrier there. And I'm too afraid to knock it down.
When I watch you, wanna do you, right where you're standing…yeah.
Right on the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view…oh, yeah….
Of the whole ghetto, the boot-stomped meadows, but we ignore that, yeah.
You're lovely baby, this war is crazy, I won't let you down…oh, no no….
No, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
Oh, no…I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
No, oh no, no, no….
And when our city vast and shitty falls to the Axis, yeah…
They'll search the buildings, collect gold fillings, wallets, and rings…oh, yeah.
But Miss Black Eyeliner, you'd look finer with each day in hiding, oh yeah…
Beneath the wormwood, ooooo, love me so good…
They won't hear us screw away the day.
I'll make you say:
“Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…”
“Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…”
(No, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
Whoa, no…I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…)
Our Treblinka is alive with the glory of love….
Treblinka, alive with the glory of love! Yeah!
(Ok, speed it up….Go!)
Should they catch us and dispatch us to those separate war camps, yeah.
I'll dream about you, I will not doubt you with the passing of time….Oh, yeah.
Should they kill me, your love will fill me as warm as the bullets, yeah.
I'll know my purpose: this war was worth this. I won't let you down…
No, I won’t….
No, I won’t….
No, I won’t….
(Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…)
Hell no, no…Whoa, no, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you….Hell, no, no.
No! No!
The days of night have come...finally...to show me what I need to see.
To speak to me what I need to hear, and give me what I need to survive.
Finally...
Finally......
It's all worth it.
It's 5 am, and I'm not the least bit sleepy.
Again.
This is beginning to be a common occurance. And it's annoying. I try to sleep at decent hours, but slumber seems to simply elude me until dawn.
That's not good, seeing I'm hoping to get a job that start's at 8 am.
Oh yea. Been a while since I posted. I'm sure nobody reads this tho. Sooo
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...
Blah!
Such a touchy subject.
Why do humans find the need to cling to the idea of a supernatural being looking over us?
My idea: We need to. The thought of us not just appearing here and having someone or something else place us here for a reason appeals to our vanity as a race. I dunno. All I know is what I believe.
Nativism, as I call it. It's not true nativism. I just dubbed it that, since it's easier to type than "Ancestral Beliefs".
Anyway. Monotheism. The belief that all things around you have an....essence. Not quite a spirit, but a connection. The rocks and trees, birds and squirrels, man and deer. All connected, in some way.
Also it's a belief that animals, other than humans, should be respected in the same manner as other people are. Except we don't eat other people.
For example, you kill a deer, you ask your "Brother Deer" for forgiveness for causing him pain, and thank him for nourishing your body and giving his remains to you for whatever use you might have for them. Making a new shirt, sinew for a bow, hoof for a hilt, whatever.
But yea, that's a little bit more on what I believe. It's relatively simple, and it translated to modern society.
Oh how I wish I could go back to the days when we didn't know about visitors from over the "Great Pond". Those days were...lovely. A virtual Utopia, for me anyway. Sure there was war and all that, but it wasn't for the same reasons as now. We didn't battle over belongings, because there was no sense of owning anything. There's not even a word for it.
We fought for simple things. Honor. Hunting grounds. Things like that. Not because we wanted to expand our borders, or because we thought the tribe next to us looked funny.
Speaking of honor, that's what I miss. The sense of a fair fight, and the knowledge that your enemy had the same ideals as you.
But I suppose...the days of olde are gone forever. Well until after WW3, if man survives that one. Oh well. There are only two things I know of the be constant, so says Einstein, the universe and man's ignorance.
Cherrio chaps!
Lie-
1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.
I wonder who this is meant to be read by!
=0
Now...yesterday was stressful. BUT! I don't really give a shit...lol.
I should be getting a local job in a few days, which is gooooood.
Other than that, I'm bored! Yea that's about it.
From Friday afternoon thru Tuesday night. THAT'S a stress reliever.
My soul's lighter now. And everything seems clearer. Good thing? I like to think so.
It's nice to have someone that actually thinks like me, likes what I like, and feels what I feel...it's been so long since I've had that.
I thought I had that in a woman, so I put a ring on her finger. She proved me wrong.
Now I have someone else who shows me the same things, and hopefully won't switch up on me. The best part about it? This is my second chance at making things right with her.
Yea true, in another life I broke her heart. And the whole time I was with her, I reminded her I was sorry for that, and will do my damnedest not to do it again. So far I like to think I'm doing a good job of it. She agrees.
Now, to fix my financial situation. That's gonna be a BITCH! Fucking Army. Thanks for the even more broken body Uncle Sam! 'Preciate it!
Fuckers.
Time well spent.
I didn't see where it went.
Day after day of drear is gone.
I no longer feel alone.
Now these words begin to flow again.
Funny how it came from such a sin.
Nevermore shall I sit in gloom.
Encased in this prison of a room.
My soul has been set free!
Overwhelming light has been set on me.
No names are needed.
I'm ALMOST drunk
And Chrustmas still fuckin sux.
So....to all you journal readers...
Fuck you..and you...and you...and yes, you too.
BUT!
HEY KAYLA!
=D
Fuckin Christmas. Woopty fuckin do.
Know how I'm gonna bring it in? A bottle in my hand, and hateful emotions in my heart.
Why? Think. This Christmas I was supposed to come home in that high speed uniform, to a loving wife, and a welcome home party. Know what I got when I DID come home? A pissed and confused woman, wearing my name, telling me to get out.
So yea...Merry Fuckin Christmas.
That I still miss her, even after all this shit. Everyday I look around and see something that brings back a funny memory, or a warm smile. Like that Valentines we held each other in the dark for, 8 hours? Hardly any words were spoken that night. Perfection.
Now that the holidays are closer and closer, I think of the Christmas's past. The time we spent together on those days. The gifts. The hugs, the kisses, the love shared. The times missed.
I don't think about the bad much. All my mind seems to focus on are those prescious few moments when I saw nothing but her eyes. Or her smile. Or heard nothing but her voice, or the beat of her heart. When I felt nothing but her love, and her touch. Those times where she filled every sense of my body, and I felt complete, whole.
Or even those times I was with another girl, and hung my head low as I might have sex with her, but think about my once true love. I think about those hearts I broke, abandoning them for the one I'd eventually marry.
I know I've apologized to them before, but I think I need to again.
I'm sorry for that. I don't know if it was ignorance, or denial. Whatever it was, it lead me to hurting you, and that was wrong.
But the thing that always ends up on my mind last, is the time lost. The chances missed. What if? If I hadn't met her, where would I be? I had such grand plans. I was going to go to college, become an officer in the United States Air Force, fight over the lands of America's enemies, then streak into space as a NASA astronaut.
But now...I can barely get around on a rainy day. Life's so ironic, isn't it? God really must have a sense of humor.
But now, I have to figure out what I'm going to do with myself? I've had no callbacks about jobs. No luck with employment. The last thing I want is to work at another McJob (dead end job). I want to start a career! Get my own place, waste my money on alchohol and fast women, then one day find the that one (is it possible to do again?), and become the father I see myself being. A son, few years later, and a daughter in my arms everyday after I come home. Asking me how my day was. Telling me about school, and what they learned. Asking advice on homework, or their latest crush. I want to be that Daddy. The one that's the best in the world. I want to be my children's hero. I want them to know I loved them even now, before I even met their mother.
I want to lead a life of good doing. I don't care about fame or any of that. I just want a decent life, with no MORE regrets. When I die, I want to be able to smile, knowing I did good. I want so much...but where the hell do I start?
Every avenue's closed, every door shut in my face. It's starting to tick me off. I'm tired of running into brick walls at every turn.
I'm running in a maze, trying to find that little slice of cheese at the end. All I seem to find, is dead ends.
Oh well. Knock myself off and get back on the saddle? (Damn I hate westerns.)
Life's such bullshit. Send me back to highschool! I miss those days. Flirting all day, bullshitting at practice/night school, fucking my current girlfriend, playing video games, eating, then sleeping.
That...was heaven, and I didn't even know it. I ignored everyone that said those few years are the best of your life. And it really seems that way. Damn...
Beth. I can bear being a friend of yours, if you're willing. I do, really, miss talking to you. I don't know. I've been thinking about calling you, but haven't tried yet. I even thought about asking you to go see a movie with me?
Just to have something to do. These white walls have become bars in my eyes. You know what I'm talking about. I guess I'll call...sometime...
A better day...well night.
I've gotten into the habit of sleeping all day, and staying up all night. I've become nocturnal.
Now I don't like it...and really don't care to get out of it. Odd...
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Well fuck it.
Me descisions made, it's been made for me.
I'm just gonna go get a job and go back to school.
Thanks Beth. At least you made up me mind. But no thanks for all the shit you've put me through. You've made a big mistake. I doubt he'll make you as happy as I did.
There was something right there in front of you, that you wanted more than anything else in the world, but were too afraid to grab it?
Ever other time you grabbed it, you were burnt. It looked like it was safe, but it burned you. And now your hand's beginning to not work right...not feel.
Would you still try to grab it? Even if it meant eternal sorry if you didn't?
Would you risk burning yourself again, knowing that if you did you would never recover, and possibly die?
That's my problem. Do I risk being alone or unhappy with some whore, or do I suck it up and lay myself on the line again, knowing that my heart's been taped back together enough?
Descisions...descisions.