I don’t know why but I have been thinking about when my brother was in the hospital for along time. My parents were supporting my relatives but they needed someone to support them. And I was like the only person supporting them. At least that is how it felt. I remember the first night like it was yesterday. I ended staying awake 3 days straight. Then we finally got a hotel room. I remember patient’s families coming and then going. I was always thinking, how come that’s not us leaving? We’ve been here forever and they only have been here so long. Yeah…well…I remember staying the night with my aunt and uncle in Manhattan a lot. I would hang out with my friends up there and went to parties. I pretty much tried to drink away my troubles and pain. I remember thinking that if my brother was going to die that I didn’t deserve to live. I wouldn’t know how to go on without him. I had my death all planned out in case my brother didn’t make it. Well now every time the phone rings I always think…Is that the police calling to tell us Bryant was in a wreck and he is dead or in the hospital? I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like I’m going insane…people always ask me if I’m okay and I say I am…but I’m not sure that I actually am. I didn’t write all of this so people would feel sorry for me. I don’t need that. I wrote all of this because its been on my chest for over 2 years now and I couldn’t just keep it in. Alyssa

I'm starting to get scared. People shouldn't be friends with me. Anyone that is a friend of mine is going to wreck or die. Lets see...Alex died in a car wreck. Bryant got in a car wreck and was in the hospital for 6 monthsand he has a brain injury. Dustin was in a car wreck and was in the hospital for along time and he has a brain injury. Christina (Tina) was in a car wreck and died. George was in a car wreck Monday. Now he's in the hospital and I don't know if he is going to be okay.

I feel like a piece of me is missing. Alyssa

OMG I EFFING HATE SCHOOL!!! IT SUX ASS! I am suppose to be doing four (count them, one, two, three, four, YES FOUR!) fundraisers at once. Why don't I just like go around asking people for money instead?!?! PISSES ME OFF!! Yeah...well...I am tired of school already and I hate algebra and all the effing homework! GRRRR! Alyssa

Last night was awesome! Tara D had her little shindig. Tara, Me, Patty (Patrick), Mike, Cary, and Caleb were there. It was great fun! Umm we ate chips and cookies and drank. I hadn’t eaten anything all day so I got drunk really, really fast. I ended up wanting to fall asleep at like 10 pm. Usually I stay up all night and party. I went and laid down on the air bed in Tara’s room and Cary came in to stay in there with me to make sure I was okay. I remember Tara coming into the room and getting blankets so her and Patty could sleep in the living room. I guess Cary, Caleb, and Mike left around 11 something. I woke up at 6 a.m. and nobody was up. So I just listened to music till 10 a.m. Tara made me and her Mac ‘n’ Cheese for breakfast. It was really good. Cary came over when she was making it and then he got bored and left. Tara and I ate and then I went and put my foot on Patty’s back and shook him to get him up. He finally got up at like noon. I left at 1:15 p.m. to get back at my house at 1:30. I got home and did my algebra II and American history. I want to go out tonight but I doubt I will get to cuz it is Sunday. Well that’s my update. *&^%$#@!Alyssa!@#$%^&*

I stole this from KATIE!!! HAHAHA!!! xx.Do you enjoy depressing music? At times xx.What makes you sigh? Nothing xx.How many hours a day, on average, do you spend feeling sorry for yourself? Who said I feel sorry? xx.Who or what always brings you down? Not getting to do what I want! HAHA! xx.Do you wear glasses? Contacts xx.What frightens you? That I can not tell you xx.Do you wear sweaters all the time? I wear hoodies xx.What makes you tick?? People saying they are going to kick my brother¡¯s ass xx.How many times has your heart been broken? Never xx.What do you think of Dashboard Confessional? Awesome! xx.Tell me about that time you broke that law? Which time? xx.Would you rather date a sissy or a homeboy? HOMEBOY! xx.Sex or drugs or breaking stuff? LOL xx.The Clash or The Ramones? No clue xx.Is Bowling for Soup punk? Yes xx.Do you do things that are "bad for your body"? Yep xx.How many times have/were you kicked out of that place? What place? xx.Are you in trouble all the time? Yep yep xx.Do you want to die? Absolutely¡¦I don¡¯t wanna live forever xx.What do you think about graveyards? Matters xx.Do you write poetry often? Yes xx.How much black clothing do you own? Alot xx.What type of makeup do you wear? Hell if I know xx.What do you think about pain? Good xx.How do you feel about the rest of the world? I donno xx.Do you cry often? No xx.What do you think about vampires? Awesome¡¦I¡¯m a vampire freak myself! xx.How messy are you in general? My room is. xx.Do you bang your head on things repeatedly? Not on purpose xx.What do you think of mullets? Awesome xx.When did you start drinking alchohol? 7th Grade xx.Do you go to concerts often? I would if I had the money xx.What band rock your pants off? Ozzy Osborne xx.What do you think about violence? Matters xx.Who or what makes you homicidal? People xx.Worship Satan or practice black magic? No xx.How wild are you in general? I¡¯ve been told I¡¯m wild and crazy¡¦I love to party xx.Are you wearing any clean clothes right now? All of them are clean xx.How often do you do the laundry? Once a week xx.Do you wear flannel shirts a lot? Hahaha¡¦.no xx.When was the last time you showered? When I got home from vball practice xx.Do you speak clearly? Yes xx.Are you a lazy person? Yep xx.What do you think about Nirvana? I worship Kurt Cobain!! LOL! xx.What makes you different from the rest of them? I am weird xx.What was the last big decision you made? To play vball or not xx.How hard do you work to get what you want? I donno¡¦lol xx.Why might some people consider you to be an asshole? Cuz¡¦I just can be one xx.Do you trust others? Hell no xx.Are you a loyal friend? Umm you tell me xx.Do you live in the ghetto? No xx.Have you ever even held a gun before? Yes xx.How much bling do you own? Matters what you consider bling. xx.Would you rather have your best friend be a wangsta or a wigga? Wangsta xx.Would you rather be bustin' caps or rollin' joints? Rollin joints xx.Big butts or big boobs? Umm whats the question? xx.What's your best pickup line? I don¡¯t use them xx."Fo' Sho" or "Yeah, son"? Fo¡¯ Sho xx.Who or what makes you so excited you piss your pants? I don¡¯t piss my pants! xx.Prep or Yuppie? Prep xx.How much money do you spend on bad music? Alot xx.Justin Timberlake or Nick Carter? Neither xx.Do you like mainstream music? FUCK THE MAINSTREAM!! xx.Do you want to be a pop diva? Hell no! xx.How many times, on average, do you say "like", persentence? Hell if I know xx.OMIGOD or OMG? OMG Yeah...well I got up at 5:45am to go to vball practice. Then came home and slept till 2pm after vball practice. Then got up and ate food and then left at 3:50pm to go practice vball again. Right now I'm talking to Georgia and downloading Doesn't Remind Me by Audioslave. Well I donno what to say so laters. Alyssa

Today was the last time I got to sleep in before school starts. I have volleyball practice in the mornings now on. It’s going to suck. Umm…I don’t really know what to say right now. My cat, Ash, just snuck in the house when my mom opened the door to go outside. Umm…nothing interesting has happened. I think that’s all for today. LOL! Atomship- Withered Because it’s two in the morning and I’m feeling so ugly. I’ve got this chip on my shoulder, keep my eyes spread wide open. If you’d let me go. Then I’d walk myself into the room, yes I will. Then I’d lay right down and daydream of you, yes I will. With this soul tell smile I’ll blow a kiss to you, yes I will. Then I’d lay right down and daydream of you. It seems the sun is still sleeping and I’m feeling so lonely. There’s a girl in my bedroom but don’t you worry she’s not breathing. If you’d let me go. Then I’d walk myself into the room, yes I will. Then I’d lay right down and daydream of you, yes I will. With this hotel smile I’ll blow a kiss to you, yes I will. Then I’d lay right down and daydream of you. And though your soul’s been withered and wisped away. My grey matter brings me home. And though your soul’s been withered and wisped away. Your grey matter brings you home. If you’d let me go. Then I’d walk myself into the room, yes I will. Then I’d lay right down and daydream of you, yes I will. With this hotel smile I’ll blow a kiss to you, yes I will. Then I’d lay right down and daydream of you. Because it’s two in the morning and my eyes are spread wide open.

My family went to Hutchison on Thursday. We went to this hotel with an indoor water park. I personally think the park sucked. There wasn't much to it. I just about drowned. I was gasping for breath for probably 3 minutes. Now when I laugh I can kinda feel water in my lungs. It sucks ass. Ummm...I went out last night. Wasn't much fun though. Went to Pomona and was suppose to goto a party but it ended up getting cancelled cause it rained. I ended up hanging out with Tara D. I called Cary but he was in Centropolis at Tim's house. Tara and I went to Ottawa and drove around. I seen Brandy Yohe…fuckin bitch! We went to Wal-Mart and played with the toys. It was pretty funny cause people kept looking at us weird. We walked out the door and it was pouring down rain. Tara’s like I’m not going in that!! I pushed her into the rain and ran to my car. We drove around some more and then headed to her house. We sat around for awhile and then I had to leave. I got home and Bryant was talking about Kyle S. Kyle is my friend but he doesn’t know that Bryant is my brother. Kyle doesn’t like my brother for some reason. He wants to kick my brother’s ass. Once I tell Kyle that Bryant is my brother then he will probably back off. If he doesn’t back off then he is going to have to go through me to get to my brother. Nothing has happened today except it’s been pouring down rain. I don’t have plans for today so it’s going to be another boring day. Well…leave some comments. Here's a survey... Have you ever 1. Given a homeless guy more than $5? I would if I had more than 5 dollars 2. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out?: Where would I get that much money? 3. Had sex with more than one person in a day?: Hell no! 4. Hooked up with a good friends bf/gf behind their back?: I would never do that 5. Dated two people at once?: No 6. Actually met someone from myspace that you didn't know before? Nope 7. Been raped? haha 8. Failed more than one class? Never failed a class 9. Took someone's virginity when you weren't a virgin? No 10. Hooked up with someone from a different race? Yep 11. Ran around naked outside in the daytime/night time? HELL YES! 12. scuba dived? No 13. snorkled? No 14. Dated someone you didn't want your friends to meet? Yea 15. Got your stomach pumped, from alcohol poisoning? No 16. Threw up from alcohol? Don’t make me think about it! 17. Been suspended from school? Nope 18. Kissed someone of the same sex? Nope 19. Wore a short skirt with out panties? Nope 20. Let a guy paint your toenails (girls) paint a girls toenails (guys)?: No. 21. Met someone famous? Yep 22. Saved someone's life? I donno 23. Seen someone die? My dog 24. Killed someone? No but I want to sometimes! 25. Been in a physical fight? Yep 26. Hooked up with someone 10yrs older or younger then you? Nope 27. Been arrested? No 28. Spent the night in jail? No 29. Been in more than three car accidents in a year? No 30. Had sex outside? No 31. Given or gotten road head? Hell no! 32. Had sex in your house when your parents were home? No 33. Had phone sex? No 34. Been turned off by someone's personal hygiene? Yep 35. Watched the donkey show? Huh? 36. Had sex without a condom? No 37. Had a one night stand? No 38. Triple Kissed? Nope 39. Had sex on the beach? No 40. Watched porn with someone else? Never watched porn 41. Been fired from a job? What job? LOL! 42. Danced on top of a bar? No 43. Had sex somewhere in your high school? Nope 44. Bought a vibrator? Hell no! 45. Been in a porn shop? Nope 46. Been in a dance competition? Yep 47. Had a threesome? Ewww No! 48. Spent more than one night in a hospital? Yea…but I wasn’t the patient 49. ODed on a drug? Nope Alyssa

I stayed the night at Tara D's house the other day. She stayed the night at my house last night. Today we went to Ottawa just to get Double Cheeseburgers from McDonalds. They tasted SOOO GOOD!! Thinking about it makes me want one! LOL! Then we went to Sonic to talk to Victoria cuz she was there getting food. So we sat at the table and talked. Then we went to Goodies just to look at clothes. Then Tara and I left to goto her house. She got in a big argument with her lil sis. It was pretty bad. So we left to goto the park and swing. We were there for probably over an hour. I called Cary to see where he was and he was in Burg at his brothers. So I went home and ate supper. Now I'm bored...nobody is really online. Yeah...So leave me some comments! Alyssa So I’m the king of all these things Of this mess I have made Such a waste What a shame My whole life is a fake Well I’m a bore and I’m sure I’m a thorn inside of you That has torn at you for years The alcohol, the Demerol, These things never could replace What a minute with you could do To put a smile on my face Well I’m a bore and I’m sure I’m a thorn inside of you That has torn at me for years I can’t get out of this dead skin I can’t shed my skin Not sure where to begin I can’t get under my dead skin I can’t shed my skin Can I sleep till then? Phenobarbital and alcohol These two surely will do To knock me out To keep me down At least a day or two When I’m awake I can taste how bitter I’ve become And it’s more than I can bear Some days I pray, someone will blow me away Make it quick, but let it burn So I can feel my life fade Well, I’m a waste, and I can taste How bitter I’ve become And it’s more than I can bear I can’t get out of this dead skin I can’t shed my skin Not sure where to begin I can’t get under my dead skin I can’t shed my skin Can I sleep til then? (I can't shed my skin) (I can't shed my skin) I can’t get out of this dead skin Not so well to begin I can’t get under my dead skin Can I sleep til then? I can’t get out of this dead skin I can’t shed my skin Not so well to begin I can’t get under my dead skin I can’t shed my skin Can I sleep til then?

Yeah...I know I said I was going to quit my diary but I actually kinda need this. I feel like I betrayed people or sumthing. Ummm I kinda need some advice on something. Meylissa wants to have sex with my boyfriend Cary. He doesn't know she likes him but he goes over to her house to hang out. Meylissa wants to get him drunk and fuck him. Cary won't cheat on me but I don't know what will happen when he is drunk. When I think about all of this it makes me feel like I'm going to puke. I donno what that is about. Cary has been lying to me too. He says he is going to Ethan's house but he ends up going to Meylissa's and it makes me worry. I don't know what to do. If you have any advice to give me leave me a comment. Alyssa

Let’s see…two days ago was my birthday. So I’m 17 now and I don’t feel any different. Not very many people remembered it was my birthday. Here’s the people that remembered. Kyle, Tara D, Cassie, my mom, and Cary. My dad forgot it and so did my brother. My Grandma and Grandpa’s forgot too. Yeah well it was a pretty great birthday. I had a lot of chips! Tara D stayed the night at my house. Meylissa was suppose to stay the night too but her mum wouldn’t let her so that sucked. I spent the whole day with Tara and Cary! It was awesome. We went to the fair. I got a present from Cary. Guess what it was? It was chips! It was great. Yeah…well if you didn’t know…well this is my last entry for this diary. I made a new one that is private. Well I don’t know what to say so laters…and have a great life. LOL! Alyssa

Today was a really funny/disgusting/exciting day. LOL! Well I got up at 10:30 to take a shower. After my bro was ready to leave I drove to Lawrence and we picked up a kitten my lil cousin begged me to take so she didn’t have to take him to the animal shelter. So Bryant and I were at their house for like an hour. Caroline didn’t wanna give up the kitten but her mom told her we needed to leave. Yeah well we got in the car and drove to McDonalds with the cat and got some food to eat on the way back. I gave the kitten little pieces of bread from my sandwich and Bryant gave him a French fry. Well the cat settled down and fell asleep on Bryant and then it would wake up and I’m like just set him in the back seat. He can sleep there. Well we would look back there every so often and see if he was still sleeping. Well after we had just gotten out of Ottawa and I was driving down a hill I hear the cat making a noise. And boy do I not like the noise! I turn around and I’m like Bryant that cat better not puke in my car! And it starts to puke and I’m like SHIT!!! FUCKING CAT! DAMNIT! NO FUCKING WAY!! I pull over on a road. I get out and I look at the back seat. Does that cat puke in one spot? Oh nooo! It pukes in four different spots on the seat. I’m like FUCK! I grab all the napkins I can find and clean the cat up and then clean the puke up as much as I can. Well cat seemed fine after that. Then later on the cat goes down to were my feet are and just lays there and falls asleep. I’m like okay whatever. Well then I see the cat wake up and it walks over to were the door is and just kinda sits there. I’m like you sooo better not be taking a shit! I pull over and pick the cat up and there is fucking diarrhea on my sandal and the floor board and the floor mat. I’m like EWWWWW DISGUSTING! DAMN IT YOU FUCKING CAT! Well I get the febreze that I have in my car out and spray it on the shit cuz it smells soooo bad! Well we end up getting home and right as soon as I turn the car off the cat starts to puke again. I grab the cat and put it outside my door and what does it puke up? Just spit. The cat’s stomach was empty by then. Well it was pretty funny to have my brother in the car when all of this happened cuz he couldn’t stop laughing and I was like laughing. It was great except that I had to clean it all up by myself. I let Caroline and Sam name the cat. His name is Tiger cuz he looks like one. He is litter box trained and he would be a great house cat but my parents won’t let me keep him inside. Well tonight I had him in the house and he was kneading my arm. You know like when they are little and they nurse on the mothers and it soothes them. Well the cat wouldn’t quit so I went and put him on my dad. I was laughing my ass off cuz he kept kneading my dad’s belly. Well I went in and gave him some milk and then I gave him to my dad. Tiger finally fell asleep on my dad in the recliner. Then my dad started to fall asleep. It was pretty funny. Well the school has my schedule messed up. They have me for gym first thing in the morning at Pomona. Then they have me set up for two social studies classes. I only need one! It’s really pissing me off. I’m gonna try and get it changed. If you guys are wondering why I haven’t set my journal to private yet, it’s because I’m gonna wait till my b-day to do it. Well only one person is pry gonna read this. So there isn’t any point in writing more. Alyssa

Well I think I'm going to make my journal private because not many people read it. I don't really see why I should let other people read it anyways. I mean...my life is boring and not much ever exciting happens. My throat is finally starting to feel better. Tomorrow will be ten days since my surgery. Tara D is going to stay the night at my house on my b-day. My mum and dad won't let me stay at her house cuz they say I get sick everytime I go over there. Well I haven't talked to Cary for 10 days. I tried to get a hold of him but he doesn't answer his phone. Tara said she thinks he is in Mississippi cuz he is visiting his cousins. I hope he is back fefore Thursday so I can at least see him on my b-day. Well I tried to call Tara today too and nobody will answer the phone. I don't know what else to say. Next time I get on the internet I am going to make my journal private. I'm just letting you guys know ahead of time. Well laters. Alyssa

extremely long surveyCreated by xfallingforyoux and taken 90423 times on bzoink!ABOUT YOUYour full name:AlyssaAge:16Height:5'8"Natural hair colour:Dark BrownEye colour:HazelNumber of siblings:1Glasses/contacts?:contactsPiercings:earsTattoos:i wishBraces?:not anymoreFAVOURITEColour:BlueBand:DisturbedSong:ColdStuffed animal:DogVideo game:Anything MarioTV show:SimpsonsMovie:Any Movies w/ Chris FarleyBook:WatchingAliceFood:Mac 'n' CheeseGame on a cell phone:BubbleCD cover:EvanescenceFlower:AlyssumScent:Sweet PeaAnimal:FerretComic book:DonnoCereal:Captain CrunchWebsite:Bored.comCartoon:SimpsonsDO YOUPlay an instrument?:YeaWatch TV more than 60 hours a week?:NoLike to sing?:Matters What I SingHave a job?:NoHave a cell phone?:YeaLike to play sports?:YeaHave a boyfriend/girlfriend?:YeaHave a crush on someone?:I guessLive somewhere NOT in the united states?:NoHave more than 5 TVs in your house?:NoHave any special talents/skills?:YeaExcercise daily?:Pretty MuchLike school?:NoCAN YOUSing the alphabet backwards?:NoStand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?:NoSpeak any other languages?:YeaGo a day without food?:YeaStay up for more than 24 hours?:Heck YeaRead music, not just tabs?:YeaRoll your tongue?:YeaEat a whole pizza?:NoHAVE YOU EVERSnuck out of the house?:YeaCried to get out of trouble?:YeaGotten lost in your city?:NoSeen a shooting star?:YeaBeen to any other countries besides the united states?:NoHad a serious surgery?:YeaStolen something important to someone else?:NoSolved a rubiks cube?:NoGone out in public in your pajamas?:YeaCried over a girl?:NoCried over a boy?:NoKissed a random stranger?:YeaHugged a random stranger?:YeaBeen in a fist fight?:YeaBeen arrested?:NoDone drugs?:YeaHad alcohol?:YeaLaughed and had milk come out of your nose?:NoPushed all the buttons on an elevator?:YeaGone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?:NoSwore at your parents?:YeaBeen to warped tour?:NoKicked a guy where it hurts?:NoBeen in love?:Donno what love isBeen close to love?:Donno what love isBeen to a casino?:YeaRan over an animal and killed it?:YeaBroken a bone?:NoGotten stitches?:YeaHad a waterballoon fight in winter?:YeaDrank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:NoMade homemade muffins?:NoBitten someone?:YeaBeen to disneyland/disneyworld?:YeaMore than 5 times?:NoBeen to niagra falls?:NoBurped in someones face?:YesGotten the chicken pox?:YesWHENS THE LAST TIME YOUBrushed your teeth:This morningWent to the bathroom:Like an hour agoSaw a movie in theaters:About a week agoRead a book:Other dayHad a snow day:Long Time AgoHad a party:DonnoHad a slumber party:When I was like in 5th gradeMade fun of someone:Other dayTripped in front of someone:DonnoWent to the grocery store:Like 4 days agoGot sick:Week agoCursed:YesterdayPICK ONEFruit/vegetables:VegetablesBlack/white:BlackLights on/lights off:OffTV/movie:MovieCar/truck:CarBody spray/lotion:SprayCash/check:CashPillows/blankets:BlanketsHeadache/stomach ache:HeadachePaint/charcoal:PaintChinese food/mexican food:MexicanSummer/winter:SUMMERSnow/rain:RainFog/misty:FogRock/rap:Can't decideMeat/vegetarian:MeatBoy/girl:BoyChocolate/vanilla:ChocolateSprinkles/icing:IcingCake/pie:CakeFrench toast/french fries:FriesStrawberries/blueberries:StrawberriesOcean/swimming pool:Swimming PoolHugs/kisses:Matter How Is Giving Them ;)Cookies/muffins:Cookiesp33n/bewbz:Huh?Wallet/pocket:PocketWindow/door:DoorEmo/goth:EmoPink/purple:PinkCat/dog:CatLong sleeve/short sleeve:ShortPants/shorts:PantsWinter break/spring break:Spring BreakSpring/autumn:SpringClouds/clear sky:Clear SkyMoon/mars:MoonFRIENDSHIPHow many friends do you have?:No ideaWhat are their names?:Colin, Aimee, Tara D, Tara B, Krysten, Katie, Jessica, Sheldon, Kyle O, Kyle J, Kyle S, Josh H, Josh P, Josh B, Josh S, Joe, Joe W, Joey, Cary, Colby, Caleb, Justin, and moreDo you have a best friend?:YesHave you ever liked one of your friends?:YesDo you have more guy friends or more girl friends?:GuyHave you ever lost a friend?:YesHave you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?:YesWhats an inside joke between you and a friend?:WATER!!Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?:YeaWhats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?:DonnoWhats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?:DonnoDo you miss any of your old friends?:YesWhat friend have you known the longest?:DonnoDo you regret anything youve done to a friend?:DonnoIf so, what is it?:....How often do you spend time with your friends?:A lotDo any of your friends drive?:SomeHas a friend of yours ever died?:YeaWhats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?:Confidential InfoWhat do you think your friends think of you?:Crazy, WeirdLOVE AND ALL THAT CRAPHave you ever been in love?:Donno what love isIf you have, with who?:...Are you single?:NoAre you in a relationship?:YeaIf so, for how long?:3 weeks 3 daysDo you believe there is someone for everyone?:NoWhat is your idea of the best date?:Dinner and a walk on the beachWhat was your first kiss like?:OkayHow old were you when you got your first kiss?:13Do you think love is a load of shit?:YeaWhats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?:DonnoIf you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?:...Have you ever been dumped?:YeaHave you ever dumped someone?:YeaWhats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?:Confidential InfoWORD ASSOCIATIONSlippers:FeetHat:HeadHard:RockFree:MONEYSpace:RocketTaste:BudsGood charlotte:RocksRed:BlueDeep:ThoughtsHeart:throbCord:bungee jumpCheese:yummyRain:awesomeWork:suxPedal:hardHead:restBed:restFluff:pillowHardcore:metalRace:whiteKnife:uhh ohhJump:cliffI....am:Alyssawant:moneyneed:moneycrave:moneylove:moneyhate:youdid:hahaha...feel:painmiss:Alexam annoyed by:someonewould rather:be cruisingam tired of:youwill always:hate youSILLY STUFFWhat is your favourite genre of music?:Rock and RapWhat time is it now?:6:46What day is it?:TuesdayWhens the last time you called someone?:Before my surgeryHow much money do you have right now?:not muchAre you hungry?:kindaWhatcha doin?:taking this surveyDo you like parades?:not reallyDo you like the moon?:yeaWhat are you going to do when youre done with this?:i donnoIsnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?:umm noIf you could have any magical power what would it be?:to kill youHave you ever had a picnic?:noDid you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?:noWhat about sock em boppers?:yeaAre you wearing any socks right now?:noDO YOU THINK YOU AREfunny?:kindapretty?:kindasarcastic?:yealazy?:not reallyhyper?:yeafriendly?:yeaevil?:yeasmart?:not reallystrong?:kindatalented?:yeadorky?:noASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know)high:Kyle S.skip:Josh Hdance:Colinlonely:AJpen:is hahahhaflower:Tara Bwindow:Timpsycho:Alyssabrain freeze:Meorange:Tara Dsassy:Cassiejelly:NellyFOR OR AGAINSTsuicide:Eitherlove:Againstdrunk drivers:Againstairplanes:Read 1 comments

I had surgery 3 days ago. It's really hard for me to breathe. I looked at my throat in the mirror and it looks disgusting. It's all white and and both sides of my throat I have holes where my tonsils where. The doctor ended up taking my adnoids out too cuz they were enlarged. I really want some chicken right now. I can't have anything but liquids. What really is making me mad is that I can't talk. I have to use a dry erase board to tell people stuff. Well I yesterday was Cary's birthday and I couldn't tell him happy b-day cuz I can't talk and I can't text him. Well I'm starting to like fall asleep in this chair cuz my pain medicine is kicking in. My mom is suppose to bring me mashed potatoes and gravy from KFC home for me. Well I'm gonna go laters. Josh- MAKE A SITDIARY!!! I'll give you lots of comments!! Alyssa

Surgery is in 2 days. I want to go see Cary before I have it. I don’t know why but I have a bad feeling about this. It’s starting to freak me out. If something does go wrong and you don’t really care about me, all I ask of you is that you don’t come to my funeral because I wouldn’t want you there. I talked to Aimee last night. It’s a good thing I called her after nine cause my cell phone bill would be huge! We talked for like 3 hours. It was great. I don’t really know what to say. Alyssa

(I push my fingers into my) Eyes It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache But it’s made of all the things I have to take Jesus it never ends, it works its way inside If the pain goes on… I have screamed until my veins collapsed I waited as my time’s elapsed Now all I do is live with so much fate I've wished for this, I've bitched at that I've left behind this little fact You cannot kill what you did not create I've gotta say what I've gotta say And then I swear I'll go away But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise I guess I’ll save the best for last My future seems like one big past You’re left with me 'cause you left me no choice I push my fingers into my eyes It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache If the pains goes on I'm not gonna make it! Put me back together Or separate the skin from bone Leave me all the pieces Then you can leave me alone Tell me the reality Is better than the dream But I found out the hard way Nothing is what it seems! I push my fingers into my eyes It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache But it’s made of all The things I have to take Jesus it never ends It works its way inside If the pain goes on I'm not gonna make it! All I've got All I've gone is insane! All I've got All I've gone is insane! All I've got! All I've gone is insane! All I've got! All I've gone is insane! All I've got All I've gone is insane! All I've got All I've gone is insane! I push my fingers into my eyes It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache But it’s made of all The things I have to take Jesus it never ends It works its way inside If the pain goes on I'm not gonna make it! All I've got All I've gone is insane! All I've got All I've gone is insane! All I've got! All I've gone is insane! All I've got! All I've gone is insane! July 1st was a GREAT Day! I haven't had that much fun since last November. I got sooo fucked up. It was great! I stayed the night with Tara D. Melissa F was there too. When we got there we ate some chips that Melissa stole from her dad. Then later we drank San Juan. That shit is good. It's really really sweet. Then Cary, Colby and Caleb came over. They are all brothers and I'm dating Cary. Colby and Caleb were both hitting on me and I was just laughing my ass off cuz I was drunk. They all left. Cary said he was going to sneak out and come back to see me. Tara and Melissa both passed out and I was trying to wake them up cuz when I get drunk I don't sleep. I just want to party even more cuz it is great fun. I gave up on them and I called Cary to see if he was coming back. He snuck out and I picked him up halfway so his parents wouldn't hear my car. At like 1 a.m. he needed to leave so I drove him back halfway and then I went back to Tara's house. I laid down on the couch and I couldn't sleep. It was like 2 a.m. the last time I remember looking at my cell phone. I guess I fell asleep sometime around there. Then I woke up at 5 a.m. I donno why but I couldn't fall back asleep. I got up and ate a cookie and watched some tv. Then at like 9 a.m. Tara and Melissa got up. Yeah well I'm too lazy to write anymore stuff about that day so deal with it. Today hasn't really been a good day. I woke up with a sore throat and my throat has been swelling up since. I was sick just two weeks ago and I thought it would be the last time till after my surgery. Well it wasn't and its really pissing me off. I have surgery this friday to get my tonsils out. I don't get to play sports for 14 days cuz it can cause bleeding. Well I have my basketball tournment tomorrow and its the last basketball games. So I really want to go play basketball but my mom said I can't if I'm running a fever. So I really hope I'm not running a fever tomorrow. I also want to play in my softball game on Wednesday cuz it will be the last softball game that I get to play in before my surgery and I won't get to play again for 14 days after my surgery. Well nobody is gonna read this and I don't really care cuz I am only writing for my own good. Alyssa

I get to stay the night at Tara’s house tomorrow. I had a softball game yesterday and I got pissed off cause they put me in right field. Then they put me in to pitch and I wasn’t ready at all. I did pretty well for not pitching for a long time. Then I ended up not pitching very good anymore and they took me out and put me in right field. It pissed me off again! Grrr…I hate when Lexi isn’t at our games. She’s our fucking coach! She should be at our games. After the game my mom and I stopped at the TNT Fireworks stand. We go there every year. They are really nice and you get discounts. Well we bought $68.00 of fireworks. I hope it will be a great 4th of July. Last year my brother almost blew my foot up…but he usually does that every year. I don’t think I’m going to call Josh. If he still wants to come back for my birthday he can. I don’t know what else to say. Laters! Alyssa

I don't think Brooke is my friend anymore because she isn't allowed to hang out with me or Tara anymore. Brooke told her mom that Tara and I left her at the party after she had been drinking. So her mom ended up calling the police on us! Her mom doesn't know my number (thank god) so the cops couldn't do anything. Brooke's mom isn't so mad at me but she is really mad at Tara. But we didn't even do anything. Brooke told us to leave her there so we did and she hadn't started drinking yet. I hung out with Cary, Tara, and Melissa last night in Pomona. I took Cary home and he was going to sneak out to come hang out with me even longer but his mum didn't go to bed for a long time. I think I am going to stay the night with Tara this weekend. If I do, I get to see Cary! Yay! Lol...well laters. Alyssa

I’ve been listening to some music that I haven’t listened to for along time. This one song brought back memories when Josh and I were together. It made me realize how much I miss him and how much I hate that I pretty much kicked him out of my life. I haven’t talked to him since March. If I do call him I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do anymore. I remember him telling me he is going to be back for my birthday but that was when we were dating. I really doubt he’s going to come see me.