i'm so depressed. i work 40 hours a week at a shit ass mall fast food joint, have hardly any social life, no girlfriend, and everyone i DO like DOESN'T like me...I'm screwed. I give up...

For me, its been a while since I could say, "I'm truly happy." Guess thats just the way things go for me. Always reaching out for the love of another and loving everyone; only to recieve a bitch slap from life as a thank you. Its funny how things work out and its definately ironic for the most part. I hate that everyone I care about doesn't seem to care about me at all (at least in that way). I try my hardest to work to make those I care about happy and am only rejected so that I may go cry in my pitiful little corner of the world and wish I was dead...I only have one question each and every night, "Why me?". I guess I'm not the only one, and to think so would be a selfish and unfair act, but I can't help but wonder if anyone will ever care about my feelings or at least pretend. I guess thats just me being stupid and conceited, but I just need a break. I need love.

I feel like shit for all my sins against the one I love. Why do I do these stupid things? At least I have her forgivness and that is more important to me than anything right now...I love her. What more can I say.

Ok, ok...prom wasn't THAT great, but after prom was the shit! I got OBLITERATED! I love alchohol! lol...I had a great time playing card games and hanging out with people. That was the great thing (the people). We had a great group of people for the night and even though I don't remember a lot of it, it was the best! *happy.....*

I'm really happy today for some odd reason....surprise, surprise. Everything is going great for me lately. I haven't had problems with people giving me bullshit today and I'm extremely happy with the relationship I'm in. I love this girl to death. *sigh* hope this lasts unlike everything else good that comes my way. Anywayz...I'm happy! BLARG!!!!

So sick of everyones bullshit, So sick I wish I could make slits, To take it all away, To relieve all my pain. I'm so sick of the way people are acting lately. Can't anyone just keep their fucking mouth shut anymore. It makes me fucking sick to hear so much highschool bullshit. Everyone is either better than everyone else or just fucking thinks someone else is making a bad choice for all the wrong reasons. Mind your own god damn business you fucking anal retentive douche bag mother fuckers! EEEERRRR!

Artificially intellegent, We all do and know only what we've been told. Kind of ironic when we all seek to be individuals isn't it? Just a thought...

I'm not really in the mood to write and yet I do it anyway. It helps me to release all my stress. I choose not to bear these burdens of mine. Though they are petty and meaningless I am not stable enough to deal with them properly. I must have and outlet other than razors zig-zagging across my skin and that is why I choose to releave my pains with key strokes. I write because I can't talk to people about all the crazy things that flow in and out of my head...I'd be locked up without a doubt. Maybe thats just what I need though...

Lately everythings going crazy. I like one girl and had a chance with her. I let my friend step in front of me though. I have my reasons. I've dated this girl before and I figured that since my friend hasn't and has liked her for about a year I'd give him a chance. I could have had her, but chose to do a good thing for my friend. I am also in love with one girl. The difference between these two situations is that I can't have the one I love, as irritating as it may be. I have loved this girl for a long time and we dated for about a month. We broke up because she couldn't see us as being anything more than friends at the moment. I completely respect that and we are still close friends. The thing is, as soon as I was about to start talking to the girl I like, the girl I love started flirting with me. I was confused to say the least. I don't think she meant anything by it, but regardless of either situation I'm stuck alone. Isn't that peachy?

Drift, drift, Drift away little butterfly. Fly on to the moon, Find a home in the stars. No one wants you here, Go where they don't care. Go where they don't see, Go deep inside to your inner peace. Comfort, floating spasm, Interspacial orgasm. On the astral plane, In a daze...vision is nothing but a haze.......

People I don't give a flying fuck about keep bringing their b/s to me! I have a new line for them. Live, learn, get Luvs, and don't piss yourself!

I feel like the world is caving in on me, Wanting all I can't have and having nothing. I feel like I'm being drained of all my patiece, Having everything kept just out of my reach. I feel like I'm being swallowedd by raging tides, Losing my breath from biting my tongue. And now I feel its time for resolution, Give me what I want or leave me alone. Just Leave me alone...

I'm seriously at a point in my life where I really don't care anymore. All that is around me seems to not matter (as if it ever did). Being stuck back at home isn't all that bad, but its not what I want and I tire of dealing with the endless strean of bullshit. I suppose maybe I'm being a little absurd when I have a roof over my head and not many worries, but for once I'd just like to have a place I could call my own without having to constantly worry about things. On a better note, I managed to date the girl I've been wanting to date for like two years now, but sadly, as all things go with me, it did not work out. After a month it was over (mutually). We were just too good of friends. Also, speaking of good things, I am not doing any drugs what-so-ever...I drink on occasion, but nothing heavy. I also quit smoking; that is, unless I'm stressed...lol. I'll be posting more poetry soon.

In shadows I'll lye, Waiting for the pain, In desperation I'll die, Going insane. This pain I feel contradicts my sight, I cannot see whats consumes me, It hides in my shadow away from my eyes, I can't escape this nightmarish dream. My eyes are grey with ignominy, My sight is flawed by the cloudy blood, My body decays in this mortuary, My spirit is crushed by the sun above. Death seems like an all too familiar road now, Always haunting my every waking vision, The madness season comes and goes like a cloud, Shall I die? There lyes my decision.....

This is it.....this is final for me...no more helping people without them knowing my new golden rule. I'm sick of helping people and them getting attached to me and wanting to date or worse. Therefore, from now on, I will help anyone who needs it and is willing to accept my help on one condition. Don't get attached unless I tell you I like you....I of course mean this with no offense to anyone I have helped in the past...I just feel a need for change.

I feel like I'm being stretched thin accross so many different people. Its as if my skin was made up of tiny threads and people are using them to mold them into what they want. It feels like I'm being psychologically beaten, raped, and left for dead. I don't know how long I can go on before I have to see blood.....

Individual individual liberties, The freedom to choose our fate, Choose whether to go or whether to stay, We are all locked into this pattern it seems. We are nothing and yet we are all, The many, the few, the fatal, the decaying, This is the way of the world, And the world will have its way. It doesn't matter if we stand in few or many, Fate has us all bound to this life, Or is it the end we seek for ourselves?, Maybe we're all wrong and it seeks us. Breathless lying awake, but wrapped into this dream, Our reality exists to destroy our very being, We are all our own worst enemy it seems, Hate, lust, pain, the very things we do to ourselves. How can we trust others to not cause us this anguish?, We, in this human condition, cannot even trust ourselves, The insanity pulls at us, tugging from below, pushing from within, In the end we will all breathe the dark breath and lead ourselves blindly to our own deaths.

(NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY; JUST PEOTRY) I die today just like every other day except on this day it is a physical death, Blood gushing from my wrists like two foul crimson fountains of putrid flesh. All my life is nothing but one crime after another in dispair, But why do I bother pondering all these things; its not as if you care. This is my eulogy; this is my life that has become my death; this is my love for hatred running free; this is the end of me....

I'm sorry I stayed gone for so damn long. I missed doing this. I moved back home and my parents rufuse to let me use this site because its part of the reason I got kicked out of my sisters house. Now I'm using a friends computer to keep it up! Yay! Go me! Anyways...I'm in an ok mood here lately...I hope to reconnect with some of my old friends on the site...I love you all...

I'm in a rut with all this tension doing me in. Digging my grave slow and steady it never stops pounding me with the headaches I suffer form because I care. Why must I care? I never used to be this way. Its like these feelings aren't even mine. At the same time I'm glad I care about the things around me, but its such a bother. My head hurts and I think I might want to just stop breathing. The oxygen sickens me.