Soup

Woot! i started a new online Journal today on a german site which still has a community.

Actually i'm not sure if i need a new community, niether will i give a fuck if it happens to be no member of it - as long as i can write in german sometimes.

I'll never be untrue to you dear sitd, i promise.

Gonna start sorting that alphabet soup today.

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Backflip
Listening to: nathaniel rateliff & the night sweats
Feeling: knackered

After i was totally apathic, on drugs, isolated and far from social competence i finally made a therapy when i was 18. The Therapy helped me over the 5 years i went through it and i finally started living....somehow.

Today i startet my second appointment on my new therapy - which i initially did for my wife, to reflect my behavior. It's the same therapist, so the opening is quite easy, she already knows my past and i think i can start now on working out to be a kid of alcoholics. With all the side effects that comes with that when you grow up in such an environment. I lie and its normal for me, i keep troubles inhouse and never let the curtain fall in public for problems which are haunting at home. I seem to get it.

Maybe it's that im not able to have a relationship due to this. Maybe i can fix myself. Whatever.

I don't do this for me, not for my wife either, but for my kids - they shall not live emotionally disguised.

There is one Picture i always loved from the catholics: the Pelican which feeds its breed with is own flesh. I always liked that and tried to sacrifice myself for others: my friends, my wife, my kids. Latter are the most important in this metaphore.  I don't know if i re-invent myself and probably it was all true, what i thought i'd be when i was younger. Maybe it's just that the role i'm playing since i was a kid implements to have a happy life, be a working man and have a house, family, car, tractor, barn and all that shit. It's all not important, for when i die i just want to leave my kids back as proper human beings, with their heads up high. My Dad always fed his own flesh to him.

I remember when i was a kid, i used to be at my Grandma's place every holidays, i stayed there then for 3 weeks or more, i loved her and she loved me. I always wondered, why she wasn't drinking, why there wasnt any beer or booze in the cellar or the fridge. No wine in the afternoon or empty booze flasks everywhere stashed in the barn as it was at my parents place. She told me once as i asked her:'because it's not necessary, i don't drink that stuff'. I didn't understand that. I just couldnt, because it was normal to me to have this around.

I always thought: grown ups just always drink that stuff, like i drink water or lemonade.

My Dad is now dead since 10 Years and i sometimes still find empty flasks at my mum's place, which were stashed by him. Then i sigh. I don't think often of him, but i always remember him, when i see an empty bottle of booze laying aomewhere. He decided for that, took my mum with into that, hell yes, she is still dying slowly through her throat, not able quit drinking - BECAUSE IT's NORMAL FOR HER.

Thing which hurts the most is, that in fact my childhood disappears and comes up as a cheat.

My Wife uses this often against me. When we're arguing the sentence 'i know where you come from' mostly silences me and throws me in a hole - just shortly i fall and feel my stomach turn - then i grab my dad while i fall and hold on his positive abilities and the hole is spitting me out again. I cannot fall through to the bottom and have a hard landing, because i dont want my good memories to be smashed in the dark and let them be shattered like eggshell - don't want to loose my heart. Fact seems to be: i have to realise what happened and accept that without having the fear to destroy my memories. I don't know if you know what i mean, do you?

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Campfire Communications
Listening to: Possessed by Paul James

I made a campfire in our garden yesterday and we sat and talked. Everytime i try to explain my feelings she doesn't understand. Apperently i dont understand hers neither. I don't know what will come out of this. At least we talked. Sex this morning was routine. Im close to the point to realise for myself that we're not loving each other anymore. This is quite hard and i feel like i totally messed it up - mostly for my young son. I cannot stand the thought only to see him some times a week, neither can i go work less and take him to me. If i leave i leave a family and not a woman. This is always displayed as something with a happy end in some hollywood flick, but it isn't. I carry more on my shoulders, then i can bare - since years only to make it right for the kids. I think im gonna chose this if she agrees, to carry on. I only need stamina for the kids - nothing else. I feel numb with her, i walk around, drive around looking for a shelter in strangers eyes and i dont think this is how it's supposed to be an a good relationship. Im not sure what is going on. But i like the songwriters lately - i can reflect myself, but not the way she want's me to. Since my teenager days it always was the same: when i was depressed or just lonely i wrote. I cannot mention often enough how happy i am to have this diary still.

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Entry List
apples
Headache
eightofnine
Soup
Backflip
Campfire Communications
Idle
Fallin into pieces
Frank's Good Bye
Everythings done so far.
Frank is dead
Heritage
Launch
Summer's almost gone
Swing it like Tiger woods
Repetative whore
Father's Day 2017
Growing eternity
Choppin Wood
getting up
Summer
11:34am
Was immer Du denkst...
Friends
Backwards
the need of a diary
been a while
regrets
start again
drive in hell
if i ever
gonna go out
The Old One
blank
für Kristina
Probezeit
Sick
the thing is
work it out!
Your eyes are momentary
Verfickte Scheisse.
she
i feel fine
Leer
What if?
Anger Management
yep
Special K
Femme fatale & the Devil
what the ... ?
Quiz!
Got the Blues
Dead Elvis & his one man grave
Beatman rocks
Jgermeister
Christmas
Autumn
i'll fly away
Happy NY
blank
Them Good Ol Boys
still alive
jedediah bells
Sssssssmokin'
July
April
still here
December already
Travellin'
Resume
still alive/s>
48hours
Blockade
going to prague...
Wotan
Jason lives ...
50 Days
headless
the fool
maturity
sharp honey
Satellite path
Blue Sunday
chinese homebrew
breath
coal clerk's
new boots
dear diary
dear diary II
some serious fun
Happy New Year!
rusty throats
snailwarrior
saturday in december
home of an evil spirit
Hmyes
Frohe Weihnachten!
Thin Ice
Snow!
The Sardonic Success
Afterglow
Waterhotspur
Sunday Morning
The Wings Of Mourning
Departure tendency (Cold...
Silk Views
Burning Moments (Angst)
Brand New
Wintersleep
Big City Collapse
Ceremony
Raven' s Claws (autumn...
Happy Thanksgiving
Sugarstorm
Sunk (Velcroideas)
Jim Morrison was wrong
Rusted
Cruel Sky
Herzfresser
26 scorpio is my...
Tempest (Raven's Claws)
Dust (Lizardskin Retina)
Saturday Mornings
Broken Light
Car Seat (God's...
To kiss you dead.
Rücksturz
Tara
Crimson Rivers
Nebula Dawn
Deflections
Excitement soon unfolds.
Cornermovers
Present
Mountaineer
Undreamt of
Opportunity spirits
The Smile of the Satyr, I,...
The Smile of the Satyr, II,...
The Smile of the Satyr, III,...
The Smile of the Satyr, IV,...
Snow Flake, Elf and Blooddrop
Hällöwien
Grizzly jagt Elf
The Papercup
the acres of love
Hunted by the Mob
Iron Horses
Die Essenz des Glücks /...
Cloudy Days
Three Seconds, end of view.
Two Seconds
One Second
Paper
coffee machine vs. one eyed...
At least they have a stoven
The Moloch
Driving Around
Feeling 'Caughed'
my heart is wrapped in clover
Soulfly
waitin for the sun
Screwed up Head
Combed
Gör Kömmändö Zork De...
Fairy Tale
Oh Bella!
VoodooDoll
The sweetest thing
Pieces of Broken Glass
Knife Sharpened
Some Fishes to Sell
Salad to Sacrifice
Fear
Earsplittenloudenboomer
Verlust
Autumn
Transmetropolitan
Slugs on a Razor
Sharpness
Eggshellopener v.1.2
feeling cold
Addicted
Jumpin' Beer Flash!
One Hour Madness
Golden Brown
A Wop Bop A Loo Bop a Lop Bam...
Hybrid Moments
Ring Damn Phone, Ring
The Girl from the Drugstore
The Pizza Massacre
to start a roll
192 post(s)