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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

Love,

 

Scott

 

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Recent Posts

 
Oh Wolfy! (26)
Well my neck is strained due to i slept in our little ones room this night.
He has an unexplainable fear of Werewolves since some days. We already made a Werewolf Stop Sign which we posted on his door and also a very bright flashlight for him. I Also had one magic moon stone left which i gave to him, but all didn't work so i slept on a thin blanket on his floor to protect him. Poor me, i get old.
Poor him he has the fear of werewolves.
Gonna built some Werewolf traps on the weekend ;-)

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Apples Nearest the Tree (2)
I have officially purchased my ticket to Chicago. 
One of my thematic life problems is I always second guess everything. Today I got a little hint as to why. I tell my dad that I'm going to get the ticket. Keep in mind a few weeks ago he was helping me look for one at a good price and said he might use his time share deal to get us a hotel. Then today he says "Are you sure you want to do this without a back up?" and "Are you sure he can't just come here?"
A back up? What kind of back up? how exactly does he think I'm going to "hedge my bet" on going to visit this guy? Why is he trying to cast doubt!? It's just his nature and he's where I got it from. And why on earth would he or I want him to come here!? I live in a town notorious for having nothing interesting to do. Why would he spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to come to the town he hated so much he moved? Why would we do this especially when for the same price we can go somewhere interesting, do fun things, and have a holiday weekend?! True, if he came here it would save us money since we wouldn't need a hotel.... but then we'd be in my studio apartment in the ghetto... WHY?! 
Additionally this is our reuniting trip. We want to have fun and just enjoy ourselves on our own. If he came here- my parents would want us to spend time with them.... not that I'm against that in theory but... I haven't seen the dude in approaching a year, I don't want to SHARE him!  His family wants me to go there to his town and we don't want to for the same reason AND he doesn't have his house yet so he's staying with his aunt and uncle who are very conservative so he would have to sleep on the COUCH and I'd sleep in his bed  alone..... not really what I had in mind lol. 
 
We're going to have so much fun. This kind of trip is why I like this guy in the first place- he does things, he plans things, he takes initiative, he consults with me. He wants to do things.  
I'm nervous, excieted, anxious.... something tends to go wrong so... but this is going to just all go right.

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5/ Insanity (5)
I wrote this a while ago and forgot to actually post it so here we go... probably because i didnt end up finishing. i never do though.
 
I will never learn.
 
I am insane. Knowing doesn't help. I don't know what it is. I can't turn it off. I hate myself for it. Even when I pull away its like a magnet. I get pulled back. With hardly any effort on his part. I love him. And he's so convincing when he tells me he loves me. Its not real. I KNOW that. But I can't stop myself. 
 
I don't know how to explain the last few days. I've been in denial since I decided to come back to California. Maybe it wasnt so much denial though. I told Patrick tonight that it felt like I was possessed in Wisconsin. Somethings, some force, but not myself got me here somehow. Because if it were up to me I would be in wisconsin still. As crazy as that sounds. Because I wouldnt have been able to do it myself. I believe in God and so I believe it was Him who got me here I guess but even if i didnt. It wasnt me. And I wouldn't know what but its undeniable.
 
And especially right now I dont want to give credit to God. I'm angry at him. I believe in him. I belive what I believe but I'm angry and I know it doesnt mean anything. I'm angry that it feels like it doesnt mean anything. And all those athiest out there shaking their heads. I have seen him in my life. I know what i know. I mean as stupid as is stounds to atheists that I do belive in God, I think its just as crazy that they dont.. but not even that... i can table the idea of God for a second.. do they just think we are alone? What about aliens? out of all the galaxies and universes and craziness we dont knwo about... i hope that for every person that doesnt believe in God, I hope they at least believe in aliens. I mean I dont know if I believe in aliens but i think I'm closer to believing in them than not. this entry took a weird turn.
 
I deleted 360. Its this app that tracks your location. Max had it on his phone from a long time ago and on new years he told me to download it and i could see where he is. i was worried. I said it was fine but i was also curious and it helped.. it shouldnt come to that. needing assurance. People's words should mean something and his never did. And he was always good at finding loopholes and being sneaky anyways. So all these apps and assurance were just silly delusions. I miss being stupid. Not knowing what a liar he was. I miss him.He lies about such stupid stuff sometimes. Its like he has to reach a quota per day. Its like he has a lying fetish. BUt i deleted it. I was driving myswlf crazy.
 
He does this lovely thing where he ignores me for random amounts of time. the other day it was 5 hours because I said "if you liked me you'd play games with me" I said this in a playful way because i asked him what he was doing and i already knew the answer. he is always on his phone. playing games. and he got upset about it. he said "mean" I said "why? You play a lot of games" and i just wanted to spend time with him and he said "ok. sorry" and then ignored me for 5 hours. Later he said sorry and that he ignored me because he said he was angry and he didnt want to be a dick to me. I asked why he got angry though. I just wanted to play games with him. And he said he cant control what will anger him. Just that he got angry and didnt want to take it out on me. 
 
Usually when he gets angry... even if the outcome is him raging and lashing out at me in an over the top disproportionate way.. at least i can somewhat pinpoint the trigger. maybe something i said. Maybe i said a rude comment. Maybe it was even on purpose. But it doesnt warrant a response like that. a mean comment said usually because he was being mean in the first place doesnt make it ok to ignore someone 15 or more hours. But that's what happens. 
 
But these "mantrums" (man tantrums as I just now decided to call them) are getting crazier and less and less predictable. Not that they ever were best described as predictable. Nothing he does is. The only thing predictable about him is how unpredictable he is. Monday and tuesday night we video chatted on facebook while we slept. We used to do it a lot. Ive done it with brandon because he's my best friend and we both have anxiety and it helps us sleep. And i just miss max and he said we could. I wasnt goign to make a regular thing out of it. I knew once i move to my uncles that i wouldnt be able to talk as much. And i probably shouldnt because of how emotional it can make me. So i wanted to spend a lot of time with him. He was being so sweet. And cutesy. Taking pictures and joking with me. Flirting with me. Its crazy how awful things can get, how much trauma there has been, but how easily we can fall back into us. He's home. Anyways around 5am the call dropped and without me asking he said he would call me back. around 7am it dropped again but he was sleeping so i just went to sleep. when i woke up i asked if he was up but no response. I've been sick so i ended up falling back asleep. we played tag a couple times. he would wake up and say soemthing short. then i would. the last thing he said was "did you move today yet?" at 3pm on wednesday. And I responded but he never looked. 360 shows when you charge your phone. wednesday night he charged his phone. idk if he forgot it showed that or just doesnt care. But i knew then that he was seeing my messages and pretty blatantly ignoring me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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2018 (36)
Happy New Year evry'one. I guess nothing changed.

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Untitled (46)
He asked me how I feel about a long distance relationship like officially. I told him I never wanted to be in one because it just seems needlessly difficult and painful.... but that also the only person I want to be in a relationship with is him and he’s far away so... maybe we should give it a try. I told him the notion terrifies me because if it goes well it can’t stay long distance and I now he’s not moving back here so it would have to be me to go where he is... 
My family was mostly supportive except my step brother. He actually found a moment to tell me that everyone else will tell me it’s a great idea but it’s not it makes everything harder. I will be honest that shook me a little just because he tends to stay out of things and not offer an opinion. When I think about it yeah it’s harder than if he were here but I’d rather hard than nothing, right!?
And yeah would I prefer him closer- yes obviously... but I had missed just talking with this man and I know we won’t be apart forever, you know? We had a video call this morning I had actually accidentally called him. After we hung up he texted “you look really cute this morning btw” I literally hadn’t even washed my face yet, no makeup unbrushed hair, PJs... and he says I’m cute. 
I sent him a cake for his birthday and he took it with him to the restaurant with his family which just made me super happy actually. He sent me pictures they were great- he doesn’t like taking pictures of himself and even less with big smiles but I just love seeing him smile it’s seriously the cutest.

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At the End Of Twentyseventeen (31)
2017 is now going to end in a few days and i won't have the opportunity to write the next days so i finish my emotional year off now.
I gained a lot of maturity this year. I nearly messed it up totally and hope it will stay 'good' and 'quiet' about all these undiscovered mistakes i've made.
I also realised, that i was a total asshole to my wife.
I realised that i am a good father, better then my dad was.
I know that i'm not that lowlife he always wanted to make me believe i would be.
I know that my sister is wrong in her behavior and that she should show interest in my sons, if not in my life.
I know that my mother is going on her alcohol path until the end and i dont have any regrets sitting on the bench on side of this path and just watch her passing by.
I know that I can become a better husband, father, man and human.
I know iam loved and I know that even though my past is rugged and was sometimes hell i still can built myself heaven here - and for my family.
That's so far.
Another Thing: when i was a kid i dreamed of being a trapper in the Canadian Wilderness. I wanted to run away from home, steal my neighbors UNIMOG (like an Expedition Vehicle) and make my way over the Bering Passage to Canada to built my Log Home on the Lake. All maps were copied in the library already, the backpack was ready and i even packed in an extra pair of wool socks. I was 11 back then and serious.
My Boss gifted my for my 10th Company Anniversary a Trip to Canada.
I Think sometimes dreams just come along your way.
Oh. I'm still grateful, that sitd is up and running. I would like to support this in some way, so if i can, -scott let me know. Be well and have a nice NY eve everyone.

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4/ Inventory (102)
On  Saturday  I move into my uncle and aunts house. I'm at mymoms right now. Its been okay. NOt terrible but I just cant be here indefinitely. We havent had any horrible fights but she just gets undermy skin sometimes. BUt right now she is being nice. She's making me soup. i dont feel good.. 
 
I had a nice Christmas with family. I'm glad I didnt wait longer or try one more time. I mean. It wasnt up to me anyways. He said "Iwould have begged you to stay". Instead of saying goodbye to me in person he decided it was more important to drink. Yeah. So I guess he relapsed like a week after we broke up. Around Dec 7thish. When I had that medical scare and they thought I might have had a stroke or something. Which it turned out to not be a new bleed but a "old bleed" which was explained as "something I've had since birth"... "probably". I love when medical professionals use that word, don't you? Anyways,  i told him about it and begged him to call me because I was scared. And he didnt. instead.. he used it as an excuse to relapse. That's all that was. He loves being depressed and having things fall apart and not work out and everything being "too hard" so he can sit around and tell himself "i tried" and "what did they expect". And he was trying for a lot of it.. but when I look back I really wonder if he was actually completely sober the whole time. Now that I'm coming out of the fog it gets harder to beleive he was. But then I feel so cynical and paranoid and harsh and think maybe he was.. its crazymaking. 
 
I would skip this rambling nonsense....
For example... after he got out of treatment.. he got out a day before graduating. long story but he was supposed to pick me up from the airport and he told me the treatment center said it was fine. but really.. im sure he just never asked. Anywyas. So when he did ask they basically said no. And he already told me he would pick me up from the airport and he didnt have a way to contact me to change plans because his phone didnt have service or maybe i had his phone. yeah i think i had it because well thats another long story. It was this huge thing. The entire day was insane. for half the day i thought my car was stolen because i didnt know if he was in treatment or not. but my car wasnt in the lot... oh and also... the day i took him to treatment, we stopped at a gas station. And he tells me to give him $40 of the $100 he just gave me to pay me back and he will go in and pay. he comes out with a beer... I said "um wtf max, you asked me to take you to treatment and youre fucking buying a beer right now??" So i took it away like he was a tiny child and he didnt even fight it.. he was so gone. and idk WHY I didnt just throw it away. i ask myself all the time but i put it in the trunk of my car. Maybe i thought he would be mad at me or something Idk. I cant tell you. it was just a crazy day really. and wwhen things are crazy sometimes i dont make the most sense. He was high on a lot of stuff so he couldnt even get in and out of the car. so i helped him into the car as people watched. it was really embarrassing. And checked his pockets. I found a bag of blue pills. I threw that away immediately. Then i went to fill up. But nothing was happening. I told him it wasnt working... and he starts blaming the cashier for stealing. I said 'no. where is the change?' he said there was no change "she took the $20" I said "no... I gave you $40". So I go inside and he is accusing the lady of stealing. I said sorry for him and i try to figure it out but someone in that fucking station was lying to me and I couldnt prove it was the cashier and I didnt want to argue with max. imean she did seem kinda sketchy but out of the 2 only one has lied to me before so I paid her $20 to fill up. I fill up and we leave. So, that said, when he got out of treatment that day to pick me up he went to the place my car was parked and was going to pick me up the next day. he had a whole day maybe a day and a half after getting out of treatment. When he picked me up there was a bag of trash on the floor. I looked in and there was the smashed beer can. I asked him about it and he said that when he saw it in the ttrunk it ws too tempting and he wanted to drink it so he chucked it on the street instead. i bought it at the time but its complete bullshit. but whatever right.
 
Another thing though.. after he got out we didnt really have anywhwere to go. so we went up to his family's house in hayward. no one uses it most of the year, its just for like vacationing. so we ended up staying there for about 3 months. well from time to time i would smell weed. and he would smell it too and comment on it. probably before i even did. He would be standing in the kitchen and be like "do you smell that?" yeah.. and he'd say "i wonder if i left weed up here.. i cant find it though"... he'd start standing on chairs and looking in cabinets, etc and say "but if i do I'll let you know. maybe its alicias" his sister. And then one day im cleaning, after he had just cleaned the counter and i just wiped it down one more time and there it is behind the cookie jar in the corner of the counter. And I said.. is this yours? He said no he doesnt put weed in bags like that, "it mustve been alicias". And i said ok but you didnt see it?? Youve cleaned the counter a lot.. he said no he didnt see it. But i dont know. thats the perfect cover. to say he smells it. to be the first one to smell it. and act like he doesnt know where its from. so if i smell it i dont think he knows. and idk. it doesnt matter. Just little things like that.. alll the time. 
 
Its just sad. I just want him to be content. Not have to do what he does. I love him. I wish I could fix him but even from the beginning I always knew that wasnt my place to do that. He has to want to. He has to do the work. And I think soemtimes he was. But not nearly as mcuh as I thoguth he was. He couldnt stop lying. He even lied about smoking cigerettes, right to my face. So why wouldnt he lie about worse. I told him I didnt care if he smoked anymore, as long as he didnt lie about it. Sometimes I think he just likes lying.
 
I just feel stupid. I have had a broken heart before. And you always get that feeling of "i wish we never met" but i always end up getting over that and being happy for my experiences with that person. Because its usually mutual or i understand or eventually i realized we werent meant to be. But i really do wish we never met. Because I cant shake the feeling that he is the "one". he is mine. Im his. And its hard to have that feeling when I cannot be with an addict. At least i cant be with a liar. I could have handled the relapses. I know that sounds crazy but I knew they would happen at least for the first year and up to 4. I mean I prepared myself mentally for the relapses. Its everything else I didnt preapre for.   I wasnt prepared for the lies to continue. He always blamed his lying on the drugs and alcohol. So either he was still doing it all and never stopped thus never being able to stop lying or he lied about lying and was just a lying liar. Either way sucks. if that even made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.
 
I miss him constantly. Even though the end months were horrible. I've never been treated so poorly in my life by anyone and I know I wont be ever again because I cannot imagine someone being that way to anyone. I dont know why he is so convincing when he says he loves me and wants me after all these awful situations. 
 
i feel like an addict.
 
they say take a girl on an exciting date because then she will associate those exciting feelings with you. They also say that excitement and stress trigger the same feelings. SO being with an addict is stressful... but thats a close feeling to excitement. so then my braind associates being with him as being exciting - good or bad still exciting and i think the body cant tell which is which. maybe. idk really and Im too lazy to go google it for 5 hours right now. becauser thats exactly what i would do. spend 5 hours researching exactly that and it doesnt even really matter.
 
 
New Years is coming up. 
 
 
 
----------------------------------------
 
 
so.. happy new year sit diary. 
 
I need to stop starting entries if I cannot commit to finishing them in one go. I started this one on the 28th. Its Jan 1st. And. My new years was uneventful. the last 3 - 4 days I have had an awful cold.
 
I walked into the kitchen the other day to get the juice my mom got me and i almost fainted again. i grabbed the table for support and she's just sitting there just talking away like she doesnt even see me. And everything is turning gray just loke it did when i fainted at the motel. And it scared me. I was determined not to faint and start shouting at her to stop. stop what idk. Just stop. Talking. moving. whatever she was doing was not ok at the time and making it worse. And i finally am seeing colors again enough to move from the table to start walking back to my room but i make it to the hall and slide down the wall and have a meltdown. And she comes over and tells me she read that she knows that i dont want to be touched but that its what is good for me and is it ok if she hugs me. and the thing about that is.. she is absolutely right. I do not want to be touched. by anyone when that happens. Except max. before it was tim. Idk if its a signifigant other thing or a personality thing. idk. but thats all. and really i wouldnt want tim to even if he wanted to. so really its max. ANd the other thing about hugging.. its just fine. i actually like hugs in the right situation.  but there is just something about my mom. and i mean i feel kinda of bad about this, and i dont know why, but hugging her is extremely stressful for me. so i resisted. but she's her. and it was awful as expected. but i was trying. and it eventually ended and her roommate heard and I was embarrassed. I dont like having meltdowns. what autistic person does.. but. I really dont like having them in front of people. Especially when one is my mother. All week I've missed max. I didnt think i could miss him more until then.
 
We have been talking since New years Eve. We arent together. But. I wish we could be. I cant be with him when he's at scotts. When he says with his mouth that I'm right and he shouldnt be there but he wont go anywhere else. He says its his only option. He relapsed. He could.. and should go back to treatment. I used to say go with family but I really think he needs more inpatient treatment. There's pepole in there for several months when they just do 1 thing. Yeah his drug of choice was meth. but he did pretty much everything apparently. yeah, i didnt know until later. i dont like looking at statistics. i dont like being realistic about what might happen. Because it cant. i know people would think im psychotic for talkign to him after everything. But when I dont its just a count down until I can. Even at my best during those times.. idk I've even been happy. But then we talk and it feels like I had been trying to breathe under a mountain of football players and didnt know it. Idk. something changed. or Maybe when I started going to alanon its not that something changed in him but I could see his intentions more clearly. I hope thats not it. im not sure whats worse though. If he was never that serious about it, that sucks because him saying he hit rovk bottom was just a lie but its hopeful in a way that.. he still has the potential to hit hisrock bottom. Im scared of what that would take for him though. If april wasnt it. On the other hand, if something just changed... i think thats worse. how many rock bottoms does it take? and if you can hit rock bottom and keep going back.. i mean he didnt do meth. his relapse was with weed and alcohol but he agreed that if he stayed there it might happen. 
 
I just dont get how the whole "say no to drugs" talk didn't take for some people. I mean I made fun of it in my head during. But apparently it made a subconcious impact. Although I was never actually offered anything. In fact someone told me they wouldnt give me drugs because they were "afraid what might happen"... people seemed to always assume I was either high or drunk anyways. I snack like I always got the munchies, I'm just a little too clumbsy, random by default, and idk.. I think the last few years that's changed somewhat though.. sometimes I wonder if people think I am an addict/alcoholic by association. Not people at AA. They seem to know the difference. Its not that hard really. But like law enforcement and professionals. the people at the treatment center. idk.
 
I'm about to contradict myself because i just said I don't get it. but that isnt true. i get it. everyone is an addict. i mean it isnt a complete contradiction because i get addiction but i dont get addiction to drugs. I feel I'm addicted to max. I know I am in love with him. But there's also something else. I have a really addictive personality. Everyone does to an extent. Even if your addiction is laying on your ass doing absolutely nothing. 
 
Doing sitD right in the new year. just like the good ol' days. Rambling incoherent nonsense as far as the eye can seeeee. 
 
Don't worry.. I'm done talking about max for now. 
 
I haven't done pretty much anything since being back. I;ve been sick but so what.
 
Although yesterday I decided to do some challenges. 100 days of squats, 100 days of push ups, 100 days of learning Nuvole Bianche on guitar, 100 days of using charcol with my toothpaste. 
 
I started the squats and guitar yesterday. I want to squat 100 pounds. which isnt much but i can barely do an air squat. I want a big butt. God didn't give me much to work with but that. Imean I like my hair. But after the last 2 years I'm pretty sure I'll be completely gray this time next year.
 
I read that squatting can actually make you shorter. Which. Is not ok for a person like me. I'm 5 3/4". So I need to start doing yoga again. 
 
Nuvole Bianche is so beautiful. Sometimes I listen to it on repeat while I study. Speaking of that.. i should register for classes. I failed 2 of 3 last semester. uhg. I got an A in the 3rd one but it was easy.
 
Oh. Right. I move into my uncle and aunts house today. I'm nervous about it but excitedish. I hope kodi behaves. He's been a nightmare here sometimes. But maybe because of all the change. And I have been sick so I havent been able to do things with him as much. i think their backyard is more grass so he wont do what he does here and just roll in the dirt nonstop. every time i go out there he is literally just rolling around like he knows how white he is and how fun it is to brush him after he does these things.
 
I have a weird feeling. I can't figure it out. I keep wanting to write about it but it isnt translating into words. Maybe in a few days I'll know what it was about.
 

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1437 (71)
Well, I got the essentials once the stores opened again after Christmas.
Chocolate licorice, bread and lightbulbs. 
Everything is hunky dory now. 
Liquid sugar would just top it all off!  Shoulda got some of that.
 
I ran across a YouTube video of how to wrap a cat for Christmas yesterday. :D
It was awesome and I wish someone would get me one of those for Christmas.
 
My car engine light turned on two days before Christmas vacation.  
Great, just great.  And my mechanic happens to be in Japan right now. 
So I had it diagnosed at a nearby shop to my work.  Said it needed a new PVC valve. Said the pressure was prolly going to blow seals and stuff.  If you opened anything, said liquid would come bursting out. Said they wouldn't get the part until the next day.  Said it would cost $500 for parts and labor.  My first repair I'd need since buying the car.  Not so bad, I suppose.  It was either hope I make it home for the holidays or just get it done and over with now. 
So I surrendered the car a second day in a row and walked to work.  This would prolly be a good time to have an actual coat to my name. 
But Mark at Tunex fixed it.  Called and said it was ready.  With my luck, I was waiting for him to call and say he fixed that problem but another one came up.  But he didn't. 
So I got my car just in time to travel for the holidays. 
But there went my holiday bonus check this year.... 
 
I had Dal for Christmas so I gave his son a remote control BB8 and a raincoat.  He has the best reactions.  "Oh my gosh!  I can't believe this is happening to me!"  I got his daughter a rain coat, a doll and doll accessories.  All approved by my sister in law.  I got my sis in law a necklace.  She broke the chain, but it was only one dollar.  I made my bro a US flag out of shotgun shells and Dad put a homemade wood frame around it.  I'm really quite proud of that master piece.  I hope he likes it.  Goes with the shotgun wreath I made him earlier this year too.  I didn't get them much cuz I'm paying for their plane tix to their cruise this next spring. 
 
I got my little car stuck in the driveway/hill in attempting to leave my sisters house after Christmas Eve snow storm. 
The neighbors juss happened to be leaving in their truck at that time and pulled me out onto the road.
 
My sister got me a cool air purifier lamp thing, some natural allergy helping drops stuff (she's into all things natural nowadays), some Hawaii vacation reminders (doll and seashell candle), a Fiiz drink gift card and a new phone.  She told me some of my gifts would be weird.  When she said that I totally forgot I asked for phone, let alone thought I'd get one.  So that was the real surprise.  
My mom put a picture book/scrapbook (Shutterfly book) together of all my 2016 vacations.  I had to think about all of them and if they were all really in one year.  Apparently I did all that in one year.  She gave me the porcelain bowl I painted and she had fired up and all purty. And she gave me some more pepper spray (since she ratted me out to the Canadians at the border). 
I think I like the phone and the vacation book the best this year.  
More enabling so I can go on more vacations, take more/better pictures, and scrapbook em! 
 
So I got a new phone for Christmas.  Well, new for me.
Anything at this point would be new for me. I've had this Moto X for like 6-7 years now I think. 
I've had four phones since 2006.  The flip phone, my first at age 18. Then my first non-flip phone, which was tiny in comparsion to todays phones, ya know back when we thought we were all upgrading from those big bulky telephone shaped phones.  Then my HTC Incredible I had for prolly for more than my two year contract, in which I still have to play solitare on all day on crawling days like this.  Then my Moto X which I definitely had for more than my two year contract. And the phones are getting bigger again. 
Had to get a new sim card that would fit. I could order it, but the store would be faster. The store said they'd charge to activate, but gave the sim card for free.  I said I'd activate it myself online. They said I can't activate online.  Got to work today and followed the instructions on transferring phones on an existing line, went thru the process. The phone was compatiable, the sim card was fine, transferred my stuff from one phone to the other via the transfer app, and wal-la.  New phone activated.  Did it all by myself online without paying for it.  *mike drop*
I can follow instructions...mostly.  I can do what my computer and phones tell me to.  I can be somewhat tech savvy when needed.  It only took two days to figure out what I needed, find the instructions and to follow the process.  
This phone is huge, bright, and FAST.  The 10mp camera is much better.  And I finally got my 32gb storage.  They said my Moto X had 32, it only had 16gb.  Much more room, as I have turned my phone into a camera for all my vacations and need more room for such junk and now it's all better quality. And I bet this phone can hold a charge for a bit longer than my other phone. And I'm sure the battery won't wig out on this one when I use GPS or something like my old phone did.  And I can take the battery out of this phone if needed. 
My standards for a new phone weren't that high. 
But I'll miss my phone telling me when I have a text waiting for me to answer by flashing the text message symbol at me and I'll miss the fact that I could move my phone a bit and it would show me the time without having to open a screen or unlocking it or whatever.  So convenient.  I'll miss so many texts now after ignoring or missing the one ding/noise it gives me when it comes in and I'll never know what time it is in the dark without disturbing everyone anymore. 
Went to get a case for the phone and the guy only had pink cases left for my kind of phone.  How convenient.  I like  love pink.  But I'm okay not getting -everything- pink.  I'm willing to branch out if there's options. 
 
On another note, so many emotions the past week.  It's making me all.... weird.  I can't control it for the life of me.  It irks me.  I thought it was just my period.  Then I thought it was the stress of my car needing a $500 repair just before Christmas holiday.  Then I thought it was just the holiday spirit getting to me.  Then I thought it was the anxiety of letting go of my old phone and figgering out my new one. 
So many changes, so many decisions to make, so much stress.  But none of it was really that bad, so why doesn't my mind and body figure that out already.  Get a grip!  Calm down.  This year, this month, this last week, hasn't been that bad!  It was a great year with one vacation and a few financial hiccups is all! 
 
 

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Untitled (20)
 
So remember we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

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[140] Hello, It's Me (57)
So
 
 
This semester is almost done. I'm two finals away from it being over. I just want it to end so I can get a good mental rest because it's been pretty taxing. Also stupid anxiety has been surfacing again. I'm tired of it - it in itself is a huge drain on my mental health. I've decided after the holidays pass to go to a doctor and see about getting some help. I'm just so tired of fighting it on my own. I've been trying for over 10 years and it's just too much. I'm much better in some ways but still not where I need to be mentally. Even though my life is pretty good these stupid voices in my head won't leave me alone.
I'm also sick so that isn't helping. I caught a cold after Disney World (yeah I went there with family / fiance) and it was getting better ... until it got worse. Apparently it turned into an infection. I'm on antibiotics now. I'm sure most people with anxiety will tell you that when you're sick it just gets worse. Something about your body focusing on healing so your mental defenses are down? Idk. But it's happening.
I'm just happy I get to see my Internet friends in 2 weeks. I just hate that I've gained back some of the weight I lost. I was doing so well ugh.
I just need to do better. And I can do better.
I'm just so tired.

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1435 (60)
I've never experienced a hangover before.
But I imagine it's a lot like waking up to my roommate.  
Too bright, too loud, too happy. 
I'm not a morning person. 
I swear she waits in bed until the precise moment she knows I'm out of bed and follows me around, just to torture me. I can't have a moment alone, to wake up, to adjust.  At least children are somewhat cute when they pester you at all hours.  This grown woman is not that cute. 
I just want to smash my finger against her lips and say "sshhhh" while squinting my eyes. 
There is no need to talk that loud so early in the morning...or afternoon, whenever I get out of bed. 
She giggles at everything (in which things I do not see any humor in), esp my reactions or lack thereof to her 'oh so exciting' stories she tells.
I have not ever responded or contributed to the convo she carries on in the morning.  I'm pritti sure I've never really acknowledged her existence in the mornings.   But she just doesn't get it.
I generally tune her out when she goes on and on and on.  But in the morning I suppose I'm more blatant about the fact I don't care.  And she might actually notice.  And it might offend her. 
_______________________________________________
"Life (dating) is hard;
it's harder if you're stupid." 
-John Wayne 
 

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3/ Anger (90)
Its been a hell of a week.
 
Actually its been a hell of the last 2 days. But the week prior was great. wonderful even. I had tiny setbacks and felt little pains of sadness and doubt and hurt but not like usual in this situation.
 
I dont know where to start or what to say.
 
Max and I broke up on dec 1st. It feels like longer. It hasnt even been 2 weeks. Ive been doing really good. Not just saying it. I've been going to alanon meetings every day. and keeping in contact with people. and I've even been happy about it. 
 
he keeps doing this to me. Kicking me out. Or leaving. And it was one thing before but now its winter. In wisconsin. I spent Thanksgiving without him when I could have been with my own family. He promised this wouldnt happen for Chrtstmas. 
 
schoool. alanon. max. friends. living. andrew. airbnb
 
-------------------------------------------- ----------- -----------
 
I started writing this entry weeks ago.. i didnt even finish.. at the end i wrote things i was going to write about and never got to them.
 
I guess its fitting that I never finished it. Because I've had a hard time getting past my anger lately. Its not like I expected myself not to be angry. But I've been dealing with it in a mostly non psychotic way until I started this entry.. and ever since.. I've just sort of lost it.
 
So much has happened since I first started this entry. This last month has been so crazy.
 
I pushed him away with anger. And people "don't blame me" because of "all the trauma" I've endured. And "of course" you're angry. But this last week I've just said evil things. I have been mad before, I've been really mean before.. not like this. And I mean he's said evil things to me. Done evil things. Been generally evil. The fact that he has him amazingly sweet moments only makes his overall evilness that much more evil. And I say evil and not mean because its on another level than meanness. And I got to that level this week. 
 
I moved back to california. I am so tired. I'll probably add to this later.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Sometimes (48)
Sometimes i just idle here because it feels like a home.

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Collapsing Rueckwaerts (37)
We had our Christmas Party of the Fire Depatment on Saturday, with family.
Now there came this one Woman in to bring her son to the party. It was one of the women i wrote (!) with and my wife totally flipped out.
Now there is war and silence again. She asks me to quit the fire department so i wont have anything in common with that woman anymore. Crazy right?
I feel like someone pulled out my guts.

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Untitled (114)
I feel like I scared you away. I just want to know that your okay

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Pressure (91)
I am 33. I am single. 
These are two innocuous facts, right? Just data. Just information. But almost every day something happens, someone says something, that reminds me: Your single and your eggs are getting old you're going to die childless and alone. 
People like to say "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" um... based on what?! Based on all the relationships in existence currently occured at the most ideral appropriate time and the moste ideal approprate way? Because noone  has ever died alone and childless before who wanted a family? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sometimes it doesn't  happen. Sometimes you die  alone. Sometimes your reproductive organs age beyond the point of fertility. These things do  happen. Will it happen to me? Yet to be determined, but don't be an idiot. 
This is a complete shock in my mind because I've always been, up to a few years ago. very firmly of the school that I don't need a man, I don't want children, relationships are nice but not necissary, I'm independent and complete. 
It's a huge shift, in my actual feeling. There's not a lot changed about the rest of my personality which is problematic. It's problematic because when I say to someone that I am bummed because the guy I have been most interested in has moved out of state when I feel like my career is getting started, they all look at me confused. There's no other option in the other womens mind to just follow the man- go where he goes. What's complicated, Meg, just quit your job and move to Bumfuck, Indiana.
Nevermind that I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Nevermind that bailing on my career could cause irreprible career damage... 
I want to go visit him, I do, I miss him. But... if I go I will want to stay... I will picture all the ways I could make that my home... 
But will that be living my life or ... just following a man.... but what if just following a man is what will make me happiest... 
I suck at making the big  decisions.  

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Everythings better with Batman (38)
The Weekend was great. Kristina and I had a good conversation about our meeting and how we feel. We both declared freely, what we are doing wrong in life and how to become better, become more concious.
We had duty on the voluntary fire brigade and greased all hydrants before winter in our village. That was quite a shitty job but has to be done. Im proud of being there now, even though it's only since June. If i can help somebody at one day it will be worth all the work.
Our little one had his girlfriend over for a nitghtover (they are both 4) and we went to the cinema, watched the ne Paddington Movie and they had a little slumber party later on - Kristina and i were happy, when the two finally slept, but it was nice - also the breakfast was nice with two small kids.
We had snow on the weekend and i built a snowman with him and we had a snowballfight in that garden. I was kinda sad when he left with his pal from next door to go sled in their garden. But anyway im proud that he is getting older and turning out so well. As i was always on my own i obviously try to hatch on him and never let him alone, which isnt good either, but i can't help it. Im going to find the right dose for that in the future i hope.
I used the time to let Kristina her romantic movies on tv and i was working on my tractor in the barn. I need a special tool to disassemble the gearbox, so i have to be patient and wait for that bargain on ebay.
Later on in the evening, the little one came down after bedtime with the words 'Noone tells better Batman Stories then Dad' And he wanted me to cook a Batman Story for him. Yes, cook. Thing is: We have one of those cookie forms as a Batman Logo and i make him sandwiches in Batman shape, with a fried egg, some tomatoes or fruit and tell him a story whats this plate is about. He loves that and i like it too.
Today on work i feel lousy as usual, i don't have the right power and swing to be effective. Due to i'm in a leading position, i only have to delegate and thats not really satisfiying for me. I need something tangible on work. We will see how that goes in a few weeks. Even though i earn quite good, we still have money issues and usually on the 6th or 7tzh of the month, there is no more money on a + state on our account. This is eating me up, but it works somehow so i dont change it. Kristina is doing most of the money stuff and i let her because i dont want to have fights about this. Sounds stupid and yes: it is.
Out eledest son just got his drivers license and you can see him grow up day by day. He is now (17) a puberty volcano and his hobbies are gym and chilling... thats really not my thing but i try and let him do what he likes to. I kick his ass sometime when hes not doing his chores, but i think thats normal in that age. He is a bit late with rebelling, i did that with 14, but those were other times and other parents. Anyway: i think he lives good and will make his way.
In the last weeks i learned to love Kristina again more and more. I don't understand, how i could be so dumb and selfish and just cock-driven half a year ago. I guess it was that 'this year you are turning 40' thing which is totally silly and stereotype but happened to me. Oh my. I was a dumbass.
I googled AlAnon today and found out, what they are doing and that there is a meeting here in the town, were i was born. I think this fits and is a happy coincidence. I plan on participating a meeting and find out if it helps me dealing with my parents and my childhood/teenager years. This idea i took out of sitd - thanks to 'ilickdoorknobs'.

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LifeLines (40)
We've had our third meeting at the marriage counselling yesterday and it was good. First time she didn't blame it all on me and i was happy that she admitted, that she never had any family idols to have learned how a 'proper' family works. She was left quite early by her dad's death and her mother, which couldnt handle being alone without a husband. Later on she was left pregnant by the father of our biggest son and she totally lost trust in men. Well, good anyway, that i was stubborn enough to stay. So actually my 'Plan' or intention of saving her worked out - even though that sounds cocky.
She saved me aswell, i'm since i was a kid i was used to be on my own, solve my problems alone, decide by my own and i needed a longtime to realise, that family is not only a one man show. I had to swallow my pride and after 10 years (!!!!) im starting now to learn and becoming better in being human and husband.
Next thing i need to archive is finally getting rid of the cigarettes. I really need to get rid of that addiction. Im smoking now since 27 Years and its destryoing me, i know that. But im mentally not strong enough yet to let that demon go. I think im reading that book again about quitting - that helped me once and i think i can manage it a second time - for ever now.
I see lately more entries and activities here and that encourages me to come back more often. And as Wednesday wrote i can also write positive things - this doesnt have to be my rubbish bin of thoughts i can be my document of joy in life aswell.
It's kinda like 10 Years ago, that you can participate on someone elses life and maybe help them. I like that. I always did.

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2/ Focus (167)
Sometimes I just cant do anything. 
 
Literally. Anything.
 
My brain will not function. I'm lucky I'm able to type right now. I just dont understand how sometimes I am so good at things and sometimes its like I'm just a shell. Sometimes I'm so capable of things some people would be jealous of. And sometimes.. I cant even remember basic common sense.
 
I got upset with my friend last night. Idont know why when people say crappy things they try to cover it up with "I meant blah blah blah". Like I'm not aware that they arent perfect and that people dont say stupid things or even believe stupid thigns sometimes. Just own it. I get not wanting to offend me, but you did. And it was equivalent to saying "That's retarded" To a mentally challenged person. Basically blaming the reason he couldnt think and was basically calling himself stupid not by saying he is stupid but that he has autism. And this isnt the first time he's used this phrase of his to relay how stupid he is. I said.. "dude. You have said that before and its like you forget who you are talking to." And he says to me "You dont have autism. of this I'm sure". First of all, I do in fact have autism. However high functioning it may be. And that is a fact I didnt just pull out of my ass but was finally "given" to me by a qualified psychologist and psychiatrist and confirmed by multiple medical professionals since. "given".. like I didnt have it up until then. It finally explained a lot of things and I wasnt happy to have it.. but I wasnt unhappy either. I was happy to have a reason for all my unanswerable questions. And at this point in my life, I dont think of autism as a curse. It made me who I am and I like who I am.Most of the time. And I have overcome A LOT. And obviously I wish I could overcome the rest but I'm working on it. And I dont know. His whole "I meant..." explaination just made it worse. Because it was like "well i just meant that you are a very smart person blah blah blah" Being smart has nothing to do with it. And really, I'm not very smart. I have to work for what I got but there are a lot of naturally intelligent and talented people on the spectrum that are more "afflicated" than I am. Even someone who is that ridiculous steroptypical image of autism, that people love to assign to every sinfgle person on the spectrum, could be a freaking genius. Whether they are sitting around not able to talk, shitting their pants, chewing their hair.. whatever ridicilous idea you have about autism.. doesnt mean you know whats going on in their head. It has nothing to do with how intelligent you are. Or if you're verbal or not. It just made me so angry. Because there technically is no such thing as aspergers anymore. Its all considered part of the autism spectrum.
 
I just really hate when people say bs like "But youre so normal" and "But my cousins sisters ex roommates nephews etc etc etc has autism and you're nothing like him" etc etc . I dont even feel like explaining how ridiculous these statements are. People dont even get how in a single sentence they can discredit a persons whole existence. Fortunately Im in a good place right now and these thigns dont affect me quite as much as they used to. Not enough to stew on it all day for weeks and weeks. months. years. I guess thats what writing is for. And autism isnt who i am, but it made me who I am. Like a lot of things but it has affected me in every way since I was born. Its like going up to a person in a wheelchair and saying "You arent handicapped. i know you can walk". "Oh i didnt mean to offend you... i just meant you are such a smart person that Im sure if you tried hard enough you could just like.. make your legs work. Fuck doctors. Just try harder. be better. You're so capable of other things so its crazy you arent capable of walking. its so basic. What are you stupid?" That's exactly what its like.
 
Anyways. 
 
So I was already having a hard time focusing on anything and getting my brain to work and then that conversation happened. And at the end I'm the one who ends up feeling bad. You know the whole fight or flight response. pretty much bullshit. Why am I so "normal"? Because I looked at my character defects and try by best (i suck sometimes but i think I am pretty good) to work around them and blend into society at least in terms of what is socially acceptable behavior. And this whole "Oh I offended you? ok bye" shit is just SHIT. I used to blame my mother for it but now I credit her for my ability to confront my emotions and others. She took it overboard (ok lets face it, at times she was/is just bat shit crazy.. but she's getting better) but without that I might be as f*cked up in that area as everyone else. Just abandoning people and converations when I'M the one in the wrong or made the mistake. and everyone does it lately. and i'm getting really sick of it. I'm just glad I have been going to meetings.. because I dont know how i would be handling things and especially people lately. 
 
So I ended up feeling really misunderstood. I made a friend a few months ago who has aspergers. I stopped talking to him because I didnt want to make more male friends in addition to the ones I already have. I'm not going to fire any of my preexisting friends just because theyre dudes but I really want more women friends. Alanon is somewhat helping with that. But I made an exception with him because he has aspergers and can relate to me in a lot of ways no one else can. So it was nice catching up. Right now we are staying at a friend of max's because well. long story. But its aspie hell. I can talk about that sort of thing without feeling high maintenance or like I'm just a complainer. I dont want everything to affect me like it does. I cant do anything about it.
 
alanon is helping me understand that I am who I am and I dont need to apologize for it.
 
I have a lot of studying to do. But I cant absorb anything right now. Idk how to fix it. Its been like this for weeks. and especially the last couple days. 
 
Max and I are all over the place. I feel like the more I try the less he does. Sometimes it makes me want to stop trying. Its not fair to say he isnt trying. But he just plays games on his phone all day when he could be looking for a place to live or a job. He keeps saying he will get a job this week. He said that lasrt week. And he says for me to just focus on school. But nothing is getting done and I dont want to be at his friends house anymore. its only been a few days and its really hard. So I have been looking for jobs and a place to live. Everything kleeps falling on me. People keep saying to focus on me and take care of me. But those are things I need too. So I cant depend on him to do them. ANd i have to do it all. And its so stressful. But telling him that makes him feel like I am blaming him or attacking him. the other day i just said i need help and that i am feeling really overwhelmed, this was weeks ago and it started a huge fight because he took it as an attack. I dont know how to say anything. Things have been a little better lately so I dont know how the same conversation would go now.
 
 
 

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1433 (83)
Thanksgiving was brief, but good. Black Friday shopping, napping and church, it was all great! 
Until I got food poisioning that night I went home.  
Lack of sleep that night, going to work that day, puking twice at work, and missing the Polar Express Train ride I paid lots of money to go do with family.  I knew it was only a 24 hr thing, but that was the 24 hrs I wanted to actually participate in life.  The rest of the week I can totally check out.  But noooo... It's never convenient like that. 
I thought I was gonna die.  Okay, I didn't.  But it felt like it at times.  And I did find it refreshing to experience a different kind of sickness/pain.  I'm so used to sinus infections and I know I can't last long with those without screaming and gnashing of teeth.  But this was different... and not as long lasting.  I found myself grateful this pain didn't effect my nose and head this time. 
But I hate puking.  I can tell you the exact year and month of the last few times I've thrown up.  I remember it all.  What I really can't handle is the nausea which tends to accompany flu and food poisoning situations, but puking is a close second.  
My roommate always has a hissy fit when I tell her I was sick and went to work.  She uses any excuse she can to get out of doing, well anything really, sickness being one of the few legit excuses to use.  She doesn't understand why I don't use excuses to get out of duties and obligations.  *shrug* Besides the fact I was raised in a family of hard work. ("The cows and horses don't care if you are sick") it kind of felt better when I puked afterward. Just be doing the same thing at home as I was in the office.  Maybe at the office I might get something done in between. And I did skip the train ride I really wanted to go to.
Besides if I'm really sick I sleep and sleep and sleep.  She sits on the couch and watches TV like usual, so you can never really tell if she's sick or not.  But going home to sleep when your stomach is indecisive on when it wants to eject stuff has never really turned out well for me. 
Still afraid of food... but that's okay. Stomach still a little sensitive.  I'll only eat what I'm willing to throw up, which isn't much. Maybe I'll get a little skinnier.  Maybe I can keep my stomach/appetite smaller, healthier. One step at a time.  I've graduated to bread now. woohoo.  Actually, my body hurts all over.  It's amazing the muscles it takes when you are wretching.  Muscles you never knew you had/needed to pay homeage to the porcelain god.  Scared to take any pain killer tho. 
Just a small blip in the grand scheme of things.  Life temporary on hold for 24 hrs.  No big deal.  Time to move on. 
Well, I survived! 
Just had to hold on. 
 
"The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on
The light will come
 
Everyone who’s ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory’s won
And those who’ve been in darkness for awhile
Kneel much longer when
The light has come
 
It’s a message everyone of us must learn
That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on 
There will be light

Hold on, hold on, the light will come
Hold on, hold on, the light will come
 
If you feel trapped inside a never ending night
If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
Who’s afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on, hold on the light will come
 
The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on the light will come"
 
-Michael McLean : "Hold On, The Light will Come" 
 
Going to see The Forgotten Carols this Saturday starring Michael McLean.  Juss revisiting my favorite song of his.
I totally want to spend my holiday bonus on season tickets to the theatre for next year!  I won't spend that much money to get a gym membership even tho I've been going for like two plus years, but for the theatre, sure!  Merry Christmas to me! 
 

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Untitled (77)
What if he was my person?
He left. He moved. Before we got "attacted". 
We were attached but it was too soon to say it. 
Now he says how he misses me and wishes I'd visit. 
My heart jumped into my throat as he said...
"I should have brought you with me" 

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Greased Monkey (63)
So i started disassembling my tractor and started with the engine. I totally have no clue how to do that, im an IT-Admin by profession, so ich just do ist step be step and i think i can manage it. My little one loves the tractor so he stood totally frowning in front of the disassembled carcass. I promised him i will repair it and then we paint it fresh and everything :) That Promise i have to keep and i will.

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1/ Recovery (74)
I decided to write in here again.
 
I used to write all the time. Maybe not every day. But regularly. I used to do a lot of things I dont do anymore.
 
That's all about to change.
 
My life. Has been. Insane. For better, for worse, mostly for worse but I'm in a place in my life right now that I havent been in in a very long time and thats being able to REALLY see the good in even the most horrible situations. And I think I am here, in this state (of mind), for a reason. As well as being in this state.. of wisconsin.. for a reason. 
 
Years ago if someone had told me I would VISIT wisconsin, let alone live here indefinitely, I would have laughed and laughed... now here I am 2 plus years later. I met Max what seems like a lifetime ago. But it wasn't. Its been less than 3 years. But in that time we've been through so much. In our own lives and together.. and its been so... well its hard to explain in 1 entry. and its hard to explain mostly because although I know God has his hand on my life right now.. I'm not sure what that means. What he is trying to do. I already know he's a part of this. I dnt need to wonder. And I dont care if anyone does or doesnt believe that or in God etc themselves.. I can tell you this much... I'm not afraid of my faith anymore. So to those who dont like honesty or have a weak stomach for God talk, you can probably stop reading now or get yourself a barf bag. I dont like talking about God because it generally made me uncomfortable in the past just because my mother was so in mine and everyone elses face about religion growing up. But Iwas never like that. But this is a safe place to be open about that stuff. 
 
Because of the events of the last couple years, because of my current relationship, and because of experiences of my past that I had no idea affected me in the ways that they did until recently, I have recently been going to al-anon meetings. And its been amazing. There is a force in those rooms that cannot be explained. Its not just God. Its not just a common bond. Its a fusion of those and so many other things. And it has been making a difference. 
 
Not just in my dealings with my current relationship like I expected. But in every area of my life. But I digress. This isn't a public service announcement for a program. But things have been hard. But I'm becoming who I am again and just who I am period. I was looking for help with specific thigns in my life. Help for aspergers. Help with schoool. Help in general. It all started in those rooms.
 
I wish I had known what a difference this program would have in my life years ago. Maybe it would have saved my marriage. But, as I was talking to my aunt a couple nights ago, its okay that my marriage ended. I couldnt say this and mean it a year ago.. but I am grateful that Tim is happy where he is in life. He was such a huge part of my life for so long and no matter what we went through or will still face in the coming months with this appeal, he was my best friend and a genuine person and I know more than almost anyone on this earth how much he deserves to be happy. And for whatever reason ayear ago, whetehr it was jealousy, or still having residual feelings, or even that unbelievably selfish thought of "he shouldnt be happy until/unless I am happy", I could say I am happy for him but I couldnt believe it. And I couldnt admit it. But without even realizing it, I am able to think of him and his new family and smile and truly believe evwerything happens for a reason. If i think of me back then like I often do with people, put myself as I was then back into the situation and have those same feelings, and focus on those feelings. and obsess about those feelings. i can take the person i was and see that that isnt who i am now. So even though I can feel everything old me would feel, i dont have to feel it as new me. If that makes sense. Imean.. because it is sad. and its ok to recognize that. Its ok that the 28 year old me wanted a family with someone so badly and we never had the chance for so many unfair reasons. It is sad. But i am not sad for where I am today. I have grown and learned so much. I'm so incredibly far from perfect and im far from a finished product but I'm so much better than I was. And I think it has to do with what Ive gone through with max and divorce and greiving old plans and ideas of how things should be. 
 
I think God tried to tell me over and over in so many ways that making plans is good, but dont set them in stone. dont think i have so much power over plans and my life. Work towards something, but. that I have no real say in it all. The darker it is, the easier it is to see the stars.
 
Okay okay... Anyways...
 
Max has been sober now since April 1st. Yeah, I hate this sobriety date. "April Fools". Probably the scairest sobriety date someone can actually have lol. Anyways.. 2 days until 8 months! 9 months on new years :) Which is a pretty cool 9 month mark.
 
Things havent been butterflies and roses just because he's been sober though. Its been EXTREMELY hard. Sometimes it seems like its worse than when he was using. But. There's progress. We love each other. And all you can do is try. 
 
I know a lot of people might hear our story and think i am a moron for bieng with him. But I dont think I'm being stupid or careless. I think the love I've shown him.. and not all the time - I'm not perfect and I make so many mistakes, especially in this because its all so new for me but.. I think the grace and love I've had at times has made a difference. I'm not the reason he is sober. But I do believe I played a part in it. And that matters to me. His life matters to me no matter what happens to us. 
 
I'm going back to school. I feel like such a loser at 31 and still not having a degree but better late than never I suppose. this is my 4th semester and its not going great. the first 3 were good. i did well in all my classes. But this semester. I've had so much to deal with. Kodi. However wonderful he is, it has been hard. Kodi is my samoyed puppy. He's not a puppy anymore. well, he will be 1 year old on December 8th :) He is so big now. I miss when he was small enough I could pick him up. I miss picking him up like a baby. My little polar bear baby :( But as hard as he can be to handle sometomes with everything going on, its also better to have him... people sometimes ask me if i ever think of getting rid of him. There have been days the lasrt few months that he is my saving grace. That he was the only reason I woke up and got out of bed that day. And he is the reason my sleeping schedule remains consistent and normal. He wakes me up without fail every day at 6 - 7 am ... actually lately he's let us sleep in. but he gets me up, he gets me out by NEEDING to go to the dog park. if he doesnt get to the dog park at least once a day he is a giant ball of energy the rest of the day. It gives me exercise and times to clear my head which wouldnt happen otherwise and I would just sit and stare at my schoolwork, overwhelmed and unproductive. He is so much more than a dog. And when I have meltdowns, especially the times, and theres been more than I'd like to admit the last few months.. when max has decided to break up with me.. and im alone and cannot handle it.. he's there. sitting by me. loving me. licking my tears. smiling at me. lol. my smiley dog. I couldnt have picked a better dog. samoyeds ALWAYS look happy to see you. Always.
 
Well, there's so much more but I think that's good for now. I have so freaking much to do. Homework and I wanted to read tonight from the blue book. i also need to look for a place to live because right now we are staying at a friend of maxs.  Too much to explain in an entry and I probably wont get into it anyways but its just been a crazy month. HOpefully as we do what we need to, things will continue to settle down. They already have.
 
We had a good day today. When I love myself, its easier for others to love me also. When I dont let my fears overpower my thoughts, its easier to see the whole picture and live in the moment. When I live in the moment, I find more peace in myself and apprecaition in him. This week I've seen myself clearer, and its scary and hard. And I've also seen him clearer.. and can be more understanding.
 
 
 
 

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40 (64)
20 years ago i never thought i'd reach this day alive: i turned 40!
 
Thank you Mum :)

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Dear Gary Fan 336 (121)
Oh dear Lord. How much has changed. My love and I have been together for over two years now. We've moved in together and actually made our first adult buy yesterday. Hes the sweetest man in the world. He still has his struggles but he goes above and beyond when he knows I'm not at my best. I really don't know where Id be with out this man in my life. I doubt I would have pursued my doctoral degree with out him.. He has so much faith in me, sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve that man's love.. Anywho - life is amazing, it has its ups and downs but there less daunting when I have him by my side. 

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Yep (90)
German music got better the last years:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DraA3PUuoQc

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Hello Weenie! (74)
Halloween isn't THAT thing here in Germany but it crawls upon all of us the last 20 Years or so.
My little one went out the first time trick and treatin' this year and he wanted to be a mummy :D
I need new first aid kits for both cars now.
We sat long in the backyard around the fire had beer and eggnog, ordered a pizza and listened to Bob Marley. Some neighbours came over, some not. Whatever, it was a great evening.
 

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1429 (139)
Floo powder, Mudbloods, Mandrakes, Whomping Willow, flying cars, Gringotts, goblins, dragons, Scabbers, prefect, Bloody Baron, Peeves, Dark Arts, Chocolate Frogs, Diagon Alley, Muggles, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Leaky Cauldron, Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, Daily Prophet, Sickles and Knuts, Dursleys, Black Forest, Nimbus Two Thousand, Flourish and Blotts, Hedwig, Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore, Sorting Hat, Quidditch, Kings Cross, Platform 9 and 3/4, Nearly Headless Nick, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Hogwarts, Voldemort, Moaning Myrtle, Weasleys, Harry Potter!
Oh how I've missed these words and have forgotten how happy they make me when I read them again. 
 

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1427 (83)
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, buttercup,
But my rights don't end where your feelings begin." 
 
 

"If you want to love me, 
You better be a storm chaser." 
-Stephanie Bennett-Henry
 

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1426 (74)
A day for me.  A cheap date for myself.
Made chili when I got home.  mmm
I skipped Ward Visits last night.
I refused any responsibility that night. 
I spent $1.23 on a movie instead.  I wanted to laugh.
Logan Lucky.   Made me laugh.   Reminded me of my brothers.
Bought an ICEE for $1.69 at the gas station and got my own popcorn at home.
Came home and watched Cloverfield.  A movie where everyone dies! 
I want to watch scary/halloween movies from now until Halloween. 
Already watched Corpse Bride. 
Hocus Pocus, Nightmare Before Christmas, What Lies Beneath, Cloverfield, Edward Scissorhands, Gremlins, Jaws, Jurassic Park, 1408, Priest, (the ones I own) etc. 
Need more Channing Tatum tho after Logan Lucky.  Jupiter Ascending. 
I think I own Dear John maybe it might be that one.  
Had the sudden urge to watch Juno again too. 
I took pictures of myself laying in a grassy spot full of leaves.  I love leaves! 
I had my roommate take some pictures too.  I cropped, framed, and colored them to make them look better.  And then figured out how to post them on Facebook.  Yay.   I quite like them. 
The last "professional" pictures I took was last year this month.  It seems I am okay taking pics of me to post to the world once a year, always in October. 
My favorite month!  Pumpkin everything!  And endless shrimp at Red Lobster with me Mum around her bday! 
I'm feeling impulsive!  Oohh Amazon! This is not going to be good...  The period must be coming. 
 

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Autumn (95)
Well, it seems that autumn works on mostly everything. The anger, the arguments and the hate has died. My need for a diary vanished again and i'm not feeling so pissed off all the time. Thanks autumn, for killing the negativity (is that even a word).
 

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Good old days (99)
It’s like it never happened 

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1425 (76)
 
"Eventually you will end up where you need to be
With who you're meant to be with
And doing what you should be doing." 
 
"If you have a bad thought about yourself
Tell it to go to hell
Because that is exactly where it came from"
-Brigham Young
 
"You're gonna meet one great girl in this life.
And from the moment you meet her, you'll know she's trouble.
She's gonna be weird. She's gonna have attitude.
She's gonna make you do things you haven't done.
She'll make you see things, she'll make you feel."
 
 

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Untitled (208)
I feel like I have to pee, but through my eyes

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The one that got away (180)
We would have been there.
I know you have seen everything.
Just come back.
I feel like it is no coincidence I check back the same day you did.
I need you to know I am here no matter what. 
 

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[139] Shadows Still Remain (165)
It's been awhile since I've made an entry. I don't know what to say other than it sucks but it's hard to remember to update here when I have so many things going on in real life all the time.
I'm in my second semester of college and it's been pretty good so far. The work is pretty daunting but I'm fighting to keep my perfect GPA.
 
As of yesterday I've moved into what I hope is my permanent living situation - for at least a few years, anyway. I haven't been in a house in a while so it's nice to not be in an apartment anymore. I can blast my music again. Which is really good.
I've been working hard on my projects and trying to get them to completion. I am hoping to finish with them by December. Which means a shit ton of baking, two books out, and my TCG ready to be Kickstartered.
I've also started talking to a few people from the SC again. It's been really great and I'm glad we're able to talk and let go of the previous BS drama. Probably helps that I've matured and I'm sure they have also. But it's nice.
I've been fighting again to get my anxiety in order...which always happens this time of year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it just sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be fully rid of it. Probably not, but I gotta have hope. And I refuse to let it stand in my way.
 
I'm going to do great things.

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1422 (131)
Accomplishment today :  Parking the truck on first attempt (far away from other cars, of course) AND backing out of my stall and driving away on the first try (without a three point turn to avoid hitting the neighbors car). 
yay!  It only took til day four to do these things....
Borrowed my sisters truck to get a new couch.  Traded my little tiny car for the truck. 
With her husband gone to Japan it all seemed to work out, me coming to get the truck, she driving me to it, me driving it back, people buying things from her storage unit that day in droves, her sudden idea of emptying out her storage unit with the rest of the cabinets the last day of the month so she wouldn't have to pay another month,  me being there so she has a truck and a driver to help transport, us taking both vehicles and filling them up to reduce trips to storage unit, and the two of us and her son being able to manhandle all the stuff from storage, to truck to garage in the dark and in the rain.  Yaay.  Accomplishments. 
Then I got a new couch on Tues.  Yay. 
Now I just need to get rid of the old couch.  More accomplishments!
 

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Trial & Error (41)
I felt it was about time for an update to my most beloved little online ghost town. A real update.
 
 
Well. So much has happened.
 
I got divorced. That's been interesting. Probably mentioned that a while ago but thats where it all started. Even now, its just strange to think of myself as a divorced person. I had no idea what I would be getting myself into when I woke up that morning and told Tim i needed to talk. Sometimes I wonder how things might have been different now if I had kept my thougths to myself until I figured them out completely. And didnt act on them or worry about them until I fixed myself. Who knows. I know this.. no matter what happens or what is going to happen now.. I dont regret getting married or divorced. 
 
I met max. And I'll be honest about it, for most people this relationship is not for them. its not for the faint of heart. That said.. I'm sort of faint of heart. He's an addict. And we've spent a lot of time getting over hurt and lies told in the beginning of our relationship. But as of yesterday he is now 6 months sober of everything. when i first found out i just wanted him to be done with his drug of choice. i didnt care about weed or drinking. i mean i prefered none of it but i was just desparate for him to want to quit that 1 thing. and there was a lot of trying. and trial and error. but he let me take him to treatment 6 months ago. inpatient. and its not a cureall and it doesnt make life magically amazing. but 
 
 

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apples (137)
Everything's good. Mostly.

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1418 (98)
 
This will be the generation, the time for a new one to go down in the history books,
where a war will be started by a tweet from the President. 
Our forefathers are probably turning in their graves, appalled. 
 
 

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1417 (109)
Happy Birthday my Maylee baby! 
5 yrs old!  Yer tall enough you don't look 5 tho. 
Just missed the kindergarten cut off, have to wait until next year.
Bummer, you can't go to kindergarten with your cousin Gunner.
But you can go to kindergarten with the twins next year. 
I got you a white Build-A-Bear you can dress up.  It came with the disney pink dress, big girl underwear with Minnie Mouse on it and the Minnie Mouse ears with veil.  I also bought a Happy Birthday cupcake for the bear to hold when you opened the present too. 
I gave you some money and you went and picked out some skates and a helmet for the bear today on your birthday.   Hopefully you got to go mini golfing with your grandparents and a few cousins to celebrate today. 
I was thinking about my Aunt Patsy and how much she has influenced me in my life choices and how much I want her to be involved in my future choices.  I hope I can influence you my dear Maylee, even if in just a tiny way, like Patsy did for me. 
 
"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." 
-Thomas Monson : Finding Joy in the Journey 
 
 

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1416 (129)
Last week every time the boss called my name, it was usually followed by some cursing...
I though it slightly odd.  I finally figured out why. 
He called my name and I was close enough one time I heard his cell phone chime right afterward and Siri talk to him, followed by his cursing and fumbling with his phone. 
Apparently my name, starting with an "S" always triggers Siri on his phone when he talks to me. 
Slightly hilarious. 
 
"Life's too short, babe
Time is flyin'
I'm looking for baggage
to go with mine"
-Rent

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Headache (101)
Grinding my Jaw again a lot since a week or so my head is detonation everything few seconds.
Hope that there not to many victims of Irma.
-be well

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1414 (101)
 
OneRepublic concert with Maddy last night!
Maddy's first concert.  
I'm not sure what you call those concerts that are tame and polite with no questionable folks, no police standing by, sitting in an auditorium, sitting in assigned seats, clapping at the right moments, entering and exiting punctually, silently listening to the music and/or the lyrics. 
But this was her first concert where no one came on time, lots of beer, police everywhere, everyone on a lawn outside standing, rocking out or dancing and most singing along at the top of their lungs. 
 
"Yes I'm neurotic, I'm obsessed and I know it
Can't take vacations in the brain
Or believe me, I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah,yeah
 
Think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
 
I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor, said to take one of these
And call me in the morning.
 
Think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better"
 
"So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people, places from the future and the ancient past 
Of every one of those, which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash" 
 
-OneRepublic : Better

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eightofnine (116)
Darn, another Post not visible anymore :) A pity. I liked them and sometimes i re-read due to language issues.

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time (89)
there was a time when i was counted, i was visible and all that surrounded me was as it was. now i sit in this golden cage. no trouble of any kind. my name is clear. even the poorest aren't labeled "clandestine". my question is what else? how else? i gave up my tongue to assimilate. i sacrificed community. my roots. what else. what else is needed. how much more is needed? everything that i have, all that i have accomplished has been done with the help from people that care. there has been no aid from the government or state. what else. what else. what else.
rhetorical questions. all of them. i know the answers. the world owes me nothing. i owe the government and state nothing. those that have stepped in to lessen the burden are all blood. even within them there's disorder. 
another lifetime of limbo.
it really fucks with my paradigm. this "other" label. being on the outside. hiding. the secrets. fear of being followed, watched, discovered.
 

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Soup (95)
Woot! i started a new online Journal today on a german site which still has a community.
Actually i'm not sure if i need a new community, niether will i give a fuck if it happens to be no member of it - as long as i can write in german sometimes.
I'll never be untrue to you dear sitd, i promise.
Gonna start sorting that alphabet soup today.

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Backflip (91)
After i was totally apathic, on drugs, isolated and far from social competence i finally made a therapy when i was 18. The Therapy helped me over the 5 years i went through it and i finally started living....somehow.
Today i startet my second appointment on my new therapy - which i initially did for my wife, to reflect my behavior. It's the same therapist, so the opening is quite easy, she already knows my past and i think i can start now on working out to be a kid of alcoholics. With all the side effects that comes with that when you grow up in such an environment. I lie and its normal for me, i keep troubles inhouse and never let the curtain fall in public for problems which are haunting at home. I seem to get it.
Maybe it's that im not able to have a relationship due to this. Maybe i can fix myself. Whatever.
I don't do this for me, not for my wife either, but for my kids - they shall not live emotionally disguised.
There is one Picture i always loved from the catholics: the Pelican which feeds its breed with is own flesh. I always liked that and tried to sacrifice myself for others: my friends, my wife, my kids. Latter are the most important in this metaphore.  I don't know if i re-invent myself and probably it was all true, what i thought i'd be when i was younger. Maybe it's just that the role i'm playing since i was a kid implements to have a happy life, be a working man and have a house, family, car, tractor, barn and all that shit. It's all not important, for when i die i just want to leave my kids back as proper human beings, with their heads up high. My Dad always fed his own flesh to him.
I remember when i was a kid, i used to be at my Grandma's place every holidays, i stayed there then for 3 weeks or more, i loved her and she loved me. I always wondered, why she wasn't drinking, why there wasnt any beer or booze in the cellar or the fridge. No wine in the afternoon or empty booze flasks everywhere stashed in the barn as it was at my parents place. She told me once as i asked her:'because it's not necessary, i don't drink that stuff'. I didn't understand that. I just couldnt, because it was normal to me to have this around.
I always thought: grown ups just always drink that stuff, like i drink water or lemonade.
My Dad is now dead since 10 Years and i sometimes still find empty flasks at my mum's place, which were stashed by him. Then i sigh. I don't think often of him, but i always remember him, when i see an empty bottle of booze laying aomewhere. He decided for that, took my mum with into that, hell yes, she is still dying slowly through her throat, not able quit drinking - BECAUSE IT's NORMAL FOR HER.
Thing which hurts the most is, that in fact my childhood disappears and comes up as a cheat.
My Wife uses this often against me. When we're arguing the sentence 'i know where you come from' mostly silences me and throws me in a hole - just shortly i fall and feel my stomach turn - then i grab my dad while i fall and hold on his positive abilities and the hole is spitting me out again. I cannot fall through to the bottom and have a hard landing, because i dont want my good memories to be smashed in the dark and let them be shattered like eggshell - don't want to loose my heart. Fact seems to be: i have to realise what happened and accept that without having the fear to destroy my memories. I don't know if you know what i mean, do you?

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Campfire Communications (100)
I made a campfire in our garden yesterday and we sat and talked. Everytime i try to explain my feelings she doesn't understand. Apperently i dont understand hers neither. I don't know what will come out of this. At least we talked. Sex this morning was routine. Im close to the point to realise for myself that we're not loving each other anymore. This is quite hard and i feel like i totally messed it up - mostly for my young son. I cannot stand the thought only to see him some times a week, neither can i go work less and take him to me. If i leave i leave a family and not a woman. This is always displayed as something with a happy end in some hollywood flick, but it isn't. I carry more on my shoulders, then i can bare - since years only to make it right for the kids. I think im gonna chose this if she agrees, to carry on. I only need stamina for the kids - nothing else. I feel numb with her, i walk around, drive around looking for a shelter in strangers eyes and i dont think this is how it's supposed to be an a good relationship. Im not sure what is going on. But i like the songwriters lately - i can reflect myself, but not the way she want's me to. Since my teenager days it always was the same: when i was depressed or just lonely i wrote. I cannot mention often enough how happy i am to have this diary still.

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Idle (98)
I'm idling here now since more then a week daily during my officetimes. There is noone coming online.
I wonder who theses 20+ Guests are, always displayed on the front page. I read a lot of old diaries of people i used to write with here and also a ton of 'new' old diaries. I guess i fell in love with this place again. At the moment, this is my asylum.
 

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