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| What's New At Sitdiary? | |
| Spam | Jul 28, 2011 |
I have noticed the enormous amount of spam blogs on here and I'd definitely like to do something about it. For the time being, if you guys spot spam blogs, can you post the username as a comment to this post? It would help out tremendously while I figure out a more streamlined approach. Love, Scott |
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| (0) Comments | |
Recent Posts
| A Rare Revelation (1) |
| by taxi on May 22, 2013 @ 12:16PM PDT |
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It has occurred to me, sitting here in a dusty tent in afghanistan that I have been so privileged to have known some great people over the years. It has also occurred to me that over the course of said years, I have not always been the best friend I could be; in some cases I've been a giant asshole. To anyone who might come across this at some point, think about those who have been there for you and what you probably wouldn't be at the present time without them in some form or fashion. To those I have wronged, take this as a sincere apology and know that the debt will be repaid. Thank God for good friends, good times, those who would die to defend the United States of America and our way of life. |
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| 1153 (2) |
| by wednesday on May 22, 2013 @ 11:31AM PDT |
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The dominant subject of RS in Church is usually being an 'old maid' and not married yet. I'm sure this subject only comes up cuz we are in UT. I'm sure this isn't very normal in other states... We have some fantasic views on this subject though. Mainly the older girls who went on missions that were called as presidents, they have a great grasp on life, mainly focusing on how much God loves us and wants us to be happy, old or young, married or not, children or no. And I have to say you really have to be...secure with yourself, love yourself, be happy YOURSELF in order to believe someone else loves you and wants you to be happy with your life currently. Happy now. Not happy when you find a guy, not finally happy when you have kids, but happy now. Doing good, going down the right path now. The lessons are always about family and the like and here we are all single young adults with only immediate family and nieces and nephews to apply this lesson to. The teacher mentioned the whole marrying in the next life, and lets face it, some women in that room will probably never get married in this life and their blessing, if they live the gospel the best they can here, will receive the blessing of family in the next life. That could include me and I have to say I am more than okay with that, more okay with that than probably any other girl in that room. A comment was made that marriage in the next life will probably be easier anyway. Haha yeah, why would you want this hardship in this life? When it could be so much better in the next life? It would be a lot easier for me to think about the kids thing in the next life, this earth just doesn't seem to cut it for those precious souls. In conclusion, I dare say to all you girls out there who are 25+ and not married with children yet and worry about the future, just in case you never get there in this life, remember, in the next life you can get you one of those Nephite warriors. Rawr rawr. Thas what I'm gonna do. One of those Mommas boys. I'm holding out for a Nephite warrior family in the next life! Of course, thas if I don't find an equivalant of that on this earth. |
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| 1152 (3) |
| by wednesday on May 21, 2013 @ 2:29PM PDT |
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So I haven't said much lately, mainly cuz its been going good. I only have something to say when something is wrong or bugging me. I'm just a complainer I suppose. Most recent roommate bugging me issue: She's been here about 1.5 months and before she came I stocked up T.P., yeah thats right, tiolet paper. And in the last 1.5 months all like 10+ rolls of TP have disappeared, just from the main bathroom, who knows about downstairs. Now I've seen a couple times some huge wads of TP in the tiolet like it didnt/couldnt flush down. It's all wrapped up like in the shape of a hand, wrapped 50 times and dumped and expected to flush. There has to be some logical explaination for this. I mean girls wrap up tampons or something, though they shouldn't be flushed, and she is pritti constant at this TP knapping business... Now I don't know what she's doing with the TP. I don't wanna know what she's doing with the TP or why the hell she needs so much. Her butt ain't no bigger than mine! Its just ridiculous the TP is disappearing so fast! We had some left on the roll I noticed on Friday and mentioned to myself that this should last AT LEAST until Wednesday, at least, even with her weird habits, right? I came back Sunday night I believe, and it was gone. Not even a courtesy replacement roll (mainly cuz there wasn't any to put on). Just an empty tp roll sitting there. Now I've been using the downstairs TP for awhile cuz I ran out of it upstairs, but I only got like 1 or 2 more rolls downstairs and I'm sure that won't last til the end of the month! I'm not so worried/angry about my TP disappearing and she's not replacing it or paying for any of it, I'm more so worried about where its been going and how much is in there and how long it will take for it all to come back the way it came! She gonna plug up my pipes! Its takes time for that stuff waste away. So I brought up a roll and hoard it in my room and leave the empty roll sitting there. Now she goes in there and goes to the bathroom and I don't know what she's using...if anything cuz there clearly is no more TP. I don't want to know how she's cleaning herself up really. I just want my tiolet not to be plugged up! But then again, I go in there and use the bathroom and she thinks I'm not using anything either. Mysteries. She just has this way of making the awkward things an issue, issues you dont want to talk about. I mean, how do you approach this subject with a roommate? "So, uh, I'm not sure what yer doing with the TP and I dont really wanna know, but I'm gonna have to ask you to stop putting SO MUCH IN THE DAMN TIOLET.... and/or pay for the TP from now." The same thing with the dog pooping all over the yard... "So, uh, could you clean up your dogs poo in the backyard, its piling up..." Who wants to talk about poo with somewhat of a stranger? I mean, I've been told I use a lot of TP, and I agree, but seriously, 10+ rolls in more than a month, I'm not even that bad! I suppose I am helping her tho. But still, for two ppl it shouldn't be that much. Anyways... And then back to the dog thing. Just when you think it cant get worse right? She shaved that dog, I swear almost to the bone. The last time I saw her shaved it wasn't that much/bad. But this time.... its one thing to see the pink of a dogs skin but its a whole nother when you can see the scraps and knicks on the skin like its road rash or something. That dog looks like she got ran over by a lawn mower. She came out with cuts and scraps and pink skin everywhere. Its really sad looking. Then to top that one off, the past like 4 days its been raining and been in the 50's or 60's and she puts that dog outside in the morning, when its colder and already raining, and that dog is bare naked sitting in a puddle of cold water shivering. Seriously? But thank goodness, some neighbor left a note on the door asking us to put the dog inside during the dog cuz she barks non-stop and this neighbor just happened to mention, in a way, that she felt bad for the dog being outside in the heat and miserable, something like she would be barking so much too if she were as miserable. Didn't mention the cold days the dog happened to be outside shivering, only mentioned the summer days. Oy. Apparently I'm the only one that thinks a bare naked lap dog could be cold in the rain in the 60 degree weather. Whatever. I got some validation at least about the dogs situation and was super glad someone spoke up about it so I could tell my roommate and she'd finally listen and keep the dog inside. Yay! Whether it be wet and cold or dry and hot, the dog has a better chance of living now. Maybe the weird dreams of the dog freezing to death come next winter when she puts her back out there will go away now. Maybe the dreams of the dog dying of heat exhaustion and dehydration, or even hunger will stop. Well, I ain't never doing a dog here again. Thats for sure. Too many nightmares. Moving on! This week is going wonderfully I suppose. Friday night I will head up to Logan and see Kirris new baby girl. Saturday morning I will make the trek to Boise ID to see Natalies new baby girl. I will stay Sat, Sun, and come back Mon. Sun will be the babies blessing and then Mon we will celebrate Mitchells bday. Three day weekend with Memorial Day. Yay! This will certainly be an interesting adventure. All of her friends, couples, some with children, will be there and then her mother. All in the same house? Awkward. Glad I got a hotel room and I'll even share with those that dont have kids. Weee an adventure! Maybe I'll make it to Oregon, just so I can say I been there! |
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| [955] rumor has it (7) |
| by katgirl on May 19, 2013 @ 4:07PM PDT |
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coming home from vacation is like coming down from a weird high. i am just sad and withdrawn and i don't want to do anything but i also want to do everything just so i don't sit around and feel sad about everything so that's a thing ~katja |
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| Reunion (16) |
| by sophia on May 18, 2013 @ 7:42PM PDT |
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Dont judge the music choice, haha. Its catchy. So, WOW! Hi agian. It's been a while, and by a while I mean two years!!! I read through all my past entries yesterday after my dear, sweet best friend since Highschool reminded me of you. Needless to say, I cried. And cringed. And cried. And cried some more. Some of these memories are hard to read, and even harder to try and remember. Sadly, many of my anxieties and self-esteem issues are still quite a struggle for me, even now at 22. So, reading through them only made me more aware of what I struggle with today...and why. I have crazy, and terrible trust issues and its taken me a long time before I have finally realized I need to get help. Writing is just a part of my ongoing journey through therapy. Where has the time gone? Jake and I have been together for over a year now. One year and almost six months. Amazing how time flies, and how the universe works itself out. I am very very happy and I can say that for real now. I am so in love, and that too, is finally for REAL. Not to say that I never loved Chris, because at one point I did, but that love was so self-destructive and I am so very aware of it now. I have been pretty traumatized by my past relationship, lots of things of which I dont even want to speak about, and its just eye-opening each and everytime I read through these last few years. I also realize how immature, irrational, cruel-hearted, and malicious I was. Its hard to see all the things I said about people I truly do care for, and about. Im not proud of that but Im glad I got to see it for myself because it really helps to put things into perspective. I let my past relationship, and its destruction and, dare I dramatically say, its "evil" creep into every facet of my life. I was an angry person, and being with Chris helped to further that anger. I read through my past entries, step back and view my life now, and think how crazy it is that I crawled out of that dark hole. Oooh man. I have so much more to write. Really. I can barely contain my excitement about being on here again, after losing hope that this site would never be back up and running!! But, I have been sitting in my bed all day playing Chrono Trigger on Nintendo DS and I should really do something...ANYTHING productive...even though it is almost 9pm. Im happy to be back! |
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| The Graveyard of Empires (5) |
| by taxi on May 18, 2013 @ 11:19AM PDT |
| Afghanistan is a place where countries come to conquer something that doesn't exist. These people aren't worth the effort it takes. We are simply delaying the inevitable civil war post 2014. Fuck this place, it isn't worth one more dead or injured American. No wife, mother, father, brother or sister should have to get that 3am phone call ever again because of these worthless fucks. Able 30 Out. |
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| 12:55 pm (13) |
| by claire on May 15, 2013 @ 11:55AM PDT |
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"This memory is not at all significant. There have been more emotional fights, other instances of more-convincing play-acting in twin beds. This story has no point except to remind me that, even if written down, all memories will one day be no more than anecdotes about dead people." Put down a cigarette, pick up a pen. |
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| 1151 (12) |
| by wednesday on May 15, 2013 @ 11:53AM PDT |
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The weirdest thing happened to me yesterday. I was COMPLETELY consumed by my thoughts. It was the weirdest communication from my brain to my body I have ever experienced. Okay, there are those days that you are just MAD, completely and utterly MAD at everything and everyone. Okay, well you can at least pinpoint where the anger comes from and those thoughts of hatred just consume you, eat you up all day long. Like literally, it can consume your every thought, every action, for literally the whole day if you let it. Ya know what I'm talking about? It effects your thoughts, behaviors, eating schedule, your daily routine, your mood, your body, its effects -everything-. Ya, well, this is stupid but my thoughts were consumed about something entirely different, something that has never happened to me before. There was this STORY, made up, make believe story in my head ALL day long, like literally, it wouldn't leave me alone. I mean we all daydream sometimes. Something that happened on the way to work leads you to come up with this weird story in your head. You weren't awake on the drive or something and you thought you saw a car flying for a moment, but you know thats not real, but your mind goes into this story about you having the first flying car or something and ya know, sometimes you get carried away. I also hear that having daydreams of you being the hero is also common even though it makes you seem out to be a narcassitist or having an alter ego or something weird like that. Like seeing a car wreck on the way to work and all day at work you dream about how you could have stopped it or saved someones life. Anyways, I have such dreams, but this was nothing like that! This story/daydream stuck in my head was totally different, not sure it really has a plot even and I feel so stupid letting it consume my whole day especially when I'm at work attempting to concentrate on work! It feels totally stupid to try and explain this story to you, it has no relevance so therefore I wont. Its like having a story about fairies stuck your head all day. You don't exactly want to tell someone this, esp when it effects everything you are doing that day including work! Ridiculous. So this story with no apparent plot runs through my head over and over and over again. So I get this brilliant idea to write it down so it stops playing in my head, right? But of course, writing about it is thinking about it and writing kinda takes longer than thinking does, but I start out writing it at work. I write it in parts and it takes me like 8 consecutive hours and I can't think or do anything else but write! It was crazy. I had work on my desk I needed to do and I literally had to pry myself way from this dumb story to focus on work for like 20 minutes before diving back in! I couldn't even eat lunch. I couldn't tear myself away long enough. Ridiculous I tell you. I am NOT a writer. I suck at such. But I am noticing how my brain is reacting to all this. First of all there are two characters fighting throughout the whole thing and my brain somehow sees this as exciting, like a romantic exciting, which attests to my love of fighting in a relationship which I prolly shouldn't admit to. But rawr rawr. It makes me want to watch "The Notebook" when they fight all the time and Ryan Gosling is my favorite, hottest, actor ever! (So I guess my brain thought of this for a reason, maybe cuz I haven't had wookie in awhile. I'm not totally crazy, this must have SOME pattern to it.) Ya know how some people think their dreams or thoughts have some deeper meaning... can intrepreted into something that is affecting their life at that time, some deeper consciousness. Second, as I write this down in parts, I notice my brain is deleting them from storage so I stop thinking about that certain part of the story. So with part one and two written down, my brain only focuses on parts 3, 4 and 5, etc. It was interesting. And the ending got all muddled up in my brain, like my brain never thought of an ending, so my brain just stopped, just before the ending and I had nothing else to think about. Of course, that drove me crazy, typing for 8 hours and find out my brain never made up an ending to this, so now I put the brain in overdrive just to come up with an ending and end all of this nonsense! It was ridiculous how stuck on this story I was not wanting to do anything else, I didn't want to talk on the phone, I didn't want to do any work, I didn't want to eat lunch, nothing! Just get this out of my head! And even more ridiculous was the effect it took on my body! I tried so hard to avoid doing anything else and it must've stressed me out or something cuz by the end of the story/8 hours my body was aching so bad like I ran a marathon or got hit by a train! All those thoughts of this stupid made up story made my body feel so ...bad. I think the weather has to do with this also, but still. Going from a freezing cold office, can't feel my feet so cold, to the outside where its like 80-90 degrees outside and being on fire in two seconds, and then getting in a car which is even hotter than outside waiting for the A/C... I think that hot/cold change is making me fatigued and not wanting to eat anything. But now that it is finally out and it finally has an ending after a muddled brain fart last night after finally tearing myself away from the computer, I almost feel brave enough to read it and see if it makes any sense whatsoever to me now. I remember in highschool we did this "Stream of Concious" writing where you just wrote for five minutes about anything and everything that came into mind, just writing as fast as you could, no stopping, no thinking, just pouring it all out on paper no matter how ridiculous it was. And then afterwards reading it and it seemed all jumbled up when you wrote it, but when you read it back to yourself you notice a pattern your brain was taking. It was interesting. Kind of like this journal entry. I wonder if that happened here with my story or if I'll just be more frustrated I wrote about this stupid story instead of doing more important things. |
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| [954] a cripple walks amongst you all (14) |
| by katgirl on May 13, 2013 @ 1:47PM PDT |
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i can't tell if we're coming closer together or further apart. i think i get it. i mean i really do, i just don't know what to do about it. i am spending a lot of time feeling like a lumbering idiot which is stupid because i am neither, and objectively i know that. why does it feel like for all the things you tell me that you never have, there's 10 more you keep secret? i don't know i'm being weird and i should stop okay stopping. going to go shopping and spend money again. ~katja |
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| [1759] things (24) |
| by ilickdoorknobs on May 11, 2013 @ 1:09AM PDT |
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I'm upset. i told sal and Stephnie something really personal. And I am 99.9% sure they just went and blabbed it to people. Why wouldn't I think that? They are always talking to us about other people so what makes us different? Despite them referring to us as family. Maybe they say that to everyone. I thought we were closer.. That's the reason I felt I could tell them. But I guess I was wrong. But it's not like I can just ask because I know sal . He will deny it all day long even if it was true. And then turn it around on me making me.. pr at least try to make me feel bad for even considering such a possibility. How do I not have better friends by now? Uhg. I mean they aren't terrible friends .. But they sure aren't great. I think me and Tim have been wonderful friends to them. Helping when we can with no strings attached and never complaining about the double standards or one sidedness of it. But it gets so old.. Then throw in gossip and I'm done. I can take lazy friends who only put themselves first. Fine. But not talking crap behind our backs. Especially to people they are always talking about or claim to not even like that much or whatever. Stephnie is always saying how annoying Katherine and Laura are and then those are the people se confides not just her secrets but mine and Tim's? Lame. Complaining about them to me and tim and talking about them.. Of course they are doing the same to me and tim when with them. Idk why I didn't think they would. Trust too much I guess. There is a chance it was all coincidence . A very very very small spec of a chance. But I'll never know because I won't ask. How? How do I ask and get a straight answer? Maybe it's for the best. We've been friends years and things are still as awkward as ever. We could never bridge the gap. Idk why probably my fault I'm sure. And we never felt we could really say how we felt without it turning into an argument . I don't like those kind of relationships. I want to be able to ask my friend a question like "did u tell so and so about that thing I told I?" And get a truthful answer despite how they think I will respond. Because I would get mad .. That sucks. But I'd respect an honest answer more than a coward. It migt be ok for a while but if I ever found out they lied I wouldn't talk to them. But if they did say stuff an old me the truth I would be pissed but I could get over it. Eventually. They'd never say. Might as well accept the fact now that I am just friendless. Me and Timmy and that's all. Anyways.. Good news - got a web gig. Pays $500. Should be pretty easy. Although it sounds a little tedious but whatever. Tims training date was moved from may24 th to July 5th and now June 7th!.. And we still haven't moved out completely or finished updates... Or found a renter.. Or a place to rent... Nothing. Thought we had a whole month more.. And on top of that he got another job interview for a job in Santa barbara. Weird thing is the interview is the one day he has off work next week.. Things always work out like that for him. It's really strange. Bringjng the cats to my moms tomorrow night. That'll be interesting. Dexter had just been startin to get more comfortable and then all this moving and renovation stuff happens and he's timid again. Now we're taking him to a house with a bunch of animals.. And choli hates my mom. And remembers her when she visits and hisses and gets really crazy and psychotic .. So that'll be fun. Im tired Mother's Day is Sunday ... I wa trying to get a card. But everything felt like a lie. I'm not getting a card that isn't true. She was getting better and now it's like she is going through menopause all over again.. And I was trying hard but now I feel like what's the point. I was going to arrange to fix the porch roof for her for Mother's Day but I don't even know if I want to bother anymore. She's doesn't appreciate anything and she is difficult and judgmental just for kicks. Where's the card for tht? Maybe I should make one.. And say happy mothersday... Try not sucking it up. Is there an equivalent to the lump of coal for Mother's Day? Christmas is to coal as Mother's Day is to.... Stems? Haha.. Sounds about right but I'd hate to waste flowers to prove a point. Kinda. Sometimes I feel bad like I don't give my mom enough credit and then she goes and reminds me how ridiculous it was to think such a thought. And then throwing this stupid wedding anniversary.. What's the point? It's only been 5 years. And no one invited even cares. I'm really bitter lately. Uhg. Ever since that billionth p test. Usually I snap back fairly quick... Not this time. Maybe I will be forever bitter and sad. That's what it feels like at least. Writing in sitdiary no longer brings me peace... I feel empty and alone. Sitdiary with iPhone = lots of spelling errors.. Due to my man hands.. :/ |
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| 12:32 pm (12) |
| by claire on May 6, 2013 @ 11:33AM PDT |
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I quit smoking eight days ago, and I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad, and I feel like I'll die if I stop moving |
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| 510 (39) |
| by karigurl13 on May 6, 2013 @ 10:18AM PDT |
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We can start trying again. I've gone through hell and climbed my way back out. My emotions are more in check now. So, maybe I am okay. And it's more then just okay, I have finally seen that there is more to me then just what I see before me. I want more in my life. I want to work harder for everything I can be. I know that I am so much more then what I already am. Having a family is just a step in becoming what I've always dreamed. August can't come fast enough. Two will finally become one. Then, and finally, I will be the woman that I truly want to be. And hopefully, the stars will allign right to give me the greatest gift I have ever wanted. ----- im coming home again and now i know where i belong reeling from my instincts cause i realise im not alone |
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| there was this time (15) |
| by anotherbagofbones on May 6, 2013 @ 1:14AM PDT |
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when i thought i had lost all of my memories. turns out, things have a way of coming back to you. welcome back, sitd. thanks for bringing my words back. |
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| 1149 (13) |
| by wednesday on May 3, 2013 @ 4:06PM PDT |
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I think about 9/11, Sandy Hook school, Columbine, Trolley Square, Bostom Marathon, and the Colorado movie theater victims when I hear this song. I love the way the new Les Mis guy sings this. So much passion. "There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on. Empty chairs at empty tables Now my friends are dead and gone. Here they talked of revolution. Here it was they lit the flame. Here they sang about tomorrow And tomorrow never came. From the table in the corner They could see a world reborn And they rose with voices ringing I can hear them now! The very words that they had sung Became their last communion On this lonely barricade at dawn. Oh my friends, my friends forgive me That I live and you are gone. There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on. Phantom faces at the windows. Phantom shadows on the floor. Empty chairs at empty tables Where my friends will meet no more. Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me What your sacrifice was for Empty chairs at empty tables Where my friends will meet no more" -Empty Chairs at Empty Tables: Les Miserable |
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| 1148 (10) |
| by wednesday on May 3, 2013 @ 3:56PM PDT |
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Arrgghhh If its not my roommate it has to be SOMETHING right? This time the stupid dog in the neighbors backyard was barking ALL night long. You'd think he would lose his voice/bark. He did take some breaks tho, the annoying kind where you just get back to sleep and he starts again. He needs a break right? I hope this doesn't become a habit. Next time either I'm taking like 3 sleeping pills or I'm lacing some food with it and the dog is going to get 3 sleeping pills. Longest night of my life. I tried everything. Ear plugs, music, tv, background noise, sleeping elsewhere, to no avail. I come barreling out of my room all unkept and angry to find my roommate staring at me. "That stupid dog!!" She basically said "You can't sleep any noise can you?" Now's my chance to make that point clear, "No No I can't! I can hear everything! All the time! Stupid thin walls" Thinnest walls I've ever encountered. I thought for sure a 2004 house would be better than the 70's or 80's houses where the floors creak super bad and whatnot like Gmas. But noooo. I've started to think I picked the wrong house. Thought that long ago really. And to add to the situation, the boss decided to text me to call him when I get to work, cept him being over in Georgia or at least on the way, the timing was a bit off and I got the text at 5:30 in the morning. No matter really, I was already awake I suppose. Oy. Despite the lack of sleep and hatred for the dog, I got a lot done at work today. I dont seem too ornery. |
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| 1147 (18) |
| by wednesday on May 2, 2013 @ 10:03AM PDT |
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So I was sitting at the table eating breakfast the other morning and the flower pot in front of me was dying. My roommate is always bragging/showing off her flowers some boy gave her between the boy she was going to marry and this other boy she's hanging out with. But since the flowers were dead and nothing was obstructing the card that was inside I found my name was on the card. Those flowers were mine and I had no idea. I didn't bring them in the house. She must have and never told me. I assumed they were one of her many admirers gift. That kinda irks me. She eagerly shows off her flowers, but can't bother to tell me if I had flowers delivered to me? The flowers were from my doctors after the Lasik surgery. I didn't thank them at the one week appointment b/c I didn't know they sent them! They prolly sent those flowers two weeks ago and I didn't take care of them cuz I didn't think they were mine. Oy. -_- It bugs me. Then we were talking about the gym. She has told me about three times already that she's going to do a half marathon in the fall and that she got a gym membership and that I'm welcome to come with her to the gym anytime. I told her I had my own gym membership and I go on Tues and Thurs or something. She asked why certain days and I said cuz I dont really like the gym and I have to make myself go. And she replies all bubbly like "I love the gym! I go all the time!" And boy does she. Its like her second home now she's not superglued to her ex-finance. She seriously comes home to change and go to the gym like 7pm and doesn't come home til like 11pm. Certainly she's not at the gym the whole time? It is a 24 hour gym tho. I mean I don't -hate- the gym, but its certainly not my second home. I still have a life outside of work and the gym... whatever. But she couldn't stop her annoyingness there, oh no, she had to continue. She decided, for whatever reason, to declare that she weighed less now than she did in highschool. Granted highschool for her wasn't 6+ years ago, but still. She had to announce the details "I weighed 130lbs in high school and now I'm only 120lbs". Okay, we are all human, the first reaction/response/thought you have when someone declares their weight number? Yeah, thats right, you think about your weight. -_- Does this girl have no filter when she talks to short fat girls? Argh. So her happy annoying high voice of "I'm only 120lbs" is like ringing in my ears for the past two days. Of course, the line is being said mockingly in my head each time... And this morning she gets up early, and apparently if she gets up early everyone else is supposed to be awake too!! Again she's blarring her music through her speakerphone on her phone just outside my door. Its come to a point when I'd rather things be tense and on edge than let her think she can just do whatever she wants in this thin-walled condo. So I opened the door and told her that earphones were a very good invention. (I will buy you some, seriously, use them) Now my point is proven when her response to my communication with her started with a "what??" (as in she can't hear me) Oy vay. She turns down the music. I repeat my sentence, which is more of a hint, that we all know she doesn't get. Then she asked "Oh were you still sleeping?" *rolls eyes* Seriously? No I was just sitting in my room doing nothing. YES I was still sleeping. Was being the key word. Now I mentioned headphones/earphones for a reason. Just b/c she turns it down cuz I'm awake now and getting ready for work doesn't mean I want to hear her music! Maybe I don't like her taste in music? Ever thought of that? We seriously need a music rule in the house. No music before 8am and no music after 10pm and on weekends, so help me, if I can't sleep in cuz of you in my own damn house.....!! Also, Tues night her and her boy toy (sersiously, a toy, she's like a player) made dinner in the kitchen the other night and put all their dishes in the sink. I made dinner last night and she attempted to fit all of my dishes in the sink. ??? Whatever. I finally made curry! It was good and somewhat easy! Wee! Yay. But morrow she's going out of town and I bet you a thousand bucks she's going to leave her dishes there for me to clean up/wash. If I get her dishes out to wash mine and put hers back I bet she'll be gone for the weekend with no thought. Besides the fact she's been using MY dishes so technically all of MY dishes are dirty. I am NOT her mother. And my house is not going to be a slob either! Its so comforting to me to say to myself sometimes that the dog is not mine. Every time I think about the dog and wonder if she's got water or been fed or freezing outside or whatnot, I just have to remind myself 'its not my dog' and if she's mistreating the dog she'll get her punishment one day. I know that dog hates water and she baths her all the time and even takes her in the shower with her.... weird. Poor dog. She seriously needs to clean up the dogs doo doo in the backyard. She's spreading it into the neighbors yard. Serenity now! |
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| 1048 (70) |
| by advertisement on May 1, 2013 @ 1:03PM PDT |
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12:03 early Wednesday afternoon (1 May 2013) when the birds sing I'm going to get all mushy again and use this space to gush about how good my husband is to me. he's always been a lot sweeter to me than I deserve probably, but ever since he learned I'm carrying his baby he's been nothing but beautiful and caring to me. even though I often just want to lay down and have a nap he's always doing things for me around the house, like dishes and laundry and cooking. plus his cuddles are out of this world in other news, I dropped an edamame into my orange juice. oh well. |
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| 509 [ do you really want me ] (29) |
| by karigurl13 on Apr 30, 2013 @ 3:33PM PDT |
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My store is not going to last the beginning of summer. It scares me a bit. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know anything. Will I have the same schedule? Will I be near the same people? Will I even still have a job? I hate not knowing a thing. |
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| When There's Trouble You Know Who to Call (33) |
| by archangelafr on Apr 30, 2013 @ 11:53AM PDT |
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I take everything back I said about Teen Titans: Go! It's like Teen Titans TTA and South Park had an adorable chibi child together. The art style isn't nearly as big of a hang up as I thought it would be. The jokes work quite well given the subject matter. The shorts The New Teen Titans called Bad Dad and Red-X Unmasked were minute long shorts of gold. The show still pretty much glorified Raven, but I found myself really liking all of the characters as a whole this time around, especially Robin. We'll see if it actually delves into seriousness, but so far it's extremely light hearted most of the way and when it needs to be really dark in humor. |
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| [953] this time we know (31) |
| by katgirl on Apr 30, 2013 @ 12:16AM PDT |
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I feel like I'm losing my mind. |
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| 1146 (12) |
| by wednesday on Apr 29, 2013 @ 12:44PM PDT |
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Saturday April 27, 2013 So the boy wanted to do this ride Lights for Eureka or something. A motorcycle ride for charity to help Eureka put up street lights. Yeah, sure, charity, great, I'll go. The first time he's been with a giant group of motorcyclists and it helps puff up his pride and makes him all happy to be seen hanging out with the 'tough guys' an all that jazz. I could see his ego swell as more than 1,000 riders pulled out of Harley Davidson on State Street and headed to the freeway. They had Doug Wright from KSL news covering this event and they had the helicopter up above Harley Davidson the whole morning and got video of all of us riding to the freeway and dispersing. Doug is who Evan and Gma listen to the most, should've known he was interested cuz Doug said so. I bet it looked cool from above though. It was kinda cool riding with others and sharing the lanes. Evan isn't so used to riding/sharing with other bikes so he had to actually look in his blind spot a lot cuz bikes are smaller and can get right up next to ya. He was funny. Turns out Eureka is like a freakin 1.5 hours away or more, we went down the 'long way' I guess and came back a shorter way. And if you've ever been on a motorcyle for 3 hours, and not the comfy luxurious bikes with passenger seats and radios, but just the small pad for your butt and a backrest, you'll know what I've been through this weekend. I saw a girl with a guy on more of a bulletbike, no backrest, so she had to lean on him and keep her butt in an even smaller pad than mine. That would suck after an hour or so. They had route planned out for us to go, but everyone kinda went the way they wanted to and met up at the checkpoints we were supposed to make for the "poker run" (Stop at five places, pick a card, and the best hand at the end wins prizes). It wouldn't have been so bad on the way down cept I had to pee like crazy. I peed at the gas station before we left at 10am, but by noon at the first checkpoint I was just plain uncomfortable. My pants were just putting pressure on my bladder and it was still cold even being in the 70's so I was kinda shivering. It was just...not fun. We got into town and I went running for the potty. Two other ppl peed in the potty next to me during the time I was still going. Longest pee ever! I dont even remember drinking that much to pee out! I must've been nervous for this ride cuz I knew it would be long. Anyways We did some of the poker stops, the boy was hungry so we went to the elementry school and ate their free BBQ sandwhich lunch with chips and pop. My pop had caffeine. Prolly shouldn't have drank it for two reasons. Then we did some more poker runs. We kinda cheated at one of the stops so I could get two kings. The boy had nothing. With my two kings we went about to see when and where the prizes were gonna be. They kept changing the time and location, but we finally got it about 2:30. We all stood out in the sun for like an hour or more as Doug talked and that man knows how to talk and for a long time. One of the first/best hands they said was three kings so I thought I was in the runnings! But I didn't get there. They had some good prizes tho. $500 in tires or car repairs or whatnot, dinners, leather, helmets, dinners, movie packages, etc. Harley leather and clothes cost a good chunk of money. I'm sure these drawings and prizes are the only reason Evan wants to come besides riding his bike with other 'cool' ppl. Well, we pritti much got baked in the sun at Eureka for no real reason I could see. They had nice street lights, but it being a town in the middle of no where I'd think they would come up with something they need a lil more... Like the gas station was pump and then pay inside and with 1,000 plus bikes that need refueling after that trip, that was a loonng line/wait with confusing instructions and ONE card swiper. Of all the technology....they got street lights. Whatever. Even at the elementary school you could see how small the classes/grades were and every classroom had a table of laptops charging for each student. I would prolly feel better about a charity for education more than street lights, but it seems they already got that covered.... Anyway! I went. I did. I saw. I rode. I peed. I ate. I ached and pained. The ride back wasn't so bad as far as being uncomfortable cuz I had to pee, but by now it was just uncomfortable on my butt period. Ain't no comfortable way to sit on that kind of pad even with a backrest. But I could make it to Logan on a bike with a day or two inbetween riding back. :D We went through Saratoga and other places on the other side of UT lake. I don't think I've ever been on that side of the lake before. Saratoga looked like paradise town, a nice looking community, big houses, big driveways for big boats for the lake, green grass, open areas, a golf course just there on the edge of the lake. We grabbed a Redbox on the way home and just crashed about 5pm. The first day of nice weather and sun and we decide to get baked and travel for too long on a bike. We cooked up some dinner and started a three hour movie of The Hobbit. It was nice to just lay there for three hours. It wasn't nice to feel the heat start radiating from my skin during that time. Traveling in general wears me out, sunburnt doesn't make me feel good, and the ache and pains from the bike certainly don't help me out. I just wanted that day to be over. And it finally did around 11:30. Burnt face and all hit the pillow. The worst part was thinking about going to church the next day. I had already gotten a lot of zits from this face cream I been using I think, and now they are burnt zits. So now I have burnt zitty face and I'm supposed to go to church. Oy. Needless to say I did not get up until noon. Buried my face in make up and it didn't look half bad. My neck and chest were still glowing and they hurt the worst, but I tried to cover it all up with my hair. It wasn't so bad. |
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| Introduce a little anarchy. (21) |
| by archangelafr on Apr 28, 2013 @ 10:53PM PDT |
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LA riots are 21 years old. Maybe the question shouldn't be "Where were you?" but instead "Where are you now?" This country is ILL. Politicians have grown fat and comfortable in their cushy offices on capital hill. They are under the impression that they could get away with near anything because they know how to keep us stagnant. Equal Wage Issues, Gay Marriage, Immigration, Gun Laws, Birth Control, National Security, Occupy Wallstreet, and a laundry list of others. What do these issues have in common? The battlegrounds aren't on the steps of congress. They are among the streets and in the schools pitting us against one another. This allows politicians to surrogate a side and claim to speak for people when all they do are beating the drums of war and keeping aggressions focused on these hot topic issues while during the dead of night they could change our rights as a whole nation. How gullible are we? They know exactly what buttons to push and who to face at who. How long will it take before everybody gets over themselves and realize that while they were arguing over who's pity dick is bigger and deserves to be sucked that big brother picked their pocket and their internet activity without them even knowing. Fear the government that no longer fears it's citizens. They will take everything you let them. |
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| WELCOME BACK SITDIARY!! (39) |
| by lostmysanity on Apr 27, 2013 @ 3:54AM PDT |
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First off i'd like to start by saying: Welcome back Sitdiary!!!! I'd like to continue by saying that i feel pretty good tonight. I just finished putting out the fire in my backyard and by chance decided to try this site again and i am so stoked it's up again. I unfortunatly got to run into my current ex (Jordan), his ex... siome chick. this is the second time she's been in my house, mostly because she is friends with one of my room mates - Mike. Who is moving out at the end of April here. My other room mate or as we've taken to calling her - my Wife [side note: not actually married] is currently in the process of brining home... or going home with some shirtless guy she met at a party. It doesn't bother me one way or another since she's sworn off sex and men for quite sometime and just honestly needs a good lay. it's currently 3AM and I still have my soup to eat and smoke some weed (just started this year, i've been sompletely anti-drug up untill now.... but only weed) and go the fuck to bed. A friend of mine, Ty has decided to take me to the comic book convention here in calgary and he's picking me up at 11am. Later I will have to work at 5pm at an Irish pub i work at and give my notice at the other pub i work at lol. SOOOOOOOOO much has happend since this site went down. Actually even far before that. I'm sure the details will slowly surface but untill then I am quiet content explaining the present state of things. Now that i've updated alittle lets get on with the meat and potatoes of everything that has happend within the last few days: I met this cute little Punk boy named Dan. He seems very old school and is 23 like me. He has a very decent job and a car and rock out like crazy. He's smart and funny and i've had a small crush on him for a few years. I happend to mention this to a girl i work with and she is actually room mates with him! who would have guessed? she claimes he's never had a girlfriend and another girl i work with too who's known him for years claims the same thing. I'm so nervos. I guess well see what happens though eh? oh! my current ex jordan (dreamy native... like actually a fucking studly native boy) just decided to text me after seing I was online. I hope it's a deent conversation. Last time we talked he actually came over and took care of me which was probably a mistake but he was so cute and slept on the couch because he said he fugured he hadn't earned the right to sleep in my bed with me again. See? he's got a brain in there somewhere. hmmm I honestly think that's all for now. I'll be sure to start writing in here everyday :) Later Days! *~Ashley~* |
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| 1145 (22) |
| by wednesday on Apr 26, 2013 @ 10:31AM PDT |
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Its mah friday! ...Again! I have to say I'm getting a little tired of a boss that says "No" within two seconds of asking a question or making a comment to almost everything simply because he's jumping the gun and/or doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. And if he ever does say "yes" its like that "duh, yeah stupid" way. ugh. One day I might not have a boss that jumps the gun. But for what this guy is paying me to sit around and do nothing I'll put up with it... It just makes me do faces behind his back at times. Anyways my Resa Roo is prego and she never told me directly. I wonder if she made announcement of some kind or is waiting longer til she shows or until everything is going just fine? I dunno. Maybe there was a facebook announcement I missed cuz I dont FB. But either way I found out and I'm super excited for her! I totally want to see her cute little body carrying a baby! I find it somewhat ironic, in high school she was like totally against having kids, she liked them, but didn't want them to pass through her body and 'ruin it' so to speak. And that all made sense knowing she's got those narrow hips that aren't really made for baby making and it would prolly hurt more/take longer to pop babies out of that narrow skinny body and 'ruin it'. I mean, who wants more pain and a ruined body right? I don't know if it had anything to do with Mormons or not but I suppose me being one I'm supposed to be the baby maker/home maker right? I dont think I ever specified if I wanted kids or not in HS. But here she is wanting the babies with her skinny self and here I am not wanting babies and prolly having the body for it and 'religion' for it. Lately, I've been craving indian curry. Evan and I went out for dinner to an indian place and had their curry. I've only had it once before. But I like it, its a very light meal, rice and sauce with naan and I figger I can make it at home. I dont know why I have never been very adventourus in the food department. I dont do reciepes or cooking. I cook out of boxes, bags, and cans. Sometimes I do fruit and rarely do I do veggies. Anyways, I feel the urge to learn to make curry. I'm not that ambitious to make naan, bought that at the store. I dont think I mentioned that Evan has always wanted to go on a motorcycle bike ride with the Harley Davidson crew on their rides for charities and the like. He's been listening to the radio, maybe a bit too much lately while working in his truck all day. They announced a "Ride for Lights" to help finance lighting in Eureka UT. Bringing Eureka into the 20th century finally. Anyways so he signed us up and we are now going to ride the motorcycle with a bunch of harley guys/gals to Eureka for the day on Saturday. Its kind of a long way, we'll get sore on the bike, esp after a long winter not being on the bike. But I wanted to go to Wendover and I made it happen so he wanted to go on a bike ride so he made it happen. |
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| My Birthday (38) |
| by xxdanixx on Apr 25, 2013 @ 10:26AM PDT |
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Today should be a happy day, today I should be all smiles, it's my 23 Birthday and all I feel is sadness, I have so many people in my life who love and care about me and yet I still have this empty feeling in my soul, I feel so alone. He won't even speak to me, to be honest I am amazed he even wrote Happy Birthday on my facebook but he still wont answer a text or a message. I guess it's really over. After everything, I'm all alone today, as it should be as it will always be. I didn't want to feel like this today, I didn't want to cry, I'm trying so hard, why won't this pain just go away, why can't I just be happy, why can't I be good enough? Will I ever be loved? I can't take this much longer..... I just want to be happy, I want to feel ok. That's all I want for my Birthday just to talk to him but that will not happen, I.. hate this. Please, make this pain go away. I just want to be ok again. |
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| 1144 (8) |
| by wednesday on Apr 25, 2013 @ 10:26AM PDT |
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I was going to write yesterday. But I don't think I have much to say. That's rare isn't it? Usually talking about events in life leads me to talking bout my feelings... and then it just goes and goes from there. Friday, April 19th, 2013, I got off work early because a) it was totally dead at work, nobody had been in or called all week and b) it was my bday he said so I could go early. I went home and took a bath and watched a movie. Then I went over to the boys place cuz he only had time to get off work and go home and shower. He didn't have his car so I had to drive. We went to Murray for dinner at 6:30ish. A new place we never been before. It didn't look so nice on the outside, but the inside reminded me of Olive Garden. I had a noodle dish that tasted just like the soup at Olive Garden. He had a chicken dish and we switched halfway through. We had stuffed mushrooms for an appetizer. Yum yum. I just talked and talked. He got up like he was leaving after he got the check thing done and I'm still sitting there drinking and talking and he's standing there over me waiting. How awkward. I asked him to sit back down; I wasn't done. Whatever. We had some time to kill so we went over to Lowes to compare prices with the fire safe Evan got me for my bday before I opened it. We just walked into the store and Uncle Neal attacked us from behind, claimed he heard my laugh. He came to get a faucet? We chatted for a bit. His wife said happy bday to me in text that day, he hadn't though. hah. Then we headed over to Desert Star playhouse to watch "Less Miserable" a spoof of Les Mis. We got popcorn when we sat down, we ordered a peach smoothie and hot fudge brownie for dessert. mmm. The playhouse was funny. Lot of political and religious/Utah jokes. After the show they did the birthdays and I think I got called "Laws". Weird. Two big adult boys next to us had Bdays, I think they were twins. They did anniversaries and other things also. They called a girl up and said she won something for 'liking' their facebook page and ended up getting proposed to on the stage by her finance. Their whole family came to the show and had the whole row of tables in front of us. Now I know why. Evan said I would be so mad at him if he did that. I know how to act, I'm an actress! I'd prolly yell "No way! Shut up!" and shove him real hard and then totally focus on the ring too much before answering. But then afterwards, he'd get it... But yet, the show still wasn't over. They did a little extra bit at the end with a 50's song and dance that I wasn't expecting. April 20 - Saturday Evan wanted to check out this dealership with this little mailed in scam to get you to come look at cars right and have the dealers shove things down yer throat. We ended up with $5 Wally card by the end, but we determined after three different guys came to talk to us and not one was competent enough to read and/or recall what kind of vehicle I'm looking for, that we did not like this dealership. First impressions are big. And three different guys offered me things above my verbalized price range and offered me bigger cars than what I said I wanted. 'I want a small car" and the reply is "How about an SUV?" Oy vay. I was done. I made Evan go see the kitties again at Kitty City. Found a 13 year old siemese cat that let me hold her. Yaaayyy. She looked like an old distinguished old lady. She could wear pearls around her neck. The other cats just lay in bed and get angry if you try to play with them or pick them up. They just want pets. Evan says no to cats based on ONE flaw. Seriously. He drives me nuts. Cats love him and jump in his lap when he sits down but then he's too afriad to get them off him cuz they have claws. oy vay. You have to take some risks and deal with some flaws if you want a cat, there is no 'perfect' cat out there. Its so hard to decide what flaws you can live with though... Gah I can just wanted to take off with that 13yr old "Lady" cat and be done with it. But I'm not sure it will get along with Bella the dog at home. Then we headed up to SLC to retreive some presents from Mindy and one Mom sent down. Mindy, of course, got me a self help book "to help guide me during this time of confusion on my life". The only books she gets are self help books, so therefore, thas the only book I'll get from her. She takes them seriously, I on the other hand, dont take them as seriously... But smile and nod. She really does try. I do love her. Mother listened to me and got me Les Mis I asked for! First time that has happened! Woot woot. She said she got me more.... I think she's really helping me 'be prepared' with first aide and 72 hour kits and fire escape stuffs. Yaaayy. Support. We ate their food and watched some of their movie and then we went to Wally World. I don't remember what we did the rest of the night. Sunday April 21- I went to church the next day at what I thought was my home/family ward. But it wasn't. So I went to church with a bunch of old ladies for no reason. Smile and nod. Found the right ward to go to next Sunday. Went and got Evan early so we'd be on time for dinner for once. He was oblivious to the world with headphones on watching a movie. I barged into his room after his roommates let me in and he still didn't see/hear me. Oy vay. I could have totally robbed him and he'd have no idea. Grandma finally got to make her roast she's had since Easter I believe. Real potatoes and some ham on top. mmm. Then I got a brown and pink chocolate cake! Neal and Jannis got me a $20 gift card to Wally World. Yay! Jed and Patsy learned I got Lasik so I could brag. Jesse came by and we had fun with him. I told him to get me a bday pressie and he came up with a 5lb bag of gummies. Hey, he thought of me okay? It was awesome. We went outside to play cuz it was too hot in her house. She needs to get that swamp cooler going. I played with my baby outside. We had four dogs in the yard at one point. Jesses (with the same haircut as jesse), Max, Jasper and someone elses dog from the neighborhood juss walked up into the yard. It was fun. Got to play with my baby girl! I got pressies from Neal/Jannis, Evan, Min and Mom. Yay! Kirri texted happy bday on Friday and I thought of Aubree on Sunday. Then I noticed that Kirris new last name is Smith and Aubrees is Harris. Thats totally reminds me of Joseph Smith and Martin Harris! Anyways, random thought. They were meant to be. April 22 - Monday I didn't know what FHE was and its not like my roommate was around to talk to me, ever, so I just stayed home and watched Les Miserable that I got from me Mum for me Bday. There are some bad acting spots and seemingly ridiculous conversations sung, but the actually songs are brillant enough to trump anything bad about that movie. Love it. I don't see a lot of movies that I say "I just have to buy that". My movies are carefully handpicked. April 23 - Tuesday I went to the gym again. I think a week and a half after surgery is okay to go back to the gym, right? Wrong! My eyes were so dry the entire time I was exercising I was going to go insane trying to keep them moist when I'm sweating everywhere else. Gonna have to fix that. Other than that I came home with energy, limited myself to half a sandwhich instead of my normal gorging, took a shower, and then somehow ended up eating a box of noodles and never hit the 'full' level your stomach usually communicates to you. Oy vay. I need to call a personal trainer. April 24 - Wednesday I was super bored at work. I wanted to read a book. I had watched all my TV shows and wanted to read. Now thats desperate. I did some more family history/indexing and we finally reached a billionth record. I was a part of that, thank you. After work, finally, the boy wanted to go to Leatherbys and get Sundaes for dinner. o.O Weirdo. I got a Quesadea thing too. Where I live its mexican food and then what the store normally sells... I got a banana split with chocolate, strawberry, and cheesecake ice cream with melted peanut butter, hot fudge, and melted marshmellow topping. mmm it was..interesting. I liked it. But it was too much dairy for dinner. Then we talked the rest of the night. I got him to help me around the house a bit and asked a lot of questions about what I should do with things my house. Talking about being prepared like the scouts with first aid, 72 hour kids, fire safe, reliable cars etc. We had a good ol' long talk. I was surprised his attention span stuck around that whole time. April 25 - Thurs - Today I guess I will just go to the gym after a boring day at work. Stop by the new Wally down here on the West side and get some more eyedrops cuz I'm gonna use a ton while exercising. Meanwhile, my roommate is totally absurbed in herself and is never home so its hard to talk to her when she is home and harder when she's not. I was going to ask her to start cleaning up her dogs piles of poo in the backyard. The weather is warm enough I don't care if she sticks her dog outside anymore. I was going to ask her to put her dishes away, off my counter. Most important, I want to ask her to turn her noise level down a notch or two when I'm home especially when I'm sleeping! |
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| Dear Gary Fan 322 (25) |
| by blackblood14 on Apr 24, 2013 @ 10:26AM PDT |
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Well fuck, fuck, fuck. Adam and I broke up, correct? Correct. Well that was a while ago. Things that have happened since. -Regionals I met Jacob. He was absolutely wonderful. He came down to see me from another state, and everthing went well. This was great. I thought I had a shot, but he just dropped me. He was too busy and I can see that. But I think he doesn't like me as much as he says he does. -Spring break. I kissed a family friend's son. We've had this not so serious thing going on on the weekends. And it isn't all too bad. But the summer is coming up and its around the corner and we had said we'd talk about maybe making it serious. Gf/bf style. I say no. -Beach weekend. I was with the frat and got slightly intoxicated. I kissed a brother. I just craved a warm body. But whatever. He asked me out on a date and we went. It was nice. And we kissed. But there was nothing else. It was like I was just going through the motions. -Ex boyfriend. I met up with him this weekend, and when we were together we were fine. Great actually. All the feelings came back. But the moment I got to Clemson. Gone. That's not right, ya know. So there's no potential there. -Now there's Chestley. No. -Russian grad. No -Danielle. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. She came out of the blue. So obviously, I've been playing the field. Right? Yes. I was in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who wanted to know my every move, thought, action, everything. He didn't trust me. And well, what ever. It just wasnt all that great. So I was planning on being single and just playing the field. Well, here is Danielle. I've had a crush on her since I met her, so since last semester while I was pledging. But the great thing was that I wasn't pursuing it. Right? Just look and feel, but dont touch . That was my stance on it. But she was a serious instigator on that front. Any who, now that I was single, she seemed like she wanted to hang out. ESPECIALLY since she bitched me out for breaking up with my ex when she was plastered. So we hung out, flirted. It was great. Then one of her roommate's girlfriend told me that she was seeing someone. I backed off. Which was good. Ya know, I try to be good. But we flirt on Monday. And I slip up. I made a comment and called her cute. And instead of backing down and playing it off (which was probably what I should have done), I ended up telling her I liked her. Awesome right? No. We hung out last night. Now that shit was fucking amazing. But she kept pushing me away and then back. I was confused. Especially since I asked her about girl and she told me things were rough and that her girl had cheated on her. I , being blind and ridiculously distracted, thought that meant they were no longer together. At least for a bit. Heh. No. And she told me this in the middle of hanging out. Now what I should have done was walk away. But no, I was hooked. Gah, it was just a crush. But the moment I kissed her and touched her, it was so much more. I'm hooked. I told her I'd go with the flow, what ever she wanted. And I mean I will. But it would have been easier if it was just a crush. Now I can't get her out of my head and I just want to see her. Just see her. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Well, at least I realized that I am dropping everyone else, but her. I'm not "taken", still free as a bird; but she's somewhere I'd love to come back to. I would have a relationship with her. For real. Crazy, maybe. But its okay. I just gotta stick through this. I'd rather fall for her, and her not catch me; than having someone fall for me and me not catching them. |
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| [952] all along it was a fever (24) |
| by katgirl on Apr 23, 2013 @ 12:42AM PDT |
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it's that time of month I guess. Time to stay up at 2 AM and cry about fictional characters. Sure, why not. ~Katie |
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| [1758] Oh Hello (59) |
| by ilickdoorknobs on Apr 21, 2013 @ 4:12AM PDT |
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BAH. NANA. Jefri is very oinky today. His eye looks better but I am pretty sure he is completely blind now.. the more time he spends at my moms the more blind he gets urgg.. How will he know how happy I am to see his little face? :( If he ever goes back there he'll probably come back with no eyes at all. just holes. on his face. fun fact: painting isn't fun. sal and stephnie are coming over Monday. which i mean is cool but i can't help feeling a bit annoyed. but its not like i can say anything because it will just come out wrong cuz i mean they are coming.. and sal never takes anything i say right so it will just be a fight so i will just be a shut mouth. yes a shut mouth that's a thing. which also means i can still type about it... yeah.. YEAH! so.. a few weeks ago he got all cally on me. like calling all the time. like almost everyday. mostly cuz i am working on his dads site and also we were both in the middle of condo renovations and exchanging notes and whatknot. and i asked him to help us paint but he had to work. and then i go help him paint and after that a week goes by without a single word. i brought this up to Tim and he's like yeah seriously that's weird. so then i think i sent him a fb message about his dads site. and that night i tell tim we should invite them over. and then the next day i get a call from sal. and he's like what r u guys doing monday and i'm like "we're free but.. " and i was going to say we wanted to see if you want to come over but instead i asked why? but i already knew why i just had to hear him say it.. and as i predicted he's like just wanted to invite you guys over to see our place its all set up. (even tho earlier in the convo they were still unpacking... *confused face*) and I'm like oh... cuz well.. we were planning to ask if u guys wanted to come over here cuz we finally finished the floors (which they knew cuz of fb and steph liked our pics).. and he's like... "ohh... yeaaaah .. suure" i mean not verbatim but thats the gist in this like.. disappointed sounding voice like.. trying to sound enthused but not being enthused at all but knowing he cant say no because we go there EVERY time we hang out like so many times we cant even count anymore. for years. YEARS... oh the gas.. (but we don't complain. one time we said it was the gas and it does get expensive but that was another story) and they've i think both come once like actually into our place and I'm pretty sure they had the kids which is important to note because most of the time the reason they can't come is because the kids are allergic but i could have sworn they brought paige.. and then the time we went to the mall but we didn't come here so really does that even count? and Sal came 1 other time.. so 2 times, maybe 3.. in 5 years living here. i mean when you think about it like that its really just silly. i know they have kids, but someday we will too. will that just mean we'll never hang out again? I'd imagine things would be the same just us toting along a baby. which btw isn't how it will be. thats how it woooould have been if the realization of how sucky our side of the stick was hadn't sunken in. and its sunken. pretty deep. i mean that's pretty one sided. Also when we move to Bakersfield no way they are driving all the way up there. so this is like the last month or 2 they have to come over. and i know recently we've been going up there a little more often because I've been talking to my mom and brother again so it hasn't been as big of an issue as it had in the past.. and they might use that as like a reason. but it shouldn't be because in the past we had no excuse to go up there at all expect to see them. and now that holidays are over we don't go up there a lot and when we do go see my mom i'm too tired to do anything else. i can only do so many social things in 1 day. in actuality it would probably be more accurate to say i see my mom when i go up there to see them. not the other way around. so that's all about that. idk. just bugging me. we'll see how it goes. if he says 1 thing about the drive or gas tho i'm just going to lose it. and then I'll be the crazy one of course. i think i've been a really good friend. i mean no one is perfect and i say inappropriate things and he says things without thinking and tim and steph just watch haha... and then we had that falling out but we bounced back and idk in some ways it made us close and in some it made us not as close so.. its weird. I'm secretly dreading this baby shower tho. i wish they could see that i care about them by sending them a present and not going. i mean. its going to be excruciating. just like paiges baby shower. u know when people say oh just go u will be happy u did or it wont be as bad as u think.. i wasn't and it was worse. but we didn't know i had Asperger's back then we do now.. don't they know how horrible these things are for me by now? they've probably never looked into it. did they have one for elijah? well i wasnt invited if they did. i wont know anyone. or it will be people i am uncomfortable around like sals mom uhg and becca and fran? and justin who are friends of andres so that's awkward. idk why it has to be it just is because he probably.. well no not probably. i know he told them a bunch of crap. i just dont want to see these people. and to put the icing on the crap cake... its a pool party. fantastic. i hate being in a bathing suit. i look like a 12 year old boy next to these people. sometimes i seriously think about getting a boobie job. and then i realize how incredibly narcissistic that is and how i will have to explain it to my non existent daughter someday and how what if one popped and i was all disfigured and walked in circles for no reason... but it would help heaps with self esteem. grr. and also they are all moms and its bad enough its a BABY shower. throw in a unch of moms and i am in my perfect hell. wanna hear something stupid.. no really.. it is probably the stupidest thing I've done in a while. a few months ago or even more.. it was a while ago.. i was applying to roles on Mandy. and i submitted for this one i thought i was a good fit for. didn't hear back. then about a month ago.. i get a random email from the poster saying they were needing a replacement for that role and they were shooting in simi valley the following week. i saw it 2 days late because it was in my spam folder and cuz i don't check that email as often anymore. i wrote a reply saying sorry i didn't reply but i was interested and to please send more information about the role. but i got nervous. and made it a draft. and then i just never sent it. because i suck. and all i could think of was this one time i went to this audition. i was emailed the slides and we met at a park and he recorded me doing the scene with him and he watched it back and said i need to spend more time in front of the mirror. in other words. u suck at acting. then i thought about when i got that small role in that short film. and i had like 2 lines. and the scene was like 1 minute. but i was so excited. and they cut it. probably because i was terrible. but I'll never know. the director is my friend on fb but I'm too ridiculous to ask what i did wrong. and how i can improve. it makes me mad tho because for that one i told him i had no experience and i didnt want to waste his time especially since it was 2 hours away. he said don't worry about that - i will work with you. he did not say one thing to me about what i should do different. so what tho.. thats just how it is.. but i'm just dumb. i knooow there will be rejection and theres been other stuff but uhg too embarrassing. but this i felt might have been something that required something I'm not capable of. and i already knew it. but i should have went anyways. cuz if i randomly and miraculously did something right.. who knows. *facepam* on a related note.. that movie i was an extra in is finally coming out. its been like 3 years. its weird watching the trailer and remembering those times. and the parts i'm in weren't even in the trailer but still. that was a good day. 2 days. and casey was there and we were beefs and i met some weirdos but cool weirdos. and it was so cold and our feet hurt so bad but it was so fun. and when they wanted me to turn and talk to the featured actors friend and then walk off with them on camera! and after everyone was like telling me good job and congrats cuz it was my first time and i was already being upgraded to more camera time. oh and when we walked by the 2 ladies who idk who they were but i know they were important to the movie.. maybe writers? but as all the extras walked by them one said "she was really good" but i didn't see who they were talking about. but i think it was me :) that was a good moment. i want more. i should go to sleep. Here's to being more positive today than yesterday... And heres a bat filled with jelly |
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| 1047 (100) |
| by advertisement on Apr 20, 2013 @ 1:38AM PDT |
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12:37 early Saturday morning (20 April 2013) The one-track mind I found the baby's heartbeat immediately today after being good all week and not over doing it with my home Doppler. It's such a powerful thing, listening to the heartbeat of another human rapidly growing under your skin.. Kind of bizarre. Caleb got to hear it and understand what it was he was hearing this time, as it was not as static-y as last week when I found it for him. And the bub was hanging out in a good spot for a long while so we got to listen to that rapid thumping for a full minute very clearly. We counted the whooshing best we could and came up with an approximate heart rate of 160 bpm. Solid stuff, little baby. Good work, mommy's proud. We are Still not settled on boy names. I guess it's fair enough... We still have 6 months to go. It's just that the names I really love, Caleb hates and vice versa. Maybe something like Grey or William. We'll see. I have this strong hunch that this Kiddo's going to be a boy, so I'm always thinking about male-appropriate names. In other news, yesterday I swear my belly popped out and I could passably look pregnant if I was out wandering around in a bikini. Maybe other people would think I just look a lil bit fat but I think I finally look a teensy bit pregnant. In all honesty, even though I miss pooping and beer and staying the same weight week after week, I'm just tickled pink that this baby is so keen on growing and I can't wait to meet the bub come November. :) good damn I've turned into a mushy asshole Hahaha. |
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| Remember, Remember, The Fifth of November. (24) |
| by archangelafr on Apr 20, 2013 @ 12:17AM PDT |
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While we all were entranced by the happenings in Boston... ...CISPA has been passed by The House by a landslide, unannounced. So I ask you. What are you willing to depart with today? What are you willing to do to fight back? There are a lot of people out there who signed petitions and spread the word of CISPA's intentions. The people you elected into the HoR to protect you from things like this didn't listen to you. So now what? The president you elected will show where he hangs his hat. If this squeeks by the Senate he has the power to Veto this thing. When Danger's Near, Exploit Their Fear. The Ends Will Justify The Means. Or I dunno. We could try to take our country back. |
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| Whatever will be, will be (23) |
| by xxdanixx on Apr 19, 2013 @ 10:15PM PDT |
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So usually I would not be caught dead singing or even listening to a country song/music, but this one song is the one thing that's keeping me together at the moment, I don't know what to do anymore. My life is falling apart a little more each day. I feel like I have totally lost myself. Who am I? What did I do? Where am I going? What the freak and I doing? I don't even see the point of getting out of bed each day. I'm not happy and nothing I do is making me feel any better. I'm just so hurt. That's the best word I can use to describe me right now. HURT. And now again, it's happenig again, I don't know what I do wrong, I don't know why guys don't like me. I guess GD was right, I open myself up to people just to have then pour acid on my open wounds. I let them know me, the real me, behind this tough girl, I am weak, you all know that. I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I cry, I cry a lot. I never used too. I can't believe how easily I can be replaced, how little of importance I really am, how little people care. Nothing just nothing, all I ever wanted is the one thing I'll never have. My Birthday is less then a week away, I don't want anything money can buy. All I want is to see GD. To spend time with him, Heck I would be happy just to get a call or a text from him. I'll be amazed if he even wishes me Happy Birthday. I deserve it tho. I don't deserve his friendship or anyones for that matter. I need to be alone, I can't be trusted. I'm not a good person. I am trying to fix everything with everyone, to beocome the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. Its so hard. Currently I just want to be alone, lock away in soultiude, where I belong. I don't want/can't be around people. I cause pain, I destory. I'm a poison, toxic. I'm sorry, sorry is not good enough. Sorry means nothing. I'm changing myself. I get a little better day by day, but my life is still falling apart. I have no joy, I fake a smile. There are times where I honestly have to fight tears from falling and it happens at random. Like at work Thursday night, out of no where I just had a thought, I was thinking about how I could not wait to get out of work, then it hit me, why did it matter when I go out, I was not doing anything but going home, taking a shower and then playing on my Xbox, then sleep. Only to get up tomrrow and do the same thing all over again. It hit me, I have nothing, I have no one in my life, well the people I do have don't even want me they just tolarate me, I'm there fall back plan, when no one else is around or busy then they want to hang out with me. No one gets happy to see me, no one gets exicited to see me, Here I again just being a stupid girl. just a silly stupid girl. It's just got to get better, please Lord, save my soul. Save me from myself. This can't be normal, feeling like this all the time, only at the gym/working out do I find some peace mind. I will get my dream body, I may not be able to control or fix anything else in my life, but working out/eating is something I have 100% control over. I can at least do that. I miss him and its ok to miss him. Maybe one day I will have my turn to be happy. I wish I was with him right now, all I want is to be in his arms. |
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| 1143 - Bday 25 (23) |
| by wednesday on Apr 19, 2013 @ 11:48AM PDT |
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My one week post op eye doc appointment before not seeing him for a few months. One week later I am seeing 20/20, the only thing in the way of that is super dry eyes that make it slow to see 20/20, but it should get better with time. Things are still swollen and settling back down where they are supposed to be, still healing, so it will take time to get things right again. A lot of ppl think you'd get Lasik to save money on contacts/glasses, etc, and yes I would save a lot of money in that regard for the next 15 years or so, but its not just the money! They can truly make you see so much better! They can usually get you to 20/20 or somewhere near there. Even with my contacts I was only seeing 20/30. Thas the closest I could get with help directly on my eyeball. But now with nothing on my eye at all I can see 20/20. Its ironic how not having anything your eye the irritation or dry eyes makes it feel like something is in your eye bugging it. I can't juss take out a dry contact anymore to bring relief to my eye. Anyways, another day at staring at myself in mirror beaming and letting this all sink in. Very good sight and for a long time. No more glasses or contacts. Relief. Happiness. Road to recovery. AND Its Mah BiRfDay!!! Its Mah FrIdAY!!! Going to Roma Ristorante for Italian for dinner! I wanted to go somewhere I've never been before. Then going to Desert Star to see their spoof of Les Mis aka "Les Miserables -or- a lot less Miserable". I love Desert Star I went for my 19th Bday I believe, when I first moved to SLC, Claine and Min took me. We saw the Wizard of Oz spoof I believe. But Evans never been there before so I think it'd be great to show him too! And I've been trying to get him to take me the last two years, finally, an occasion he will! It is kinda expensive... I prolly get off work early too so I can go take a nap or take a relaxing bath before dinner! woot woot! The boss gave me a $25 gift card to Olive Garden ....again! He gave me one for Christmas in 2011.... I dont recall what he gave me or if he gave me a Christmas gift in Dec 2012. But he didn't know about my bday last year (when I went to The Cheesecake Factory downtown) and let me off work early the next day. But this year I made my bday known to him! On the calendar in bold! I think he's been feeling bad this year he couldn't/didn't give me a raise, so he wants to show appreciation in other ways. He randomly gave me $100 in March (after a client paid him cash) which so convienently paid for my two tix to Jeff Foxworthy I was purchasing that day for $50/each. Gift cards, and once or twice already this year he verbalized appreciation for me and what I do for him in the office. I wonder if all this appreciation has something to do with the electronic filing he has no idea how to do and is mandatory now with the courts. I can't decide if a raise (which gets taxed) or these random gifts of money and verbal appreciation is better..... hmmm... |
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| [1757] A Feeling (19) |
| by ilickdoorknobs on Apr 19, 2013 @ 7:29AM PDT |
| Hopefully more. |
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| Let's Talk Injustice (22) |
| by archangelafr on Apr 18, 2013 @ 11:01PM PDT |
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Before I get too far into this let me assure you that Injustice: Gods Among Us is a great feeling game experience. It is truely a fighting game all it's own. With interactive stages and plenty of new game mechanics to make sure even the characters that seem like they would play the same are actually quite different. Each character had their own character power that compliments them from the comics. Raven's taps into her Demon half. She turns red and gets the extra two eyes just like in the comics and for about 5 seconds gains additional powers more akin to her father's influence. So let me begin by saying No... it doesn't bother me that Tara Strong doesn't do the voice for Raven. She does the voice for Harley Quinn and to be honest Tara Strong's voice does not fit the character of Raven from the comics. This version of Raven is more close to that than the TT animated show's version. However Cyborg is actually a lot better voiced by his TT animated show voice actor. Not to mention he says "Boo-yah!" and that just made my damn day the first time I heard it. Raven is not supposed to be her TT animated version. She's Evil in this game. One of her longer segments of air time is of her torturing Deathstroke. Would you want Tara Strong doing the voice of Raven if that Raven did everything the character from the show despized? I'm actually glad they went a different way. About the story. A damn good one. I wish it was longer. I might consider getting into the actual comic attached to the game. No spoilers. Oddly enough... this game and Bioshock: Infinite had very similar story lines. I'm sure that was just a coincidence. How the game feels is where I get to loving and hating the game. Raven is fun. She plays a lot like Mortal Kombat's Ermac. Kind of a meter abuser. As in all of her best combos are off of Meteor Blast moves which is this game's version of EX moves. Other characters I used were of course the big brawlers. Solomon Grundy is the resident grappler, Zangeif type. Bane plays more like Hugo from Street Fighter 3. Dooms Day is a lot like Shao Khan. Death Stroke is your ranged projectile, spacing, character. So far that's about all I've put hours into... and my god my hands are in bad shape. Hitting those shoulder buttons so much are murder on your pointer fingers. You know what I hate? Quick Time events on the PS3. Know what this game is chalk full of? Quick Time events. This is so far the only part of the game that makes me cringe every time I come across one. The S.T.A.R.S. missions will force you to do these and I have loads of trouble telling the difference between the small square and circle buttons. So of course I fail them miserably. It took me about twenty minutes beating one of the missions because I just plain couldn't tell the difference. Have yet to try the online. I'm afraid it's going to suck like the rest. I rarely play Tekken Tag Tournament 2 because it has about a 50/50 chance of being downright unplayable. Anyone who knows me knows how much pain that gives me. They added P-Jack, My favorite character of Tekken, into the game and I can't enjoy it. I pray Injustice does not follow the track of Mortal Kombat 9. Here's to hoping that I will not lose faith in the genre. I don't know how many more critical hits I could take. |
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| secret twenty-one. (31) |
| by ellolove on Apr 18, 2013 @ 7:10PM PDT |
| I'm so much happier than I was two years ago. |
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| 1142 - Felicity Talamante (13) |
| by wednesday on Apr 18, 2013 @ 3:05PM PDT |
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I was thinking I need to write about something good and happy now. Nothing bad has happened really so I should find something good right? I opened up to this journal and didn't know what to write. Then I got a text that Natalie Talamante had her baby this morning! Felicity Paige Talamante born Thurs April 18, 2013 at 10:29am 7lbs 11 ounces, 19 inches. A day before my birfday! Not sure if they agreed on a middle name, last I heard they weren't going to steal my middle name, Elaine, and would just try to steal my April 19th bday itself. I think thats the first name they finally agreed on. I can't keep up with their changes. The last text I got today was Natalie/Arthur saying that baby will born in a fortnight. Yeah. Uh huh. Two weeks? Whatever, more like two hours. And guess what! That baby came out 2 hours after the water broke! Three pushes! 8:30am to 10:30am! Is she getting faster and faster with each kid? Maybe the boy was a bit longer. And how is she so lucky to have kids during the daylight hours instead of middle of the night inconvenience like everyone else?! Goodness woman! She has a full head of dark indian like hair too! Thats fun to have girls with hair. Mindys baby girl came out...well, like Min, with no hair. That was weird. Me and my siblings came out with thick hair, so does Natalies kids. Since she was born in the middle of no where I dont get to see her until the end of May. Natalie wasn't ready for this kid financially or mentally and prolly physically... and it was a little too close to the last kid I'd think. Maybe two kids in diapers now. She's still having a hard time making ends meet. She still needs to establish a reliable and responsible appearance at work if she wants to keep her job. And if she doesn't use protection she's juss gonna keep having kids she's not prepared for! I love you Natalie dearest, I do, and congradulations! But now that you've had your third kid, which you are not prepared for by any means, I suggest you use some protection in the future! Something! Anything!! I know your body was made for making and having babies, but there is a right time and place for all things! |
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| [1756] Stabby Knight Syndrome (24) |
| by ilickdoorknobs on Apr 17, 2013 @ 8:36AM PDT |
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picked up Jefri a few days ago. he got an eye infection at my moms.. never happened here.. probably from being outside all the time. it was like straight out of a horror movie.. its better now and i think he's enjoying being back home. without that evil bunny Banana. i think the reason i stay up all night is mostly because i secretly prefer to be alone. or maybe not. people are so overwhelming lately tho. its like the more stressed out i am and need sleep the more i stay up... i dont get it. its just how it is. my mom is driving insane. i'm not sure what else there is to say or do anymore. my brother doesn't contact me unless i contact him. its hard thinking of reasons to text him. but if i don't i wont hear from him. not sure what i did. im missing people. no one imparticular. just people. from my past. friends, family, relationships, strangers that were just there and i never talked to, places, smells, sounds. everything feels like in montey python when the knight is running towards the castle and hes like running place for like ever hehe and then all of a sudden he's there stabbing those guys in the face.. or whatever.. like slow motion and then sped up 10 times faster to make up for it. i'm not sure what the point is.. it just is. the house is coming along. finally got the floors done :) they look amazing.. some stuff i wish we did different but overall i love them. |
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| WBC Vs Common Sense (26) |
| by archangelafr on Apr 16, 2013 @ 11:29PM PDT |
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Those sick fucks from the WBC are doing what they do best. Exploit tragedy. How much longer before we consider this shit group of hate mongers what they really are? Why do we have to allow them a stage and a voice? It's not even three days from the Boston Bombing and they are waving their flags around the bereaved. Fuck that noise. The US government is going to try to strangle us all of our freedom in the light of this tragedy... but will do nothing to silence those who deserve it. This is the sick fucking world we live in. Hey, Barry. I know you got that digital petition trying to get the WBC labeled as a Hate Group. I fucking signed it myself. Drop the hammer on these wastes of life. I've gone 3 months without paying any bit of attention to politics. Already I'm glad I've taken that time off. Starting to think Mike has got it right. If it wasn't for the spiders that grow as long as hub caps I'd be all over moving to Australia. Seriously... no chance in hell I'm going to live where Spiders grow as big as Alien's Face Huggers. Also off topic. I was wondering what exactly a 3d shape would be if it had more than the conventional cube number of sides. The proud Asian kid of Papa John's looked me in the eye and said it was a Polygon. That did not sound right to me at all. A polygon is a multi-sided shape of the two dimensional plane. A multi-sided shape of the 3D plane is called a Polyhedron. Can't wait to tell him Thursday. AKA forget all about it by then and have no glorious pay back. :( Lord I need something to entertain me. |
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| [951] you shouldn't have to fight alone (23) |
| by katgirl on Apr 16, 2013 @ 11:09PM PDT |
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To be honest, I'm not really okay tonight. I would vastly prefer not to be alone, but it is what it is and sometimes I just want to be someone else's priority. I just really need someone to give a shit right now and that's stupid because they have their own problems and it's midnight and I should be asleep. I don't even know why I'm upset. Nothing happened. It's always like this and it's always nothing. |
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| 1141 (17) |
| by wednesday on Apr 16, 2013 @ 2:28PM PDT |
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I can see 20/20 in both eyes! Well, technically I can see a bit better, like 20/15.... I read the 20/15 line and got almost every letter on the letter chart thingy! And I'm not even done healing yet... Super excited! And I'm think I got like 15 years before my eyes change or start reverting... well, so they say. With my eyes they'll prolly be changing a lot between then, but then I'll get enhancements and not be too bad off by the time I'm 40. I can have super great vision for a LONG time. I'm glad I did this when I was young. This'll save so much money! Each time you put the lubricant drops in it clears up the vision better each time, its so cool. I went from seeing like this *hand in front of face* without contacts/glasses to seeing *arms open wide* I can literally see details of the whole valley from up on 1300 East without contacts/glasses. Amazingical. Hey, if you were as blind as I was you'd be amazed and grateful too. Greatest Birfday pressie to myself EVER! Let's celebrate! All week long! *does a lil dance* The docs were like super excited for me after seeing I could read most of the 20/15 line. They didn't think I was as excited as I should be. I just said it was great or wonderful and they were like "awesome!" Its like they were giving themselves a big ol' pat on the back. Which they deserve, yes. They seem surprised and pleased by this success. But ya know, after their great and powerful experience at this and all the money I gave them I should expect these results, yes? I dunno. I'm not gonna go out and buy them presents or dinner for doing their job and my body responding well to it. But I will thank them. He also threw in some of his business cards so I can refer to others. Sneaky and smart. I suppose he deserves this as well. |
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| Empty house, empty heart, totally alone (27) |
| by xxdanixx on Apr 15, 2013 @ 5:58PM PDT |
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This is the death of beauty, The doves have died, The lovers have lied Those are some of the lyrics in the song I was listening too, I am always searching for songs that will fit my situation, right now that's one of them, theres actually a bunch of songs I have been listening to over and over again, anything to help me, anything to make me feel better. To be honest I haven't felt anything, and that is one of my biggest fears, when I feel nothing. I havent been this depressed in a long time, the last time I was this upset, I was 15 and I really hated life, I look back now and I would rather be where I was then, then where I am now. I feel so alone. I have reallu lost everything now. My Mom, My Sister, My Dad (pretty much my whole family hates me) I have lost my friends, I barely talk to anyone, and now I have lost GD. (gratifying direction) Again for those who have read my other posts know what I mean by GD. Anyway GD and I had a very close and special bond and friendship. We understood one another, have a lot in common, and I threw it all away. We would tell eachother everything, I trusted him with my life, everything, I would talk to him about everything. And now he wont even answer a single text, I'm starting to think he blocked me. Or is just ingoring me. I have sent him a few texts but now I'm done. I can't send anymore. He dosen't care Elle, Never had and never will. I can cry all I want, it dosen't matter. I'm not a pussy, I never cry and that's all I have done. It's all I can do. At night when I'm trying to sleep my brain gets the better of me and I just cry and I cry and I cry no one is around so I don't care, its just me alone in this house, I will always be alone, but I syill get up every morning and go about my day just fine, I hide my pain, talking about it with friends is pointless, I have no real friends anyway, no one I can trust. I'm so stupid. I have learned from my mistakes, All I can do now is be strong, and try to make a better tomorrow. I feel like no matter what I do I will always be used, stepped in and discarded. Once people get what they wabt from me they toss me aside like yesterdays paper. I'm trying to become a better person, a stronger person, a selfless person, a good person. I don't fall in love easily, but when I do fall I fall hard, I have only been in love three times, I have had boyfreinds who I didn't love but liked, to be honest Ty was the only boyfriend I had that I actaully loved. Don't get me wrong I still had hard feelings for my other past boyfriends but I didn't fall in love with them. Mostly because the relationship didn't last long enough. I was with Ty for 5 years and it was not till the 2nd year into the relationship where I said "I love you". He's the only boyfriend I have said that too, I have told friends that I love them in a non-relationship way. I never said it in words to GD but I have told him I love him in texts, in a card, but never heard it back. I didn't expect too. I can't help but wonder if he misses me, if he ever thinks of me, if I even meant anything to him, I was replaced, I'm not special, what was I thinking. I can't deal with this much longer, I'm almost happy I am getting sick again. Maybe I wont be this lucky this time. |
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| Tapped out (26) |
| by xxdanixx on Apr 15, 2013 @ 2:04PM PDT |
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Tapped out Without you I am so lost I want you back no matter the cost In the daylight hours I put on a brave face But at night my heart is all over the place I guess I never really mattered You turned me into galss and I shattered I want to scream I want to shout in the fight of love You won And I Tapped out |
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| A rope, a chair and buttet shells (17) |
| by xxdanixx on Apr 15, 2013 @ 1:49PM PDT |
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A rope, a chair and bullet shells This one is for the broken-hearted This one is for souls long departed Again, I find myself alone Again, with feelings unknown I need an escape Running out of time, always late Never wanted to say goodbye Even when you said "I hope you die" This one is for the mentally insane This one is for the ones always being blamed Strong enough to put down the knife but I still find myself wanting to end my life Save yourself, for I am done Looking down the barrel of a smoking gun |
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| 1140 - Lasik (23) |
| by wednesday on Apr 15, 2013 @ 10:10AM PDT |
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I did it! I'm alive! I can see! I am driving without contacts or glasses for the first time in my entire life! Honestly, its hard to really appreciate the whole concept of not driving without glasses or contacts b/c when you drive with contacts you kinda feel the same way as you do without them, not that I'd know if there was a difference, until now! So I went in around 3:30pm and finally got my long awaited Valium. I thought about my fathers negative reaction to drugs, mainly cuz he OD's on them, but thought it best I only take one Valium since I've never had it before. They say they usually give patients two of them. I mentioned I am a lightweight and one should prolly be best. I'm pritti sure they postponed everything until my Mom showed up. They didn't tell me, but I think they have issues starting the procedure if no one is there to pick them up when they start. So my mom showed up like 4:45 I think? She was still driving down from Logan when I told her instead of 5:30 they would be done around 4:30. Neither of which happened might I add. We left around 5:30 instead of her being there at 5:30. Anyways! Didn't matter to me much I was just...relaxed and chillin. I don't know if it was the Valium or what, but when the two docs came in to check out my eyes one last time before surgery the one was giving me the basic "something could go wrong, we can't promise anything, the machine might stop and you might not have the surgery today" blah blah, but it felt like he was yelling at me. All I wanted to do was ask "why are you yelling at me?" But I was oh so calm during that time. Usually you get anixety when you feel someone is yelling at you. He's just a loud talker I guess. He said I looked familiar and he might know me from somewhere and I just shrugged and said, "I wouldnt know I cant see you" I'm glad there were two doctors there. They werent used to the microscope equipment in that office so the two of them were trying to figger it out there in front me and frankly it didn't give me a lot of confidence before the surgery.... I was calm enough I mentioned it to them. One doc is like "How do you adjust the ...." and the other is like "trying turning that thing, no, the other way". Oy vay. I'm like "this is giving me great confidence in you guys with what you are about to do to me...." They laughed. But they know the laser machines better, thankfully. The room was super cold. They gave me a teddy bear and blanket and I needed both. The lady in there wasn't really graceful with her delivery of help... She'd grab your eyes and pry them open and drop the numbing drops in every once in awhile. Although the eyeball itself is numb, you can still feel the skin and eyelids when you tug and pull on them! And the worst part was her gracefulness in -taping- my eyelashes back. I'm surprised I still have some left. And I can only imagine how wide/big they open your eyes so they are just working with the eyeball itself. You can prolly recall some TV show or movie where someones eyeballs are being poked at and opened really wide. Anyway, they have to suction the eyeball to hook it to the machine so neither move too much I guess. The put a patch over one eye. The first eye, the right, they just suctioned it and hooked the laser machine to it and then weird-like darkness came and I could tell that machine was cutting the flap part of the cornea they peel back before the laser works on the eyeball itself. It was weird. Didn't hurt, but I could like...feel it ya know? Kinda like at the dentist, yer numb, but you know which area they are working on and can feel the tooth move or whatever. It wasn't so scary on the first eye, because they remove the patch on the left eye and I could still see. But once they covered the right eye and cut the flap on the left I was left with no eyes. I still had some vague vision with the flaps cut, but once he lifted them up to work under it then it was weird. It was weird feeling him poke around my eye trying to gently pull up the flap of cornea. The left eye though, I guess didn't suction at the right place for the laser to work. Both docs gave their opinion about that decided together it needed to be moved. They suctioned that eye three times. Finally got it to a place they both agreed it would work with the laser. I like second opinions. My doc techinically cant do the procedure cuz he can't do laser work in UT cuz he's not licensed for UT I guess. So he was just coaching, helping teach, and giving his opinion of his patient while the other doc actually did the work. I think I knew what it felt like to be like Brent for a bit. One concept I didn't think would be an issue was when one eye was covered and the other was being worked on so it eventually went dark and they sit there and tell you to keep your eyes open and hold still... how do you tell if your eyes are really open when you cant see anything either way? Like if a tree falls in the woods and no one was around to see it, did it really fall? I dunno.. I had to consciously think if my eyes were open. Of course they put some device on the eye they are lasering to make sure it stays open the whole time. I was still trying to blink, so I'm sure my eyelids were all twitching on top of that device trying to come down... Meanwhile, I didn't really say one word to them while in there. I was sold rock. I gripped that teddy bear and was freezing and I didn't move an inch the whole time I swear. Its like on roller coasters for me, if I scream I'm having fun, but if I don't make one sound then I'm scared to death and holding on for dear life. They asked me how I was doing every once in awhile. I dont really recall answering them much. I'd say okay if my eyes werent attached to one of the laser machines. They all coached the holding still, like a statute, don't move at all, during the lasers 30 seconds, but they didn't have to worry much about that. I'm pritti sure I wasn't even breathing, let alone thinkin of moving. I wasn't gonna move even if they asked me to. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I definitely wasn't breathing when my eyes were attached so in between machines I would let out a breath. I think they got the hint that I was freaking out. I'm pritti sure I didn't breath or move during most of that procedure, luckily, it wasn't that long. So much for the Valium huh? Maybe I needed two. But when they were done and she ripped my eyelashes out they said I could sit up before standing up. It was weird going from a laying position to sitting, but thas like normal when anyone gets up, but they asked if I could walk. I didnt see why not. So I got up and walked back to the room so they could check my eyes with the microscope thing again. I only stumbled once. I think if I had taken two valium I would have been worse. They both looked at my eyes and said it looked good. Because they had to suction the left eye three times it had a big ol' red, bloody ring around it. You can see how wide they opened the eye to get such a big ring. The nurse lady, a nicer one, taped these things over my eyes so I wouldn't bump them. They made sure I had my meds and we went out to me Mum. He mentioned that I would want one of the meds before I got home cuz my eyes would be 'burning, itchy, or stinging' for the next four hours and the numbing drops would wear off in the next 10 minutes (before getting home). I'm getting used to anything that Dr. Barnes says not coming true. I didn't have any 'burning, itching, or stinging' for the next four hours. I didnt feel any pain at all, can't even call it discomfort really. I felt fine. Kinda glad I didnt spend $500 on medications for pain if I didn't have any pain. Dr. gave me a play by play of what happens with the surgery and I dont know if I juss didnt know it happened or happened so fast or something, but I think something was missing from the verison I was told and what happened. Either way I feel slightly deceived by all of this. What he says vs. what really happens. He called me that night to see how the pain was and I told him I wasn't in any pain. He was really surprised. He said of the 15,500 cases he did only like 100 of those patients didnt have pain after surgery, some even after PRK surgery (more painful than what I did). The doc himself didnt have as high prescription as I and went home in pain. I'm one of the lucky ones. The only pain I got was when I put the medicine he got for me in my eyes. But the more medicine I put in the less it hurts. But some of those drops are thick and milky like, like glue. Ew. Hurts to try and blink out. He also said it would be all blurry for awhile, but I dont think he really knows the definition of blurry. Cuz I mean, when I think of blurry I'm thinking like -9 blurry and juss seeing blobs, not even outlines of people, but the only 'blur' I got was just a haze over everything like looking through dirty glass. There were still outlines and details there. They said I would see halos and glares at night too. I'm not sure what the definition of those are either. I see the center of headlights clear and like a sunburst around the rest of the headlight, is that a halo? And isn't a glare when something reflects off of light and theres not a lot of light at night to reflect off of other things is there? Confused. Anyways! Mum wouldnt let me drive the next day to the doc. The doc says most people feel good enough to drive into their appointment the next day. So instead of me getting there by myself and on time, we ended up taking the van full of kids so Min could go to work and Claine was at drill. Unfortunately, with Mothers luck with cars, the van broke down like five times on the way to the doc. We stopped and started the car each time and got as far as we could before it went out again. We finally coasted into the hospital parking lot and I just walked the rest of the way. The appointment was at noon and we were already going to be late leaving at like 11:50am, so I showed up like 15-20 after noon. He called me just as I entered the office. I think he had one more patient after me so he still had to wait. I told him my car broke down. (The serpentine belt died on the van apparently) We checked out my eyes. He wanted to see how the blood spots were doing, if the flap settled down on the rest of the cornea just fine seeing how they had to take so much off the flap has to adjust to the missing area, and he wanted to see how well I could see in each eye. I covered my right eye and could see the letter chart thing like perfectly. He asked what line I could read and I said the second to last and he says "really?" like he's surprised. (He's been surprised by me and my eyes since day one) I spouted out the second to last line of letters perfectlly. It was awesome. 20/20 in my left eye and that eye was my "bad" eye! My left was like -9 with stigmatism and I always kinda relied on my right eye when putting in contacts or without them. I don't think I've even been able to say that line perfectly like that, ever, in my entire life, even with contacts/glasses. Maybe, I dunno. Technically I bet I can see better than mom right now and she's the one that didnt let me drive. The right eye only at 20/40 right now and that was my "good" eye at -5 something I think. Oy. But I can totally see the difference, I can tell that my 'good' eye has switched sides and its kinda weird. I'm used my right hand doing all the work and the right eye catching up and following along, but now my dominant eye is my left and I have to turn my head a long ways to see something I really want to focus on, ya know? Its weird, but hopefully the right eye will catch up and focus in time after it heals some more. It was only the day after surgery, things can change right? I hope so. Give it time. The lady at the surgery place said she likes doing lasik to patients with prescriptions that are high like mine. She finds it more rewarding that way. The doc said he usually sees them after a week, but he wanted to see me Tues to see how it was healing b/c my prescription was so high. So I think I have just one last appointment. I'm only super freaked out now that the flap will come open if I let my eyes get too dry. Esp at night when I have them closed and dry for hours and try to open them in the morning. The only discomft I feel is like theres a dry contact in there and that makes me want to squeez my eyelids and move it around, but its not even that bad that I'm really tempted to do that. I saw a guy at church the other day with glasses and he lifted them up and rubbed his eyes. I was so jealous. For two weeks I could lift up my glasses and rub my eyes, but I cant do that for awhile now. Now I just have random questions in my head like "cuz they severed the nerves there on the cornea when cutting it, does that tell my eyes not to cry so I cant cry even if I wanted to? cuz ya know its that time of month were I cry at everything..." and basics like "if I cry does the salt from my tears sting the open wound in my eyes?" and "how long til I can actually wipe/wash off the milky gup off my eyes/eyelashes?" and "when is it safe to be able to rub my eyes like a normal person?" and "how does going to the gym/exercising effect my eyes? why cant I do that again?" and then theres the neverending command of "Stop touching your eyes/face!" so many germs, trying to protect from any infections. Meanwhile, I thought Mum was annoying with her stipulations of what I can and can't do after surgery. Turns out, Evan is much much worse. Mother is juss glad I dont do what dad does on drugs like get totally loopy and/or OD on stuff, or take others medications or neglect that body part after surgery and at least do what the doc says in part, at least! Evan came over and brought me flowers and chocolates and told me not to read my texts, not even look at my phone, not look at the TV or a piece of paper with writing on it. Might as well close my eyes and go back to complete darkness the rest of my life. I mean the first day or two maybe sure I can handle that bossiness, but its post-op here and if I can drive to my appointments the next day I think day three is fine to watch tv and read. I'm pritti sure, almost positive, they do the Lasik procedure so you can USE YOUR EYEBALLS! He's a weirdo. He gets 'mad' at me for driving in the rain or dark, for watching movies in the dark, for reading and/or going to work and looking at the screen, texting/looking at my phone, yet he wants/invites me to come over in the dark, wants me to watch movies with him in the dark, and texts me expecting an answer etc. He says if I go blind using my eyeballs after surgery he'll say I told you so. Does that really make sense to anyone? |
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| Undercover Lover (21) |
| by xxdanixx on Apr 14, 2013 @ 10:07PM PDT |
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I won a contast with this poem UNDERCOVER LOVER This has gone on far to long Somedays you'r here others you're gone Lost somewhere between friend and lover But you kept it hidden, a life undercover I should of known I should of just left you alone Played me like a fool Didn't think you could be so cruel You say it's all my fault Your judgement is wrong but wins by default Thought you knew me better I guess you're not that clever I'm done with trying Always thinking I'm lying Not like you cared anyway No longer will my love be displayed I thought you could prove to me that not all guys are the same But you did just the opposite, I have only myself to blame Your true colors came out And I guess I never really had a doubt I loved you so But now I have to let go I don't understand how I was so blind This is not the first time I find myself in a love crime |
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| What am I doing? (21) |
| by xxdanixx on Apr 14, 2013 @ 8:51PM PDT |
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I never thought of myself to be a "bad" person, I have always tired my best to be kind to people, to help them, to treat others how I would want them to treat me, and yes a lot of those times it has bitten me in the ass, I have been taken atvantage of plenty of times. But I guess I have been wrong, YES! I am back to taking about "the gratifying direction" and most of you wont know what that means, but if you have read my other posts and poems you would know, not that I care, not like anyone really reads this, its more for me then anything, this is my way of letting it all out, letting go of the pain before it consusmes me. I feel like I just don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I have lost myself and I don't know how to get myself back, I should be happy, I should not feel like this everyday, this is not normal, I am not normal. All I do is work, and go to the gym, I have totally removed myself form my friends, they don't want me around anyway no one dose. Why would they? I have nothing to offer. He was right, hes always right, sometimes I wish I had just died last summer, I was ready to let go, I was so sick and so sick of doctors and hospitals.. Was this God's idea of a sick joke? Here Elle I'm giving you a 2nd chance, but your life is going to suck. I'm going to make sure you live thru you sickness just to have your heart broken its going to be alll your fault because you are and always will be a stupid c u next tuesday. That's right keep messing up, that's one thing you'll always be good at, No man is ever going to love you, They can't stand you, your just annoying. Flashback sotry time Well it's not reeally a flashback but here i'll tell you all a little story, but before that , He always used to say how quite I was, how I never really talked but when I woould talk I felt like he wwas neer really listening, that he thought whatever I had to say had no meaning because I'm stupid in his eyes, but I really am pretty freaking dumb, Anyway, After he lost his job, he called me and I had just gotten out of work so he asked me to come over so I ran home changed and rushed over, I expectd him to not be in the best mood and I didn't balme him, but I wish he didn't take that anger out of me but he did, I don't think he meant to be so mean to me but he was pretty me an but then again I could be totally wrong, because I am a female, and things that upset me should not upset me, My feelings are not important . He asked me to make him food, so the next day I rished to the super market and made him a huge tub of his favorite meal and homemade cookies,. I deserved it, I'm so stupid. he probably wont even remember, I am such a klutz and I don't mean to but I drop things, walk into things, spill things, I try not too and I try to watch what I'm doing but even with that I still have accidents, so I think it was the ashtry or something that I knocked over and he got upset with me I said i was sorry then he said how many fucking times do I have to tell you, don't say sorry, sorry dosen't mean anything just stop what your doing so you dont have to say sorry. or something like that, then a few mins later something else happen I can't remember exacrly what what it was but again I said sorry and he went off again, what the fuck did I just tell you, don't quote me but he did cuss a lot and well I deserved it, I don't pay enough attention, and he was just upset about his job, this was months ago. It has no meaning now, just need to get it out of me, Theres more to this story too, both nights I slept over, I cried, I hide it well tho, he had no clue, He was playing his games and I just rolled over in the bed and cired, I can be totally slient, growing up as a child I was always yelled at and screamed at and if I cired they would yell more I was even beaten a few times, so if I try I can be 100% slient, but also I even cired when we started getting fresh, again I hide it well it made an exuse I said my eyes were just watering cause I was chokeing, not that he noticed or anything. I look back at that now and see how stupid it is, how stupid I am I should of just let him knew I was upset, but I didn't want to bother him, he had just lost his job he didnt need my stupid nonsense. I cried mostly cause when I reached out to touch him to hold him he pushed me away, even now my eyes tear up when I think of this. One week, its been a whole week we havent spoken, to go from everyday, to nothing it hurts, we used to be so close, we would tell eachother everything, not anymore, and it all my fault. why do I always do this? I force people out of my life. I cause all these problmes for myself. I don't even know how or way and by the time I kinda notice it it's too late. Some people are meant to be on their own, I am one of those people. I am not cut out to be soical, to be loved. You guys have no clue who I am anyway. You don't know who these people a |
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| For once the stars fell into perfect alignment (22) |
| by archangelafr on Apr 13, 2013 @ 11:17PM PDT |
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I don't think I could have harbored any more dread into one event... lord knows I could have tried. Two weeks of work on it, and one cracked head reformed later, my car fucking works again. I can't let out the sigh of relief just yet, but for once I feel like an auto repair shop didn't bend me straight over and fuck me. They said 1200, they charged 1200. I get down on life often, but this was one of those times where I just felt like I won one. Against who, I dunno. Kayla is bringing me to GenCon. I'm going as the only video game character who is not Mario I could pull off, Robert Richards AKA Bob from Tekken. Buy a red T-shirt, suspenders, a pair of black biker gloves, and blonde wig. Count me in. Maybe I could be part of the tekken live action battle players. Injustice: Gods Among Us comes out in 2 days. They have Nightwing, Cyborg, and Raven in as playable characters. Everyone on Earth is bitching that it's not TT animated series Raven. Instead it's taken over by Trigon, Raven. I'm going to enjoy the crap outta her. Her super move is sucking the opponent into another dimension and summoning Trigon to fire eye lazers at them. That's damn cool in my book. Oddly enough Tara Strong is the voice of Harley Quinn in the game. They had ample chance to use her to voice Raven. Still got a lot to enjoy. Deathstroke, Joker, Bane, Solomon Grundy, and Doomsday are all playable characters in this. They managed to gather up almost all of my favorite DC villians. They add Red Hood to this and I may not play a single hero in the whole roster. Hype of this game is reaching epic levels. I hope it lives up to it. I may actually pick up THG when I have the money. Check that. If I could find the time, and the money. Where does it go? Between work, finding better jobs, Injustice, and working out the finishing touches on Marriage, I shall be quite the busy bee. Or I could just "borrow" them at Barnes and Nobles like I did the last book series I had suggested to me. Why would they put those chairs all over the place if they didn't expect you to sit and read them? Wanted: Need more friends who read cool books and plays card games. I'll buy the pizza when we hang out. Hope you like Papa John's. |
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| Eastern Easter Adventure Time! (34) |
| by archangelafr on Apr 13, 2013 @ 9:40AM PDT |
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I love my parents to death. I really miss them and four days back East was a breath of fresh air. A breath of COLD, fresh, air. I had it too well over here and now remember what it's like to be cold. Gas is also about a quarter more per gallon. And that bed was like sleeping on a bed of nails. So much I lost from home, but if I could play those games with people like I did at home I'd be happy forever. But my God I let go and ate the shit out of everything. That's a baaaaaad idea. Gotta get back into the habit of not eating out every day. Back to work, with car behind me, and a new track. To get the hell out of there and a new job. I am like two years late to the party, but I finally watched The Hunger Games. It is like Battle Royal meets The Running Man. Part I didn't quite understand about was with all the magic, Bowser, fireball cannons the game masters had and the stupid genetically/cyber created dog monsters. Those Fireballs were the worst. I would have bought that they sent in something to keep the game going, much like the Stalkers from The Running Man, or that there could be perhaps military agents around to make sure they didn't try to escape, but those two things were just too much. The fashion involved with the world of THG was hillarious. Everyone looked like what the two robbers in Les Miserables looked like. Of course my favorite character wasn't any main characters. Though Katniss was a damn good character. I went in with low bar expectations and the movie jumped over them with a long bit to spare. My favorite character was the mentor character played by Woody Harrelson and also the game announcers got me to laugh a bunch. Then the tragic character of Rue added an element to the movie it needed. I don't want to spoil the next part for me. I like to think that Katniss was playing the game more then actually getting romantically involved with the other district 12 tribute. Nothing says she can't be attached to this guy, but I would find it more clever that way. Guess I'll have to wait to see. |
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| friday morning. (25) |
| by marijane on Apr 12, 2013 @ 10:45AM PDT |
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it is the start of my 3 day weekend! im sipping coffee. cant seem to get motivated to do much of anything besides make an awesome french toast and fried banana breakfast. its cloudy outside today, of course, on my day off, the sun is not shining. i really need to get some sort of a workout in today but i havent even put pants on yet. i may just take a nap, its been at least an hour since i woke up. my paycheck was supposed to be direct deposited today but it wasnt. so annoying. now i have to go to work to pick it up. but it may be a good excuse to walk on the beach even if it is cloudy. had a moment of weakness last night. my relationship with neil is over. i know its for the better. i literally feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. but there is times where im feeling lonely and wish he were still there for me. i really am happy about not wasting time with someone i know im not ever really going to be with. its just a bummer that he seems indifferent about it. isnt that how it always goes? i will get over it, obviously. i just had too many glasses of wine last night and got upset about it. eh. |
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