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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

Love,

 

Scott

 

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Recent Posts

 
My Third Doctor. (4)
Then suddenly it happened. I felt better. I don't believe in moments and I cant stand notions of fate. Inevitability is an entirely different matter. Being alright with it is another. That is something you can't teach, you can only learn it through your body by chance circumstance. A drive in your old neighborhood, a walk in the quiet place you love to take your dog, a kiss, whatever it be. Thoughts they come and go and reform and go again. I don't know what happiness is, but I know that this feeling is closest its ever been. And out of nowhere.Im only being logical here, and I thank you for healing my sick self. Pain oh pain Gibran says.

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[137] Just Wasn't Stable (20)
Hey Diary.
 
So rememeber last month when I wasfreaking out about taking my GED and worried I'd fail? Well, I didn't! I got it and I actually passed by a decent margin.
 
I haven't written here since then because the last 30 days have moved by in a blur. I had to do a bunch of stuff to register for school and picking out classes, my degree options, etc. etc. but it's all done and I'm finally, officially a college student ^.^
I've also been pushing hard on the weight loss front. I'm almost 70 lbs down. I had to go shopping for new clothes since none of my old ones fit me right anymore. I've gone down almost 6 pants sizes. I used to have to wear a 2X shirt now I'm in a large. I've never felt more confident about myself or my body.
Not to mention I've been baking a lot more and actually getting more people who want me to cater their parties. Things have been going rather well for me.
I'm moving next month - I hate that I've been forced to do it so often (like 10 times in the past 5 years) but this should be the last time for a while. I'm actually excited, too, because I'll be my first actual time renting a house of our own. Like no family, just us.
I have my big trip in 2 weeks to see all my online friends. I wonder how surprised they'll be to see the new me. To be honest, I'm surprised when I look in the mirror.
Until next time,
 
 
!!_//

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Swing it like Tiger woods (38)
Moods Swings like Tiger wood. Yesterday was silence day, today was blowjob day. I'll never understand that woman, but i love her.

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la chica del padres (44)
i am attracted to you because you're unavailable. i love unavailable men. that's just one of the many reasons i must stop longing for you, such as:

you don't care about me;
you still love your last love;
i am simply there.
you think you can manipulate me;
you believe i still like you;
i must prove you wrong.
you took advantage of me,
you avoided me,
you broke me,
you look down on me,
you pity me?
i pity you.
i can't make you forget her.

you'll live with the idealist view of her, the one that still cares about you. as for me, i won't care about you anymore, but i wonder...do they know?
this won't happen again.
 

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Repetative whore (27)
Well i did a lot of shit this spring and i flirted with a lot of women. Fact is, that my wife finds now out all bout this.
Yesterday we had another fight about this. This time it was some clerk girl which i flirted with on a party in February. We just looked at each other, no talking touching, whatnot. Now past is destroying my actual happy present. And it's all my fault, fuck yes. Whore is me. That what she called me yesterday...

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Father's Day 2017 (25)
Well, fathers day now passend and i have to say i had a very nice one. My eldest son bought me an Oscar Figurine with 'best Dad of the World' written on it, the little printed on some working gloves his handprints for me in kindergarden and with my wife he made some sweet fotos and they framed it. I'm actually probably the hardest person to get a gift for - but these hit it all. Thank you family. Usually the fathers here in Germany go on a walk with beer and friends, get drunk over the day and party.
I preferred to stay at home with my family and spent some time with the little one. We build a rope ladder for his treehouse, had some small lumber still there, so we carved the bark off, drilled some holes and used some rope to build the thing. It came out quite good and now he has 5 rungs to train his climbing abilities. I'm quite proud of myself in moments like this and im happy to create something with my kids. Later on the eldest one had problems with his motorbike and we had to check the carburator and finally found the error. We did it :) 10 Years ago i wouldnt have the patience for this. Patience is something i really didnt learn at home when i was a kid, so im glad i found that now. With the summery weather we chilled in the garden, filled up the little plastic pool with water and just relaxed. My wife made a nice Pasta Sald for the barbecue. Everything felt so easy, i loved the day. No worries, stress or uncomfortable situations. Way better then getting pissed with your pals.
Family rocks.
Now im sitting on work and i'll just get over the day. Love coming back here and make finally a positive entry.

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1398 (368)
 
Griffin Daniel Talamante
Born Monday, May 22, 2017 at 5:29pm
8 lbs 2 ounces
20.5 in length
 
Currently, he's still being induced at this time... 
But he will soon arrive!
 
My last chance to experience the joys and miracle of birth as much as I possibly can without actually giving birth myself. 
Most childless people don't get to see what they are missing in life.  
I can't decide if knowing/somewhat experiencing what may not happen to me is a good thing or a bad thing.
A bitter sweet thing.  Double edge sword. 
I mean, sure there's the pain and agony of giving birth, but there's also the elated joy and bonding that comes with it also.  
Neither of which I may ever experience myself in this life. 
I've witnessed six births in my lifetime. Scott, Cole, Sara, Mitchell, Nicholas, Griffin
Update: 
First I can't tell you how much better I feel now that that baby boy is in finally in the world.  
Arthur and I felt so helpless this whole time and now I, at least, feel like I can do anything and everything again.  I'm free!
 
I didn't realize it stressed me out so much to see her like that until it was over. 

But it still makes me mad how easy it is for her.  
The baby like just slid out really.  I might call it two pushes, but it was moreso the resident telling her not to push, saying "Stop, slow down, not so much, little tiny pushes at a time"  as he was trying to reposition the baby and PULL him out...  Ugh.  
Griffin came out face down which none of her others did. But not a big deal.  
"Labor" is like 10 minutes for her MAYBE.  
The resident and doc said, "You did great."  
Unsure if they should give her so much credit... and with surprise that it was so fast.  

But her heaviest one at 8lbs 2ounces. 20.5 long

With it being so easy at birth maybe she can pop one out for me. 

At this point it seems the only way I'll get one.... 

But the 10 minutes of pain at birth verses the 9 months of agony,
I'm not sure which she'd rather have.

I was a baby hog and picture hog at the hospital.

Arthur asked me "if I wanted one", a baby I assumed, and I looked at him like he was dumb as it was clearly written all over my face that I did as I slinked away with his baby. 

You dont know how bad you want something until you can't have it. 

I would never admit this to strangers, of course, it hurts less to just say you dont want one. 

But deep inside of me begs the question

How do you feel complete in this life without marriage and family?

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Growing eternity (25)
Kristina was at her therapist today and she suggested, that we make a couple therapy. Due to im obviously the reason she is not happy what other chance do i have as agree to that? I guess i'll try it just for her good. Iam happy with my life -mostly- except the money issues and the struggle with the kids i have to say i love it. I closed with my drunk mother, i'm over the death of my drunk dad and i know nowadays, that i'm not that idiot he called me. That i can do everything i try. Even if i have to try three time, at one point i can do it. I never carpentered a Stairway, so i tried and did it. My eldest Son is walking it everyday.
Whats happing sometimes, is that im afraif of having self-esteem - so i give up sometimes before even trying. It's easy to say that is because my parents raised me like that, but on the other hand: im grown up now and i should just do it. So i accept, that im lazy sometimes ;)
Since 10 Years im not talking or writing in english anymore regularly so i can't type as much as i was used to. This is another reason i like to come back here lately so often: it's my place and i can write in english again. Im trying to encourage my kids, to everything they are doing. Yannik had an American Football Game yesterday and we were there, watching. I totally have no clue how that game is played (in Germany this is an exotic game) but it was good to see him play and go onto the Enemy. In a few months he's becoming an electrician, he grew up so fast. Nearly an adult now. And i try to support him and kick his ass. I think this is the mixture.
As i can remember, my parents thought in the age of 13 i was old enough just to grow up the rest for myself, which i did and it took me a long way: 27 Years and im free from all the old dust my family tried to cover me into a scheme of what i should have been, this and that and this was not right, that not enough.
With my wife it's the same: she is trying to make me better, different and more like she thinks i should be. I don't know why Kristina thinks this is something possible to do: i won't change, because im ok with who i am. Well i guess there will be always someone not satisfied with the person you are.
After all i think it will be worth the effort and participate on her therapy, if she maybe realises, that se just has to be ok with herself, get finally over her mother's death and appreciate, what a wonderful life we actually have, that she doesnt need to waste money for junk and clothes and even more toys for the little one, because he's okay wth just playing with the shovel in the mud, if she just will lower her cellphone when i try to make conversation with her, maybe she will love herself again. I hope so.
Justus helped me a lot finding out more about myself and my behavior. It is how they say, that you grow with your tasks. And having a Baby and see how it grows up is a heard but wonderful task which will teach you more about life then anything else. The is no drug opening your mind or heart or feeling more then the love of your child. I realised, that i don't have to own anything, because you take nothing with you into the grave. But your children, they will stay back and you are not wasted in ashes, because your mind will probably live on in your kids. Even if youre just a pale memory after a while. You can go one day with an open mind and a heartful of love and leave this circus here.
Hell yes, maybe i should tell this at the therapy, but i don't think so.
Am i just a sociopath or is everybody else thinking secretly stuff they don't tell the others around?
Thats enough for today.

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Untitled (216)
I know what is there
I know the love
Waiting
In your chest
A fist
Ready to unclench 

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[972] gotta get better (169)
okay so like
i'm tired of this fight and this conversation and going in circles about the same thing, repeatedly. like fuck, i wish i turned off message tracking so neither of us could see it and i'm sorry i didn't do it sooner because i bet anything if i had, it would be fine and you would have no idea and nobody would be saying shit. 
but i didn't and wow surprise karma comes back to bite you in the ass. good lesson for me to learn i guess but fucking christ. 
and yeah here is the problem: i think you're wrong about this and i'm not trying to gaslight you or try and convince you that you're crazy but i think you ARE oversensitive about this specific issue and i don't think that continuing to chew on it is going to help anybody and especially not us so can we just like, let it go? great, she doesn't care about your characters, guess what, i don't fucking either half the time, but i don't say that to you and technically, neither has she. 
i'm just tired and i want to sleep and have date night without worrying that like, disagreeing is going to get me nailed to the wall. i love everything about you but this sure as shit is your worse trait. 
like fuck i don't know what to say? yeah, she felt pushed out of your plots because so did everyone? we literally talked about this two weeks ago?? i'm sorry i can't condemn her for this because??? i didn't say you were fucking WRONG i just said that like maybe the truth is somewhere in between because it fucking is because everyone handled this situation poorly and like, i don't know, a modicum of fucking compassion or grace would go a long way
but sure we can keep going down this path and that's fine but i'm going to bed right now because i don't want to deal with it
okay good night
(i still love you but man oh man am i starting to realize why relationships are hard sometimes and this might be the first time i don't LIKE you)

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Choppin Wood (23)
Well yesterdays was a long day, returned home from work - which is pissing me off lately a lot. At Home my Wife was stressed out with Justus and his friend. Those two are very cheeky together and listen to shit :) So they were duelling each other with wooden swords in the end and they both got hit bad on their fingers. Everythings still in place, the cried, then it was OK.
Sometimes Boys need to be boys, Kristina doesn't understand that. I Guess this is why Yannik (our big one, hes 16 now) is so soft sometimes. I'm a dinosaur, old fashioned and plump mostly. Yannik met me first, when he was 8 so he was mostly raised by his mother. He call's me dad though since some years and i adopted him. He's my kin but well, hes totally into styling and bodygym and stuff like that, not chopping wood. I think thats ok, but sometimes im a bit disappointed, that he is nor more like me. Love him, though.
After some sunny days it's raining again and i realise, that this is getting deeply on my mood. it all mixes up with concerns about money. Im really afraid of not being able to pay the mortgage anymore. Kristina is blowing out the money faster as i can bring it in. Well, luxury problem i guess.
10-15 Years ago i totally was into writing, after reading my old poems i have to say i still like them. And i envy my younger self to have been so expressive. Now i don't have that expression anymore, i got more realistic and used to hush through the routine. I dont linger in the moment anymore, maybe it's because i dont do drugs anymore, who knows. What i really want to do is write a childrens book. I thought about it since i met yannik 8 years ago. But i just dont have the creative strenght to start with it. Too much family business, to much work, to many concerns. I read on the other day, that someone recently wrote here on sitd, that she's always coming back when she feels lonely. I agree to that. I return here often to be lonely, to have my quiet place where i can hear my thoughs and write them down.
 
 

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[136] Break Down (76)
So I'm posting again - in less than a month. No, it's not a holiday or my birthday. :P
 
I'm hella nervous. Part of my whole year of improvement means I had to make a doctor's appointment to fix a few issues I've had for a while on top of...the appointment to take my GED test. Yup.
So of course I'm freaking out and my anxiety is fucking with me. I hate it. I wish I could be normal and not have my own mind try and drive me crazy. -_-
 
I'm just worried because if I fail this test, it'll severely set me back. I need to pass it so I can move forward with my life and be where I need to be. Where I want to be.
And I've studied a shit ton. I've taken every practice test and gotten in the 80th percentile (you only need 70th to pass) but I still feel nervous. And I wish I could just not.
jivfpvpjvjvoaajofvjopa
 
Wish me luck, I guess.

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getting up (28)
Well, Justus is now getting up in the morning by himsel. Weaponed with a flashlight and his Teddy.
I'm very proud :)

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Summer (30)
It is quite strange how often i return here the last weeks. I remember the active days on sitd, when i was online here for hours in a row stumbling upon the diaries. Is it just me, or is the random function not working anymore?
Last evening my wife had to face the fact, that we are nearly bankrupt. Thats not anything new, but i made my point and it seems that our holidaytrip is not gonna happen (and it was just a few days in a rented appartment, low budget at the lowest budget price)
Sure, there is everything else we need in our lives like electricity, food, water, gas and and and. But im not able to afford a fucking tshirt (from society6.com, nice stuff there) which is driving me mad. I actually earn quite good money and she is aswell, but somehow were spending over our standards, way to much. More her then me, so yeah, i think im just gonna turn 40 this year and will not be able to celebrate because im always blank with the cash. Fucking shit.
This is actually the only thing going wrong atm. I know i should be grateful, which i really am, but this is a hassle.
Renovations should be done: no money, need new shoes: no money. Well what the heck. Fuck that shit.
Oh did i mention, that im gonna organize a summer holiday camp for the kids of our village and the city next to us this year? We expect about 50-70 kids and the whole camp thingy will be a reboot. Its just camping, fire, fun and weird stuff like sand castle competition, were gonna build a pool out of palettes and all these things, the kids see maybe on facebook but never gonna build it anyway, bcause our times are too busy for this.
A nice side effect is, that the kids which live door to door will get to know each other, no tv, rarely internet. Gonna see how it goes :)
 

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11:34am (31)
I always thought i would end up in the US. Starting in the 80s, when i watched all those cool Action or Highschool movies. I loves the Goonies and i thought, one day i will be living in the US, there will be a cool kitchen, where my mom prepares the peanut butter sandwiches (even though i never ever tried peanut butter until i was 20 or so). And then im going out and ride on my Skateboard to the Bus Stop and take a ride into school.
Later on i would play baseball and meet a Girl like Jennifer Grey, which i totally impress with my College Jacket and my abilities to dacne like Kevin Bacon in 'Footloose'.
I would have all the Star Wars Toys, they Showed in 'Joey' even the rare ones, which you couldnt get in Germany in the 80s. I would just be a Rockstar, because i live in the US. I could get all the comics i wanted and order that crazy shit they advertised in it. I would have a gun! Wow, hell yes and i could go to the river in the sunny afternoon, jump from a rope into the cold water and relax on a skiff, while smoking a spliff...
Hell yes, the US were paradise for me when i was a kid / teenager. Not anymore, but i still get that feeling when i watch one of the old movies. I watched Ghostbusters yesterday. And there i was again. That feeling how great it would be to be American - listening to Springsteen and wear the Levis 501 (which i actually still do since i was 13), put on my engineer Boots and hop onto my Indian Motorbike, fucking establishment and just leave up to Adventureland.
Nowadays, the Legends are Dead. There is no Springsteen in Kanye West and no Levis anymore. No Goondocks and no Patrick Swayze in 'Red Dawn'. No Skateboard in Back to the Future and There is no Schwarzenegger or Stallone anymore fighting evil.
CSI is not building up legends.
And there is no point in this entry - except my nostalgic mood.
I hope for my kids, that they will find there own legends, which will build them up in ways, parents can't do.
But hey, i also always wished to go to Canada and build a Log Cabin, Chopping my own Lumber and hunt my food. Maybe i can still do that when im 50 ;-)
Be Well

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1397 (107)
 
"Don't assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can.  If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient."  -Jeffrey Holland
 
"When you find yourself losing patience with God, just remember how patient He has been with you." 
 
"I have not failed.  I have found 1,400 ways in which it won't work."  -Thomas Edison
 
"Anticipating that life will deal you the worst every single day doesn't make you more mature or more realistic, it just makes you no fun to be around ."
 
"Be Happy"  by Hank Smith
Some of this book about patience and posivity just seems to scream at my sister and the boss...
I kinda want to throw this book at them. Maybe hitting them with the happy book will make them happy? mwhaha "Stop hitting your sister!"  "I'm trying to make her happy!"  Is that not how you 'apply' these principles?  jk 
 
 

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Was immer Du denkst... (34)
Lately i was confused, but now i realised. Everything is getting in shape: Women for their bikinis, politicians for their lies at the election (i live in Germany), terrorists for their next attacks, cows for the fresh milk and nature with spring to ressurect from the dripping winter.
Justus is growing up fast, he is a wild child and i totally agree with his soul and his power to explore, search and destroy, create and cry. Dance and sing. Awesome.
Yannik is playing american football since a year which is quite exotic here in Germany, he likes it a lot and is totally happy with that. Old enough to grow a beard now and is starting to work as an electrician in September. Time is slipping through our brains and leaves nothing but emotions and memories.
Kristina is getting more calm and not so angry at everything, i think we're getting closer again and thats good.
And for me? i re-learn to reflect again. Thats not too bad for the beginning.

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[135] Real Me, Inside (59)
Heya, Sit Diary!
So things have been going great lately (which is also probably why I haven't updated in a long while - I've been too busy!)
 
I've lost about 50 lbs so far. I'm really glad that my dieting/hard work has been paying off. I told myself I'd get fit before my 25th birthday and it looks like I'll hit my goal by then.
I've been studying a lot and am prepared to take my GED soon. I'm nervous but I feel like I know enough to pass. If I do, I'll be starting school in June/July so that'll be fun. I'll finally be a college student, woot!
 
I've also been making more money at work which has really helped my morale and general ability to buy fun/nice things, so that's exciting too.
I can't really complain about much, just stupid anxiety hitting me every now and then. But I'm doing my best to combat it little by little.
I've been focusing on baking and stuff like that. I've been getting more people asking me to do things for their parties. Oh, and I'm almost done writing my next book! See, I said busy! :P
 
I really want to update here more. This diary holds a special place in my heart. I never thought I'd be updating it over 10 years later (from when I first started it) but sometimes it's fun to read old entries and see how much I've changed/grown. I'll continue to do so and maybe I can look back and be proud of myself. I'm starting to get that feeling, I just want it to be fully realized.
 
Someday soon.
 
 
<3

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Beyond the Sea (250)
 
I've decided to have a bit of fun with my colour scheme, as the brown - whilst one of my favourite colours and reminiscent of the best of the seasons, autumn - has been unchanged for years, and I felt like trying a brighter update.
 
It's a bit day-glo for me, but I'm trying to expand my comfort zone slightly. Plus, sea blues and greens and beach themes feel peaceful to me. I need as much serenity as I can get. 
It was also very grey today, as it's been for some days, so maybe this will speed the sun's return.
 
I've a busy week ahead, and I'm wondering how I'm going to accomplish everything I need to. In addition to tidying and sorting everything from the move, I've also got commissions for a tattoo design and a flood of mini felt foods (which I design and hand-stitch). I love working on these art projects, I just don't always know where to start. Where the tidying is concerned, I just own too many things! I've done a fair job of collecting a donation pile, but I'm finding I still have a long way to go in terms of reducing.
 
Speaking of which, another area I need to again focus on is losing weight. Between Dec 2016 and Dec 2017 (in fact, year almost to the day), I worked incredibly hard and lost 7st 4 (just over 100 lbs). Unfortunately, the hols ended up being a bit rough emotionally, and this year has been one of the most taxing I've ever had; I got off track and started making poorer food choices and 'found' again 1 st 6 of what I'd lost. I've resolved to correct this, and I know I'll again be successful, I just need to properly apply myself.
 
This sort of public declaration is another way of ensuring I follow suit.
 
 

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What is this? Two days in a row??? (49)
 
I'm actually posting again, and in a timely fashion. This must be madness! I'm on my phone, which I'll likely never do again because it's cumbersome, but I was in the mood to write, and at what better place than this?
 
It's blissfully quiet round here. Hunter is outside exploring our new city (which is more like a town, really, but it has aspirations, and who am I to kill dreams?), Linus is sleeping next to me on the couch, John's daughter is staying with her grandmother for some months (incredibly long story, but it's for the best), and John's at work (the only negative in this scenario). I definitely value my alone time, anyway; and I've a migraine kicking in, so the solitude is especially welcome.
 
I've been reading a book called « Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking », and I absolutely recommend it. I love to read and learn, and I've become increasingly introverted over the years. I think I've always suffered social anxiety, I just took great pains to conceal that - and to convince myself otherwise, as it were - but I'm much more comfortable these days occupying myself and vocalising my preference for keeping things low-key and/or one-to-one.
 
(I have an account on Goodreads, and I'd set a reading challenge for myself this year to finish 52 books; this is my 38th, so I'm quite ahead of schedule, but reading is one of my favourite pastimes. If you'd ever care to suggest a title or author, please do!)
 
This weekend, we plan to have a little fire in the back garden, and I'm looking forward to it. We bought some tiki torches for the deck, and John's as enthusiastic as I am to decorate with a mid-century Hawaiian/surf theme. We've got classic '40s and '50s film stars and diner décor throughout the house; but this was a seasonal residence for the prior owners (their summer home), and the location and design make it feel like we're perpetually on holiday, so why not have a little Polynesian Party atmosphere outside?
 
Our internet is going to be set up tomoz, which is almost a week earlier than originally scheduled, but I've got to tidy our living room so the technician will be able to accomplish something. We've got about 85-90% of everything put away since moving in on the 10th, but this last bit has felt interminable. We've been working so diligently for weeks, the lazy greys have set in, haha. 
 
Time to get to work!
 
 

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1394 (138)
 
" acknowledge and face your weaknesses [fears] , but don't be immobilized by them , because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life." 
-Jorg Klebingat
 
 

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Boom-Booms! (43)
 
I was looking for an account of mine on Google when this came up in the results. Yey!
 
In other news, my memory has not improved. 
 
This has been an exceptionally busy year, with April being the zenith thus far. I've just turned 34 (though sitD doesn't realise that yet. Shh.), and I had an introvert's dream of a birthday: quality time with John, a trip to the bookshop, a film at a quiet cinema, and an excess of cake (OK, that one is everyone's dream). We've moved house - literally: We bought a house, and it's half a block away from what I call our supa' fresh sea (Lake Michigan, which makes all other lakes seem like puddles. No  salt, no sharks, win win), and we can even hear the waves over Hunter's incessant teen-aged hostility!* ;)
 
Our internet isn't connected yet (they couldn't get us in for a month!), so I'm using the WiFi at Big Apple Bagels right now, & I pop to our new library when I can (though, admittedly, I get so distracted by the books I forget to go online). I've distanced myself heavily from Facebook, as I don't have the time lately, nor the patience for the influx of superficiality or reminders that Trump is president (in my head, it's peripheral at best; I try to pretend that didn't really happen when I'm feeling especially stressed). I'll try to spend my time here a bit more (where have we read that before?), as it's a much more calming influence & I'm at the point in life where I need to embrace my introversion instead of trying to conceal it.
 
I hope all of you are well out there! 
 
________
*Hunter is John's 14-year-old, who lives with us.

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Friends (73)
Well, i love my friends. Actually after a long and rocky way through life there is only my kindergarden pal left, which i know since i was 6. He's still my best friend and knows me better then everybody else.
Sometimes we meet up for a coffee or beer, so we did this morning and had a chat. He's talking into me and i'm doing the same to him. We discuss about reasonability and about cars and women.
Like that. I really appreciate that, i guess the older you get the less friends you're gonna have.
Also im grateful lately to have sitd here, i have he need to write sometimes just some thoughts and feelings off my soul.
Thanks scott for keeping this up!
 

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howl (53)
No i don't want to keep doing this. sweep me away, let me float on out of this. everything feels so heavy. i'm going to miss this buffer. it's time to let go for a bit and try something else for a change.
 
but really i'm just waiting to dissolve.
the day will come.

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1391 (401)
 
"If you can't dazzle them with brillance, baffle them with bullshit." 
-W.C. Fields
 
 
 

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the moment you said: "tonight, i will be fun", instead of: "i will have fun" (137)
as you try to piece together the series of feelings that brought you to this moment, you realize that those feelings just don’t equate the sense of shame, self-hate, and resentment you feel. by then, it’s too late to stop—you’ve already reached the moment. the moment when you’re looking at your body being used by another; the moment you’ve detached yourself from the act; the moment where you’re feeling yourself being penetrated; the moment where the friction between your legs just stopped being enjoyable; the moment you realize, it was never meant to be. you were never meant to act this way, but you’ve choreographed the play that brought you to this bed. you’ve conversed, you’ve agreed, you’ve given consent. 
yes, this was not a story of rape.  no, this is your fault.
pinned in this moment, you let him finish. meanwhile, your mind mind replays the previous moments where you could’ve stopped yourself from getting here. on repeat, you let out a calculated moan to convince yourself yourself that this is what you need. you curse your reason for not falling for it knowing damn well that somewhere during the night you lost your ability to reason. yet now you know. it came to you like a distant memory. in and out, then out again and in deeper...into your consciousness until you clearly remembered, in this moment, that you did not lose your ability to reason tonight. reason was ignored; tonight, you really needed to suppress what was raging inside your heart in any way you could. you caught the wrong feelings and those started weeks/months ago and tonight, despite your efforts, the man inside you was the wrong man at the right place, because the right man was at a girl’s place. the shame, the self-hate, the resentment...the friction, this is all your fault, but the pity, the only feeling that brought you to this moment, that was him.
 
no, i never grew up.

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1389 (186)
I ate a whole box of girl scout cookies yesterday.  Tagalongs. mmm peanut butter.
I make snide comments to myself a lot throughout the day, and yell, and complain.
I can like literally watch the sweat pour out of me.  For no apparent reason.
I know the weather is a lot warmer than it normally is in March, but this much sweat only comes a few days when I'm off the pill. 
I can't stand the feel of my skin, the sweat.
I can't let any body part touch any other part of my body because of contact of skin.
Keep my hands apart, keep material between my thighs, don't put my arms down, dont bend your elbows.  
I can't stand the smell of me either because of the sweat.
I just want to go home and scrub myself raw. 
Peel all my clothes off and wash them immediately.  As if that would stop the sweating for the night.
I can drink a lot of water when I'm off the pill though.  Between the blood loss and the sweat, I can down any drink.  Even pop.
Oh how I long to touch my phone screen without my fingers sticking.  
Oh how I long for a smooth dry swipe or texting conversation. 
Food, which usually sounds practical, is an absurd idea now. 
I love artichoke and spinach dip for some reason even though I dislike both those ingredients.  
So recently the thought of actually eating spinach or artichokes, knowing they're in such dip, makes me sick. 
There's actually spinach in there!  And artichokes!  I can taste them individually now. I can smell them in there!
And of course, speaking of smell, I can smell -everything- all the time. 
Which also doesn't help with the food idea. 
It literally comes in waves, in seconds, "Oh, that sounds good to eat." Five seconds later after a few thoughts and smells roll through my head, "Oh, I am not eating that." 
 
And this is only four days off the pill. 
Imagine if I attempted to get my body to regulate my periods by going off the pill forever. 
This is juss a precursor, a glimpse of my future if I were to become pregnant.  *shudder*
 
Happy Saint Patricks Day!
My only green shirt I have that fits me now, and isn't long sleeve to slowly kill me in this heat, is my stick figures with the caption "I didn't hit you.  I high-fived your face!" 
Beauty and the Beast comes out today!  I want to go see it so bad. 
So while you are all out getting drunk and/or partying tonight.... 
I'll be curled up in bed, groaning in pain, watching a movie and eating a tub of cookie dough I acquired for free with a recent pizza purchase (mainly because the pizza suddenly didn't sound good to eat anymore). 
Don't judge me.
 
 

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A strange place (301)
It's strange how I always come back here, just to check the place out. Like when you go back to your hometown and you drive past your childhood home. It's sad and nostalgic and reminds me of times when I was very, very stupid. 
 
But god, I made so many amazing, real connections with some amazing people that I'd never actually meet. This was the first open space in which I felt comfortable with myself. I was a weird fucking kid, and this place was full of other weird fucking kids like me, and it was the greatest thing. 
So many people I wish would see this. I have this tiny hope that I'm not the only one that comes around here every few years or so. maybe I just need a reminder that there were times when I was worse off than things seem now. I mean, being in my 30's seriously blows. It's this age of feeling like I should be successful by now, but I'm still young enough that I'm terrified by the opportunity to be a success.
 
I start an internship in Pasadena next summer (I missed the deadline for this one). Next time they send a rover to Mars or some distant moon, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the scared-looking one in the corner with the hipster Lacoste glasses.
 
Kate
 
 

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1388 (197)
 
 
"Nevertheless, She Persisted"
 
 
 
 
-A Day Without A Woman protest
 
 

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1387 (147)
 
Jair
 
"Saw you there and I thought
Oh my gosh, look at that face
You look like my next mistake"  
 
"So hey, lets be friends
I'm dying to see how this one ends" 
 
 

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[134] All Things Pass (151)
Hey.
So I'm sorry I haven't updated here in two months. I know I said I'd do daily updates but I just don't see that as likely for the time being. Maybe it'll happen again one day soon but I just don't have the time right now.
In January I went to my bi-annual convention thingy and hung out with my friends again. It was so awesome to see the online crew / my new family. I had just as much fun as I always did.
Not to mention the fact that I also became friends again with Topher / sorted that whole situation out which honestly meant the world to me. I missed his friendship more than anything and after it was resolved it was like a huge weight lifted off my chest.
 
This past event was one of my favorites/the best event ever which is good because I said if it wasn't good I wouldn't go to anymore.
 
Aside from that, I'm earning a lot more money than I used to which makes saving very easy and I can afford nice things for myself - the last 6 months were tight so it's nice to be back to a stable area.
 
In addition, on Feb 1st I decided to start dieting and working towards the body I've always wanted. As of now, less an a month later, I am 15 lbs lighter and already feeling the effects. I have no plans to stop, either. I will be fit before my 25th birthday.
Presently I'm just trying to find motivation for everything else I need to do. I really need to amp up my writing because I'm falling behind. I need to start streaming again. And I really need to further my attempts at baking as a job - like becoming a professional caterer. It's just so hard to find the drive for anything right now because I've been focusing so much on not over-eating and watching my weight. But I'll find the balance, I'm sure.
I'm in a good place mentally for the first time in a while. And I hope it lasts.
Later o/ 

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1386 (164)
 
"You have enemies?  Good.  That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life." 
- Winston Churchill 

"Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see the stream." 

"Judge one not by his charms, but by his actions."

"If you can imagine it, you can acheive it.  If you can dream it, you can become it." 
 
I've read 4 books so far this month.  On my fifth book which I'm sure I'll finish by the end of the month. It only takes a week, okay, less than a week to read like 300-400 pages. Near 2,000 pages read in all within 30 days.  Its been awhile since I've read this much.
I saw a little girl maybe 7 or 8 at the library the other day stuffing her backpack with books she checked out with her own card. I watched her utilize the library and all of its resources as if she owned the place.  I smiled proudly. I used to be like that, well, guess I still am.   I remember my library trips throughout elementary school.  I remember the "tree house" I read the Junie B. books and the Magic Treehouse books. 
I want a little girl like that of my own.  A child that reads and uses the resources around her to gain knowledge and imagination.  Children nowadays don't even know what a library is anymore, and if they do its only for the computers to play on and the DVDs they get for free.   Nobody knows about books anymore. 
I guess I don't have much to say about that since I haven't read an actual physical book in years.  I borrow ebooks from the online library and read from my phone or tablet.  
But still.  True readers are a dying breed I feel.  The ones that read a how-to book to actually learn instead of going straight to Google or youtube.  The ones that continue to read after high school and college even though they are not forced to anymore.  The ones that read a favorite classic yearly.  The ones with a room designated as their own library in their house.  The ones that pass their love of reading on to their children. 
 

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Tweaker Nation (167)
glass pipes dressed in white.
denial is the strongest drug.
he comes. he goes. he forgets. and then he knows.
fading back and forth and forth and back.
and again.
i say come back home.
the streets are a lonely place. where wolves lie in wait.
zombies. walking around speaking gibberish to themselves.
drooling curse words. and begging for change. money. that is. not real. tangible change.
welcome to tweaker nation.
north las vegas blvd is key.
he locks himself up with strangers in a room to ingest. digest. to breathe in those poisinous fumes.
he was gone 4 days the last time.
and i drank my time away. not caring.
he showed up on and off.
eyes bugged out. jaw grinding anger.
accusations of cheating. accusations of paranoia. of delusion.
all because. he loves those fumes.
chemicals.
given to him by scum that roam these streets here.
we/re in the lowest of the low.
but life is possible.
family is possible.
my riot. my shy. my ruckus.
deserve more.
more from both of us.
i drink to numb the pain.
he smokes to bring the pain.
a cycle.
a hamster wheel.
of hatred and resentment.
piling up like bones in a grave.
dug too deep.
and too wide.
but.
i will remain hopeful.
i will find my faith.
i will trust.
i will remain.
almost. tactfully. sane.
i pray for the company he keeps.
i hope he can stay clean while wandering our streets.
i can/t keep him safe all of the time.
but.
i can do my best.
i pray that this is the last.
very last.
horribly.
treacherous.
test.
 

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1385 (289)
I got hit on the other day at the store by a black man with his young son in a stroller.  
He followed me with his son and stroller around the make up section until I was alone in the aisle. 
He said I was cute.  Um, thanks?   "Do you think I'm cute, too?" 
Looking at his maybe 2 year old son in the stroller, "I think he's cuter."  
He took that as a win as I didn't say no, "He's half mine! 50% of my DNA."   He's a genius. 
He went on with the ever so flattering statement that men for some reason keep using, "If I weren't married with a kid, I'd totally go with you."   Yeah, cuz he wasn't already at that point? I wonder if that line actually works for him? 
It was somewhat flattering. Maybe I still got it.
Now, if only I could get that bold attention from men who aren't married....  
I have nothing against black or brown people, but they do seem to have some weird pull towards me. And most of them seem to think I'd be a good homewrecker or side piece of action I guess.  Somewhat of a backhanded compliement isn't it? Given most of them think I'm not of age or barely of age, being as I look younger than I am, a creepy vibe usually ensues. 
I think I'm invisible to white men.   I've always been "cute" and always will be.  Nobody has ever called me beautiful or sexy.  Just cute. 
-----------------------------------------
I love Valentines Day.  I love the hearts, the pink, the white, some of the red, some of the flowers (the idea in general is dumb), the chocolate, the teddy bears, the giant cards, the love, the dates, the expectation of a man making a plan in which men seem to hate because they know its only the pressures of society and the stores/restaurants capitalizing on their money that make this all a big deal.  
Granted, these are just ideas I've never really experienced...   I guess I like the idea of it?
"Do you love me do you want to be my friend
And if you do
Well then don't be afraid to take me by the hand
If you want to
I think this is how love goes
Check yes or no"
-George Strait : Check Yes or No
Okay, mostly I like it for the gift giving. My love language.  Adding my favorite color in there doesn't hinder either.   Arthur found a card that he felt had my name written all over it and bought it and gave it to me like the first week of Feb.  Its not hard to shop for me. Aw.  He's never really been good with surprises/secrets.  I gave my mother a "Hugs and kisses" painted blocks when I saw her on Superbowl Sunday and Braxtons 13th Bday. 
I'm thinking about giving Natalies fam a heart shaped baked cookie.  I have a coupon.  I want to make my roommate some chocolate covered strawberries.  I might attempt a fruit bouquet also.  Ideas I've stolen from the stores that capitalize on V-Day in which I don't have coupons for. 
So what do I want for Valentines Day?  My mother asked.  I told her a teddy bear I could hug at night when I go to sleep.  Sigh.  How sad is that.  My Grandma gave me my last teddy bear which I still use, but its been a few years.  But its special cuz it was from her. 
What I really want?
I just want human contact; to be touched by a human.  (another love language I respond to)
It doesn't have to be a male! Doesn't have to be single either, haha. 
I mean animals are great and usually suffice.  I had time with my parents cat over the weekend, but... I realize I haven't actually touched someone else, other than a handshake at church, for months.  I realized, recently, every time Grandma hugs me I usually end up hanging on too long.  But she lets me. I'm going to miss her smell. 
A touch on my knee, a scratch on my back, a ridiculously long lasting bear hug, a head-burying in the crook of a neck kind of hug, a lazy hand on the shoulder, a hand through my hair.  Something.  Anything.  Just to make me feel. Feel anything. At all. 
"When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"  
- Googoo Dolls : Iris
This is not the weekend to let me be alone with my thoughts.  I could literally lay in bed all day long Saturday.
Tuesday, V-Day, I'll probably be at the gym like usual, ironically, the place I dislike most, as I wrestle with my self-image and lack of confidence/hope. #thestruggleisreal 
Well, that was depressing.  Moving on.  Good thing I've been reading books lately, occupying my mind.  
I like the books because they tell of a world with bold and daring males who are interested and actually pursue, while reality falls remarkably flat with such ideas. But its a place I can escape, to dream, to hope, at least.  Granted, I've ended up reading sci-fi and fantasy which I'm not too fond of in order to find such romance ideas.  I've read about aliens attacking the earth (Richard Yancey), gargoyles and demons (Jennifer Armentrout) magicians and greedy rulers, (the Study series by Maria Snyder), and other worlds with people with unnatural abilities (Veronica Roth and Kristin Cashore).  And within all that unbelievable chaos they manage to have a love interest.
Wait, so if these characters have to go through all these fantasy, made up events and catastrophes in order to find love, what does that say about my hope at finding love?  Fictional, it seems.  Unrealistic. 
At least if I could find a normal fictional love story, like on earth with normal people, with a little bit of controversy/conflict, normal conflicts though, not like aliens or vampires. And without half the book being sex. That would be great.  Hence my reading of young adult books.  Great, now my desire to read and the only refuge from my own thoughts is dwindling.
I just finished a book.  I think I'll start another one. Like now. 
 

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Untitled (238)
Imagine yourself naked. Naked in a glass box suspended 15 feet in the air in an auditorium full of people. The light glaring off your naked skin. The audience completly full. Imagine the laughs of the audience, seeing every weakness, every crinkle in your polished exterior with exceptional clarity; with stark, cruel vividness.
 
No, really, take a moment. Reread the last paragraph and really put yourself there. Drink every word slowly and imagine every moment drawn out like an eternity.
 
Imagine yourself completely vulnerable. Every inch of your imperfection visible; every mask removed. Imagine every skeleton in your closet was placed openly before the world. Imagine every terrible act you've ever committed was read aloud on that stage of vulnerability to an audience of the ever judgemental and callous. Imagine, and look into the eyes of those who judge you.
 
And then think of the once person you could put in that auditorium who would make it all not matter.

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1383 (239)
"I couldn't decide who as more annoying, the fanatic or the cynic" 
-The 5th Wave : Richard Yancey
 

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1382 (149)
 
"We don't need you to make us feel safe because you made us feel brave , and that's even better." 
-Miss Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children 
 
 
"A woman is like a teabag; you don't know how strong she is until she's put in hot water."  
-Eleanor Roosevelt 
 

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[971] woke the fuck up (625)
okay yeah i'm fucking annoyed
i shouldn't have to ask  every fucking time but sure whatever fine

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1381 (190)
 
Sabrinas dad always tries to thank me for picking her up and taking her to FHE every Monday, and tells me he knows its not always easy.  I think he's thanking me for being consistent at least. But I always tell myself he just feels obligated to say that to everyone or something, but then I remember that every time I pick her up, Sabrina likes to tell me what she's doing that week and how often times she only mentions like two things, her mission she does for a few hours on some days at the High School Seminary and FHE on Monday nights.  I think she's autistic enough she has to have a planned out schedule every week, every day and she does get upset if that plan changes.   So just one Monday night means a lot to that girl.  And probably her dad as well, maybe giving him a break, a chance to do something different, as he has to keep to the schedule as well to help her out.  The brave parents out there, single or not, that battle with childrens disabilities every day. 
This Monday he asked if there was anything he could do for me. Ha.  As I remembered everything at my house and the things I could complain about in just this last week alone I just shake my head and say "No, I'm fine." 
"Somewhere there is someone more grateful for less than you have." 
 

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I've seen your sadness grow (350)
You were not awake, I swear

Its all been in your dreams

There's nothing tangeable

This girl, this house, this highway

your mind made it real

Just remember always move fast

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1380 (159)
The start of this new year seems....off.
Nothing is working out just right... There is always something wrong with almost every situation, but then again its not totally wrong either.  
It just feels that everything is half right and half wrong.  Just in that middle limbo irking area.  Just enough to freak you out for a bit, but then everything seems to be fine, or mostly fine. 
Like there's almost, and I mean almost, a benefit to everything that didn't quite work out the way you wanted it... I dunno I'm babbling now. 
The TV dying and my roommate not telling me is irking, but not an immediate issue, something I can save up money for. 
The snow storm on Mon, my day off, and having to drive in it to give someone else a ride, is irking, but not the end of the world. 
Having only two of my three gift cards show up in the mail on the same day cuz they were shipped at the same time and knowing I might not ever see the third is irking, and the fact that was the one gift card I was really looking forward too is irking, but I'm not specifically losing cash on it using my cc points to purchase.
The first day of work in the new year and having to deal with water damage turning off our furnace and electronics from an overflowing toilet is irking, but we were back up and running pretty quickly.  The boss leaving the whole day for mediation and leaving me with damage control was irking, but happens from time to time.
The boss losing paperwork and/or files and the first thing he does is call my name like I'm supposed to magically fix/find it or simply have someone to blame it on is irking, but happens every once in awhile.  The boss about to blow a gasket over a small misunderstanding (literally misunderstanding over the word "not" in a document) with a tenant and me rushing into stop the idiotic things from coming out of his mouth is irking, but happens.  The boss's alternator going out on his truck is a bit irking, but what can you do. When all of this stuff happens in one week at work it seems a bit much, overboard, wrong, like a bad week, not a good start to the year.  
Having my furnace decide not to turn on this morning is cold and irking, and not figuring out the original problem is irking, but I got a tech out who got it back on and we'll see if it stays on.  The unexpected service charge is irking, but tends to happen to me a lot.  My roommates lack of help on this issue is irking, but normal. 
My phone going on the fritz is irking, not staying charged and the speakers are making weird sounds now, but it works for now and I can save money to invest in another one. 
My appetite leaving me the last two weeks while sick during the holidays and coming back with venegance is irking.
The top of my Christmas tree lights burnt out is a little irking too. The fact I couldn't get into my storage container until middle of Dec was irking and now not having a lock on it at all is irking and worry-some if my stuff disappears. 
A lot of my passwords seem not to be working either when I go to login to things and is irking, weird and kinda random at what works on which device.
The water heater is still leaking whenever I use hot water, that's irking, but not an immediate issue. 
My very back crown fell off again producing another unexpected expense of $300+ and that's irking.
Knowing I have to pay for a car inspection, emissions, taxes and tags next month is an irking thought also.
I feel like I'm being punished for something I did...or didn't do...?
But I usually feel like this when I notice the things around me seem to be breaking, mainly when my house is breaking... 
 

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Untitled (119)
as the years go by i close more and more windows, doors, anything that would give away the secrets. i have become so bitter. i have scars everywhere, my skin is thick and the memories of how my skin came to be stiffen my spine-i do not move. all these years, all these fucking years. the weight of what's meant to protect me in this world is holding me captive-i want to break free.

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[133] Only One (181)
Hey.
So the last three days were awful but also good...in a weird way.
It was the trio of Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day...so it should have been 100% awesome, right? Well no, wrong.
For starters I had to get through an incredibly stressful weekend of work before the holidays which wasn't fun. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I made a crapton of money. And then after that, on Christmas Eve, I had to go Christmas shopping which last minute isn't fun. Thankfully a random shop in the mall was having a huge blowout sale (95% off everything!) so that tremendously helped with the budget.
After I spent the first Christmas Eve with my mom in forever. Anthony and myself went out with her to eat at the local Chinese Buffet. However it wasn't entirely good because my asshole Uncle showed up and that was all kinds of awkward. Not to mention I ate SOMETHING bad and as a result got food poisoning. So...that wasn't fun.
 
On Christmas I was still feeling ill but I powered through it and went to see Anthony's mom's family with him. I baked like 3 dozen cupcakes for the holidays. I was touched because I actually got stuff from his family (I'm used to his dad's side ignoring me & our relationship so that not happening was nice) we also had a nice conversation with his older sister and she made us both feel a lot better about where we are in our lives.
And it also helped me to appreciate my relationship more because sometimes you take for granted the...benefit of having someone always there for you to help you through your struggles and Anthony has definitely helped me a lot. I'm not as anxietic, I'm better in social situations, and I can handle myself better without cutting or drinking. And now I'm helping him work through the anger his parents instilled in him.
We're both broken but together we're whole and that's the important thing. Sometimes it's not about the most obvious thing but the little details in between.
This holiday season has taught me so much about myself and my relationship and it's never going to be easy but it'll always be worth it. 

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1378 (269)
First day of winter officially
And we got snow!
I never thought I'd be so excited for snow
But that AZ trip sure made me grateful
It looks like snow for Christmas day!
 

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[132] Lose It All (117)
Hey Sitdiary.
Things have been going well.
I've been pulling extra hours at the ol' warehouse and earning decent money...and as with most things in life, more money = better.
I've been trying to start writing under a new penname and that's going okay I just need to find the motivation that I've been lacking. It seems like the surge of adrenaline I had two months ago has vanished and left me feeling empty inside. I want to finish my work so I can get it published. I want to succeed in my endeavors. It's just really awful when you have an overwhelming voice in the back of your head that tells you you're going to fail no matter what you do. Anxiety sucks. And I wish I didn't have it. Thanks, family.
I guess there's nothing I can do but take each day as it comes and try my hardest to push back against the tide that keeps trying to drag me under. I just worry one day I won't be able to fight being dragged out to sea and I'll drown. I don't want that and the prospect is scary...but I can't help but thinking about it sometimes.
I just wish I could be normal. In a perfect world I'd be anxiety-free, depression-free, straight, married, have my dream job, and have 2.5 kids by now.
But this isn't a perfect world and that life was never meant for me. 

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[97o.5] post script (237)
it's the same girl, sitdiary. it's been the same girl for the last six years and it's gonna be the same girl for the next six and for every six years after that. 
i just realize that the only time i write here is when i'm feeling lonely and so i guess i should just. i don't know. posterity or something. i used to write good things, but it's really the bad things that i feel like should be excised, you know? the good things, i want them to stay with me. 

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[97o] i would give it all (127)
"wow," says everyone, because everyone says it, "that's so far."
yes i fucking know how far it is and i fucking know that it's a long time and i fucking know every single other thing
here is the hard part and here is the worst part is that my mom didn't believe me when i said you were coming and sometimes i don't believe either
it's just hard some nights. i feel like maybe you're not real and if you're not real then we're not real and if we're not real then what am i? and i know that's not true but it feels true when it's 3 AM and i am just. here. alone. it's so hard to not feel alone when that's all i feel like i've ever been. 
i love you i love you i love you i promise i love you more than anyone and i guess this is what people mean when they say sometimes you have to chose. i'm choosing and i want to keep choosing but i need something. 
please god, give me something. i love her and i'll keep loving her so good but please, give me something. i am so tired of sleeping alone.

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1377 (180)
Yay for firsts and new adventures
-First time at the Grand Canyon West side, I think its almost better than the North side
-First time on the Skywalk, walking on a glass walk above the Grand Canyon, dizzying
-First time in Mexico
-First time buying drugs in Mexico
-First time trying sushi - I know AZ is a weird place to try that for the first time... Not sure what was in it, but the seaweed didn't taste great...
-First time picking grapefruit off a tree, we were going to pick oranges but didn't know anyone to ask 
-First time driving down the AZ/CA border on the AZ side
-First time driving up the AZ/CA border on the CA side
-First time going through four states within 12 hours on a road trip (UT/NV/AZ/CA) and a country (Mexico)
As the year comes to end I realize how lax I am with my vacations as the year went on. 
I went from super organized and prepared to go on vacations to other countries to not even making reservations anymore and walking out the door. 
Then I realized my first vacation I ever thought out and planned at like age 21 in 2009 was also super organized and planned out, but it wasn't to a different country, and now I just do whatever 7 years later. 
I guess it took about seven years to save up and actually plan a trip out of country. 
But they thought it was winter down there in AZ.
It was slightly ridiculous.  We left snow storms and 20-30 degree weather.
They were boots and jackets in 70's weather. 
I was dying of heat.  I thought coming back to the cold would be a hard adjustment, it turns out to be very refreshing, welcoming after lying in sweat in bed at night when the house was hotter inside than outside. Coming back with a sunburn on yer face would feel a lot better when coming back to have yer face freeze when you go outside.
It definitely didn't feel like December and especially not like Christmas time.
Everyone wished us a Merry Christmas and every time I forgot it was December.... "Uh, you too"
It was a nice trip.  I like the detours we did on the way down and seeing Grandma.  But I'm not sure I'd do again. If I did, it would have to be in the middle of winter.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it in the first place.  The detour to the west side of the Grand Canyon was my enticement.  That was the closest I'd ever get to that side of the canyon and I wasn't going just for that reason.  Two or three stones in one shot.
I was on a cruise to the Bahamas the second week in December in 2011 and it was kinda nice to get away from the winter weather.  Take a pic by the Christmas tree on the boat in your swimming suit. My first taste of Christmas/December without snow. It was weird.  Glad I got to be home on actual Christmas day with my cold weather and snow. 
Christmas without snow. That just ain't right. 
 

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1376 (178)
This year I've been to 
London
Paris
Taiwan
Let's try Mexico now!
After travelling international all year, a trip through the states seems so much more easier to plan/take. 
And driving into another country seems so much easier than by air.
Easy-peasy. 
We'll make it a first-time (and prolly last time) four country travelling gig this year. 
And next year... I'll prolly be stuck only visiting Idaho again, like always... 
 

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[131] Need a Scalpel (168)
The past few weeks have been interesting.
I've been writing a lot more and just trying to keep myself from going under with my anxiety/depression. It seems like it always hits me this time of year and I need to learn to force it down. It's so weird that right around the time of the holidays it hits me. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of the year? Ugh.
I have a convention in a month and I'm sad because I haven't lost the weight I wanted to. I've not made much progress and I'm annoyed. I'm starting a regime tomorrow so that makes me happy. I'm just tired of stress eating and bake eating (I love baking but since I have to taste my own creations it gets fattening!)
I hate that my family didn't teach me better eating habits when I was younger. Like they were perfectly okay with me drinking two 2-liter bottles of soda a day and eating 6 packages of ramen in two sittings. Is it any wonder why I was an obese pre-teen? Thankfully I'm not obese currently but I still have a long way to go before I'm in the body I want to be in. I just hope I can get there - you need a lot of will power which is something I've always lacked.
I feel scared and...apprehensive. There's been a lot of changes in my life recently and I'm worried about how I'm going to handle them and how I'll deal with the ramifications if they cause problems. I hope that issues don't rise and I hope everything will remain stable but...you never know. And that's the scary thing.
I don't feel like I write here as much as I should because it is cathartic and every therapist in the world recommends keeping a diary...maybe that'll be a New Years' Resolution - go back to doing daily entries again. We'll see when the time comes. Let's just focus on one a week until then. Maybe. :P
Otherwise...I guess things are good. 

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