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Health Degrees
Piano Lessons
What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

Love,

 

Scott

 

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Recent Posts

 
Frank's Good Bye (3)
We Deceided to play Frank one of his favorites on his funeral.
I knew that he loved it and i promised him long time ago to manage it.
Feast of friends, fare the well my friends.
Feast of friends, Jim Morrison
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I'm sick of doubt
Live in the light of certain
South Cruel bindings
The servants have the power
Dog-men and their mean women
Pulling poor blankets over
Our sailors I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the TV
Towers, I want roses in
My garden bower; dig?
Royal babies, rubies
Must now replace aborted
Strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal
For the plant that's plowed They are waiting to take us into
The severed garden
Do you know how pale and wanton thrillful
Comes death on a strange hour
Unannounced, unplanned for
Like a scaring over-friendly guest you've
Brought to bed
Death makes angels of us all
And gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's
Claws
No more money, no more fancy dress
This other kingdom seems by far the best
Until it's other jaw reveals incest
And loose obedience to a vegetable law
I will not go
Prefer a Feast of Friends
To the Giant Family
 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

We miss you, all of us.

love you.
 
 

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Everythings done so far. (3)
Summer Holidays are over and now everything's a desaster. My wife and me organized a Holiday Camp for kids and teens in the last week of summer vacation. We got into a big fight and now it seems all broken -again-.
If it wasnt for the kids, id leave her, its eating my energy and happiness, to always argue and get blamed for everything.
This and that mixed up with old stories. It all makes me sick. But i cannot leave the boys. the little one is too young to be alone and the big one shall be on his own feet first.
Due to it's always my fault, whatever happened, i agreed to marriage counselling and aswell i'll do a therapy to clear my issues. On the one hand i think it will help me on the other hand i think it will not help my marriage.
Best thing would be: grab the kids and live with them alone and my wife goes into an ash ram or something.
im growing old lately. i feel old and i will never be as free as i wanted to be. But thats ok.

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Gramsci has changed my life. (13)
"Revolutionaries see history as a creation of their own spirit, as being made up of a continuous series of violent tugs at the other forces of society - both active and passive, and they prepare the maximum of favourable conditions for the definitive tug (revolution)". -- Notes from a Prison Diary

I've decided that I am going to dive head first into community organization. If all is meaningless in existence that last thing left to give an colour to the canvas is to use your hands and feet for Country. I am not embracing Nationalism. I speak more to helping the poor and future generations as opposed to national pride. What do I have to be proud of as an American? Nothing other than what ifs and potentiality in the Aristotelan sense. 
This past week has clearly made Ralph Ellison's allusions made in the Invisible Man come true for me. I live in a country that treats its poor white like slaves and rubes. I live in a country that treats its veterans like fodder. I live in a country that treats its black/minority population like serfs. We are the invisible. And if I ever see you again ( I know I wont), I've decided to never hold back. 

 

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[138] Let Our Hearts Bleed (32)
Hello Diary.
I haven't written in quite a while! I know, I'm guilty. Sue me. Okay please not really...I'm sorry ;_;
I've been very busy. For starters, as I said before, I got my GED and I have started my first semester of college. It hasn't been too difficult but it hasn't been easy either. It's been interesting.
I also went to my bi-yearly vacation and hung out with friends. I made a bunch of new friends and just had a good time...too good of a time, in my opinion. I gained back like 15 lbs which I'm now currently back on track to losing. I couldn't start at the gym immediately because of getting con crud right after which took like two weeks to go away -_- meh.
The semester is almost done for me. I submitted my last work and am waiting for the grades. And then I get a month off to do whatever I want. Yay.
My birthday is in a week. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'll be the big 25. I still feel the same as I did when I was a teenager, just a bit less naive. I hope that never changes. I don't want to be that dick who forgets what it's like to be young and keep a fresh perspective on things. But anyway, I have a whole week of fun planned out for my birthday so I have a lot to look forward to.
I'll end this here.

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1413 (83)
It started July 1, 2017.
Its now August 4, 2017.
It's been a month.
I'm now getting love letters and love confessions and little gifts.
I think I gave it my best try.
I really did.  I didn't half-ass this one.  So don't accuse me of it.
I really wanted it to work.  For both of us. 
But I'm not feeling it.  And I have to go with my feelings.
(At this point my mother would say: What does love have to do with marriage? and/or say something along the lines of me being too picky or having too high expectations)
But this can't go on any longer.
I just...can't.
We need to talk. 
 
I just wish there was someone out there who didn't fall in love with me within hours. Someone who didn't want to kiss me.  Someone who didn't want to marry me.  
Can't I just have a friend?  Just one friend.  That's not married! That's a guy. That's chill.
I know, I know.  There's girls out there with the exact opposite problem. 
The grass is always greener on the other side, eh?
 
Who knew one of the dating concerns I'd have is when is it appropriate to ask to see the divorce decree? 
If one more guy tells me he's divorced, he better freakin' be divorced.  I want proof. 
Oh wait, that's right, they never approach that subject, I'M the one that has to ask if they are in fact divorced. 
Call me crazy, but I think I have some preservations and standards when it comes to kissing a married man. 
 

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1412 (23)
 
"I've got issues, I've got scars
And the color is just like yours
I was broken right from the start
I'm not different than you are
I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly flawed
And my scratches don't hurt much at all
But just like you, I've got issues
 
Am I unwell, cause I don't understand
Is this what they say it is, to be human"
 
-Issues:  James Durbin

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Frank is dead (61)
I guess only Tara will remeber him as 'abnormal' here on sitd back in the days.
He was my friend - one of my best friends. He passed away on Saturday night at home at the age of 41.
Be well my friend.
 
 
 

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1408 (74)
 
"One always has a better book in one's mind than one can manage to get onto paper" 
-Michael Cunningham
"Books serve to show man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all." 
-Abraham Lincoln 
"It is what you read when you don't have to that will determine what you will be when you can't help it." 
-Oscar Wilde
"Great books help you understand, and they help you feel understood." 
-John Green
"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." 
-P.J. O'Rourke
"There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book." 
-Josh Jameson
 
 

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Heritage (30)
After some talks with my 4 year old son about my dad, i figure finally that not everything i learned from him is good. My dad was an after-war child of the WW2 here in Germany. With a lot of siblings they didn't have much, neither food or toys for the kids. They were just there to work and left on their own.
Having to be grown up with 14 and go to an 45hour week then was something different then todays lives.
Thats the apologize that he was stealing, drinking, being a hothead and not really a dad who cared for my feelings. It was normal for him to go to the creek and show me how to catch fish with bare hands, even though it is forbidden here to just go and fish. He always owned a rifle even it's illegal in Germany without a permission.He never told me to be reasonable and calm, never how to respect women, never not to abuse alcohol and drugs.
He in fact told me, that when i find something, that i can take it. So i always did.
He was good in many ways, and it was good that he showed me that.
But even better is, that my son knows that all this is wrong:
-stealing
-not respecting
-lying (he's doing that, but he knows it's wrong and he's ashamed of it)
Well he's into hunting, he wants to become a hunter one day, but i guess there is no bad dream a kid can have. Also he is 4 and i think this will change soon.
I'm very grateful to my dad, because he raised me to a person which has to learn everything alone. Even raising kids i had to learn by myself, but i think im doing it right. I'm not a drunk daddy who doesn't care. Or better only cares about his stuff. I will raise my Kids not to be afraid to talk about their feelings to me. They don't have to be afraid to get a harsh critic when they just want to open their hearts.
I discover this now, shortly before i turn 40.
 
My mum is left behind, she is still drunk, still gives me money to show me her love and she's still destroying herself. I cannot stop her, neither i will continue trying to. I will focus on my kids and wife.
I never thought it would be so important to decide to the family, not the heritage one, but the chosen one.
And i'm grateful for my son who shows my how to become a better person.
Thank you.

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Is it just me? (59)
Years ago... roughly ten years ago in fact... this site... it died. 
Not a clear sudden death. It was more like a slow atrophy where the neglect of one user begat the neglect of another. 
I watched and waited wide eyed and hopeful for a last gasp of life for a time but ultimately I too sought self expression elswhere. 
In a bout of irony I find the once vibrant roaring fire of a community to have cooled and the smoke has disapated as I return here hoping... 
Almost 15 years of blogging and what have I to show for it?
Two ghost towns. 
 
 

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Twisted Chapter 26 (106)
Michael stared at his grown daughter and the man next to her.  He knew that dark look and destested the man and his family.  Their intertwined hands churned his stomach and his jaw clenched.  He wanted to protect her from the darkness that family brought but it appeared she had made her choice.
"I see Leon didn't heed my advice."
Kara felt the grip tighten around her hand and said "I chose him."
Michael swallowed the digust and sighed "Well at least you have a decent protector, despite the condition he appears to be in."
A low growl responded and she glanced up at Joseph.  His black eyes were locked with Michael's brown gaze and she slowly stepped ahead of him.  Their hands remained linked but she asserted her position to keep both males in check.
"You called me.  What do you want?"
"I wanted to see you.  I could feel your power growing and needed to reach out."
"I have been fine on my own until now.  What changed?"
He sighed and asked "Do you know what happens when we die Kara?"
"You come back apparently."
She sounded annoyed and it left him startled.  All this time he had hoped his little girl would still be somewhere inside her waiting to see him again.  All that stood before him was a honed warrior from both decisions her parents made.
"I didn't want to leave you or your mother.  I had to provide enough time for you to get to safety."
"I didn't come here for excuses, Dad."
Michael saw the grip between them tighten and Joseph shoulder brush hers.  He could see the agitation growing in her and her mate was responding.  The atmosphere was starting to grow hot and he took a deep breath.
"I understand."
Kara let out a sigh and said "I'm not wasting my time.  Just say what you have to say."
"I want to help you control that fire."
"I don't need your help."
"Yes you do."
She finally released Joseph's hand and said "I've done a pretty good job all this time.  No thanks."
He watched her turn away and the two start walking into the dense forest.  He cleared his throat and said the only thing he knew that could stop her.
"If you want more children you will listen."
They both stopped and he watched them exchange looks before she finally faced him once more.
"I'm listening."
"The war you are preparing for is not going to be in your favor.  There will be casualties but I can teach you how to survive."
"How long?"
"You cannot be in a rush Kara."
She felt Joseph take her hand once more and heard "We have our people to get back to.  She can't waste time out here."
Michael met the man's gaze and said "Then I will come with you.  I can show you on the way."
"I'd prefer we wait until we get there.  Your arrival isn't going to sit well."
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly with a nod.  She turned away again and he watched the two shift to their wolf forms.  Joseph looked back at him and Kara shook her head.  His gaze settled on her once more and she walked on ahead.  Michael watched the enormous black wolf look at him once more and nodded slowly.
He climbed on the wolf's back and gripped some of his scruff as Joseph took off to catch up.  The ride was awe inspiring as he flew through the trees and saw the world in their view.  Kara made them stop for the night at dusk and he slid off carefully.  She was next to her mate instantly and inspecting his wounds before she let up. Joseph shifted and rested against a tree across a burning fire from him.
Kara remained in her wolf form and rested her head on his leg with her gaze on her father.  Michael kept his distance as he watched the man run his hand through her soft coat.  Slowly the man closed his eyes and Michael watched Kara finally release her form.  She carefully moved to the fire and glanced back at him.
"Is he asleep?"
"Some.  He can still sense what I am doing."
"He overexerted himself."
She smirked and said "That's typical."
"For one in so much pain he is recovering fast.  Too fast."
She heard the old fatherly tone and met his gaze.  The man must have picked up on the small amount of phoenix blood in Joseph and her spine straightened.
"I did what I had to do."
"It's dangerous mixing bloods Kara.  It could've killed him."
"It was the only option.  His wounds were too severe.  I barely managed to keep him tied to me."
"How much?"
"Only once.  He refuses any more."
Michael sighed and raked a hand through his hair.  "You'll have to make him."
"What?"
He looked at the man and caught his black eyes on them.  She was right about him being aware.  He had followed their entire conversation and looked ready to interject.
"Once phoneix blood is given it takes more than just the initial injection for the body to acclimate to the changes."
"I can't."
He caught a shoulder and said "Joseph's body will give out if he doesn't take more.  He is healing too fast.  You should be able to sense that."
Slowly she looked over her shoulder at her mate and saw him give a single nod.
"How did you give him blood the first time?"
"His food."
"It needs to be a pure strain.  No mixing it.  That should reduce the number of transfusions."
Kara met Joseph's black eyes once more and watched him close them.  She turned back to her father and stood up.  He watched her smother the fire until it was gone and met her green eyes.
"I can give you tips to making it easier."
She shook her head and said "I will be fine."
Michael stood as she walked back to Joseph and slipped into the brush to give them some privacy.  Kara heard him climb into a nearby tree for the night and shifted as she curled up next to a strong leg.  Her soft head rested on his knee and she felt his hand slide through her coat again.
'I'll be fine without it.'
'No he is right.'
'We'll talk about it in the morning.'
She looked up at his tired face and picked up on his quiet pulse.  The man's exhaustion ate at her just as much as the muffled pain and she let out a sigh as her eyes fell closed.  Her mind's walls dropped and she slipped into his chaotic thoughts.  The pain still ripped through her like knives and she pushed passed it to wrap around him for the night.  He finally allowed her assistance as he drifted into the calm sleep she provided.
They slept through the night and at dawn she slowly stirred.  Her body was rested but her mind weary from the night's battles. Slowly she rose from beside him and stretched her limbs loose.  She released her wolf form and closed herself off to just her senses.  She could hear the nearby creek and feel the cool morning breeze fighting off the early warmth of the sun rays.
Their breakfast was a good fifty feet away eating grass and she looked down at Joseph.  She hadn't hunted much since he started recovering but she knew he needed the nutrition.  Shoving the dread aside, she left the campsite and shifted as she stalked the oblivious doe.  Her mind had found a way to protect itself while he was bedridden and the anguish the animals emitted bounced off the walls.  She strike hard and fast, putting the doe out of her misery quick and drug the kill back to camp.
She quietly ate her fill and slipped off again to get a drink.  The creek was cool against her paws and she cleaned her face.  A single twig snapping brought her ears to attention and she looked over her shoulder.  The black wolf approached with blood on his muzzle and she licked it off.  He nudged her shoulder and took a quick drink before releasing his form.
Kara joined him on the graze and relaxed to persistant sun rays breaking through the upper tree canopy.  His strong hand took hers and she slowly looked up into his black eyes.  Right now it felt like it was just them, no conflicts, no ailments.  She leaned her head on his shoulder and listened to his strong pulse.  His warmth surrounded her with security and she nuzzled his neck.
The groan made her laugh and she wrapped her arms around his neck as she straddled his waist.  Pure black hungry stared back at her and she took her time tasting his jaw and neck while she filled his body with her warmth.  She pushed a little more of the pain away and pulled out as his mouth took hers captive.  Her pulse jumped at the demand and her fingers slid through his black mane of hair.  Every cell cried for him and her heart beat in her ears like war drums.
His mouth claimed her for itself and she melted against him.  Slowly it traveled down her throat to her collar bone and she sighed.  Strong hands sculpted her form, increasing the tempo in her ears and she couldn't help but brush her body against his.  She felt his fur brush her skin and then the bite brought a cry.  The pain was unexpected but she remained still as he lapped at the running stream of blood.
Each stroke of his tongue left her restless and she closed her eyes to the hunger growing rapidly.  Slowly she felt the hazy affects of the loss of blood settle in as his tongue swept over the small laceration and closed it.  Her head rested against his shoulder and he breathed her in as their pulses slowly returned to a healthy state.  He lifted her chin and examined the bite.
"Next time I'll try and be more gentle."
She smirked and burrowed into his neck.  His pulse jumped in her ear and she felt his arms settle around her.  She could easily fall back asleep but they still had a few more days before they would be home.
"Kara, if it is too much we won't do this."
She closed her eyes and sighed "I'll be fine."
"The journey home is tough enough for you when you're healthy."
She looked up at him and said "I'm fine.  A little blood loss isn't going to slow me down."
His black gaze swept over her determined face and he kissed her slowly.  She felt him finally release her and she allowed her arms to drop away.  Slowly she stood and waited for him to join her.  They walked back to the camp and he caught her hand just before Michael appeared.  The man looked just as rested as she had felt earlier.  Joseph shot the man one look and released her hand.
"Let's get going."
Michael rubbed his neck as the man shifted into his black wolf and Kara slowly joined him.  Silently he climbed onto Joseph's back again and they started off in a walk before gaining momentum in another full gait.

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1406 (59)
 
"I am strong because
I am weak
I am beautiful because
I know my flaws
I am a lover because
I am a fighter
I am fearless because
I have been afraid
I am wise because
I have been foolish
and I can laugh because
I've known sadness."
 
"Once in awhile someone amazing comes along and here I am." 
 
"Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though its hard."   
-All of Me : John Legend
 
"It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine"   -Eeyore 
"Some days look better upside down."  -Eeyore 
 

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Launch (24)
We did it. we launched a rocket on the weekend. Just with pressure, water and a lot of handycraft. He was smiling and i was happy. I also told him some stories about my dad, he is asking about his grandpa sometimes. Crazy how fast the time is running, he been gone now for 10 Years.
 

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And she'll never know your story like I do (37)
days like today i wish i could pick up a phone and call you 
or just get in the car and drive like we used to.

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Summer's almost gone (42)
We've been on vacation, just her, me and the little one. it was georgeous. Since a long time i could really come down and relax, adore the landscape and the mentality of italy and the people there. Loved it. Gonna return next year and well. Now, 3 weeks of work exhaust me again. But i honestly think that everyday's life is exhausting me. Whatever. Everythings calmer again.
I promised the little one to built a rocket, so he got bullied in kindergarden as he told the others we would built a rocket and fly to the moon. I have to figure that out, it broke my heart that he got in trouble because of the silly fantasies were sharing sometimes...

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Counter Insurgency (126)
Based on my old entries, I was apparently bound for the military and called out insurgencies and their fundamental roots in 2004.  Go me.  Cheers, past angsty teen Kevin!  <3

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247 - Update #1.5? (195)
Good Lord, it has been a while.
Not that anybody reads these anymore, but that's besides the point.
Things have again changed dramatically since I last wrote in this. When I last wrote, I had thought things were on track, but it turns out that I was sadly mistaken.
I was living on my own with a woman whom I was engaged to, and everything seemed to be going alright. But I guess I wasn't the boyfriend she expected me to be, and kicked me right the hell out, and left me for another man. In a fairly quick order.
So, with no choice, I had to move back home, and I've been here for...a year now. 
It's funny, they say that "After a breakup, the loyal one stays single and deals with the damages until healed. The other one is already in a relationship".
Ain't that the bloody truth.
I was picking up the pieces and she was getting plastered at a bar with her new boyfriend.
Whatever.
It's been a year, and I'm good now. I've since gone back to school, I'm weeks away from getting my car back on the road, and I've been dating a lovely woman since January who is already making plans for her future with me.
She's amazing.
She made a joke a short time ago when we went to a screening of Captain Underpants, because   Captain Underpants ,   about getting a copy for little ones in the future. So when I asked if she was planning that far ahead already, she reassured me that she was in this for the long run.
I've never felt so honoured.
But that's besides the point.
Life doesn't suck, and we have to live each day to the fullest. I haven't always been the most shining example of that mentality, but therapy and building your life back up from nothing will do that. I also had a friend, which took my by surprise.
This friend of mine, who was famously portrayed by Christopher Reeve in the late 70's and into the 80's named Superman.
I know, I know, it seems blasphemous from a Batman fan like myself.
But Superman taught me to walk with my head held high, and to be hopeful for the future. That one man can make a difference in the world around him, and to be the light in the darkness.
So, here I am.
 
 
The world needs positivity.
Make a difference.

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Recreational Sunday (82)
 
 
 
 
something is different.
 
 
 
 

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you know i don't believe in fate (69)
so arch your back
and flip your hair
make eye contact so you know i care
you know i care
but only as a guest
such an unfaithful bride draped in a dress
spun with threads of my regret
 

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hm (35)
there is no certificate, degree, or anything else that can change it. the pieces have fallen into place and now i watch in repulsion. what happened? how did we get here? what did we do? this is madness. no arrangement of words can change them. how easy it must be to resort to that. their chances of getting caught are slim. my vision shouldn't wander too far, I lie-I do it every day and i've done it for the last year. i've lied about so much. i'm afraid of dissapointing them. what would happen if they knew? no sleep for months and months. i'm about ready to break this pedastal.
is this what it is to be an adult? to accept the worst and live on with all these incongruencies? this is why everyone's sick. i want out. this isn't for me. the medication i'm on numbs everything. i'm disconnected from my body; the world could end tomorrow and i could care less. i don't deserve all of this. i lie. i've lied. i keep lying. i've become what i despise in so many ways.
i'll never forget the night. august 3rd. 12 am. 2012. i had a blind faith in this person. i actually believed they valued our friendship. he was my mentor. i thought he saw something in me. from then on its been the same stupid story over and over again. i've watched each person just stand their with their desire. disgusting. each time its happened a little light goes off and the world shrinks. how easy it is for them to take. fucking leeches.
i want to know if there's more to this than what i see. every part of me wishes for something more than this. all i have left is a shell of what used to be-the parts that make up the whole are no where to be found. if i don't have my word what the fuck do i have???? what makes me less repulsive???? 
 

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1402 (303)
"What do you think Faraday?"  
(about their impossible, hopeless situation)
 
"It reminds me of a fella I once knew
He fell off a five story building
Passed each floor on the way down
People inside heard him say
"So far, so good" 
He's dead now"
 
-The Magnificent Seven
 
 

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1401 (92)
"I don't know if You can hear me
Or if You're even there
I don't know if You will listen
To a humble (gypsy's) prayer
They tell me I am just an outcast
I shouldn't speak to You
Still, I see Your face and wonder
Were You once an outcast too?"
 
 
" I ask for love I can possess
I ask for God and his angels to bless me"
 
-The Hunchback of Notre Dame : God Help the Outcasts
 
 

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[137] Just Wasn't Stable (138)
Hey Diary.
 
So rememeber last month when I wasfreaking out about taking my GED and worried I'd fail? Well, I didn't! I got it and I actually passed by a decent margin.
 
I haven't written here since then because the last 30 days have moved by in a blur. I had to do a bunch of stuff to register for school and picking out classes, my degree options, etc. etc. but it's all done and I'm finally, officially a college student ^.^
I've also been pushing hard on the weight loss front. I'm almost 70 lbs down. I had to go shopping for new clothes since none of my old ones fit me right anymore. I've gone down almost 6 pants sizes. I used to have to wear a 2X shirt now I'm in a large. I've never felt more confident about myself or my body.
Not to mention I've been baking a lot more and actually getting more people who want me to cater their parties. Things have been going rather well for me.
I'm moving next month - I hate that I've been forced to do it so often (like 10 times in the past 5 years) but this should be the last time for a while. I'm actually excited, too, because I'll be my first actual time renting a house of our own. Like no family, just us.
I have my big trip in 2 weeks to see all my online friends. I wonder how surprised they'll be to see the new me. To be honest, I'm surprised when I look in the mirror.
Until next time,
 
 
!!_//

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Swing it like Tiger woods (104)
Moods Swings like Tiger wood. Yesterday was silence day, today was blowjob day. I'll never understand that woman, but i love her.

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la chica del padres (165)
i am attracted to you because you're unavailable. i love unavailable men. that's just one of the many reasons i must stop longing for you, such as:

you don't care about me;
you still love your last love;
i am simply there.
you think you can manipulate me;
you believe i still like you;
i must prove you wrong.
you took advantage of me,
you avoided me,
you broke me,
you look down on me,
you pity me?
i pity you.
i can't make you forget her.

you'll live with the idealist view of her, the one that still cares about you. as for me, i won't care about you anymore, but i wonder...do they know?
this won't happen again.
 

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Repetative whore (72)
Well i did a lot of shit this spring and i flirted with a lot of women. Fact is, that my wife finds now out all bout this.
Yesterday we had another fight about this. This time it was some clerk girl which i flirted with on a party in February. We just looked at each other, no talking touching, whatnot. Now past is destroying my actual happy present. And it's all my fault, fuck yes. Whore is me. That what she called me yesterday...

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Father's Day 2017 (66)
Well, fathers day now passend and i have to say i had a very nice one. My eldest son bought me an Oscar Figurine with 'best Dad of the World' written on it, the little printed on some working gloves his handprints for me in kindergarden and with my wife he made some sweet fotos and they framed it. I'm actually probably the hardest person to get a gift for - but these hit it all. Thank you family. Usually the fathers here in Germany go on a walk with beer and friends, get drunk over the day and party.
I preferred to stay at home with my family and spent some time with the little one. We build a rope ladder for his treehouse, had some small lumber still there, so we carved the bark off, drilled some holes and used some rope to build the thing. It came out quite good and now he has 5 rungs to train his climbing abilities. I'm quite proud of myself in moments like this and im happy to create something with my kids. Later on the eldest one had problems with his motorbike and we had to check the carburator and finally found the error. We did it :) 10 Years ago i wouldnt have the patience for this. Patience is something i really didnt learn at home when i was a kid, so im glad i found that now. With the summery weather we chilled in the garden, filled up the little plastic pool with water and just relaxed. My wife made a nice Pasta Sald for the barbecue. Everything felt so easy, i loved the day. No worries, stress or uncomfortable situations. Way better then getting pissed with your pals.
Family rocks.
Now im sitting on work and i'll just get over the day. Love coming back here and make finally a positive entry.

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1398 (421)
 
Griffin Daniel Talamante
Born Monday, May 22, 2017 at 5:29pm
8 lbs 2 ounces
20.5 in length
 
Currently, he's still being induced at this time... 
But he will soon arrive!
 
My last chance to experience the joys and miracle of birth as much as I possibly can without actually giving birth myself. 
Most childless people don't get to see what they are missing in life.  
I can't decide if knowing/somewhat experiencing what may not happen to me is a good thing or a bad thing.
A bitter sweet thing.  Double edge sword. 
I mean, sure there's the pain and agony of giving birth, but there's also the elated joy and bonding that comes with it also.  
Neither of which I may ever experience myself in this life. 
I've witnessed six births in my lifetime. Scott, Cole, Sara, Mitchell, Nicholas, Griffin
Update: 
First I can't tell you how much better I feel now that that baby boy is in finally in the world.  
Arthur and I felt so helpless this whole time and now I, at least, feel like I can do anything and everything again.  I'm free!
 
I didn't realize it stressed me out so much to see her like that until it was over. 

But it still makes me mad how easy it is for her.  
The baby like just slid out really.  I might call it two pushes, but it was moreso the resident telling her not to push, saying "Stop, slow down, not so much, little tiny pushes at a time"  as he was trying to reposition the baby and PULL him out...  Ugh.  
Griffin came out face down which none of her others did. But not a big deal.  
"Labor" is like 10 minutes for her MAYBE.  
The resident and doc said, "You did great."  
Unsure if they should give her so much credit... and with surprise that it was so fast.  

But her heaviest one at 8lbs 2ounces. 20.5 long

With it being so easy at birth maybe she can pop one out for me. 

At this point it seems the only way I'll get one.... 

But the 10 minutes of pain at birth verses the 9 months of agony,
I'm not sure which she'd rather have.

I was a baby hog and picture hog at the hospital.

Arthur asked me "if I wanted one", a baby I assumed, and I looked at him like he was dumb as it was clearly written all over my face that I did as I slinked away with his baby. 

You dont know how bad you want something until you can't have it. 

I would never admit this to strangers, of course, it hurts less to just say you dont want one. 

But deep inside of me begs the question

How do you feel complete in this life without marriage and family?

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Growing eternity (68)
Kristina was at her therapist today and she suggested, that we make a couple therapy. Due to im obviously the reason she is not happy what other chance do i have as agree to that? I guess i'll try it just for her good. Iam happy with my life -mostly- except the money issues and the struggle with the kids i have to say i love it. I closed with my drunk mother, i'm over the death of my drunk dad and i know nowadays, that i'm not that idiot he called me. That i can do everything i try. Even if i have to try three time, at one point i can do it. I never carpentered a Stairway, so i tried and did it. My eldest Son is walking it everyday.
Whats happing sometimes, is that im afraif of having self-esteem - so i give up sometimes before even trying. It's easy to say that is because my parents raised me like that, but on the other hand: im grown up now and i should just do it. So i accept, that im lazy sometimes ;)
Since 10 Years im not talking or writing in english anymore regularly so i can't type as much as i was used to. This is another reason i like to come back here lately so often: it's my place and i can write in english again. Im trying to encourage my kids, to everything they are doing. Yannik had an American Football Game yesterday and we were there, watching. I totally have no clue how that game is played (in Germany this is an exotic game) but it was good to see him play and go onto the Enemy. In a few months he's becoming an electrician, he grew up so fast. Nearly an adult now. And i try to support him and kick his ass. I think this is the mixture.
As i can remember, my parents thought in the age of 13 i was old enough just to grow up the rest for myself, which i did and it took me a long way: 27 Years and im free from all the old dust my family tried to cover me into a scheme of what i should have been, this and that and this was not right, that not enough.
With my wife it's the same: she is trying to make me better, different and more like she thinks i should be. I don't know why Kristina thinks this is something possible to do: i won't change, because im ok with who i am. Well i guess there will be always someone not satisfied with the person you are.
After all i think it will be worth the effort and participate on her therapy, if she maybe realises, that se just has to be ok with herself, get finally over her mother's death and appreciate, what a wonderful life we actually have, that she doesnt need to waste money for junk and clothes and even more toys for the little one, because he's okay wth just playing with the shovel in the mud, if she just will lower her cellphone when i try to make conversation with her, maybe she will love herself again. I hope so.
Justus helped me a lot finding out more about myself and my behavior. It is how they say, that you grow with your tasks. And having a Baby and see how it grows up is a heard but wonderful task which will teach you more about life then anything else. The is no drug opening your mind or heart or feeling more then the love of your child. I realised, that i don't have to own anything, because you take nothing with you into the grave. But your children, they will stay back and you are not wasted in ashes, because your mind will probably live on in your kids. Even if youre just a pale memory after a while. You can go one day with an open mind and a heartful of love and leave this circus here.
Hell yes, maybe i should tell this at the therapy, but i don't think so.
Am i just a sociopath or is everybody else thinking secretly stuff they don't tell the others around?
Thats enough for today.

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Untitled (624)
I know what is there
I know the love
Waiting
In your chest
A fist
Ready to unclench 

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[972] gotta get better (526)
okay so like
i'm tired of this fight and this conversation and going in circles about the same thing, repeatedly. like fuck, i wish i turned off message tracking so neither of us could see it and i'm sorry i didn't do it sooner because i bet anything if i had, it would be fine and you would have no idea and nobody would be saying shit. 
but i didn't and wow surprise karma comes back to bite you in the ass. good lesson for me to learn i guess but fucking christ. 
and yeah here is the problem: i think you're wrong about this and i'm not trying to gaslight you or try and convince you that you're crazy but i think you ARE oversensitive about this specific issue and i don't think that continuing to chew on it is going to help anybody and especially not us so can we just like, let it go? great, she doesn't care about your characters, guess what, i don't fucking either half the time, but i don't say that to you and technically, neither has she. 
i'm just tired and i want to sleep and have date night without worrying that like, disagreeing is going to get me nailed to the wall. i love everything about you but this sure as shit is your worse trait. 
like fuck i don't know what to say? yeah, she felt pushed out of your plots because so did everyone? we literally talked about this two weeks ago?? i'm sorry i can't condemn her for this because??? i didn't say you were fucking WRONG i just said that like maybe the truth is somewhere in between because it fucking is because everyone handled this situation poorly and like, i don't know, a modicum of fucking compassion or grace would go a long way
but sure we can keep going down this path and that's fine but i'm going to bed right now because i don't want to deal with it
okay good night
(i still love you but man oh man am i starting to realize why relationships are hard sometimes and this might be the first time i don't LIKE you)

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Choppin Wood (75)
Well yesterdays was a long day, returned home from work - which is pissing me off lately a lot. At Home my Wife was stressed out with Justus and his friend. Those two are very cheeky together and listen to shit :) So they were duelling each other with wooden swords in the end and they both got hit bad on their fingers. Everythings still in place, the cried, then it was OK.
Sometimes Boys need to be boys, Kristina doesn't understand that. I Guess this is why Yannik (our big one, hes 16 now) is so soft sometimes. I'm a dinosaur, old fashioned and plump mostly. Yannik met me first, when he was 8 so he was mostly raised by his mother. He call's me dad though since some years and i adopted him. He's my kin but well, hes totally into styling and bodygym and stuff like that, not chopping wood. I think thats ok, but sometimes im a bit disappointed, that he is nor more like me. Love him, though.
After some sunny days it's raining again and i realise, that this is getting deeply on my mood. it all mixes up with concerns about money. Im really afraid of not being able to pay the mortgage anymore. Kristina is blowing out the money faster as i can bring it in. Well, luxury problem i guess.
10-15 Years ago i totally was into writing, after reading my old poems i have to say i still like them. And i envy my younger self to have been so expressive. Now i don't have that expression anymore, i got more realistic and used to hush through the routine. I dont linger in the moment anymore, maybe it's because i dont do drugs anymore, who knows. What i really want to do is write a childrens book. I thought about it since i met yannik 8 years ago. But i just dont have the creative strenght to start with it. Too much family business, to much work, to many concerns. I read on the other day, that someone recently wrote here on sitd, that she's always coming back when she feels lonely. I agree to that. I return here often to be lonely, to have my quiet place where i can hear my thoughs and write them down.
 
 

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[136] Break Down (123)
So I'm posting again - in less than a month. No, it's not a holiday or my birthday. :P
 
I'm hella nervous. Part of my whole year of improvement means I had to make a doctor's appointment to fix a few issues I've had for a while on top of...the appointment to take my GED test. Yup.
So of course I'm freaking out and my anxiety is fucking with me. I hate it. I wish I could be normal and not have my own mind try and drive me crazy. -_-
 
I'm just worried because if I fail this test, it'll severely set me back. I need to pass it so I can move forward with my life and be where I need to be. Where I want to be.
And I've studied a shit ton. I've taken every practice test and gotten in the 80th percentile (you only need 70th to pass) but I still feel nervous. And I wish I could just not.
jivfpvpjvjvoaajofvjopa
 
Wish me luck, I guess.

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getting up (70)
Well, Justus is now getting up in the morning by himsel. Weaponed with a flashlight and his Teddy.
I'm very proud :)

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Summer (76)
It is quite strange how often i return here the last weeks. I remember the active days on sitd, when i was online here for hours in a row stumbling upon the diaries. Is it just me, or is the random function not working anymore?
Last evening my wife had to face the fact, that we are nearly bankrupt. Thats not anything new, but i made my point and it seems that our holidaytrip is not gonna happen (and it was just a few days in a rented appartment, low budget at the lowest budget price)
Sure, there is everything else we need in our lives like electricity, food, water, gas and and and. But im not able to afford a fucking tshirt (from society6.com, nice stuff there) which is driving me mad. I actually earn quite good money and she is aswell, but somehow were spending over our standards, way to much. More her then me, so yeah, i think im just gonna turn 40 this year and will not be able to celebrate because im always blank with the cash. Fucking shit.
This is actually the only thing going wrong atm. I know i should be grateful, which i really am, but this is a hassle.
Renovations should be done: no money, need new shoes: no money. Well what the heck. Fuck that shit.
Oh did i mention, that im gonna organize a summer holiday camp for the kids of our village and the city next to us this year? We expect about 50-70 kids and the whole camp thingy will be a reboot. Its just camping, fire, fun and weird stuff like sand castle competition, were gonna build a pool out of palettes and all these things, the kids see maybe on facebook but never gonna build it anyway, bcause our times are too busy for this.
A nice side effect is, that the kids which live door to door will get to know each other, no tv, rarely internet. Gonna see how it goes :)
 

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11:34am (77)
I always thought i would end up in the US. Starting in the 80s, when i watched all those cool Action or Highschool movies. I loves the Goonies and i thought, one day i will be living in the US, there will be a cool kitchen, where my mom prepares the peanut butter sandwiches (even though i never ever tried peanut butter until i was 20 or so). And then im going out and ride on my Skateboard to the Bus Stop and take a ride into school.
Later on i would play baseball and meet a Girl like Jennifer Grey, which i totally impress with my College Jacket and my abilities to dacne like Kevin Bacon in 'Footloose'.
I would have all the Star Wars Toys, they Showed in 'Joey' even the rare ones, which you couldnt get in Germany in the 80s. I would just be a Rockstar, because i live in the US. I could get all the comics i wanted and order that crazy shit they advertised in it. I would have a gun! Wow, hell yes and i could go to the river in the sunny afternoon, jump from a rope into the cold water and relax on a skiff, while smoking a spliff...
Hell yes, the US were paradise for me when i was a kid / teenager. Not anymore, but i still get that feeling when i watch one of the old movies. I watched Ghostbusters yesterday. And there i was again. That feeling how great it would be to be American - listening to Springsteen and wear the Levis 501 (which i actually still do since i was 13), put on my engineer Boots and hop onto my Indian Motorbike, fucking establishment and just leave up to Adventureland.
Nowadays, the Legends are Dead. There is no Springsteen in Kanye West and no Levis anymore. No Goondocks and no Patrick Swayze in 'Red Dawn'. No Skateboard in Back to the Future and There is no Schwarzenegger or Stallone anymore fighting evil.
CSI is not building up legends.
And there is no point in this entry - except my nostalgic mood.
I hope for my kids, that they will find there own legends, which will build them up in ways, parents can't do.
But hey, i also always wished to go to Canada and build a Log Cabin, Chopping my own Lumber and hunt my food. Maybe i can still do that when im 50 ;-)
Be Well

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1397 (157)
 
"Don't assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can.  If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient."  -Jeffrey Holland
 
"When you find yourself losing patience with God, just remember how patient He has been with you." 
 
"I have not failed.  I have found 1,400 ways in which it won't work."  -Thomas Edison
 
"Anticipating that life will deal you the worst every single day doesn't make you more mature or more realistic, it just makes you no fun to be around ."
 
"Be Happy"  by Hank Smith
Some of this book about patience and posivity just seems to scream at my sister and the boss...
I kinda want to throw this book at them. Maybe hitting them with the happy book will make them happy? mwhaha "Stop hitting your sister!"  "I'm trying to make her happy!"  Is that not how you 'apply' these principles?  jk 
 
 

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Was immer Du denkst... (79)
Lately i was confused, but now i realised. Everything is getting in shape: Women for their bikinis, politicians for their lies at the election (i live in Germany), terrorists for their next attacks, cows for the fresh milk and nature with spring to ressurect from the dripping winter.
Justus is growing up fast, he is a wild child and i totally agree with his soul and his power to explore, search and destroy, create and cry. Dance and sing. Awesome.
Yannik is playing american football since a year which is quite exotic here in Germany, he likes it a lot and is totally happy with that. Old enough to grow a beard now and is starting to work as an electrician in September. Time is slipping through our brains and leaves nothing but emotions and memories.
Kristina is getting more calm and not so angry at everything, i think we're getting closer again and thats good.
And for me? i re-learn to reflect again. Thats not too bad for the beginning.

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[135] Real Me, Inside (105)
Heya, Sit Diary!
So things have been going great lately (which is also probably why I haven't updated in a long while - I've been too busy!)
 
I've lost about 50 lbs so far. I'm really glad that my dieting/hard work has been paying off. I told myself I'd get fit before my 25th birthday and it looks like I'll hit my goal by then.
I've been studying a lot and am prepared to take my GED soon. I'm nervous but I feel like I know enough to pass. If I do, I'll be starting school in June/July so that'll be fun. I'll finally be a college student, woot!
 
I've also been making more money at work which has really helped my morale and general ability to buy fun/nice things, so that's exciting too.
I can't really complain about much, just stupid anxiety hitting me every now and then. But I'm doing my best to combat it little by little.
I've been focusing on baking and stuff like that. I've been getting more people asking me to do things for their parties. Oh, and I'm almost done writing my next book! See, I said busy! :P
 
I really want to update here more. This diary holds a special place in my heart. I never thought I'd be updating it over 10 years later (from when I first started it) but sometimes it's fun to read old entries and see how much I've changed/grown. I'll continue to do so and maybe I can look back and be proud of myself. I'm starting to get that feeling, I just want it to be fully realized.
 
Someday soon.
 
 
<3

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Beyond the Sea (559)
 
I've decided to have a bit of fun with my colour scheme, as the brown - whilst one of my favourite colours and reminiscent of the best of the seasons, autumn - has been unchanged for years, and I felt like trying a brighter update.
 
It's a bit day-glo for me, but I'm trying to expand my comfort zone slightly. Plus, sea blues and greens and beach themes feel peaceful to me. I need as much serenity as I can get. 
It was also very grey today, as it's been for some days, so maybe this will speed the sun's return.
 
I've a busy week ahead, and I'm wondering how I'm going to accomplish everything I need to. In addition to tidying and sorting everything from the move, I've also got commissions for a tattoo design and a flood of mini felt foods (which I design and hand-stitch). I love working on these art projects, I just don't always know where to start. Where the tidying is concerned, I just own too many things! I've done a fair job of collecting a donation pile, but I'm finding I still have a long way to go in terms of reducing.
 
Speaking of which, another area I need to again focus on is losing weight. Between Dec 2016 and Dec 2017 (in fact, year almost to the day), I worked incredibly hard and lost 7st 4 (just over 100 lbs). Unfortunately, the hols ended up being a bit rough emotionally, and this year has been one of the most taxing I've ever had; I got off track and started making poorer food choices and 'found' again 1 st 6 of what I'd lost. I've resolved to correct this, and I know I'll again be successful, I just need to properly apply myself.
 
This sort of public declaration is another way of ensuring I follow suit.
 
 

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What is this? Two days in a row??? (93)
 
I'm actually posting again, and in a timely fashion. This must be madness! I'm on my phone, which I'll likely never do again because it's cumbersome, but I was in the mood to write, and at what better place than this?
 
It's blissfully quiet round here. Hunter is outside exploring our new city (which is more like a town, really, but it has aspirations, and who am I to kill dreams?), Linus is sleeping next to me on the couch, John's daughter is staying with her grandmother for some months (incredibly long story, but it's for the best), and John's at work (the only negative in this scenario). I definitely value my alone time, anyway; and I've a migraine kicking in, so the solitude is especially welcome.
 
I've been reading a book called « Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking », and I absolutely recommend it. I love to read and learn, and I've become increasingly introverted over the years. I think I've always suffered social anxiety, I just took great pains to conceal that - and to convince myself otherwise, as it were - but I'm much more comfortable these days occupying myself and vocalising my preference for keeping things low-key and/or one-to-one.
 
(I have an account on Goodreads, and I'd set a reading challenge for myself this year to finish 52 books; this is my 38th, so I'm quite ahead of schedule, but reading is one of my favourite pastimes. If you'd ever care to suggest a title or author, please do!)
 
This weekend, we plan to have a little fire in the back garden, and I'm looking forward to it. We bought some tiki torches for the deck, and John's as enthusiastic as I am to decorate with a mid-century Hawaiian/surf theme. We've got classic '40s and '50s film stars and diner décor throughout the house; but this was a seasonal residence for the prior owners (their summer home), and the location and design make it feel like we're perpetually on holiday, so why not have a little Polynesian Party atmosphere outside?
 
Our internet is going to be set up tomoz, which is almost a week earlier than originally scheduled, but I've got to tidy our living room so the technician will be able to accomplish something. We've got about 85-90% of everything put away since moving in on the 10th, but this last bit has felt interminable. We've been working so diligently for weeks, the lazy greys have set in, haha. 
 
Time to get to work!
 
 

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1394 (193)
 
" acknowledge and face your weaknesses [fears] , but don't be immobilized by them , because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life." 
-Jorg Klebingat
 
 

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Boom-Booms! (87)
 
I was looking for an account of mine on Google when this came up in the results. Yey!
 
In other news, my memory has not improved. 
 
This has been an exceptionally busy year, with April being the zenith thus far. I've just turned 34 (though sitD doesn't realise that yet. Shh.), and I had an introvert's dream of a birthday: quality time with John, a trip to the bookshop, a film at a quiet cinema, and an excess of cake (OK, that one is everyone's dream). We've moved house - literally: We bought a house, and it's half a block away from what I call our supa' fresh sea (Lake Michigan, which makes all other lakes seem like puddles. No  salt, no sharks, win win), and we can even hear the waves over Hunter's incessant teen-aged hostility!* ;)
 
Our internet isn't connected yet (they couldn't get us in for a month!), so I'm using the WiFi at Big Apple Bagels right now, & I pop to our new library when I can (though, admittedly, I get so distracted by the books I forget to go online). I've distanced myself heavily from Facebook, as I don't have the time lately, nor the patience for the influx of superficiality or reminders that Trump is president (in my head, it's peripheral at best; I try to pretend that didn't really happen when I'm feeling especially stressed). I'll try to spend my time here a bit more (where have we read that before?), as it's a much more calming influence & I'm at the point in life where I need to embrace my introversion instead of trying to conceal it.
 
I hope all of you are well out there! 
 
________
*Hunter is John's 14-year-old, who lives with us.

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Friends (113)
Well, i love my friends. Actually after a long and rocky way through life there is only my kindergarden pal left, which i know since i was 6. He's still my best friend and knows me better then everybody else.
Sometimes we meet up for a coffee or beer, so we did this morning and had a chat. He's talking into me and i'm doing the same to him. We discuss about reasonability and about cars and women.
Like that. I really appreciate that, i guess the older you get the less friends you're gonna have.
Also im grateful lately to have sitd here, i have he need to write sometimes just some thoughts and feelings off my soul.
Thanks scott for keeping this up!
 

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howl (98)
No i don't want to keep doing this. sweep me away, let me float on out of this. everything feels so heavy. i'm going to miss this buffer. it's time to let go for a bit and try something else for a change.
 
but really i'm just waiting to dissolve.
the day will come.

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1391 (451)
 
"If you can't dazzle them with brillance, baffle them with bullshit." 
-W.C. Fields
 
 
 

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the moment you said: "tonight, i will be fun", instead of: "i will have fun" (180)
as you try to piece together the series of feelings that brought you to this moment, you realize that those feelings just don’t equate the sense of shame, self-hate, and resentment you feel. by then, it’s too late to stop—you’ve already reached the moment. the moment when you’re looking at your body being used by another; the moment you’ve detached yourself from the act; the moment where you’re feeling yourself being penetrated; the moment where the friction between your legs just stopped being enjoyable; the moment you realize, it was never meant to be. you were never meant to act this way, but you’ve choreographed the play that brought you to this bed. you’ve conversed, you’ve agreed, you’ve given consent. 
yes, this was not a story of rape.  no, this is your fault.
pinned in this moment, you let him finish. meanwhile, your mind mind replays the previous moments where you could’ve stopped yourself from getting here. on repeat, you let out a calculated moan to convince yourself yourself that this is what you need. you curse your reason for not falling for it knowing damn well that somewhere during the night you lost your ability to reason. yet now you know. it came to you like a distant memory. in and out, then out again and in deeper...into your consciousness until you clearly remembered, in this moment, that you did not lose your ability to reason tonight. reason was ignored; tonight, you really needed to suppress what was raging inside your heart in any way you could. you caught the wrong feelings and those started weeks/months ago and tonight, despite your efforts, the man inside you was the wrong man at the right place, because the right man was at a girl’s place. the shame, the self-hate, the resentment...the friction, this is all your fault, but the pity, the only feeling that brought you to this moment, that was him.
 
no, i never grew up.

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1389 (233)
I ate a whole box of girl scout cookies yesterday.  Tagalongs. mmm peanut butter.
I make snide comments to myself a lot throughout the day, and yell, and complain.
I can like literally watch the sweat pour out of me.  For no apparent reason.
I know the weather is a lot warmer than it normally is in March, but this much sweat only comes a few days when I'm off the pill. 
I can't stand the feel of my skin, the sweat.
I can't let any body part touch any other part of my body because of contact of skin.
Keep my hands apart, keep material between my thighs, don't put my arms down, dont bend your elbows.  
I can't stand the smell of me either because of the sweat.
I just want to go home and scrub myself raw. 
Peel all my clothes off and wash them immediately.  As if that would stop the sweating for the night.
I can drink a lot of water when I'm off the pill though.  Between the blood loss and the sweat, I can down any drink.  Even pop.
Oh how I long to touch my phone screen without my fingers sticking.  
Oh how I long for a smooth dry swipe or texting conversation. 
Food, which usually sounds practical, is an absurd idea now. 
I love artichoke and spinach dip for some reason even though I dislike both those ingredients.  
So recently the thought of actually eating spinach or artichokes, knowing they're in such dip, makes me sick. 
There's actually spinach in there!  And artichokes!  I can taste them individually now. I can smell them in there!
And of course, speaking of smell, I can smell -everything- all the time. 
Which also doesn't help with the food idea. 
It literally comes in waves, in seconds, "Oh, that sounds good to eat." Five seconds later after a few thoughts and smells roll through my head, "Oh, I am not eating that." 
 
And this is only four days off the pill. 
Imagine if I attempted to get my body to regulate my periods by going off the pill forever. 
This is juss a precursor, a glimpse of my future if I were to become pregnant.  *shudder*
 
Happy Saint Patricks Day!
My only green shirt I have that fits me now, and isn't long sleeve to slowly kill me in this heat, is my stick figures with the caption "I didn't hit you.  I high-fived your face!" 
Beauty and the Beast comes out today!  I want to go see it so bad. 
So while you are all out getting drunk and/or partying tonight.... 
I'll be curled up in bed, groaning in pain, watching a movie and eating a tub of cookie dough I acquired for free with a recent pizza purchase (mainly because the pizza suddenly didn't sound good to eat anymore). 
Don't judge me.
 
 

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A strange place (606)
It's strange how I always come back here, just to check the place out. Like when you go back to your hometown and you drive past your childhood home. It's sad and nostalgic and reminds me of times when I was very, very stupid. 
 
But god, I made so many amazing, real connections with some amazing people that I'd never actually meet. This was the first open space in which I felt comfortable with myself. I was a weird fucking kid, and this place was full of other weird fucking kids like me, and it was the greatest thing. 
So many people I wish would see this. I have this tiny hope that I'm not the only one that comes around here every few years or so. maybe I just need a reminder that there were times when I was worse off than things seem now. I mean, being in my 30's seriously blows. It's this age of feeling like I should be successful by now, but I'm still young enough that I'm terrified by the opportunity to be a success.
 
I start an internship in Pasadena next summer (I missed the deadline for this one). Next time they send a rover to Mars or some distant moon, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the scared-looking one in the corner with the hipster Lacoste glasses.
 
Kate
 
 

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1388 (244)
 
 
"Nevertheless, She Persisted"
 
 
 
 
-A Day Without A Woman protest
 
 

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