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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.






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Recent Posts

40 (3)
20 years ago i never thought i'd reach this day alive: i turned 40!
Thank you Mum :)

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Dear Gary Fan 336 (4)
Oh dear Lord. How much has changed. My love and I have been together for over two years now. We've moved in together and actually made our first adult buy yesterday. Hes the sweetest man in the world. He still has his struggles but he goes above and beyond when he knows I'm not at my best. I really don't know where Id be with out this man in my life. I doubt I would have pursued my doctoral degree with out him.. He has so much faith in me, sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve that man's love.. Anywho - life is amazing, it has its ups and downs but there less daunting when I have him by my side. 

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Yep (41)
German music got better the last years:

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Hello Weenie! (31)
Halloween isn't THAT thing here in Germany but it crawls upon all of us the last 20 Years or so.
My little one went out the first time trick and treatin' this year and he wanted to be a mummy :D
I need new first aid kits for both cars now.
We sat long in the backyard around the fire had beer and eggnog, ordered a pizza and listened to Bob Marley. Some neighbours came over, some not. Whatever, it was a great evening.

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1429 (62)
Floo powder, Mudbloods, Mandrakes, Whomping Willow, flying cars, Gringotts, goblins, dragons, Scabbers, prefect, Bloody Baron, Peeves, Dark Arts, Chocolate Frogs, Diagon Alley, Muggles, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Leaky Cauldron, Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, Daily Prophet, Sickles and Knuts, Dursleys, Black Forest, Nimbus Two Thousand, Flourish and Blotts, Hedwig, Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore, Sorting Hat, Quidditch, Kings Cross, Platform 9 and 3/4, Nearly Headless Nick, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Hogwarts, Voldemort, Moaning Myrtle, Weasleys, Harry Potter!
Oh how I've missed these words and have forgotten how happy they make me when I read them again. 

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1427 (42)
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, buttercup,
But my rights don't end where your feelings begin." 

"If you want to love me, 
You better be a storm chaser." 
-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

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1426 (27)
A day for me.  A cheap date for myself.
Made chili when I got home.  mmm
I skipped Ward Visits last night.
I refused any responsibility that night. 
I spent $1.23 on a movie instead.  I wanted to laugh.
Logan Lucky.   Made me laugh.   Reminded me of my brothers.
Bought an ICEE for $1.69 at the gas station and got my own popcorn at home.
Came home and watched Cloverfield.  A movie where everyone dies! 
I want to watch scary/halloween movies from now until Halloween. 
Already watched Corpse Bride. 
Hocus Pocus, Nightmare Before Christmas, What Lies Beneath, Cloverfield, Edward Scissorhands, Gremlins, Jaws, Jurassic Park, 1408, Priest, (the ones I own) etc. 
Need more Channing Tatum tho after Logan Lucky.  Jupiter Ascending. 
I think I own Dear John maybe it might be that one.  
Had the sudden urge to watch Juno again too. 
I took pictures of myself laying in a grassy spot full of leaves.  I love leaves! 
I had my roommate take some pictures too.  I cropped, framed, and colored them to make them look better.  And then figured out how to post them on Facebook.  Yay.   I quite like them. 
The last "professional" pictures I took was last year this month.  It seems I am okay taking pics of me to post to the world once a year, always in October. 
My favorite month!  Pumpkin everything!  And endless shrimp at Red Lobster with me Mum around her bday! 
I'm feeling impulsive!  Oohh Amazon! This is not going to be good...  The period must be coming. 

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Autumn (52)
Well, it seems that autumn works on mostly everything. The anger, the arguments and the hate has died. My need for a diary vanished again and i'm not feeling so pissed off all the time. Thanks autumn, for killing the negativity (is that even a word).

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Good old days (19)
It’s like it never happened 

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1425 (27)
"Eventually you will end up where you need to be
With who you're meant to be with
And doing what you should be doing." 
"If you have a bad thought about yourself
Tell it to go to hell
Because that is exactly where it came from"
-Brigham Young
"You're gonna meet one great girl in this life.
And from the moment you meet her, you'll know she's trouble.
She's gonna be weird. She's gonna have attitude.
She's gonna make you do things you haven't done.
She'll make you see things, she'll make you feel."

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Untitled (88)
I feel like I have to pee, but through my eyes

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The one that got away (114)
We would have been there.
I know you have seen everything.
Just come back.
I feel like it is no coincidence I check back the same day you did.
I need you to know I am here no matter what. 

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[139] Shadows Still Remain (94)
It's been awhile since I've made an entry. I don't know what to say other than it sucks but it's hard to remember to update here when I have so many things going on in real life all the time.
I'm in my second semester of college and it's been pretty good so far. The work is pretty daunting but I'm fighting to keep my perfect GPA.
As of yesterday I've moved into what I hope is my permanent living situation - for at least a few years, anyway. I haven't been in a house in a while so it's nice to not be in an apartment anymore. I can blast my music again. Which is really good.
I've been working hard on my projects and trying to get them to completion. I am hoping to finish with them by December. Which means a shit ton of baking, two books out, and my TCG ready to be Kickstartered.
I've also started talking to a few people from the SC again. It's been really great and I'm glad we're able to talk and let go of the previous BS drama. Probably helps that I've matured and I'm sure they have also. But it's nice.
I've been fighting again to get my anxiety in order...which always happens this time of year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it just sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be fully rid of it. Probably not, but I gotta have hope. And I refuse to let it stand in my way.
I'm going to do great things.

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1422 (88)
Accomplishment today :  Parking the truck on first attempt (far away from other cars, of course) AND backing out of my stall and driving away on the first try (without a three point turn to avoid hitting the neighbors car). 
yay!  It only took til day four to do these things....
Borrowed my sisters truck to get a new couch.  Traded my little tiny car for the truck. 
With her husband gone to Japan it all seemed to work out, me coming to get the truck, she driving me to it, me driving it back, people buying things from her storage unit that day in droves, her sudden idea of emptying out her storage unit with the rest of the cabinets the last day of the month so she wouldn't have to pay another month,  me being there so she has a truck and a driver to help transport, us taking both vehicles and filling them up to reduce trips to storage unit, and the two of us and her son being able to manhandle all the stuff from storage, to truck to garage in the dark and in the rain.  Yaay.  Accomplishments. 
Then I got a new couch on Tues.  Yay. 
Now I just need to get rid of the old couch.  More accomplishments!

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apples (88)
Everything's good. Mostly.

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1418 (59)
This will be the generation, the time for a new one to go down in the history books,
where a war will be started by a tweet from the President. 
Our forefathers are probably turning in their graves, appalled. 

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1417 (67)
Happy Birthday my Maylee baby! 
5 yrs old!  Yer tall enough you don't look 5 tho. 
Just missed the kindergarten cut off, have to wait until next year.
Bummer, you can't go to kindergarten with your cousin Gunner.
But you can go to kindergarten with the twins next year. 
I got you a white Build-A-Bear you can dress up.  It came with the disney pink dress, big girl underwear with Minnie Mouse on it and the Minnie Mouse ears with veil.  I also bought a Happy Birthday cupcake for the bear to hold when you opened the present too. 
I gave you some money and you went and picked out some skates and a helmet for the bear today on your birthday.   Hopefully you got to go mini golfing with your grandparents and a few cousins to celebrate today. 
I was thinking about my Aunt Patsy and how much she has influenced me in my life choices and how much I want her to be involved in my future choices.  I hope I can influence you my dear Maylee, even if in just a tiny way, like Patsy did for me. 
"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." 
-Thomas Monson : Finding Joy in the Journey 

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1416 (84)
Last week every time the boss called my name, it was usually followed by some cursing...
I though it slightly odd.  I finally figured out why. 
He called my name and I was close enough one time I heard his cell phone chime right afterward and Siri talk to him, followed by his cursing and fumbling with his phone. 
Apparently my name, starting with an "S" always triggers Siri on his phone when he talks to me. 
Slightly hilarious. 
"Life's too short, babe
Time is flyin'
I'm looking for baggage
to go with mine"

Read 1 comments.
Headache (60)
Grinding my Jaw again a lot since a week or so my head is detonation everything few seconds.
Hope that there not to many victims of Irma.
-be well

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1414 (61)
OneRepublic concert with Maddy last night!
Maddy's first concert.  
I'm not sure what you call those concerts that are tame and polite with no questionable folks, no police standing by, sitting in an auditorium, sitting in assigned seats, clapping at the right moments, entering and exiting punctually, silently listening to the music and/or the lyrics. 
But this was her first concert where no one came on time, lots of beer, police everywhere, everyone on a lawn outside standing, rocking out or dancing and most singing along at the top of their lungs. 
"Yes I'm neurotic, I'm obsessed and I know it
Can't take vacations in the brain
Or believe me, I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor, said to take one of these
And call me in the morning.
Think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better"
"So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people, places from the future and the ancient past 
Of every one of those, which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash" 
-OneRepublic : Better

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eightofnine (74)
Darn, another Post not visible anymore :) A pity. I liked them and sometimes i re-read due to language issues.

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time (48)
there was a time when i was counted, i was visible and all that surrounded me was as it was. now i sit in this golden cage. no trouble of any kind. my name is clear. even the poorest aren't labeled "clandestine". my question is what else? how else? i gave up my tongue to assimilate. i sacrificed community. my roots. what else. what else is needed. how much more is needed? everything that i have, all that i have accomplished has been done with the help from people that care. there has been no aid from the government or state. what else. what else. what else.
rhetorical questions. all of them. i know the answers. the world owes me nothing. i owe the government and state nothing. those that have stepped in to lessen the burden are all blood. even within them there's disorder. 
another lifetime of limbo.
it really fucks with my paradigm. this "other" label. being on the outside. hiding. the secrets. fear of being followed, watched, discovered.

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Soup (52)
Woot! i started a new online Journal today on a german site which still has a community.
Actually i'm not sure if i need a new community, niether will i give a fuck if it happens to be no member of it - as long as i can write in german sometimes.
I'll never be untrue to you dear sitd, i promise.
Gonna start sorting that alphabet soup today.

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Backflip (51)
After i was totally apathic, on drugs, isolated and far from social competence i finally made a therapy when i was 18. The Therapy helped me over the 5 years i went through it and i finally started living....somehow.
Today i startet my second appointment on my new therapy - which i initially did for my wife, to reflect my behavior. It's the same therapist, so the opening is quite easy, she already knows my past and i think i can start now on working out to be a kid of alcoholics. With all the side effects that comes with that when you grow up in such an environment. I lie and its normal for me, i keep troubles inhouse and never let the curtain fall in public for problems which are haunting at home. I seem to get it.
Maybe it's that im not able to have a relationship due to this. Maybe i can fix myself. Whatever.
I don't do this for me, not for my wife either, but for my kids - they shall not live emotionally disguised.
There is one Picture i always loved from the catholics: the Pelican which feeds its breed with is own flesh. I always liked that and tried to sacrifice myself for others: my friends, my wife, my kids. Latter are the most important in this metaphore.  I don't know if i re-invent myself and probably it was all true, what i thought i'd be when i was younger. Maybe it's just that the role i'm playing since i was a kid implements to have a happy life, be a working man and have a house, family, car, tractor, barn and all that shit. It's all not important, for when i die i just want to leave my kids back as proper human beings, with their heads up high. My Dad always fed his own flesh to him.
I remember when i was a kid, i used to be at my Grandma's place every holidays, i stayed there then for 3 weeks or more, i loved her and she loved me. I always wondered, why she wasn't drinking, why there wasnt any beer or booze in the cellar or the fridge. No wine in the afternoon or empty booze flasks everywhere stashed in the barn as it was at my parents place. She told me once as i asked her:'because it's not necessary, i don't drink that stuff'. I didn't understand that. I just couldnt, because it was normal to me to have this around.
I always thought: grown ups just always drink that stuff, like i drink water or lemonade.
My Dad is now dead since 10 Years and i sometimes still find empty flasks at my mum's place, which were stashed by him. Then i sigh. I don't think often of him, but i always remember him, when i see an empty bottle of booze laying aomewhere. He decided for that, took my mum with into that, hell yes, she is still dying slowly through her throat, not able quit drinking - BECAUSE IT's NORMAL FOR HER.
Thing which hurts the most is, that in fact my childhood disappears and comes up as a cheat.
My Wife uses this often against me. When we're arguing the sentence 'i know where you come from' mostly silences me and throws me in a hole - just shortly i fall and feel my stomach turn - then i grab my dad while i fall and hold on his positive abilities and the hole is spitting me out again. I cannot fall through to the bottom and have a hard landing, because i dont want my good memories to be smashed in the dark and let them be shattered like eggshell - don't want to loose my heart. Fact seems to be: i have to realise what happened and accept that without having the fear to destroy my memories. I don't know if you know what i mean, do you?

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Campfire Communications (59)
I made a campfire in our garden yesterday and we sat and talked. Everytime i try to explain my feelings she doesn't understand. Apperently i dont understand hers neither. I don't know what will come out of this. At least we talked. Sex this morning was routine. Im close to the point to realise for myself that we're not loving each other anymore. This is quite hard and i feel like i totally messed it up - mostly for my young son. I cannot stand the thought only to see him some times a week, neither can i go work less and take him to me. If i leave i leave a family and not a woman. This is always displayed as something with a happy end in some hollywood flick, but it isn't. I carry more on my shoulders, then i can bare - since years only to make it right for the kids. I think im gonna chose this if she agrees, to carry on. I only need stamina for the kids - nothing else. I feel numb with her, i walk around, drive around looking for a shelter in strangers eyes and i dont think this is how it's supposed to be an a good relationship. Im not sure what is going on. But i like the songwriters lately - i can reflect myself, but not the way she want's me to. Since my teenager days it always was the same: when i was depressed or just lonely i wrote. I cannot mention often enough how happy i am to have this diary still.

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Idle (57)
I'm idling here now since more then a week daily during my officetimes. There is noone coming online.
I wonder who theses 20+ Guests are, always displayed on the front page. I read a lot of old diaries of people i used to write with here and also a ton of 'new' old diaries. I guess i fell in love with this place again. At the moment, this is my asylum.

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the turn (47)
I still remember the music. I remember a few words that were exchanged, the night. why today? why? At least this time my knees didn't give in. What could I do? I saw you turn, I turned away. It was a mixture of fear and repulsion. Curiosity brought my gaze back. It was you. why were you still here? i'm so glad everything's online. It was too much. fuck.

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Fallin into pieces (62)
In letzter Zeit sehe ich die Sachen abgeklärter und bin gefasster auf das, was kommen könnte.
Allein der Gedanke, das ich Justus nicht täglich in meinem Leben haben könnte schmerzt so sehr, das ich bereit bin alles auf mich zu nehmen, um die Ehe zu retten. Ob ich hierbei glücklich werde weiss ich nicht. Vielleicht ist es auch gar nicht so tragisch, sich zu trennen. Das wird meine Leidensfähigkeit zeigen und vielleicht ziehe ich tatsächlich eines Tages noch mal in mein Elternhaus.
Der Besuch bei Frank's Eltern, knapp 4 Wochen nach seinem Tod hat mich sehr mitgenommen, seine Wohnung, seine Sammlungen von Dingen, die er als wichtig empfand bedeutet für die Hinterbliebenen bloss Arbeit und Trauer, die wenigsten Dinge werden bestehen bleiben, aber zerstreut in alle Windrichtungen, sein Garten, ein detailliert verliebtes Lebenswerk ist bereits verwildert, die Pflanzen bäumen sich schreiend in die Höhe um nach ihm zu greifen.  Dramataisch, aber so schien es mir gerade.
Da eine Menge Drogen in seinem Leben vorkamen, haben einige alte 'Freunde' den Gedenkzustand von Facebook zu schnell wie möglich veranlasst. Schade für die Eltern und schade für all diejenigen, die nun gegebenfalls Ihrer gerechten Strafe entgehen. Durch diesen Fakt ist für mich letztendlich das Thema der alten Kumpel komplett erledigt. Ich denke, es besteht eine Schuld, die nicht beglichen werden wird. Und das hat Frank nicht verdient, auch wenn er sich sein Schicksal selbst gewählt hat.
Mein Schicksal wird mich auch treffen, ich werde unter der Wahrheit leiden und allerhöchstens lernen ob es das alles wert war.

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Frank's Good Bye (65)
We Deceided to play Frank one of his favorites on his funeral.
I knew that he loved it and i promised him long time ago to manage it.
Feast of friends, fare the well my friends.
Feast of friends, Jim Morrison
Wow, I'm sick of doubt
Live in the light of certain
South Cruel bindings
The servants have the power
Dog-men and their mean women
Pulling poor blankets over
Our sailors I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the TV
Towers, I want roses in
My garden bower; dig?
Royal babies, rubies
Must now replace aborted
Strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal
For the plant that's plowed They are waiting to take us into
The severed garden
Do you know how pale and wanton thrillful
Comes death on a strange hour
Unannounced, unplanned for
Like a scaring over-friendly guest you've
Brought to bed
Death makes angels of us all
And gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's
No more money, no more fancy dress
This other kingdom seems by far the best
Until it's other jaw reveals incest
And loose obedience to a vegetable law
I will not go
Prefer a Feast of Friends
To the Giant Family


We miss you, all of us.

love you.



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Everythings done so far. (59)
Summer Holidays are over and now everything's a desaster. My wife and me organized a Holiday Camp for kids and teens in the last week of summer vacation. We got into a big fight and now it seems all broken -again-.
If it wasnt for the kids, id leave her, its eating my energy and happiness, to always argue and get blamed for everything.
This and that mixed up with old stories. It all makes me sick. But i cannot leave the boys. the little one is too young to be alone and the big one shall be on his own feet first.
Due to it's always my fault, whatever happened, i agreed to marriage counselling and aswell i'll do a therapy to clear my issues. On the one hand i think it will help me on the other hand i think it will not help my marriage.
Best thing would be: grab the kids and live with them alone and my wife goes into an ash ram or something.
im growing old lately. i feel old and i will never be as free as i wanted to be. But thats ok.

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[138] Let Our Hearts Bleed (157)
Hello Diary.
I haven't written in quite a while! I know, I'm guilty. Sue me. Okay please not really...I'm sorry ;_;
I've been very busy. For starters, as I said before, I got my GED and I have started my first semester of college. It hasn't been too difficult but it hasn't been easy either. It's been interesting.
I also went to my bi-yearly vacation and hung out with friends. I made a bunch of new friends and just had a good time...too good of a time, in my opinion. I gained back like 15 lbs which I'm now currently back on track to losing. I couldn't start at the gym immediately because of getting con crud right after which took like two weeks to go away -_- meh.
The semester is almost done for me. I submitted my last work and am waiting for the grades. And then I get a month off to do whatever I want. Yay.
My birthday is in a week. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'll be the big 25. I still feel the same as I did when I was a teenager, just a bit less naive. I hope that never changes. I don't want to be that dick who forgets what it's like to be young and keep a fresh perspective on things. But anyway, I have a whole week of fun planned out for my birthday so I have a lot to look forward to.
I'll end this here.

Read 1 comments.
1413 (192)
It started July 1, 2017.
Its now August 4, 2017.
It's been a month.
I'm now getting love letters and love confessions and little gifts.
I think I gave it my best try.
I really did.  I didn't half-ass this one.  So don't accuse me of it.
I really wanted it to work.  For both of us. 
But I'm not feeling it.  And I have to go with my feelings.
(At this point my mother would say: What does love have to do with marriage? and/or say something along the lines of me being too picky or having too high expectations)
But this can't go on any longer.
I just...can't.
We need to talk. 
I just wish there was someone out there who didn't fall in love with me within hours. Someone who didn't want to kiss me.  Someone who didn't want to marry me.  
Can't I just have a friend?  Just one friend.  That's not married! That's a guy. That's chill.
I know, I know.  There's girls out there with the exact opposite problem. 
The grass is always greener on the other side, eh?
Who knew one of the dating concerns I'd have is when is it appropriate to ask to see the divorce decree? 
If one more guy tells me he's divorced, he better freakin' be divorced.  I want proof. 
Oh wait, that's right, they never approach that subject, I'M the one that has to ask if they are in fact divorced. 
Call me crazy, but I think I have some preservations and standards when it comes to kissing a married man. 

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1412 (78)
"I've got issues, I've got scars
And the color is just like yours
I was broken right from the start
I'm not different than you are
I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly flawed
And my scratches don't hurt much at all
But just like you, I've got issues
Am I unwell, cause I don't understand
Is this what they say it is, to be human"
-Issues:  James Durbin

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Frank is dead (122)
I guess only Tara will remeber him as 'abnormal' here on sitd back in the days.
He was my friend - one of my best friends. He passed away on Saturday night at home at the age of 41.
Be well my friend.

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1408 (128)
"One always has a better book in one's mind than one can manage to get onto paper" 
-Michael Cunningham
"Books serve to show man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all." 
-Abraham Lincoln 
"It is what you read when you don't have to that will determine what you will be when you can't help it." 
-Oscar Wilde
"Great books help you understand, and they help you feel understood." 
-John Green
"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." 
-P.J. O'Rourke
"There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book." 
-Josh Jameson

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Heritage (86)
After some talks with my 4 year old son about my dad, i figure finally that not everything i learned from him is good. My dad was an after-war child of the WW2 here in Germany. With a lot of siblings they didn't have much, neither food or toys for the kids. They were just there to work and left on their own.
Having to be grown up with 14 and go to an 45hour week then was something different then todays lives.
Thats the apologize that he was stealing, drinking, being a hothead and not really a dad who cared for my feelings. It was normal for him to go to the creek and show me how to catch fish with bare hands, even though it is forbidden here to just go and fish. He always owned a rifle even it's illegal in Germany without a permission.He never told me to be reasonable and calm, never how to respect women, never not to abuse alcohol and drugs.
He in fact told me, that when i find something, that i can take it. So i always did.
He was good in many ways, and it was good that he showed me that.
But even better is, that my son knows that all this is wrong:
-not respecting
-lying (he's doing that, but he knows it's wrong and he's ashamed of it)
Well he's into hunting, he wants to become a hunter one day, but i guess there is no bad dream a kid can have. Also he is 4 and i think this will change soon.
I'm very grateful to my dad, because he raised me to a person which has to learn everything alone. Even raising kids i had to learn by myself, but i think im doing it right. I'm not a drunk daddy who doesn't care. Or better only cares about his stuff. I will raise my Kids not to be afraid to talk about their feelings to me. They don't have to be afraid to get a harsh critic when they just want to open their hearts.
I discover this now, shortly before i turn 40.
My mum is left behind, she is still drunk, still gives me money to show me her love and she's still destroying herself. I cannot stop her, neither i will continue trying to. I will focus on my kids and wife.
I never thought it would be so important to decide to the family, not the heritage one, but the chosen one.
And i'm grateful for my son who shows my how to become a better person.
Thank you.

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Is it just me? (251)
Years ago... roughly ten years ago in fact... this site... it died. 
Not a clear sudden death. It was more like a slow atrophy where the neglect of one user begat the neglect of another. 
I watched and waited wide eyed and hopeful for a last gasp of life for a time but ultimately I too sought self expression elswhere. 
In a bout of irony I find the once vibrant roaring fire of a community to have cooled and the smoke has disapated as I return here hoping... 
Almost 15 years of blogging and what have I to show for it?
Two ghost towns. 

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Twisted Chapter 26 (335)
Michael stared at his grown daughter and the man next to her.  He knew that dark look and destested the man and his family.  Their intertwined hands churned his stomach and his jaw clenched.  He wanted to protect her from the darkness that family brought but it appeared she had made her choice.
"I see Leon didn't heed my advice."
Kara felt the grip tighten around her hand and said "I chose him."
Michael swallowed the digust and sighed "Well at least you have a decent protector, despite the condition he appears to be in."
A low growl responded and she glanced up at Joseph.  His black eyes were locked with Michael's brown gaze and she slowly stepped ahead of him.  Their hands remained linked but she asserted her position to keep both males in check.
"You called me.  What do you want?"
"I wanted to see you.  I could feel your power growing and needed to reach out."
"I have been fine on my own until now.  What changed?"
He sighed and asked "Do you know what happens when we die Kara?"
"You come back apparently."
She sounded annoyed and it left him startled.  All this time he had hoped his little girl would still be somewhere inside her waiting to see him again.  All that stood before him was a honed warrior from both decisions her parents made.
"I didn't want to leave you or your mother.  I had to provide enough time for you to get to safety."
"I didn't come here for excuses, Dad."
Michael saw the grip between them tighten and Joseph shoulder brush hers.  He could see the agitation growing in her and her mate was responding.  The atmosphere was starting to grow hot and he took a deep breath.
"I understand."
Kara let out a sigh and said "I'm not wasting my time.  Just say what you have to say."
"I want to help you control that fire."
"I don't need your help."
"Yes you do."
She finally released Joseph's hand and said "I've done a pretty good job all this time.  No thanks."
He watched her turn away and the two start walking into the dense forest.  He cleared his throat and said the only thing he knew that could stop her.
"If you want more children you will listen."
They both stopped and he watched them exchange looks before she finally faced him once more.
"I'm listening."
"The war you are preparing for is not going to be in your favor.  There will be casualties but I can teach you how to survive."
"How long?"
"You cannot be in a rush Kara."
She felt Joseph take her hand once more and heard "We have our people to get back to.  She can't waste time out here."
Michael met the man's gaze and said "Then I will come with you.  I can show you on the way."
"I'd prefer we wait until we get there.  Your arrival isn't going to sit well."
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly with a nod.  She turned away again and he watched the two shift to their wolf forms.  Joseph looked back at him and Kara shook her head.  His gaze settled on her once more and she walked on ahead.  Michael watched the enormous black wolf look at him once more and nodded slowly.
He climbed on the wolf's back and gripped some of his scruff as Joseph took off to catch up.  The ride was awe inspiring as he flew through the trees and saw the world in their view.  Kara made them stop for the night at dusk and he slid off carefully.  She was next to her mate instantly and inspecting his wounds before she let up. Joseph shifted and rested against a tree across a burning fire from him.
Kara remained in her wolf form and rested her head on his leg with her gaze on her father.  Michael kept his distance as he watched the man run his hand through her soft coat.  Slowly the man closed his eyes and Michael watched Kara finally release her form.  She carefully moved to the fire and glanced back at him.
"Is he asleep?"
"Some.  He can still sense what I am doing."
"He overexerted himself."
She smirked and said "That's typical."
"For one in so much pain he is recovering fast.  Too fast."
She heard the old fatherly tone and met his gaze.  The man must have picked up on the small amount of phoenix blood in Joseph and her spine straightened.
"I did what I had to do."
"It's dangerous mixing bloods Kara.  It could've killed him."
"It was the only option.  His wounds were too severe.  I barely managed to keep him tied to me."
"How much?"
"Only once.  He refuses any more."
Michael sighed and raked a hand through his hair.  "You'll have to make him."
He looked at the man and caught his black eyes on them.  She was right about him being aware.  He had followed their entire conversation and looked ready to interject.
"Once phoneix blood is given it takes more than just the initial injection for the body to acclimate to the changes."
"I can't."
He caught a shoulder and said "Joseph's body will give out if he doesn't take more.  He is healing too fast.  You should be able to sense that."
Slowly she looked over her shoulder at her mate and saw him give a single nod.
"How did you give him blood the first time?"
"His food."
"It needs to be a pure strain.  No mixing it.  That should reduce the number of transfusions."
Kara met Joseph's black eyes once more and watched him close them.  She turned back to her father and stood up.  He watched her smother the fire until it was gone and met her green eyes.
"I can give you tips to making it easier."
She shook her head and said "I will be fine."
Michael stood as she walked back to Joseph and slipped into the brush to give them some privacy.  Kara heard him climb into a nearby tree for the night and shifted as she curled up next to a strong leg.  Her soft head rested on his knee and she felt his hand slide through her coat again.
'I'll be fine without it.'
'No he is right.'
'We'll talk about it in the morning.'
She looked up at his tired face and picked up on his quiet pulse.  The man's exhaustion ate at her just as much as the muffled pain and she let out a sigh as her eyes fell closed.  Her mind's walls dropped and she slipped into his chaotic thoughts.  The pain still ripped through her like knives and she pushed passed it to wrap around him for the night.  He finally allowed her assistance as he drifted into the calm sleep she provided.
They slept through the night and at dawn she slowly stirred.  Her body was rested but her mind weary from the night's battles. Slowly she rose from beside him and stretched her limbs loose.  She released her wolf form and closed herself off to just her senses.  She could hear the nearby creek and feel the cool morning breeze fighting off the early warmth of the sun rays.
Their breakfast was a good fifty feet away eating grass and she looked down at Joseph.  She hadn't hunted much since he started recovering but she knew he needed the nutrition.  Shoving the dread aside, she left the campsite and shifted as she stalked the oblivious doe.  Her mind had found a way to protect itself while he was bedridden and the anguish the animals emitted bounced off the walls.  She strike hard and fast, putting the doe out of her misery quick and drug the kill back to camp.
She quietly ate her fill and slipped off again to get a drink.  The creek was cool against her paws and she cleaned her face.  A single twig snapping brought her ears to attention and she looked over her shoulder.  The black wolf approached with blood on his muzzle and she licked it off.  He nudged her shoulder and took a quick drink before releasing his form.
Kara joined him on the graze and relaxed to persistant sun rays breaking through the upper tree canopy.  His strong hand took hers and she slowly looked up into his black eyes.  Right now it felt like it was just them, no conflicts, no ailments.  She leaned her head on his shoulder and listened to his strong pulse.  His warmth surrounded her with security and she nuzzled his neck.
The groan made her laugh and she wrapped her arms around his neck as she straddled his waist.  Pure black hungry stared back at her and she took her time tasting his jaw and neck while she filled his body with her warmth.  She pushed a little more of the pain away and pulled out as his mouth took hers captive.  Her pulse jumped at the demand and her fingers slid through his black mane of hair.  Every cell cried for him and her heart beat in her ears like war drums.
His mouth claimed her for itself and she melted against him.  Slowly it traveled down her throat to her collar bone and she sighed.  Strong hands sculpted her form, increasing the tempo in her ears and she couldn't help but brush her body against his.  She felt his fur brush her skin and then the bite brought a cry.  The pain was unexpected but she remained still as he lapped at the running stream of blood.
Each stroke of his tongue left her restless and she closed her eyes to the hunger growing rapidly.  Slowly she felt the hazy affects of the loss of blood settle in as his tongue swept over the small laceration and closed it.  Her head rested against his shoulder and he breathed her in as their pulses slowly returned to a healthy state.  He lifted her chin and examined the bite.
"Next time I'll try and be more gentle."
She smirked and burrowed into his neck.  His pulse jumped in her ear and she felt his arms settle around her.  She could easily fall back asleep but they still had a few more days before they would be home.
"Kara, if it is too much we won't do this."
She closed her eyes and sighed "I'll be fine."
"The journey home is tough enough for you when you're healthy."
She looked up at him and said "I'm fine.  A little blood loss isn't going to slow me down."
His black gaze swept over her determined face and he kissed her slowly.  She felt him finally release her and she allowed her arms to drop away.  Slowly she stood and waited for him to join her.  They walked back to the camp and he caught her hand just before Michael appeared.  The man looked just as rested as she had felt earlier.  Joseph shot the man one look and released her hand.
"Let's get going."
Michael rubbed his neck as the man shifted into his black wolf and Kara slowly joined him.  Silently he climbed onto Joseph's back again and they started off in a walk before gaining momentum in another full gait.

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1406 (112)
"I am strong because
I am weak
I am beautiful because
I know my flaws
I am a lover because
I am a fighter
I am fearless because
I have been afraid
I am wise because
I have been foolish
and I can laugh because
I've known sadness."
"Once in awhile someone amazing comes along and here I am." 
"Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though its hard."   
-All of Me : John Legend
"It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine"   -Eeyore 
"Some days look better upside down."  -Eeyore 

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Launch (80)
We did it. we launched a rocket on the weekend. Just with pressure, water and a lot of handycraft. He was smiling and i was happy. I also told him some stories about my dad, he is asking about his grandpa sometimes. Crazy how fast the time is running, he been gone now for 10 Years.

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And she'll never know your story like I do (139)
days like today i wish i could pick up a phone and call you 
or just get in the car and drive like we used to.

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Summer's almost gone (101)
We've been on vacation, just her, me and the little one. it was georgeous. Since a long time i could really come down and relax, adore the landscape and the mentality of italy and the people there. Loved it. Gonna return next year and well. Now, 3 weeks of work exhaust me again. But i honestly think that everyday's life is exhausting me. Whatever. Everythings calmer again.
I promised the little one to built a rocket, so he got bullied in kindergarden as he told the others we would built a rocket and fly to the moon. I have to figure that out, it broke my heart that he got in trouble because of the silly fantasies were sharing sometimes...

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Counter Insurgency (348)
Based on my old entries, I was apparently bound for the military and called out insurgencies and their fundamental roots in 2004.  Go me.  Cheers, past angsty teen self!  <3

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247 - Update #1.5? (500)
Good Lord, it has been a while.
Not that anybody reads these anymore, but that's besides the point.
Things have again changed dramatically since I last wrote in this. When I last wrote, I had thought things were on track, but it turns out that I was sadly mistaken.
I was living on my own with a woman whom I was engaged to, and everything seemed to be going alright. But I guess I wasn't the boyfriend she expected me to be, and kicked me right the hell out, and left me for another man. In a fairly quick order.
So, with no choice, I had to move back home, and I've been here for...a year now. 
It's funny, they say that "After a breakup, the loyal one stays single and deals with the damages until healed. The other one is already in a relationship".
Ain't that the bloody truth.
I was picking up the pieces and she was getting plastered at a bar with her new boyfriend.
It's been a year, and I'm good now. I've since gone back to school, I'm weeks away from getting my car back on the road, and I've been dating a lovely woman since January who is already making plans for her future with me.
She's amazing.
She made a joke a short time ago when we went to a screening of Captain Underpants, because   Captain Underpants ,   about getting a copy for little ones in the future. So when I asked if she was planning that far ahead already, she reassured me that she was in this for the long run.
I've never felt so honoured.
But that's besides the point.
Life doesn't suck, and we have to live each day to the fullest. I haven't always been the most shining example of that mentality, but therapy and building your life back up from nothing will do that. I also had a friend, which took my by surprise.
This friend of mine, who was famously portrayed by Christopher Reeve in the late 70's and into the 80's named Superman.
I know, I know, it seems blasphemous from a Batman fan like myself.
But Superman taught me to walk with my head held high, and to be hopeful for the future. That one man can make a difference in the world around him, and to be the light in the darkness.
So, here I am.
The world needs positivity.
Make a difference.

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Recreational Sunday (150)
something is different.

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you know i don't believe in fate (135)
so arch your back
and flip your hair
make eye contact so you know i care
you know i care
but only as a guest
such an unfaithful bride draped in a dress
spun with threads of my regret

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hm (87)
there is no certificate, degree, or anything else that can change it. the pieces have fallen into place and now i watch in repulsion. what happened? how did we get here? what did we do? this is madness. no arrangement of words can change them. how easy it must be to resort to that. their chances of getting caught are slim. my vision shouldn't wander too far, I lie-I do it every day and i've done it for the last year. i've lied about so much. i'm afraid of dissapointing them. what would happen if they knew? no sleep for months and months. i'm about ready to break this pedastal.
is this what it is to be an adult? to accept the worst and live on with all these incongruencies? this is why everyone's sick. i want out. this isn't for me. the medication i'm on numbs everything. i'm disconnected from my body; the world could end tomorrow and i could care less. i don't deserve all of this. i lie. i've lied. i keep lying. i've become what i despise in so many ways.
i'll never forget the night. august 3rd. 12 am. 2012. i had a blind faith in this person. i actually believed they valued our friendship. he was my mentor. i thought he saw something in me. from then on its been the same stupid story over and over again. i've watched each person just stand their with their desire. disgusting. each time its happened a little light goes off and the world shrinks. how easy it is for them to take. fucking leeches.
i want to know if there's more to this than what i see. every part of me wishes for something more than this. all i have left is a shell of what used to be-the parts that make up the whole are no where to be found. if i don't have my word what the fuck do i have???? what makes me less repulsive???? 

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1402 (355)
"What do you think Faraday?"  
(about their impossible, hopeless situation)
"It reminds me of a fella I once knew
He fell off a five story building
Passed each floor on the way down
People inside heard him say
"So far, so good" 
He's dead now"
-The Magnificent Seven

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1401 (140)
"I don't know if You can hear me
Or if You're even there
I don't know if You will listen
To a humble (gypsy's) prayer
They tell me I am just an outcast
I shouldn't speak to You
Still, I see Your face and wonder
Were You once an outcast too?"
" I ask for love I can possess
I ask for God and his angels to bless me"
-The Hunchback of Notre Dame : God Help the Outcasts

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[137] Just Wasn't Stable (187)
Hey Diary.
So rememeber last month when I wasfreaking out about taking my GED and worried I'd fail? Well, I didn't! I got it and I actually passed by a decent margin.
I haven't written here since then because the last 30 days have moved by in a blur. I had to do a bunch of stuff to register for school and picking out classes, my degree options, etc. etc. but it's all done and I'm finally, officially a college student ^.^
I've also been pushing hard on the weight loss front. I'm almost 70 lbs down. I had to go shopping for new clothes since none of my old ones fit me right anymore. I've gone down almost 6 pants sizes. I used to have to wear a 2X shirt now I'm in a large. I've never felt more confident about myself or my body.
Not to mention I've been baking a lot more and actually getting more people who want me to cater their parties. Things have been going rather well for me.
I'm moving next month - I hate that I've been forced to do it so often (like 10 times in the past 5 years) but this should be the last time for a while. I'm actually excited, too, because I'll be my first actual time renting a house of our own. Like no family, just us.
I have my big trip in 2 weeks to see all my online friends. I wonder how surprised they'll be to see the new me. To be honest, I'm surprised when I look in the mirror.
Until next time,

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