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After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

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1368 (12)
So Sai bailed on our date last night.  Like two hours before the show I had tickets to.  With no backup in mind. 
I told myself to get a backup and not to trust him.
But I told myself he's different, he wouldn't do that, he's not like all the other guys.
I had a hint when he did the whole "I might not make it the monday party" wishy washy thing, but I didn't put that together with the show that night... 
My sister ended up at a hotel here in town for UEA so I went to join her for pizza and told her my predicament. 
She tried to pawn me and my extra ticket on someone else.  No takers.  So she went with me.
Gee, that makes me feel so much better and wanted. 
She's never really been the one to make me feel better about... anything, really. 
She doesn't like Halloween and she doesn't understand my morbid humor. 
I guess I just wanted to share this experience with someone who would appreciate it. 
She texted a lot through it, but she didn't fall asleep this time.  Accomplishments. 
I was so excited for the show all day.  I was having a good day.  I even texted Sai that morning to confirm we were still on for that night.  He said yeah.
Then two hours before the show I was like crying because I just felt so... rejected. 
Work is always the scapegoat with the single ppl.  They don't have much else to save them. 
It was hard to get excited about the show again. 
It was a mostly bitter sweet experience before depression sets in.
A guy that said yes to me with no intention of contacting me, a guy that got my phone # and seemed fully interested in me, actually showed up to the first date, then got an idea of who I am, said yes to a few more invitations and then bailed last second on both.
I don't think I can take another rejection right now.  Maybe next year.
These boys will never see the tears their lies invoke. 
Does it even matter anymore?  Does any of this even matter?
I think I can officially declare this a bad week.  
My water heater is still leaking.  The week isn't over yet.
I just want to hide in my room and not speak to anyone for awhile.
I'm tired of the lies.
I think I'm done with people for now.  Boys mostly.  
PMS = Pissed at Men Syndrome.  
And we all know I'll never hear from him again.  Poof.  Like we never met a week ago. 
And if I contact him we all know it'll just be more lies, "we'll go next time", "I'll try", "I'll see if I can get out of work on time"  blah blah blah
Screw it. Y'all suck.

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1367 (20)
Sometimes I hate my "get r done" mode when on my period. 
Sometimes it's wonderful and the only time anything gets done. 
Ya know that list of things to do you write up...and then cross some off... but the rest just sit there for weeks and weeks. 
This is about the time my period just gets me going on those kinds of things. 
Usually its all grown up stuff I dont want to deal with. 
Being a grown up sucks. 
I've been making appointments left and right.  It's usually just making decisions and calling, texting, emailing, doing appointments online, lots of communication and decision making which I attempt to avoid by all means most of the month.  But sure, something about blood flowing and I'm ready to communicate with ppl and make decisions.  Same thing happens at the gym too, something about the blood flowing and I've got more energy and exercise much faster than normal and it doesn't get my heart rate up as fast.  My outfits and hairdos always end up a little weird for about a week a month also.  I suddenly want to wear jewelry and paint my nails and stuff too about once a month...Interesting tid bits you don't need to know... 
This is the time I end up doing things that aren't even on my list, just a passing thought, and suddenly I have to do it.   And I mean "passing thought" literally, open the fridge and one thought comes "you should clean out the fridge of the old stuff"  and sure enough soon my fridge is basically empty cuz I threw out all the questionables I dared to test before, but no longer.  Pass my painting stuff, a thought "I should finish that painting" and sure enough out comes my paints. Search my closet for daily wear and think "I should dump all the shirts I haven't worn lately and just get rid of 'em"  and sure enough, soon I have a pile of shirts to take to D.I.  That can be a wonderful thing most of the time, sometimes it gets a little carried away.  But usually its in the logical zone which is ironic for me being on the rag.  I've never really been one for logic... 
I've been thinking about getting pictures taken of me... I haven't had nice "professional" pics taken of me since I graduated college in 2008....  It's been awhile.  But then again, I've gotten much fatter since then and have no desire to do so.  But recently I thought I could get a nice headshot at least and not be so self-conscious.  It's about time to take one and share with the family.  So I made an appointment for that. And I just know by the time the appointment comes, and I'm done with my period, that I'll be thinking "Whyy, whyy did I do this to myself?"   It was the "get r done" mode.  A blessing and a curse. 
So far the only thing I haven't been able to get myself to deal with is my voting ballad. It sits there with all the names, I just have to fill in the bubbles (in only black or blue ink).  But I don't wanna decide.  I just can't do it.  I have a hard time convincing myself that my vote would actually change anything. 
This morning I found water at the bottom of my utility closet.  Sigh.  Another grown up thing to deal with. Yay for home ownership....  Getta fix it yourself...somehow...  It was coming out the bottom.  I wonder if the water tank froze a little bit last night and overflowed a bit like last time?   I still haven't turned on my heater, even just to make sure it works for when I really need it. Maybe that would help.  
It's not very often water heaters would leak from the bottom, so it has to be one of the faucets or outlets.  I think its the pressure valve again.  Just leaking from inside the cylinder thing instead of the pipe itself this time therefore coming out the bottom.  Upon inspection of the place before I bought it we found a leak and we replaced the pressure valve just to make sure it fixed the problem before I actually bought it.  Spent money on a house I hadn't owned yet.  Yay.  And now I'm about to do the same thing again.
Must go buy another pressure valve today sometime.... The hard part is getting the old one off. Turning off the water so my roommate can't shower, hehe.  I dont know if I just don't have the right tools and just ain't strong enough... but knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things.  
My roommate is oblivious to anything that goes on around her. She can't see past her own nose most of the time.  If it doesn't involve her or effect her, she doesn't care. Drive me nuts sometimes. My emotions were ranging from freaking out to anger about this problem, that it has to happen this week when I have so many plans (which is unusual for me) and she goes on and on complaining about her day like she does everyday. Oblivious to the fact the kitchen blew up around her while I'm trying to save my stuff from water damage, wet towels everywhere, tool boxes and kits everywhere. And then she goes to take a shower after a quick "so does the water heater work? Okay." I dont think she really waited for an answer. She doesn't care what the problem is as long as the water heater still 'works' so she can shower. Yeah, it works, its just leaking. It doesn't bother your life by any means, go ahead, take a shower while I'm currently trying to find the leak.        -_- 
And if my own problems aren't enough to keep me busy we ran out of toner on the copier this morning. Apparently this new machine we've had for a litte over a year gives little to no warning alerts for when toner is about to die.  So instead it just stops printing and says "prepare a new toner".  Great, just great. And of course the company can't deliver toner to us today, but they guarantee it shows up the next day.... That's helpful.  So we have to go get it and pay lots of money for it.  I'll see if I can get some cheaper elsewhere in the future and order it as a backup for next years lack of warning when the printer dies. This is the last day before the boss goes on UEA break so we need a printer today.   -_-

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1366 (9)
I don't want to vote!  Trump or Clinton
I choose none of them!
I don't want to vote even on the State basis of a representative, senator, governor, and an attorney general anymore. 
They all squabble like spoiled children to the point I don't even know what their platforms are cuz there's so much finger pointing, nobody actually says what they'll do for me and my state. 
They pick one 'major' flaw in their opponent and flag it all over the media and commercials and it repeats over and over.  It's annoying.  Just let it go!  They're so busy pointing out each others flaws that no one happens to mention what they are trying to do to better the world/state here!
Trump is suddenly mad at SNL's portrayal of him and thinks they are rigging the election. (SNL has been protraying Trump for a very long time on the show btw) I think SNL is surprisingly quite accurate on the spoofs they do of the debates with him and Clinton.  Usually you have to kinda make up silly and outrageous things to do and say in order to do a spoof, but in this case the actors just have to repeat what the candidates are really doing and saying.  It's kind of a cheat for the actors, if you ask me. 
I think it's a bit sad when you get angry at...well, yourself. There's something wrong when you are mad at basically, watching your own actions, words, and behaviors on TV.  Well, a little bit of foresight I'm thinking SNL is gonna get shut down if Trump becomes President, add that along with the wall to be built at the Mexican border to the list of ridiculousness.... 
Last week was a huge fuss over Trump caught on video saying disrespectful and vuglar things about women back in 2005 with Billy Bush. A whole bunch of people backed out on Trump b/c of it.  This was back in 2005 ppl.  Not much has changed about the man.  I see nothing new in this news.  Sadly, nothing surprises me about this news cept for Trump defending himself by calling it "Locker room talk".  Yes, I said "defending" himself, it was more of a confession.  What gym does he go to? 
The sad part to me is the reason they don't back Trump anymore is because he said "lewd, disrespectful and vuglar things", as if this is new? I don't know if you've noticed, but he hasn't exactly said anything respectful/nice his entire campaign and now suddenly it's a surprise that he speaks that way?  Maybe, just maybe that's the kinda guy he really is?  Just noticing this now?  I mean I'm glad they got the memo that this guy is prolly more trouble than he's worth before actual voting day, but geez... 
In other news, I got tickets to see Thriller AND I got a date for it too with Sai... 

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Untitled (18)
Something great has happened and it seems like there is more to come and more on this later. Other news: I have a friend coming in at the end of the month and I have to run a tight shipment so that I have some face to show him. He is one of the only friends I admire. He works at a Tech Company in the valley and married this great person. And for the longest time they were my only patrons. Pushing me to write. 

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1365 (44)
So... I kinda sorta got asked out last night.... 
The fact this potential dating stuff turns into journal entries says how rare these moments are... 
He's 24. He's got a college degree in accounting I think?  Went to school in Chicago, worked in New York and ended up here. He's not exactly skinny, and that's the way I like 'em. He's from India, accent and all.  And the fact he's not from around here is prolly the only reason he asks ppl out, specifically me. 
It was so refreshing talking to someone that isn't from here and doesn't have the pre-set prejudices or perspectives that others have around here.  It was so nice to talk to someone who could actually hold a conversation without awkward pauses and could manage eye contact.  It was so nice to talk/flirt with someone without there being a fear or threat of a relationship or marriage.  I bet he doesn't have an issue with money either! Aka taking dates out to fast food places or not spending much money for a date period. He actually has suggestions on what to do for a date instead of asking me!  Hallelujah!  Oh this is so sad to be so excited a boy who can handle the basics of dating... 
It was so...casual... so normal... This is how normal people date/flirt in the real world.  But not here.  Sitting next to someone, asking someones name, sharing a book with someone, inviting someone to do something here is just a huge committment with underlying intentions. 
But not with this guy.   This time I'm gonna be the one going "whoa whoa, hold up, slow it down".
Sigh.  It was magical.  He was so charismatic. Everything flowed so easily with him. He has such a different view of the world.  He's like Kevin Bacon entering this small town!
Oh, the differences between the guy I asked out a few days ago and this guy that asked me out.  Slightly funny. I'm sure one of the reasons that Trevor didn't want to go out with me was because of the age difference. This Indian kid is the same age as him. 
He actually got my number. Unlike Trevor who 'said' he'd contact me.  And this kid already texted me last night and asked to go do something.  Unlike Trevor...  I would say these are ethical basics for dating, but sadly, around here it's not exactly common sense...  Like the simple concept of 'don't blow ppl off' or reschedule if you have to cancel, or at least try to give an opening in the -near- future to show you are really trying... 
It would be so cool to be friends with this guy tho.  I say this because with my luck he'll just turn this into one of those "I love you until the day I die" moments like usual on day one.  I can never just be friends with a male without them falling in love with me and declaring said love on date night one or two.  I want to be friends and then maybe fall in love. I just wish, since he's from the real world, out there, that he might understand that.  Or, again with my luck, this might just turn into a weird stalking issue or an overly anxious guy who wont stop texting, drooling or calling. 
But the real accomplishments here are: 
A) I was brave enough to ask a boy out
B) A different boy was brave enough to ask me out
No mind the details of how each of those actually turn out.... 

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1363 (22)
So... I kinda sorta ... asked Trevor out last night.
I told myself, after Sunday when I didn't stop and talk to him like usual, that I would talk to him Monday night if I saw him. 
I told myself when I got home from work that I felt talkative/social enough that I might even ask him out.
I laughed at myself right at that moment, "Yeah, right...like I was gonna do that."
And then I went to dinner Monday night, chili night, and there he was in a leather jacket that looked very nice on him I must say... I finally got brave enough to go stand in the same corner he was in, like usual, and talked to him for like a half hour. 
He mostly talked about how he is buying a house and moving away, his closing date is like a month away. Does it seem desperate that I don't want him to move away? 
The convo ended up with me saying we should do something before he moves.  He saying "Huh?" cuz he didn't hear me and then me repeating the question.... Him tripping over the table cart and stumbing with words for a minute... me sheepishly saying "if you want to, that is..."  
Basically he ran away...he high tailed it... verbally anyway.  Its more rude and the cowardess is more obvious if you physically run away from someone asking you out on a date... 
He said Yeah sure, I'm going to be crazy busy the next three weeks (very specific about his three week) but yeah I'll get ahold of you."   I know buying a house is time consuming and I'm sure his job is an excuse also, and I think he wants to go hunting somewhere in there too.. So maybe its a legit three weeks of solid busy-ness.  
But I think I know a blow off when I see one. 
Saying he'd "get a hold of me" is man-code for he's not going to, right?  He doesn't have my phone number. How is he going to contact me?  He never asked for it.  And normally I would get all bold and call him out on this fact of the lack of phone number, but I can take a hint.  He already started the blow off.  I wasn't going to push it by forcing a phone number on him....
I feel like I got too shy by that point to press the phone number issue, but now that I think about it, I think I felt more embarrassed then anything b/c of the blow off that already seemed to occur. 
I dont think boys understand its okay to say no.  Its a more manly way to go out then to say yeah and then never call or cancel an hour before said date and not reschedule. 
Honestly, I'm more shocked that I actually asked him, moreso then him turning tail and running.  That part isn't so surprising.  
There's a lot going against me here.  The more common problem of boys thinking of girls who sit by them or touch them or ask them out is the equivalent of a marriage proposal.  That's never in my favor. I'm sure the age difference scared him also.  And then the common issue that a girl asking a guy out is somehow demeaning to a man's ego.  It's a no-win situation for the girls.  Asking out or not asking out, somehow its still their fault the boys dont know the girls are interested in them.  All my experience on all this in the past has led to the man running.... Exhibit number (what number are we on again?)  
Then there's the physical differences between us which I'm sure are #1 reason in his eyes to run.  They don't usually even give you a chance after the physical judgments. 
Even after talking to him and seeing the lack of interests we share...and finding out he's moving soon...for some reason I still asked him out.  I can't believe I did that.  I'm not entirely sure why either.  We don't seem to have much in common and he's leaving soon.  But he's still cute. 
So, I'm pretty sure he'll never talk to me again.  He wasn't very good at eye contact before, I'm sure I won't get it ever again.  But at least this way he's only got a month to avoid me....
Well, I asserted myself. I put myself out there.  I let him know I was interested.  What did I have to lose, really? I think he knew it was coming cuz too I have been oogling him for a while now.  I felt like I was kinda getting the same signal from him.  But prolly not.  
"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd 
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to" 
I told my mom and sister.  They all said I was brave and they are proud of me.  Is it still considered brave if you wish you could take it back?  haha  I can't believe I did that. 
"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable 
And life's like an hour glass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
Cradle your head in your hands" 
My sisters words didn't really help me.  Is it sad that I keep going to my mom and sister for help or advice when I know their words or lack thereof never help me?  But yet I keep going back?  I mean it was going fine until my sister something to the effect of "If it were me I wouldn't be able to sleep after putting myself out there like that AND getting rejected all in one night"   I'm like, gee, thanks, when you put it that way.... She just has a way with words... that can make you feel worser about yerself....
I feel like initially I'm not so hurt about the rejection part, like I said I didn't seem to conciously have any expectations on him actually saying yeah, I was more surprised that I asked in the first place.  But when everyone kept pointing out the vague rejection I got, cuz he wasn't even man enough to just say no, then my mind started going... and focused more on the rejection.... and then of course, I couldn't sleep!
Needless to say, I happily justified drugging myself and went into a slumber... 
I'm pritti sure it was a blow off.  I mean I would definitely be shocked if he actually called/texted me to followup on this "doing something" idea.  Heck, I'd be shocked if he talked to me again.  He's never initiated any convo between us, I'm sure that won't change.  So the only way he'd talk to me is if I approached him again.  Think I'm brave enough to do that?  Me either.
Another sad part about all this is... he's the only real interest I've ever had in like the three years I've been here.  At least enough of an interest to actually ask him out.  I mean, if I have enuff interest I'll ask, but there hasn't been any interest in years for anyone... 
Last year I asked a kid out, not a real interest, but an attempt.  Maybe it was two years ago.  I think last year was the kid that showed up in his moms car and his recently acquired drivers license who called me a sugar momma before we even left my parking lot simply because I had my OWN place and my OWN car and a career.
Anyways... back to that other kid. I had tickets to a show and asked if he'd go with me.  He did the "yeah sure" thing.  We exchanged numbers.  An hour before the date/show he texted and said he couldn't make it.  I learned then not to plan more permanent  things like a scheduled show for dates cuz they always end up being flaky.  And he didn't reschedule the date.  And that was the end of that. He basically stood me up is what it was.  I have forgotten how much that hurt.  I have forgotten that these boys are cowards that can't just say no to a woman.  They have to string them along and then drop them. 
And here I am in the same boat. Again. I suppose I could make this a yearly thing.  Just to say I tried, just to remember how much it hurt, to feel alive/human again, to not even get a chance or to be reminded how cowardly everyone is.  I need a reminder at least once a year why I don't do this whole dating thing, right?...
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive" 
I think a major part of his saying no is his anxiety in public.  He doesn't want a date with a huge activity or eating in public or whatnot.  And I know that.  So I wasn't going to ask him to do anything major. I was just going to ask him out for a drink and talk.  That's it.  But he doesn't know that I know and can accommodate for his fears, so he's just going to run before I even tell him. I'm only asking like 30-45 minutes of his time, a drink and a talk.  No crowds, no food, no activity that may or may not embarrass us, etc.  Technically prolly isn't even called a date at this point.  But he doesn't know that.  And he won't stick around long enough to find that out. 
I shoulda said more specifics to give him a heads up. To not freak him out. That it could be something he could handle. I shoulda said more to convince him that it wouldn't be a huge deal. But a part of me thinks its not really my job to convince someone to spend some time with me.  I shouldn't have to convince someone, I shouldn't have to make a case for myself after they've already made up their mind.  But at the same time I feel I should have fought for myself, made him give me a chance, sold it, ya know?  Somehow? Without making me look pitiful.  If only I had more time.  If only I had more confidence.  If only I had more bravery.
"Cause my mind won't stop, its just 11 blocks
I know that you're home
Cause its a Friday night; you're not that type
I know that you are home" 
Sigh. I feel I already know his type.  And I know I can handle that.  But he doesn't. 
My mind won't stop. 
There's always that small part of me that thinks, that hopes, he won't be one of those cowards that runs. That he'll actually contact me.  That he'll actually do what he said he'd do.  That he might actually have an inkling of an interest in me.  I really thought he wasn't a coward kind of guy.  I really did.  I really thought he'd be different.
Is that sad?  Is he just stringing me along?  Shall I have no expectations and therefore not get hurt?  Do I let it all out there?  My hope, my optimism, my faith in him? And either go down hard or possibly be lifted up? Do I take that risk?   Does it even matter at this point anymore?
I only take this risk about once a year, I'm sure I'll live.  My sister is a naturally negative soul and took his response as a blow off and she's done with him.  But mother seems to have some hope for him.  She's the one that started that thinking... 
I have to stop thinking about him.  Good or bad.  I have to move on.
I suppose I'll give a shout out to my brotha. 
Happy Birthday bro.
He's 34 today.  Not too shabby if he didn't look and feel a lot older than he is. 
The balding head is gonna come, bro, whether you want it to or not. 
The attempt at maintaining your thinning hair as long as your wife just ain't gonna work much longer. 
You just gotta let that go. 
You also gotta let go of that pride about not being able to pay a doctor and just go see what the doc can do to alleviate your pain.  You can't just ignore health problems and hope they go away.  Surely your teeth have been that lessen for ya.  The smoking ain't helping you either. 
You just gotta let that pride go. 
Follow the advice of your three year old daughters - ever since they were born and all the Frozen toys and parties and how many times they've watched the movie, and just "Let it go!!" 
I say all this cuz I want you to take care of yourself so you can be around for your wife and kids.
Your sons still need a role model, a father, someone to teach them things that your wife can't/won't.
Your daughters need a father to walk them down the aisle, show them how boys should treat them, teach them boy things that your wife can't/won't. 
I love you even though yer a little slow on the importance of family fact, but you are slowly catching on now, and actually being alive and without pain for most of yer years is part of loving and sacrificing for family. 
Put down the pride and take care of yourself for them. If there as to be a martyr, then be the martyr by taking care of yourself so you live, not by dying.  Quite frankly, your wife isn't fairing much better either and we need someone to be there for the kids!

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[128] Make It Right (23)
So today was interesting.
I ended up (after much debating) going to a party thrown by my aunt (on my dad's side). It was a birthday party/costume party for my 15 year old cousin.
I enjoyed the ride there because I got to spend a lot of time with my sister (who was my "date") and we caught up a lot and just talked about life.
It was interesting because I hadn't seen that side of the family in a few years, well, some of them I haven't seen since 2014 and others since 2008.
When I was younger I held things against them I probably shouldn't have. I distanced myself from that side of the family because I blamed them for the shit my father put me through. How he was never there for me growing up and how I feel like he took advantage of my mother. I mean she was 14/15 when they got together and she had me not too long after...and he was in his 20s. Yeah.
But of course my father was there and he was drunk (of course) and like he did his usual bullshit of hugging me and telling me how much he loved me and showing me off to his family members/friends that I haven't met before. It's really uncomfortable. I feel so awkward when he hugs me/shows me affection because I'm not used to it. And I don't know how to process it without going numb.
Towards the end of the night he pulled me close and told me how sorry he was for everything he did - I guess him and my mom splitting, him not being there for me, etc. etc. and whatever else he could think of.
I didn't know how to react and I still don't.
I want to believe he meant the words he said. I want to believe that he knows how much he fucked up and that he knows he did wrong by me and really does want to rectify all of the pain/hurt he caused. but I know better.
Why? Because he's said this shit before.
He told me the same thing when I was 12/13 and he showed up randomly and said he'd take me to a baseball game/to the movies. He never showed.
He told me the same shit when I was 16 and I visited him when he was drunk with his friend.
He told the same thing to my aunt when I was 21 and she had her new baby. How he was sad we weren't close and how he missed all the years in my life.
And now he's told me it when I'm 24.
I don't need him anymore. I don't think I ever did because I had an amazing dad substitute. But like...I don't know why he keeps doing this to me. I wish he would just let me go. Pretend I don't exist. Stop with the empty promises. Stop with the comforting words that we both know he has no intention of following up on. It's not fair to me. It really isn't.
"Hey Dad,
I'm writing to you. 
Not to tell you that I still hate you,
just to ask you how you feel.
And how we fell apart.
How this fell apart.
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your son?
When you lay your head down
how do you sleep at night?
Do you ever wonder if I'm alright.
I'm alright." 

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[127] Forget Where You Been (15)
Hey diary.
So recently as a birthday present to a friend of mine I read a bunch of my early entries to him. See, he didn't know me back when I was 12/13/14/15 so he was excited to see the kind of person I was.
Yeah, it lead to me cringing a lot but I got through it.
It's interesting to read back and remember all the things I did and the person I was. I mean, I'm still the same person but I see things differently and have evolved beyond my old line of reasoning. I don't regret the things I did or the person I was because it helped shape my present and it also helped me to become a stronger person than I would have been otherwise.
I wish I could go back in time and tell 12/13/14/15 year old me to not take things so seriously. That it seems bad now but in 10 years everything will be just fine. You'll be out of your grandmother's house. You'll be in a relationship (the one thing you've always wanted!) you'll have a purpose in life. You'll have dozens of friends - so many that you won't be able to keep up with them. You'll be wanted. You'll be loved. You don't have to be miserable now because everything you're feeling is just temporary and one day it'll all be so much better.
Just be patient.
I think so many people forget where they've come from and where they've been. And they end up forgetting why they got to where they are. If you forget your roots you lose your entire reason for being.
I was pretty miserable when I was younger. I did a lot of cringy things (like "fall in love" too fast, try and force people to like me, care way too much about what people thought, dealt with more bullshit than I should have, etc) but as I said, I don't regret any of it because your experiences and memories shape you. If you're smart, they'll shape you for the better. If you're dumb, well, you'll never grow.
I'm glad I've grown into a mostly okay person. I say mostly okay because I still make mistakes. I still have anger issues. I still take too much bullshit sometimes. And I still care about what people think of me. But I'm learning more and more every day and maybe one day it won't be the same.
I hope 12/13/14/15 year old Mike...like if he could see me now, I hope he'd be proud of the man he turned into. Because I am proud of who I am. 

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The Day Jackie Died (34)
It's been a few years but I plan to start writting again. I think I had some pretty good blogs in here... you guys seem to enjoy it since most or my posts have between 100-600 hits on them. Anyways.  I woke up this morning to find Jackie dead. He was at the end of the bed on the floor, in the corner. And his body was still letting out strange breaths and noises but he was gone. I still wrapped him in a blanket and lifted him as if he were a china doll and placed him on the bed. Poor Jackie cat. And there I sat with this poor lifeless body, wrapped up, in my lap. I had loved this cat I swear more than any other human or animal. Not to say I have never loved nor cared about an animal or human but this little guy was my everything. 
You see Jackie had been an ally cat. Straight up raw and rugged ally cat. I had descovered him while I was a child living in a condow complex with my mother. It was winter and he was sitting a few houses down under some bushes cold as anything. He at one point got a small nip of frost bite on one ear. When ever i'd get home from school, before my mother would get home from work... i'd let him in to warm up. I'd even give him a bit of food. A year passed and we were about to move to the country. Throught out the time that I had lived there, I has asked many neighbours who he belonged to and would every so often try the number on his collar which was always not in service. 4 of them had told me that Jackie had been there for about 4 years and didn't belong to anyone. He was a stray they all took turns feeding. 
On the day my mother and I were moving, it was the last load of stuff and I asked her if I could take this stary cat with me. At first she said no, like most parents do. I asked and asked and finally she gave in. Ticked off she told me "fine. find that stupid cat but you have 15 mins and we are leaving." I ran everywhere calling this cat and looking in every place he liked to go. Finally, after 20 mins, I found him and scooped him up. He was not impressed and had no idea what was happening. I jumped in the car with him and we drove off.
That cat and I were together ever since. 
He was one of the greatest mousers i'd ever seen. He at one oint brought me home a baby rabbit, small weasel (trust me those things can mess up or kill cats), numbers of birds and mice... the list goes on. We trusted each other too. So much trust, I have never really and don't think still trust anyone or thing as much as I did that cat. I knew all his meows. We'd even argue with each other. He had such personality... And I knew he loved me. Don't get me wrong, he could have left at any point and went back to being an ally cat. But we had an agreement and as long as we let each other be free and come and go then we'd always come back to each other. I'd always try to go out in the rain or hail and search for him. I hardly gave up untill I found him.
I loved the way he smelled. Every animal did. Dogs would always try to come up and just sniff him. He was so other worldly at times too. and LOVED the out doors where he could be free. 
Even once a dog tried to eat him and when I grabbed the dog he saw I had her tight and yelled at him to run, and he did. He ran and trusted me that he'd be safe. For at that time he had to run right under the dogs legs. But over my dead body would I have let that dog get him. Sorry dog, but talk about animal instinct. I would have wrecked her. Luckly nothing happend. And the dog was fine. And honeslty a good dog. She just hated small animals and had gotten out. 
I feel sick from crying so much. But I know i'll get over it one day, or at least one day the pain will be dulled. My instinct, like most animals, tells me to slink off alone to be sad and alone. However because I am human, this isn't a good idea. You see when humans get sad, all maners of thoughts creep into their heads and nest. You never know what will come of it. When the darkness creeps in it can get very dangerous. And esspecially because we like to feel to know we're alive, that means pain doesn't hurt so much. So you see alot of things can happen. That's why I feel it's safe and good to be around people off and on. And let them feel like they can and are helping. 
I think that is all for today. Not my best entry but give me time. I'm just sad my best friend died. You know something though, it wasn't that bad finding him dead. I knew I could handle it and get his body where it needed to go, and I would like to think that he trusted me enough to die at the end of the bed instead of asking to go out and never seeing him again. 
-Ashley Bunneh

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1362 (107)
"And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay"
The boss's dad passed away this morning.
Happy Birthday my Sara girl.  Turning 8 today.  Yer so tall already...

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Untitled (79)
i hate not writting in here. I try to come back at least once every couple months at least. but theres so much going on and so little since its all the same thing over and over and over. just cut and paste.
things have been crazy. I just want to get my shit together once and for all. I want a place to live where i feel stable and secure at all times. I want a job. I want to feel READY to move again.
And its not just easy as... "Jeni, you need to start putting yourself first" and making decisions that put me first.. because Im only here for Max. If we werent together I would be in california or europe. So I try to make plans for us.. and then something bad happens and it gets put on hold. and then i get scared to make more plans for us.
I got arrested at the end of september. I had an autistic episode. there's more to it but thats basically it. it was summer so

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1361 (114)
My first niece Maylee turned 4 years old. 
I can't believe my baby girl is 4 years old.  She looks like she's 6 or 7.  She's a tall girl.
But she still acts like my little 4 year old.
She likes pink and painting, two things I'd hope to integrate into her life... Success.
I suggested a painting party for her bday. 
It was the perfect idea.  Because I know her so well. 
But not ideal with that many of her cousins attending.
I still remember that time she pointed at the little pink things on the cupcake and we both said with excited voices "Sprinkles!"  
We think alike.  Finally a girl I can think alike with, someone who understands me. 
None of my friends or family understands the joy in the silly things like pink stuff or sprinkles and sparkles.
Lately, I feel like I score a zero in all my efforts....
" Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow"   
-Thomas S. Monson
"I messed up tonight
I lost another fight
I still mess up but I'll just start again
I keep falling down
I keep on hitting the ground
I always get up now to see what's next
Birds don't just fly
They fall down and get up
Nobody learns without getting it wrong
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
Though I’m on the lead
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
No I won't leave
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

Look how far you've come
You filled your heart with love
Baby you've done enough, take a deep breath
Don't beat yourself up
Don't need to run so fast
Sometimes we come last but we did our best
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
Though I’m on the lead
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
No I won't leave
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I'll keep on making those new mistakes
I'll keep on making them every day
Those new mistakes"
Try Everything - Shakira
"We teach the ideal but also how to deal with the real" 

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[126] Close Your Eyes (31)
I can't believe it's almost going to be a year since I started writing here again.
I look back on 2015 and it seemed so long. I went through so much stuff, did so many things, and grew so much as a person and it seemed to go on forever. And in comparison, 2016 seems so short. I don't know if time's just going faster or this year has just been uneventful - aside from the whole losing my house thing >.>
I'm starting a new venture. I'm still not in writing mode but I've been baking a lot and I've learned to make what I've been told are super delicious cupcakes and I'm hoping to start catering weddings, parties, etc. I just really want to spread smiles and baking sweets for people is the best way for me to do that I think.
I'm dealing with family bullshit drama again. My grandmother had me working for her and she ended up not paying me for 60% of the work I did and yet she has the balls to get mad at me for not wanting to help her anymore. I'm just so over her.
And I'm over my cousin and her drama. I honestly hope they take away her baby because I can't stand to see my God Daughter abused/be in an abusive situation. It makes me sound heartless, I know, but honestly the baby would be better off with a new family than with her mother and father. My poor aunt doesn't need the stress of another kid in her life when she has a recent newborn. Ugh.
I think one of the scariest feelings is not knowing what your place in the world is. Not only that but feeling like there's a time limit and if you don't find out by the end of the countdown you'll just be a shattered mess whom everyone hates. It's a silly fear but it...is very real.
I hope I'm going in the right direction in my life. And I hope I'm making all the right choices. 

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Backwards (50)
These last days of summer really get me into an even more nostalgic mood then i was used to. I was fishing trouts in the creek with my little son last week, just with bare hands and a net. Im so grateful that i can offer him a life with these things, walks in the woods, building huts, playing in the creek and making fire to bbq. I remember when my dad used to do this with me and i thought this is what every child does in the free time besides kindergarden. Later when i was older, i conquered the mud with my best friends and our new BMX Bikes. We payed with toy soldiers, dug holes to have a secret stash. Made fire and we came home alive after these summer days. I never felt home in a city or sorrounded by many people, this didnt change in a lifetime and i was afraid my son would be as introverted as i am. But he is my sunshine, i like to be his pal sometimes, there is so much time i have to tell him whats right and whats wrong. Sometimes we can just be friends, something my dad never could with me. I really hope my son will remember these days of canoing on the lake and making smoky fire. I hope this will be his treasure in heart later, when he needs to find his way in this world.
It is not important nowadays to be able and start a fire. But only because there are so many people who cant do it, but have a voice loud enough to just pretend being right.

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1359 (160)
I can't adult today!
I find ....I have these days more than not.... 
I had a few of these days last week also....

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the need of a diary (34)
I actually didnt have the need of a diary in the last few years but yesterday and today im quite happy that sit is still on and i can write something, which is not displayed on facebook or better the whole public. When i recall the days of sitdiary being a busy place i always enjoyed the communication between the users in the comments and the depth of this platform here. It seems now, that nobody has time for anybody elses thoughts and feelings. Im doing my 8to5 job 5 days a week, noticing the news about immigrants flooding europe. I notice that there is some turd trying to become president of the us and all im trying to change is the position of my arse every day so i can get safe and sound into the weekend.
I love my family, maybe my wife not as much as i love my kids. But anyway, im not alone. Tried to hook up with my neighbors wife but we deceided it is too complicated to have an affair while trying keeping out the spouses and kids out of the truth.
Crazy, how life gets so stereotypical and crazy how demented we can become after a while of living the mainstream.
Thinking also about lung cancer since a while, im smoking since 1990 now and after some losses in the family i realised, im not immortal.
So many things which cannot simply be shared on fb are still in my head. Sometimes i talk to a friend about all this. Stopping me from getting crazy. In the meanwhile, people are just prefabricating Pictures with funny or serious opinions and share them. Not even bother to write their own thoughts, just save, conserve and put it on again. Sharing the same shit to feel connected to others. That all doesnt matter, even if i write it down here, i know that. Nothing matters in the virtuality. Believe me, im working as an IT Admin and im feeling, like im doing nothing worth preserving, because it is not carpentry or art or not even a meal. its just digital. Time to talk a walk in the woods again.
-be well

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been a while (49)
its been a while since i've visited my diary and i was amazed, that its still up and running - thanks scott for this.
In the last years a lost my dad, got married two times, have two wonderful sons and a wife now and a house on the countryside. Nothing runs faster than time does. Im glad that in these days of electronic madness, something still has stopped - and that is my anger.
be well

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[125] Sing You A Lullaby (54)
Things are looking up, I believe.
For one, the kid my brother stabbed is doing fine so that's good. There's still a court date so that'll be something to see if he gets off and I hope they take it easy on him. He's saying it was in self-defense so we'll see.
I move into my new apartment tomorrow. God, it's beautiful. I'm really excited. And once I'm there I can begin working towards my new passion of opening a bakery. I'll be baking my heart out and showing the world what I can do. I just hope people are receptive.
I'm still depressed because money is an issue. I'm not pulling in money like I used to because I haven't written a novel in over a year at this point, my short stories have been declining, and I don't have the law office job that I used to. I'm starting something temporary which could make me about 100 dollars a night so that'll be nice.
I'm feeling disillusioned from some of my friends. I don't know if it's the situation I've been in or just...general fatigue but it's harder and harder for me to not be mad at them. Like I can normally brush it off but it's getting difficult to not go off - and I need to remember not to do that.
 Time seems to move so quickly. I hate it. I wish it would slow down so I can catch up with everything but I know that's not what it does. I just need to be able to breathe.
I can't believe it's almost been a year since I started writing in this diary full time. I've managed 125 entries and it's not been a year yet. That's 1/3 - which is way better than my old track record. So I'm proud of myself. I wanted to do somewhat constant updates and record my thoughts and I've managed for the most part. Maybe next year I could manage to do 2-3 a week and aim for 200. We'll see.
A character from one of the new shows I discovered has a favorite saying and I think it's time to embrace that. Essentially; if you look hard enough at any situation you can see good and you can see bad. Some people choose to only see the bad. But you can also choose to see the good.
I'm going to choose to start seeing the good more than the bad.
In less than 24 hours I will have made about 100 dollars, I'll be in my own house, and I'll be one step closer to my destiny.
Not too shabby at all.

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1358 (163)
"Now more than ever do I realize that I shall never be content with a sedentary life, and that I shall always be haunted by thoughts of a sun-drenched elsewhere."   - Isabelle Eberhardt
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."  - Anais Nin
"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them."   - Mark Twain

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[124] Just An Outcast (63)
I don't know if You can hear me
Or if You're even there
I don't know if You will listen
To a humble prayer
They tell me I am just an outcast
I shouldn't speak to You
Still, I see your face and wonder
Were You once an outcast, too?
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I know my last entry left things on a cliffhanger.
Things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others.
 I went to a con with friends. It's the one I go to every summer and it definitely helped me raise my morale and perspective on things as only friends can do. It was also the first drama free one in a long time...which was good. Sure there were small incidents but they were just that - small.
My cousin isn't moving in. Her mother put an end to that crap.
Oh, we got back and we found a place to move into that's reasonable and not bad! So yeah, we're leaving at the end of this month which makes me very happy.
Today I got some scary news. My brother stabbed someone. Yup, you read that correctly. He stabbed someone and my mother was at the police station with him.
I'm nervous. I hope he didn't do it. There's a chance he didn't and is just covering for someone. He's that type of person he'd rather go down than betray a friend...he's very troubled and has been going through things the last year or so. I don't know if he knows how bad our mother's heart is or how much strain he's putting on her.
I'm worried for his future and I'm worried for hers.
One of the good things of my mother having me so young is that she's supposed to be in my life a long time. I don't want that to be cut short because of stress. But on the other hand she could have been more on top of things with him. Damn it.
I think no matter what the outcome today, lives will be ruined. As it stands the boy/victim is in the hospital and they don't know how he's doing / if he'll survive.
If you pray, please pray for my family.

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psychothrilla (65)
i always find it comforting to find my words here.
right where i left them so long ago.
before all that was.
and now all that is.
the things you choose eventually choose you.
we/re once again faced with an issue we/ve been faced with far too much in this life.
in such little time.
if only we knew how to behave better.
act better.
grow up and be less selfish.
his gambling and meth.
my drinking and rage.
we carried it to the limit.
those are the things we apprently find more important.
than family time.
family life.
while all of my friends old and new go on to better pastures.
we/re left in the muck.
always in the muck.
because feeding the demon.
is more important than feeding the light.
i refuse to be here again.
and i dont care what it takes to get it good and gone.
facing life on the street is no way to live.
or to love.
or to show as an example.
we came here.
i came back here.
to be different.
to be the old better me.
the one with joy in my black cold heart.
not to watch it all fall apart.
and again.
if only i could find the nerve to be that me.
the one who doesnt make excuses.
or play pretend.
im farfarfar too old for this game.
please give us one more 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th undeserved chance.
this time i will not fail.

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1355 (102)
I think I may have found a new favorite band?
Still stuck on emo music like 13+ years later...
I blame Mason. in 8th grade. in the back of the bus on the way home. he stuck an earbud in my ear. the other bud in his ear.
and he introduced me to emo music
talk about easily influenced 
Choose your friends wisely
I want another tub of cookie dough to eat... 
"But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best
You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

'Cause I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

Mayday Parade - Miserable at Best

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1354 (85)
After many weeks of my sister waffling on going to Taipei or not....
I finally got a face to face with her and said she was going...
I gathered the information from her and learned how easy it was to plan this trip.  Only three things needed some research really, plane tix, hotel (not really she already had that picked out), and then public transportation.  After my last international trip, this was easy peasy planning.  I got this.
I bought plane tix like two days later. Good thing too cuz as it gets closer the prices get higher.  I was done with her waffling.  Although it did not really fix the problem. She is still waffling even though she knows she is going. But at least this way I know I get to go!   She says she'll "do it for me".  Most of the traveling I have done the past 5-6 years has been because of her, but that was all stateside, visiting her.  
I won't make her go international ever again after this, but I think this was important/special enough for her to make the effort. By make her go I mean I won't tell Mom on her again... Mom is really the bully that makes her daughters go out of their comfort zone. 
I got my handy-dandy passport out again.  Didn't think I'd ever use this again after Europe!  It gets me all giggly excited.  That stupid song stuck in my head again, "I'm going on a trip!  In my favorite rocket ship!  Zooming through the sky!  Little Einsteins!" 
International twice this year.  Wheeeee.  I'm going to be so broke.
I can see it now.  My sister trying to smother me with a pillow or wrapping her hands around my neck and someone getting a picture of it when I push my sister too far past her breaking point.  I'll send the picture home via email with a caption, "Go with your sister all the way to Taiwan, mother said.  You'll have fun, she said. Memories of a life time, she said." 
Aunti Flow is on her way now.  Hopefully before I get on a plane.... A period and cramps at that high altitutde is...not pleasant. I started my period on the way back from London. Joy.  And then coming back down to the ground....  I get sick just on normal conditions on planes, I don't need my period to help with the nausea.  I'm pretty sure the period will be done by the time I get on a plane tho.  The hormone high that close to leaving will either wipe me out or get me super pumped.  We shall see. 
With the period next week, that means this week with the PMS I get the weird cravings.
I bought a little tub of cookie dough.  Cookie dough that won't kill you!  (with no eggs)  Brilliant.
So I kept waking up in the middle of the night and thinking "yummy cookie dough" and if it wasn't that I was thinking about kissing a boy, remembering how to kiss in general...
I can't stop thinking about cookie dough and kissing!
Apparently my decision making skills are compromised also.  I finally put down the cookie dough, but then got Mexican food, which gives me heartburn super bad. So I had mexican food for lunch with no medication with it and so I'll prolly be up most of the night in pain.  I willingly choose pain for mexican food, for a craving. Hey, at least I did it on the weekend when I could sleep in. I should prolly go see a doc about this consistent heartburn/reflux. 
"Coin operated boy 
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy 
but i turn him on and he comes to life 
Automatic joy
That is why I want a coin operated boy
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend....
c oin operated boy
he may  no t be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a 
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy"
-The Dresden Dolls

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Squishy ice cubes (424)
When I'm depressed Im pulled to the ground. Literally. All i want to do is lay on the floor. Sleeping on a bed seems impossible. When i think about it I get this weird feeling like.. God i can't describe it.. but it's almost like it feels "too hopeful" and i know everything is hopeless. I'm fine though. I mean considering everything I'm doing grest I'd say. Maybe. I'm here. I'm not currently moving forward but I'm looking in a forward like direction. I'm definitely thinking forward thoughts.
It's just thst i get so sucked into myself and my thoughts and my situations and it becomes the focus of every dsy instead of changing the situation. I have been trying tho. Working on projects. Attempting things at least.
Divorce is so dibilitating. Not just in the ways you'd think but it has the power to make you so hopeless about such mundane things. And serious things. And new relationships. Amd the whole concept of "forever" actually meaning anything. And how lessons are always learned after the fact. 
Ivery been eating my feelings. Usually I am the opposite and have no appetite but recently I'm really hungry all the time. Mini blueberry muffins and chocolate.. the answer to every problem. Ok not really. I'm going to just finish the bin and never eat them again. Running helps.. I should get back into that. 
Going to buy a ticket to go to max. If thst doesn't work out I will get my car and road trip it to california.. sell it... and then go to europe indefinitely. Freaking election is a joke aanyways. But i do love my car.... idk.
I wrote tim a long message on whatsapp. We've been friends but after the last 2 weeks.. it's too much. I didn't know what else to do.
I m need to pack. I need to sleep

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gums (41)
i don't want to call it anything, i willed it and it happened. i did it. that's all. i don't think i feel anything right now, i'm not sure yet. i'm a narcissist. i am. i'm surprised, i am genuinley surprised. it's not rage, it's not frustration, and it's certainly not depression. i cannot define it. i do what i do and that's all that is. right now that is all that is. i feel a need to share it. there is no where i can without really upsetting something-the peace. this false peace. bull shit. that is no peace. all i can do is work one bit of the situation, one issue at a time. one angle today. one side of the leaf on the tree. i guess that's probably why i never drew leaves on my trees ahahaha. every part of the tree had to be just as special and balanced as the rest of the tree-i would have been too overwhelmed. i'll share this journal with them one day. 

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Hours (71)
I'll never understand depression or at least the way my body always tries to handle it. Its like my true self is so joyful and just plain happy but I'm prone to depression so its like a constant tug of war.  back and forth. sometimes i feel like I'm bipolar. But I've known people with it and I dont think so. Also heard aspergers can present as lots of things including bipolar so that makes sense. our cheery natural disposition and magnetic pull towards depression can come off that way sometimes but i dont feel its as rapid, I'm not manic, and i dont feel that the rage is as irrational. others may disagree during certain times of the month if you know what i mean.
My face is constantly puffy lately. i always see these ladies with sunken eyes and sort of poofy, droopy bags that puff against the tops of their cheeks forming a crease and i wonder how it got that way.. tiredness? a night of sleep wouldnt help some of tese women. its not those kind of bags. it looks like years of crying and hopelessness. not just women. maybe i just notice it more in women because lately i've been looking more at faces and noticing that women arent all as perfect as iusually think they are. a while ago i noticed i never look closely at anyones face. lately i started seeing who wears makeup and who doesnt.. where before it was all a blur. people i consder naturally beautiful because my eye glaze over them and then i see the powdery matteness against their skin and wonder whats underneath. theyre still beautiful but now i see them as humans with flaws like me instead of 'women' and I'm just a 'thing'.
I'm going to be 30 in like 5 months. i dont know what to think about it. I have a list of things i wanted done and accomplished by 30. and i dont think any are even close. 3 kids by 30 was one. lol what a joke. first of all now i dont want 3 kids. id be happy with 1 or 2. but even 1 by 30.. not happening. I mean its possible but not likely or smart right now. Not the time. Never is or seems to be.
So much happened in the last month. In the last 3, 6, year, 2 years. its like i think things are crazy but settling down and then they get together and have little crazy babies. But this last 2 weeks has definitely been the most crazy
I wouldnt even know where to start.
I have so much to say but if I start I'll write about things for hours instead of getting things done. I want to have something worth writing about someday...

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1352 (157)
"We all die,
the goal is not to live forever,
the goal is to create something
that will" 
It was hard enough finding food to eat as a single person when I actually had a desire to eat
Now its ten times harder (b/c of appetite supressor) to find food with no desire to eat it
My roommate won't stop talking, okay scratch that, won't stop complaining
She said watching her parents animals while they are away is, and I quote, 'like the worse thing ever!'
And then Natalie is having tragedy after tragedy and I can't keep up with them.
Does no one see the good in this world? 
Does no one try to put the good in their own world?
I don't consider myself a positive person by any means, 
But geez, even I can see the good around me, create good around me, and not complain 24/7
My patience level is usually higher, but this weekend I lost it. 
Isn't there someone out there not so engrossed in their own lives to listen me?
Or am I just supposed to listen to everyone else and their complaints?
I needed two time outs yesterday. 
The little things that don't matter are bugging the crap out of me.
The pickle jar effect.  Not being able to open the pickle jar can ruin your whole day!
I went to the store to get like three needed things, the rest were wants, and I somehow I didnt come back with one of the needed items, maybe I left it at the store.  That fact just needles at me.  I don't lose things or forget things or whatever and I actually needed that item!  Came back with everything else! And then when you leave the store or get home you remember a few more things you need.  Aarrghh. 
I was trying to write a 'short' story yesterday and I couldn't find the right words to describe one of my characters.  Like writers block.  That fact drove me nuts most of the day. 
Taking Sabrina to the Frisbee game they had annoyed me.  Not as much as usual though. 
Watching these athletic people run around on the grass annoyed me, not as much as the fact that none of those people would be interested in someone like me merely because of my lack of athleticness. 
Noting and appreciating my progess with my weight or at least how I feel lately, and then seeing others who are naturally already skinny with more energy than I, annoyed me. 
Not wanting to socialize while at a social activity annoyed me. 
Knowing that I could leave the game early and no one would notice annoyed me.  Mainly because Sabrina should at least be noticed.  

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water (59)
my fingers are tingly, i want to to color. my eyes want to close. i didn't think i would enjoy swimming. i can do this every day. i'm thinking about changing my diet. i feel like shit. i want to have more energy, i don't want to be this heavy either. i liked when i was leaner and agile. now i feel clumsy and stiff. i'm going to start working on my flexibility again. i want to be able to pistol squat better than i used to. i'm glad i can jump rope. i'm going to leave soccer again. i do miss everyone but the drive is too much. plus there are people that go that i know i shouldn't be around. i just want to left alone. friends don't want to fuck friends.
there has been someone else on my mind. i guess it's just curiosity? either i'm wondering or it's a capricho of mine that i haven't dealt with yet. if i set my mind to an idea and i don't get it, i wait. sometimes i'm not even aware of it. i act and things fall on my pocket and i'm left shocked and surprised. i think i want to play a game right now. i do. i love puzzles. i don't have the energy to draw. my eyes want to close.
i've been so lucky. is it luck? i don't know. y olvidarme de todo lo que hace sufrir, reptilectric no me arrepiento de nada. i'm done with that.
hello pain. flood my body with lessons. i'm ready to let it go.

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focus (68)
today was one of the most difficult days, i was so close to going back. i made it. tomorrow is a new day.

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the light (63)
curtains were hung and no light shone through. silence. finally. it was then that i understood what everyone has been saying. we all have a light and we do what we want with that energy. i finally get it. i closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, thoughts flooded my mind. instead of running and numbing i asked why. all the answers i've been in search of were within me all along.
i get it.
embrace the visions, the feelings, and explore what's going on around yourself but do not become lost in other people's lives. remember to ask yourself why; become curious about why you do the things you do. you deserve to be at peace, to play, to learn, love and to be loved. put in the work first-find the answers for yourself.
i love me. i forgive me. i will forgive those that have hurt me. i will ask for forgiveness and will plan to not repeat mistakes from the past. i will be mindful of myself. i forgive me. i forgive me. i forgive me.

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[123] Been My Home (70)
I'm so angry right now.
My grandmother, after promising to NOT move my cousin in here, agreed to let her move in.
I don't want to deal with this bullshit and I do not need the stress. I'm tired of everyone giving in and letting her make a mess of her life and always being there to catch her when she falls - thus NEVER letting her learn her lesson.
I don't understand.
I don't understand how she received all of the tools needed for life on a silver plattered, squandered them, and everyone just acts like it's no big deal and treats her like a damn victim.
I can't live with her. I did it once and itwasn't a good situation. I do not want to deal with her and become a built in babysitter / endure her abusing her child. I can't handle this bullshit anymore.
Now I have to move AGAIN in less than two months because everyone in my family is so damn unreliable.

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1350 (183)
That feeling of
being in a room full of people
and feeling so utterly alone 
has come back again
sometimes I'd rather actually be alone
than feel alone

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1349 (116)
I got the same two lessons in a row.
I think God is trying to tell me something.
And the subject of food should not be this stressful. 
God bless this mess. 

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[122] Do You Have a Pulse? (64)
I'm going to try and blog more...it helps me clear my mind and relax. There's something theraputic about typing what you think and seeing the words in front of you.
I don't know what to do with my life currently.
I need to come out with more books but my muse is being silent. Every time I go to write nothing comes out and it's just...blankness. I don't know why but it's distressing.
I've been hacking games like editing/changing things and making new scripts in an attempt to make a new version - which is fun and time consuming, but I can't spend hours on it like I used to. I just do it for 20-30 minute bursts...and then I do something else.
I've been watching Merlin and that takes my mind off of my issues, at least until the credits roll so I've begun to chain watch episodes which does help...but also wastes my day.
I can't get a job until July. I'm moving around too much and can't put any roots down until I have a more stable living situation.
The one thing I want to do - I want to open a bakery or work in a bakery. I love to cook - I love everything about it but I don't have credit, can't get business loans, etc. so that's not going to happen. I just hate how complicated life is sometimes.
The only thing that's keeping me going is that the game con I'm going to looms close and I'll see my friends again. I'm so glad we saved up all the money and payed everything off before shit went to hell. Oh, and Icon For Hire put out new music. That's helpful, too.
I miss my friends - especially Jordan and Ashe. I can't wait to see them. 

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I'm back, bitches! (327)
Guys. I finally remembered my password. YES.

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1348 (130)
"The past is my experience
The present my responsibility
And the future my challenge."
-Joseph Forkpah
I think I need "Bless this mess" stamped on me.

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Dear Gary Fan 335 (254)
I've dated my beloved for almost 9 months now, and I truly believe he's the man of my dreams and beyond. With his flaws and all, he's perfect to me. He's gone through such rough times and all I want to do is take those times away. And when I make him smile, for a split second I accomplish my goal. He's my love, my everything. I just hope he knows I want him to be my future too. 

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w o w (307)
I haven't been here in a long time.

I love how Scott keeps saving Sitdiary. I remember leaving to use Blogger & Wordpress, but feeling pretty damn nostalgic so I tried to do light entries here. The domain was down because he was having difficulties with... something? Maybe I got that last part entirely skewed. All I know is that here we are. Phew. Still here. Remember when the url was diaries.suchisthis? For the last 10 minutes I've been going back in my entries and reminiscing all of my "art", thoughts, wants, fuck ups , and relationships. Funny story, that friend I used to mention here and there (Cory), we got married in 2012. Yeah, dreams do come true! lolz . It's weird and magical how things work out.
I see that I talked about smoking a lot previously. I "quit" smoking weed around a year/two ago. The last time I smoked I had a panic attack in the bathroom at work that morning. I've been going through a lot of things mentally for the past 5 years or so. It wasn't my first panic attack, but it the was the first in a long time. Started to get depressed. I remember going home and calling up my drug dealer J.R.(who you can never call your friend) and practically begging him to sell me something- a fucking joint at least, maybe not my usual ounce. I had previously talked to him about how I got back with my ex and we fell in love, got married. I told him how Cory didn't smoke so I told myself I would quit smoking. Get this: after I got off work and called J.R. he started a moral tirade of how you need to stay truthful to your spouse. True . I couldn't deny that, but I still asked, " A joint dude. A fucking joint. How are you going to have morals as a fucking drug dealer?" So the drug dealer with morals dropped his ethical act for a few minutes to meet with me. 
When I got the joint back to my place I went into the kitchen and opened the window. I'm 5' and the kitchen windows started around 5'5" so I had to climb on a step stool to unlatch them. So there I am on a fucking stool lighting my last joint. We got to this point because of a panic attack, I kept telling myself. I propped one elbow on the window sill and my hand under my chin. I probably looked like a sad miserable fuck, but the smoke trails were calming. At that time in my life, weed was a "therapy" of sorts. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every last pull. When Cory got home I told him what I had done. You know what? He was ok with it. 
The house I just mentioned was part of historical downtown right smack in the heart of the city. It was the lowest rent I have ever paid. It was built in 1890 as a duplex. So when you walk in using the glass front door you're in the foyer and door 1 is to the left and door 2 is at the right side. (Side note: I bought pizza one time and when the delivery guy came he kept looking at the other door and finally said, "I keep expecting someone to pop out of this door.") When you enter our side of the house you're in the living room. You go through another door to the right and that's the bedroom. Go through a door and there is the kitchen. Go through a door and there is the bathroom... at the end of everything. For someone to use the restroom they had to go through our bedroom and kitchen. I loved it. In older homes they are built with such character. High ceilings and so many windows to let natural light in.
Right now we are renting a townhome twice the size of that downtown home. It's closer to Cory's job. We're saving up for a home right now. I'm trying to get a 20% downpayment and do the logical things. I have a few friends who bought homes in the past 2 years and have put anywhere from 5-10%. There is a running joke in my circle of friends saying that when it comes time to buy, we will probably be able to buy it in cash. Fuck me, right? And there's another thing happening right now- lots of people getting pregnant. For some, baby #2 is coming around. For me, I have 2 cats. Ha. My sister just had a baby boy in May. I was equally thrilled and scared holding him as he was just 5 days old when I was able to visit them. Cory doesn't want children. I don't need children. I'm pretty complacent right now with my life. I started seeing a therapist a year ago. Shit really helps like they said it does.
See, the hardest part about therapy is the very first fucking step: getting up and actually going. I had to make that effort myself. Cory suggested I see one years ago although he never pressured me. I eventually bucked up and did it. I have anxiety and depression. I don't know if the fucked up part is actually hearing what's "wrong" with you finally after years of wondering or... hoping that you were wrong. Guess what? Intuition is a bitch. We started with therapy first. I told myself I never wanted to take medication.  So 9 months into therapy I felt like I couldn't make myself change. I still had thoughts that I felt like I shouldn't/didn't want to be having. I felt like I was trying so hard and yet I still couldn't feel "normal." My doctor prescribed 10mg of Lexapro in early September of last year. I struggled with the fact that I had to take meds to be a functioning human being. By early December I was taking 15mg. In January of this year I started taking 20mg. Then in the beginning of March I asked to go back down to 10mg gradually. My sister had a baby in May so I had to buy tickets to go up north for 8 days...
Our flight was at 6am that morning so we got up at 3:30am. I usually try to take my meds anywhere from 7:00-8:00am. Guess who forgot to take them at 7 in the haze of rushing to the airport? Yeah. FML. No big deal, I told myself. (See? Behavioral cognitive therapy was working. Don't panic.) We were to arrive at our layover in DC by 8. Once we got there I searched through my carry-on luggage semi-frantically. I couldn't find my fucking pills anywhere. Yeah. FML again. For the first time in over half a year I would not be taking medication continuously. 8 days. 8 days in a row. That's 1 day over a week. I mentally braced myself knowing that when I went from 20 to 10mg it wasn't that bad although it was still a struggle. Then again, it was a gradual progression. This was going to be a week of fucking nothing. The struggle was so real.
The crazy part was that when we got back from vacation I didn't feel like calling my doctor or therapist. I had been wanting to get off of meds in March, but knew it had to be a slow ordeal. I've pretty much stopped taking Lexapro now. It's been 5 weeks since that incident. At first I found it hard to fall asleep, but I'm back to feeling slightly normal again. I haven't told Cory that I stopped taking my meds. I felt like I was only showing withdrawal symptoms for the first 2 weeks. I can't imagine going from 20mg to nothing. Anyway, I'm still seeing my therapist every now and then. I can't commit to a weekly schedule. I try to go every 2 weeks now. It's something.
Ugh. I love how diaries evoke the most drama shit in your life. Other than obviously grown up shit, everything is going great. Seriously. Til next time... next month... or year. 

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1347 (167)
Downward spiral.
I have to get out of my head.
I have to catch myself before I fall deeper in these thoughts.
People who are not single tend to use the word "lonely" when describing us singles.
But there's so much that encompasses that word.  It doesn't seem adequate. 
Its the awful facts of being stuck in the same group of people for years because we all bought houses around here. 
Its the terrible truth that no matter how many years we are stuck around each other nothing is going to change on the 'friend' scale between us
Its the horrible truth that if one of us just happened to disappear no one would notice
Its the sad reality that our pets are our life line, the ones who truly understand us, the ones who would notice if we disappeared, so when they pass its a earth shattering kind of loneliness and others without a tie to animals have no idea what its like
Its the shocking truth no matter how old you get your crush is not going to notice you exist no matter how much you think about them, that is until they move away and disappear, and even the next crush you inevitably find won't notice your flirtations or advances 
Its the unpleasant facts that it is still a high turn over rate in a singles group as others buy houses elsewhere
Its the poor veracity that its hard to make friends in the first place and then find them leaving
Its the horrible assumption of tasks being thrown your way simply because 'you are single and stable and can handle it'
The lack of deep conversations about life 
The lack of physical contact with human beings
It all feels suffocating at times 
The sad fact there is no one to tell this too cept my journal that no one reads...

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[121] Any Moment (95)
So today marks the first day of change and turning my life into a positive direction.
I started a new diet today where I'm monitoring everything I eat and portioning correctly. If it goes well, I hope to lose 35lbs by the end of this year. I want to get fit and healthy.
 I'm also going to be writing more. It'll have been a year since my last release and that's not how it should be. I should be releasing novels yearly.
And exercise, too, btw on that getting fit/healthy front.
I just want to take steps in the right direction to be happy - to make myself happier.
On that note, I've also gone to the doctors to get a minor operation that I should have gotten when I was younger but never did - that's scheduled for August. And I'm also getting my anxiety meds back because I feel like I need them until the end of the year, anyway.
Wish me luck. 

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1346 (118)
Happy Birfday to my baby Paul!
One year older and in so much more trouble!
Them babies dont stay babies very long in that family.
They quickly jump to toddlers and act like toddlers almost 9 months after they born, or less in some cases. 
Dal's babies tend to stay babies for a while.... I still got my baby Maggie for now. 
She turns one this month too!
And then Nicholas turns one! 
Lots of one years old crawling around, or in Pauls case, running around.
Paul seemed to hop to life a little bit quicker than the other two born the same month/year as him. 
Maggie crawls and maybe stands while holding things, sometimes she lets go.
Nicky crawls doesn't feel the need to stand on his own and still holds onto things. 
But Maggie and Nicky are kinda still big chunks.  Little fat cheeks and fat rolls of cuteness. 
Paul, on the other hand, is a tall skinny little twig. 
I took a pic of him on his kitchen floor once and I keep looking at it marveling how long his legs are. 
How does my sister get tall kids?  
Maylee amazed me like that too.  I should be used to it by now.
Can't believe its been one year already... 

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[120] Room For Me (67)
Things are a bit brighter but not much.
Grandmother is reverting back to her old self...and it barely took a week. I have to be strong because we're stuck here for a few months. I can be strong. I survived 17 years of this I can endure 3 months. Ugh.
On a lighter note I have Internet back so I can play WoW again.
I'm excited about the recent con I have coming up (I already paid for it before the whole house losing thing so shh) it'll be nice to see my friends/family again.

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relapse (65)
i was doing so well.

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1345 (106)
A month plus later my sister mails me a bday gift. 
She agonized over this since I left for Europe, you can tell.
She finally made a decision on what to get me.
I love packages.  I love presents.  I dont care if its late.  I can get packages/presents/surprises in the mail all year long and call it my bday, I dont care.  I love it.
She gave me a box full of nuts, a variety of course, but all nuts. 
I hate nuts.  Of any kind.
My hatred of nuts is almost as obvious as if I were allergic. 
I'm glad it was mailed so my sister didn't see my face when I opened it.
Sometimes I just want to scream at my family, "It's like you people don't know me at all!"
She's the kind of gift giver that gives things SHE would like or would want to try out, sometimes uses her gifts as ginuea pig ideas on others before she does it... 
But alas, I stick to my statement.  I dont care. I like packages. I like being thought of.  I like that people put the effort into things for me.  So I'm okay with it. 
I just had to have a little tantrum about my invisibility and/or lack of any of my family members knowing me and what I like or do not like. 
I bet Grandma would remember I dont like nuts.  I bet I could tell her my sister gave me a box of nuts and I probably wouldn't have to even give her an 'ew' look and she'd say almost immediately "But you dont like nuts." in her soft and careful voice. And then I'd shout to the heavens, "Thank goodness my grandmother knows me!  Someone in my family knows this about me!" 
With that being said....
I've eaten like three packages of the different variaties of nuts...almonds, cashews, peanuts...
And I kinda like them
Either that or I've been starving whenever I pull them out...
The varieties are so different and mixed with fruit and flavors that its not too nutty after all
Sometimes my sisters weird ideas of things to do/try aren't so bad...
Sometimes it just takes a little faith.  And of course, things dont work out until I get over my attitude and tantrums and just say "Okay" and try it out anyway.  And then I find it isn't so bad. 
I love mah sister. 

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[119] So Much Pressure (75)
So the last month has made for a LOT of character building.
To recap:
My fiance and myself both lost our jobs in an inopportune time. You'd think this would be fine, given that we were staying with friends until we saved up enough money for our house...but no, that was not the case.
A few small things happened and my once best friend, is now my best friend no longer. She couldn't cope with the stress of living with more people and so instead of talking things out with us - decided she no longer wanted us to live there so I we got a truck and left immediately (only 20 days after living there...yeah) needless to say we're not friends any longer. Fuck her.
We tried to stay with Anthony's dad but his dad is an asshole who isn't supportive of our relationship and thus didn't want me staying there also. I guess he didn't want too much gay in one house.
So now we're at my grandmother's house currently...the house I grew up in which caused me a lot of mental damage - most of which I've worked through, but it still adds a bit of emotional anguish.
We're now forced to put a whole life of stuff in just a single room and deal with other misc. stressful things. The only good thing I can say is that we're still together.
We're both looking for something good so we can get out ASAP. I just hope my sanity lasts long enough. 

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Untitled (273)
Just to be clear my doctor put me on a new antidepressant last week. I'd tried out another before it for a minute -and to be fair it worked great- but the side effects were a little too much for me. Because of all this though, my emotional stability is a wreck. I've never sympathized so much with crazy people.

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Untitled (84)
I know I've already written today.
I don't want the last entry to be so exposed. It feels like the monster, the other side of who I am. I am ashamed and proud of the monster. As I am with all of myself.
I had a though about what our love is like...
It's like facing two mirrors against each other. And then attempting to fix the image in the middle.

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1344 (183)
I've got plenty of people to do things with
and people to talk to
What I'm looking for is someone I can be with
and do nothing with
Some peoples lack of faith is exhausting

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morbid and persistent thoughts (249)
I get antsy when I think about the fact that I have not yet contribute anything to society or the world at large. It stings more and more the older I get. #27 #27club

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X (78)
I do not want to submit to this capitalism
But I do and do and do
Social capitalism, socialist capitalism, exile and ostracism
You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people standing on the track. As you realize that you can divert the train, a person falls on the other track. The train will certainly kill anyone it hits. Do you pull the switch?
You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people. They will each lose a toe, and could die. If you pull the switch, a person on the other platform will lose two arms, and you aren't sure if they'll survive. Do you pull the switch?
The five people are children, the one person is elderly.
The five people are all fat.
The one person is an infant.
The one person is disabled.
The five people are republicans.
The one person is your mother.
The five people are on your daughter's soccer team.
It is illegal to use a railway switch without being licensed and employed by the railroad.
You are one of the five.
It's now 5 vs 10 people (5 with using the switch). You are one of the five.
The one is you.
The one is you.
The one is you.

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