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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

Love,

 

Scott

 

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Recent Posts

 
1358 (36)
"Now more than ever do I realize that I shall never be content with a sedentary life, and that I shall always be haunted by thoughts of a sun-drenched elsewhere."   - Isabelle Eberhardt
 
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."  - Anais Nin
 
"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them."   - Mark Twain
 

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For now. (17)
When I get back home tomorrow after my work and meeting has ended, I'm going to retire from a few things. Rather retire a few habbits. Put old musty dreams in the bins of yesterday and move this wheel up further. Love you all. And hope everything is ok with everyone. 

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[124] Just An Outcast (26)
I don't know if You can hear me
Or if You're even there
I don't know if You will listen
To a humble prayer
They tell me I am just an outcast
I shouldn't speak to You
Still, I see your face and wonder
Were You once an outcast, too?
 
 
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I know my last entry left things on a cliffhanger.
Things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others.
 I went to a con with friends. It's the one I go to every summer and it definitely helped me raise my morale and perspective on things as only friends can do. It was also the first drama free one in a long time...which was good. Sure there were small incidents but they were just that - small.
My cousin isn't moving in. Her mother put an end to that crap.
Oh, we got back and we found a place to move into that's reasonable and not bad! So yeah, we're leaving at the end of this month which makes me very happy.
Today I got some scary news. My brother stabbed someone. Yup, you read that correctly. He stabbed someone and my mother was at the police station with him.
I'm nervous. I hope he didn't do it. There's a chance he didn't and is just covering for someone. He's that type of person he'd rather go down than betray a friend...he's very troubled and has been going through things the last year or so. I don't know if he knows how bad our mother's heart is or how much strain he's putting on her.
I'm worried for his future and I'm worried for hers.
One of the good things of my mother having me so young is that she's supposed to be in my life a long time. I don't want that to be cut short because of stress. But on the other hand she could have been more on top of things with him. Damn it.
I think no matter what the outcome today, lives will be ruined. As it stands the boy/victim is in the hospital and they don't know how he's doing / if he'll survive.
If you pray, please pray for my family.

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psychothrilla (20)
i always find it comforting to find my words here.
hiding.
right where i left them so long ago.
before all that was.
and now all that is.
the things you choose eventually choose you.
we/re once again faced with an issue we/ve been faced with far too much in this life.
in such little time.
if only we knew how to behave better.
act better.
grow up and be less selfish.
his gambling and meth.
my drinking and rage.
we carried it to the limit.
those are the things we apprently find more important.
than family time.
family life.
behaving.
while all of my friends old and new go on to better pastures.
we/re left in the muck.
always in the muck.
because feeding the demon.
is more important than feeding the light.
i refuse to be here again.
and i dont care what it takes to get it good and gone.
facing life on the street is no way to live.
or to love.
or to show as an example.
we came here.
i came back here.
to be different.
to be the old better me.
the one with joy in my black cold heart.
not to watch it all fall apart.
again.
and again.
if only i could find the nerve to be that me.
the one who doesnt make excuses.
or play pretend.
im farfarfar too old for this game.
please give us one more 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th undeserved chance.
this time i will not fail.
 

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1355 (76)
I think I may have found a new favorite band?
Still stuck on emo music like 13+ years later...
I blame Mason. in 8th grade. in the back of the bus on the way home. he stuck an earbud in my ear. the other bud in his ear.
and he introduced me to emo music
talk about easily influenced 
Choose your friends wisely
I want another tub of cookie dough to eat... 
"But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best
 
You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
 

'Cause I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

Mayday Parade - Miserable at Best
 

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1354 (42)
After many weeks of my sister waffling on going to Taipei or not....
I finally got a face to face with her and said she was going...
I gathered the information from her and learned how easy it was to plan this trip.  Only three things needed some research really, plane tix, hotel (not really she already had that picked out), and then public transportation.  After my last international trip, this was easy peasy planning.  I got this.
I bought plane tix like two days later. Good thing too cuz as it gets closer the prices get higher.  I was done with her waffling.  Although it did not really fix the problem. She is still waffling even though she knows she is going. But at least this way I know I get to go!   She says she'll "do it for me".  Most of the traveling I have done the past 5-6 years has been because of her, but that was all stateside, visiting her.  
I won't make her go international ever again after this, but I think this was important/special enough for her to make the effort. By make her go I mean I won't tell Mom on her again... Mom is really the bully that makes her daughters go out of their comfort zone. 
I got my handy-dandy passport out again.  Didn't think I'd ever use this again after Europe!  It gets me all giggly excited.  That stupid song stuck in my head again, "I'm going on a trip!  In my favorite rocket ship!  Zooming through the sky!  Little Einsteins!" 
International twice this year.  Wheeeee.  I'm going to be so broke.
I can see it now.  My sister trying to smother me with a pillow or wrapping her hands around my neck and someone getting a picture of it when I push my sister too far past her breaking point.  I'll send the picture home via email with a caption, "Go with your sister all the way to Taiwan, mother said.  You'll have fun, she said. Memories of a life time, she said." 
Aunti Flow is on her way now.  Hopefully before I get on a plane.... A period and cramps at that high altitutde is...not pleasant. I started my period on the way back from London. Joy.  And then coming back down to the ground....  I get sick just on normal conditions on planes, I don't need my period to help with the nausea.  I'm pretty sure the period will be done by the time I get on a plane tho.  The hormone high that close to leaving will either wipe me out or get me super pumped.  We shall see. 
With the period next week, that means this week with the PMS I get the weird cravings.
I bought a little tub of cookie dough.  Cookie dough that won't kill you!  (with no eggs)  Brilliant.
So I kept waking up in the middle of the night and thinking "yummy cookie dough" and if it wasn't that I was thinking about kissing a boy, remembering how to kiss in general...
I can't stop thinking about cookie dough and kissing!
Apparently my decision making skills are compromised also.  I finally put down the cookie dough, but then got Mexican food, which gives me heartburn super bad. So I had mexican food for lunch with no medication with it and so I'll prolly be up most of the night in pain.  I willingly choose pain for mexican food, for a craving. Hey, at least I did it on the weekend when I could sleep in. I should prolly go see a doc about this consistent heartburn/reflux. 
"Coin operated boy 
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy 
but i turn him on and he comes to life 
Automatic joy
That is why I want a coin operated boy
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend....
--------------
c oin operated boy
he may  no t be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a 
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy"
-The Dresden Dolls

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Squishy ice cubes (188)
When I'm depressed Im pulled to the ground. Literally. All i want to do is lay on the floor. Sleeping on a bed seems impossible. When i think about it I get this weird feeling like.. God i can't describe it.. but it's almost like it feels "too hopeful" and i know everything is hopeless. I'm fine though. I mean considering everything I'm doing grest I'd say. Maybe. I'm here. I'm not currently moving forward but I'm looking in a forward like direction. I'm definitely thinking forward thoughts.
 
It's just thst i get so sucked into myself and my thoughts and my situations and it becomes the focus of every dsy instead of changing the situation. I have been trying tho. Working on projects. Attempting things at least.
 
Divorce is so dibilitating. Not just in the ways you'd think but it has the power to make you so hopeless about such mundane things. And serious things. And new relationships. Amd the whole concept of "forever" actually meaning anything. And how lessons are always learned after the fact. 
 
Ivery been eating my feelings. Usually I am the opposite and have no appetite but recently I'm really hungry all the time. Mini blueberry muffins and chocolate.. the answer to every problem. Ok not really. I'm going to just finish the bin and never eat them again. Running helps.. I should get back into that. 
 
Going to buy a ticket to go to max. If thst doesn't work out I will get my car and road trip it to california.. sell it... and then go to europe indefinitely. Freaking election is a joke aanyways. But i do love my car.... idk.
 
I wrote tim a long message on whatsapp. We've been friends but after the last 2 weeks.. it's too much. I didn't know what else to do.
 
 
I m need to pack. I need to sleep
 
 
 

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gums (15)
i don't want to call it anything, i willed it and it happened. i did it. that's all. i don't think i feel anything right now, i'm not sure yet. i'm a narcissist. i am. i'm surprised, i am genuinley surprised. it's not rage, it's not frustration, and it's certainly not depression. i cannot define it. i do what i do and that's all that is. right now that is all that is. i feel a need to share it. there is no where i can without really upsetting something-the peace. this false peace. bull shit. that is no peace. all i can do is work one bit of the situation, one issue at a time. one angle today. one side of the leaf on the tree. i guess that's probably why i never drew leaves on my trees ahahaha. every part of the tree had to be just as special and balanced as the rest of the tree-i would have been too overwhelmed. i'll share this journal with them one day. 

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Hours (42)
I'll never understand depression or at least the way my body always tries to handle it. Its like my true self is so joyful and just plain happy but I'm prone to depression so its like a constant tug of war.  back and forth. sometimes i feel like I'm bipolar. But I've known people with it and I dont think so. Also heard aspergers can present as lots of things including bipolar so that makes sense. our cheery natural disposition and magnetic pull towards depression can come off that way sometimes but i dont feel its as rapid, I'm not manic, and i dont feel that the rage is as irrational. others may disagree during certain times of the month if you know what i mean.
 
My face is constantly puffy lately. i always see these ladies with sunken eyes and sort of poofy, droopy bags that puff against the tops of their cheeks forming a crease and i wonder how it got that way.. tiredness? a night of sleep wouldnt help some of tese women. its not those kind of bags. it looks like years of crying and hopelessness. not just women. maybe i just notice it more in women because lately i've been looking more at faces and noticing that women arent all as perfect as iusually think they are. a while ago i noticed i never look closely at anyones face. lately i started seeing who wears makeup and who doesnt.. where before it was all a blur. people i consder naturally beautiful because my eye glaze over them and then i see the powdery matteness against their skin and wonder whats underneath. theyre still beautiful but now i see them as humans with flaws like me instead of 'women' and I'm just a 'thing'.
 
I'm going to be 30 in like 5 months. i dont know what to think about it. I have a list of things i wanted done and accomplished by 30. and i dont think any are even close. 3 kids by 30 was one. lol what a joke. first of all now i dont want 3 kids. id be happy with 1 or 2. but even 1 by 30.. not happening. I mean its possible but not likely or smart right now. Not the time. Never is or seems to be.
 
So much happened in the last month. In the last 3, 6, year, 2 years. its like i think things are crazy but settling down and then they get together and have little crazy babies. But this last 2 weeks has definitely been the most crazy
 
I wouldnt even know where to start.
 
I have so much to say but if I start I'll write about things for hours instead of getting things done. I want to have something worth writing about someday...

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1352 (124)
"We all die,
the goal is not to live forever,
the goal is to create something
that will" 
 
It was hard enough finding food to eat as a single person when I actually had a desire to eat
Now its ten times harder (b/c of appetite supressor) to find food with no desire to eat it
 
My roommate won't stop talking, okay scratch that, won't stop complaining
She said watching her parents animals while they are away is, and I quote, 'like the worse thing ever!'
And then Natalie is having tragedy after tragedy and I can't keep up with them.
Does no one see the good in this world? 
Does no one try to put the good in their own world?
I don't consider myself a positive person by any means, 
But geez, even I can see the good around me, create good around me, and not complain 24/7
My patience level is usually higher, but this weekend I lost it. 
Isn't there someone out there not so engrossed in their own lives to listen me?
Or am I just supposed to listen to everyone else and their complaints?
I needed two time outs yesterday. 
The little things that don't matter are bugging the crap out of me.
The pickle jar effect.  Not being able to open the pickle jar can ruin your whole day!
I went to the store to get like three needed things, the rest were wants, and I somehow I didnt come back with one of the needed items, maybe I left it at the store.  That fact just needles at me.  I don't lose things or forget things or whatever and I actually needed that item!  Came back with everything else! And then when you leave the store or get home you remember a few more things you need.  Aarrghh. 
I was trying to write a 'short' story yesterday and I couldn't find the right words to describe one of my characters.  Like writers block.  That fact drove me nuts most of the day. 
Taking Sabrina to the Frisbee game they had annoyed me.  Not as much as usual though. 
Watching these athletic people run around on the grass annoyed me, not as much as the fact that none of those people would be interested in someone like me merely because of my lack of athleticness. 
Noting and appreciating my progess with my weight or at least how I feel lately, and then seeing others who are naturally already skinny with more energy than I, annoyed me. 
Not wanting to socialize while at a social activity annoyed me. 
Knowing that I could leave the game early and no one would notice annoyed me.  Mainly because Sabrina should at least be noticed.  
 
 

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water (20)
my fingers are tingly, i want to to color. my eyes want to close. i didn't think i would enjoy swimming. i can do this every day. i'm thinking about changing my diet. i feel like shit. i want to have more energy, i don't want to be this heavy either. i liked when i was leaner and agile. now i feel clumsy and stiff. i'm going to start working on my flexibility again. i want to be able to pistol squat better than i used to. i'm glad i can jump rope. i'm going to leave soccer again. i do miss everyone but the drive is too much. plus there are people that go that i know i shouldn't be around. i just want to left alone. friends don't want to fuck friends.
 
there has been someone else on my mind. i guess it's just curiosity? either i'm wondering or it's a capricho of mine that i haven't dealt with yet. if i set my mind to an idea and i don't get it, i wait. sometimes i'm not even aware of it. i act and things fall on my pocket and i'm left shocked and surprised. i think i want to play a game right now. i do. i love puzzles. i don't have the energy to draw. my eyes want to close.
i've been so lucky. is it luck? i don't know. y olvidarme de todo lo que hace sufrir, reptilectric no me arrepiento de nada. i'm done with that.
 
hello pain. flood my body with lessons. i'm ready to let it go.

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focus (21)
today was one of the most difficult days, i was so close to going back. i made it. tomorrow is a new day.

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the light (25)
curtains were hung and no light shone through. silence. finally. it was then that i understood what everyone has been saying. we all have a light and we do what we want with that energy. i finally get it. i closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, thoughts flooded my mind. instead of running and numbing i asked why. all the answers i've been in search of were within me all along.
i get it.
embrace the visions, the feelings, and explore what's going on around yourself but do not become lost in other people's lives. remember to ask yourself why; become curious about why you do the things you do. you deserve to be at peace, to play, to learn, love and to be loved. put in the work first-find the answers for yourself.
i love me. i forgive me. i will forgive those that have hurt me. i will ask for forgiveness and will plan to not repeat mistakes from the past. i will be mindful of myself. i forgive me. i forgive me. i forgive me.
 

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[123] Been My Home (45)
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
 
 
 
I'm so angry right now.
My grandmother, after promising to NOT move my cousin in here, agreed to let her move in.
FUCK.
I don't want to deal with this bullshit and I do not need the stress. I'm tired of everyone giving in and letting her make a mess of her life and always being there to catch her when she falls - thus NEVER letting her learn her lesson.
 
 
I don't understand.
I don't understand how she received all of the tools needed for life on a silver plattered, squandered them, and everyone just acts like it's no big deal and treats her like a damn victim.
 
I can't live with her. I did it once and itwasn't a good situation. I do not want to deal with her and become a built in babysitter / endure her abusing her child. I can't handle this bullshit anymore.
 
Now I have to move AGAIN in less than two months because everyone in my family is so damn unreliable.
FUCK.

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1350 (155)
That feeling of
being in a room full of people
and feeling so utterly alone 
has come back again
 
sometimes I'd rather actually be alone
than feel alone
 
 
 

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1349 (68)
 
I got the same two lessons in a row.
I think God is trying to tell me something.
 
And the subject of food should not be this stressful. 
 
God bless this mess. 
 

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[122] Do You Have a Pulse? (37)
I'm going to try and blog more...it helps me clear my mind and relax. There's something theraputic about typing what you think and seeing the words in front of you.
I don't know what to do with my life currently.
I need to come out with more books but my muse is being silent. Every time I go to write nothing comes out and it's just...blankness. I don't know why but it's distressing.
I've been hacking games like editing/changing things and making new scripts in an attempt to make a new version - which is fun and time consuming, but I can't spend hours on it like I used to. I just do it for 20-30 minute bursts...and then I do something else.
I've been watching Merlin and that takes my mind off of my issues, at least until the credits roll so I've begun to chain watch episodes which does help...but also wastes my day.
I can't get a job until July. I'm moving around too much and can't put any roots down until I have a more stable living situation.
Ugh.
The one thing I want to do - I want to open a bakery or work in a bakery. I love to cook - I love everything about it but I don't have credit, can't get business loans, etc. so that's not going to happen. I just hate how complicated life is sometimes.
The only thing that's keeping me going is that the game con I'm going to looms close and I'll see my friends again. I'm so glad we saved up all the money and payed everything off before shit went to hell. Oh, and Icon For Hire put out new music. That's helpful, too.
I miss my friends - especially Jordan and Ashe. I can't wait to see them. 

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I'm back, bitches! (188)
Guys. I finally remembered my password. YES.

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1348 (79)
"The past is my experience
The present my responsibility
And the future my challenge."
-Joseph Forkpah
 
I think I need "Bless this mess" stamped on me.

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Dear Gary Fan 335 (122)
I've dated my beloved for almost 9 months now, and I truly believe he's the man of my dreams and beyond. With his flaws and all, he's perfect to me. He's gone through such rough times and all I want to do is take those times away. And when I make him smile, for a split second I accomplish my goal. He's my love, my everything. I just hope he knows I want him to be my future too. 

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w o w (192)
I haven't been here in a long time.

I love how Scott keeps saving Sitdiary. I remember leaving to use Blogger & Wordpress, but feeling pretty damn nostalgic so I tried to do light entries here. The domain was down because he was having difficulties with... something? Maybe I got that last part entirely skewed. All I know is that here we are. Phew. Still here. Remember when the url was diaries.suchisthis? For the last 10 minutes I've been going back in my entries and reminiscing all of my "art", thoughts, wants, fuck ups , and relationships. Funny story, that friend I used to mention here and there (Cory), we got married in 2012. Yeah, dreams do come true! lolz . It's weird and magical how things work out.
 
I see that I talked about smoking a lot previously. I "quit" smoking weed around a year/two ago. The last time I smoked I had a panic attack in the bathroom at work that morning. I've been going through a lot of things mentally for the past 5 years or so. It wasn't my first panic attack, but it the was the first in a long time. Started to get depressed. I remember going home and calling up my drug dealer J.R.(who you can never call your friend) and practically begging him to sell me something- a fucking joint at least, maybe not my usual ounce. I had previously talked to him about how I got back with my ex and we fell in love, got married. I told him how Cory didn't smoke so I told myself I would quit smoking. Get this: after I got off work and called J.R. he started a moral tirade of how you need to stay truthful to your spouse. True . I couldn't deny that, but I still asked, " A joint dude. A fucking joint. How are you going to have morals as a fucking drug dealer?" So the drug dealer with morals dropped his ethical act for a few minutes to meet with me. 
 
When I got the joint back to my place I went into the kitchen and opened the window. I'm 5' and the kitchen windows started around 5'5" so I had to climb on a step stool to unlatch them. So there I am on a fucking stool lighting my last joint. We got to this point because of a panic attack, I kept telling myself. I propped one elbow on the window sill and my hand under my chin. I probably looked like a sad miserable fuck, but the smoke trails were calming. At that time in my life, weed was a "therapy" of sorts. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every last pull. When Cory got home I told him what I had done. You know what? He was ok with it. 
 
The house I just mentioned was part of historical downtown right smack in the heart of the city. It was the lowest rent I have ever paid. It was built in 1890 as a duplex. So when you walk in using the glass front door you're in the foyer and door 1 is to the left and door 2 is at the right side. (Side note: I bought pizza one time and when the delivery guy came he kept looking at the other door and finally said, "I keep expecting someone to pop out of this door.") When you enter our side of the house you're in the living room. You go through another door to the right and that's the bedroom. Go through a door and there is the kitchen. Go through a door and there is the bathroom... at the end of everything. For someone to use the restroom they had to go through our bedroom and kitchen. I loved it. In older homes they are built with such character. High ceilings and so many windows to let natural light in.
 
Right now we are renting a townhome twice the size of that downtown home. It's closer to Cory's job. We're saving up for a home right now. I'm trying to get a 20% downpayment and do the logical things. I have a few friends who bought homes in the past 2 years and have put anywhere from 5-10%. There is a running joke in my circle of friends saying that when it comes time to buy, we will probably be able to buy it in cash. Fuck me, right? And there's another thing happening right now- lots of people getting pregnant. For some, baby #2 is coming around. For me, I have 2 cats. Ha. My sister just had a baby boy in May. I was equally thrilled and scared holding him as he was just 5 days old when I was able to visit them. Cory doesn't want children. I don't need children. I'm pretty complacent right now with my life. I started seeing a therapist a year ago. Shit really helps like they said it does.
 
See, the hardest part about therapy is the very first fucking step: getting up and actually going. I had to make that effort myself. Cory suggested I see one years ago although he never pressured me. I eventually bucked up and did it. I have anxiety and depression. I don't know if the fucked up part is actually hearing what's "wrong" with you finally after years of wondering or... hoping that you were wrong. Guess what? Intuition is a bitch. We started with therapy first. I told myself I never wanted to take medication.  So 9 months into therapy I felt like I couldn't make myself change. I still had thoughts that I felt like I shouldn't/didn't want to be having. I felt like I was trying so hard and yet I still couldn't feel "normal." My doctor prescribed 10mg of Lexapro in early September of last year. I struggled with the fact that I had to take meds to be a functioning human being. By early December I was taking 15mg. In January of this year I started taking 20mg. Then in the beginning of March I asked to go back down to 10mg gradually. My sister had a baby in May so I had to buy tickets to go up north for 8 days...
 
Our flight was at 6am that morning so we got up at 3:30am. I usually try to take my meds anywhere from 7:00-8:00am. Guess who forgot to take them at 7 in the haze of rushing to the airport? Yeah. FML. No big deal, I told myself. (See? Behavioral cognitive therapy was working. Don't panic.) We were to arrive at our layover in DC by 8. Once we got there I searched through my carry-on luggage semi-frantically. I couldn't find my fucking pills anywhere. Yeah. FML again. For the first time in over half a year I would not be taking medication continuously. 8 days. 8 days in a row. That's 1 day over a week. I mentally braced myself knowing that when I went from 20 to 10mg it wasn't that bad although it was still a struggle. Then again, it was a gradual progression. This was going to be a week of fucking nothing. The struggle was so real.
 
The crazy part was that when we got back from vacation I didn't feel like calling my doctor or therapist. I had been wanting to get off of meds in March, but knew it had to be a slow ordeal. I've pretty much stopped taking Lexapro now. It's been 5 weeks since that incident. At first I found it hard to fall asleep, but I'm back to feeling slightly normal again. I haven't told Cory that I stopped taking my meds. I felt like I was only showing withdrawal symptoms for the first 2 weeks. I can't imagine going from 20mg to nothing. Anyway, I'm still seeing my therapist every now and then. I can't commit to a weekly schedule. I try to go every 2 weeks now. It's something.
 
Ugh. I love how diaries evoke the most drama shit in your life. Other than obviously grown up shit, everything is going great. Seriously. Til next time... next month... or year. 

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1347 (138)
Downward spiral.
I have to get out of my head.
I have to catch myself before I fall deeper in these thoughts.
People who are not single tend to use the word "lonely" when describing us singles.
But there's so much that encompasses that word.  It doesn't seem adequate. 
Its the awful facts of being stuck in the same group of people for years because we all bought houses around here. 
Its the terrible truth that no matter how many years we are stuck around each other nothing is going to change on the 'friend' scale between us
Its the horrible truth that if one of us just happened to disappear no one would notice
Its the sad reality that our pets are our life line, the ones who truly understand us, the ones who would notice if we disappeared, so when they pass its a earth shattering kind of loneliness and others without a tie to animals have no idea what its like
Its the shocking truth no matter how old you get your crush is not going to notice you exist no matter how much you think about them, that is until they move away and disappear, and even the next crush you inevitably find won't notice your flirtations or advances 
Its the unpleasant facts that it is still a high turn over rate in a singles group as others buy houses elsewhere
Its the poor veracity that its hard to make friends in the first place and then find them leaving
Its the horrible assumption of tasks being thrown your way simply because 'you are single and stable and can handle it'
The lack of deep conversations about life 
The lack of physical contact with human beings
It all feels suffocating at times 
The sad fact there is no one to tell this too cept my journal that no one reads...
 
 

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[121] Any Moment (56)
So today marks the first day of change and turning my life into a positive direction.
I started a new diet today where I'm monitoring everything I eat and portioning correctly. If it goes well, I hope to lose 35lbs by the end of this year. I want to get fit and healthy.
 I'm also going to be writing more. It'll have been a year since my last release and that's not how it should be. I should be releasing novels yearly.
And exercise, too, btw on that getting fit/healthy front.
I just want to take steps in the right direction to be happy - to make myself happier.
On that note, I've also gone to the doctors to get a minor operation that I should have gotten when I was younger but never did - that's scheduled for August. And I'm also getting my anxiety meds back because I feel like I need them until the end of the year, anyway.
Wish me luck. 

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1346 (92)
Happy Birfday to my baby Paul!
One year older and in so much more trouble!
Them babies dont stay babies very long in that family.
They quickly jump to toddlers and act like toddlers almost 9 months after they born, or less in some cases. 
Dal's babies tend to stay babies for a while.... I still got my baby Maggie for now. 
She turns one this month too!
And then Nicholas turns one! 
Lots of one years old crawling around, or in Pauls case, running around.
Paul seemed to hop to life a little bit quicker than the other two born the same month/year as him. 
Maggie crawls and maybe stands while holding things, sometimes she lets go.
Nicky crawls doesn't feel the need to stand on his own and still holds onto things. 
But Maggie and Nicky are kinda still big chunks.  Little fat cheeks and fat rolls of cuteness. 
Paul, on the other hand, is a tall skinny little twig. 
I took a pic of him on his kitchen floor once and I keep looking at it marveling how long his legs are. 
How does my sister get tall kids?  
Maylee amazed me like that too.  I should be used to it by now.
Can't believe its been one year already... 
 

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[120] Room For Me (37)
Things are a bit brighter but not much.
Grandmother is reverting back to her old self...and it barely took a week. I have to be strong because we're stuck here for a few months. I can be strong. I survived 17 years of this I can endure 3 months. Ugh.
On a lighter note I have Internet back so I can play WoW again.
I'm excited about the recent con I have coming up (I already paid for it before the whole house losing thing so shh) it'll be nice to see my friends/family again.
 
Ughhhhh 

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relapse (42)
i was doing so well.

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1345 (62)
A month plus later my sister mails me a bday gift. 
She agonized over this since I left for Europe, you can tell.
She finally made a decision on what to get me.
I love packages.  I love presents.  I dont care if its late.  I can get packages/presents/surprises in the mail all year long and call it my bday, I dont care.  I love it.
She gave me a box full of nuts, a variety of course, but all nuts. 
I hate nuts.  Of any kind.
My hatred of nuts is almost as obvious as if I were allergic. 
I'm glad it was mailed so my sister didn't see my face when I opened it.
Sometimes I just want to scream at my family, "It's like you people don't know me at all!"
She's the kind of gift giver that gives things SHE would like or would want to try out, sometimes uses her gifts as ginuea pig ideas on others before she does it... 
But alas, I stick to my statement.  I dont care. I like packages. I like being thought of.  I like that people put the effort into things for me.  So I'm okay with it. 
I just had to have a little tantrum about my invisibility and/or lack of any of my family members knowing me and what I like or do not like. 
I bet Grandma would remember I dont like nuts.  I bet I could tell her my sister gave me a box of nuts and I probably wouldn't have to even give her an 'ew' look and she'd say almost immediately "But you dont like nuts." in her soft and careful voice. And then I'd shout to the heavens, "Thank goodness my grandmother knows me!  Someone in my family knows this about me!" 
With that being said....
I've eaten like three packages of the different variaties of nuts...almonds, cashews, peanuts...
And I kinda like them
Either that or I've been starving whenever I pull them out...
The varieties are so different and mixed with fruit and flavors that its not too nutty after all
Sometimes my sisters weird ideas of things to do/try aren't so bad...
Sometimes it just takes a little faith.  And of course, things dont work out until I get over my attitude and tantrums and just say "Okay" and try it out anyway.  And then I find it isn't so bad. 
I love mah sister. 
 

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[119] So Much Pressure (37)
So the last month has made for a LOT of character building.
To recap:
My fiance and myself both lost our jobs in an inopportune time. You'd think this would be fine, given that we were staying with friends until we saved up enough money for our house...but no, that was not the case.
A few small things happened and my once best friend, is now my best friend no longer. She couldn't cope with the stress of living with more people and so instead of talking things out with us - decided she no longer wanted us to live there so I we got a truck and left immediately (only 20 days after living there...yeah) needless to say we're not friends any longer. Fuck her.
We tried to stay with Anthony's dad but his dad is an asshole who isn't supportive of our relationship and thus didn't want me staying there also. I guess he didn't want too much gay in one house.
So now we're at my grandmother's house currently...the house I grew up in which caused me a lot of mental damage - most of which I've worked through, but it still adds a bit of emotional anguish.
 
We're now forced to put a whole life of stuff in just a single room and deal with other misc. stressful things. The only good thing I can say is that we're still together.
We're both looking for something good so we can get out ASAP. I just hope my sanity lasts long enough. 

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Untitled (169)
Just to be clear my doctor put me on a new antidepressant last week. I'd tried out another before it for a minute -and to be fair it worked great- but the side effects were a little too much for me. Because of all this though, my emotional stability is a wreck. I've never sympathized so much with crazy people.
 
 

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Untitled (54)
I know I've already written today.
 
I don't want the last entry to be so exposed. It feels like the monster, the other side of who I am. I am ashamed and proud of the monster. As I am with all of myself.
 
I had a though about what our love is like...
 
It's like facing two mirrors against each other. And then attempting to fix the image in the middle.

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1344 (149)
 
I've got plenty of people to do things with
and people to talk to
What I'm looking for is someone I can be with
and do nothing with
 
Some peoples lack of faith is exhausting
 

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morbid and persistent thoughts (165)
I get antsy when I think about the fact that I have not yet contribute anything to society or the world at large. It stings more and more the older I get. #27 #27club

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X (56)
I do not want to submit to this capitalism
But I do and do and do
Social capitalism, socialist capitalism, exile and ostracism
You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people standing on the track. As you realize that you can divert the train, a person falls on the other track. The train will certainly kill anyone it hits. Do you pull the switch?
You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people. They will each lose a toe, and could die. If you pull the switch, a person on the other platform will lose two arms, and you aren't sure if they'll survive. Do you pull the switch?
 
The five people are children, the one person is elderly.
 
The five people are all fat.
 
The one person is an infant.
 
The one person is disabled.
 
The five people are republicans.
 
The one person is your mother.
 
The five people are on your daughter's soccer team.
 
It is illegal to use a railway switch without being licensed and employed by the railroad.
 
You are one of the five.
 
It's now 5 vs 10 people (5 with using the switch). You are one of the five.
 
The one is you.
The one is you.
The one is you.

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[117] Stuck in my Heart (75)
Hey readers/my future self -
I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. Life has been hectic and unkind, which isn't an excuse, I know...but still. Shit happens.
 So spring break was awesome/kinda. I had my friends Scott, Ashe, Tru, and Kyle over. I don't get to see them very much and it was pretty nice to have an entire week with them. However...(and I should have thought of this beforehand) they didn't have spring break the same days so I ended up having guests over my house for three solid weeks straight.
Yeah...no me gusta.
It was fine for the first two weeks but by the third week my anxiety was kicking in and I just wanted my house free of people and empty.
Speaking of empty houses...I'm moving! Anthony and I are going to be purchasing our own actual house (read: NOT an apartment) so we're going to be staying with friends for a few months while we look. And I realize this contridicts my above statement about wanting to be alone but my friends I'm going to stay with are NOT intrusive and we're getting what amounts to a whole daughter home to ourselves...so it shouldn't be a problem.
On good notes - we booked the tickets/hotels for both of the cons we're going to this year. So that's amazing. And we got back into WoW...so there goes all my free time.
I need a life. 

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remedy (66)
the dreams are starting up again. it's all becoming too much. the doubts within me have so much weight. I'm having trouble breathing, I can't move. i can hear movement outside. i am not afraid.

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1340 (282)
 
" It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
 
 
I know we love to hit the road and laugh
But something told me it wouldn't last
Had to switch up
Look at things different see the bigger picture
Those were the days 
Hard work forever pays
Now I see you in a better place
 
 
How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you are gonna be with my for the last ride
 
 
So let the light guide your way, yeah
Hold every memory as you go
And every road you take will always lead you home "
 
 
It's been a long day without you, Max, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again 
 
Sometimes I wish I had someone at home to tell about my long day
 

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dry (71)
i pick at the skin of my thumbs and sometimes i tear at the skin that surrounds my other nails. they're so dry. it feels good to rip it off and see the blood. any time i'm cooking or washing my hands i feel that burn and it puts me at ease. for a second or two, depending on the liquid, the stinging feeling puts me on my toes and i imagine my body secretes chemicals to relax my state. there's a fire in me; i control the site of pain.
when i went to have my wisdom teeth extracted, once under the gas i felt so free. i could hear and feel the metal instruments grind against my other teeth. i never wanted to come to. i was ready to endure the consequences. it disturbs me, all of this.
what i would really like to do now is staple my wrist to the desk. i hear someone working on drilling something into a wall. i'm imagining what it would look like to run the drill through my arm into the desk. i hear an instructor talking about blood spill procedures. the irony, right?
 
 
 
 

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[116] Too Far Gone (97)
Spring Break officially started a few days ago.
And guess what? Today one of my best friends in the entire world Ashe is coming to visit. FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK! AHHH.
:D
 
Total happiness time. ^.^ 
AHH AND SHE WALKED IN! 

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167. (243)
I'd like to think that I am fairly good at respecting most people's opinions regarding many things, but lately...political opinions have been getting me fired up. I never discuss my opinions with others, so I end up walking in circle around my house...flailing my arms...and ranting about my opinions out loud.
Im sorry, but I cannot believe there are people out there that even think that TRUMP would be a good president. I cannot believe that people are not seeing how much hate he is spewing and how much he will fuck up everything. My heart hurts for all the minorities that are in fear for if he becomes president. White people, including myself, WILL NEVER understand what minorities have had to go through and the fact that people want to elect a leader that outrightly spews racist and prejudice ideas and opinions..disgusts me.
 
What is going on with this world...? :(
 
 

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1339 (133)
I can't stop singing Little Einsteins theme song since I booked plane tickets across the ocean. 
Don't ask me why I know Little Einsteins theme song....
"We are going on a trip!
In our favorite rocket ship!!!
Zooming through the sky!
.....little einsteins....
Climb aboard, getting ready to explore
There's so much to find 
.....little einsteins....
We are going on a mission!
Start the count down 5-4-3-2-1
Everyone to rocket, rev it up now"
 

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1337 (89)
This day a year ago I made the decision to put my dog down.
 
I miss you Max.
 
But with plans to do things on my bucket list this year...
for the first time since you left me...
I think I feel truly happy. 
 

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Untitled (174)
A therapist told me to write down what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'm incredibly numb. The truth is I'm absolutely paralized by fear. I can't seam to do anything at all. And all I want to do is fling myself from somewhere everyone can see me. Have everyone either catch me, or be forced to recon with the idea that their inaction lead to my pain. I want to be caugh, to be rescued. 
 
But the truth is that the only person to rescue me will be myself.
 
And I just can't seam to.
 
I spend most days wishing I could just lift the giant imperceptible blanket of worry that has me so very stuck and DO ANYTHING. I usually succceed for about an hour of the twelve I spend trying. But I never do any of the things that are supposed to make my life better in my own head. The story I write for myself is that even if I do them their wont be any one who recieves me. No one will buy my art. No one will watch a video with me in it. It's not that no one cares. Its that I feel so very invisible. Like no one can see me.
 
So why bother trying to mime? Why jump and rant and make a fuss? Why work, when it wont make a difference anyway?

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[115] Bruised and Battle Scarred (87)
I don't know why I still care.
I truly don't. 
 
But I need to stop. It's irrelevant now.

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[114] Will Fade (79)
Yeah, another long time between updates. Hell, at this rate I'll be happy if I manage to do an update once a month...sorry. :P
So I've been working three/four days at the job with slightly extended hours. I've been making more money than I've ever made in my life just working those minimal hours so I can't complain (too much)
The only thing that really bothers me about the place is that the clients are really annoying - like seriously annoying. Some are rude, some overstep boundaries, and others are just so damn ignorant I wonder how they can function properly.
Aside from that, everything is fine on that front.
---
My Xena collection has been progressing really nicely - oh I didn't mention that, but yeah, I've started a Xena Warrior Princess memorabilia collection last month! I have almost over 70 items. So yeah. The new job money is helping with that...it's nice to have extra! Finally.
I have a bunch of friends from online coming to visit me in a few days...so the next two days will be spent scrambling and getting ready. The OCD/Anxietic in me needs everything to be absolutely perfect before they come here. I don't want them thinking poorly of me or anything...though I know deep down they won't because they care about me a lot.
That's new. Friends who actually care.
Oh, and my aunt had the baby! He's so adorable and so tiny. She took pictures of me and him today when I went over there for a haircut. I didn't initially like the way she cut it (I told her whatever) but I'm feeling it now. It's sort of a psuedo faux hawk type of thing. Whatever that means. :P
The only other thing I can say is that I'm really pushing to get my GED/Diploma soon. I want to go to college in the fall and I'm pressed for time. 

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Untitled (116)
I finished the Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
 
I tryed to stop thinking.
 
I found some other inspiration to get up off my ass and do something.
 
And I feel the pull to fly. But I can't seam to find the wings I used to soar. Like Icarus didn't die. He just fell to earth and only had a love of the air. Crippled by some imperseptible homesicknesses that he didn't know how to cure.
 
I wish I knew what flying was for me.
 
I wish I could just find home.
 
Writing feels good. But it also feels incomplete. Its a sort of different kind of numb. I wish I could spend all day in a different kind of numb until someone thought my numb was beautiful and hung me out where all the world could see. I wish I could connect with everyone. I could stop and say I feel everything you feel. I'm so in pain, and so in love, and loss, and beauty. I wish I could just find a way to sit and say that. But I think the only time I ever hear that is when I'm stairing at a blank canvas. (that would be my modern art). Its not the the canvas has anything to say. Its that the canvas is listening. And perhaps thats the most beautiful thing in the world.

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Breathless (730)
Before I would think.. if our divorce is inevitable  then I want it to happen as  soon as possible. Now it's not "if", it's "when".. and waiting is just excruciating.  I know it's coming. It's like watching a bullet in slow motion. Just hit me. Let me bleed out. And then be reborn and move on. But as it is, I'm just trying and failing over and over. Subtly and silently but failing all the same. Right now it doesn't feel real. But there are moments when everything hits me all at once and I have this haunting feeling.. like I'm floating and completely out of control.. like I'm not me.. like I'm not real. Idk how to explain it. It's not that easy and I've never been smart enough to explain such complex feelings. And this is unlike anything I've ever known.
 
Sometimes, it's okay. We both met other people. And it was so unexpected But a friendship turned into max and i. And it's not just someone. Inot so many ways I've never felt like this. It's not perfect, there's problems we've had to experience, inevitable due to our circumstances and unnecessary due to well.. the effect of those circumstances I suppose. It's affected us both in different ways and thats caused us to act ways we normally wouldnt. And we've had to find ways to cope with that in ourselves and in each other. It was hard. But we'recloser than ever... our communication is a lot better. And we both are crazy about each other.  He makes me feel beautiful and needed. He is passionate. Talkative. Sexy. Smart. Funny. Unique. 
 
But sometimes. I feel so.. married. Even though we've been separated over a year.in some ways over a year and a half. That's so long. And throughout a lot of that time, especiallyat the end, I felt very single. It's hard to know what to do when I feel like that. Do i speed up or slow down.. not my relationship with max.. but my divorce. Is that even a question really?  It's happening. 
 
 
Tim says to just keep moving forward. That's what he's doing anyways. And I will too. Sometimes it just feels strange. Like I'm not me. Like this is all happening to someone else in some alternate universe and real me is off in reality where things make sense. 
 
But just because things don't make sense doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I am so completely heart broken over my divorce and how things happened. Disappointed beyond words at myself. So many things . But I also feel guilty. For also being happy. For meeting max and falling in love. For feeling this way. 
 
 

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1336 (152)
Why, you may ask, would a single adult like myself want to go on a vacation with my parents?
Because I can.
Because both my parents are still alive and healthy enough to travel.
My best friend would give anything to have her father back.  To be able to do -anything- with him, just to have a little time with him again.  
Because my dad lived there in the 70's for two years and wanted to go back and visit.
Because I want these memories.
Because when they leave me either by their own mind failing or physically, I can still have these memories. 
Because my parents stuck it out together all these years, they didn't ditch us kids, didn't choose another lover, drugs or money over us, thus allowing us to have this oppotunity together.
Because they chose me.
And I choose them.
Because I love them. 
 

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moving on (91)
this week i was asked to apply for a job; my bf's friend that had met me several months ago remembered me. it all happened so fast. tomorrow i'm going to call my supervisor and let her know, monday i'll let everyone else know it's my last day. i did feel welcomed for a bit, it's not worth it. i don't want to be under someone like that; i'm not a tool. when i'm ready i'll share more haha. i learned so much at this last job; kids are so bright and sensitive-genuine and if you give them the respect you would give adults(appreciate their differences and work with their temperament) they're fantastic to work with. the adults ahaha man, all i can say is look out for #1, you. that's what they're all doing. i'm actually sleepy. night.

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Untitled (163)
Im not supposed to be.. things are supposed to be terrible and hard and complicated and miserable.. and in many ways they are.. but right now in this moment.. aftet a night like this and every moment when he looks at me the way he does... I'm happy. So happy.
 
I look at him and know we're meant to be together. That everything I've done before now had to be to bring me to this place. A place of uncomprehensible joy. 
 
I look at him and know how lucky I am. He doesn't know what he does to me. He doesn't understand how much he means to me. He doesn't get how much I love him. In such a short time. Not really that short. We were friends first. We've been good friends. Best friends. In love. We've been through so much already but I know we can get through anything... because we both refuse to give up on.each other. We both want to try. 
 
I could say a lot. But I'm sort of sleepy and I'd rather cuddle with him.right now. I just had to say it.
 
 

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[113] Starts to Snow (103)
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Life hasn't been too kind!
I've been working a lot more at my job and they're trying to extend my hours...which I'm on the fence about. On the one hand, more money is awesome but on the other, I like sleep and free time. It's a hard decision. Anthony's job situation isn't going too well so I may need to take on more hours if he doesn't find something else soon...i donno.
My aunt's baby shower was last weekend. It was pretty awesome aside from some family drama from her daughter's friend - tl;dr: accusing a guy of rape because he flirted with you is stupid and bad, m'kay?
I'm so excited for my new cousin to be born already. I can't wait to babysit, play with him, feed him, ahhhhh! all of it. I love babies. They're so cute and I just love being around them. They make me so happy.
My first paycheck was pretty nice. Plus our yearly money came in so I'm spending tonight browsing Amazon to buy new shiny things. Yeah, first world problems blah. 

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