and he is the realist. i never thought it could be over, he knew from the begining. im not handling this well. its been only a month.

Today I feel about a centimeter tall. Its a little less than the normal inch. Insignificant, I am, alienated, I am, lonely, I am not. I want to go home. I want to hide from these things, but it will only make me like the rest of the people who shelter themselves into living eternally in ventura. No thanks. Im not so sure what to do. I want a smoke.

today is a good one.

Yesterday was a most interesting day, in a not so great way. It turned out alright, actually great. I felt every emotion surging through my system at maximum potency. And no, I am not menstruating. For a long time now I have had a grudge against the human race. They are always out for themselves, angry self centered manipulative judgmental little creatures. However I believe the reason I felt so strongly against them is because I too am one of them. Although it may seem silly the past few months I have gone through life being judgmental myself, and letting lead to anger. I think everyone’s motives are corrupt and untrue. I am quick to judge on a lack of intellect. However I still don't think I’m wrong but not everyone is a narrow-minded ignorant shit. Perhaps by judging others so quickly I too could consider myself an ignorant shit? Yes. I used to believe that each individual was a blank canvas until they could paint themselves in front of me. That was until I realized that a lot of people feign personableness. Many are untrue, and self-motivated. I have been hurt by openly trusting people and have forced myself to the polar end of the spectrum. Now I realize, I base my judgments off of character, and yes I do still disapprove of narrow-minded imbeciles with no collective consciousness, but it doesn’t make me an ignorant shit, it makes me a human being who thinks too much and thinks those who simply come to a conclusion with no REASONABLE thought behind it don’t think enough. Either not all of us have the ability to hypothetically place ourselves in another’s shoes, or not all of us care enough to take the time to do so, which is bullshit because they somehow find the time to bitch about it instead. My conclusion though is the difference between then and now is not how I perceive people but that I have accepted we are all different and I can take non of it to heart, whether it is because I know it’s not well thought out, or because I know it’s silly to over think a statement made by another individual. I truthfully am an over thinker. I just wrote all this, and still didn’t get half of what I wanted out. But the reason for this tangent is that now I have peace with my thoughts. Is it stupid to explain it all as a difference in human thought? No, I don’t believe so, because each of us is brought up differently, we each go through different experience, OR lack there of, which leads o how we deal with it, or learn to, or not at all. And it shapes us all. I find it funny that I analyze every fucking matter of life. Now that I’m not nearly as preoccupied with stressing myself out over why people are so mean and stupid I can concentrate on myself. Life is certainly too short to depress myself. I believe myself to be a good intentioned person. And I do pride myself on excessive thought; it makes me a more understanding person, and not a brain dead moron. I like who I am, and what I do not like, I try to change. I want to be a kinder soul; I need more patience with people. That is something I must work on, it’s just that everything I know about people makes it harder for me to treat them with patience and kindness. But if I want to improve upon who I am and not be a hypocrite I need to learn how to do so. I think it will make me a happier person. However I am not saying I will be fake, just more tolerant. Whatever the case I need to make myself happier. But because I am an intricate thinker I cry longer, sense anger and fairness with potency, and laugh harder then anyone and experience the utmost joys in life. If I was a shallow girl from the hills my biggest problem would be that Heidi was at the same club as me, and my smiles would be due to feathered clothing. It’s true: Ignorance is bliss. But I think I’d choose my deepest sorrows if it meant feeling the vast joy that I have.

I study, I think, I love, I live. I am smart. I have a lot going for me, but I feel like i am absent. I am buried away into my own self giving nothing out, and letting few in. My personality is just hiding away in my brain, i know its there but im not willing to let it out. why? well, nobody cares, everyones out for themselves and who am I to get in the way with a silly detail. I know who I am. I'm an over thinker, a passionate human being with the love of philosophy and a very open mind. but i am not saying that I'm all pleasant and blissful, Because I'm not. I'm witty and I hate two kinds of people in this world. Stupid people who have no interest in thinking before they speak, and narrowminded people who chose not to break past what mommy and daddy told them is right. These two kinds of people often have the same other qualities of being loud and obnoxious as well. Or at least thats how i suppose I've noted them. All and all i say i mainly relate to one character from Dostoevsky's notes from the underground. And this makes me an intricate form of simple human with no grounds to do anything. Im a ball of anxiety. I relate to none of my peers and i can't bring myself to try. I have two friends, my mother, and my boyfriend.