I'm getting there. Finally happy. Still living. it'll be ok. i'm sure of it.

no I don't know what to think, how to think. Don't tell me that this over, that we're over. I can't handle it. I won't listen. You need to take me into your arms and not let go. Remind me that you love me, need me. Remind me that I need you, love you. no.

I hate you like I love you. Can't seem to control how I feel these days. Been holding tight to the past, much too long. I wonder if he's gay? He's always looking for guys. I'm not interested, exactly, I'm in love remember? Love? What is that, compared to anything that I know? Is it worth my time, my energy, my anything? Do I have the "proper" defination? Willing to give it all away? Probably not. Yet, I can't help but think that perhaps I should. After all, I wouldn't know what I had until I lose it. Like a bad game of hide and seek. I'm going to mess things up again, I think. Not because I want to, but simply because that's what will happen. It's negativity, yes, dear, I know. I played in a fountain today. Played on the swingset at 2 in the morning. they say rapists belong there. I laughed, I didn't care, I didn't want to care. I feel invincible. I'm going to crash and fall. Fall out of this mess and into something bigger. bigger and bolder and not what I need at this point in time. Kiss me.

Tell me. Do you take pride in watching my heart crack? one day- it will break.

I feel like a golden princess, a princess, a princess. I'll be your something, one day, I'm sure. Oh, dear.

I touch. tough. I am. am, am, am, am- something else today. something new. Touch me.

I'm sore. does the truth hurt that much?

I've been avoiding you. I don't want to see your face, that smile, that laughter, those eyes. I don't have any reason to. I just can't handle the fact that eventually, I'm going to loose you.

Numbing. Everything about you. It has simplicity in it though. I find it utterly romantic. you tear me both ways.

I give myself to you, like a flower for the picking. Allow me to pretend that you love flowers. Allow me to pretend you don't have allergies. I sit. And die. In this vase, you only touch with your eyes. Talk to me, feed me with your words. Our love is sand in an hourglass.

Anger, such passive lies. Which of us is black, which is white? Multiracial- I think not, we're the same skin. Yet, tell me- please- who is living in the light, and who is holding on to the past? Accuse me of violence, and other unimaginables. I'll always forgive you.

I wish you'd take me by the hand and lead me to a cliff, and just push. I am so dissatisified with almost everything. I can't breathe anymore. I'm more than happy that I am almost done with highschool. It makes me too melodramatic. We're dreamers, lovers, everything.

I force myself to play this game. I wonder if it means anything to him, or if he'd be void if I just up and walked away. we say that things will be ok, in the end. we tell ourselves all sorts of lies. and how the hell is college going to work out?

I feel isolated from the people that I call my friends. The hatred and need for revenge and anger sickens me. The impurity and the cruelity of their actions... well, candidly it's disgusting. I hate it, and I don't want to talk to any of them. Not even my best friend.

I'm either a failure or a mislead dreamer. I've yet to decide. I kissed a stranger to my heart. I lost the only one I want to love. and he doesn't know what he wants.

There isn't a place in this world where I am myself. I wish I could wake up one morning and be aware that this is who I am, and this is who I need to stay in order to be happy. Convincing others that I am somebody else isn't going to get me far.