This will be quick because I have less than three minutes on a timed internet provider. I miss you. I wish that I could fly home today and comfort you in some way or another. I wish that you would write me back. I wrote you again and still nothing, it was even longer this time. I wish I could know you're okay. I wish so so many things right now. I just want you to happy, I want you. I miss you. I'll only be gone four more days, I hope they pass quickly. Please let me know you're okay.

So life is wonderful right now!!! Granted I just got my tonsils out yesterday and the pain medication is supposedly supposed to cause euphoria, but seriously, my life rocks right now! I have the most AMAZING boyfriend in the world! Who simply couldn't be sweeter, more there for me, or more wonderful! I have this wonderful business in my life that gives me such great opportunities! I simple have huge dreams now and they are taking off! I love life right now!

He's right. I keep trying to force a decision, and I shouldn't. I think I'm making things easier, but I'm not, things become more and more difficult because of me. He makes things simple, easy, flowing. He'd be so much better off without me. I'm up on a pedestal, and I don't belong there. There's all this pressure and weight on me to be perfect, to be a savior. But I'm not a savior, I'm just someone who cares deeply for him. I just can't take the pressure. My dreams and thoughts conflict. He and I conflict. I miss simplicity. I'm going to try to let it lie, to flow like water, like him. I want so much to be like him.

I need to be ready. I have always known that I'm not ready to be grown up, to make a commitment, to be vulnerable, open, and honest. But perhaps it's the belief that I'm not ready that makes me not ready. So I'm changing my perception. I need to be ready, I am ready.