I'm currently at the fair and life has changed dramatically over the last year. I spent a few months in Ohio; which was a good thing- or so I thought.

A friend I had made many years ago, before Kyle even, requested to come visit since I had this new found freedom. I accepted and flew up late January. It was going well- I had someone to hang out with, someone to socialize with, and someone to sleep with at night.

The downside was that I didn't want to be with him. And I believe he was aware of that as much as I was. I started progressing away from him because; despite the feeling, he tried to progress as a relationship and I didn't want to awkwardly have to deal with that conflict.. He also had an issue with his whole family to whom we were staying with.. And despite all those problems- I accepted to stay. I stayed because how I hated Florida, and how I hated that guys were capable of running my life.. Unfortunately that hasn't changed- but we haven't caught up.

I ended up getting a job at Walmart, as a cashier in Hamilton, Ohio. It wasn't that bad of a job- I would bike to work using michael's brother's old bicycle. I bought it for fifty dollars- and it was worth it.. I just loathed biking up there. The cold weather made my asthma act up rediculously.

Drama at their house; however, got far too difficult and I refused to stay after a few months.. I then moved in with a bull dyke lesbian named Ashley- a girl who had so much self difficulty it because a neusance to come home most days. While there- I attempted to reach out for a relationship yet again. To no avail it appeared that people there were focused on the exact same issues I once had in Florida. I regretted leaving at all. It made me highly depressed at times- and at one point, let a guy shove me into such a low form of depression that self inflicted harm and suicide were the only thing that ever crossed my mind.. I will; however, admit that it was the fastest week to ever blow by. I was so caught up in my lack of self worth that I didn't pay attention to time.

Eventually I couldn't stand living with Ashley anymore- her issues were worse than my own. It made me so uncomfortable being around her drug abuse and asshole attitude that I seemed shelter in the only place that made me feel at home at all, my friend Bethany's place. I resided on her couch for two months prior to my departure to Florida in August, which is back at the beginning.

The only update to my life is that I now have a job and a lot of memories of Ohio that I wish I would forget. The people are still the same- especially Travis. I also lack any form of self confidence that I attempted to maintain.. Guys are quick to inform me they want to fuck me- but good luck attempting to receive a relationship that feels worth it.

Self mutilation has also increased to a weekly regime. I guess it works far more against me than for me.. Sure the pain and visual of it helps release the negativity I feel- but it also removes a chance for me to strip I front of another guy.

I don't understand what is worse- that I am self aware that I am a piece of shit for being so selfish, or that I can't get over it..

Anyway- I guess the purpose of my post is to let you know I'm still alive, there's nothing physically wrong with me, and that I am in dire need of you once again sitdiary.