Dear Person Who I Love and Confide In, You do not exist for me. So, I write this as if you do. I miss you, and I’ve been thinking that life is not worth living with you. I’ve been depressed for some number of years now without you. I wasn’t before. I had something before that I don’t have now. I’m not sure what it is now that I’m missing, but I think it might be some sort of love or acceptance of myself. I was young, I didn’t know how to think and really ponder about things. I just had a mind that shot an arrow at the weak point to figure things out. Most shot at the impenetrable armor. I didn’t know how to really think about things. I didn’t understand things. When my mind began to “blossom” that is when I started being depressed. I started thinking about the way I had been acting, and the effects that it had on people, possible effects and actual effects from memory. I started over thinking too much, now I can’t stop. I miss you. I don’t know if I even know who you are. I write … the way I am feeling… is if, I’m writing to a girl who I loved once. That was a mess that really fucked me up. The shitty thing, nobody knows it. Nobody knows it. No one knows how much it really messed me up and how it continues to mess me up to this day, even though the last time I spoke with her was… probably almost 2 years ago. The last time I talked to her, I had gotten the feeling that just the night before she had slept with someone. It showed me where I wasn’t. It hurts to this day I don’t know why. I want you to listen to me. My words are a lot like code, there is a bunch of gibberish, stuff that doesn’t really even pertain but it has meaning. Stuff that doesn’t exactly fit, but it does have some substance. My, my my. I love you. I want to share my story with you. I want someone to share this life with. I want a woman. I denied it for a long time, hiding before like a sheet curtain of spirituality. I can’t hide anymore. It is too painful to admit that I want to be loved. I feel, like there is so much that needs to happen before I can love. But, it keeps me from feeling there is a need to love in the first place. I often times feel that I am alone and that I’m on this journey… I miss God. I would talk to you Lord, if I felt that I was worthy of talking to You. Instead, I just talk to myself. You are myself. I don’t know it. I’m in this ignorant state and have been for so long. I don’t want to be depressed all the time. I want to be joyful. I want to uplift people. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!! I need someone to share this with. I’ve no friends to hang out with. I feel like I’ve become weird from not really hanging out with anybody for more than a year. I’ve more or less been on my own, socially. I live at home with my parents, but our lives are more or less separate. I live alone. I find though, sometimes when I am with a group of people, I feel normal and it is so great. It feels, wonderful. To be with people and not worrying about what people are thinking, but just being free, expression. That is all, just expressing one’s self without hinderance. I want to be free. After a lot of thinking lately, I’ve decided that my mission, if I choose to accept it, bwhahahaha, just kidding. My mission, more or less, is to become a person. For years now I have felt that I am not a person. That I am not an equal to everyone else out there. I’ve felt that I am worthless and should not even be alive. That I don’t deserve life and that I should just not even exist, why do I exist? I don’t think I should. People tell me that they like me? I don’t even remember the last time… yeah I do. It was people from a guild I was in. It sucks. Even then, they told me they liked me, I believe it, but they don’t understand how difficult it was for me to open up and at least try to be ‘free’. It hurt a lot, but it was also good. I learned that it is not so bad opening up and sometimes, you will make an ass of yourself, especially me I’m like the freaking king loser ass hat wearer. I’m so lame it is ridiculous. I hate myself. I don’t know how to love myself. I can’t even comprehend, it is like… love… myself? WTF! I don’t understand. I decided that I need to take a break from World of Warcarft. One of my co-workers said, “You eat so healthy! You should stop doing other unhealthy things! *hint* you shouldn’t play World of Warcraft.” He didn’t say it like that, I’m not that good at explaining past events. I’m not good at it. So, more or less, I took that and I said ok. In my head of course, I don’t normally say things…. BLEH> I think I’m a waste of space. A lot of this stuff I say, on the side, more or less, really is just a cry for help. I want some attention and I want it now! I want people to recognize my existence and I want to be an equal to everyone. Women. Bleh. Wtf. Seriously. I want to be confident in my skillz with the women. Fuck shit damn FUCKING ASDKJASLDKJALSKDJ. Seriously. I hate being treated like I’m a littke kid or a fucking lesser person cuz simply, I’m not like a freaking super PIMP> FUCKASDING SERIOUSLY FUCK THAT FUCKING SHIT!! I’m tired of people, freakin, like shit man. Women are programmed in such a way, that if you are not a ‘man,’ if you don’t love yourself and feel good about yourself, they’ll ignore you or treat you as a lesser person like you’re a child or some shit. Then GUESS FUCKING WHAT! YOU FEEL EVEN SHITTIER THAN YOU FUCKING FELT BEFORE>… It is fine though when I’m “in the zone” and I’m doing “good” (How the hell if I know if I’m doing good with the ladies? What kind of experience do I have? I just know I feel good sometimes) that I don’t feel this way at all. Women. Psssh, are you for real? You worry about that kinda shit? My problem. I don’t get enough exposure like this to feel as though I am competent all the time. It is rare, like once or twice a week. More or less around there. And it lasts for as long as the situation lasts, bleh, maybe like 2 minutes to like 35 minutes or so? That’s like, hey, I love myself for about 1 hour a week. Hell yeah man! I want girls to practice with. So, I’m just going to get out there and like, just start asking girls out. I’m going to make an ass of myself. People will be like, wtf? Is this guy serious? I DON’T GIVE A FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT YOU DOUNTALSKJDLASKDJALKSDJ Seriously. It pisses me off. Who the fuck understands this shit? Who the fuck knows this kind of fucking damn shit wtf pain? Seriously, WHO!? There are people who do, and for you people out there who do. I bow to you. I understand. Life, is inevitable suffering. That is all. Ever-new suffering. This damn place. Fuck this place. You’ll never really be happy. But, it is worth trying. I tell you, it is at least worth trying, because if you aren’t trying, then shit man, what you got? You got suffering. If you try, and find out, whoops damn, my happiness cannot be confided in this specific thing, oh well, you still suffer. Might as well try. Fulfill your desires and get done with this shit forever so you don’t have to continually suffer. I’m going to just start asking girls hey, you want to get some tea? I don’t freaking give a shit, its tea man. I like tea. Its short, hey, if I’m an ass. Hopefully I don’t drag it on continually only to find out.. doh man, I’ve been making an ass of myself for the past what, (looks at watch), 25 minutes now damn. Time to go slit my wrists shit man, kill myself. Fuck this world. Seriously. =p I make jokes about my depression. Its sick I know. Fuck this shit. Lol. I want people to relate to. I want people to talk to. I want friends. I want a woman, or like someone to fuck. You know, someone to fuck. That’d be tight. Its like hey, you know, lets fuck real quick. Ya know, just like, yeah. You know. HELL EAH!!! BITCHES!!!!! I JUST GOT LAID WOOOOOOO!!!! I’ve never had the feeling before. I wanted it once, but noooo, nick doesn’t know how to work it with the ladies. I don’t know what to fucking do. How the shit fuck damn cock penis vagina fucking bitch damn wtf is this shit am I supposed to know what to fucking do man? Yeah. I’m a pretty funny guy, as you can tell from this entry. Yeah, I’m freaking hilarious people love me. No, I’m serious. I’m freaking funny as hell. The problem is, a lot of the times, people take me as if I’m joking, when I’m really serious. Yeah. Me, as a person, I am like a character of funniess. Like, Ha Ha! Look at him. He is just funny looking. Ooo hes soo cute! Mmmm ima take a picture and amsturbate to it later. That’s right. Masturbate to it late. Not now, but later. You know, when nobody is around. Don’t let him know that I obsess about him.. oooo hes so dreamy, I must keep my loving secrets. Mmmmm, im a woman and I dontknow what I want hahahahahaha. Im so dumb. It fucking sucks my balls and like a camels balls at the same time, That! This is it. It fucking sucks that people like me and I don’t even know it. I need people to tell me this shit. You have to fucking tell me or less I’m going to fucking kill myself. Seriously. I don’t have any friends, for someone to tell me they like me means a huge freaking deal to me. I want friends. But, there is a problem. FUCK YOU! Yeah, that is probably the problem. I was just thinking, if someone was reading this, and then they were like, FUCK THIS GUY HES A FUCKING BITCH GROW SOME EXTRA 2IN HAIR ON YOUR BALLS YOU FAGGOT HA HA HA HA HA HA. God. I need some help explaining the funny scenarios that go on in this damn empty skull of mine. Nah, there is brains I’m quite intellectual. Fuck intellictualism. This shit sucks. I hate people. I want people, but I hate them. One reason. You can’t really depend on them. People can’t be depended upon. What is a guy like me supposed to do. You want something, but at the same time you don’t want it. I want to make friends, problem: friends make problems. So its like. I can have the problems of friends, or I can have the problems of not having friends. I’ve chosen the latter for many years now mostly because it is a cop out and copping out is pretty easy. Yeah, I’m pretty gay. THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT I SAID IT> I’m PRETTY FUCKING GAY. I’d play for both teams. Yeah, I’d probably take a dick to the ass. That is fucking right. EEWWWWW HES GAY OMG WHAT AHOMOSEXUALY! I have to be aggressive because you know, im like the closet gay who is mad at the world for being gay. Problem: I want women. WTF ARE YOU SEIROUS. HE IS GAY HOMEOSUEXLAYS< WHO WANTS WOMENS> WTF> THIS IS NOT REAL> WTF> GAY PERSON…. BUTTSEKS>>>> VAGINA SEKX>>!!?!?!?! It is an area that I ahven’t really explored, but after I explore this women thing, if it turns out that I get competent at it, and I’m like wtf is this shit. Fuck vaginas, I want assholes, man assholes, then ill get myself some man asshole. Simple as that. Aight, so enough about man assholes. Hell yeah. So how the hell am I suppoed to get close to a woman again? After reading this, how the hell am I supposed ot get to where I want to go? Because of all of this shit, couldn’t I more or less just be classified as like a sicko weirdo rapist type? You know. I’ve a lot of anger in me at the world and people in general and what people represent to me. I’ve suffered. That is about it. Am I still worthy of people? Of being in a loving relationship? Can I handle it? I don’t know, that is why I am sad. Because I don’t think I will be able to handle the stuff that I want, I’m doomed to inevitably suffer for the rest of my days. So be it. May God have mercy on my soul that when I die, I forget all this shit and just fucking die already seriously. I think some guys are hot. Honestly, Some guy are hot. Its simple. They are hot. Deep artistic guys are pretty hot. Guys with tight pants are just asking to be looked at. Srsly. They are just asking to be looked at. You know, their package in their fucking pants its like shit man, how do you expect me not to notice that bulge in your pants. It is like right fucking there for the whoel damn world to see. The women go nuts over that kinda shit. I’m just like wow dude, nice package. Woman are like. WOMGOMASDLKASJDL!!!! WOWOWWOWOWOWOWOOWWOOWWOWOOOMGZGZZ!!!!! PENISESESESESESESESESEEESS!!!! It almost looked like I was writing Jesus there for a second. They get all hot and wet and stuff and they are like mmm mmm IC ANT FUCKING CONTAINS MY SEXUALNESSS AHAHAHAWHWAHWEHRARRAHHHHHHHH!!! And they just go crazy and squirt female juices across the rooma dns hit likt nonstop, a continuous stream of cum shooting from their vaginas like freaking putting a hole in the wall from the constant stream shootinga tlike 60mph. I get jealous. Well, get jealous sometimes, of female orgasms. Its like shit man, I cant cum like that. I download porn every once in a while, and im lucky if I get to watch like 30 seconds of a good porno movie. After that its over. Fucking woman man, they are insane they are cum all night long and not get tired of it. Like, they can masturbate and like it takes them a little bit to get off, not that long for some women, but you know they can just keep on cumming and cuming and goin man. I cum once, its over. That’s all. Its over. I don’t see this shit as porn anymore. It is just two people or sometimes one person just doing their thing. Im not even sextually aroused anymore, its just plain straight over after that. Women, its never over man. They just keep going and going and they never have to take a break or stop, they can cum forever. I get like mmm. No satisisfaction. Its just like fuck amn im honry as shit show me some pussy squirt. So I go, get the shit, watch about 15-20 seconds, it happens, then im like fuck, these are just freaking people for God’s sake, they are frkeaing people that’s it. That is what I was making a freaking fuss over? PEOPLE!?! I don’t see it as arousing or anything, after I cum, its over man. That’s all. Women, its not over and until ITS OVER! HAHAHAHAHHA IM SO FUCKING CHILDNISH> Hey though, if I get women though, I don’t think ill honest care about this whole thing. I wont care because ill be happy with what I got you know. I wont be like man, give me a vagina for like a weeek or something ya know. Ill evetnaulyl stop being so hung up on this sex thing. Yeah I make typos and shiz. I don’t give a fuckz. Salsdkjfalskjdf yeah. I enver at any time really understood her. She was always so much better than me in every way. She was real and open. She loved herself. She was able to play with people. It sucks man. The woman that I loved, I was not able to share myself with her in the way that she was able to share herself to other people. She was confident. She didn’t care. She was strong. I was weak. I hated myself. I still don’t really have self love. I wish that I could have shared myself with you. I wish that I could share myself with someone… the only person in the world, that knows me and understands me is a therapist that I see every other week. I was thinking about it … and it is really a send from God that I even have one person who understands me and will listen and help me to figure things out, even if I only get to see him once every other week. She was open sexually. She was just like, where I want/ed to be in life you know. She was open. I miss her. Woooo my god though, its long time over. I get scared shitless when I see a car that resembles her, even more so if it is her car!! AHHHH!!!! SHIT MAN FUCK SHIT MAN SHIT REAKING SHIT FUCK!! I’ll most likely never see her up closer or talk to her ever again. I wouldn’t want to. It would be the same old same old. I’d still glorify her and I’d still hate myself and nothing would have changed. That is why I ended. I don’t know if I’ve really ever moved on from this. We never had sex. We kissed, and we layed with each other. Iw as like shit man I don’t know what to do but I think she wanted to do something like this so lets just like lay together. Yeah, ladies, I’[m a freakin romantic. Call me. Yeah, you call me. I don’t’ cal you, you call me ;) She was able to straight pwn people and not care. Ive been hesitant to pwn people. I have her virtual diary thing open behind this word document. It is the first time looking at it im probably 4 or 5 months, maybe even longer hell yeah a lot logner, its been at least like 6 or 7 months since I last even looked at it. Same old feelings of insecurities and not feeling competent. I still glorify her in my mind. Because she is so freaking good. She is like pure. Oooo shit son, I almost copied something from her page to put it in here.. to show you what I mean. But… THEN OMG WTF WHAT IF SOMEONE READS THIS AND IS LIKE SHIT I KNOW WHO WROTE THAT. LEMME PHOEN HER. OK RING RING. YO SHIT MAN YOU DWONT BELIVE THIS SHIT SOMEONE REFERENCED YOU ON THE INTERNET WITHOUT FIRST ASKING PERMISSIOns. WTF SHIT R U SRS< SUE THIS BITCH. Lol. I have to try and make myself laugh shit. I don’t have anything else. Besides sorrow. Yeah, /emo. Lol. Fuck life. LOLL!!!!! LOLERSKATEs!! Yeah. I can’t wait til I love myself man shit, hell yeah. Like that is ever going to happen fuck. She was able to hurt people and not care. You know, honor her own truth and not look back. I’m making it sound worse than it is. Fuck man, I just wish that I could be like her you know. Yeah, ultimate loser talk, wanting to be like this girl whom you idolized and loved. She loved me. Btu im like lolz gone forever. Die why am I not dead yet.. One day, God, I want to be like her. I want to be like her. I will love myself. I will get through shit. God. My heart is private yet I remain open to you best I can, keep you in mind and heart always. Bless me. Be with my always. Teach me to see you in others. Help me to know the truth. Help me know, that Thou and I are One. Help me to see how things really are. Help me to know you as you are. MySelf, my Love, SHOW THYSELF TO ME! ;) Love, Nick.