New year new me? So far this year has been interesting to say the least. I quit my job at Telelanguage. I spent 4.5 years there. It was toxic and stressful and shady. I start my new job at CTS on Monday. The energy there is so much better and I'm so excited. I've cleared a few friends out of my life, keep those who care and I mesh well with. Every so often it's nice. I haven't spoken to Jeni in a year and that's for the best to be honest.I've been eating better and working out - I have a gym membership and go on the regular now. I feel cuter in my work out clothes with no makeup than I do with makeup most days (helps that they're comfy and cute I'm sure). I'm also about to complete my first quarter of college (6 years later than I should have tbh). My grades are great (for the first time in forever), and I've decided I'm going in for Behavioral Science / Criminal Profiling / ETC. It's what I was doing at Fort and after thinking hard on things, it's what I want from life. I'm excited to see where this takes me. Things are going well. And I'm so beyond happy.

seans surgery is today. 9 years old and he's having open heart surgery. I'm stressed and I'm tired. I'm ready for this to be over.

"my screw up" will forever be my most and least favorite scrubs episode. it's perfect but it perfectly tears me to little sobbing bits in a pile of blankets. where do you think we are?

after four days of laying in bed begrudgingly due to a "severe" cold, I'm finally feeling okay enough to roll out from under the blankets also, can I just say that tylenol cold & flu ain't got SHIT on Nyquil. Nyquil fo' life. And I guess Dayquil. I'm supposed to be throwing a party tonight but eh.

haunt season is officially underway. trying to fix our instagram and get some stuff together for marketing. I just want some more coffee to be perfectly honest. the news is coming out to shoot a spot on us. you know, at 4:30 in the god damn morning.

listening to staind takes me back to that place. woken up to my mom listening to staind in the living room on the surround sound. I'm not crying, you're crying.

god garrett was a manipulative little shit. reading old private messages and laughing about how fucked up the teenage years were.

it's been a weird few months. my uncle passed away on friday. he practically raised me. I should have been there. but I wasn't. I'm moving back to Las Vegas this January. I can't take the rain anymore. I can't take this unending bullshit with my stepdad's family up here. I'm tired of being too far away to be there for the people I care about. This means giving up the Haunt. Giving up my ducklings. Giving up some friends. I'm going to have to start over. And it's fucking terrifying. But I think I can do it. I need a change. Nostalgia keeps kicking me in the ass. I'll listen to music on the trains and think of a tiny girl drifting cars in the Chicago streets. Funny how that happens.

As I was going through old things, I stumbled up on a box in my closet filled to the brim with handwritten stories and profiles and URLs and on top of them was my ipod from high school. On this ipod there is a playlist titled "Shadow Clan" filled with 184 songs that make my stomach do small flips. I like that I've reached a point in my life where I can think back on every single person that I met and be completely at peace with them as people. No anger, no resentment, no ill will. It's nice.

This is sort of my last place to hide because you have every other social media outlet I own. And my hands hurts and my fingertips are numb I don't want to scrawl novels in a journal. I'm starting to think I was happier without you. Haven't picked up a razorblade in years and hear I am flipping it between fingertips flirting with the idea. I wouldn't though. I don't have the heart for it anymore. I don't want to hide it all again. I still want to see me in the mirror when I get ready in the morning. But you're so beautiful. You know me a lot better than I'd like to admit. But in doing so you have every fucking capability of reducing me to a pile of trembling bones. And I love you. Six months of this crazy ride and I don't think I wanna call it quits yet. I've been happier with you than anyone else but still, what does that even say about me? I have a lot of thinking to do and maybe we have a lot of talking to do. Woman of my dreams and then some. I don't think I'm ready to let you go.

That post was not about either of you. Those are song lyrics. You can disregard.

fuck an apology I'm not sorry for anything. You don't deserve what you haven't earned. And your place in my heart has just grown so small.

Hi Mike. I'm sorry but my tolerance level for people who: - mock rape / threaten to rape & beat women - make jokes about bullying - call people who are bullied "pussies" - make light of suicide and call suicide victims "cowards" - thinks people are just "way too harsh on child molestors" and has openly admitted pedophilic thoughts / tendencies is very low.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhh. the amazing atheist. just no. shh. stop. your opinions are awful. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. /crawls under blankets

so today. was a day. a very pain in my ass argumentitive day. a few coworkers of mine, two older women to be exact, were sitting back at their desks talking about how her daughter filed a complaint about her boss. her boss that grabbed her ass and commented on it. her mothers words were: "I dont see what the big deal is. everyone's so sensitive these days. when she's older, she'll miss the attention" and I'm sorry but what. what. /what/. I just. no. no no no no. I didnt jump down their throats. I didnt say anything. I just turned to one of my other coworkers and talked with her about it. better than arguing with someone. but, regardless, you can't say that that shit is okay. that everyone is just oversensitive. their conversation included how it wasn't that bad that men commented on their bodies, etc etc. to each their own I suppose. but, personally, not a fan. not at all. especially after two weeks ago, a guy following me from the MAX train station to harrass me. I'm sorry but following a woman down the street in the middle of the evening - or any time of day - to yell "NICE TITS, WANNA FUCK?" is not acceptable. no. fuck. off. I have a lot of feelings today. and they're disjointed and jumbled.

whatmakesyouhaha.mp3 ah, regardless. ups and downs ups and downs this past week. sick and missed warped tour. but I saw Lights and hung out with a few friends. explored a new bar. ground kontrol is pretty sweet. put some more money away for my NYC vacation to see melzz next summer. worked on school stuff. marketing degree here I come. doing something with my life, I guess.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7wnTunPrQJo#! YES. THANK YOU.

NIN is coming to Portland on 11/18. Debating on buying tickets. Hm.

ha. haha. ha ha. oh god. (I dont know if I'm creeped out yet or not) what is my life.

roommate bailed without notice. well fuck. rent is due on friday. kill me pls.