I felt so warm at this point. And so "chill" as we called the feeling. It had taken us a while to figure out the way to describe it since it wasn't that easy to explain, but we finally did. And that's exactly how I felt at that point. Just chill. I could tell Vanessa was at the same stage as me because she was laying next to me and we were just sitting there rubbing each other. I remember I kept thinking "people probably think we are lesbians" and I also remember thinking that 1.I didn't blame them and 2. I didn't care. Vanessa was one of my best friends and one of the only people that understood how I felt so it was really alright for this moment to be exactly how it was. All of us just laying on a blanket listening to music. Not even talking, but just laying there. Some hadn't kicked in yet and that's why I wasn't sure if we were all that same stage. Obviously we weren't, but nothing made sense when I thought about it anyway. When i first laid down it was daytime and the next time i opened my eyes it was dark. Nightime, but too many lights in the street. It was hard to concentrate but at least there were a lot of stars to keep me busy. I could hear people talking in the background and also smell the weed they were smoking. I laughed to myself. I stood up to see crowds and crowds of people. Then everything changed. I didn't feel exhausted anymore. I looked back and forth to my friends on the blanket and the people around Too many friends, too many friends Jenny, Maria, Ali, Ashley, Sarah, Vanessa, Felipe, TJ, Oliver, Ray, etc. Too many people, too many people They were all around us They were crowding us They knew; they didn't do anything about it It looked like they did They hated me; they never really did They wanted us to be alert; that never even crossed their mind They WANTED us to panick; they didn't pay attention to us at all They only made me panick. It was horrible. I stood up and walked around. People greeted me and even as paranoid as I was i was able to act normal. Not that normal, but similar to what I always am. It's hard to be normal. At this point all I thought was the worst: we are all going to hell. It's probably true. At this point I wanted to fly. This was a different point though, but I don't expect you to understand because sometimes I don't understand either. I wondered how come our lives had come down to this. We were all such happy people, everyone that was there. We have all known each other for so long that we have all destroyed each other. We were happy, and then we had to bring in something new. We all went downhill together but somehow it was alright. I was disappointed but at the same time glad because I had a feeling that this is how it was supposed to be. Even if it wasn't the right thing to do, it was funny that we were all doing the wrong thing TOGETHER. I felt so good so happy. The best. It sucked that someone had to take advantage of that. That night I got raped for the first time in my life. I wasn't a virgin that night which made it so much worse, but why? Because it came to me that I wasn't a virgin. That I have a sexual life. That drugs got me into this thing. A mess. And worst of all, that I liked it that way.