I have realized that … I actually prefer to be called Vincent over that of Tanager. I know, there are many whom I have introduced myself to as “Tanager” that will always call me such; it is who they have known me as for years. And yet … I decided to go by the name of Tanager because I was tired of hearing Vincent … and I didn’t want to forget Sydney. It is strange, I know. Sydney was the one who gave me the nickname. He told me about the scarlet tanager, how timid a creature it is, how shy and quiet the small birds are, and yet when they sing, they have one of the most pleasing melodies to the human ear. He chose the scarlet tanager, I suppose, not only for its personality, but also for its black and red plumage … to match my black hair and red eyes. I was … aware at a very early age that red eyes are not a common trait for homo-sapiens to possess – I have known for a very long time that there was something very different about me, about my family. My father could not even remember his own childhood up until he was eight years old … I was used to being called Vincent then. I supposed that after I was captured by the emperor, after escaping from England to find refuge in Paris, that I could never go back to the life I once knew. I decided never to be called Vincent again … I didn’t want to hear my name. I didn’t want to be reminded of what could never be again. I wanted to start over, to forget what once was and who I was – or rather, am supposed to be. So I assumed the identity of Tanager – not my real name, obviously, but one I would prefer to be called. I wanted to be reminded of Sydney, despite all he had done, because I still loved him. I started to realize after a while, of people tugging on my shirts, making comments about the largeness of my clothes, how they covered everything, even my hands – that perhaps I already had something to remember Sydney by, however painful the memories might have been when looking at the permanent reminders. There are some things that you just can’t forget, things people won’t let you forget. There is a rock group known as Papa Roach here in America, and they have a song called “Scars.” There is a line within it that says “the scars remind us that the past is real.” He is right – they do. No matter where they are upon you, or another person. But what about the non-physical scars, the ones that make you flinch every time you hear your name said a certain way. With Lotus, I suppose, I got used to hearing my name again. She refused to call me anything but. When she died, though, I didn’t want to hear it. No more Vincent – it wasn’t necessary. Then I went home to see my brother … but I found that I couldn’t do it. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to do it, after two years being separated … stepping foot in Grunsberg again. No, it wasn’t going to happen. I wrote him a letter on my way up there, and I left it on his doorstep. I’ve been writing to him ever since, but I just cannot bring myself to see him again. He is getting married this summer. I have been invited, but am unsure of stepping foot back into that life. What if I find it so tempting that I want to stay – what of my life now? Somehow … Xander and I started talking. I think it was the bottle of tequila, I’m not sure, but we got on good terms … and suddenly, I am her pet. She refuses to call me anything but Vincent … and Nicolas, my brother, he still calls me Vincent … I got used to it again. I actually … rather like being called Vincent. I think, somehow, both of my worlds are starting to meld together, all with a simple name that means so much. Sometimes I wish I could say goodbye to the name of Tanager – there are many memories associated with it that I do not want to be reminded of when hearing it spoken, even by someone dear. But I do have to get used to both, don’t I? How about … Tancent? Or Vinager? … oooh, yeah, Vinegar. Heh. Scars I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut My weakness is that I care too much And our scars remind me that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel Drunk and I'm feeling down And I just wanna be alone I'm pissed cause you came around Why don't you just go home Cause you channel all your pain And I can't help you fix yourself You're making me insane All I can say is I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut My weakness is that I care too much And our scars remind us that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel I tried to help you once Against my own advice I saw you going down But you never realized That you're drowning in the water So I offered you my hand Compassions in my nature Tonight is our last stand I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut My weakness is that I care too much And our scars remind us that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel I'm drunk and I'm feeling down And I just wanna be alone You shouldn't ever came around Why don't you just go home? Cause you're drowning in the water And I tried to grab your hand And I left my heart open But you didn't understand But you didn't understand Go fix yourself I can't help you fix yourself But at least I can say I tried I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life I can't help you fix yourself But at least I can say I tried I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut My weakness is that I care too much And our scars remind us that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel