I feel so defeated... I must be strong... GAH!! I shall insert diary entry from other journal now cause i dont feel like re typing it... This weekend... was HELL. I can't wait to get back to school, i hope things will be better then, Oh please of PLEASE tell me things will be better? I don't want to say exactly what happened as I don't want people to KNOW (make sense?) but I will say. I am truely fucked in the head and I do NOT know how people stand me. I DO feel a lot closer to my Dad though... odd. Saturday night after taht horrible day of crying at lease three times oncontrollably I got into my night clothes and COULD NOT put down my teddybear and I actually craweled in bed with Dad and Leslie, I was so sick and I was really scared. And of course I had to sleep with my mom tonight 'cause I fellt really bad.(hence being up so early writing this.) god, if there is one, wh ythe hell must I go through this??? WHY?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO!?!?!?!? And you people wonder why I am not religious. Okay okay, so If i TOLD you guys what happened, you'd laugh! You wouldn't understand!! You guys would all be like "wtf, GET OVER IT" *sigh* and no one, well, FEW understand. And like all the rest of you would be thinking i am FUCKING PSYCHOTIC-like . I just wish I could be cuddling with Justin I wanna go to sleep with him and crawl in bed with him. Maybe he will protect me. But then again, even HE claimed last night that his only true hapiness came from other people... :feel like crying now: I feel royally fucked no matter what happens. I want to be better, I just want to be happy!! WHY CAN"T I BE HAPPY!?!? I just want to be with someone I love and around people that love me, and feel OKAY feel like in my head I can accept HAPINESS. God, I need to stop I really don't want to depress people... I hope that someone watches over you all and you all have someone to love, and i also hope that you have the most remakable dreams and even better lifes. We all deserve it no matter you sins, no one, NO ONE deserves to be this depressed.

Last night I told my father I didn't want to see him anymore... He told me those words hurt him badly He said 'those words are the kinds of words that drive a man to want to put a gun in his own mouth' I cryed A lot Last night I dreamed, of a life better Without conflict... So those dreams where interupted with dreams and thoughts of my father verbally attaking Justin and of rainbow chicks (birds) I want to be happy, I want my father and I to have a good relationship. But I cant be around him when He yells, when he says those words that are like knife wounds. Does he know that often the things he says drive me to want to kill myself too? Hasn't the past affected him? Doesn't he know taht when he molested me that was the end? I hadn't respected him as much after that. How can I respect him Everytime I do something wrong in his eyes, he yells, and I want to die. I am sick of it and I don't know what to do anymore.