If you could look at my face, my emotions would be all over it. Kirk is attempting to be a good boyfriend/father now. He started coming around again when The baby was 4-5 monthes. I did it on my own before that, pregnancy and everything. It was hard. I was so not ready, but I did it because she was my responsibility. You couldn't imagine how much I dispized Kirk for being able to go out party, drink, fuck and not have a care in the world, while I was locked in the house taking care of OUR baby. He acted like he didn't even care about her at first and it sickens me to think he could be like that to his own flesh and blood. It made me sick to my stomach. Plus, all the build up of everything he put me through for two yrs. I finally convinced myself I didn't love him anymore. Then here he comes because he doesn't have anyone and he needs help. Now, he lives at my parents with me. He takes care of the baby ,works ,treats me a lot better, and no drinking and drugs. It's what I cried myself to sleep hoping and praying about for the past two yrs. Now, that I have it I'm as bitter as ever. I don't know if it's because he could have been like this all along and chose not to or what, but I'm still mad about everything and I still feel ruined. Maybe there's a part of me saying he'll go back to that life style after he gets ur trust and leave you more crushed then ever. He gets upset because he's really trying, but I'm protecting myself. I won't cry myself to sleep anymore.

Before I start talking about the baby, I'll tell you about me and Kirk. Everytime I expected kirk of cheating, I could never prove it. Well Sept. 10, I picked him up and took him to walmart to get a drug test, because I had no idea where he was the night before. When we were walking back out, I looked over and THERE WAS A HICKEY ON HIS NECK. I don't mean a little one either. I flipped out right in the parking lot. He was coming up with excuse after excuse. That was anything but a hickey? Oh yeah, he DID NOT pass the drug test with flying colors. So I started doing some digging. His friends little sister told me he saw these two blonde girls walking down the steps when they came home at 7am (the same day he called me to come get him). I found out that it was Christy Hollis and Casey, the two biggest whores in my town. They are only 15 yrs. old too. Well after that day Kirk started acting like super boyfriend so I knew he was feeling guilting about something. At the beginning of Oct., we were at eat n' park when my friend called, and was like "You know how you thought Kirk cheated on you last month. Well, he did. You can pick up the pictures tomorrow." I told her thanx and got off the phone. I told Kirk it was time to confess, because there are pictures. He was like "I didn't know what I did. I was so fucked up I couldn't even remember most of the night. i just woke up that day and knew I did something stupid. That's why I'm trying so hard now. To prove I want to be better to you and that I love you. I want to have a family with you." (Oh yeah, he even got a good job where he works most of the time.) I just walked out, and sat in the car and cried. He came out and I dropped him off at his house. The pictures just ended up being him holding her at the hips, but they must have made out hard core for him to have that big of a fucking hickey. So I wanted to have a talk with little miss Christy myself. My girls thought that would be a bad idea since I was pregnant and I would have kicked the shit out of her, because she knew about us and the baby so my friend talked to her. She said Kirk was going to leave me for her, they didn't have sex, kirk has liked her for awhile, he said I was a bitch to him all the time, and that she couldn't get him away from her. Kirk freaked out when he heard this shit. He was like "I hate that fucking whore. She ain't good for nothing, but a peice of ass and I didn't even want that at all. SHE'S THE FUCKING BITCH WHOSE LIKED ME FOREVER, AND HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET WITH ME." I know it was both of them. Going through all that hurt real bad, but it has made me a lot stronger. Then, the baby came and we got back together. If he would have had sex with her there would have been no way. I just figured I'd give it one more shot for the baby. It would be better for her if we were together, but I wasn't taking no shit at all this time and he knew it. He's been doing nothing but working and spending time with us. It's still hard to look at him the same, and most of the time it just does feel right. It's more like our relationship is convenience. I do love him, but I don't know if I could ever get over what he did. He's really trying to prove himself to me too, but I'm just not so sure it matters anymore. Anyway, my new baby is perfect. She is my life, my love, and my whole world. I guess I should thank Kirk for that. Since he doesn't know how to love me, he gave me someone that will love me more then anything. It gets a little hard staying home and taking care of her by myself all the time. It's really lonely. I start back to work this weekend, and even though it will boost my confidence a little, I'll miss the baby so much.

Kirk and me are trying to work through all this. Yeah, I bet everyone knew that was going to happen. I just don't feel like putting as much effort into it this time for some reason. I'm just concentrating on the new baby. It's coming in less then a month and a half. There is still so much to do! I got my license and a car, all the things it will need, still busting my ass at work, trying to get medical insurance for it, ect. Kirk is actually coming around and helping me get my room together and stuff like that. it just makes me so mad and disappointed that he isn't trying as hard to get things straight. He still doesn't have a job, and expects everything to just come to him. He talks about wanting to get our own place, and start a real life more than anything in the world.

I guess, I'm starting a new page of my life. Me and Kirk are done for good. The pain is ripping me into pieces, but I have to be strong for my baby. Kirk has been doing nothing but lying, drinking, and doing drugs for the past two weeks. He's blown me off twice, and ever has been sneaking people into his house if he even comes home. He's been lying to me about all this stuff. The wosrt part is he did cheat on me. He was all drunk last night and admitted it to one of my friends to her face. So I told him to act like he has been 'LIKE ME AND THIS BABY DOESN'T EXIST.' It takes a really cold hearted motherfucker to cheat on his 6 mth. pregnant girlfriend and have no remorse. I'm realizing more and more about who he really is, and I hate it. He told me he was scared about the baby coming and blah blah blah. The only thing he's scared of is losing his freedom, not about how we were gonna take care of this baby. I wish I had a chose. I know I have responsiblities, and I'm taking care of my business. I'm happy about this baby, and I love it already. I would give anything up for it(even my freedom)without a second thought. I just don't understand how Kirk could be such a horrible person and not feel the same way. I'm glad I know how bad he is now, instead, of after the baby came.

Guys are good for sperm doning And pipe smoking So, girls, if you wanna settle down They're just gonna fuck around So we gotta be sure to stand our ground Life is miserable as usual. Kirk is starting to turn into his old self again. I guess the 'having a baby' thing, and the idea of starting a family was exciting at first. I guess, it just got old to him after 5 mths. There's something fucked up going on with him. I don't know what and half of me doesn't even want to know. He's just different, and he's really playing games with my head. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm so hurt and mad. He basically called me a whore and said I was the worst thing that has ever happened to him last night. Then, I won't be around and I'll raise this baby by my damned self. I don't need a man to bring me down. He'll be the one sorry in the end.

Let me tell you a little about my family on my mom's side. Most of them are rednecks and drunks, but they all try to pull themselves together for that one weekend out of the year they have to face everyone. THE FAMILY REUNION! Most of them held up through the horseshoe and doorknob throwing contest (we're Irish....might explain the drinking problems! ha!), Happy Jim spitting contest, and the auction, but by the end everyone just wanted to go to the camp to get fucked up. Okay, I love my family to death, and they come before anything. I just think it's messed up how everyone is falling to pieces. My Aunt P is with some new guy named Asshole that I can't stand just for the fact he has something ignorant to say about everyone, and he does. He got her back into drugs and shit too to the point where she comes before anything. Her daughter, Jane, has told me mad stories about all the shit her and my Aunt M has been doing. Then there's my Aunt M, who I found out is addicted to OCs and smokes weed with my cousin, Snobzilla. Both of my aunts left their husbands in the same year too. Crazy, huh? My step grandma and papa were drinking most of the day. When we got to the camp, I went to bed before everyone started drinking to bad. It wasn't all bad though. I did have fun most of the time. I loved seeing my family. I miss them a lot. I only talked to Kirk twice since Saturday morning. When I did talk to him I didn't get any "How was your trip, I missed you baby, Did you have fun". I got "One of my friends seen you (yeah right, I was in a different freaking state), Why didn't you call me the whole time (We were in BFE and no one got signal), Well the phones dying so I'm gonna call you back (But never did)". But whatever, hurt my feelings it's fun, ya know? Oh well, I've notice the magic left awhile ago, so I just deal with it. I have to go deal with work today too. Listen to this bullshit, WalMart doesn't except doctor's excuses. Isn't that a labor law or something? I told them for 2 monthes, I couldn't be there this weekend and they scheduled me anyway. So I called off! I'm probably gonna get in trouble, but I don't care. I told them. I just don't want to deal with their bitching today at all.

Saturday, I went to my first strip-club for, my friend, CeeCee's bachlorette party. I had my own little image of a male strip-club. My thoughts were that they would come out dressed like a cop, cowboy, or something, get naked (except for the little thong), and shake some ass for some dollars in thier g-string. I WAS SO WRONG! This club was grimmy. I must have missed the sign outside that said "Full contact: We are allowed to kiss, grab, spank, rub, ect." It was insane. I was shocked when I saw them slapping girls in the face with thier dick, but I was fuckin' disguised when I saw them lick a girl's dirty crouch. I probably would have liked this place if I wasn't five monthes pregnant and was single. I guess, it's just not my scene anymore. Kirk told me to go, but he's all weird about it now. Just like a guy, huh? I think he thought I let those guys do stuff to me. Yeah right! I didn't wanna breath, because I was scared I'd get an STD through the air (Ha). Don't get me wrong. It was funny watchin' these fools dance around and embarrassing all these girls. There was even an 80 year old woman! I got pictures of her. That was hilarious shit. I do think that stuff is degrating though (even though, they make mad money). Anyway, life beyond the naked beef cakes...Drama had her baby. SOOO CUTE! She's going through prenatal depression so bad though. They have her on these zombie pills that just make it worse. Here's what I think about her situation, her whole life she was locked up in her house. She wasn't allowed to go out and do crazy shit like most kids were until she was 18. A couple monthes after that she got pregnant, and the fun stopped again for a long time. Now, she wants to run around and have fun again, btu she has a baby. Crack doesn't help. He doesn't care. He'll go party and leave her alone with the baby everyday. Sad story, but lifes shitty so get some boots. She has to realize her life didn't stop, because she doesn't need to worry about going out all the time. There's more important things. She's not a bad mommy though. The undate on me and Kirk is we are completely stressed out. He has a job at a farm, paying off all his fines, and going to get his GED. It's a start, so I'm proud of him. He's not allowed at my house anymore, because him and my sister got into it. Which is bullshit. My family is stressing us out a lot. They breath down Kirk's back all the time about getting his shit together, even though, he's trying hard. My sister doesn't even really talk to me anymore, because she's getting really miserable and ignorant. I hate that. It hurts my feelings that she can treat me like I'm nothing, just another person she knows. Me and Kirk have been srguing a lot too. I'm always mad and he's alway a basket-case. There's just a lot of work we have to do before this baby comes, and we're worried.

You talk about me like I'm a whore And it keeps hurting more and more Well, today I had enough Of you and your friends saying fucked up stuff You were suppose to trust me and love me You should have known faithful is what I'd be You should know me by now Instead, of thinking I'm so fowl I never did anything to you Because my love was always true But I won't feel bad for one more day I have no reason to feel that way You should stand up for me when your friends talk shit But you freak out and play along with it You said you need to fix a lot before we can truly be together It's to late, I ran out of hope things would ever get better Now, it doesn't matter what either of us feel Because we finally realized it will never be real You'll never trust me no matter how hard I try You'll never stop thinking I cheat and I lie You'll always say hurtful things to see my tears I'll never be worth you standing up to your fears Well, I just want you to know That you've been going pretty low That I never messed around with any of your friends That my love was always there for you at all the beginnings and ends That I started to fully trust you And I thought all the trouble was through But maybe you wanted this And that's way you acted so ignorant and pissed Maybe that's why I always got accused of things I didn't do Maybe that's why now I have to miss you This poem is like our relationship 'always contridicting itself' Because, to this very minute, I'm defending myself I'm 4 monthes pregnant, and Kirk still accuses me of fucking aroud with his friends. I would never touch any of his crackhead dirty stank ass friends. AND I"M PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY!!!! I never cheated on him or did him dirty, so I don't see why he does trust me. Plus, if he had any respect for me at all, he would talk to me like I would actually do all this shit. I do believe one day he might actually hit me, because he gets really mad. I mean like up in my face screaming and pushing me. Afterwards, he even tells me he didn't do it. What the hell! I know he'll be good to this baby, and I'm thankful for that. I just don't think he'll ever be truly good to me.

How can I be excited about this baby being born When everytime you talk my spirit gets more and more worn Everytime I think about it I don't understand Why you don't step up and become a man How can you tell your friends it might not be your baby When you kiss my belly and act so happy It's ripping me apart everyday To know you could talk about us this way I've never cheated and never lied But I have been patient no matter how many tears I cried I've work hard and take care of your unborn child While you get drunk, crazy, and wild How can you make me look like a whore When your baby grows in me more and more I never really knew how cold you could be Until I had people pointing and laughing at me And you don't realize why I'm always so depressed Because every hurtful word and action I had to surpress I won't deal with it anymore If you have doubts or something to say, there's the door Now, I have a little life I have to consider And I can't be strong if I'm always bitter Yeah, Kirk went around saying the baby might not be his. Isn't that fucked up? And all his drug addicted loser friends look at me like I'm some kind of whore. Whatever, I know who's it is and Kirk knows he's the dad too. He even swore on my baby's life he didn't get in this girls car to go get her weed. When I saw him with my own eyes, and the girl called to tell me and Drama what was going on. He's never gonna grow up, so I broke up with him. When he can be a role model to my baby, then he can be with me and the baby.

For the longest time, all I wanted was to get out of my house and start a life with Kirk. Well, he never got a job or anything to make that possible. Now, I'm about 2 monthes pregnant, and he still doesn't have a job. So it crosses my mind that 'if he loves me then he'd really would want to be there and stop fucking around.' I hate the fake that I'm pregnant. I know that sounds so bad and disturbing, but I really will love my baby. i just feel like my whole life is over. I was going to college and doing something with myself. Now, I have to put that on hold. I even have to work overtime at Wal-Mart just so I can start saving money and getting shit together for the baby. Kirk is doing jack-shit. I wonder all the time if we're gonna make it through all this. I can't stand why he's not being a man. We were the most confused couple before and now we're bringing a baby into our mess. I won't deal with that at all. I see him like twice a week, because I'm always working and he's going whatever he does. I just wish he would be there for me instead of always being the one to get me upset and crying. I guess I shouldn't have said anything about Drama's situation, because now I'm in a similar one. Like today, he's crying and freaking out and being ignorant to me because he has the flu. Well, I'm sick like that ever god damned day and I still drag my ass to work for 9 hrs. a day puking, headache, sore tired body, but it's him so I'm suppose to feel bad. When he never rushed to take care of me. NEVER!!! I'm so scared and worried that I can't be excited about this baby. I never thought I'd be a single mom, but I guess no one does. This is the beginning of my distruction.

Okay, I don't regret my decision to get back with Kirk, because I do love him. The problem is everything is getting messed up just like it always did. For the first week I had to deal with Kirk getting off his coke binge and going through withdrawl. It was soooo bad. Then, he lost his job two days ago, because he couldn't find a ride. It wasn't his fault, but still. Then yesterday I found out he's going to be going to jail any day now, because while we were broke up he wasn't paying his fine or going to see his P.O. at all. Great, huh? I feel bad, because I know he's trying to do better, but all this keeps happening. On the other hand, I want to beat the fuck out of him, because he would have had the money to pay his fine if he didn't spend so much damn money on coke. He would have had it to get a car, so he could have got to work and his P.O. meetings. He started trying to late, and it pisses me off. To make it worse, my dad lost his job, so my families going to be moving soon. I have nowhere to go except my sister's and her husband doesn't even let Kirk anywhere around me when he has say in it. The plan of me and Kirk getting a place and actually starting a life is nothing but a big pile of shit now. Okay, he stopped doing coke, and tries to see me more, and blah blah blah. But he's still in the process of crawling out of the million foot deep hole he dug himself when I wasn't around. I hate this. I remember why I was so unhappy before. This is seriously his last change though, and I told him use it as he will. But I might as well forget about our plans to get shit straight for a long time.

I've had enough of staying safe in my little shell. I've been running from the Bright and Kirk situation for way to long. It's unfair to them and me, so I'm making a decision. Right or Wrong, I'm gonna take a risk. Bright is a great guy with the softest heart in the world, but he just ain't for me. Kirk is my baby and I love him. No matter how crazy he is, I have faith in him. Brights trying to be a player and lying about it. I don't see why he'd lie. I ain't gonna get back with him. He has all right to go out and do as many girls as he can. I don't care, because I'm not with him. But if he still wants to be friends, he shouldn't lie to me all the time. Kirk did the same thing when we broke up. Bright is totally in the position Kirk has always wanted to be in with my family. I know that hurts him, but he needs to try harder. I know I've taken these boys through hell in back with their hearts, but I didn't know what to do. I was avoiding the pain for me. Kinda selfish, I know. For once, I didn't want to put everyone else before me. Now, me and Kirk will work on making things better, Bright will move on with which ever girl he wants to pick for the 50 million that are chasing him (haha), and everyone will eventually be happy. FINALLY!

I guess you can say I'm alone now. Well, there's people all around me, but I feel, therefore, I am alone. Me and Bright broke up, because I couldn't drag him down to my level anymore. He says he loves me, and he's still gonna be around. We'll see how long that lasts though. I didn't think it was fare to keep dragging him along in my quest to get over Kirk. He's to good for that. I've been seeing Kirk a little bit, and talking about getting back together and making things work this time. I love Kirk to death, but it's not the same. I feel like I'm holding on to him for dear life in the mix of a hurricane. It feels like it's time to let go, but I can't. I love him to much. Poor Bright! He's persistant, but not successful. I care about him, and I would be crushed if he wasn't around. I even found myself getting jealous, because he is a cutie, so of course, girls like him. I can't be selfish though. I made a decision to let him go, so I no longer have any say in that department. Maybe I did start to fall in love with Bright and got scared. I don't know. Nothings really different between me and Kirk in the sense of how he acts of course. We are still always fighting. How come I know that Bright is better for me, but I keep dragging this on? How could my mind win against my emotions? I guess the fact is I am conquered and condemned by Kirk! I found out the whole pedifile thing was just a shit load of people who don't like me talking shit to start problems too. Which it did. Kirk didn't screw that little girl, and good, because I would have never been able to look at him again.

When we fell apart I thought I lost my heart I blamed it all on me Because it was too painful to see All the things you did to us I guess, I just got strong enough To finally run away And break the ruteen of everyday I do love you And our plans were things I wanted to go through I think that's why it hurt so bad Bacuse of the destruction of all the dreams we had I was true, I was faithful I played along with all the gamesyou tried to pull I was there whenever you needed someone But I also let you have your fun Everytime you said you didn't want to be together Looking pathetic, I crawled back to try to make it better But for once, you're gonna stick with what you say And I don't care if you want it this way i don't care how sorry you are Or if you think it's gone to far And I won't take the blame anymore Because I realized, It was your love that was unpure! Okay, let me start with how Kirk is gonna be 21 in a week. I just found out that he fucked a 15 yr. old girl last night. PEDIFILE!! Can we say stagitory rape, motherfucker? Yeah! I can't even be jealous, because I am so disgusted. He's really trying to prove he's a better person ain't he. And to think I broke up with Bright, because I couldn't get over him. After I found out that shit, me and bright got back together of course. God, what is with Kirk and little girls. The girl he supposivly cheated on me with just turned 15 and the girl he tried to get with to piss me off (because of Bright) was 16. And these girls ain't even pretty and they have no personality. Maybe that's what he wants. Oh well, I realized that Bright really cares about me, and Kirk will never beable to treat me as good as Bright does. He can have them little girls too, because one day (if he's not already) he'll sit back, probably all messed up, and be like "Damn, I miss Tee, and I lost the best girl I will ever get." I'm moving on. I'll never be with a guy that takes advantage of little girls. And what are these girls problems. They're running around being little hos, and they don't even care how they look or what could happen to them. I hate stupid people!

I'm so emotionally drained. I feel dead inside, and everyone is noticing. My family looks at me like I'm the outcast now. And it's all, because I have to much compassion for two different guys. They don't think I can make good decisions, and I'm starting to think they're right. I'm to scared of making the wrong decision so I just leave it all dangling in the air. I just want to give up on everything. Me and Kirk still talk, and we've hung out twice in the passed month. I love him to death, but my family hates him, my friends tell me to move on, and even his mom has told me he's no good. I guess it just matters how I feel about him though. I know he's a really passionate person who would give the world to anyone that he loves. If I get back with him, he's going to give me money to start saving to get a place, and try again. Then, there is Bright. I can't hurt him. He's the only guys that has ever shown me this much respect. It's like, through him, I realized how a guy is suppose to be. I tell Kirk everything about me and Bright, but for some reason i can't be as honest with Bright about Kirk. I tried today to tell him that I was confused and everything else. I couldn't do it. I saw his face when I started to tell him, and it made me melt. I asked him where he planned on being in 5 years from now. He said with me, working, and happy. He wants me to move in with him with no expense. I don't know what to do. I can't open up to him until I deal with my issues. He said that nothing perfect last forever. I told him that it was because nothing is perfect. I'm not being fair to either of them right now. The only advice that I have got from anyone that makes any sense was from my friend Mac tonight. He told me to leave them both alone for awhile until I get my head straight. I told him I was scared of losing them both, but I guess the more dedicated one will be around when I'm ready. I'm so confused about everything. Kirk will always do crazy stuff. And Bright will never be crazy enough. I need to just sit back and think all this through without everyone in my face telling me what to do. I'm driving myself insane. Everytime I think I made the right decision, people start talking and I start doubting myself. I'm never gonna be happy!!!

Me and Kirk finally split for good, and here's my story. Two monthes ago, I meant a guy named Bright at a job orientation. We started talking as friends. He had a girlfriend (We'll just call her Cunt), and I was with Kirk. I hung out with him at his house watching movies and eating pizza. I know 'BIG NO-NO'!!! I told Kirk, because I didn't have a guilty conscience. I'm not a cheater and he knows it. Well, he broke up with me. It was a really bad one too. I was devastated. I felt so alone and empty, and still kinda do. We had plans to get our own place in a couple monthes, and start a life. That was all squashed in a matter of seconds. Bright was there for me, but I also found out he liked me. He broke up with Cunt, so he could try to get with me. I was really uneasy at first, because I was still deeply in love with Kirk. He was trying to get me back too. As much as I missed him, I couldn't ignore Bright or my family and everyone else telling me the Kirk was bad for me, and Bright was a great guy. So I kept turning both of them down. I went a couple days without talking to Kirk, and that's when I decided to give Bright a chance. He bought me flowers and clothes, took me to resturants, opens every door for me, takes me anywhere I want, shows me mad respect, and is very cute. It's like he's the man on the white horse here to take me away from my shattered life. But it's also like I'm living a fairy tale life that belongs to someone else. I still ended up sneaking out with Kirk, and crying every night just to hear his voice. Why? I told Bright. He wasn't happy, but very understanding and compassionate. Most girls would die for a guy like this. Why can't I tell Bright that I love him when he tells me? Love and hate are the most power words, and I won't use them lightly. I have to make sure I really mean them. Why do I feel like I'm dying inside? I should be happy. So why do I miss Kirk so much? He's falling apart too. I can't sit around and watch him do it to himself. That hurts more then not being with him. He's back on coke real bad, and he tried to mess around with some little girl. I know he's lonely, but damn. I think a little piece of it is that because I can get over Kirk then I can't open up to Bright. I built a wall that no one can get through. I thought guys like him didn't exist, so I don't want to look like a fool again if this isn't gonna last. Kirk is ripping me to pieces. I love him unconditionally, and I don't know what to do without him. Bright is to nice of a guy for this. I can't take all this anymore.

Drama is pregnant. Isn't that crazy?? She got pregnant the first time she ever had sex. I miss hanging out with her. She started calling more. I think she just needs someone now. They're happy about it, and everything. They are getting their own place in June, and getting married. She wants me to go. I know our friendship will never be the same, but she was like my sister for so long. No matter what she does I can't stay mad at her.

Well, what to do? What to do? Me and Kirk has been through hell together. Things happened that should have destroyed us, but didn't. But now, I'm sitting here thinking about if we are really meant to be together. He has no motivation for life at all, and I don't know what to do. No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. He's like a 16yr. old caught in a 21yr. old body. No job, runs with his friends 24/7 or just sits around his mom's house, and he has no GED. I can't watch him waste his life away, when I can't find any reasoning for him to act this way. I'm in college, I work 34 hrs. a week, and take care of my family and friends. I need someone that can keep up with my pace. My hearts still with him, but my mind isn't. I feel so alone, because me and him are leading two completely different lives. He's content where he is, and I don't want to sell myself short. It crushes me, and he feels it too. I can tell, because of how depressed he's been around me. This is so sad.

How can I love you so much When you drive me completely insane Why do I crave your touch When you bring so much pain How can I believe in you When I know you'll never change Why do I think about you with everything I do When you act so strange How come I always want you around When your content where you are Why do I look to you when I'm down When I know you'll go to far How come I give you all of me When you are so distant Why do I think you're the one to make me happy When it's only for an instant Love is always blind And that's the conclusion I drew But I will never distroy our bind Why should I when I know there is no such thing as love being true The two people I trusted more then anything in the world ripped me to pieces. The worse typical thing to happen in a relationship is your boyfriend falling for your best friend right? Well, Captain Kirk just told me that him and Drama told each other that they loved each other when me and him first started going out. Now, how fucked up is that? It hurts so bad, but I stay. I'm not sure why yet. I love him, but I want to hate him for what he did. I want to hate her too, but I can't. She was like my baby sister. I try to move on, but it eats at me everytime I look in their faces. I don't understand how they could do this to me. Drama said she didn't have anything to do with it, basically. She blamed everything on him. Kirk said he loves me and he always has, but he was attracted to her and blah blah blah. I can't forgive them deep down, but I don't want to lose them either. How could you do this to me We were suppose to be friends I was dumb that I didn't see You would back stab me in the end You lied to me all along And the most fucked up thing You don't think it was wrong To destroy everything How could you want mine When you knew it would hurt so bad And talk to me about him and say "it's gonna be fine" And you Mr. 'She Isn't Anything To Me' No one has made me deal with what you put me through But my trust didn't let me see That me and you were never true The love I thought was real Was just revenge on her This wound with never heal No matter how bad you want it to get better So when you two were confessing your feelings of betrayal I hope you knew what was going on Because my emotions for you went stale And now, I'm going to find where I belong

Last night was pure insanity! Me and Kirk was hanging out at the trailor park with my friend, Baby, and her boy, when Drama called Baby to start a fight. Drama heard Baby was talking shit on her and Crack. Kirk wanted a piece of Crack, because he heard that he said he could wreck him. (Testastiron: I'll never understand) Well, we drove by where they were, so Baby could try to talk to Drama to sort this stupid shit out. As soon as we pulled up, Kirk flew out of the car. Him and Crack where screaming at each other, and me and Drama were holding them back. When I was getting ready to put Kirk in the car, Drama let go, and Crack smashed Kirk right in the eye while I still had ahold of him. Was that a cheap ass hit or what? Drama kept saying, "I don't even see why you brought him down here." Kirk and Crack stopped fighting, because the cops got mentioned. Before I got in the car, I yelled, "We'll ********, you got what you wanted. AWHOLE BUNCH OF DRAMA." I wanted to smash Drama's loud mouth friend that was down there too, but I had to obtian myself. I'm still in the process of paying one Disorderly Conduct and Harrassment fine. I don't see me and Drama ever being cool again. Her personality did a one-eighty, and she quit calling me, because her and Kirk got problems. Some freakin' friend, huh? I guess you just never know who your real friends are. It makes me want to cry though. I mean, I loved Drama like a sister, and she did nothing but fuck me over in the end. That shit hurts real bad.