Well guys, once again my failure to stick up for myself has left me at home really pissed off and not able to do anything about it. Although i happen to be a girl i am somewhat ashamed from the behaviour i see from other females. Do all of us find it necessary to start conflicts with everyone and anyone that we can manage, or is it just the girls i happen to have crossed paths with? i do hope someone will come tell me different and restore my faith in the female race, but as of now i am ashamed and feel like hiding

Why is it that people are social creatures? If you think about it it would save us alot of greif if we were non social. I personally am at my happiest when i am sitting alone with a good book, a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Maybe i am just anti-social. Maybe i lack what it takes to really connect with people around me. My mother explained to me tonight that i am a caring loving person who has been drowned in my own anger. I dont think i am angry i just have lost all hope in the human race. My father, who was always more of a friend than a parent has not spoken to me in 3 months. I dont think i will ever know the exact incident that lead up to us not speaking. I miss him every day. My brother who was always my best friend has not spoken to me in 6 months. I feel abandoned and alone. At 15, I have given up. I expect nothing from people, that way i can not be disappointed. No Expectaions; No Regrets.

Last night consisted of alot of drinking, to many girls and a fuck load of unnecessary drama. But what else could you expect with an outing with the girls from my school. Molly and i have come to the conclusion that we hate all girls. This, most people find interesting because we happen to be girls. The thing is though that im just sick and tired of all the drama and backstabbing that comes along with being associated with a large group of girls. This year i have tended to keep to myself, mostly hanging out with Molly, Simone and an abundance of guys. I tend to get along better with guys, no drama, and they tend to get straight to the point when you have done something wrong and do the unspeakable... actually say it to your face... wow amazing. But last night i ventured into a night out with the girls. What was i thinking. We all went camping, yes there were more guys than girls there... there was actually only a total of 6 girls and about 20 guys... and i found that i couldnt even handle being in the company of those 5 girls without wanting to drive some sort of sharp object through my head just so i wouldnt have to listen to them anymore. Within five minutes of their arrival, they decided to insult about 4 people there, sit there being obnoxiously loud and chugging back their alcohol, then proceeded to maul anything with a penis for the rest of the night. It was a lovly sight, watching a girl that i will keep namless, attempt to strattle a guy sitting on a lawn chair, causing the chair itself to tip over and knock over 3 bottles of vodka. The guy was pissed because he feel on his back, and everyone else was pissed because they just lost a total of 75$ worth of liqour because someone had to be a whore. Well this morning when we all woke up, we found that "nameless" at some point during the night decided it would be funny to throw any purse they could find ontop of the roof of the cabin.... brilliant idea u fuck face. Anyways, i just felt that i had to rant a little and i do indeed feel a little bit better. All i can say is that i hope and pray that i never become one of them.

its summer. im happy, for once. sounds good.

well, my parents, r nuts, and they are ridiculous.

Well, last friday all my friends were out drinking and i went to, but i didnt drink and there was this guy there that i liked and he hadnt drank either, so we were both sober, and i was cold, so he said he'd warm me up and he put his arms around me and kept me warm and then walked me home and we kissed goodnight. Then on monday i saw him in the halls and he smiled and then i didnt see him again until tonight (wednesday) and we were all at a friends house and i went out for a smoke and everyone was like go have a smoke with her go have a smoke with her and he wouldnt go so...i felt sorta rejected. And i dont know what to do, cuz i dont know if he still likes me or if hes just shy or what... AH should i give up on him or should i just try harder, cuz we obviously already made a connection, well at least i thought so.... i need help!

I made a mistake. A mistake that caused my heart to break. And its my fault totaly and completly. I ruined a friendship over my stupidness, tobaco, and bad decisions. All which was my fault. I slept today, mostly because i didnt want to think about what i was going to have to eventually. Every time i woke up, i remebered and it was to much, so i slept more. I wanted to forget my troubles with drugs, but isnt that wat got me here in the first place? I made an unrepairable mistake and the person i hurt meant so much to me but i dont think that they are going to forgive me, my mistake was just to much. I want my mom, i know that sounds immature but thats what i need right now. I need to straighten myself out, but im not sure i rememeber how. Its been to long since i had my life together, and with this one person i finally felt like i could handle what was going on in my life. but i abused that, and now its gone. Last night i hurt myself, its the first time i have ever done it, and i think i hurt me more than i already was hurting. I felt raw and vulnerable after and the one person i wanted to talk to, probably will never talk to me again. So basicly, im not such a good person when it comes down to it and im going to go sleep somemore because maybe, if im lucky, my heart will stop beating in my sleep and ill slip into a state of happiness away from this world of mine.

ok so the guy that asked me out. . .well he likes me SO much. . .but for me its serisouly just not there and its only been 3 days and i really want to end it. I feel so bad though and i feel like i cant just end it after this short period of time. AH i dont know what to do.

"The Boy" asked me out today, and of course i said yes. Im so happy. It feels good to have someone. He is a really sweet guy too so im happy. I dont think he would ever cheat on me or anything but at the begining it always seems perfect haha. well thats all for now. ill write more later.

I havent written in awhile but not alot has happened. There is this guy at school and i know he really likes me and is probably going to ask me out really soon. Everyone thinks i like him . . which i do but definitly not as much as he likes me and i ahvent really ever had a real boy friend all the other ugys were kinda like thos middle school crushes that asked u out and u were automaticly going steady and u would hold hands in the hallways but never see each other after school. Well i dont know if this guy does the whole dating thing first or just does that whole well i asked u out so we r going steady now. .. its just weird i think because we havent hung out that much but i do want to "date" him haha. what should i do!?! any advice?? help me!!!

Its the first day of school. . . ahhh. Im not excited. I cant believe that summer is over im so sad! But its going to be fun to see everyone again. I have known this guy for like a year or so now and we used to kinda have a thing but it ended and i am starting to like him again and i think he likes me still too so i hope something happenes there that would be awesome to start off my year.

Today im going to the beach. I got a new bathing suit last night and im super excited haha. Fuck, i came back to kelowna which is where i grew up for most of my life and the pepole here are just so messed up. My bestfriend that i have known since i was 2 and we grew up like sisters together has changed so much. Now whenever we have an argument or soemthing she goes and makes up all this stuff and tell her mom and sisters so her entire family hates me now and i didnt really do anything. But i feel like i cant just tell ehr off because we have so much memorys and history together. . . it would feel like i was disowning one of my own family members. Its a rough decision. . . anyone got any advice?

Well, i have decided that i finally want a boyfriend. I took a break from dating after my last boyfriend cheated on me, but im finaly ready again haha. It never used to take me a very long time to move on but the last guy it was just so hard to get over for somereason. We werent even dating for that long, it was only like 3 or 4 weeks. But oh well im ready to get back out there haha. Im also going to green bay camp for a week as a counseler and ther are ALWAYS the hottest guys you will ever meet working there haha its amazing. . . plus we live on a beach for a week. It can not get any better than this =D

Well im off to kelowna today. Its sad that summer is coming to an end and i have to leave anyways for the last little bit of it. Im going to miss the people here so much. Its so hard going away. Well its only a week and a half so its not to bad i suppose. It will be nice to have a break. . . i guess.

seriosuly only bitches talk shit. my friend for a long time has changed so much she is just a total bitch now and she is always saying she wants to work shit out but all she does is call me immature and say shit that she isnt fucking in the place to say. I cant fucking stand her she makes me want to kill myself and her at the same time. She doesnt know when to shut up. which brings me back to my first point. . . only bitches talk shit.

I once was that girl that you saw in the hallways. I was popular for me, myself, not for drugs and not for drinking because i hated them with a passion. I lost one of my best friends for that. Now i live a different life. My parents didnt get along for as long as i remeber. i could always hear them yelling at eachother and every word was a stab to my own life. I remeber as a little girl sitting with my mom and asking if her and daddy were going to get a "deevocred" and every time she shook her head and promised me not to worry. I was to young at the time to understand what a divorce ment but i took my moms word that they wouldnt and carried on my life, but slowly the anwser to my question changed. At first she just didnt seem as sure as she used to and then her yes turned into a im not sure honey and then one sad day my dad moved away. He moved back to the place he always claimed my mom made him leave. It was that day i felt my life started falling apart. My sister had border line personality disorder. Its a serious mental problem where that person does not know how to interact with the people around her like a normal person would and they will always suffer from chronic depression. My sister looks like any other person, she is beautiful and has the most amazing smile you will ever see, i love her so much and no one will ever understand how truly difficult it has been for me to love her but my love will never fade. Its so emotionaly tiring loving someone who never shows that she loves you back. A person with borderline personality disorder is moody and pushes everyone that loves them away with there moods and anger. My brother is like my strong hold, he is 7 years older than me and i dont know what i would have done without him. Through all the hard times he was always there with a warm hug and good advice and i love him unlike i have ever loved anyone in my life and he is the only person in my life that i know for sure loves me back and will never leave me. But when i started getting into drugs and alcohol i lost the girl i once was. I wish i could bring her back but truthfully i dont know if that will ever happen.