I hate you like I love you. Can't seem to control how I feel these days. Been holding tight to the past, much too long. I wonder if he's gay? He's always looking for guys. I'm not interested, exactly, I'm in love remember? Love? What is that, compared to anything that I know? Is it worth my time, my energy, my anything? Do I have the "proper" defination? Willing to give it all away? Probably not. Yet, I can't help but think that perhaps I should. After all, I wouldn't know what I had until I lose it. Like a bad game of hide and seek. I'm going to mess things up again, I think. Not because I want to, but simply because that's what will happen. It's negativity, yes, dear, I know. I played in a fountain today. Played on the swingset at 2 in the morning. they say rapists belong there. I laughed, I didn't care, I didn't want to care. I feel invincible. I'm going to crash and fall. Fall out of this mess and into something bigger. bigger and bolder and not what I need at this point in time. Kiss me.