its been nine months since i've been on here....wow....nine months....i feellike i've progressed somehow, from oneperson to another. i guess thats part of growing up i'm going to enlgand soon. i just hope that i dont get lost in toronto on the way there or back :S maybe i'll be back

Like Chelsey I looked up the meaning for Ducky, what I call Brandyn. Ducky:adj. Slang duck·i·er, duck·i·est Excellent; fine. or n : a special loved one [syn: darling, favorite, favourite, pet, dearie, deary] Which is funny, 'cause I called him that when I forgot his name! This weekend Chelsey and I finally made it out to Ashern. Took a while but we got there! Thursday On Thursday I got all my junk together and got to Chelsey’s house at about 10:30p.m. we hung out for a bit; laughing, talking, plotting. We decided to go to bed at about 1 – 1:30 a.m. and that’s when Brandyn decided to phone. Ahhh Ducky, you have the perfect timing, hahaha. So Chelsey spoke to Brandyn for a bit, while I read, then he spoke to me. He was saying that if I ever feel sad then I can call him and that he would rather I did that at 4 o’clock in the morning than cut myself. He also said that when I hurt myself he hurts. He was also drunk, so who knows the validity of that. But either way, I didn’t like it. It’s not often things like that are said to me, and when they are I don’t know what to say. All I do is laugh but then Brandyn got mad at me, ‘cause he thought I was laughing at him. For all the time he has spent counseling I don’t think he understands that it’s hard for private people to open up to a stranger. But anyhow, Brandyn and Chels said good-bye and we went to bed. Mind you we giggled a lot of course. I have now read more of Chelsey's book than she has. Hahaha! Friday Oh such an early wake up. I woe on my own at about 6 a.m. and her mum came in the door to wake us a couple of minutes later. Weird timing, especially seeing how I am NOT a morning person! We each had shower/bath, respectively, and dressed ate whatever, the whole morning routine. Then Chelsey asks me if I have photo I.D. ‘cause I need it. And no I don’t have it! So I call my mum and she drops it off, while we wait outside with our wheely luggage (ah city girls at our finest) and then off we RUN to the bus stop. The bus was late. By ten minutes. As we stood out in the rain! Ergh! but we get to the Depot eventually, find out I didn’t need photo I.D., just a student card for discount, damn didn’t have it either. Then, after a bit of a wait we were off. Just went up to the bus and sat down right in front and Chels and I talked laughed giggled, played tour director (on to your left you will see one of the many Subways at our convenient locations for Winnipeg University Students. Hahaha!) they played Catwoman the movie for us and we pulled out our snacks and watched it. Had a couple of pit stops and soon enough we arrived in Ashern! Yay! lol, I was so tired. We got our bags and then went to sit on the picnic table just out side Petro so we could see the boy when he came. I called him about a half hour earlier saying we were a half hour away, to make sure he was awake, and on time. We only waited a couple minute before he pulled up in this mini van, it was hilarious. He was hung-over, all bedraggled and whatnot. Pretty funny. We went to One Stop or something like that where Brandyn, Bjorn, Carlos, and B’s mum, Sandra, were eating breakfast and kind of sat down, a little awkward, and looked around. It was weird to see a restaurant in a gas station. We soon left and got our 3 minute tour of Ashern, I swear that’s how long it took, and headed to Brandyn’s house. His house was really nice, and the set up was really neat and he had a huge backyard as well as some cows and chicken/rooster/baby chicks. So we didn’t really do much, played a bit of pool and watched Napoleon Dynamite. Movie isn’t that bad, kinda stupid but hey, that’s the point. I had a nap somewhere in the day while Chelsey and Brandyn went to get tequila and limes. And while we were watching napoleon, we all got kinda hungry (devoured the dinosours) and decided to have sloppy joes. Couple of problems arose. A) Brandyn was going to make them with only one bun, not a top and bottom, just the bottom! B) he put the mea on the bun, put the top on and put it all in the toaster oven. I told him to take the top off so it would cook faster. He got a bit defensive and did so C) he took it out put the top on and gave them to us. Chelsey stuck her finger in one and laughed. She said it was still cold, I tried and it was! Haha! So Bjorn put ours in the microwave while Brandyn ate his warm. I asked him why he didn’t just put the meat in the microwave and he got really defensive. It was halrious! Then later on we had a tequila shot and went to the bars. I was I.D.ed and had to leave *sigh* I cant help when I was born guys! And I saw Jesse! Good ‘ol Jesse, always staring and what not. Haha. So we went bac to Brandyn’s and started to drink and party. People came over. Saw Becky again! It was great! Becky is really nice! This guy named Tim was just hanging off of Becky and Brenna, Brandyn’s sister. Then later on outside by the fire he kept touching my face and my arm, boy did I ever want to hit him. After a while Brenna moved him away from me, but he came back later. He spilt alcohol on my shoes three times!!! ASS HOLE!! Gah! Late that night, near the end Carlos was like “Hey, your shoes bubbling.” I melted my shoe!!! AHHH! Good ol Carlos, helping others out. I got more attention from Carlos than I did Bjorn, damn Bjorn.:P I told Tim he meant nothing to me and he started getting all sad saying that he ‘meant nothing at all’ rather than nothing to me, which is what I said. He walked through the garden to go sulk and eventually they took him home. Chelsey had disappeared inside with Brandyn and I was left outside with Carlos and Chris, Brenna’s boyfriend. I fell asleep at the fire and went inside a couple of minutes later for bed. Took a blanket and curled up on the couch. A bit later I heard Chelsey and Brandyn talking to Bjorn, and then traipse upstairs to where I was. Brandyn jumped on me, how at 3 in the morning I don’t know. I was so tired. Said I wouldn’t go downstairs to Bjorn ‘cause he made no indication that he would be interested. This was pretty much what the whole night was. Damn boy doesn’t say more than two words an hour. Chels said that Bjorn said ‘tell her to come down here.’ If you’d have told me that I would have went! Grrrr. May have to jump the boy and use good ‘ol Gryfindor techniques. Slytherin doesn’t seem to be working. Hahaha! Saturday woke at about 8 a.m. sooo early! And had a gorgeous breakfast! Yum! Then Chelsey and I had a shower each and got ready. We went to Brandyn’s cabin that used to be theirs but now they rent. Set up to tv and sound stuff and Chels and Brandyn went off gallivanting somewhere. Leaving me with the comatose boy. Haha, he made barely any move nor sound till I asked him what movie he wanted to watch and then *I* moved over to *HIM*. Damn boy. Then it was time for Ducky to work and we three went ot his house to hang out while he went to work. We watched t.v. and napped till we had to go. We tried to fin a way to stay longer, but couldn’t :P. pretty soon it was time to go and we did. Went to Petro and waited for our bus, it came, we left and it was a sad ending to a wonderful weekend. No matter how difficult Bjorn was I still had a great time :D we said our good-byes and I wish we didn’t. Never say good-bye because saying good-bye means going away, and going away means forgetting. * Peter Pan

Can this be titled? K, bad news first, then i can go to bed on a good foot, a need a couple of good feet right now. Well, first thing first is that we figured out that it was, indeed, candise who printed Kristina’s diary thing and gave it to Chelsea who gave it to cherie. Duh gurls! Why would we think that Chelsea would tell us it was candise, she would know we’d do something about it! Anyways, Lauren told Pam that candise pretty much told her that she buggered something up and that she (candise) was afraid to go to rehearsal) good, bitch. And then on Friday when we had an impromptu rehearsal Kristina took her (my) costume home to iron it, as she was supposed to that day. Do you really think cherie would? So then cherie is looking all over for it and cannot find it, and lo and behold guess where it was? In the wardrobe, right the fuck where it is supposed to be. And who did cherie go running to? Just guess, I dare you. Ha! I knew you’d get it right. And what did he do? Yell at me! Degrade me! Tell me that Kristina and I are plotting against cherie! I don’t care enough about her to do anything, doesn’t he get that. He was the one saying those without costume go on stage naked, well, so then why does cherie get the golden treatment and make me phone Kristina to find it. Hypocritical bastard! On a lighter note, I shall continue with the rest of my Friday/ Saturday. 6 o’clock: around here we are getting out of rehearsal and going to Chelsey’s house. I have this huge headache that carried on throughout rehearsal, so I went to her bed, climbed in, and fell asleep. I only intended of resting, not actually sleeping, but meh! Ducky had said that he would be in at about 5:30 p.m. ish, so when it was 6:30 we didn’t worry. Ducky is ALWAYS late, lol. But then it was 7. 7 o’clock: somewhere around here Ducky called, said they were 45 minutes out of town. Chelsey and I started to get ready. We ate, did make up, got Chelsey's outfit ready. They detoured. 10 o’clock: almost on the nose does Brandyn call us, saying he is out the house. Meanwhile, we had been trying to call him and checking the window every time a loud car went by, we even heard phantom cars. Ones where we hoped were them, but were really nothing. So, brandy brings two friends; Tlyer, a chubby guy, not very attractive, wearing an odd shirt and Bjorn. Aaahhh Bjorn……later about Bjorn. Tyler wants weed so I call all over trying to find it but since it’s so late it doesn’t work out. Then we go into Chelsey’s house and we try to get her a late curfew, didn’t work, so she’s to be home at 2, me…anytime. We go to this arena of Bishop to get Kyle but we were locked out, so we waited outside by the carnival where all this ugly prissy girls were. O I wanted to kick them and gouge their eyes. O well. So we get lost following Kyle to this party (Bjorn drives so slowly!) and we have to wait at this McDonald’s. I was told we were on the wrong street so I couldn’t find us on my map, Christ. Chels knew and she was like, go this way, but no one listened to her. Go Chels! Ha-ha. So we get to this party, walk in, and it’s this, orgy of people trying to walk around and chill and get drunk. Not enticing at all! So we go to get beer and then were like, lets go some where else. And Brandyn said ‘To Chelsey’s’ so we went. We were sitting outside her back door, drinking beer until 5:30 a.m.. it was great. Then Kyle slept in his car (he joined us later), Tyler slept in Bjorn’s car, and Bjorn and Brandyn slept in Chelsey’s basement while we two slept in her room. When we woke the next morn, we woke the boys up, snuggled some, and then went to Kyle’s house for breakfast, lol. Now, about Bjorn. Sweet, sweet Bjorn. What a cute buy, he really is, he was really quiet the entire night until we got some booze in him, then he loosened up. I was so cold, had Chelsey’s sweats and a sweater on, then my shirt and sweater, and I was still cold so I asked Bjorn for his sweater. He he he he, then when it was just us four he came and sat by me and we snuggled while Chelsey and Brandyn did. Then we four or 2X2 just talked for w while till Chelsey’s dad came out and we got the boys ready fro bed. Brandyn was incessant that we stay and snuggle for a while longer, so we did, and we were all spooned together when her mum called from up the stairs. We got out of that bed so fast! Hahahaha! Then we went to bed. When we woke we went downstairs to cuddle again. Funny, her dad was down there and walking round, doing dishes and whatnot and never said anything about 2 girl and 2 boys cuddling in the same bed, together, in heterosexual pairings. Odd. When we went to breakfats at Kyle's house, Brandyn was in Kyle's car, or was last night, so that when we went home and I dorve shot gun in Bjorn's car *blush* I notticed somethign shine. The lighter. I swear, that boys looses that lighter everythime he comes to the city, by one os us three girls, fuck, hahaha, wonder when he will notice! I do hope that we can do it again, Chels, we’ll have to do it again! Just sitting outside in your yard was great! And if my trailer thing works out a bunch of us can all go down! Esty, do me a favor, tell me everything and try to find out as much as possible about me through Brandyn, from Bjorn! Wooo Hooo! LAST DAY AT SPEROS!!! By the way, got my nose pierced, love it!!!!! Gotta see it Pamela!!!

It’s so late. And I do not mean only the time. It’s been ages since I have been on here. Ages since the beginning of the play. I have many things I want to talk about. 1) Home 2) Work 3) Europe trip 4) Boys 5) School / New friends 6) The play 7) Miscellaneous bitching/commenting 1) Home I guess much isn’t going on at home. I mean, I'm never really there, what with my busy schedule. But when I am here it’s not so bad. I wake almost every morning to the yellings of my step-sisters and/or step-father. It’s easy to ignore, I'm in such a daze I can’t tell whether or not I’ve put my underwear on inside out. I get very little sleep, which results in a short temper. Something I must remedy. I'm trying to pay back my mother, grandmother and Leigh- Ann so I don’t have to have much contact with the former 2. I pay them back; they can’t bother me about it, or hold it over my head. I hate that. We got a new dog. This Pomeranian/Chihuahua mix. She’s kind of cute. But I'm no fan of animals, to much mess. *Note  really, who books off works o they can go on the computer at 5 in the fucking morning? Honestly Dave, if you wanted the fucking computer why did you wait until day break? For fucks sake, I just got off work, you’ve had all night! Have some fucking consideration! 2) Work I have two jobs now. The first is at Spero’s Burgers and Fries. It’s not so bad, I used to work there before but quit because of school. The hours are horrid. Weekends, 6pm to 3:30 am and one weeknight, 6 pm to 2 am. It hurts me. My back legs and feet ache after the night. I may quit. I get no rest with this job. My second one is at Ipsos. It’s this telephone market research company. I call people and do surveys. The hours are nice, I'm at my house by midnight, latest. It’s not a very taxing jog, you have a script to read and memorized lines (within the first shift pretty much) that you say, should something go wrong outside of the script. If I had to choose I think I would quit Spero’s, I only get minimum wage whereas Ipsos is 8.25/hr. But Spero’s is more fun, and closer to home whereas Ipsos is far and boring. But then again Spero would book me everyday in summer *sigh*. 3) Europe Trip I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing it was. At first I was kind of bored, nothing really fazed me. Our school group was so boring. And then Pam and I started to hang out with the Ashern group. Ashern is a little town a couple of hours away from Winnipeg. The people there are amazing! So alive, so exciting, so full of, full of what everyone in the play is missing. That little bit of childhood innocence. They live out in the country, so they can party in a bush each night, we can’t. They can have fun every night. The small group of people Pam and I hung out with gave me something, gave me, I don’t know quite what. I would actually smile for no reason; smiling and laughing came easy to me. I was amazed. There was a bunch of drama between Leigh-Ann, Leanne and I a couple of times. I don’t really care though. I'm over it, was ages ago. The sights we saw were breathtaking, the trips we took, so relaxing. Except one time when I had to pee SO badly I made the bus stop at a rest stop so I could pee. It was cold out and they don’t have toilet seats, so it was straight porcelain fro me, and, no toilet paper. *sigh* The Mediterranean Sea was gorgeous. I loved it. So clean, so beautiful, the rocks were lovely on the bottom of my feet. I felt so young, so free, so careless. Like I had no responsibilities to tend to anywhere, ever. Pam and I would often go and hang out with certain Ashern boys; Brandyn: The Flirt. Brandyn flirted with all the girls and was constantly making Allen jealous with Pam. He was nice when he wanted to be, a jerk when he wanted to be, but he was comic relief, some one who would always make me laugh. Devin: The Shy Boy. Devin was a year younger than us. He was always so quite, wouldn’t do much or say much, but he was so cute and when tickled, his laugh was contagious. I’ve never seen anyone laugh like Devin does. Jesse: Weird Boy. Jesse was the epitome of humor. He would often just stare at you, and then turn away, just fro your reaction. Hilarious. If Jesse was in the room, you were bound to laugh. Allan: Puppy #1. I swear, Pam would walk in the room and he would get a hard on. Ok, so it wasn’t that bad, but the tension felt like it. Allen liked Pam, Pam has a boyfriend she loves and adores, Brandyn and Pam would flirt, and Allen would glare. If looks could kill I’d be attending a few funerals. Ian: Puppy #2. I don’t know what was up with Ian, but he and Allen followed Pam and I almost everywhere. I would turn around and see Ian there. Ti was like Allen was Pam’s and Ian was my puppy. Lol. Bena: Religious Boy. That kid had something like 3 bibles with him on the trip. He was so nice, so funny, so naïve. I felt so old just standing beside Bena. I know I’m missing other people. I'm just so tired, I cannot remember. I miss them all so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have befriended them. Then I wouldn’t have to sit in purgatory. The best thing was I got my nipple pierced. I have wanted it for yeas, and I finally got it done, in Italy, for 25 Euro, which is like 35-ish Canadian. 4) Boys Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. I hate boys, yet I like them. I wish they would die, yet I wish that they would stay with me always. Maybe you didn’t know this, but there has been something between Darcy and I for quite a number of years. I denied him when he asked me out a couple years ago, then he dated Sammi. Do I have the right to tell him I know longer want him in my life? It’s hard to sit here, and feel something for someone and I don’t know what it is. I always wanted him to ask me out, then he did and all I could do is run. All I ever do is run and I hate it. I'm 17 years old and I don’t even think I’ve been in love. That saddens me. No summer fling, so dating, no relationships, so anything. Just bare empty space. I’m thinking of giving Darcy the last thing that I have that connects him to me. I’ve gotten rid of everything else, but the photo album I cannot throw away. I know he’s hooked on Sammi and I hate him more for it. She’s such a bitch to him, and it hurts to stand by and watch him. He’s so pitiful I always dreamed of Darcy and I getting married and growing old. And then I stopped dreaming. Then there are other boys who crush on me and I feel nothing but sympathy for them. Why would they delude themselves into thinking I'm something spectacular? I'm just plain old Randi. Some boys from Ashern would be interesting to date, always fun, but so far away. It is unlikely anyway. I can squash that dream right now. 5) School / New Friends School isn’t that bad. I have 4 classes so the home work can get a bit hectic at times. Ok I lied, it’s hectic all the time, I just don’t have the energy to do this anymore. I cannot wait to get out of school so I can sleep, I want to sleep for years! Maybe I’ll talk to the councilors about it… As I mentioned, I hung out with Pam a lot. We’re becoming better friends and I am glad for it. Pam is a really great and fun girl to hang around with. It came from the Europe trip, I'm so glad I went :) and now it continued over to school. Another friendship is mine and Chelsey. I'm so happy we are talking again. We would talk before yes, but not about anything important. It was always mundane boring things. Nothing of importance at all. I missed her, lots. We always had lots of fun together, just reckless abandon type of fun. Didn’t matter what the outcome was till we got it. We would spend hours together watching Disney and playing card games. That’s a friendship you keep. Not one where you have to put your make-up on and dress stylish for. But the sweatpants, yesterdays makeup, hair all frazzled, lets go get Dairy Queen kind of friendship. Yup defiantly a keeper. 6) The Play My God I want to cry some days. Just break down and cry and cry. Last you heard Candise and I were directing. Well she was kicked off due to a power trip and lack of respect to anyone. It wasn’t so bad at the beginning, stress wise. But it’s built now. A couple of weeks before show time and then, and then everything. Candise is an actor now, she plays a role she doesn’t suit, and cannot fit the mold no matter how hard she tries. Or does she try? A lot of the actors just don’t care anymore. They wont return next year, don’t show up for rehearsal and give a half assed attempt when they do. I hate it, so much, what more can I do to inspire you? I'm running out of ideas. There are a few problem people. Let me list them for you. Candise: we know this already. I just, hate her. Period. That’s all to it, she just grates on my nerves. And what’s worse is that she is favored by Matwichuk so she gets away with a lot. I hate it. Cherie: Christ what is wrong with that God Damned girl! She doesn’t know her lines, she doesn’t know her blocking, staging, entrances, exits, you name it and she probably has no clue! Her makeup committee is fucking everything up left right and center and I'm getting the blame for it, saying I’ve had conversations I, coincidentally, don’t remember. As if I would remember all other conversations when prompted but not his one. How convenient. And then Cherie runs to Matwichuk, who favors her also, saying I’m calling her some alcoholic and that she drinks too much, FUCK OFF YOU CUNT! I said don’t drink so much WHILE SICK!! Wand what happens? She drinks and becomes seriously ill, but is there a problem? O no, I am in the wrong as always. I hate it, That’s all I want to get into for now for specific people. But then there’s general things. I always had the insecurity I would royally fuck this up permanently. I was always told no I wouldn’t. And now that no one enjoys themselves I think it even more. Then, I hear through the grapevine that everyone blames me for the play going to wrong and that no one enjoys themselves. My self worth just dropped down to pocket level. People think I am the source of their frustration, anger, resentment, and problems. How can one little person achieve evoking so many emotions in so many people with a short span of time? It’s like they are a collective, a big black whole promising to consume me. I don’t care for the play anymore. I could care less if we pass or fail normally, but friends depend on the credit for school and so I must do my best for them. But how sad is it that the Director just doesn’t give a fuck anymore? Doesn’t care whether or not people know their lines or blocking. Its 2 weeks before the show and people are just now realizing they need to kick up the responsibility. Great job guys. At least I had a small group of you going good from the beginning. Ha-ha, those who can read this! 7) Miscellaneous what-have-yous On Thursday night Chelsey and I were going to go to Ashern for a party and come back EARLY next morn for school. There was some confusion with rumor/hearsay again and Pam was really mad at us for ‘skipping school’ she was more mad at Chelsey though and I don’t know why not me. But then Chelsey and I couldn’t go and we had sleepover secrets planned, so we went to West view school to plan what we would then do (racking up long distance calling charges) and drinking a beer. It was so funny, we said some stupid stuff that didn’t make sense that I wish I could remember. Things like what I said on the way to the LC “Hey look, they still have snow! Ha-ha…oh wait, its just rocks…” LMAO! We laughed so hard, I felt like such a blond. But its what I’ve missed most about Chels, the stupid shit we said and did. I think I'm going to go to bed now. But I guess a basic over view of me? I just want to cry right now. Make everything all peachy again. But I can’t. I am too strong willed. Damn me. I feel so thin, so worn, like when I sleep I shall never wake. I wish it were so. Can people slip into comas if the become to exhausted?

No body in the drama production can say they know nothing of passion. You walk into the drama room and you can feel it. The passion, the energy, the fire that burns within everyone, taking over them, and covering them in evil. It leaks off of them, in long slime strands. That feeling of adrenalin that courses through you, that, that my dears is Passion. That strong emotion that begs you to do something to release it. Do anything to make itself known. A haunting thing, ever present, ever burning. To set it free; expulsion. To bury it within; implosion. What shall we do, neh? Quite the little conundrum we have here don’t we? X X X X Oh, hey, did you know that I'm sabotaging the play? Yup that’s what he says, that I'm intentionally sabotaging the play and then I am letting you all drown. He said that me being idle is bringing down the play and that I encourage maligning gossipers to continue their great work. Wonderful, as if I wasn’t feeling useless enough. I don’t think he realizes that people have commitments outside of this production. I told him that I had household commitments to attend to. What did he say? ”You know the schedule months in advance!” You know what; I also knew I’d be working months in advance. Beat that asshole. OH! I'm sorry girls, I'm poisoning you! I must stop and repent, fore that is the only way to cure the feelings of the weak. He says that Kristina is weak for crying…Cherie is weak for walking out for an entire week. Don’t you dare talk about weak you sexist, arrogant bastard! He always protects the girls, the ones that have won his favoritism. That’s ok, he favors the talent-less wonders. So that’s ok, after the show, I’ll be happy to be out of their hair. I am not even sure if I will be going to class after the play. Just one more week girls. Hang on for one more week! We should have our own cast party after the show, I'm not really sure if I want to hang out with immature people who cannot handle their alcohol and I do not think I will keep my anger in if I am drunk and see cherie. I really think I would kick her ass if she provoked me whilst drunk. The only reason I would go would be to see everyone look like a fool, because that is all they ever do look like. I wish we could have on big bitch fest, right after the show, I would love that. Ooo! After the show, instead of going with them to wherever they are going, let’s go to Olive Garden! Yum yum yum, that would be Wonderful! When they are old and ripe with age, I should hope their journey is painful; Hell shall keep them, and their companions warm. That was 5 ‘maligning’ things guys. Now I have to go find another way of dealing with my anger and repeater it 5 times.

She would undermine me because she speculated I was spreading rumors. She didn’t do work because I was being ‘rude’ and ‘inappropriate’ to her. She would deliberately be a bitch because of some ludicrous idea she imagined and blew up out of proportion…all putting me to blame! And I'm picking on her? I am picking on CHERIE? Are you blind? Don’t you fucking see what that fucking cunt is doing!? NO! YOUR NOT THERE ALL THE TIME!! You see the occasional time when she goes on stage on that is it! Nothing! And when she and you are both there, simultaneously, she’s off doing some ‘make-up work’. Bullshit! How much work can you do by talking with people when you should, and COULD have done that if you went to the other rehearsals! O, sorry, hypocrite, I guess since I don’t go to all of them I cannot ask others to do so. Right, bad Randi, you were wrong again. So its inappropriate of us to think she deserve some kind of punishment for her week leave of absence, but not for her to leave for a week without saying anything to ANYONE and expect to just waltz back in. I don’t think so. You shall never hear the end of this. Never. He shook his head when I said I would not forgive her for quite some time. How dare he. He doesn’t even know what she has actually done. I got in trouble when, behind the curtain in a low voice said Cherie was a cunt and she didn’t even say anything to him about not giving a ‘shit’. I bet she didn’t even hint that she said that. Not at all. I don’t think he’d care; he sure didn’t when I told him she didn’t have one of her dresses. Asked if it were possible to give her something else. We have a week! You dumbass! That’s what happens when you leave incompetents to do work that’s means so much. Doesn’t have a fucking costume and says she can go onstage. Thinks we should ‘salvage’ her if we could ‘salvage’ Brittany. Brittany was over ages ago. She doesn’t create problems anymore. YOU DO! Kill them all. I work at Speros tonight. I really don’t want to. Some nights I think, hey, I don’t need a social life; it would just be lovely to have one. That way I can get lots of hours and then pay off all my debts in record time! But then I am exhausted the next day, and that I cannot stay awake, and concentrate. And I don’t get to hang out with people and they get mad at me. But then my mother brings up the fact that I owe money, and rubs it in and Dave is being an ass in general and the computer is fucked up and I cant get any homework done. I haven't seen my bedroom floor for weeks, my underwear stock is dwindling and my clean clothes aren’t so clean. The laundry take forever to do and I just don’t have time to be there when the dryer goes off, but then they stay ad get wrinkled and I don’t like others doing my laundry. Grr. I'm all frazzled and lost concentration.

Kill Cherie! Just cut that fucking bitches head off! I hate her sooooo much. I want her out of the play so much guys. Who does she think she is, really? I mean, I don’t mean to go on a power trip, if that’s what anyone is thinking or saying, but when Matwichuk leaves me in charge when he is not there, and even if he IS there, if I say I need you on stage, you bloody well go! I don’t care of your throwing up chunks! Keep a bucket by you! I don’t care if you’re * really mad right now* leave it at that door. She says that she was sitting back there the whole time…BULL FUCKING SHIT!! That’s it! I'm sick of her and will do everything in my power to get her to do the lowest possible job in this play. And then candise! Oh! Why the fuck does she think that she can come on stage and try to explain the situation to us when we’re right in the midst of it!!! As if she would veer have anything useful and insightful ever come from her lips! Just tear her to fucking pieces!!! Both of them! Any who. Now that that is all said and done with. Chelsey and I went to drop off her resume at tinker town, was fun as hell. We got a tad lost, but then I was like, Randi: o hey, I know this road….kinda….turn here. Chelsey: What? Right here? Randi” yup, there *points* Then we go and its alllll better. We tried to find the perimeter that way and concluded perimeter is the same as by-pass. So now we know for now to go another way for Ashern. We want to go out there, Pam and Chelsey and I, one weekend (Pam, we haven't told you yet!) just for the day, on say a Saturday, really early, and spend the day there. Get used to being in another environment. Drive around, and get used to getting there and back. That way Chelsey and Pam’s parents won’t freak so much, they’ll just say we’re going on a day picnic or something and be home for midnight. I’ll just say I'm going out for the day and that’ll be that. My ‘parents’ don’t care much. Its great for some things, but sometimes I wish she’d care a bit. A nice fantasy, but I have grown used to it. I don’t think I would want it really, not when I'm used to this freedom. I really want to go visit them all. Brandyn comes down to go the bar every so often but A) I want to see other people B) I'm not old enough to go to the bar with them and C) I dunno, felt like putting C Andrew might be coming to Canada at end of June!!! Makes me happy! I’d love to see him! I am talking to him now, haven't in ages. Its nice, I love talking to Andrew. And Darcy, that bastard. It’s so hard to read that boy. I can never tell what he thinks or what he means by what he says. Am contemplating just telling him I like him and let him go from there. Think that would be my best bet. I'm no good at the flirting and the games and whatnot. I'm no Slytherin, Gryffindor boldness and stupidity is the way to go! WOOO HARRY POTTER # 6!!!! 98 days till I'm 18!!!

I just checked my clock and it was 3 pm a couple of days ago. Its 3 am today. That much must be obvious. I got back from work a while ago. About 2 30 or 2 45 ish. Then I spent the last little bit looking at all the BULLSHIT that Spitter wrote in her diary, I'm telling you Toots, its BULLSHIT. Really, would I lie? The most blunt of us all? Damn right I would not! And all the fat jokes where made because it was obvious you weren’t, people saw the humor in it. :D in the hopes of not sounding to cliché, your wonderful the way you are, as is Chelsey and Kristina! Anywho. I don’t really care about rehearsal anymore. I figured it out. I stopped caring when I started trying to please everyone. Its no longer my dream, no longer a gorgeous fantasy played in my head, but a drawn out pile of rubbish everyone tried to shove together. It didn’t work and look where we are? Nowhere pleasant. I can’t wait until it’s done. Even though I am not there a lot I know that the stress will drop ten fold. Merely thinking of it makes my head swirl. About two more weeks, YAY! School is piddling along…copied off Kristina for my bio test, if I didn’t I wouldn’t have been able to answer question 1! Thanks a ton babe! My math is dragging a bit. Got good marks on my last quiz, but the test is tomorrow, I’m not ready, not ready at all. I don’t care about drama, and I know my English will be bad. I don’t want it to be. I enjoy that class and the assignments we do, but not the due dates. I want class time to get me started, time to do these things but I cannot! I just can’t make all these things fit in 24 hours. We need more hours in a day! Works is iffy. Ipsos is good. I got a really good review in all areas except one, so if I get ‘very good’ in all three areas (not hard) for three consecutive reviews I graduate! That means a raise!!!! Yay!!!! I’m excited. Then again there’s Speros. Such bad hours, but I enjoy the bar rush, plus its close. I’m not sure which I’ll quit. Now ladies, you three are the ONLY THREE who can read this, so if word gets out I shall kill you! *sigh * I like Darcy. Again? Still? I’m not sure. I think it is in the Still category. I know that when he dated sammi I wanted to tear her limb from limb and then when I heard whispers of Pam liking him I wanted to rip her limb from limb. No offence Spitter!!! I still love ya! So, now I have no idea what to do! Darcy is he only person I will allow myself to like. Every other boy I find problems with. Oh you know things like, we’re not compatible, our schedules always conflict, he lives in England, he’s too immature, he’s to young, he, too, live sin England, he’s just plain creepy, and other things of the like. So girls I leave half of me at your tender mercy. Emphasis on the tender. Tender Tender. OH! Side track! Randi: o look, suckers! They’ve still got snooooo wait. That’s just rocks, ha ha. Chelsey: what the fuck? Both : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Randi: Damn I’m blond. Back to business, that’s when Chelsey and I went to the LC to get some booze to go to a party we never really went to. So we ended up drinking a bottle of beer in the park. Was fun. I'm excited to go camping this summer. First is the July long weekend Pam invited us all too, btw, I booked it off :D, I just will call Ipsos in sick and make it up :D well I’m going to go to bed. So um, well, any advice on Darcy, I’m begging here, in the most humble way possible, you know I’ll deny it if you ask in front of others. Discretion is key! By the way, kill matwichuck.

I’m going to try and go on here more often. It’s a nice way to vent and let everyone know what’s going on without the confrontation. I'm no good with confrontations. I loose the ability to make fluid sentences and sound articulate. And then I feel foolish, which brings my self-esteem down and its one big viscous cycle. I woke today at 2 pm. I'm so mad; I wanted to wake up earlier. I’ll have to set my alarm and actually get up for it. I would like to learn to meditate, that way if I don’t have a bed I can still let my body rest. I may look into that. I think it would neat to go and live in Tibet with monks and learn their ways. I just don’t know if I could handle the praying. There are so many things that I want to do. Like life adventure things and just simple everyday things. I want to travel all over, backpack here and there, and go back to Italy! And I also want to clean my room. Start to unload all my childish things I don’t use, things of innocence I try to hold onto. I’d like to start getting things ready to move out. Start buying dishes and linens and the like. Bathroom things and other little things we who live at home take advantage of. I would like a camera, digital and video. I just bought an MP3 player, so I should be able to get rid of a bunch of my old c.d.’s and what not. I also need to go through my clothes and finally get rid of things I don’t wear. I hate how I keep things, and it’s mostly so I don’t hurt other people’s feelings. Like the shirt and sweater my Grandma bought me. They are so ugly yet I keep them. I'm talking to this guy on MSN. He is from Ipsos. I don’t really like him yet he would like to get together some time. I don’t really want to. He says that if we were to go do something I would have to wear something sexy. Nice buddy. I do hope you don’t wonder why you have no girlfriend. I almost pity you now, too. Maybe, just maybe I can tell him I have a boyfriend already. Or that I am seeing someone! O that would be wonderful. Now who would this man be? Anyway. I'm going to try and do something about my room, I have to find a way to get my clothes somehow organized, they create the biggest problem. I have drawers that are full, but I don’t like using them anyways. Ha-ha. Then I have to go to work, at Speros this time. *sigh*

It’s still not enough. No matter what I do, no matter how I strive, its never enough for them. What more can I do for you. I'm nice to you, I make an effort to be nice to you. I'm not snide, I'm not rude, I smile, and its cracking my face! More auditions tomorrow, Candise won’t be there. Maybe that would be better. I think I got the short straw in this deal. It seems that the majority of work that needs to be done is passed down to her. I was supposed to create, and she organizes. Its like she’s doing both and I'm kinda, doing nothing. Oh well, its all I'm worth anyways. I'm wearing thin again. Emotions, moods and masks are all getting thin. Not so much the masks. Its not so hard to put them on, except my happy mask. That one will take some time to get used to. But that’s okay, I have all year to practice. Good news. I lost weight, then I gained it, now I lost it again. I am so happy. I am closer to my goal. The friend I had been searching for, I found. I don’t feel bad for finding her. Isn't that bad? Doesn’t that mean there is something wrong with me? Shouldn’t that mean I am not right? But that’s okay. Its always okay, cause who cares if its not. I've lost my focus. That’s typical. That’s alright.

It’s been a long time since I've been here. If I had been, you would have noticed the change in me. Or would you? School started again. My classes are all right. They are much different from what I am used to. But I am coping. The play has begun. I am co-directing with Candise. I'm a little bit skeptic because her working habits are much different than my own. I am worried that I will do something to offend her. She does not take well with being ignored, or her ideas being ignored and that will happen a lot with two directors. Just like I know a lot of my ideas will be null. I am also worried about my cast. We have a lot of delicate people this year and I do not wish to offend them. Even though by saying this they are all most likely offended. Oh well, I cannot please everyone and this is too please myself. Casting people was hard. We do not have everyone yet, though we almost do. A lot of people will not be happy with their role. But that is mainly due to their one-minded-ness. I admit I was like that until I actually saw them in their audition. Everyone did so well in them. They think they did horrible because they messed up. I believe that is what makes a wonderful audition. It gives it more character and a more in depth look at how one handles a situation. I am very anxious to start rehearsals. But I have to miss next Fridays meeting because of work. I need to work so much to go on the Europe trip. I'm afraid that if I have to stop working around Christmas, I will not be able to go. That will be very disappointing. This is something I really wanted to do, like directing, its not something I can see myself willingly missing. I hope I can go, I’ll just have to fundraise like crazy. Work isn't bad. It’s more tedious than I remember. I have to do so much work a ten-year-old should be able to do. Speaking of ten-year-olds…I hate my sisters. Did they become more idiotic or me less tolerable? I would like to think I am more tolerable seeing as a babysat two nine-year-old twins (one with ADD) and a ten-year-old. The transition between my sisters and those kids was a hard one. I hope I don’t have to baby-sit the cast this year. I would like to hope the majority is my friends, or are friends in name and can comprehend things like, clean up after yourself and be quiet. Last year was horrible, but this years cast wasn’t the trouble then, save a few sparse times. Summer was hard. Three people who were in my ‘Friends’ catalogue were demoted to ‘Lost’, ‘Forgotten’, and “What Happened There?” That was hard. But I think it helped me move past my depressed state of being. I am so much better now and am happy for it. I'm glad to be happy. Lol. I don’t know how losing people helped me. Maybe it was just the realization of something that was coming from long ago. Those people were the main focus of my summers. Always. It was so weird to not have them. I didn’t work an odd job so I can’t blame it on that. Oh well, maybe it is for the best. One of my friends is anorexic. I am worried because I heard her mother will let her drop school because of “the pressures of being thin”. And boy is she ever thin. She will waste away to nothing. I will have to make another category named “deceased” just for her, for I know, emotionally or physically, that is how she will end. The pressures of society, o how I loathe them. Shall read Harry Potter, the bright light at the end of my tunnel.

I spent the whole day doing absolutely nothing. Typical: P It doesn't matter so much any more. I guess you can say I got used to the idea of doing nothing. It gives me a lot of time to think, and to read. I love to read. I'll read pretty much anything you put in front of my. I read your Diary name, I read your entry titles, and those who are online. I read your entries if they manage to woo me, and pull me down into your world. And what does it take to woo me? A lot, some people may say. But in reality, it isn't much at all. A catch phrase, a witty remark, a clever rebuttal. Not much. I strive on the picturesque vision of words. As you sit and tell me of your day I see you. I see you at the store, picking the fruit or at school, struggling over your exam. I see the concentration on your face, the small details you yourself forget to mention. I see it, because you started the story. And it is a wondrous story. I see the joy in your eyes when you tell me a funny story and I see the pain as you tell me of the last time your father had too much drink. I can see his face, screwed up with fury and rage, as he pulls you by your hair and throws you down the stairs. I can see how your mother turns her head and watched TV, as I watch you bawl and curse the drink. I also see you take that same drink, and loose yourself in it, for lack of happy thoughts. I see it when you lie to me, and make excuses to turn away. I hear it in your voice as you stutter to find a way out. I see the worry lines on a mother to scared to let go, and I see the scar lines on a girl who’s mother never held on tight enough. There are many things in this world that I would love to see, but unfortunately they are all in your head, my friend. So write me, call me, talk to me, something! Anything! Give me a reason why many colored elephants should be called Rainbow Elephants rather Multi-colored Elephants. Or even about they sky, how quickly it can go from a sunny paradise to a broken souls best friend, pouring rain and blustering heat. Or maybe just a calm day at the park. Watching families having a picnic and enjoy their mid day snacl. Or maybe, just maybe you can tell me what you think, yes, you.

Broken indeed. I don’t know how to start this so I might as well just jump in. A lot has happened since I’ve last been on. Got caught shoplifting. Temporarily lost my job. Lost my friends. Formed a crush on someone. Let’s start with item one; got caught shoplifting. Well, there isn’t much to say, only that I don’t feel wrong. I don’t feel bad, no remorse. Nothing. Does that mean that something is wrong with me, the other who was caught with me couldn’t stand to look at her mum in the eye. And me? I spoke to mine about all of her stupid crafts and shit she does in her ample spare time. She said, Mother that is, that I could have gotten her into a lot of trouble doing that. She could have been sued and/ or had to pay a fine. Yadda yadda yadda. Its all about her, its always about her. For once couldn’t she have sat there and said “Why did you do this? Do I not spend enough time with you? Do I not know my own daughter enough to not trust her in a mall? What can I do to make this better for you?” Maybe it is all just a cry for help. So, Mother, why aren’t you helping me? Or do you still not see? Item two; temporarily lost my job. It was a t a dance studio. I was the secretary, but now the classes are done and I have nothing to do anymore, no play, no work. I don’t have another job and I am going insane in the silence that clouds my head when I have nothing to think of but what my imagination brings me. Which isn't always bad. I mean, sometimes the imagination I a wonderful thing, but when I can make up something so much better than my scarce dreams, why should I sleep? Why sleep when living is a dream and why dream when I can walk through my mind and not be terrified of what is really out there? I need to find something else to occupy my mind. Item three; loss of friends. Well, it is simple as well, not much to say. They have no reason to stay around and so they don’t. For what could I possibly offer them, which they cannot get from someone more suitable? What do I have but anime? Nothing, nothing I say and that is all I get in return. I have no true friends. They are all people who know of me, but not truly know me, and recede back into their own life once I am no longer needed. How I loathe to admit these things. How I loathe admitting that I miss my elementary school friends. I miss the simplicity of having a best friend who looked, sounded and was like you in so many ways it was hard to tell us apart. I hate to admit that I want to be back with them, in the beautiful, full social lives. Where they have a boyfriend every three months like a normal teenage girl. The only thing that I hate more, is that I know that I can never go back to be a Barbie, I am forever stuck as an outcast. Item four; the sudden formation of a crush. What can I say? Your ice queen is slipping. Usually when I form a crush it take me no longer than a week to find everything possibly wrong with them. But not this time. It was weird I just went to bed one day and I thought of many people, and he was one of the many I did think of, and when I woke that morning I knew, I just knew, that even though I don’t remember my dreams, he filled them. And now, I talk to him every chance I get. Our friends tease me and he has no idea. No bloody idea at all. And I hate it. I hate this stupid crush. I hate how it takes of useless mind power and space. I can be doing other things than of thinking of him. I hate sitting in Limbo, wondering if he likes me too. But it doesn’t matter. I know right now we cannot be, I just have to find something wrong with him, and then I can move on. But why is it so hard to find that one thing that can make me turn away forever? Why has it all of a sudden become so unnatural to be cruel to someone for the benefit of me? Why do I have to be the saddest, when in lust? Shouldn’t I be happy? Can’t I be happy, and think of rainbows and fairies and other such holy things? And where have all the unicorns gone? When it is now that I need one most. Is it true that the Red Bull has indeed chased them down the paths long walked and into the sea? Or was it man who stole her, and her horn, putting her on for show, giving her a fake horn so man can see what a beauty she is. But, alas, I do not want something innocent and pure, no matter how much I may need it. what I want is something to take my innocence away. For I have already paid the price in blood, I now want my prize. Fuck the unicorns, fuck the illusions, give my something that wont fade away, that wont go away, I want it to erase the pain and keep me coming back for more and take my feet from planting to the floor. Give me something real, something eternal.

I don’t know why, but everything is going to the shits. Nearly every night I'm crying, and nearly every night I'm up till 2. But not tonight, nope. Tonight I still cried. A bit harder than usual, with no reason as usual. It was weird cause I woke up two hours later, at one, and I still cannot get to sleep. It’s three am. And I had a dream, I think. And I think I wasn’t alone, cause I woke up with the hollow feeling in me, not so hollow, and enough room on my bed for one more person. I had half my body hanging off of my single bed, leaving the other half. Something you would never catch me doing dead. I had another talk with Matwichuk. His wife wants to go for coffee with me. And I don’t really want to. He said that my body language changes when around her, and I know I do. But the truth is, its not because I trust her more, or because I like her more. It’s more because I see her as a weak little cancer patient that needs to be coddled and babied. I do it because she wants it, needs it in a sense. She doesn’t have any children, whether its because she cant or he cant, I'm not sure. But I hate being their surrogate child. It breaks my heart to know that I will leave and never see them again. Yes, Randi the Ice Queen, will show compassion for other peoples feelings. Just that once, lol. Not too long ago, Chelsey and I kicked Candise out of our dance group. We wanted to do a ballet/hip hop thing, and didn’t want Candise in there. I don’t know why she didn’t want her, but I don’t like her egotistical ways, and messed up version of dancing. I cant really handle much more of it. It gets into me and I want to rip her hair out. I cant help. I would really like to not be this way, cause sometimes, when her bruised ego doesn’t get in the way, she can be quite nice. But alas, I cannot help her. Work has been Hell. I seemed to fuck up a couple of times. Slacking off, doing things half-assed. People come in looking for information and I stumble over my words, not telling them the right things, though I know what I should say. But my mouth works faster than my brain. Oh well, only two weeks till recital. Then back to Speros I guess. I hope. I need a job if I'm gonna go to Europe. I think, after I graduate, I may go to London and visit friend there for a while. Just cause I don’t want to go straight to school. And cause I don’t know what I want to go into. Co-op is the worst thing for me. I have no idea what to do, and my meeting is next week. So that means I have to find a career I would like to pursue in the next week and a half. I have no idea what to do. What to go into. I'm probably going to fail that as well. Like I did math. And life. And everything else I try. People say they are here for me and that I'm not alone, and I know that they will be there for me. I can see them, there, waiting for me to say something that will enlighten them into the mind of one Randi Makayev. But I don’t trust them, and fuck up, like always. Speaking of fucking up…I broke the keyboard today. Woo hoo. Typical me behavior. I was on the computer (obviously), and Natasha wanted to go on. I as trying to tell her I was talking to a friend that I barely get to talk to and she kept on saying “Huh? Huh?” over and fucking over when all she had to do was get up off her fucking ass and say “Pardon me Randi?” when she got INTO the den. But no, she didn’t, so I turned round to tell her to fuck off in the nicest way possible, thus making the back of the chair hit the cup, the cup tipping, spilling coffee all over. Then my Mother had the decency to come and tell me how much SHE was gonna hear about this mess when Dave gets back from the Pas. As if I didn’t know how much Dave would be pissed off. I live for it half the time. Only that much closer to a heart attack. But I don’t do it on purpose. To much energy to be angry, better off with no feeling, no energy wasted. But I know how it will go. He will come back, notice this ugly, old keyboard here, and wonder what’s wrong with the new one. Then Mother will tell him I broke it (I don’t really care), and he will stick round till I get back from work. He will yell at me, call me an idiot for drinking in the den, and I will not care throw money at him, and attempt to leave. He won’t care for the money, because then he cannot use it against me. He cannot then say “Well, I had to buy a new keyboard after you wrecked the one we had.” Even though we can use this one, he has to have his computer all decked out and fancy as he can afford. Although we need a shower, and half the bathroom redone, a new kitchen floor, walls painted, carpet cleaned, better insulation, the roof fixed, and a list of other things. Oh well. I'm a horrible person living in a horrible house. I guess its only right. How many sins does it take to be sent to Hell? Cause if lying is a sin, I think I'm done in. Funny how the times when I laughed are catching up to me. When I once saw and felt, good, happy, pretty, and thing, I now feel like shit. A horrible, disgusting, fat disgrace of a human being. And I hate how Matwichuk will talk to anyone about this. That is the only reason Lisa wants to go to coffee. Cause she’s worried. I don’t need another person to worry about me. I just need a good fuck and a good book. Speaking of which, I think I’ll read now.

It’s been ten days sine the last time I wrote on here. Ten days since I last had a good nights sleep. Ten days since I had a clear conscience. But ten days is not that long, but it seems like it was months ago. The days flew by me so fast, yet so slow, and sometimes I wonder what part of those days I am really paying attention to. I'm not achieving my size three. I keep going up, along with my bust size. Some girls would rejoice at that accomplishment, but I know better. The bigger the bust the bigger the waist. Oh well. I swear, they make holidays like Easter and Halloween just so that people will get fat and have to buy their slimming concoctions like Slim Fast or an exercise thing. It’s spring. I love spring. It’s my second favorite season; summer is my favorite because of the heat. But spring is wonderful. It becomes warm and everything grows, and you can wear skirts and dresses comfortably. No body knows it, but I am a complete sunshine girl. I love the sundresses and long flowing skirts. Black is my favorite, but I’ll wear white, and sometimes little flower designs. I love them, but I can’t bring myself to wear them. I don't know why. It’s like, they are mine, and only I can see them. I’ll wear the black ones. I'm making a black one right now. But I think that if people were to see me in a long flowing flower patterned dress, they would faint. How could their resident Ice Princess wear flowers? Something pretty and beautiful, unlike her. So lets see what's going on with the ‘family’ shall we? Mother – is as always, uncaring and unknowing how her words cut worse than my blade. Beast – the ever present figure that in my life that makes me want to cut as much as mothers words. Krishna – still Mothers favorite son, and only person to save her form this emotional wreck she’s flung us into. He can save us all, the one who knows where to go in life. Justin – moved out because he and his dad (Beast) had a fight a couple of times, so he takes his rats with him when he cant be at his moms. So he comes back and forth between the two houses, ripping apart my sanity each time he returns. Why? Why oh why does he get the luxury of having a mother and a father. Two homes and money from both parents, a girlfriend and a job. I juts don't understand how he can get it so easy. Nothing barely ever goes wrong with him, without substantial reason. Natasha – always the bitch I want to murder, to pull out her hair five strands at a time. Alexis – still the little child in the family who stomps and screams (like Natasha) to get her way. She’s the one to be screwed up the most in the house. Poor dear......or not. Me – still the depressed, fat loser who needs to wake up and realize that coffee isn’t gonna do it. I need something fresh, Bold and new to keep me entertained. I want a new piercing. I want my nipple, or my eyebrow, or something pierced, anything! But alas, I'm stuck with this stupid woman who wont do anything to make me happy, maybe ill do it myself...... hmmmmmm.

Sometimes, I see her. Sitting, or standing by me, doing something that would go much better if there was another person there helping her. And I sometimes I make a move to help her. To be in her presence, to have that Mother and Daughter bonding experience. One that I know should be there. But I pause, and make a slight detour to somewhere else. Anywhere else and I fight the urge to cry. Another pathetic day it has turned out to be for me. One where I wake up numb and try so hard to feel something, anything. But I don't and the day wears on as my moods wears thin, as I am dressed wearing close to nothing, again. There are some days when I wake and I feel like I have been reborn. Like some God out there actually loves me and wants me to have a good day. Some days I just feel like shit, through and through, and I get the full 24 hours of it, at least. It usually starts at night with the inability to sleep and continues through a restless slumber to the morning where I wake feeling like I haven't slept. It only worsens in class where my incompetence shines. Like a blinking banner saying “You Suck At Everything You Do! Stop Trying! You’re Too Stupid To Understand!” And then I go to rehearsal and everything seems even worse. Its like I'm trapped inside this place where I scream and shout simple things, requests, some demands but its in the job description, and no one ever listens, like I do it for fun. But I know I do it all for nothing. No one listens to me anywhere and I should just come to terms with it shouldn't I? I suppose I will. Today was one of those days, minus the rehearsal part, thank god. Though it was a little different, I was fine in the morning. But it all went downhill, and I don't know when or how. I never realized I was in an off mood until I sat down and thought when some one asked “how are you?”. My mask I wear is being put on too easily. I can put it on without even noticing. And as I sat and wondered how I was, I realized that I am not truly depressed. I love to believe I am. It makes for a beautiful excuse to not have to love someone or to touch someone. But to find out that I wear a mask of Ice to hide the Fire is what startles me. In the inside I burn with anger, fury, and something else I'm not sure of, and on the outside I am cold. Like the first frost. Throws you off guard because you never can expect it and when you see it you know that if you wait patiently, the frost will melt. But I don't know if I can melt? Its like the Ice on the out side is smothering the Fire.

People always wonder what is wrong with teenagers. Why they are all so moody, why they dress and act like that, how they can dress and act like that. Well, sure we all know why. The hormones and extra feelings warp and seduce our minds while we warp and seduce other minds. But does anyone really know what goes on inside our head? I really don't think so. They forget how it was like to be a teenager and only remember how they were punished. And here I go and say the stereotypical teen thing. “We are completely misunderstood”. Wouldn’t you agree? I think I'm going to do something about it. I think I shall write a book about it. Nothing big and fancy cause I know I suck at writing, but maybe I’ll write it for me. Yea, for me.

It's four a.m. and I sit here awake, again.I know I should sleep. I know I could sleep. If I really wanted to. But do I really want to? There’s some thing really calming in the way the computer hums and drives me into a semi-hypnotic state where what I read is real. Or as real as it can get. It’s four a.m, and Beast is sleeping on the couch again. He was there last night, and the night before, and the night before that too. Mother sleeps in her new king size bed all by herself on the left side, with seeming miles to the other side. But that doesn't matter to you does it? No, it really doesn't. You don't have to speak with him, so your content, while its ripping me to shreds. Is this how a proper relationship should be? Is this why I don't participate in the dating rituals? You lie there, you monstrous Beast, a fat heap of nothing with the heat turned low and the fan on high. My hair blows in the wind and I shiver and shake, but it doesn't matter to you because you’re asleep. Of course you’re asleep, what else would one be doing at four in the morning? Hmmmm, this entry was pointless, probably like the others. But what else can I do at such an hour? Beast told me to go to bed for it was late and I have to go to school tomorrow, during our day off. But, he didn't really care about my well being, he is now asleep. But really, what else could you expect from some one at such an hour? My barbies have all melted And my fish tank has turned green My hamster wheel still spins at night When it thinks I'm still not looking My puzzle has a missing piece It was my favorite part I lost the key to my wind up clown A Fathers useless gift gone silent A missing picture for the frame A shattered mirror on the wall Creaks on every floor board Silent whispers from above Locked inside an ocean room Only evil can come in I struggle and its hard to breath I need some oxygen My television screen is warped Craft time just wont cut it I crave of something dark and needy Of something linked with Hades Locked inside an ocean room Only evil can come in I fought it and I made it back Found somin better than oxygen

Have you ever just found something out? Some thing world shaking? Well maybe not entirely world shaking, but it shook you just a little? Sucks doesn’t it? Sucks how people assume thing of you. How they can shatter who you are and make you sound like the worst human being possible, and you wonder if your human at all. Sucks doesn’t it? SHE just asked if I would notice her when she leaves, and then said that I never notice when anybody is there. Oh how lowly she makes me sound......and feel. Some friend. Sure I may not always acknowledge that you are there, but I don't ignore you completely. You make it damn near impossible to do that. But why, if we are such good friends as you claim, would I ignore you, and forget your being? But that's okay. I've accepted that. I now know that that is just how you are. You are nearing the cruelness of me. The only difference about or cruelness is yours is of stupidity, mine is for defense. How can I make such assessments? Well you see, when you called the handicapped people at the mall who play instruments for spare change “those losers play in the food court” is a little.....cruel. and how can I tell that my cruelness is for defense purposes? Simple. You ask me how my day is, and I load you with sarcasm and what I hope is witticism. But one can only hope. Any ways, onto a Secret about some one : D I love secrets But I love the fact that I can tell my diary ‘cause then I'm not really telling anyone Well, here it is. There is this girl, lets call her Shantal, who is now going out with this guy she is completely head over heels for. But before they started dating a friend of mine asked him what he thought of her, here is how the conversation went with my friend and said boy, who we shall call Kent. : D Friend: so what do you think of Shantel? Kent: bunch of jabber that didn't matter, but basically said she was cool Friend: yea.....well..you see. She's not the way to go. She hangs around with a bad group. She's not some one you want to get into a long term relationship with Kent: Oh! * laughs nervously * I don't want a long term relationship! AH hahahahaha! I know, I'm cruel, through your sticks and stones, and I will laugh some more. Cause now you know that I am right Your Love is bullshit, and no one wants to pick it up with out protecting themselves from the mess that will be coming with it. Happy lovin’ ; )

Or is it your face (your mind) that's got you down Or is it your mind (your mind) when no ones around (thinking thoughts of suicide) Last night, after I left that wonderful little blurb about me and Esty, she (Esty) came over and we were picked up to go to ANIME NIGHT!!! YA !!!! lol, it was great fun, I enjoyed myself, lol, as dumb as it sounds to watch Japanese anime dubbed over to English, yes I had fun. We watched Utena, and only Utena because Nix would kills me if I let them watch anything else :P oh well, i still have to tell her that I am borrowing the Inuyasha movies from a friend. So we got there at about 8/00 when we should have about 6/45-7/00, but that was because we left our ride to go shopping with her boyfriend. Smart move Randi! lol, but either way it was good. Can't start without me 'casue I'm the one with all the anime. Mwa hahahaha!! Yes,well, we may have it at my house if no body minds the mess. :S I don't usually bring people over here. I really hate this house. We have no wall paper (we're right in the middle of a 5 year process of paiting our house), the downstairs bath room has no ceiling (another mult-year task to fix the plumbing), the bathrooms all together are in a horrible state without my constant cleaning, and the mix of cat litter, rat/hamster entrails, and cat little being masked by sandle wood incense is not a good mix. I wonder, that if I were to have my own apartment, or own dorm, or any living space that belongs to me, would I keep it clean because of how I live now, and since I find it so disgusting, want to change it, or will I live in the same slobiness, because that is all I know and that is all I can be? Or, maybe, just maybe, I am over analyzing this, as always. I always look over , and think over things way too much. I obsess over them and think about them constantly and then I get all these ideas into my head, that I'm right about my negative accusations, or every bad thought that i have, will most definatly come true. And here I am over obsessing again. Somebody shoot me! OR at least take away my thinking privileges taken away. If it's even possible. Ho hum. So anyways, back to anime night, it was fun, but it was horrible. I can be such a fool sometimes, and i dont know why I do the things I do. Watching the anime and dubbing people the charactrs to make fun of them was great, and so was the carrot cake :D but, I don't know. Some people there make me wonder. Do I hate them? Or are they completly fine? I find it that everyday they are all different. One boy, is a jackass at school. and when it comes to watchign our movies, he was nice. Maybe he was just being the perfect Host, but I can't put my finger on it. Then theres Tinman who will forever confuse me, and make me want to Secretly do things to him. Like oh, I don't know, shove a pencil through his eye. Yes I am that cruel, and on certain beings, I would do that to them. Oh well, what can I do? What can I ever do? I am but helpless being, trapped in this world of confusion, hate, and lust.