Sup Migraine? get out of my head, i hate you. I'm so nauseous right now :[ Aside from all my physical ailments im a happy camper. Works going extra well. loooove life is going extra extra well ;]. School....? SOON TO BE going extra well. summer classes maybe? we'll see. Tomorrows going to be sunny and hot so i think a drive to malibu is in order. yes yes yes :] goodnight

I am so over being sick. I feel like im some kind of alien or a person that needs to live in a bubble because im too sensitive and/or alergic to everything on the earth. It's getting old. On a happier note! My hair is really healthy. I havent done anything to it for over a week now because ive been bed ridden. So its like thick and nice. haha Now im ready to get better. and go back to work. and play. :/

i guess things are actually going well.... and guess what? the shit hasnt hit the fan. at least not yet anyway. I'm really stoked on him. He makes me very happy. now all i want is for it to laaaaasstt like i said prove me wrong.

There it goes... it's happening again. like a car crash played over and over again in my mind. Like a residual haunting that never goes away. Why do the pieces always fall into the same places? it never fails to line up. I could tell you how the next few weeks will go but im so upset that i think ill let the future do the talking. will someone prove me wrong, please?

It seems like it never ever took this long to come up with a conclusion to a problem. And it definitely never seemed like every conclusion to every problem was unsatisfactory. But now it does. How come i only want something until it's mine? Or i only want something thats difficult to obtain? Until it becomes easy... then the fires gone. Is that human nature? my brain is so filled up with all these thoughts its hard to filter it out and be concerned with the important things. It seems like i need a good friend. and it never seemed like they were hard to come by. Or maybe its just that i had close ones, that have all drifted away. It's funny how much things change and you dont notice it until it sneaks up on you.

fuzzy, soft, warm, images. slow, simple sounds fill my ears. lights dim, darkness is the back of my eyelids. i wish to stay here forever. where my body doesnt hurt and my mind is never tired. My conscience never worries and my soul is always at rest. my dreams never last as long as they should.

I'm at such a strange transition right now. One part of me wants to leave and travel far away and never come home. i want to experience awesome adventures that i can tell people later on in life. I want to struggle, i want to thrive, i want to not know where i might be 6 months down the road. The other part of me wants to go back to school. Think seriously about a major or a degree in something serious. Part of me wants to become a doctor or a lawyer. Become something that means something. at this point right now it seems like i have so many paths laid out in front of me. I'm turning around in circles stumbling over my feet not knowing which one to follow. And with time going by i see my friends and acquaintances skipping down them like it was the easiest decision. I want to have fun while im young, and at 18 i shouldnt be concerned about aging. Im terrified of having a "normal" life. i'm terrified of being one of those people commuting home from LA, looking tired and unhappy and bitter. Nothings set in stone yet and maybe thats what i'm afraid of. i think too much. yeah? yeah.

bleh its been over a month.... and i mean hes still calling me and still wants to see me... I just dont get it. I dont get why we go through these stages. You'd think that after over 2 years of being on and off something would be final. Like official or just forget it all together. whateverrrr. I am so excited for monster!!!! It's going to be amazing. Devyn's not so stoked hes going, but she'll have to deal. It's going to be so much fun. The only way it could be better is if elise was going :/ oh well were just going to have to make up for it on halloweeeen! shits going pretty well right now. I dont really have any reason to complain. I love my jobs. minus some tiny issues. i have a few really great friends. and it looks like my car accident settlement is going smoothly. I really hope i get some money from that. I need a new computer. Buy myself a new mac :] wellllllll the vicodin is making it hard to read this tiny writing so i think its time for sleep. VOTE OBAMA!

i don't know what it is about me that people find so temporary. And by people i mean boyfriends. I'm like a disposable razor. Or 35mm film that you use up so quick but it ends up in your desk drawer for 3 years and you kind of forget about it all together. They always come back. Temporarily. And i usually say no. Because history repeats itself. And to be honest... i still cant get over that girl you left me for. Really, what were you thinking? Yet i'm the one you always come back to. Temporarily. And you'd think that all that wasted energy would be better put to use just staying put. Because you know you'll be back. Temporarily. And all i'm trying to figure out is if you're ever going to quit it. If anyones willing to stay a while. And i think if i found that i'd be happy... Unfortunately only temporarily.

"Like the naked leads the blind.I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.Sucker love I always find,Someone to bruise and leave behind.All alone in space and timeThere's nothing here but what here's mine. Something borrowed, something blue. Every me and every you. Every me and every you, Every Me..." I'm starting to think i'm just better off on my own. I am too distant and self sufficient to ever be apart of a pair. They should see me as a piece of granite: nice to look at but cold to the touch. Fuck my life.

It's so indescribable trying to relearn everything you thought you knew about someone. I feel so hurt, so alone and confused... it's really something i've never dealt with before. Part of me wants to hate him for the things hes done to me, for the things hes done to his friends, and for the things hes done to a girl i barely know but for some reason feel like i understand her so well. The other part of me wants to help him. Sometimes i feel like maybe all of this happened while we were together because i was someone who could help. Someone strong enough to overlook how hurt i was and to try and fix him. But... thats probably just be trying to be optimistic. I really dont know what went wrong... and why it went so wrong so fast. I feel really helpless because theres nothing i can do that can bring immediate gratification. I just have to wait and let the storm take its course. You have to let yourself want to be helped because without your consent nothing can be achieved. I'm going to pray for you every night. I don't know exactly who i'm praying to but if theres someone out there that can help you, maybe they'll hear me. I really need you to get better. You were my best friend, you were my everything. I'll get better with time, but i need you to be okay again, just for you.

I want to learn to fight my insecurities. They're tearing me apart and i absolutely do not want them to be any sort of fuel for this fire. I need to take a deep breath and just accept that i cannot control the things i cannot control. No matter how hard i try. and that whatever happens is just going to have to be enough. It's hard to have someone you care so much about dwindling on a string in front of you. I want him here on the ground with me not floating in and out of my emotions. One week i'm secure, i feel good. But the next... i'm a nervous wreck. I don't know if after that day i might not get to see him or hug him or kiss him again. I think the real problem here isn't my insecurities. Although they do not help the situation i think that he is much more of the culprit. I don't know why boys have such difficulties knowing what they want. I know exactly what i want... and i guess after all this time i've been avoiding it it's time you make a decision.

My dream woke me up and i find you laying with your head on my shoulder with each exhalation blowing a breeze across my skin. I run my fingers through your hair and kiss you on the forehead. You stretch and smile and ask why im smiling. These moments i take for granted sometimes but this morning it made all the difference. You described it perfect: "There's just something about you..."

I think i'm going to be alright with this situation. I believe i'm a very adaptable person and i think things will be okay. It was the best possible turn out that could have happened. I know how i feel and i know my feelings still haven't changed. "If you love something let it go. if it comes back it's yours, if not it wasn't meant to be" And i'm okay with that.

•Get a second job •Save some money •Take 12 units in fall •Take a vacation somewhere i've never been •Be less critical of others •Be less critical of myself •DO NOT STRESS

I feel good. I had a really amazing day today. Woke up next to and spent my morning with a wonderful boy that i cant keep my mind off of. Went shopping and watched Amanda. Got kisses and hugs from Amanda. And Then worked the rest of the day in Agoura. Now i'm a little tired but comfortable and very satisfied. My summer is off to a great start. :] goodnight

Get outta hereee! I am so sick and tired of so many people. ... I feel like everyone i meet i can predict their next words. Like theyre reading from some ridiculous script that i memorized 100 years ago. It's like God came down and removed almost everyone with an ounce of interest. And when i do find someone that intrigues me im locked onto their next words like a child onto a piece of candy. After a while I feel like if i dont talk to someone who gets me within a small amount of time I'm going to start going crazy. I need refreshing input or something. I feel like a lot of my friends, when i first met them, were great. But Ive just kept maturing since then... like youre supposed to. .. But their just standing still. And justine dont read this and trip im not talking about you, obviously. Anyways thats all! I waiting for this job to come through... man i hope i get it.

I feel summer creepin' in and i'm tired of this town again.... I'm staying busy and starting to feel independant again. And I've got to admit it feels pretty good.

I know you think this is a big game. You're probably rolling your eyes right now laughing it off because you think in a few days it's going to be back to normal. Boy, do i have news for you. While you're laughing it off and rolling your eyes id like for you to start counting on one hand the friends you have. Don't be surprised when you've got fingers left and you're having trouble thinking of names. Now with your other hand id like for you to take that blindfold off your eyes and take a good look at what you're leaving behind. And don't blink now, don't miss the part where i walk away. You're starting to trip now. I hope it stings you behind your eyes when you realize you messed up one last time. get the fuckin' memo already. You're not gonna get any better.

I just wish you could see the principal of things. Just once. I want you to know that even while i don't need you either, i want you. I didn't have to see you again, i didn't have to respond to those texts. I didn't need to, but i wanted to. In all reality we don't need each other. We're both self-sufficient and independent. We don't reply on other people. We do things when they need to be done and do things for ourselves when we want. And thats what i like about you. I'm not asking you to need me...but letting me know you care wouldn't hurt. And while you're at it, come home. I miss waking up to your txts :/