So I know I haven't written in like forever but who can blame really, not like anyone realy reads this diary i just write for the sake of writing. So yea, my "Perfect" Fairy Tale with Greg has come to an end, he dumped me. Apparently I'm not attractive anymore and I'm annoying and he didnt wanna be with me anymore. Honestly I'm better off without him, it wasn't the picture perfect relationship I was hoping for even though I convinced my self it was. I went out last night with Nikki and Daniel this guy I met at the bar when I went to Nikkis birthday. hes such a cutie and sweet guy and hes just awesome. hes a menonite and hes a virgin this should be interest, but i really like him i hope it works out, hes just so sweet and he said hes gonna call me this weekend and yea! so yea what else umm almost dont school n i hate it and my job sucks, other then that not much! -kristina

theres soo much to say, i've been busy, so to speak! i'll just keep it current its thursday on saturday it'll be 3 weeks with me and greg hes amazing the sex is amazing hes perfect and treats me like a princess i love him i really do like ya'll gots no clue how i feel about this boy. heathers being a fucking idiot because her new boy-toy james is in engineering at UofM and hes got finals comming up and hes got ALOT of work to do and what not, and shes mad cuz he doesnt have time to spend with her. HELLO!!!! maybe you should take a page from the book of james and do your fucking homework if you wanna get into med school! which you never ever will i know that for a fact. fucking idiots i swear to god! ne who im in micro comp its boring i wanna kill myself like fuck its sooooooo boring! like kill me honestly its just fuck ashdrgwbtljkrgb im getting stressed! like really people i just have too much going on please just take it away gregs commin over tonight so yea i should be all good he'll take away my stress ya'll know what i mean!

i dont know what to do anymore my best friend is falling for a guy whos no good. let me count the ways: 1-hes a drunk 2-hes a porn star 3-hes an E-freak 4-hes a coke head 5-hes a ladies man 6-hes addicted to gambling 7-hes proud that he wrote off his camaro in a car accident that killed someone 8-he abused his ex gf so yea shes falling for him yea dumb i know! ARGH!!! i dont know what to do, paul told me some really bad shit about this guy and it kinda scares me and i know paul wouldnt lie about it. i'm just scared for her i dont want her to get hurt, shes my best girl and i care about her alot and i would hate to see her go through some of the things i went through! -i dont know

well, well, well whats new with me. lets start with school been doing a play all week things are going good for once, me and her have put our difference aside, because as it says "The Show MUST Go On" today the dumb cunt decided to attack me in the after show meeting. saying that i'm always in the way and that i'm the reason people miss their cues, firstly i wasnt in the way i was getting ready to do my job i got radioed to get in position and get ready for the count down and i did so unlike you i listen to the things im told secondly how the fuck was i in the way i was up against the wall preping the people for their cues since that is my job as stage manager and thirdly you, your job is to make sure the curtains are closed....funny how at one point you were sitting in the back with other people. and the girls walked by in dresses and took the curtain with them and it was dragged open ALOT way to do your job! so this should teach you a lesson.....dont bitch at me untill your perfect at what you do....so in other words...dont bitch at me ever cuz you will never be perfect you discusting self-disrespecting dirty slut!

if you know who she is then you understand my entry title! i hate her soo much right now shes soo stupid and close minded and she never fucking uses her head. and to top it all off shes the biggest fucking hypocrite i know!!! everything about her is annoying. "you cant use the play as an excuse" what the fuck is she on? i never even mentioned the bloody play like really how could you not know why i dont feel comfortable going to a presentaion on a mock car crash taht has the cars in it and is made to look real?? wow your stupidity amazes me! like you have no idea! i'm too mad to keep writing about the self proclaimed slutty ass whore they call "candy" because we all know you sweet at candy, yea fucking right hunn dont kid yourself!

i cant believe i did what i did! how could i hurt her like that im not going to go into detail about it but i've fallen for her ex and it bothers her ALOT. i dont know why but friday at mels party we were talking and then flirtting and as the night when on i realized i have feelings for him and i have since like 2 days after my brothers accident when i just couldnt be happy kevin said something and i laughed, i thought i would never laugh again and he was able to make me laugh and smile. what bothers me the most she hates me for having feelings for him which i cant help, i told her only because i didnt want to lie to her, she deserved to know the truth. but i mean shit she dumped him now shes always talking about JR and all that and how hes like her dream guy and all this other stuff but then all of a sudden i mention that i have feelings for kev because she asked and i wasnt gonna lie to her about it ne longer and now she bloody hates me. like its my fault for likeing hope like fuck you cant help who you like. she says she doesnt know why she still likes him and well i have a theory about it, she is over him but she doesnt want to admit and she hates the fact that hes gonna move on and not obsess over her. the worst part of this, she thinks that me likeing him is backstabbing. how is that backstabbing??? i cant help who i like and i cant help it if i have feelings for him. i hate to say this but i'm not gonna let things stand in the way of me being happy and finally finding the most amazing guy who is respectable and not some stupid dumb ass dealer or stoner or drop out or failure. think of what i've dated? like shit i've been with the worst of the worst and i think that i finally deserve something like him. hes different from the rest of them, hes the kind of guys i've been looking for all along and little did i know he was right there the whole time, i just never realized till friday night that hes the one i want. she thinks i should stick with going for riley, i'm sorry but i'm not going to date a drug dealer who just BARELY graduated, i'm sick of dateing guys with an IQ of fuckin zero!! the fact that she cant even be happy that i've found someone who may treat me right and respect me and be someone who can make me happy. the balls in your court hunn do what you want -finally found what i want

i've been thinking alot again, as you know for me thats a bad thing. i was thinking about what would happen if i gave us another shot, this would be the thrid try. friday after a friend left my house i went to a party at HIS house. it was weird being around him i ended up crashing there becuase i drank alot. it was fun i wont deny that, but after people started to leave and those who were spending the night were starting to settle down i walked to the bathroom passing his bedroom door, i knew he was in there, i knew he was naked (he never did like to sleep with ne thing on) i knew that he wouldnt object to me jumping in bed with him, and oh how i wanted to. i just wanted to feel the warmpth of his body against mine again and i gave in sadly, i went into his room, and slipped under the covers with him, i gave into the temptation of being with him again....i wont say what happened but i'm sure you can all imagine. the next morning i was laying there staring at the ceiling and i thought to myself "why the fuck did you do that, you got yours but did he get his? no he didnt, he wants more then what you do, WHY ARE YOU HURTING HIM LIKE THIS" after people left at around 11 we sat in the bed and had another talk, he said that he wants me back and he knew i would come to my sences about me and him, and he knew i would be willing to give it another try....i hurt him so badly, i told him it cant be, i told him that last nice was a one time deal not to happen again. the look on his face hurt me, i couldnt stand to see it, i couldnt stand to think that i caused that look. i havent talked to him since i feel horrible like shit for leading him on like that for letting him think i was gonna try to work things out again. FUCK I'M SUCH A HORRABLE PERSON!!!! -me

well now last nights dance was a blast and a half! after getting ready with the girls for like 2 hrs we finally walked over to the highschool(we were in the elementry school next door for some reason) and it was BLOODY cold because we were all in flip flops little black skirts and sexy tops! the 3 of us looked DAMN GOOD!! it was semi formal so we deicded to slut it up a notch! it was so much fun danceing...DJ kinda sucked but it was fun none the less! i didnt dance with anyone but alot of girls me and kat dance for like 3 dances like big ass hoes and he BF thinks im a slut now be cause i did this lil move that me and my girls dubbed "The Dirrty Hooker Move" and yea you could sooo see my ass but that OK lol so as you can tell it was a blast oh well! -oh fuck me

well today was a mighty fine day and will coninue to be mighty fine! MY DAY: woke up -=-got ready(2 hr process) -=-get ride to school -=-put my jewellery on in the halls -=-went to english and read my book -=-went to the junior highand made things light up! (i rock at electronics!! right eds?) -=-went to drama late, it was like one big bitch fest...how fun!! -=-had lunch in the halls that was great with mah gurls! -=-went to bio learnt about punnet squares (i knew all the answers, im such a suck up!) -=-now i'm sitting in the comp lab in the girls co op class -=- mc dicks with the girls to get cash n food -=-production after school...that should be a riot -=-get ready for dance -=-7:00pm GO TO DANCE!!! and have fun with the girls!!!!! -=-then finally home and sleep to get ready for another day got a new outfit for the dance its HOTTT thats right 2 T'a hottt!!!!!!! -love me

question for the masses....does anyone ever really get used to anything? or is it that eventually we get hurt so many times that we stop caring so we think were used to it. really you cant be used to getting hurt because everytime it happens its something different its always a different new kind of hurt. what I think is that eventually you just sorta stop letting things get to you and you stop caring about whats going on. thats my view on it....just sorta thought about that while playing bejeweld

I dont know what I'm feeling right now. I talked to some friends and they think I should ask Jus to grad, but to be honest I'm scared he'll say no, I mean think about it; he wont accept me on msn, were not that close, we never talk. I dont know maybe its just me, but I dont think he would go with me. I mean who knows maybe he would but I highly doubt it. Valentines is a week away, i'm not too happy about that one. I'm thinking of boycotting the whole holiday. Its gonna suck every last one of my close friends has someone and I...well I have no one. EDS says she wants to boycott valentines, why, you have a boyfriend girl, a loving, caring, amazing one. I think back to how I spent my last valentines with kury, we watched airheads like who knows howmany times and I ended up going on msn. To top it all off he didnt even get me anything and I got hime an amazing ID bracelet. On the front it said KURY XiV and on the back it said Love Kristina. I felt stupid for getting him something to nice and he got me nothing! I wish I wasnt alone this year for valentines, I hate it. All the girls talk about how amazing their boyfriends are and I listen because I dont want to be mean and tell them to shut the fuck up because I feel more alone whent hey talk about their boyfriends! (Cicatraz esp - The Mars Volta) Want to know something fun, Febuary 14th has the highest suicide rate then any other day in the year. Now isnt that a fun fact! I dont have much else to say......

Wow, it amazes he how close minded my friends can be sometimes! I posted something on a forum I belong to, i posted how I could go for some good old fashioned meaningless sex, you know sex for the sake of sex. the reply from a friend was a simple 4 letter work "Slut". So thats what I am to you, a slut? I was then told that apparently I'm addiceted to sex, and I'm too horny and I have no self respect. Well heres what I have to say to you: 1) get used countless times 2) get raped by a guy you trust 3) do even just a small fraction of the things I've done in my past once you have completed these 3 simple tasks, look back on what you did and see if you can respect yourself. Its hard to have self respect when your past makes you sick. best friends are honest, but your a little too honest. I'm not a slut, I just like to have fun sometimes. I know you say your looking out for me because you don't want me to have go thru what robbie did to me again. Just listen to me, I don't hate you for caring, I don't hate you at all, what I hate is that I hate my self. You dont understand, and you never will untill you've had some of my experiences.You don't know what its like to be me and live with my past, its not easy, its not all candy coated. Just understand this, I can barely live with the thought of my past, it haunts, it always will, I cant escape it, and you guys telling me that I have no self respect really doesn't help me.

I was talking with my ex the other day before going to school. I was dressed nice that day because that night I was going out. He asked me out again and I said no, because I can't hurt myself again. well heres a tid-bit of our convo: HIM: So why are you so dressed up? ME: Because I'm going to a show tonight with some friends. HIM: This is so like you, you get all dressed up hoping to meet some guy. and you wonder why no guys like you. ME: ____, we all put on a face and become someone were not, how do you know this isn't just me putting on a face becomming someone I'm not, this is so NOT me. HIM: You know sometimes I wonder why I even care ME: Is it that you wonder why you, or do you wonder if I care? ...... because I do care. HIM: If you cared you would go out with me again. ME: And if you cared, you wouldnt make me do something thats just gonna leave me hurt in the end. now you maybe wondering why I'm rejecting an amazing guy, well lets start with he cheated on me once before. but thats now why I said no. I said no because at the beginning of July hes leaving to banff for good to go to school there. Last time we went out he was supposed to go but he didnt graduate, this year hes going for sure. Why woould i put my self thru the pain of losing him again? like really people. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I haven't been sleeping much lately. My dreams or should I say nightmares are comming back. Their worse then before, no I see it as though I was in the car with him and watched him die. Its just become too much for me and my dreams are filled with him and I wake up always just as I see him walking away from me. Its keeping me up at night, I can't sleep without having those dreams. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who couldn't remember their dreams, or people who dont dream, it would be so much easier.....

I'm at school right now, its rather boring. I'm suppoed to be doing my english research on 10 reasons why you should join your high school play but my searchs have come up empty. I haven't dome much today, made some comments on the forum, made fun of him somemore. I told him he need to get over what happened and he needs to stop denying that we made out. Like really kid, I told everyone I beat you to it so now you can't deny it. I'm going to a show on friday, hes gonna be there, I'M GONNA BE SOOOO HOTT!! I'm gonna make sure he knows what hes missing out on, maybe T'll find me another boy who knows! so yea I should go I have to umm do nothing.

According my calender today is exactly 8 months since me and mike broke up. Wow, 8 months, doesn't seem like its been that long but I guess it has. So much has happened. birthdays, christmas, new years, my brothers accident. It's all so unreal, I dont know why but its just so hard for me to believe its been that long. I was upset today at school, everyone assumed it was cause of my brother. No one bothered to ask why I was uspet they just assumed that it was that. What great friends I have, your in the halls crying and none of them even bother to ask whats wrong. thanks for asking whats wrong guys, like really. I dont know why I bother with some of them their just so stupid sometimes. The name calling has started again, the rude comments. I knew they wouldn't stop for long, they can't go that long with out insulting me. I'm getting sick of the Drama Rooom Drama, like really people just drop-it. You all get so defensive and uptight about things, you need to learn how to losen up, and most of all you need to learn how to not take everything so seriously and spaz ofer the littlest things.

Yesterday was the first day that I really realized just how alone I am. I realized that everylast one of my friends has someone they love and someone they, most likely, are going to with be for a long time to come. So, I guess what I'm saying is that no matter how badly I didn't want this to happen it did and I've become the single one. The one that everyone pitties, and tries to set up with their friends, but all know it never works. They feel bad for me so they invite me to come with them and then I become a third wheel. Why does this have to happen to me.

Small, Simple, Safe, Price Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets This is not a small cut that scabs and drys and flakes and heals And I am not afraid to die I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight I want the pain of payment Whats left but a section of pigmy sized cuts Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks Would you be my little cut Would you be my thousand fucks And make mark leaving space For the guilt to be liquid To fill and spill over and under my thoughts My sad sorry selfish cry out to the cutter I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart Love is not like anything Especially a FUCKING KNIFE!! Look at me, you can tell By the way I move and do my hair Do you think that it's me or it's not me? I don't even care I'm alive I don't smell I'm the cleanest I have ever been. I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry Just look at me, look at me now I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake Just look at me, look at me now I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake Do I drink? Do I date? I've got perfect placement all my ink Satisfied, in your eyes I'm the biggest fan I've got right now I made sure, that I look how I wanted to look The people around me, the people surround me I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry Just look at me, look at me now I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake Just look at me, look at me now I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace I pray, I beg for anything, to hit me in the face And this sicknes isn't me, I pray to fall from grace The last thing I see is feeling And I'm telling you I'm a fake And I'm telling you I'm a fake And I'm telling you I'm a fake And I'm telling you I'm a fake And I'm telling you I'm... Just look at me, look at me now I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake Just look at me, look at me now I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake I'm a fake

Since I ended things with my ex I've come to accept the fact that after 8 months its time I move on. I really need to stop wondering if me and him will ever work again, like really, do I want to possably get hurt by him again? Probly not. I also need to accept that I'm going to be alone for a very long time, I'm not gonna be finding a boyfriend anytime soon. It's not that I don't want one, cause I do, it's just that I don't want to get hurt again like I have been so many times before. I mean you can only take so much before your heart shuts down and you stop trusting the male species. I reached my limit along time ago, but it seems to me that I still persistantly find the asshole's in life who do nothing but break your heart. Some people would say that the way I'm thinking is negative, pesamistic, or cynical, but it's not. It's just that I've been through so much in the past 8 months since me and my ex broke up, and its so much I can't handle it anymore. I dont know how to deal with these things in any other way then giving up, I know giving up is the cheep way out, but right now its the quickest and easyest. So for now I'm giving up on finding love, I can learn how to live with being so alone......

ahh yes they have the mood used i hate that feeling, USED. its horrible really and it sounds rather dirty guess that makes me dirty. i know he thought i was thats why he told me he was drunk, he doesnt remember that night, he doesnt remember what he promised. a friend once said, "only a pussy balmes it on booze" your right he is a pussy, hes also a chicken shit. i have other words for him but i'm trying to keep my composure. I dont wanna sound unlady like, heaven forbid i not be perfect, mother would kill me. stupid bitch! whos she think she is anyways, does the title of mother give her the right to pry into my life? no it doesnt so stay the fuck out! its my life so fuck off!! i hate people! they think they know you, they dont. all my friends, they think they understand me. they dont understand any of it, i have a dead brother, a dead cuzin, 2 dead best friends, a dead gramma. ya you guys really understand what its like to be me, NOT! stop lienig to yourselfs and me i dont appreciate it. you may think it makes me feel better but it doesnt, in fact it makes me feel stupid. so do me a favour, fuck off! i dont mean to be a bitch but you all put on this face, this lie about who you are, your not who you want us to think you are, just like i'm not who i want you to think i am. i tell you im ok, i tell you im fine, but its a lie if you knew me you would understand, im messed up!! but then again whos not these days?

no one knows i have this diary and frankly i would like to keep it that way. this is a palce for me to write what i feel, thus getting rid of my constant need for private entries. even if my friends do read this diary they wont know its me, i dont use names, makes things easyer. you may think the pink and purple are un suiting to my user names and the title of my diary, but you know now the life i live and the person i am, therefor, you should not judge. yes i do like the used, they are one of my favorite bands. hate me for it, love me for it, its your perogative.