what is one of the most important things to me? i've realized. making memories. everything i do, i want to remember. my friends sometimes don't understand my need to get out and go places and do things. it's because every night I feel like I need to make the most of it and by the end of the night I want amazing memories that will last forever. does that sound dumb? because if i sit at home all night, what do i have to look back on? that night is not going to stand out in my mind. it will just become lost. with all the other uneventful nights. but I don't just remember, hey i went to a show. it was fun. this is what I do: im at a show....and I just get in this zone where im completley cut off from everyone else. and im just in my own moment. I take it in. everything. the surrounding. the feeling im having. the smell in the air. the sounds. and i make sure to take a mental visual picture. and when I look back on it, my mind goes straight to that picture and it's almost as if I'm in that moment again. I try to do that at least once when im doing anything. it's almost like im literally capturing that exact moment in time so I have it to look back on. yeah, maybe im just weird....

I was having a conversation with someone and I realized something about myself. we were talking about people and expectations. I understand now why I get so upset with friends and perhaps the reason I am no longer friends with someone that I used to call my best friend. I depend on people too much. Someone told me that " If you depend on someone and expect them to always follow through with what they say, you will only get hurt in the end because its human to make mistakes and if you constantly depend on people, they will only let you down time and time again." I found this to be so true. I always depend on my friends to be there and to do what they say, and time and time again I've been let down. But perhaps if I didn't expect so much from them, it wouldn't hurt so much when they didn't follow through? It kind of makes me think about things now...because anyone in the past that would constantly let me down, my solution was to cut them from my life. I figured if they weren't in my life, I wouldn't have to deal with being let down and therefore avoid any hurt. I guess the only thing I can do now is to be more understanding and not to depend on people as much as I did.....?

i want to meet people i can learn from. friends that will make an impact on your life. there are many people it seems nowadays out there that are just "there". they don't have their own identity. they just follow the crowd and try to fit in with the scene. I want to meet people with strong views on things, with knowledge, and bold personalities. And I'm glad to have met people like that. and for them, I am a better person in many ways. Even when friendships end, I have that little part of me that has changed due to knowing someone which will always remind me of them.

I love the city. I am in love with it. the beauty of it. everything. it seems everytime I go there I am automatically put in a great mood. I just look around and think to myself Wow I feel so priviledged to be able to live in driving distance to a place like this. Every time there is an adventure. never boring. never. my best memories are of when I have gone to chicago. I think that is one of the things keeping me from moving. I can't imagine not being able to go anymore. It's become such a familiarity in my life.

summer is over. OVER. i can't believe it. this happens every year..at the end of summer I'm always looking back and saying "wow, it went by so incredibly fast." but then again I guess time flies when you are having fun. and I had a ton of fun this summer. although I got nothing accomplished that I wanted to. but that seems to always be the case with me. I don't know what it is about summer, but just the weather is enough to make me happy. It could be the worst day ever but to be able to drive and see the sunset with all the beautiful colors and just how peaceful everything looks makes it all worth it. it almost makes me want to move somewhere where I will be able to wake up every morning with the sun shining through my window. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I don't know what it is, but its just a feeling I've been having that Its time for me to leave my town. and move somewhere else. perhaps another state. i have a feeling I'm going to just wake up one day feeling spontaneous and decide to move my life in a whole new direction. I tend to not think about practicality too much when I make decisions because if I did, I would never do anything. thinking about winter approaching depresses me. I truely do not like it. At least I did change for the better over the summer. I really learned to appreciate everything. and when I say that I mean appreciate being able to live the way I do and to see the things I do. meeting new people all the time. going new places. I appreciate the small things. and i think that is something a lot of people should learn to do.

im really good at telling what kind of person someone is after being around them. I'm good at picking up on vibes. I can hang out with you probably twice and be able to analyze you and be half way right. but i wonder.. is there someone out there that does that to me when they first meet me? What do you they think about me? most times, first impressions aren't always right. I met this guy and right away, I could tell the kind of guy he was. I already had it decided in my head, this is how he is. Well..even though I wasn't too far off with my assumption, I got to talk to him more and realized that there was more behind it. and If only I would have taken more time in the first place, I would have realized that there was more to him than the assumption i made. I think from now on, I will definitley take more time observing someone before I decide anything. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward right after meeting someone and see what the future is like. Could that person be my future best friend? Will I regret meeting them? Will we get along? you just never know. What if theres a person out there that could the greatest friend ever, but you guys have just not met yet? If I lived in a different location, would I be happier? Would I be happier with the friends I have there? all these questions are constantly on my mind. so many things are determined by location. I feel like I've met all the people in my town and that I need to go to new places and meet all new people. because there could be someone out there that I'm meant to meet.

I have a theory. about the first kiss. many guys probably don't understand. but to me...the first kiss is incredibly important and should be the most memorable. do you know what the best part about a kiss is? the intensity of the feelings building up to it. its so awaited, expected, wanted, desired. its that anxious, exciting feeling that i want to hold on to forever, or at least as long as i can make it possible. that is why i wait so long before i kiss anyone. most guys rush it. i will never give a kiss when its asked for. thats not something you ask to be given to you. that takes every bit of spontaneity out of it. my idea of the perfect kiss is when it is prolonged and incredibly desired by both people. and the right time comes and you both know in your head, this is it. and when it happens, it is more amazing than anything. because think about it: after that first kiss is over, every single one after that wont be the same. you won't wonder," what is it going to be like?" you won't think to yourself, "is it going to happen now?" basically, those excited feelings you have before the first time you kiss someone will be lost. im not saying that any other kisses besides the first are bad. not at all. im just saying it won't ever be the same. If I want to pursue a relationship with someone, I'll make them wait for the first kiss. because i want to make it amazing and memorable. Most guys will ruin it and try to kiss me right away. whats the rush? the longer the wait, the more intense it will be. I love when it happens unexpectedly. you can't CAN'T plan a kiss. that takes the surprise out of it. I'm still waiting for that guy out there who sees it the same way i do. When I find him, that first kiss will be unforgetable.

I've realized the one thing that makes me happy. the one thing that keeps my life exciting. and that thing is the ability to be spontaneous. I've always been that way. I couldn't stand sitting in my house day after day and just live life the way its "supposed to be". I've had so many friends in the past that have been way too practical. I'll be like " hey want to go out to eat out of town?" "No! are you kidding me. thats too far. lets stay in town." Maybe its because I've lived in the same town ALL my life? And any chance I get, I like to escape. Im a person that enjoys change of scenery and seeing the same places everyday bores me entirely too much. If I had the resources to travel to a different state every week, I would. I just want to experience different settings, because I feel like im missing out on so much. I've been so lucky to find friends like Rachel and Stefany. Me and stefany used to go on random road trips in the middle of the night and it didn't even matter where we ended up. I loved it. I don't know what I would do without rachel...shes just as spontaneous as me. The way I look at it, if you just take chances...it just might end up changing the way you live forever. I remember one night me and rachel were driving and we had nothing to do. We saw a sign for wisconsin. and I was like "hey, want to go to wisconsin?" and shes like "sure." so we went. and we ended up meeting people that we are friends with to this day. its spontaneous adventures that stay in my memories the most. When people are constantly too practical about everything, it depresses me. I want to look back on the day and say "wow, I would have never guessed that would have happend" If you don't take chances and just sit at home all day, what is there to look back on? I have so many memories thanks to all the adventures rachel and I have taken. I only wish I knew more people that could be spontaneous with me. driving far doesn't bother me at all. If a friend from another state called me up and asked me to come over, I would. The drive doesn't bother me. Because I know at least im getting away from home and going somewhere new. and that makes me happy. distance never stops me.