Come with me and we'll dance the night away...twirl and spin and fly...just take me and i'll be free.... i feel like floating into the night sky (even though obviously it's morning)...i'm not even happy. normally tis a happy feeling that brings these thoughts of dance and flight...but no. i am not happy, i just desire my escape... i just need to vanish from this place....and dance in the mist of my dreams...i ache to be released....someone take me away and set me free... life needs to be lived. and here i am simply waiting for it to catch up with my passion...silly me...i need to get it myself...watch me go...watch me FLY...i'll twirl and spin and fly until the day i die... oh MAN what is this feeling? am i going insane?? anything's possible... words alone cannot express the independence my soul craves....i just need to be weightless and drift...through...everything.....sky. ocean. abyss of nothingness. if only i had the option of drowning only my soul in life. not my actual body of course.... wow i just feel like taking everything in as one beautiful evening dance....hahaha what the hell is the matter with me? i'm going insane and rambling mindless poetic nothings as i imagine myself twirling through the clouds... my GOD what is this lust for freedom i suddenly feel?? someone catch me when i fall...save me...be there....or just....... dance with me.

h a p p y section. are you normally a happy person?: nope what can make you happy?: falling in love/having someone really love me do you wish you were happier: fuck yes what makes you the happiest? friends/love is being happy overrated? no can music make you happy?: yeah actually...sometimes... l o v e section. how many times have you had your heart broken?: truly and devestatingly? once. Do you still have feelings for any of your old significant others?: oh yeah Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?: yeas Did you ever love a guy/girl, tell them that, and only got 'thanks'? how bout not even a change in expression...then silence.... Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?: nope. h a t e section. who do you actually hate?: heh heh there is a list... ever made a hit list?: ^^ have you ever been on a hit list?: i'm sure are you a mean bully?: no do you hate any one that breaks your heart?: YES do you hate George Bush?: shyeah s e l f - e s t e e m section. is your self-esteem extremely low?: always do you believe in yourself?: no not really when people say they think you are beautiful, do you deny you are?: always do you wish you can be someone else?: sometimes I HAVE:: [ ] done . [ ] done opium. [ ] done PCP. [ ] done prescription narcotics for recreational purposes. [ ] huffed air-duster. [ ] been to a rave. [x] ridden in a taxi. [ ] jumped a ramp with a bike. [x] been dumped. [x] been used. [ ] shoplifted. [ ] ran from the cops. [x] been in a room of your school that you could get suspended for being in [ ] been fired [ ] been kicked out of a movie theater. [ ] snuck into a movie. [ ] been in a fist fight. [ ] got hit by a car. [ ] fired a real gun. [ ] snuck out of your parent's house. [ ] been arrested. [ ] gone in a mosh pit. [x] stolen something from your school. [ ] Celebrated new years in times square. [ ] Gone on a blind date. [x] lied to a friend. [x] had a crush on a teacher. [ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans. [ ] been to europe. [ ] been to australia [ ] been to hawaii [x] skipped school. [ ] thrown up from drinking. [x] played 'clue' [x] had a sleepover party. [x] gone ice skating. [ ] been cheated on. [ ] had your tonsils out. [x] been exposed to laughing gas. [ ] had a car. [ ] driven a car. [ ] Totaled a car. Do you... [ ] feel loved. [xxx] feel lonely. [ ] feel happy. [x]hate yourself. [x] have a dog. [x] have your own room. [x] sing along with your music. [x] dance around the house in your underwear. [ ] listen to Hawaiian Music. [ ] listen to underground hip hop. [ ] listen to rap. [x] listen to country. [ ] listen to reggae. [ ] listen to techno. [ ] listen to hardcore. [ ] listen to pop. [ ] listen to r&b. [ ] listen to jazz. [x] listen to crooners. [x] listen to bands that can't be put into a category. [x] have hobbies. [ ] skateboard. [ ] play an instrument. [ ] have slippers [x] wear boxers [x] wear black eyeliner. [ ] like the color blue. [ ] like the color pink. [x] like the color red [ ] like the color green [x] like the color black [x] like the color purple [x] like neon colors [x] like to read. [x] like to write. [x] have long hair. [ ] have medium length hair. [ ] have short hair. [ ] have a laptop. [ ] have a pager. [x] have a cellphone Are you... [x] bored. [ ] happy. [x] sad [ ] Hawaiian. [x] blonde [ ] brunette [ ] a redhead [ ] Samoan. [ ] Filipino. [ ] Korean. [x] British [x] White. [ ] Italian [ ] Black. [ ] Inuit [ ] Mexican. [ ] Asian. [ ] a Christian [ ] a Muslim [ ] a lith [ ] a Hindu [ ] a scientologist [x] an agnostic [ ] satanist [ ] short. [ ] tall [x] just right [x] realistic [x (not emo though)] an emotional kid [x] lazy. [ ] talking to someone. [ ] IMing someone. [x] scared to die. [ ] buzzed. [ ] high [ ] caffeinated [x] sleepy. [x] annoyed. [ ] hungry. [x] thirsty. [ ] on the phone. [ ] in your room. [ ] drinking something. [ ] eating something. [x] ticklish [x] listening to music LOOK AT ME x Whats your natural hair color?: blonde x What is your current hair color? blonde x What color are your eyes?: green x Current Piercings?: ears x Long or Short Hair?: longish...not as long as sam's but whose is?? x Straight or Curly? straight...but getting slightly wavy with age.. x How tall are you?: 5'3-4" x Whats your shoe size?: 8 1/2? sometimes 9...depends... CURRENTLY WEARING x What shirt are you wearing?: really cool grey top that i love.. x shorts/pants/ are you wearing?: baggy sweatish pants...ish... x Socks?: none x shoes? none x Underwear?: greenish thong x Necklaces?: none x Bracelets?: none THIS OR THAT Rock or Rap: rock Coffee or Hot Cocoa: hot cocoa Baseball or Softball: baseball? i don't care? Wild Night out or Romantic Night in: romantic i guess.. sometimes both... Chocolate or Vanilla: swirl Hummer or Sports Car: sports car Bracelet or Necklace: necklace History or Science: history Sleep in or Early to rise: depends on how late i stayed up the night before... Beach or Boardwalk: both? mebbe beach...shit i don't know.... Hoodie or Tee Shirt: t shirt Night Or Day: night High School or College: college White or Black: black love or fun: love California or Florida: california Simple Plan or Good Charlotte: ?!?!?neither. Love at first sight or Learn to Love: whatever is stronger Babe or Baby: baby HAVE YOU EVER Kissed the same Sex?: don't remind me....not my fault... Hugged someone?: yes Been on the phone until the sun came up?: no but close...by like 2 hours.. Put a song on repeat for more than 2 hours?: hahaha yeah... Flashed anyone?: no Mooned anyone?: no Laughed so hard you pissed in your pants?: yeah probably Got in a fight with someone (not including siblings)?: not like a fist fight... THE LAST person you talked to in person?: my parents... person you talked to online: crapet...? person you talked to on the phone?: sam or crys drink?: diet sprite---my burping FUEL laugh?: something online that i found humorous an hour ago last time you had a shower?: ....yesterday...? hahahaha i need to shower... RANDOM Do you like surveys: sure What kind of shampoo do you use? herbal essences Are you scared of what life will be like in 10 years? not scared, anxious you get along with your parents? sometimes...but man they can piss me off Are you old enough to vote? no... :( Are you happy?: nope. Are you sad?: yep. you have mental breakdowns?: not like regularly but once in a while yes.... Did you ever tell your parents you didn't feel good so you didn't have to go to school?: heh heh all thee time.. CURRENT -Current Mood: ill....pissed...sad...basically all the negative ones -Current Music: matchbox twenty, just finished no doubt though...it's a playlist ok??? i can't help the randomness of it all!!! -Current Taste: cheez-its... -Current Hair: dirty and kinda wavy.. -Current Annoyance: fucking stuffy nose and voice being lost for the 4th time this year!!! after never losing my voice before!!!! GOD DAMMIT -Current Longing: love. -Current Thing I Ought To Be Doing: showering heh -Current Windows Open: none -Current desktop picture?: autumn scene -Current Favourite Music Artist: like single dude? ville valo...kurt cobain... -Current Favourite Group: HIM....? -Current Favourite Book: haha i dunno i really need to read more... -Current CD In Stereo: Metallica-Ride the Lightning -Current Video In VCR: um.....alice in wonderland i think. i realized how fuct up and ghey it is and i hit stop. heh. -Current DVD in DVD player: Saved! -Current Worry: will he change his mind? did he? what will happen between us...

1. List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will. 2. Don't say who they are. 3. Disable comments. 4. Never discuss it again. ____________________________________________ i promise it's fairly entertaining. maybe you're on the list...who knows...should be fun trying to figure it out though right? (think about it. i don't know THAT many people so it's pretty likely whoever is willing to read it is on it...then again...maybe not...*pinky to mouth all dr. evil style*) BY THEE WAY if you find me acting like SUCH a hypocrite in one of these, it's because i'm bitching at myself. heh i'm insane i know...it's just something to remind me of how much i need to cool it sometimes. but yeah i'm not just yelling at someone for all the shit i do too. :P ____________________________________________ 1. What on earth is your problem? What could I have possibly done to you to piss you off so much? You have the nerve to consider me immature yet it is your own immaturity that is keeping you from even getting to know me before suddenly despising everything that I am. How is that fair? I'm willing to wipe the slate clean if you would, but i'm not so naive. I know that you would never want to lower yourself to my level and even attempt civility. God forbid friendship. The saddest part of it all is that you seem very intelligent and like a decent person to get into discussions with. I really wish we could know eachother on different terms, because I'm sure we would have gotten along fine. But whatever, you can go right ahead and be your superior bitchy self. Enjoy your karma :) 2. I need to deal with you in small doses. Seriously you can be so blind and naive that I'm ready to smack you...that sounds mean but it wouldn't be so bad if we just dealt with eachother less. You can really piss me off a lot and you are just so selfish all the time! Get over yourself and stop thinking that all those guys are friends with you because they genuinely find you a good friend. Face it, they all want you and it's pathetic that you let it continue. I know that on some level you realize the truth and just enjoy the attention. I feel so sad for that. Stop being so damn conceited. Uggh it drives me insane how much of the typical highschool idiot you are. You date multiple guys--all of them shit catches--then end up heartbroken, you cheat on tests to slide by in your classes, you smoke god knows what, drink, etc. when you could be so much better than that! You're becoming a bitch. And not even an intelligent one... 3. My god you can be blind to your hypocrisy. We really should be seeing less of eachother because it seems that the more I see of you the more you and your vanity piss me off. I know that I piss you off too...all the more reason to stop talking from time to time. Honestly you can act the same way I have with certain things, and then if I casually bring it up you FLIP. Because it would be oh-so awful for you to be anything like me. What pisses me off the most is how you can do no wrong, I'm always the bitch. I'm always the one who starts the fights and seems to be the only person yelling...because apparently you never yell back or start shit for no reason. GOD just accept some responsibility once in a while and quit assuming yourself above everyone else. I'm completely sick of it. Then if I do something remotely like something bad that YOU did (but of course won't admit to) then I'm wicked. I've done something horrible, and it's impossible to fathom that you could have done something as bad or worse. Get the fuck off your pedestal. 4. Sometimes you amaze me...and other times you disappoint me. You're so great to hang out with and yet you can become so flaky and dependent on other circumstances that it drains your charm. Potential is being wasted! I always wondered if maybe the reason we get along so well is because we don't deal with eachother that often. I rarely see you so that could be a good thing. You rely far too much on boys, and then again I do too...so that's not why I put you here. But because I do it too doesn't make it right. I don't even see you enough to know WHAT to rant to you about. I just know that it's probably for the best that we don't hang out. I think you would get on my nerves after a while (as well as me to you). And how do you always manage to have a new guy to turn to after your heartache? It will never cease to amaze me. God just be more careful...I can totally see your life taking a dangerous turn because you don't see the bigger picture of it all. Slow down. 5. You used to be really great to be with and now you're becoming such a shit. What the hell is the matter with you? I can understand having issues but letting it consume your personality is just too far. I swear I don't know WHY I even bothered with you in the first place anymore. You really need to work out whatever fucked you up so badly. Sometimes I really fucking hate you. And wish I never met you. I wish I never let you hurt me. I miss you, but only who you used to be. 6. I envy your ability to be so comfortable with yourself. Look, you've really discovered who you are and you're happily with someone. I truly envy your security and self esteem. I wish I could be so sure of myself and most of all I wish I had the chance to find love as often as you do. 7. Hey what happened? We used to hang out and talk and get along all the time but you never even speak to me anymore. It really makes me sad because (well I thought) we used to have such a great time talking or hanging or whatever. Fine fine you have your life, I just wish I could be a part of it. And not in the way of most people who just want to be with you because you're like so totally cool and popular and they want that sort of companionship. I just dug hanging out with someone who was cool and intelligent and funny. It makes me sad that we will probably never be "good" friends. P.S. I think you should re-evaluate how you act around the people you like or don't like, just flow and quit putting yourself SO out there for the world to see and potentially like. 8. I do NOT appreciate you making all sorts of assumptions about me when not knowing the whole story. Seriously you need to relax and get to know me before you assume that I'm superficial because I bought ONE expensive outfit, or that I always talk about how mature I am when all I ever said was that that's what people tell me so I roll with it! I hate that you don't get the whole story and are ready to jump to so many awful conclusions about how annoying and bitchy I am. Yes I can be at times, but can't we all?? UGGH I swear I'm ready to fucking strangle you. I thought you were my friend but you have absolutely no problem talking shit about me and knocking everything that I do when really you don't know me and are going by ONE TIME incidents. So I bought one expensive outfit...that doesn't mean I only like expensive things, it just means that I liked the outfit and I could afford it. Oh and you think I'M immature?? What about people who won't fucking tip someone or who just leave shit all over the place for someone to pick up because "it's their job"--and so what if it is? It's called being fucking responsible you shit. I'm such a mom I know...I don't give a shit if you think that of me because it obviously shows how little you let yourself get to know me before making your decision. 9. You talk too much. Seriously you don't know when to quit and no one gives a damn about your problems. Maybe they'll be kind enough to hear about it the first run through, but after a while that seems to be ALL you talk about. Everyone is so sick of hearing you whine about the SAME shit day after day. Yeah you will probably never get over what it is that has hurt you so badly, but keep it to yourself once in a while! You can also push peoples' buttons and just do not know when to stop. You need to relax more and quit being so uptight...and just fucking shut up once in a while...no one gives a shit that you'll be alone forever. Even if it is true... 10. God you just suck. When you're by yourself you're really not that bad, but as soon as you get by one of your obnoxious, immature friends you become just as bad or worse. Like what, you have to impress them?? It's sooo fucking annoying. And embarrassing. I seriously can't stand to be around you when you're with anyone else because you just become this obnoxious, heartless ASSHOLE!!! You wonder why I get short with you when you say stupid shit? And then you and whomever you should be with decide to use me for target practice for your cruelty. Thanks. Thanks a LOT. I hate having everything I say get pounced on and being made feel like such an idiot. I just wish you would STOP and quit pretending that you're original and individual, because clearly you are not. If you were then you wouldn't need the little posse that you have following you everywhere. I can't repsect someone who becomes someone else around other people just to be 'cooler.' In fact it's really pathetic. Shows insecurity and lack of maturity (yes I rhymed and i don't FUCKING CARE).

heh i totally stole this from someone. oh well. it's pretty damn accurate. the conservative thing is wishy-washy. i'd like to hear the other viewpoint but at the same time i couldn't be with someone who completely opposed my views...maybe if we were both moderate and slightly swayed to opposite sides it would work :) Your dating personality profile:Romantic - You know exactly how to melt your date's heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have.Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.Your date match profile:Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date.Your Top Ten Traits1. Romantic2. Big-Hearted3. Liberal4. Practical5. Intellectual6. Adventurous7. Shy8. Wealthy/Ambitious9. Traditional10. SensualYour Top Ten Match Traits1. Big-Hearted2. Conservative3. Romantic4. Practical5. Shy6. Intellectual7. Adventurous8. Sensual9. Traditional10. Wealthy/AmbitiousTake the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them! What Is Your Seduction Style?

finally. the family scene completely sucked. each day was just....uggh....miserable. it did get better towards the end, but still, a lot of shit happened and i don't plan to repeat any of it. i'm too tired to say any of what happened right now, because lemme see....oh yeah! because of this stupid effing trip i haven't had much sleep in 4 days. so i'm off to bed to catch up on my much needed rest. haha you should see me...i look like hell. haven't really done my makeup in a few days, i have these dark circles around my eyes, and i'm all pale. it's pretty sick. i think i AM sick. blech. but yeah better get to my beauty rest....should be back again in like oh....36 hours or something? jesus CHRIST i need some sleep. 'beauty rest' to repair this damage? hahahaha..... but let me leave with this. my bitch cousin whom i've always been a little jealous of because everyone just LOVES her because she's so pretty and perfect and bubbly (gag)....she was such a bitch to me this weekend. do you know WHY??? because i'm FINALLY HER COMPETITION!!! i was like YES! oh and not only that, but she's smoking and drinking and partying(heh if you catch me drift) now. little miss holier-than-thou-please-don't-say-the-lord's-name-in-vain-christian-prissy bitch is worse than me, the heretic. the apparent heretic. oh yeah and she's from louisiana and racist too. HAHAHAHA. i win. now she hates me because i'm her competition and everyone was giving me attention for once. mwahahaha. that is the ONLY good thing that came out of this weekend.

Will you miss me? I'm leaving tomorrow morning extremely early to drive 10 hours to New Mexico. I'm not exactly looking forward to it...blech... But yeah I'll be gone for a few days...probably be back on Monday? Unless they kidnap me or something. Oh great something new for me to worry about haha. I'm not a big fan of my family, so I don't want to go, but obviously I have to. The only good thing about this is possibly upstaging my perfect cousin, and even then that might not work. I might not have the chance to show that I deserve some attention too...she may still be the favored. What the fuck ever I don't even care. Isn't it perfect that I have to visit my family on the weekend that I'm going to be uncontrollably irritable? Ahem. Sam understands. Oh well. More gifts? I don't really care about that I guess...I just hope I get gift cards or cash so I have some money to get all my friends something for Christmas. I need to SHOP. But I put it off? whoops.... well i hope you all miss me while i'm gone. hope i don't die. goodnight. save me.

tonight is gonna be christmas for us apparently because we're leaving friday morning (at like the crack of dawn...hell maybe earlier) to go to new mexico to visit our fameelee. looking oh so forward to it, cantcha tell? hmm i wonder what i'm gonna get....lol i hate having to open presents, i feel all on the spot and watched and even if i am genuinely enthusiastic about what i got it looks fake. _________________________________________________ ok so i just had my early christmas. DAYMN. well a couple weeks ago i got a really big gift which was this wicked awesome bed-set with down mattress top thingy, a down comforter, down pillows, and a new sheet set (black of course). AWESOME. then tonight i got The Way We Were which i've been dying to see, my mom is a genius....i also got this neat metal thing for my room that says dream, and i got the Twilight Zone first season!! which i TOTALLY wanted forever...and then.... dun dun DUN.... I GOT A NEW VIDEO IPOD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA christmas totally rocked this year. life is good.

TEN FIRSTS First Best Friend: Lia something.. First Screen Name: *shame* Tigerseye007 First Pet: Sitka, my dog... :( First Piercing: Ears First Crush: Someone named denny? in kindergarten... First CD Bought: Probably BSB First Car: N/A First Love: ...real? no comment. figurative? johnny depp. First Stuffed Animal: this clown thing, it plays a song, but it's all weak and for some reason it totally depresses me and makes me want to cry... NINE LASTS Last Alchoholic Beverage: memosa the other day Last Car Ride: the other day i went shopping with my mutha Last Movie Seen: welcome to mooseport lol. hey my credibility is not completely lost, i watched the godfather last night Last Phone Call: dad probably Last Song Played: jewel-down so long and three days grace-wake up Last Bubble Bath: years...? Last Time You Cried: few days ago Last time You Laughed: today Last Time You Fell: i'm always falling... EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: no not dated. but something? Have You Ever Been Arrested: No Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Nope Have You Ever Been On TV: i don't remember Have You Ever Regreted a Kiss: yeah Have You Ever Lied: Yes Have You Ever Teased: hehe mebbe...*twirls hair* SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING: 1. Bra 2. Shirt 3. Pajama bottoms (that i don't sleep in because they get too warm, but they're cute so i wear them now) 4. 5. 6. 7. haha that's it....oh underwear. lol. there that's 4 SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY 1. woke up 2. bathroom 3. checked email 4. watched tv 5. transferred diary entries from lj to sd 6. talked to sammay FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER 1. Love 2. Art 3. Movies 4. Music 5. Photography FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO 1. Sam 2. Kat 3. Crys 4. Pete/Olivia (they're together so it's the same basically) THREE CHOICES 1. Hot or Cold: Cold 2. Black or White: Black 3. Chocolate or Vanilla: Swirl TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Fall madly and passionately in love (of course have that love returned) 2. Have sex. lol. ONE THING YOU REGRET 1. Something i did to someone that i didn't even realize, but ruined our friendship...

And singing of course. I don't know why but for some reason I feel like twirling around (preferably with a large shawl/cloth thingy for the extra stevie nicks oomf) and maybe singing my la-la-la's for a while. I got some really nice shirts the other day...they're like blousses(?) uggh. yet another thing sam hates. the list seems to be growing as days go by...but she hates the word blouse or the plural of such. Whatever, they look nice on me :) And i feel all pretty and mature and sophisticated. I'm FINALLY getting a style where people don't compare me to sam. no offense dahling, but it gets old after a while being considered your side-kick. I'm sick of it. I really need to do a lot of art over break, but I procrastinate and I'm lazy so who knows how much I'll really get done. Although I did notice a sudden surge of ideas going through my head this afternoon, so maybe I will get something done. I don't feel like writing an especially long entry today, to be honest it's mostly because there really isn't all that much to say. Other than the fact that basically all I've done today is eat...I don't know why but I felt this desire to constantly put something in my mouth (no dirty references please, I'm a sophisticated woman now you see^). I really need to get out here. Away from food as well as other things...I need me some freedom. I will probably watch the Godfather later, it's a classic and always interested me in the back of my head so I may as well get started on my burgening film career at a young age, no? Heh. Goodnight, there shall be an update if anything even remotely entertaining happens tonight...but don't hold your breath.

I give up. It's really over. I'm nothing anymore...we're nothing...just a faded memory. I only miss who I thought he was. Now I just wish I could forget. So I give up.

Today is the first official day of break. I guess yesterday kinda counted too because school was out…but I didn’t really FEEL it. Today doesn’t feel like it either but oh well. I can’t help but feel almost sad or something…I just feel sad for some reason. It’s not just because of him, to be perfectly honest I’m so infuriated with his recent behavior and immaturity that I find him extremely annoying. Personally I’d rather sit here and enjoy my music than have to deal with him at the moment, I think I just feel lonely…I dunno. I don’t miss him. I miss the person he used to be or maybe just the person I thought he was…I just want to move on with my life and find someone better. But I can’t help but feel I’ll never find that? It’s so sad how proud I am of all my finals scores…but really my grades suck. I’m a great test taker but I am so damn lazy I never do my homework. So I have nothing but B’s and C’s even though I aced all my finals. Oh well, maybe next semester I’ll feel the need to excel or something. As if. This is funny, that song by Greenday just came on… ‘Good Riddance’ and every time it comes on I find it annoying, when I love the song. But my version (not that radio edit) has the very beginning where he attempts the intro twice before actually getting it right. And that redundant sound drives me nuts…so I tend to skip it before it actually gets to the song that I loved…seems to be the story of my life these days. Haha a Greenday song is a metaphor for how I treat my life. Things start out crappy and I skip it before the beauty comes. This means I’m LAZY. Well didn’t we all know that already… 10.11. Joseph is my homie. Joseph is a rabbi I picked up last week. He dances to Hava Nagila. He also comes in key chain form and is on my one key. I have a house key and yet feel the need to have a huge key chain dude on it. So I don’t lose it you see… I had a bunch of weird dreams last night. I always manage to do that…and if I wake up a few times in the middle of the night (like after each dream) then that’s the only way I’ll actually remember them. What I love is my school dreams, they always manage to kinda look like the school…but seem to be a more stretched out version of it. Like the quad is much longer and the cafeteria (not really a cafeteria, it’s all outdoors, it’s just like tables under a roof thingy) is bigger and had many many more carts. Almost in some kind of a blockade formation so I couldn’t get to the one I was looking for. It was bizarre. I always manage to be looking for someone in them too. And of course never find them. Or like I see them and am chasing them but can’t quite reach them. Haha in my dream last night it was the last day of school and I wanted to say goodbye to him before break (oh what a coincidence, that’s exactly what happened yesterday). So I was like following him to his class and tried to get a hold of him but he kept walking so far ahead of me…yep. That tends to be the dream I have. I’m chasing him or looking for him and can’t find him. I remember that I could run really fast though? Haha I remember seeing him up in our area and I was in the cafeteria area (which usually aint that far) and I ran up then all of a sudden he was gone. Thus began my search. I seriously love how the school gets warped in my dreams. It’s all stretched and there is like actual GRASS instead of just construction dirt shit. I miss…. So yeah it be thee wee hours of thee mournin and I must be off to do better things. G’day.

Ok so thank GOD today was my last day of finals. and i think I’m quite pleased with all my grades...well not necessarily the general grades of my classes but definitely my final test scores. I have to brag, it is all that gives me self-esteem, so listen if you feel so inclined. In order of course… -In English I have absolutely no idea what I got on my final. BLAST. No big, I don’t think I did that well…but that’s what happens when you don’t read the damn book or study the notes. Oh well, I had a high B or an A so even if I did bomb it I’ll still have a B in the class…so not too bad. -Math I think I got a B- or a C on the test. Not really a problem because even if I aced the test I still would have a B in the class. Basically if I got anything less than a C I would have been dropped a grade. So I didn’t exactly exert myself to only get an 85% or something in the class…to me a B is a B so it don’t matta. -French…damn…I didn’t do so well in French…I only got a 97.5% on my test. Shit. I’m so ashamed. Heh, Madame was the one who decided to bring that grade to my attention, and how horrible of a student I am. I really don’t belong in that class…I’m such a disgrace. -History was totally the best. Not only did I ace that bitch…I believe it was…shoot what was it? A…316 out of…300? Was that it? Oh yes yes. So I got more than a hundred percent on my hardest class. YES!! -In art I was finally able to get an A. I had to basically watch her put it in the grade book…not to say that she couldn’t just change it after I left. But dammit that is so A quality. Sadly it doesn’t look like me very much…but it does upside down? It’s driving me nuts, the nose is off. Of course that’s the hardest thing for me to draw ever so I shall fix it and then mebbe I can put it in my portfolio. Sam had a bad couple of days. Hello Sam. Heh she’s watching me write this. Oh well fine maybe she isn’t…hmmm maybe I can write all sorts of evil devious things about her. Oh damn, I have been caught. For another day… We’re bored. I’m mad at someone, heh I take pleasure in that. Jack in the box must DIE! That sick putrid filth must be banishED. Yeah I’ve got nothing else to write…except… WE'RE ON BREAK!! NO MORE SCHOOL FOR THREE WEEKS!! FREEEEEDOM!!!!!!!!!

today was french and english finals. french was pretty easy and i think i did well....but incidents surrounding french class were not so great. sigh. i'm pathetic...i still don't believe a word he says. he said he would still come back...but how i do i know he's not just doing what jesse is doing for his gf? how do i know he's not just waiting till after finals so it doesnt make my situation worse? haha that's a stretch i know...but honestly i can't believe anything he says...i don't trust him. he's right. i would if he came back but oh look that hasn't nor will it ever happen. so i don't trust him. yeah so madame thinks i'm so smart that i should take the national french exam. i was like fine fine if i must...hahaha. so yeah she was like begging me to take ap french next year...so i guess i will? i just don't know if i have enough time. there are so many classes that i want to take but like no time to take them. i REALLY want to take creative writing but when? next year i'm going to have english, history, p.e., french, and math if i don't decide to skip it. i don't know what to do...math is one of my best subjects, so i should really stick with it..but i'll have no time for another elective if i do that. UGGH. i want to take creative writing and art and lit mag and psychology and sociology and strategy...there are so many. but so little time. bah i may just have to take 6 classes next year. greeeeat. wtfever i'm sick of everything. english final rocked. i of course put it off further and didn't have my book report or essay or journals...and i didn't study so i think i actually bombed it? but i finished an hour early and got to go home. so that's good. i got to leave and not deal with everyone...twas nice. i need to do my work, and study for history tomorrow. i think if i ace it i could actually get an A in the class? i'm not sure....mebbe. oh yeah sam was mad at me today. i'm not mad at her for being mad...it wasn't even really that big of a deal. i thought it was kinda funny actually. coz i was just like standing there talking then all of a sudden EXPLOSION. i was like duuuuude....oh well. no big. was just kinda funny how like peaceful i was trying to be and then wham. oh well she apologized so it's cool. too bad i didn't see the message till after she left...uggh and my mom EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY feels the need to nag me about a)everything b)cleaning the house c)my homework and such. whatever. i'll get to it when i can ok?? gOd. __________________________________________ living my life. so get the fuck out of it.

today i had math and the gapper (art). both teachers i am done with for EVER!!! HAHAHAHAHA. actually eaton(math) isn't bad, i used to really like him coz he was pretty chill...but my GOD the madman got all pissed at me for not standing for the flag salute? and he was like giving me this disgusted look for the whole day. i was like...dude wtf.... gapper is just pure evil. that woman has made it clear to me how much she can't stand me and how much i bug her... yes. how much i...bug her. today i "really outdid myself" with my art final. it was a self portrait from a photograph, and actually it turned out pretty good. i'm not saying it's perfect (hello we only had like 2 hours to finish the damn thing), but it did look somewhat like me. it looks EXACTLY like me when it's upside down. ooooh big whoop. oh well, gapper said i did a good job so who knows. ha. if i ace the final i might get a C. that sounds so fair...considering how much labtime i've put in and how i have the amount of assignments required....but because i bug her, i get a C. nice. mm....ehh....mlah...i think i have a cut on thee roof of my mouth...must inspect...heh im insane. stupid chips. they slice and dice me insides. how rude is that?? so yeah looking forward to getting tomorrow's finals overwith. english and french. HA! i have two different languages on thee same dhey. that's awesome. french i wanna get OVER with as fast as possible (for many reasons) and then english is pretty laid back. unfortunately i have a ton of work due for english...work that i must complete tonight....so yeah. should be interesting. a book report, two essays, my journals, and actual studying of a book that i never read. go me! jenn took me home. we blasted nirvana. riiiight next to a convertable and i rolled down the window (duh what's the fun in blasting wicked awesome music if you can't force it upon innocent bystanders?). heh everyone in the car turned around and looked at me like i was some huge bitch. ....mebbe. we were laughing our asses off when we pulled up next to thee short boos(bus pronounced in french) and the driver had her window down. we were like SCORE!!!! now i'm hungry. so i eat. bitchin.

today is the first day of finals week, but not thee first day of finals...yeah. i'm so screwed. i should do my math review like NOW but i'm lazy and keep putting it off but really i should just do it. if i get a C or better on the final i can maintain a B in the class. no use in striving for an A on the final, no matter what it shall remain a B....whatev. then in art gapper explained to me today basically how much she can't stand me, how much i suck, and don't belong in that class, and how she doesn't want me in her class anymore because she's so sick of dealing with me, so she's sending me to another art class that is in a different period and therefore completely screws up my schedule. thanks a lot gapper. so yeah final tomorrow, i have to ACE it to have a C in that class. how does that work? oh yeah she hates me. i'm not just being a stupid teenager...she seriously hates me. see above. and i have jenn as my witness. she was being fucking mean about it...gaaaaaah. she said i could MAYBE pass with a C. and i'm like wtf why??? i deserve at least a B in that class. uggh i hate her. so i have to work my ass off to get a fucking C. what a waste... yep. i'm screwed. wish me luck! d..o_0..b heeeeeeeeeeeey........

So yeah sam had like thee worst couple of days ever...so my mom and i kidnappED her. twas fun. my mom decided to give me my christmas present (my big one of the year) and i am sooo happy. i've always wanted a down comforter/bed set thingay for like...always. heh. as i said. yes. so yeah i got pillows, a new feather bed thing to sit atop my already existing (and piece o' crap) futon "mattress", a comforter, and brand new sheets/pillow cases--in black. it is like PEUF (poof, but pronounced even better-er). i swear to god it's like sitting on a black cloud (which for me is cool). and i was like hey sam...you can totally use this too (um duh she spent the night? tards...) so yeah we landed on it and went PEUF(poof). i love it. love it. love to cuddle in it and my god it totally swallowed me. oh yeah and it ate sam's ipod. and my remote. damn twas hungry... OMG I GOT A RABBI!!!!!!! (yes rabbi, not rabbiT...i'm not that lame) his name is joseph. he dances. to hava nagila...?....if that's how you spell it. and i got him in mini key chain form as well. heck yes, i am so cool now. i shall wear him as a necklace (the mini one of course)...and be scoffed at. but enjoy him i shall. mwahaha. i almost named him jesus. but that was just simply too obvious you see, so joseph he shall remain. dude this rabbi is wearing sunglasses. my life is complete. oh yeah and sam and i were listening to the nineties station on my t.v...and dear GOD they played the same song at least three times in the course of half an hour. no exaggeration necessary there my friend. like every other song was "Blue" by Eiffel 65 i think it was. sam haaaaaates that song. i used to like it when i was a wee one. so im sitting there cracking up as she's like going into convulsions as the song played yet AGAIN. we eventually changed the channel...so it very well could have played more...we will never know....gasp. and garlic jack cheese. goodnight.

like fatty food. i hate it whenever i watch (bits and pieces so basically i've seen it 4 times) Super Size Me, because it makes me CRAVE burgers. i mean i know that the point of it is to show how awful the effects of eating all that fast food can be on your body blah blah. and i totally understand it, so i don't eat it often. but the entire movie they just keep showing you food. lots. and lots. of food. so now I CRAVE THEE BURGERS!!!!! must eat. must eat. BUT i refuse to make it McDonalds. that shit is just nasty. if i'm gonna clog my arteries and cause a potential premature death, then i'm damn well gonna enjoy the ride. yep, you know what that means. In and Out. i don't feel the need to write a longass entry today (crys, you can sleep easy tonight) today is sam's birthday. lol her berfday. HAPPY BERFDAY SAMMY!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHA i'm sure she'll just looooove the sammy part. i NEVER call her sammy. never will. only sam, sometimes samantha but it's usually followed by dahling. her mom is the only one who can call her sammy and not totally remind her of karina. lol eww. she's horrified as we speak...... so yeah. goin to grand panda tonight...i plan to eat the vast majority of the sweet and pungent chicken. steve can just deal with it. i bet you anything he'll call me a pig or something...but i'll just be like...*holds up mirror to show him his own pig-like attributes and lifestyle*

i give up? mebbe...mebbe not...we can't be sure. time will tell. (time being the next week that i have to figure it all out) but i refuse to sit and pine forever. it's just too draining...and really i don't know how long i'm gonna live. seriously i'm not trying to be all melodramatic, i just have this weird feeling that i'm going to die young? so carpe diem. seize the day. and i shall. i hate wasting my time. i hate that feeling so much it's sickening...wow i totally dig the sound of the saxophone. it's totally that lame smooth jazz shit, but it's the beginning of a dire straits song and it sounds awesome. HA. ADD. oh yeah cool poem i wrote. it's not good...and it's kinda childish coz it rhymes but i love rhyming poems, i think they sound more authentic when they do....i dunno. i'm insane remember? Now look at what you’ve done After all that we’ve been through Yet haven’t we just begun? I know now I loved you I want to stop missing you It hurts like never before Seems that no matter what I do I push myself out the door So why are you running away? I don't know what I did wrong There is so much I need to say Why did this have to last so long?? I’ve held my breath in waiting That someday you’d come around But you'll continue hating Leaving our lives unbound All that here we are Is what I'd wished we'd never be You leave us in the dark Is this what you want from me? One day you'll realize what you left What you let go Because I’m the girl That loved you in ways you’ll never know You held me close Said everything would be alright Said you cared about me And I thought you might Then you looked into my eyes And I thought for sure it must be true That you, so perfect you Could someday love me too Even in my long goodbye I’ll never let it go No matter how our story ends No matter all my sorrow I see you do no wrong I will always love you Why can’t I just move on?? You aren’t who I once knew... When I say I’ll always love you Maybe I truly will But then I remember how you treated me How nothing I am to you still Love is blind But now I see The you and me That wasn’t meant to be I once loved to see your face Now all I have is fear All misery soon erased And then you too shall disappear So I say goodnight to you And leave you with this After all you’ve put me through A kiss is just a kiss

oh yeah. i don't know why (ha. bullshit, i know why...i just don't feel like mentioning it) i'm FUCKING PISSED. i'm just in a very angry mood. like normally (these days, as events have been...) i've wanted to listen to the more melodic music and such. oh hell no. today i'm listening to nothing but loud 'angry' music. basically NOTHING melodic. melodies=sadness=memories. angry loud heavy music=mwahaha. today really sucked. it was just....oh man so aggrivating. some people..they just GOD they're so stupid. but mostly gapper. she told me today that she was going to send me to OR. um...WHY????? i don't do anything bad in that class, i don't defy her, i don't even really disrupt it in any way. do you know what she was going to send me for?? she was going to send me to OR because she's so sick of 'dealing' with me...and how i take my sweet time to get out my work and how i talk a lot. first of all, i don't talk loud enough to disrupt anyone, i just talk to my friends in that class and the majority of the time it's actually about developing my art ideas. SHE is sick of dealing with ME???? and then sure i don't have very much work done, but i'm not doing anything BAD. certainly nothing that deserves OR. honestly the woman hates me. and here is proof. you need to have a few steps to get sent to OR in the first place (i had none), and the only time that's ever overridden is when the kid is being awful. like swearing or beating someone or like brings a gun into class and threatens...i did NOTHING of the sort (even though i may have wanted to...) the woman is insane. oh ok let's send her to OR because i don't like the fact that she is discussing things with other students and takes her time to get out her work. and this isn't just me being blind to what i did wrong...everyone around me was like what the hell was that about??(when she pulled me outside to talk to me) and i was like she's sending me to OR. and they're like wtf why??? --because they all know that i didn't do anything wrong, nor deserving of punishment. the best part is why she changed her mind. because she didn't want to impair her perfect record of never having a student even get a step, much less OR. oh...i'm so glad i didn't damage your delicate record...how ever would i have lived with myself...*rolls eyes* but amazingly i was extremely polite to her the whole time that she's telling me this. she's basically telling me how much of a pain in her ass i am (i never do anything that would in any way affect her, i'm very passive with my annoying qualities like ooh talking), how much she wanted to send me to OR and how much i don't belong in the AP class, that i'm as immature as a junior high kid (ha. ask anyone who really knows me, i think they'll disagree)...and all this as i'm nodding my head saying oh ok. i'm sorry, i didn't realize...ok ok...oh ok...i'm being annoyingly polite through all this. oh yeah, i'm the immature one. nice. god if i hated her before...that was nothing compared to now. especially since i KNOW she hates me too. luckily jenn was kind enough to give me a ride home and i offered to buy her lunch for her troubles. we went to taco bell where i ate like a PIG. god i disgust myself. lol. there were a million cops out. like there were just so many cops...we must have seen 11 of em (heh. yes 11) and then she saw crystal sitting on the grass being talked to by a cop (yes another one) i was SOOO bummed that i missed it. but it's ok, we were blasting ozzy through thee streets of thee scv...so all is well. i'm in a much better mood than i would have been had we not gone to lunch. puke, imagine if i had to take the bus. woulda made my day so much worse....