At work at the moment, yes Action Tiles. Winter is here :( its so cold and miserable. Today being a wednesday means that i have to drive laura to dancing. It is also the 4th day out of 7 for mike to call me before its over between us. he had a week, a weeks nearly up. as much as i dont want to do this i have to. its killing me inside knowing im going to walk away from him forever. but i know if its meant to be he'll prove himself within the next 3 days. well at least thats what im hoping. my facebook addiction is ruining my life. and its just about lunch time. good old mums soup. yum.

so i dont get whats happening with the headers. their all mumbled up. meh so haddads being a dick. wont let me put my 2 m7 fines on his roam tag. because he has no money on it. does he forget that only last week i put $50 of my own money on there and now im not even allowed to use it. grrrr i have another migraine, 5 days this headache has gone for. 3 of those days were migraines. today i had half a mars bar. it must be the culprit. ill keep that in mind. work is busy busy busy. i have tenders coming out of my fucking ears. but im not winning any jobs. wtf am i doing wrong. not much else is new. im on lauras laptop which means its fixed. i was so angry at haddad i needed to come online and release my anger. man im broke.

looking back not alot has changed. its Thursday, April the 23rd. Saturday is ANZAC day again. Haddad and I are still together, still happy. not so much crazily inlove, but still inlove. Mikes still in the picture, i have been talking to him alot more than i should i guess. were pretty close lately. things have gotten a bit more real. although hes still not here, things have progressed slowly. being nearly 19 ive finally decided if i cant get him to me, ill have to go to him. which i will do eventually. So i worked at Amber Tiles for 18 months. I was then unemployed for a week. I am now at Action Tiles, working for sue & steve ivers, where i have been for maybe 3 weeks now. its not bad. I miss Angie Duncan alot. you know maybe should write in here more often, so its not about whats happened for the last year, its about my feelings and whats going on. Yes whenever i have a spare minute il keep in mind to write how im feeling and why Oh P.S i have to see a psycologist for my crazy antics, if not haddad will leave me. :)

is been a fucking long time, there is so much new going on but i dont know where to start. he coming over here either end of this month or beginning of march. then i will know my reason in life. once i haeve him in the flesh i will know why was put on this earth. i love him with my heart && my soul.. xx

so i didnt post my letters today. im a dickhead, i get carried away with social things and never ever get things done on time. grrrrr i went shopping with julia & instead of going straight home i decided to do a detour past brits house, i ended up getting home at 8 oclck. now im tired and im going to bed. xxx

got a big day ahead of me today, i have about 30 christmas cards to send out. and i need to ask the post office how much its gonna cost me to send mikeys package in the mail. ive just put a load of washing on now ive gotta hop in the shower, call brittney see if she wants to come with me and then go. i wish i could just have a lazy day today :( well im off. xxx

well shit, looking back to then not much has changed. ? i still love mike and cant wait for him to come out & i im getting sick of haddad more and more each day i hope that mike is true to me and that he is what ive always wanted. its nearly xmas and nearly mums birthday. i am so strapped for cash and i still have a heap of shopping to do. saving to do and my car to fix. december, always tough cant wait till summer:)

i dont know what do do about mike, me and haddad are back together officially again. and i love him. i was thinking about it today how much i love him, and that i never wanna be with anyone else in my entire life. he is my world. this is my letter from mike.. taryn never think to urself that ur another one of those "girls" because u have never been another one of those "girls" to me ur always be taryn who i love dearly.. i wud never put dis much effort into you sending letters or send u a email or still keep talkin to you if u meant nothing to me. and i wud never "chat up" a girl over the internet taryn it started with u and it ended with you. anythin else its just a friend. these people that ur love as friends.. than there are people that u love as more than a friend and love them sooo much more than anythin and i love you like that im sorry i dont really show it aspecially now.. im sorry for alll this shit ive made u go through or how much ive hurt you most likely.. because ive never ever wanted to hurt you i'm sorry that ive made u go through my mess.. and its my fault... have a good life with haddad taryn.. because u deserve to be happy. love you always & forever. MIKES ADDRESS michael taylor 40 lincoln ave tawa wellington 5028

its haddads karaoke birthday party tomorrow night, hopefully things go well :) i dont know where i am in my life. i am so stressed out, i am so lonely, i am so heart broken, but at the same time im happy, im excited and things couldnt be better. my head and my heart are in two different places at the moment. my head tells me to stay with haddad and be happy for what i have with him, my heart tells me to be with mike taylor, every song i hear reminds me of him, that make me want to cry and bleed with the hurt that my heart is feeling right now. i need to be with him so badly. i feel like im nothing without him, and that feeling gets stronger every single day.i wish he would hurry up and come live in australia so i can be the only girl in his life, and so he can be my boy. we were made for each other. we just have to get to each other first

today was cold and miserable, and what makes it worse is that i am still very sick. it its 1:00am and i am not tired at all. i just finished reading a book called Mao's Last Dancer by Li Cunxin. it is about a young boy who becomes one of the worlds most respected ballerinas.while having to live through chaos, disaster and famine between 1961-1980, the time when Chairman Mao ran communist china.it was an amazing book, it got me thinking about alot of things. like how much i take for granted, when this poor boy was so unbelievably poor he ate one dried yam a night for dinner. There is so many people online tonight, but no one seems to want to talk.maybe everyone is in the same quiet mood that i am in. my brain is thinking at 100km/h but yet i dunno what im thinking about. no one is on myspace :( my birthday in 3 weeks. yay :) goodnite. xxx

WAKING UP THIS MORNING FELT LIKE I HAD SLEPT WITH SANDPAPER IN MY THROAT ALL NIGHT LONG. MY THROAT WAS SO UNBELIEVEABLY SORE I COULDNT SPEAK.MY NOSE WAS RUNNING AND I FELT LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT. SO I DID MY USUAL THINGS, WOKE UP WENT AND SAT WITH THE FAMILY, WELL THE HADDAD FAMILY AND ATE VEGIMITE ON TOAST THEN HEADED UP TO UMINA. UMINA CARAVAN PARK HAD BEEN HIT WITH A MINI CYCLONE SUNDAY NIGHT, 150 KM AN HOUR GALE FORCE WINDS. IT WAS UNBELIEVEABLE! CARAVANS HAD BEEN FLATTENED, TIPPED ON THEIR SIDES, RIPPED APART, AND DOORS AND AWNINGS WERE NO LONGER THERE. LUCKYILY OUR CARAVAN WAS ALRIGHT, OUR AWNING WAS GONE AND THE ROOF WAS LEAKING, BUT AS LONG AS OUR ROOF AND WALLS WERE UP WE WERE GOOD. SO I WALKED AROUND TAKING PHOTOS OF THE WRECKAGE THAT LOOKED LIKE A WAR ZONE. THE PARK WAS OFFICIALLY CLOSED AND IT WAS ABSOLUTLY DESERTED. I AM ABOUT TO HAVE SHEPPARDS PIE FOR DINNA, AND THEN I MIGHT GO TO HADDADS.

It feels like it has been years since i wrote in here, since i cared enough to write in here. From now on im going to make the effort. Im going to try so hard to keep my feelings and thoughts wrapped up in a neat bundle tucked away in a box. Hopefully that saves me and Haddad before my moody bitchiness makes me loose him. I quit my job. I need to find another so badly, I dont have enough money to buy cigarettes.

From the age of 5 i have known Sarah McNamara,and now shes gone. words cant explain how empty i feel, words cant explain how much i love her. i am about to go to the funeral, i am about to say goodbye for the last time.. Sarah♥ R.I.P darling, i love you. xox 13/08/06

Would you dance If I asked you to dance? Would you run And never look back? Would you cry If you saw me cryin' Would you save my soul tonight? Would you tremble If I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this. Now would you die For the one you love? Hold me in your arms tonight. I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. Would you swear That you'll always be mine? Would you lie? Would you run and hide? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? I don't care, you're here tonight. I can be your hero, baby I can kiss away the pain I will stand by you forever You can take my breath away

SO LAST NIGHT I NEVER CAME BACK ON 'LATER' SO I DECIDED TO COME ON NOW. I JUST CLEANED MY ROOM AND THE SPARE ROOM, LAURA BATH RANG ME SO I DECIDED TO ORDER A NEW INTIMO PEWTER BRA, INSTEAD OF PURPLE I ORDERED IT IN PEARL. I AM SO EXCITED I LOVE NEW BRAS. TONIGHT IS THE 2ND MATCH OF THE ORIGIN, QLD WON THE 1ST MATCH, LETS HOPE THE BASTARDS DONT WIN AGAIN TONIGHT. EVERYONES GOING TO JOSHS TO WATCH THE GAME AND TO PISS UP. IT SHOULD BE FUN. I AM WAITING FOR MUM OR LAURA TO COME HOME SO I CAN BUGG WHO EVER LOST THE TWEEZERS, MY EYEBROWS ARE SHOCKING!! I WISH I COULD FIND A JOB, I AM SO DESPERATE. HADDAD GOT FIRED WHICH MAKES THINGS SO MUCH WORSE NOW WE HAVE NO MONEY, WE ARE PRACTICALLY BANK RUPT. NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO HIRE ME. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?? ITS PROBABLY THE FUCKING EYEBROWS, ITS ALWAYS THE FUCKING EYEBROWS..

i am so sick of this cold weather, i am so sick of it raining, i think i would rather be in drought then be constantly cold and miserable. lets hope that the rain is at least falling in the dams, other wise it will all be for nothing. My room has to be clean by thursday, or dad gets my simcard for a week!once its clean i will want to pull everything apart and start painting. i hate that im like that, i hate that when i do something it has to be done perfectly.i am going to clean my room, its 2:00pm i will be back on later............

i sleep during the day. i like being alone when i cry, i always find myself on my balcony. i think alot, maybe to much. im a disappointment to many, and loved by some. i listen to the same song on repeat for months. i dont sleep good. i have hit rock bottom over and over again. i could never live alone. i would give up everything for someone. i care to much about certain people to the point where it will end up hurting me. im lonely and ignored. to fully hate someone with all you have.. you have to of loved them at some point. im the last to know something. when i can't talk about something that bothers me, it eats me up. i cant say i have that one person that will always be there for me. i have been through friends like there is no tomorrow. i cant beleive what you say mostly because i have been told it before. i have seen someone hurt themselves. i like not doing anything. i would change who I am if i could. i live for the times i have with my aunty. i dont have many people that i can count on. ive been told that im worthless and that i should give up. i dont care for alot of people. i am who i am. i cant be independent even if i try. im not always negetive, but i look at the down side to much. i like to waste time. i feel alone alot even when i have someone. it never goes away.

I cant even begin to put into words how lucky I am to have met someone like haddad. Someone who has allowed me to use my heart and love to the fullest extent, someone who has allowed me to laugh with out holding back, & to let me feel so much. He has been so much more to me than anyone else has been in my life. He has been a stranger, an enemy, a friend, a best friend, && the boy that I have fallen in love with, with every look at his face. We have put each other through so much and though sometimes it feels like we should just give up and run away we never once have been able to. && I know that its something I could truly never do. Without haddad around I just dont feel right. I dont feel like a whole being. No matter what happens or where I am hes inside my head keeping this smile upon my face. I thank him so much for everything he has done for me. & for loving me. Although we havent always been this happy or this beautiful doesnt mean that we didnt care for each other. I will admit that no one can make me as mad or upset as haddad can, but thats only because I love him to death & I am so scared of losing him We have fought , cried, & screamed but here we are. Smiling. Staying strong. & I will believe that it will continue to remain that way. I found so much through his heart. It feels like the first day of summer with every step i take. Ive learned so much through his eyes that I cant help but look into them every chance I get. Ive never been able to cry for someone else the way I do him. When he is upset, I feel the weight of the world stomping down onto my heart. When I see him without the biggest smile on his face, I feel so low. So small. Its hard to believe that someone like him could deserve an ounce of sadness. I refuse to. Most of all haddad is my best friend. He sees me late at night when im tired & confused and too sleepy to realise all the dumb things I say. He sees me when im sick, unshowered & hideous. He sees me when im at my best && at my worst. But no matter what, I feel my best with him. Taryn & haddad , together forever.

yesterday haddad, blake and i went shopping or my birthday present. haddad bought me a pair of earrings and a beautiful ring. he gave me the earrings early but i have to wait until my actual bday for the ring. i have to get it resized anyways.. i sat up all night like night reading a book called the boys from binjiwanyawanya by robert.g.barret. its a really weird book but i still dont want to put it down. on tuesday i am going to bonny hills to see mums mum and dad until friday, then on the saturday me and gracie are jumping in her car and driving to katoomba for yule. i am so excited and then the week after its my birthday. i hope the next two weeks go really fast, i cant wait until my bday!

I am so inlove and i couldnt be happier.Im finally satisfied with someone. Actually, Im more than satisfied. He is my everything. My now & my future. He makes me so fucking happy. He gives me everything I could ever need. He loves me,makes me laugh and smile, and he showes me he really cares by listening to what I say and actually taking it all in. He knows how I think and how I feel better than I know how I think and feel. He knows me from the inside out and I am literally the luckiest girl on the planet to have him in my life. At this point, I actually feel like I need him. I have no idea what I would do without him. Without him, who would make me happy? Who would make me smile? or laugh? or blush? I dont think anyone could ever make me feel the way he makes me feel. Thats how I know im completely and so deeply in love with him. i wanna marry him today and fill my eggs with his sperm and we can just sit around and chill for 9 months until our beautiful baby pokes his little head out and says hello.