Things had been going really good lately. Mike and I had started getting along better, and started being 'friends'. And i use that term loosely because friends for us, means acting like we're dating but not putting a title on it. We'd been spending every single second of our free time together, kissing, cuddling, having sex- the whole 9 yards. Well tonight we made plans to go see a movie with my two friends. I had to work and when I got out, I went to go meet him at a really nice restaurant to maybe grab a few drinks and hang out with him and his cousins. Well when I got there, I saw Courtney, this girl who he had been just friends with- who I wasn't really particularly fond of. It's not that I had a problem with her, or that I disliked her- but I just wasn't too keen on her. Well, Mike was drunk by the time I got there, and I had made a comment about him and Courtney being on a date, which set the whole night off. He immediately started calling me a piece of shit and being rude with me, this and that. He ended up leaving me, my friend Jen, and Courtney at the comedy club. By now, I had already smoothed things out with Courtney so we just decided to go have a girls night. And he kept calling me to tell me how stupid I was, and what a shitty person I am.. and how I start problems wherever I go. What I was mad about was the fact that we had made plans to go see a movie with my friends and I didn't want to blow them off- it had nothing to do with Courtney. So he calls me and tells me- we're done being friends, forget about him- yadda yadda yadda. The same thing every time he's drunk and we end up fighting. And it always ends up the same. I know things won't stay the way they are, but the question I'm asking myself right now, is 'should they'? I love Mike with all of my heart, he's my best friend.. he's just... my person. I go to him for everything, and he's like the only person I hang out with. But honestly, how much longer can I deal with someone telling me how much of a piece of shit I am, and does and says the things he does to me. Do I really deserve to be treated like the bad guy ALL THE TIME? I honestly don't know why I'm still in love with him sometimes and why I still want him around and want things to work out between the two of us.. What I should do, and at the moment, I'm set on- is not calling him and trying to work things out and put this fight in the past and revert to our usual tedancies. I need to just ignore the whole situation and live my life without worrying about him. It's just not fair to always have to be the one to chase someone. I just don't think he'd end up making a first step towards following me at all.. and if that's the case- then I don't need to be involved with someone like that. Love should be a mutual feeling- not one person feels one way, and the other feels sort of the same way but not completely. We've established the fact that we aren't meant to be together right now.. but should we completely end everything? I don't know if I'm that strong. I know Courtney went to go hang out with him after we all went our separate ways- which just adds salt in the wound, even if she has a boyfriend- people aren't always the most loyal or have the highest morals. Why can't I just find someone who feels the same way I do about them who treats me the way i NEED and deserve to be treated.

Some days are hard- well, every day is hard.. some just have their moments that are so difficult to deal with. The reason Mike and I broke up was because we had a lot of problems- none of which I actually solved. I tried for a day or so to fix the issues that were so detramental to our relationship, but then I got comfortable and reverted back to my old self destructive habits. We had a long talk yesterday.. about an hour. He really is my best friend. I think a best friend should be there to give constructive criticism and tell you where your faults lie. Nobody else I know will do that. But Mike never kept his mouth shut if something about me was bothering him, or wasn't neccecarily a positive trait to have. I realize so many things about myself that are negative and I always vow to change them, however, I never do. I'm not quite sure why.. so it's time to really start trying I suppose.

Mike is the first boy I ever loved. He is five years and three months older than me, a US Marine, a genius, and the most amazingly wonderful person I have ever met. I love Mike with all of my heart. And I really think I always will. I realize this may be typical for everyone to say about their first love, but I really think I will love him til the day I die. I have never met anyone who makes me feel the way he does, and I have never come close to feeling the way I do about him with anyone else. To me, Mike is flawless. Well okay, he is not perfect- but if I could imagine someone being so close to it, it would be Mike. I think because he is so perfect, I want to love him forever.

I met Mike during my second semester of college, his first. January 19th, 2006. We talked all through our class then went out for a dinner and a movie. As the night ended, and heated up.. we decided to start dating- although the details of that are somewhat sketchy. Over the course of the next few months, we spent EVERY day together. And finally the day came.. where the 'L' bomb was dropped. Until then, I had never been in love before, nor had I been in any serious relationships. The whole experience was very new to me; it was exciting, and wonderful- to say the least. We went through minor problems; none too big we couldn't overcome. I'm not quite sure exactly when things started to go downhill, but they did and fast. Around the beginning of August, we decided to take 'a break'.. whatever that means, I'm not too sure. It lasted a month til we finally called it quits. Or rather, he did. Now, before this, we had a few minor breakups, all of which lasted about three hours til things were fine, but devasted me nonetheless. However, things were different this time. The beginning of September is when my life should have taken a whole new turn.. but instead, I continued down the same path. Instead of working on the issues that I had which were detramental to our relationship- I sort of costed and hoped he would deal. By now, I was in deep. The kind of love that hurts SO bad, but you just can't walk away from because when you're good, you're walking on clouds smiling down at everyone. We continued to sleep together and act like a couple- without the lable. This went on until mid january when he got a new girlfriend. It lasted all of a week, but it was painful nonetheless. After that ended, we got back together for - yep you guessed it - a week. Which brings me to today... I'll leave out the gory details which have happened all in the last year.. they just don't seem worth remembering at this point. Now, the reason I'm writing this today, and not 8 months ago, is because for some reason, I actually believe him when he says "it's over- totally and completely" I never did before. And I'm still not 100% sure if I do now.. which is why I'm writing this. So let me explain what it is.. I'm writing, 'The Breakup Chronicles' - to document my experience through something which I believe will be very difficult to go through. Hopefully I don't make the same mistakes as last time, and wind up writing a part 2.

I'm writing these following entries in dedication to every girl out there. It's an inevitable experience in everyone's life to experience the pain of having your heart broken, and the tragedy of it the first time it happens. I'm writing this, mainly to my little sisters: Madison, Kaelyn, and Emma.. may they have more luck than I have so far, and may they realize that pain is only temporary-- regaurdless of how traumatic it seems. But most importantly, I'm dedicating this to the reason I'm writing this today: Mike. I hope through writing this, I can gain some sort of self discovery, as well as hope and strength to move forward. If that's what I'm supposed to do, I'm never too sure. Mainly, because I've lived by the Dawson's Creek quote: if there's just one piece of advice i can give you, it's this - when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. and when you've lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you're gonna wish you gave it just one more shot. because the best things in life, they don't come free