Ten Reasons why Santa shouldn't be your role model. 1. He has children sit on his lap. Do I hear a mild case pedophilia? I blame the parents for this one. When a random man on the street asks a child to sit on his lap, he's arrested on the spot. When a man puts on an oversized red suit, he's pardoned from all illegal accusations, and actually has pictures taken of him. 2.He's a quitter. Where are my gifts? I've been waiting all these years Mr. Claus. 3.He's obese. What kind of role model is overweight? 4.He's on drugs. Can he ever stop "ho ho ho'ing" for just one minute? Only two types of people laugh that much: people high, or a husband at a mother-in-law's funeral. And munchies--he's eating all these cookies for some reason, right? 5.He's pro-slavery. Enslaving Elves is not the way we do things in America. Legal only in China where they work in sweat shops for pennies an hour. 6.He's against the World Wildlife Foundation. Those poor reindeers have been shackled up and rendered useless, only freed to the open frigid-air once a year. Animal abuse is his forte. Somebody phone the ASPCA. 7.He's a criminal. Where does he get all the money to provide these faux "gifts" each year? Something tells me he's been stealing credit card info and illegally purchasing these items. America's Most Wanted, you have a new #1 criminal. 8.He's practices wicca. No, this is not the Chinese pronounciation of "wigger". Anyone who manages to live 150+ years raises an eyebrow. Only one answer for this mystery: witchcraft. 9.He's a communist-racist super hybrid. Big. Red. Pointy cap. 'Nuff said. 10.He's fake. But you knew that already. For those (12 year olds and under) who didn't, sorry to spoil things and smash your dreams.