It's my birthday today...not that anyone bothers to remember my birthday. I'm eighteen today... joy. I'm legal... whoopdifuckingdoo. I thought of him today... realized that the seventh was the day he left me the first time last year... Everything reminds me of him.. I'm trying not to dwell, though. I'm trying, really -trying- to move on. He'll always hold a part of me, there's no changing that... but I'm hoping I'll learn to feel again. I'm starting to... I have a crush... That's a good sign. But... a crush is often just that...a -crush-. Consider the butterfly... in strong fingers. Maybe, though... I'll get lucky this time. If only luck was on my side.

Valentine's Day I hate Valentine's day... Everyone all flitting around, curling up cozy with someone else... It reminds me just how tired I am. Tired of hurting...tired of caring... tired of all the people poking and prodding and insulting me..tired of being a marked man, tired of heading shitlists, tired of being desired dead simply for being me. I'm tired of the crushes...tired of the desire, and the lust. Tired of people trying to "make it better" and then throwing my words in my face... Tired of the claims that they understand, tired of wanting someone to understand... Tired of hearing people warned behind my back that they shouldn't listen to me, I'm only looking for a reaction. Tired of being warned not to fuck up again... he's giving it another shot, he can't survive a second time... Tired of no one thinking about my needs... Tired of never thinking of my own needs. Tired of the photos... Tired of needing them to prove my existence, to show I came from somewhere and look, here's my mom and dad and sister and they didn't really want me, but that's not the point, and doesn't my mother look happy here? They were happy before me. ...and this is my brother...and that's Dominic and here's my dog and my ex...I'm really real, I swear, don't try and tell me I'm just a fake, I did come from somewhere, but no, don't throw them away, I need them to prove I'm alive. Tired of looking at the bottle, musing over a sedative or even...maybe...no.. not heroin... I can't survive withdrawal a second time. But god DAMNIT! Just a little... to make it all sky high and wonderful. I'm tired of the world... And I'm tired... of wanting the one person who makes all of it go away.... Because I can't have him.... And that pain... is tiring.

It's been a while hasn't it? I've been spending a lot of my time thinking; about my past, my childhood... It has come to my attention recently...that I have an older brother. His name is Bastien. Growing up, I was unaware of my siblings, until I hit fourteen. Shortly thereafter I met my sister, Lily. I met her when she became my legal guardian because the rest of my family refused to take me in. It's not as though I can blame them; I was already a teen and I'd been through so much...trying to raise me would be a risk no one would want to take... my foster families made that clear. In any case, Bastien says he's been looking for me for at least a year, searched Paris and New York, but he found me in Germany... I didn't mention that; I went to Germany with Tan. We're living with his family now, and it's nice, honestly, quiet. Jester is loving the yard and the house is nice...although it negates any need to work out... the place is HUGE. His brother is nice... frightens me a bit, though, more because I have so little experience with family workings, -AND- he knows -EVERYTHING- that goes on in that house...and that's creepy. Anyway... so Bastien is -REALLY- tall...kind of like Nic, really... Actually, I think they're the same height. Bastien has all sorts of questions about my childhood... and isn't as though I want to deny him, I mean, he's my brother and I want to know him and have that relationship... but I hardly know him and I can't just spill my life to him. Maybe it's because he is my brother... When most people ask...I tell them what I lived through...even if I do omit certain facts and details. And depending on the person...it can be a quiet, serious discussion...or a bitter, vehement battle on my own part... but I just...can't find it in myself to tell Bastien anything...and I start feeling like my old self again...and I just...say nothing. I can tell how frustrated he's getting by the way he looks at me...but I just sit on his window sill and stare outside... I never say anything until he lets me leave... and then it's just a quiet "Good night". Sometimes it scares me, how I can't talk to him...how much like myself I feel when I get trapped in those conversations, one-sided as they may be. It makes me think of how I lost myself after my sister died, after Dustin died and I was just homeless in a country I'd only lived in for two years...with no Dominic...no Benni... no Central Park, nothing truly familiar...except the Theatre, which was just as much Hell as the streets...but I could fool myself into thinking it was home. And it makes me wonder... if I don't talk soon...will he go away? And if he does...will he come back? ...or will I lose him? I don't want to lose him... I'm just not ready to talk yet... Maybe if he just...told me about him... I think I'd like that.

You need someone loyal.People have let you down since forever and youhave always been left by yourself. Your lifespark is now barely flickering and there is abig feeling of emptiness and hopelessness. Youdon't know what to do anymore in your life andeverything has a sense of meaningless to it.Though you're not only sad, you also carry hateand many grudges on people. You have a hardtime letting people in, but with your historyyou don't even desire that so much anymore. What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics] brought to you by Quizilla Your wise quote is: "Love is life. And if youmiss love, you miss life" by LeoBuscaglia.Yes, love is indeed what you desire in yourlife. If you have it or not is another matter,but it is in your eyes the most importantfeeling. You tend to be a romantic dreamer andwant you and your love to have that kind ofperfect love that you hear about in fairytales.However that can be hard to find, but itdoesn't mean you are going to stop looking. What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED brought to you by Quizilla Your element is Ice. This element may seem a littleodd, but this is a side-effect from when theelement of Water gets to hurt. Once you were acontent soul, and happy with life. But thensomething happened. Not necessarily on one day,it probably happened gradually over time. Youlost your will to care and became even morereserved from the world. People had hurt you inways you do not want to remember and now youisolate yourself from them. You have turnedinto an outsider and probably dress more inblack than you used to. Your depression iseating you up and tearing you apart and theworst part is that no one is willing to help,or so it seems. In school you are often byyourself or one single friend and you rarelyseem to be truly happy anymore. Your sad,distant eyes and constant frown seems glued toyour face and you need a saviour from thisworld. You may turn to music for understandingand sing/scream along in the lyrics to get ridof some pain. You are not very open about yourproblems to your family/friends, and wish thatthey would just notice it and make it go away.Rate and message! What is your element? [with pics + 7 outcomes + detailed answeres!] brought to you by Quizilla

This will serve as a character diary for Orchid. It's something I've been debating doing for ages and finally sat down and set up. Feel free to leave comments in or out of character.