well rick was in a mood this morning and got us both angry then i thought we were actually going to go somewhere together just me and him but... that isn't happening... which isn't a surprise... and well let's see... nothing interesting has happened since yesterday except me and Rick argued while i played on the computer and he watched video games... i hate that... him always playing games... doing nothing with just me but watching tv... and having sex... i wanted to go to the mall and just look around... but he doesn't want to... i will have money soon... so that i can shop.... but i will never go to the mall with him... I'll have to wait until i have a license and my own car.... but even then i will have to explain myself because that is what i have to do... explain... why do you want to do this why do you want to do that... oh and rick doesn't think i love him... which makes me feel so good... it's like no matter what i do it's not right... and you know what i hate it... i try so hard but i can't do anything right... i just feel like i am no good and that i don't deserve to be in this relationship... because i am just... no good... i know i can do things differently but it seems like it is just to hard to change and i hate that feeling... i feel ugly stupid and no good all the time... i know I'm not stupid... and rick says I'm not ugly... but no one tells me that i am not not good... rick does actually or he did... he used to tell me all the time your beautiful you are perfect but now the compliments have just about stopped and it's like i was right the whole time but i know that i have a purpose i hate a reason to live i have everything i want and need and that is rick... he may not know that i love him this much... but i do... i love him so much... and if he doesn't know that then we may not work... i have faith in us i know we can work it's just if he wants to and if i can change and be less worrisome less bitchy and start believing in myself... i know that it is hard to change when it has been this way forever... but i will try and if i can i will change for the better... i love rick and he means alot to me... so i will... deal with everything i need to so that i can continue to be with him for the rest of forever... so long for now miriah