Why is it everyone can formulate a healthy romantic relationship except for me?

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People can be confusing. They act the way they've acted before. They do things they've done before. The phrase "I love you." Are those normal words for a boy to say to a girl? Even when used in a friendly connotation, they feel like more. Every touch, from giant hugs that never end in end in being lifted and spun around to when his hand accidentally touches yours (though his hand moved in a way that seemed planned) feels like the world. He seems excited to see me. Am I inventing these feelings in my head, or could this be mutual?

I never update this thing ever. Well so since the last time I wrote, I have heard just about every rumor possible about Chris. He likes just about everyone ever, apparently. He's apparently not a virgin now, I don't really wanna know anything more about that. I got over liking him so easily it makes me question if I really liked him. I know I liked him, but I think this might have just been a rebound relationship. The only thing I can't let go of is just how fast everything changed. One day he was telling me how much he liked me and everything seemed so solid and then a couple days later it was completely gone. He's changed though, he drinks and smokes now, and he thinks he's so bad-ass for doing it. It's one thing do that stuff, but to find yourself superior for doing it, that's just stupid. Oklahoma is over and I miss it. I made good friends and I won't get to see them possibly ever again. I go inbetween wanting to try out for "Singing in the Rain" and not wanting to. If I do, I'll be with my friends again, I'll be in one of my favorite musicals, and will have something to fill the crannies of my life that lead to my empty feelings. But I have to do a dancing audition in addition to a singing one and I can't dance. Plus I don't have a song to sing and auditions finish on Sunday. I loaned Kyle my Rocky Horror DVD on like the 2nd and it's the 27th now. I know he'll never remember even though I've mentioned it a couple billion times. Part of me doesn't even really care if I get it back. It has bad associations with it now. I have grown a new obsession with "The Office." It is just so funny and interesting and I love the love situation with Jim and Pam. It is frustrating at the same time though. I have something else I could talk about, but I think it would be better to not. Good things could happen and I don't want to jinx it. If anything happens, I will surely try to post it on here though.

All good things must come to and end. He avoided me for 2 days (where we had a total of 12 hours at rehearsal) beforehand though. I cried enough about it when he started avoiding me that I'm not even that broken anymore. He wants to take a break. Break and break up are only 2 small letters different.

I have a boyfriend. I'm going out with Chrissssss. Ahh, psyched on liife. We've talked on the phone for at least like an hour every night since Sunday night. We held hands all of Saturday night. We held hands at rehearsal last night. We haven't kissed though, 'cause I'm sick and I don't want to get him sick. I think we're a cute couple. Is it weird to say that about a couple your in? It's nice to have a boyfriend who doesn't hate me or like 14 year old sluts or fit into my jeans. In other news, finals coming up. We just started senior finals schedule today. I had my last 2 hours of PE ever. My PE shirt was completely torn up and ended up in the trash. I've been eating muchies and drinking cactus cooler since I got home, I'm gonna turn orange or something. Less than a week till schools out! And Chris getting off grounding! (Even though he like automatically goes to Las Vegas once he gets off, blahh.)

So I like a guy and he's pretty much perfect for me. Hes funny and outgoing and likes good music and hes a vegetarian and he liiiikes me. He really likes me. We held hands last night and he put his head on his lap as he watched the movie. I combed my fingers through his hair and he would explain the movie when I didn't understand it. People asked if we were going out. We said no, but we both wished we could say yes. I text him saying I like holding his hand. I text him and say he totally wants to get a slurpie with me ("Heathers" phrase meaning have sexxxx) and he replies with "uh yeah, thank you captain obvious." If only my family wouldn't crucify me for this.

So I'm sick... it sucks. My head hurts. My throat hurts. Everytime I stand up I get dizzy. Everytime I cough I feel like my stomach is going to implode. I think I had a history test today. I still haven't finished Maddies purse. I have my history of rock and roll FINAL due on Thursday. This suckss. So on Sunday I kind of kept to myself. Every now and then Kyle or Eric or Chris would come by and talk or make fun of me. (Only Chris and Eric make fun of me though. Of course they have no room to talk concidering Eric was wearing his costume and one of Chris' lines is AAHHNNNN.) I have 2 lines, no solo. I'm double-casted with Victoria, Summers sister. Shes more tolerable than Summer. She came over and talked to me for a while. Then when we were practicing the dance for "The Farmer And The Cowmen Should Be Friends", we all had to get in 3 circles. One group had 3 boys and most of the major characters. The second group had a bunch of little girls. The third group had me and Eric and Victoria and Emma and Keili and some people I don't know. I had to hold Erics hand, ewww. We were so disturbed. But at the same time, hes the one who chose to stand next to me! Retard, ahaha. I over stretched my leg while doing that, which is still sore. Then we were trying lifts, which is where a boy picks up a girl and puts her on his shoulder. So a bunch of people tried it. We had like 4 boys there, but they tried picking up different girls, mostly 12 year olds. Then someone goes "WHAT ABOUT KYLE PICKS UP BROOKE?!?" And Marta goes "Yeah! Try picking up Brooke, Kyle!" Like what the heck?? There are only 2 different pairs of people who have gone out in "Oklahoma" and someone just so happens to pick us?? Well he tried, I fell over screaming. Then Chris tried, he did it perfectly. He said I was the lightest one he picked up. I asked who else he had to pick up. He said "Pretty much everyone, Annie, Isabel...." I was like "So you're saying I weigh less than 12 year olds?" And he said yeah. So I was like burnnnn. Hahahahaha.

Blarg, I think I'm sick. I feel weak and not hungry (NOT normal) and I am kind of cough-y and stufff. Plus it's like freezing. I'm really excited cause today it my first rehearsal but at the same time, I'm hella scared cause Taylor isn't going so I have to fend for myself. Hopefully Chris and Becca and Kyle and so on help me, haha.

Oh my god! So I looked in someones script (they wouldn't give me and Taylors cause we haven't forked out our money yet) and we found one of my lines. So I watch "Oklahoma!" to search for the line... And I have a COUPLE lines. AND I HAVE A SOLO IN "OUT OF MY DREAMS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am like one of the 'Lauries friends' with the most lines. I'm so happy!! So tonight we got to go to the thing and Erics dad knew my name! And Nesse said she was glad I'm in it this time! I was happyy. Kyle didn't show up. Sunday is my first rehearsal.

I'm a psychopath. I'm a total weirdo. I still really really like Kyle. He dumped me like over a month ago. And thats just so pathetic. I'm just so pathetic. And I still think I could have some sort of chance. I'm delusional. Tonight I got a call from my good friend Amberlee asking if my sister and I wanted to go to a improv night at the Livery at 8. Despite the fact that I've been sick and missed the last 5 DAYS OF SCHOOL my mom let me go. Weird. So we show up at Amber's house at 7:50ish and Ambers still getting ready but Choate was in the livingroom with her mom so we went in there and hung with them. Her mom got up to go pick up Chris. Amberlee finally came out and us four hung out around her house waiting for her mom to come back with Chris. After about 20 minutes she comes in and is like "Okay well I'm gonna go get Chris now, I just finished talking to Brooke and Taylors mom." And we were just like what the heck!? It was like 8:30 already. So she gets Chris and drives us to the Livery and we get there for the second half of the thing. It was very cool/funny/interesting to watch. Then we walked around and ended up at Busy Bee and were there for a while. Then we finally got picked up at like 10:40 and Amber's dad dropped Chris off and our mom picked us up at Amber's house. "Ethinic jokes might be uncouth But you laugh because They're based on truth Don't take them as Personal attacks Everyone enjoys them So relax!"

I got in "Oklahoma!" My name is Lucy, pretty fly, huh? I'm pretty sure she has no lines haha. Oh well. First rehearsal is Friday. Yes, I will have to deal with people I don't like. But I will also get to be around people I love being around.

I only hate 2 people in the world. Names will not be mentioned. One of them was at the dinner though. Ugh. I officially hate Toppers dinners now. I am never going to another one. Olivia always leaves really early to hang out with Ellison and people I hate show up and no one talks to me. My audition was scary. I forgot part of the song. They were nice about it. They felt bad for me, which is probably why. I'll find out if I made it by Monday. I doubt I got in, and even if so, I only got ensemble. I love how I am the shyest person ever and I wanted to play the second largest female role, who just so happens to be a slut. Well thats not gonna happen. Note to self: Never attempt to talk to good-looking people. They always know they are too good to talk to me.

I like being up past midnight talking with people I don't normally get to talk with. (Aka John) Hes funnnnn. Haha, he said he'd come see me in "Oklahoma!" if I get in! Haha, aw I already have 3 people (Rob, Tom, John) who say they'll come if I get in! I love my friends.

I'm sad. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy our time together more. Oh wait, I couldn't have enjoyed it anymore. I hate this hate this hate this hate this. Ugh. I miss him miss him miss him miss him. Even when we're a yard away I miss him. I might even miss him more then. How can he talk to me and hug me and ask about my song to try out so calmly when I feel like I'm about to self-destruct?

I am really shy when it comes to singing. So when I decide to be outgoing while I practice for try-outs and my sister gives me this disgusted face like I'm the worst singer ever. This is obviously why I am so shy. I'm about to cry. It doesn't help that I actually liked the way I played Ado Annie.

It's 1am; I haven't been up this late in a while. I miss him. And the only thing that really bugs me is, could he possibly be missing me too? When I think back to our first real kiss or the time we saw that movie and he was basically laying down on the movie theater seats out of fear (or maybe just being lazy) and I ran my fingers through his hair, I wonder, does he ever think about these things? Or are these just memories with no feelings tyed to them for him? Does he even remember these things? Maybe if I could just see him one more time and see if he looks at me like I look at him or if he looks at me like he looks at everyone else I would be able to move on.

So yesterday I went to see Cabaret with my sister, Amberlee, her parents, and Noah. It was very good, the MC was amaaaaazing. And then we went to Amberlees house and Patrick and Choate were there. So we hung out and watched Rent and ate pizza and Kamahni came. Then Andrew came for like 4 minutes and then he was like, "Oh I have to go my brothers in town." Haha. So then we drove up to Malibu to see Durrel (spelling?) and we hung out and roasted marshmellows and went to the beach and hung out. Then we drove home. It was a funnn day. Then today I went to SB with my dad & sister and I got a Beatles shirt in the sale rack at Urban Outfitters. I also got a brown polo shirt in the kids section of Target on the way home. Yayy. Oh yeah, and I cut my hair. PS- Whats crestfallen?

Uh yeah he dumped me. No one should really be suprised by that one though. The blonde boy stared at me at lunch, or so Justine says and it sure as hell felt like it. The sad thing is, every time I think about liking another boy, it feels like I'd only like them to make Kyle jealous. Thats so pathetic. Especially because it wouldn't make him jealous. And people tell me I could do so much better than Kyle. But really, I can't. It just bums me out when people say that. I'm just pathetic.

I miss Kyle. I have too much homework due tomorrow. Tom is a really good friend & is quite good at cheering me up. I started being my normal spazzy ranty me and he really helped calm me down! I wish I could have a pocket-sized Tom to carry in my pocket and make me positive! Ahahaha. Now if only Kyle would hang out with me. Maybe then I would be more optimistic. In other words, I think we are going to have to wear costumes at the romp next week. Fun!!