Feeling lost even though I'm surrounded by so many people. Feeling broken even though these pieces have been mended with black thread. Bandaids cover these bullet wounds. And I break down and cry again.. I can't explain how I'm feeling at this very moment in time. In a way I'm at peace.. but then again, I feel as if I'm in the middle of total chaos. The chaos inside this head of mine. I took a preagnancy test. The results were negative. I don't believe it. I want to... God knows how badly I want to. I'm only 17 and I'm not ready to have a child of my own. Not now.. not this early. I'm still freaked out by this whole situation. Hopefully the results are true.. I'll take another preg test if I miss my next cycle. Today is my 6 month birthday for being clean and sober. Go me? Yes! I just can't believe I've actually made it to 6 months.. and still going. Tonight I'll get my 6 month keychain from NA. It'll be great.. I'll have to speak and tell my story about how I've made it this far. And to be honest... I really don't know how I've made it this far. When I got out of Valley Hope in Norton KS, I told myself I would make 90 meetings in 90 days. But I never went to a meeting. I didn't work on my steps again. I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sat on my ass and kept playing thoughts over and over inside my head. I drove myself crazy. I had dreams and thoughts of using.. days of craving. It's truely a miracle that I've made it this far.