I am in such a shitty mood this morning. It's mostly because I am sick. I am horribly sick, and I am getting worse. I really hate being so sick and I don't know why I am just getting sicker. I just fucking hate this I can't breath and my voice sounds awful I am constantly tired. All I want is to be held and whine about how horrible I feel but no one wants to listen to that. So I am going to sit here and hope I get better my results should come back today fr my tests. And I am worried. I hate tests, I hate waiting for tests they set my nerves on edge...Riva has been on another planet last two days, I dunno why but something feels weird. Maybe it's just me. Who knows. I am just miserable. Riva is asleep right now, I think I will just let her sleep today maybe she will be in a better mood or something. My meds are making my head all cloudy I am just so bleeeeh. On other notes of my morning I sneezed like mad and fell off my bed. And the miso soup I got tastes like utter crap. Disappointing to say the least. I didn't sleep well, I was up every other hour coughing and tossing and turning and coughing and sneezing and groaning. It was horrible. Gah! why do I have to get so sick this time of year?!?! I am going to go lay down or something and cough probably and sneeze, and otherwise hate everything.

So it's saturday night. Once upon a time I would be treking the streets of my favorite party spots and having fun with my friends. instead I am here, typing on Sitdiary about to bitch yet again about my horrid excuse for a life. So strap on your willies and lets wade through my foolish exsistence shall we? I had a scrap of good news this week though, a family member of mine offered to pay for a class for me so I could get a shot at a job i can support myself on. I was SO excited and happy the thing I have been praying for finally tossed itself on my doorstep and I tell you I am ready to snap it up like an angry ferret. But like most good things in my life, my run to the finish line is brought to a screeching halt. I am staring at a difficult choice right now. Because my parents are such fuck ups they have fallen behind on my little brothers school payments. (he goes to a private school because they were tearing him to pieces in public) so now his option is yet again homeschooling. Which unless you have parents who are active in the homeschooling process (and I promise you mine aren't) you basically have a kid who falls behind and becomes extrememly anti social. Which for my little brother is a bad thing. Every kid in this family has fucked up there lives because of school except for this brother he is smart and a good student and this place has helped him soooo much. i am affraid for him had I any sense at that age I would have stayed in school and off the drugs. He is a really goood kid, he could actually make something of himself even with his attiitude. My choice you say? After my long winded attempt at you trying to get you to grasp why I even have this choice, why I have to stop and not grab this money and run. Well here it is: Do I give him the money and pay off his school debt and a few months more of school and pray these assholes get there shit together or do I keep it and hope and pray they do right by their last hope at a successful child? Easy some might say, "Why not take the money and force the assholes to pay for him?" "why not be there for him for the home schooling?" "Why even think this a choice when he may only have a few more months of school anyway?" the answer is simple, in order. -they won't -He isn't my kid -A fool hearted attempt at giving them some time to get their shit together? I won't even get into what it would do to my future if I don't take this money and use it for me. Don't get me wrong I am by no means being nooble or anything...I just don't want anyone else close to me to have to suffer the bullshit I am dealing with right now. Hopefully after this bottle of wine I will find clarity....or a hangover. Cheers.

You know I look in the mirrior and all I see is the addict in my eyes. The wanting the needing of everything I can but can't seemingly live without. That being said my depression is back and with full force, it's getting back to the 'I can't get out of bed because I can't find a fucking reason to even move today' thing. I am sitting here on my third glass of rum and all I can think about is wanting to be numb. Not wanting to feel this...my gut keeps telling me something is up with Riva, the dreams aren't helping with that either. Been waking up crying last few nights. I keep trying my best for a happy face so I don't have to listen to the judgments of my best friend. i need support and all I am getting is his cynical attitude. Her net is apparently only going out for her and everyday at the same time, I kind of feel like something is going on but that could just be my paranoia. God knows I wouldn't blame her. I wouldn't stay with her mind you, But I wouldn't blame her. Odd huh? Lesbians being all about sex and all and that hasn't happened for us in awhile. She will probably see this and get pissed off or something but the rum is kicking in and honestly I don't care. I told her before if she wants to go to go I won't hold her here I won't make her stay...besides it would say alot about her if she did cheat because I am going through a hard time. Heh...look at me Lesbian, drug addict, masochistic/sadistic bitch with no morals. Aren't I a keeper huh? Fuck it. Tonight I feel like I haven't got anyone. Tonight I want to drink to forget this hurt. And maybe tonight for a second I will feel the bliss of forgetting everything maybe tonight I will be able to smile a little I haven't done that in awhile. I am tired of this bullshit I think everyone else is tired of hearing about it too. So eh I have more to drink and this to regret in the morning.

Well today is exciting! Gears of War 3 comes out today so I am happy I am going to have something to bury my head in for a bit...I have been so excited for this game but I wake up this morning and something feels wrong like some sort of shift happened around me. It's putting my stomach in knots. Doesn't help that Riva isn't here...*sighs* Maybe it's just me..but then I'm not that naive to ignore my gut feelings considering the rate in which they are right is amazing.....I hate being alone in the morning it's fucking quiet gives my brain to much time to think. Gears Gears Gears.....yup just focus on that....god I am having such a fucking hard time lately. I hate this. I don't know what to do.

Well...here it is again the shit storm before the calm...Riva is at her friends house her mother decided to be a bitch...I feel bad I got mad when she got home...she didn't need the stress just like I don't need the stress of the whole situation...just her mother, her mother is a flying fucking cunt who I at this point just can't stand.I mean I know what it's like to have a mother who isn't going to win any awards but I don't know, there isn't anything I can say to her, her mother won't stop until she wants to...it's like waiting in a foxhole for the emeny to run out of ammo...just keep waiting to see what she throws at us next. But in all honesty I don't know how much more I can take. Her mother is trying to ruin our relationship or just trying to make us miserable, either way it spells disaster for us if it isn't handled in some way...and for the moment we are out of ideas...I'll figure something out I always do...one things for sure..I love her...I love her with all my being, which makes the pain of this all the more heavy, I miss when it was simplier for her and I..then again I have no idea when it was simpilar. Wishful thinking? But this stress I am under is taking it's toll..my mental state is taking heavy fire and my heart feels like it's running for 5 very tall people. I find myself running back into my little world I am hiding so ferociously in my little world I haven't got the courage to come back out. But something bigger that I am fighting now is my want to do drugs. I have been sober a long time and I know it's foolish but I want an escape I want out I don't want to feel anymore, but then that is the coward in me...I find myself wanting to be alone so everyone doesn't have to deal with me and I don't have to act like I am not falling apart but it's strange I feel so alone I want people around me but then I don't want them there...It's at night when it's quiet and my mind has free range that's when it's scary that's when I want nothing but to shut it up and how does a drug addict stop thinking about things? It's in the bottle in the cabinet next to the garlic salt and before the box of dayquil. I just want out. I have always just wanted a way out from all of this. And that was it but it's bad right? Ruins your life and all that....but ruin a life that's already ruined. Toju tells me to live for the people around me and thus far the two people I cherish most in the world are disappointing me to massive lengths, I don't know what to do anymore, I am utterly alone in a world wher everyone tells me I have people who care and love me but I guess I keep missing them lately...I need to let go.

What can I say even here that doesn't make me feel like a broken record? Today my life sucks. Today I don't care about anything. Or anybody. I want to lay in bed and read. I want to bitch about how being so depressed makes me ache all over. I want to stop thinking about things that scare the shit out of me and also sound appealing, I am falling apart today, I feel like I have nothing today, I feel like I am nothing today and I just don't want to deal with me so I don't want to have to make anyone else deal with me. I am a medicated mess and I know it. Atleast I am a self aware train wreck. Life would be easier if drugs made things better long term and short term. Look at me wallow I am getting to be such a pro. Woo!

I have no words anymore for this shit. Except I am fucking tired of all of this I am tired of explaining points of veiw from my eyes when I always consider yours. I am tired of feeling so trapped I am tired of everyone making me feel worthless I am fucking tired. I am fucking done. Go do whatever the fuck you want just stay the fuck away from me. I have fucking checked out. I am going to do what I WANT to do now. This isn't me I have never been like this and it's making me fucking sick. I won't do it anymore I am tired of everyone but me having a say in what will happen in my day. Fuck this. I'm out.

So I pick bad friends. But you'd think I'd picked right with Toju...I dunno why you would think that but I thought it. Figured out he tries to change me like everyone else does. "Feel bad about what you did in your past" I fucked up that's universal knowlegde...but can't I laugh about any of it? Or am I meant to hate myself for absolutely EVERYTHING I have EVER done. The hard truth of it is. I don't have a best friend anymore. I can't talk to him without feeling judged he is mad and sore because Riva has taken up so much of my time. Some of the plans him and I made got turned because of her I choose her over him everytime and any day of the week. So he pulled away and because I have my abandonment issues I pulled away and we are now mad at eachother and we try to hurt eachother. There is so much about him that drives me nuts. His lack of ambition his lack of caring his lack of fore thought. He is turning selfish last night his family was having drama not him his familt which is a bummer and it wasn't anything insanely serious...he expected me to feel bad for him cause of it. He wants everyone up his ass and to pet and coo over him and it's not in me to be like that with him. He said to give him a hug yesterday and it kind of freaked me out....I just want to hit him not hug him he is driving me nuts. I don't have my friend anymore I dont have anyone outside of Riva I can confide in...I give up. I can't trust anyone, including Riva to a point because of what happened between us that one time. I don't let people in hardly ever no one see's beyond what I allow them to. I let Toju be a fixture in my life and I am regretting it like I figured I would. Maybe I am fucking to far gone but why can't a friend exsist for me that will tell me CONCERNS and mention them like concerns, who will have faith in me and let me fucking be me.Yes I am fucking drug addict! I get it yes yes yes yes I am. But I have been clean for over a year I have held my ground for over a year I have ignored the fucking itch in my brain for over a year even during the time he fucked up relationships and tried to break Riva and I up. I gave him chances he didn't deserve I have stuck by him and always been there. I have never once left him holding the bag of his own fucking bullshit! I have always done my fucking best I have pushed my own shit aside to make sure he was alright. And now I have to sit here and wonder why I fucking wasted my time. I have to sit here and wonder how I picked such a bad best friend. I have kept his secrets never went behind his back. NEVER done anything he could bitch about. I have put up with his shit and shit from his fucking cunt of a girlfriend, his lies and everything else he has managed to throw at me. Having saiid all that. why did I stick around? Why did I give him all those chances? I really thought he would change...I think I am only doing this to myself now...at this point it's kind of that shame on you for sticking around thing...just when I thought I might have something like a family one day...my life really is a revolving door everyone in and out in and out and I get to spin in the middle watching them come and go. Maybe I should just stop looking.

Well I am listening to my best friend and his girlfriend argue...I know I shouldn't but it's kinda like a car wreck...really hard to look away from....and I can't help but cheer when he tells his gf things that I wanted to say to her....there again....WOOOO!!!! Go biffle!!! Then again he really hasn't got much wiggle room with some of the things he is saying...he has a hard time brushing things off too...I am analyzing my best friends relationship fight...I am kind of a horrible person...well better to say it here then when he gets back. That wouldn't be helpful. Oh they stopped now...well that was way more amusing then it really should have been. I love my best friend but his GF can be a fuck sometimes. Now I feel like a jerk cause he walked out and I can hear her crying. Think I will stop listening now..... Anyway Riva isn't around today. Her mom is having a party...her got over cancer party. Oi they started again...they are doing that coming down off the argument thing where they start to just talk instead of yell...you know when you strat an argument with the one your with and say everything that bothers you about them that you bush away every other minute because you know nothing will change them so not thinking about it is easier and keeps your relationship together...thing. Then you loose your temper say everything that you have been pushing away you both snap, argue, shut down get silent. Your brain pushes it back and you just talk and try to make eachother feel better after essentially beating the crap out of eachother emotionally. So now all those things that you dont ever talk or think about have been realised a little and everyone can move on there merry way. My head hurts. Speaking of which Riva and I got into a fight last night which was loads of fun (sarcasam). It was dumb which I guess is the case for most things. But whatever. We made up kinda like how my best friend just made up with his GF except her and I's fight wasn't so serious....maybe that's a bad word...her and I's fight wasn't so....fuck it, it sucked. There you go. Then again I guess all fights suck. We made up too incase you were wondering. though she just got back and she has been gone all day and the affection isn't there like when I go to my neighbors for a few hours. Eh I dunno...I need to do something fun...keep realizing I am not having a whole lot of that lately I just want to smile and not have everyone down my throat about something. REALLY hate how woes me I am sometimes. Riva is tagging pictures or something. Alright I would like to be in a good mood or something close to it today, so I will make a visible effort to a have good day. And if that doesn't work I am going back to sleep.. Wish me luck!

Yeah I am worn the fuck out. The demented family leaves on Tuesday I can hear the angels starting to sing already. Sighs~ I don't do well at night. I have too much on my mind. I am upset cause I can't seem to make anyone happy lately. All me and my best friend do is fight and my GF is upset about just about everything I have been doing lately I don't know. Ever feel like you can't do anything right? Yeah that's me. Today hasn't been great but I have been running away from it all day, think it's starting to catch up with me. I am feeling nostaligic today I keep remembering all the fun I used to have. Not that I would want to have that kind of fun again but you know, just the feeling of not caring was nice but that's the addict in me talking. I have been looking for a way to not care since I was 12 years old and I knew I COULD just not care. I am tired of arguing to be really honest and I feel like that is all I do. I either argue or I walk on eggshells trying NOT to argue then my temper frays and I have to argue. Go figure. Wish I had a way to vent all this shit out sometimes. I am tired of writing poetry it all comes out the same. I would paint but I just can't bring myself to do it. Yeah this diary is jumpy I know. My ex is turning into me, or how I used to be should I say. I know this is random but I came across something and I found out she is doing to the people around her what her and I did to eachother except she is playing my role...she grew down it's kind of weird and fucked up and I don't care so much as just curious. If I think about she is the one that made me always think people where hiding things from me because that's all she used to do. Honestly I don't know whats up with me I am just so worn out I can't seem to make sense or keep my thoughts to one at a time.

So it's 5am again and I keep having those dreams. The ones where I am standing at the bottom of a pool and my feet are stuck to the bottom and everyone I know is standinga round the edges of the pool and they are screaming at me and they start throwing random crap at me until the pool fills up and I drown. But I have had that before it's easy enough to shake off. The dreams I have trouble shaking off and sleeping again are the ones from my childhood. Incase you were wondering I have had 'Lifetime Movie Network' bad of a childhood, the kind of shit that you just can't imagine happening to a kid. So understandably I have dreams...and they aren't pleasent mostly. I hate them, it brings me right back makes me feel like a kid again. I woke up crying this time. I am used to it by now but I can't shake the feeling for awhile. The feeling is hard to describe it's a sinking feeling like I am being pulled and then panic. But eh, it's the price I pay for living through it and after meeting my girl I would say it's a fair price. Speaking of my girl, I am starting to feel bad that she has to stay up so late every night and wake up so fucking early (even though her waking up early isn't my doing). I know she says she doesn't mind because she wants to spend time with me (which I secretly am very thankful for) but I can't help feeling bad. It's my want/need to want her to do whats best for her and what's best for US. I know if we didn't sleep together every night then our relationship would suffer for it. I just can't wait until she is here, I have to wait another few weeks before I can start my medical transcription class. I am just hoping it won't be another bullshit thing and that this will work out...no it will work out, it has to I am not willing to take no for an answer, which isn't shocking considering I don't take no as an answer for anything that has to do with Riva. Getting the medical transcription thing and ultimately getting a job in said feild is what will get her to me...or me selling an organ whichever comes first. But getting started with it is a few weeks off so now I just want to enjoy the summer with her. I forgot that sometimes you have to stop worrying so much at least for a few minutes if you ever want to enjoy what your so busy worrying about. And honestly I could use the brain space, chilling out hasn't been in my repertoire and THAT'S just not like me. I like to have fun and hang out, but I feel so fucking grouchy for no reason. So I am going to chill. My demented family is going away again so I will have the house to myself again for awhile...and some time alone with my girl to get lost in her..with her. I love getting lost in her she is the only safe haven I have left and like I said i'll do anything to make sure she is going to be happy and taken care of. She really is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have too much time on my hands....and on every other part of me if I were to be particularly honest. No job. No money (this being the most depressing of things). No real plan. I had a plan but then fate and life found out about my plan and set it on fire then threw the ashes into a fast moving wind and told me to catch it....I keep laying in bed and thinking 'what now?' I know what I want to do...I know how (ideally) I would want to do it...which should be enough right? A plan and a course of action to get it done....but some how it isn't. People weren't meant to spend so much time indoors. It really does something to you mentally your world begins to shrink, your whole world becomes rotating around how much you can do within the bubble you seem to have thrown yourself in, you get comfortable you could live here forever right here on your bed as everything around you speeds through seemingly heading nowhere developing an overly cynical view of the active, while at the same time getting pissed at yourself for NOT doing anything and say you should try harder (and then don't). All I do is sit here and listen to music and contemplate on how much things may or may not suck in the near future an internal battle I have been having since a young age, and honestly people I have had just about enough of internal battles and all this is just proof that NOT doing anything for long enough will send you to setting yourself on fire and jumping off a very high building like a Looney tunes show blooper. So you wake up, the smell of the nearest person to you for some reason REALLY bugs you. And it isn't a new smell just a smell that you all of a sudden noticed and right at the time you wake up, which by now is around 2 in the afternoon because really who needs mornings when you serve no purpose? Moving right along, this sends you into a nose crinkling irritation but you sigh and move right along to your coffee because you need to be awake for whats left of the day now mind you the seed of irritation is planted it is now growing roots as you water it via the coffee (or whatever it is you drink in the morning to wake up try not to get distracted by particulars, and that kinda goes for this whole blog...I know it's shiny but lets try and focus) You open your computer and assume the position for optimal mooch and laze about to commence, you switch on the TV pull up whatever it is you are currently obsessed with and proceed to multitask (because this is the one and only skill that being stuck in your house DOESN'T decide to regress into nothing) going back and forth between downloading music googling and laughing at whatever witty and pointless thing was said on TV, before you know it, it's time for dinner and you have spent the last 8 hours in a daze where when someone asks you what you did today you as if finally coming out of your drug induced haze respond with a quick and almost depressing line of "Fine not much going on really" When in your head you go "Honestly I have no fucking idea, my day was basically devoid of emotion or any real purpose" So then what? It's the night again and we all do the most thinking during the night when the energy around us calms down takes some pressure off the confides of our minds and we think. And I don't know about any of you but I think..and think and think and think and think. Quite frankly I feel like Winnie the Pooh 'thinkthinkthink' and thinking leads to wondering and wondering will lead you to look at your life and obviously if your life is anything like I described you would rightfully be a little depressed, right? The depression slowly turns into anger because your tired of hearing yourself whine, and that person with the smell walks past and BAM! Game over, someone let joker out and your PISSED. And your pissed about everything. And I do mean every fucking thing. Only way to get rid of it is a hard drink mean music and some fucking silence. Hope and despair are tap dancing on your forehead like unlikely friends joining hands to send you into mood swings so bad your getting whiplash. And then finally when your curled up in your closet crying like you have never cried before thinking of ways to leave this earth and how many cigarettes will it take to work up the courage to jump out the window, you look at the time and realize your favorite show is on, you scramble out and park your ass in the default position. And watch it. And laugh. We are insane. Maybe it's just me, but I know of at least a few other people who are the same way. Either this whole thing is a very complicated way of brainwashing by the government or we misread the Mayans prediction and the end of the world is in 2011 and this is just the beginning. And if it is well, I watched the book of Eli motherfuckers and I am getting all of your soap and chapstick! And all the water for that matter. Even the end of the world can't stop me from a shower! Case and point, people aren't meant to be home so much....

Well it's almost over...the silence, the peace It's hours away from getting shattered by my demented family. But still I am glad that while they were gone I had time to chill out and listen to absolutely nothing. ♥ I have had the chance to chill and unwind from the past few weeks. To be honest I wasn't sure how much more of everything I could have taken without a break. I feel like over the last month alone I have been fighting everyone I come in contact with. Maybe it's me but fuuucccckkk you think the universe could have just picked one person to hate me at a time. I had my mother, my girl's mother, my best friend and me and my girlfriend got into a few fights. But then like I said I am glad I had this break it gave me a chance to refill my sanity cup and get ready for the next attack. I wish I had longer but beggers can't be choosers. I am happy that my girl and I got back to how we were, it was touch and go for awhile there. You ever just have one of those moments where you stop close your eyes and pray that when you open them everything will be different, everything will be just a dream? I had a few of those moments over the last few weeks. They weren't exactly fun...especially after I opened my eyes. But again. Feeling 100 times better now because of this break. I got to spend some time with my girl and we got to just hang out without her mom up her ass without my family being assholes. I got to just fucking chill. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a rarity that is for me, I can never relax, ever. I am always getting wound up and stepped on like a spring that someone won't let bounce back. To walk out of my room and not get bombarded by viciousness. It's..refreshing to say the least. But I can't seem to say it enough I am so happy that me and my girl got to spend so much time together. I have never loved anyone like I love that girl. It's insane everything is so different with her. Everything I feel and everything I think it's just so much more then it was before. I wish I had better words to describe how I feel about her but for now LOVE is the best anyone has ever come up with. Anyway I am in dire need of a cigarette and more coffee, so now I will begin that adventure. You know I think I like this sitdiary thing, might keep at it.