Dear Diary, I don't understand what's going on in my head. I feel lost. Jason hasn't realized this yet. I need him to search for me, I need him to look, I need him to find him. I need him to do something to take my anxiety away. I need to erase the fucked up thoughts consuming my mind. "Kiera? You in there?" I flipped my journal shut as he walked into my apartment. He's had a spare key since the day I moved in. He pays a third of the rent since he practically lives here anyways. When the lease is up we're going to find a place and move in together. I already found a beautiful apartment overlooking Constine Blvd. There's a small cafe right on the corner. It has a patio in the sun shaded by the vines laced through a grated roof. I've pictured myself sitting there reading and writing a million times, but I haven't gone. There's something keeping me from it. There's a sense of commitment I'm running from. Jason kissed me softly on the forehead and sat next to me on the bed. I used to love how he kissed me like that. Then he rubs my thigh gently and looks into my eyes. Lately, I've been avoiding the stare and find that my nerves perk up after pre- thigh rub. I expect it and I dread it; yet I don't understand why. "What time are you planning on going to dinner tonight? I have a few things I need to get done before we leave..." I asked him. "How does seven sound? I want to take you to that new italian restaurant on Mason Street and I heard-" I cut him off, "Babe, do you still feel the same way about me as you used to?" He looked confused for a second, and gave me the worst best answer in the entire world. He told me everything I should want to hear, everything thatmade me question myself. "Well what do you mean by that? Do you mean does my body ache after I don't see you for a day? That I can't sleep without you next to me or without hearing your voice before I go to bed? If it answers your question I still smile everytime I think about standing with you on the pier two summers ago in Virginia and the smell of the ocean reminds me of the way your hair blew in the wind during our walks on the beach." He looked so deep into my eyes I felt that he could see every single thought and memories that exists in there. "Of course I still feel the same way about you sweetheart, nothing could ever change that." He gave me that goofy little smile that used to make my heart melt, freeze and then melt again. I felt my heart heat up a little bit though, that must count for something.

Love. An indefinable word. An incredible feeling. I know love, I have love. Maybe love isn’t that grand. Just maybe the hoorah I felt was lust or just a new feeling. I feel so safe in his arms. When he holds me at night my heart melts as chills of security wash over my body. Last night another man held me, last night my heart melted and chills comforted me. I never thought another man could make me feel that way. He did. Could any man do that to me? I’ve never been susceptible to falling under a spell of ‘love’ when it wasn’t there. The first time I felt love, I felt it hard. I never looked, I never allowed. Until Jason. I never thought I’d find that feeling elsewhere. Until Matthew. Do I love them both? Does love even exist? Is my mind confused or is it my heart? A thousand questions with no answers. Maybe that’s what love is. Or maybe it’s a journey that beats trials such as this one. "She has a boyfriend..." I heard Anna whisper as the day fought it's way through the peaceful rest my eyes were in. I chose not to care what she was saying... I didn't do anything wrong, I just wanted somebody to cuddle. It was cold. Matthew kept me warm. Two days passed and I pretended I didn't think twice about sleeping with Matthre, yet the thought was in my head constantly. After two days I saw Jason, the love of my life. I was truly happy to see him, but the butterflies weren't there. I told him about Matthew thinking maybe I felt guilty. When I told him, I didn't feel guilty about it. Those butterflies were nowhere to be found. We slept together for the first time in 4 days. "I love you baby," he whispered in my ear. I whispered back, "I love you too." It didn't sound as passoniate anymore. He didn't notice anything different. Why did I? Were things different? Deffinately. Maybe. Absolutely not. I'm confused.

Oh yes, I’m trying to bring back the sitD stories. I used to be an avid reader/writer and it seems the whole group has faded. Come on fuckers, read it-write it whatever. Let’s restart this shit. Quick little intro for yall. I don't know whether this is a story, a fantasy or a diary. Right now it's the truth but I do not know where it will go. It will go where I want it, where it does or where I pray it doesn't. Be an avid reader. Show some love.