"Emily." I awake to see Daniel in my room. I am clearly unaware I am imagining things. Or possibly dreaming. Suddenly, he kisses me, and I guess I didn't notice that the whole world was spinning at an increasingly dangerous rate. For this one moment, I had control, almost dying of happiness. My mind reined over for a while, causing everything to change in a distorted way. For a while I was convinced Max had never died, and I felt such relif. Daniel was in love with me. Dillan wanted me back, the world was in my order. I even threw in world peace. Why not make everything perfect? "Emily." Reality brings itself to my eyes as I strain my eyelids open. My mother stood in front of me, between my messy clothes and dried flowers. "Get up, we're going to be late." "For what?" I asked, stupidly. But completly unaware. She turned around and said in a strange voice, "The funeral." Not waiting for my reaction, she quickly left my room. Rememberance is difficult in such a situation. "Oh yeah," I whispered sadly, "he died." Max was always a little short, so seeing the way the coffin was smaller than average, well, it was self-explanatory. But of course, it was never like usual. Tony, Jenn, Max, Rilee, Ashley, Daniel, Allie, Dillan and I. I guess the memories stay forever, but people don't. Left was only Jenn, Rilee, Tony, Ashley and Daniel. We didn't stand near each other, but with our parents which felt extremely lame. I guess at funerals, there was no time for friendship, when your friend dies. By the time it was over, let's just say I wasn't wearing makeup anymore. Though the day was humid, the sky began to rain. I knew it was Max. I took off my heels and let my feet slosh in the mud, the hot rain gluing my clothes to my skin. In the distance, I hear crying and soft whimpering, before realizing I was hearing these voices, not outside, but manifestly inside my heart. I stop trudging in the mud for a while and stand, letting my tears blend in with the rain. When I close my eyes, I can hear Max's voice again. Advice he gave me, those dumb phrases he used to say, expressions that signatured his feelings. A smile, always on his face, the life of the party, the sunset of the sky, a garentee he's going to heaven. Watching me. Right now.

Max died this morning. It was all pretty sudden; fairly unpredictable. I really don't think it was the cancer that got to him, but the sadness of losing his life that ate him up alive. I didn't exactly know what to think and I still don't. This was pretty much the worst timing for something like this to happen. I lay down in my brown garage which does not consist of cars, but a dark blue carpet and a t.v. Laying here reminds me of days with Max, staring up at the celing, in the process of consolation after a broken heart. Life is too short. I can still hear the voices of us all sneaking in here, half-drunk and tripping over ourselves. Watching movies together. But I guess now we're a little too busy for good times, too busy making out with losers and masturbating. I remembered Dillan and how he was in our group for a while, how we were alone for a while. I stare directly above me at a cheap light, dangling above me. I consider it to be unstable, it could fall on me and injure my eyes pretty significantly, but for now, I don't care. In the distance I hear my mother calling me, I pretend not to hear. There's a good chance she'll come down and find me, but hopefully it will take a while. Maybe even a lifetime.

hey... my apologies for the delay. ive been really busy lately... and plus, im really really concentrating on another story. i have like, 5. it's hard to keep up with them all... but in the mean time... check out askthelovers.

I walk along the sidewalk and along the lines I always lost balance on. Similiar to my life. This is where I am. This is what happened. This is where I've gotten so far. This is... everything. I step on a crack and look at everyone else's lives. Tony... is asking out a girl on the fourth of July at the beach. A girl who has no idea how lucky she is. Max has to go back to the hospital. Ashley's parents are getting a divorce and it is ripping her apart. Jenn is completly in love with Max but will never admit it. Rilee just got her first girlfriend and is "stoked." And Daniel. Well.. Daniel. And suddenly, it hit me inbetween the eyes. It's been there all along. I frantically stop and shove my hand into my pocket, my fingers searching for my cell phone. I dialed the numbers so quickly it came out completly wrong. I dialed again slower which drove me insane. Then suddenly it began ringing more than it usually does. I think I waited for forever. Then suddenly, his voice. "Hel-" "DANIEL! I figured it out. Rain check. I got it." He listened. "Daniel... one day... you're gonna find someone, who is so beautiful, that their light will burn out your eyes. A beauty that won't hurt as much." And it was suddenly, that I got over Dillan. At that precise moment, I found my beauty. And he's on the phone with me. Right now.

Allie. Allie. It was always about... Allie. Jenn, Rilee and Ashley laid down on my bed laughing like madmen. Jenn was crying hysterically from a joke, while Rilee and Ashley kept giggling "An-A- when Tony licked you by accident!" Jenn and I were on the floor almost throwing up from laughter. Rilee brought back flooded memories everyone seemed to forget. "...god, and Daniel and Allie wouldn't stop making out. I dont know where the hell Emily and Dillan were, but I'm sure it couldnt be good." She gaffawed and raised her eyebrows at me. Jenn finished "they came back like, six hours later." I stopped laughing and threw up all over the floor. "What the f..." "Shit." I ran to the kitchen to clean up. "Ash, what the hell's up with Em?" "I donno, man... but it can't be good."

"Kill me." "What happened to you?" Daniel's eyes were run over with heartache. "Al..Allie...s-she..." His voice sounded oddly farmiliar, almost like mine when I was shredded into thousands of peices as well. "She was at a party and doing drugs and drunk and dressed like a slut." I sighed. "That's expected." He didn't know how to speak anymore, although there was so much to talk about. I was so tired of this bitch. I hated her for doing this to Daniel. He didn't deserve this. "Why did she go and fucking do this to herself?! I never want to fall in love again! I never want to be with someone ever! I'm done! I'M FUCKING DONE!" He shrilled, his lungs exploding. I suddenly became so upset. "Fuck her, not all girls are like that, Daniel." "Why did she do this to herself? She deserves so much more." "Dan..." "But she was so beautiful." A rage of jelousy fertilized my brain. "I know." I leaned back on my red couch. Here we were. My basement. Usually we watch T.V. down here. Or play pool. Or whatever. Never had I consoled or had to sew someone's heart back together. But Daniel's heart was more than broken. It was absolutaly finished. "What do I do? Just tell me. You got over Dillan. Tell me how to get over this without killing myself." I laughed. "Rain check for that one."

I stand and clutch the cold railing tightly. There is a highly distinct memory which became real again. I was viewing it. I saw myself. Suddenly my eyes hurt so badly I couldn't cry. He was talking to me, but I couldn't hear him. I couldn't see him through the blurriness of my eyes. Parts of his voice got so quiet that he couldn't hear himself. "Dillan." "Don't. Em, Don't." I tried to grab him, to shake him, I wanted to slap him until he loved me again. I lunged forward. But it was too late. The first time he ever threw me off. "I'm sorry, but I can't love you in all this chaos." "D..D..il-" but I couldn't even finish his name. "I'm sorry, Emily." And he walked away. But I remember standing there until I couldn't see his back anymore. I guess I thought he would come back. And I'm still standing here. "Em." "Emmmm." Something abstract slapped me into reality. It was Max. "Are you coming, or what?" They were all looking at me. I forgot that Jenn and Rilee were next to me. "Earth-to-Emily. The MOOOVIE. Are you coming?" "Yeah, sorry, I blanked out for a sec." Jenn turned to me as we walked back. "Are you alright?" I hate lying. "Yes." Rilee ran to Ashley and here, Jenn found her chance. "What were you looking at?" I smiled. "Nothing."

Never was the one to like Daniel, but I wish I did. How perfect would it be if we liked each other. But I couldn't bring myself to. It was merely a friendship with a bond no one could rip apart. Not even Allie. But without her, it wasn't the same. But I had other friends. Tony, Jenn, Max, Rilee, Ashley, and Daniel were at Starbucks being stupid. There was a distinct hole without Allie. I remember when I introduced Dillan to my group of friends how much they loved him. He suddenly was a part of the group. When I had to tell them that he didn't want anything to do with me, I felt like I ruined it all. Without Dillan, we got used to it. Nobody mentioned him again. We were "we" without him. But without Allie, she'd been there forever. Everyone pretended not to notice. We talked of everything as usual. Inside jokes and "remember when" laughing and loving. Third grade, when we met. And fifth grade when Max got cancer and we were so scared. But to happier times when I used to date a lot, before I became known as "the independant." Before Tony was "the romantic" of us all. Before Jenn fell in love with Max. Before Max was "the rebel" before Rilee admitted she was bisexual and known as "the model." And before Ashley admitted her father beat her, once. Before she was known as "the tough one." Before Daniel's heart got ripped out of his chest, and when several girls attempted to clean up the mess because they wanted him. Somehow, we were all different but connected. I choked on my vanilla bean frappachino from laughing so hard.

"Emily... Emily..." I looked at Daniel with his eyes drowning in his tears. "She broke up with me... kill me... just kill me." I wrapped my arms around him and he just cried. I never had the voice, but I began singing to him. "Should've done something but I've done it enough... by the way your hands were shaking rather..." and he sang with me... "...waste some time with you." And the song ended, as did his tears. I wished I could make it better for him. I remembered Dillan and how I couldn't get over him. "Will I ever get over her?" He looked like a hopeless child. "Daniel..." I smiled painfully. "I won't lie to you....but you never get over your first love."

I walked the long distance back to the swings to find Daniel stopping Allie from swinging to kiss her. I decided not to bother them and began to trudge away from the park. There was nothing but loud silence, suddenly interrupted by my phone. My cell phone. Out of habit, I thought, "Dillan!" But then disappearing to find out it was my mother. I got so upset I hung up on her and began running. And I ran without taking a breath or without a thought coming into my mind. All the way to his house. Breathing hard, but not realizing how long it took, or how much I hated running, but felt only him coming into mind. I didn't know where I was going but I led myself here. Staring at his house flooded back memories and memories I didn't have the strength to think about. I walked slowly and eagerly up the steps, like I used to, but differently. My hand was on the doorbell, waiting to be pressed. I imagined the sound of the bell outside his house. But the sound of silence was too deafening to break. Suddenly, questions erupted from me, all the questions I couldn't answer. I could answer any other mathematical question, or anything, but not this. Not these. What if his mother answered the door? What would he say to me? What if nobody was home? And worst of all, what would I ever say to him? I wasn't about to find out. So I walked all the way back home.

I never got tired of being alone but for some reason I remember the long walk back to the lovers until I inhaled the poision of the flowers and my nose began throbbing. The smell stayed for a second, that second which made my heart stop. I did not have to remind myself of what flowers they were. But it all seemed to reverse of the moments I tried to forget. "I got you flowers." "Aww.. Dillan..." I felt his arms around my waist again. If I close my eyes, I can fool myself into thinking he's here.

That day when Allie and I went to the movies and decided to have a cheese fight, and when Daniel came and we had that water fight that got us all sick for three weeks. And maybe when they finally realized how jelous I was of them, they would stop kissing in front of me. Or anything else. That day when they were on the swingset and Allie had no idea how good she had it. I went to the slides on the otherside of the park and laid down. I remember how it felt under me. So uncomfortable but I didn't move. I looked up into the sky at the clouds and wondered how the hell I got here. Then, I closed my eyes and moved to the back of my mind. Immediatly the voices began to echo of lost feelings. "been up just sitting lying on the couch thinking about you till exactly 3:24 am. I think about times that we had..." and his voice overlapped with many until my eyes hurt. "...then I turned around to look at you... but there was a problem. I couldnt beieve it. I couldnt find you." Then changing rapidly from the softness of his vocal cords to upset screeching. "YOU SLUT!" and moving farther my mind to the one I hated the most. "I'm sorry... but I can't love you in all this chaos."

I met Daniel three or four years ago when Allie went out with him and dumped him more times then they had ever made love. Allie was the blonde haired lover everyone wanted to be, and Daniel was the attractive mysterious one that was saved by the relationship. The relationship that held everything together. Years had gone by when they were together, growing to be best friends. There were the attempts to try and make me fall in love with one of Daniel's friends. This was mostly after my heart was shoved recklessly in a blender by Dillan. I never did admit that I missed him, I just pretended to like all those hookups and attempted relationships. Lying was easy. And for a while, it worked out, but it never lasted. Not like them. Or so I thought.

It has been about a month since Allie broke up with Daniel for another guy. Daniel was the one who hesitated to take her virginty, because he loved her so much. Daniel was the one who wouldn't ever let her go near drugs. Daniel was the one who would have married her right then and there, if her parents let her. But she moved on to... Chris. The jerk. The asshole. The rebel. Never would he write the songs that Daniel used to sing to her. Never would he smell as good as Daniel, or hold her or kiss her softly. Lust, is all it was.

"Daniel..." "Hi, Emily." He whispered. "What happened with Allie?" "She's dead." Daniel said, flatly. At least it seemed a lot better than the truth.

"Oh, Socco, you're so sexy. You're so hairy!" Voices echoed through the broken down videotape of memories. Memories of Allison. Memories of last summer... Last month... A week ago. Daniel looked through the cold black material for one tape, especially. "Roses and wax kisses." Allie thought of it, and he remembered her laugh. It was so distinct, he almost felt like he was hearing it. Like she was there. But no, she was gone. For good. Daniel inserted the tape played many times before. Almost memorized. He used to record her, just incase he'd be in a situation like this where he'd never see her again. He thought of the sunlight hitting her blonde hair and how it shined in the wind. He watched as Allie flashed her bikini to the camera. And how her hair smelled like when he ran his fingers through it. Daniel heard the words a hundred times before and mouthed the sentence with her. "I love youuuu, Daniel!" And Allie jumped into the pool, and Daniel dropped his camera on the pavement and jumped in after her. Tears swept over him, recalling, her voice talking to his mind. And suddenly the air smelled like her. Voices echoing of yesterday... "It's over... over..."