Im glad Ashlee is in my life...shes the only person outside of my family that really cares about me and shows it. Unfortunately she didnt call me back tonight...lol ;-(. whichever shes still the best, Im glad ses my best friend...

I think I need to grow up. I'm really upset right now. I think I need time away from my girlfriend. I love her so much, but I mean I feel like I'm forgetting about my needs or even more, my dignity. I know that I love her more then anything and I trust her....but she is always pissed, and always gets me pissed. She keeps apologizing to me randomly saying things are gonna get better but Im sick of it...really i am. I think I am one of those boyfriends that you dont find often, I seriously drop everything for her and treat her so well. When I do something that she doesnt like she flips out. And when she does something I dont like I try so hard to suck it up. I DONT KNOW....I just think I deserve more respect then what Im receiving. I gave up on even calling her anymore because I dont want to get my hopes up, If i dont call her I cant get mad at her. whatever Ill figure something out. I think my patience has ran out though...Im not happy at all right now. we'll see what happens

Blank thoughts: Lose-Lose misery. with or without you. smiles deceive. invisible shield. unwashabe black stains. incomplete. destruction without movement. small heart and a big hole. one hundred and twenty minute hours. headaches and a sore chin. denial with a pinch of false epectations..... these are my thoughts, good or bad. I don't care.

Blank thoughts: Lose-Lose misery. with or without you. smiles deceive. invisible shield. unwashabe black stains. incomplete. destruction without movement. small heart and a big hole. one hundred and twenty minute hours. headaches and a sore chin. denial with a pinch of false epectations..... these are my thoughts, good or bad. I don't care.

Blank thoughts: Lose-Lose misery. with or without you. smiles deceive. invisible shield. unwashabe black stains. incomplete. destruction without movement. small heart and a big hole. one hundred and twenty minute hours. headaches and a sore chin. denial with a pinch of false epectations..... these are my thoughts, good or bad. I don't care.

Wow first off my profile still says Im 18...I never knew I had this thing for so long,lol..... So anyway this is what is ok, down to the point. The girl that I hated the most, at one point in time, fell right into my arms and has stolen my heart. And for so many reasons I couldnt be any happier that she did. I fell in love with her over summer and shes everything that I would want in a girl and more....nice huh? well...She also happens to be my ex from 3 years ago. Yes, yes the one that tore my heart and dumped it in the street...lol. but that was forever and a day ago... I know this is definitely a weird story but It just keeps getting better, hold on... We started talking to each other again and made ammends and stuff last year. But the point is its been like almost 3 months and Im not sure whats going on in this relationship. I keep letting myself fall more and more in love with her(which, isntmy fault, she's just so damn perfect...lol). whats the problem...? Well she goes to UCLA, 2 hours away from. Shes been in Summer school for like a month or so and shool is starting up soon. AAANNNDDDD She parties....hard, which, is fine you know thats what you do in college. Fine until we talked one night and she said that she doesnt want to see me on halloween...again, which is fine. Well fine until she said because she wants to party....lol. Her partying is fine until I feel like its more important then me(well thats how I feel things will end up).. I think our lives are so far apart right now and that the odds are against us. She hasnt done anything wrong I just feel we're in 2 different worlds right now. I want this to work out so bad, probably more then anything else in this world.... I just feel like God is telling me to move on, but I refuse to. And my worst fear is that God gets what God wants. And I know she loves me a lot....I dont know if she loves me as much, but shes not an expressive person. What should I do? I love her... P.S. sorry if this is butchy I just kinda threw this together

Wow first off my profile still says Im 18...I never knew I had this thing for so long,lol..... So anyway this is what is ok, down to the point. The girl that I hated the most, at one point in time, fell right into my arms and has stolen my heart. And for so many reasons I couldnt be any happier that she did. I fell in love with her over summer and shes everything that I would want in a girl and more....nice huh? well...She also happens to be my ex from 3 years ago. Yes, yes the one that tore my heart and dumped it in the street...lol. but that was forever and a day ago... I know this is definitely a weird story but It just keeps getting better, hold on... We started talking to each other again and made ammends and stuff last year. But the point is its been like almost 3 months and Im not sure whats going on in this relationship. I keep letting myself fall more and more in love with her(which, isntmy fault, she's just so damn perfect...lol). whats the problem...? Well she goes to UCLA, 2 hours away from. Shes been in Summer school for like a month or so and shool is starting up soon. AAANNNDDDD She parties....hard, which, is fine you know thats what you do in college. Fine until we talked one night and she said that she doesnt want to see me on halloween...again, which is fine. Well fine until she said because she wants to party....lol. Her partying is fine until I feel like its more important then me(well thats how I feel things will end up).. I think our lives are so far apart right now and that the odds are against us. She hasnt done anything wrong I just feel we're in 2 different worlds right now. I want this to work out so bad, probably more then anything else in this world.... I just feel like God is telling me to move on, but I refuse to. And my worst fear is that God gets what God wants. And I know she loves me a lot....I dont know if she loves me as much, but shes not an expressive person. What should I do? I love her... P.S. sorry if this is butchy I just kinda threw this together

Hey well um let's see...I love college...I've been here for like 3 monthes and it's nothing like high school and theres none of those kingspade/kotton mouth kings fanatic fags, I mean dont get me wrong I listen to them too i just hate the groups that say things like "DGAF"...GROW UP!...I just can't believe how much fun this is...lol I heard Nellie is gonna go to COD, that sucks she's too smart for that and she's gonna miss out but Im excited that Ash is coming out next year...hmm what else is new...oh I'm still single and lovin it...I had a gf for a week but it wasn't for me...I guess Im not the relationship type as far as that concerns me, I love it...lol.too many girls too little time!!!!!!!j/k I think Im gonna play football next year but we'll see. I also think Im gonna change my major to Middle Eastern Studies, I figure if I waste my time researching Palestine so much then I might as well just get paid for it and who knows maybe Ill write my own books someday and I found out that I had 2 very big writers in my family(one of them I guess was a president or something like that for Eygpt)how awesome is that?...and I have some of their unpublished work that my parents had stored away so I could use that as my final thesis...but anywho thats a long time awayand Im too tired to go into it, im going to bed...peace up a town

Well hey wats new...hmm.i just got from Australia a week ago and i did extremely well on the all star team and we took home the gold and i recently went to havasu for my future brother in laws bachler party....um steph broke up with me but its ok i dont think she was right for me anyway, she turned out to be everything i thought she wasnt but its all good cuz im going to college ina month anyways. My sister is getting married in like a week and im stoked. Um i think now im closer to God now that steph and i arent together so thats a good thing i guess...but i hope she does really good for herself cuz she did mean a lot to me. anyway peace up A town, bye!!!!!!!!

It's great...you know God plays with us...he really does you know?, He wants to test all of us, he throws random things at you to see what your gonna do. For me this year was my break up with my ex., my disappointing football season, 3 broken knuckles, a broken hand, fractured ankle, and overcoming a fighting problem...all of these were big bumps in my path in my eyes. But he knows that you can't do it alone because humans really do suck by themselves, so what he does is throw gaurdian angels down here to guide you..Well one day my sister came up to me and invited me to her church. At first I hesitated then I was like ok whatever...Its been about 3 or 4 months and let me tell you, I haven't been so happy....this church brought me so close to my angels, I can't believe he much closer I am with my sister, ashlee and most important The big cheese himself, God. Then on top of it a month and a half in church I started praying...I told God, hey you know what God I give up on girls. If you want me to have someone to keep me company then I trust in you and I'll humble myself to that and obey it. I told him I love him and I trust his decision....so no joke as I walk out of church that Sunday, after praying...who on this earth do I see...STEPHANIE. So we start talking and hanging out everyday and this week is or one month aniversary. Shes so awesome...anyway I gtg bye everyone....

Well I'm in a really good mood so i thought i would write in this....um life is awesome...I've been having loads of fun lately...I think Stephanie is the best thing thats happened to me at this school. we've been dating for a little while now...its so cool to date someone that my parents actually like...hahahaha. they still make fun of nellie mainly cuz she does drugs and shit now...i hope she finds God in some way. I also feel really bad because like everyone literally talks soooo much shit about her its so sad...even I feel bad for her.its ok though she's still 15..anyway Steph and I ditched school on friday and went to san diego and then mexico it was so much fun...I'm trying so hard to abstain with her...it takes all the will power I've got not to sleep with her but I've done a pretty good job at it, I know God doesn't want me to and he's helping me along the way(...a lot)...Its really hard cuz she's so freaking hot...I've never had a girl that looks like her before so I'm trying real hard to get used to all the guys that hit on her..its no biggie though...lol.its kinda funny. Everyone has been telling what an upgrade its been to go from nellie to steph...but god bless nellie and i hope she sees what everyone else does...

Well I'm tired..I'm really tired...I'm tired of people maing fun of me. People laugh and think it's funny that I'm committed to God. You know what, I feel bad for those people who arent... and I do love christian music... I love relient k, FM Static, Chevelle, Underoath, and all those chrstian bands I didnt mention...so seriously everyone can back off...God has done a lot for me. Through him all things are possible, so if I ever get dumped I wont curl in a ball a cry myself to sleep cuz I know I'l never be alone. AAAANNNNDDDDD...I do support my church and I love it, it makes me feel so good.....AAANNNDDDD I DOOOOO wear shirts that support my faith....SO like my favorite shirt says..."I would die tonight for my beliefs"....so I'm not ashamed or embarassed...later! "For God loved this world so much he sent his only begotten son, and whoever believes in him shall not pesh but havre eternal life" -John 3:16

Tonight I, like I do every tuesday, went to youth group. I was playing basketball there after the meeting was over...I sat there by myself...I couldnt stop playing its like I was having so much fun by myself...I havent play in a league in so long and its like I was just thinking of that...but when I was playing I came down on my ankle so hard...It hurt so bad and I got so pissed off...I dont know why I did....but I ran and jumped and just completely dunked the basketball...I haven't done that since like my sophmore or junior year...I dont know how I did it after all my ankle injuries but I did...lol. Afrter I did that I kinda cheered up...I ope God will show me why he did this to my ankles...and show me the path he wants me to follow...I'm kinda lost as of right now

Well Shelli just talked to me today...I feel bad now...I guess Ashlee says things to Elena,I mean I'm not gonna say thats right of Ash...but at the same time I'm not the one to judge her because everyone's guilty of that,and Elena who being the good friend she always was...went and told Nellie. Shelli told me to stop talking crap with Ash but I tried to tell her that we don't...but I didnt know about the Elena situation. So I guess someone told Nellie or something that I still call Nellie my girlfriend...but im pretty sure that I dont because I got over Nellie a loooonnnngggg time ago. Please someone tell me why is it that we broke up but the drama still follows...I dont think about Nellie I dont care who shes with or what she does...I'm serious, its not like I was even happy when I was with her....WHY DOES THE DRAMA STILL FOLLOW ME?...I found God in my life...thats all I need, I'm happy right now I have no need to talk crap about anyone....Why do peopl still think I do?....SO what happens is people spread rumors and Nellie hears them and her being her she believes them....Oh and guess what I heard Nellie still reads this journal so I dont know how much I'm gonna write in this anymore...Its time that everyone gets over themselves....I really dont notice Nellie around school anymore and she needs to stop reading this...I dont care what shelli or what anyone else thinks, we are cool I dont mind them...and Ash needs to stop talking about nellie to Elena...problem solved...everone's happy...

well...i dont know if im in a good or bad mood....someone sent me something i didnt want so i got mad earlier...I wanna go to the gym so bad but I worked 9 hours today i have to get redy cuz im going to a concert tonight...I've been doing things like that with friends cuz like i actually have to do things now that im single...lol..but w/e...I'm happy...oh and guess what...I'm almost under 200 pounds. I was weighting in at almost 225 earlier this year at one point...I like have a six pack again, kinda and I'm getting thicker but its not fat...I'm like healthy again...I think it's cuz you know how when ur with someone for a long time you pick up habits that they do...well I think I was so out of shape cuz like my ex like never went to the gym or she would run like once every two weeks.. and she doesn't watch what she eats....I picked up those habits from her...but since I'm not with her anymore...I'm doing all that again...I'm almost dunking again in basketball too... get pumped... I think what also helped is that I hyavent drank in like almost 2 weeks i think...

Hey I havent written in this in like a week. omg I had so much fun on my trip up north... I havent seen my family in so long, and my cousin gave me my tattoo that Ive been wanting to get for like the past 2 years.lol it hurt like a bitch cuz like the nerves in your back are connected to like everything... My mom was right, going up morth to get away from everything was good for me. I feel like a new person...lol. that sounded corny... this weekend was alright i got to hang out with some of my palm springs friends that i havent seen in forever...and I saw the movie Man Of The House today with a friend, it was a pretty funny movie,but next weekend i think a bunch of us are gonna get completely hammered in san diego and im pretty sure were gonna go to mexico...im pumped. Mike and I are trying to do like every stupid thing u can think of before he leaves to the navy in a month... we've been having a shit load of fun...everything has done a complete 360 degrees and it seemed to have settled down finally(not in a bad way)...

And also I want to retire this song....It hurts so bad to listen to it...I hate it more then anything now...Thanks for everything! "Nothing's gonna stop us now?" Looking in your eyes, I see a paradise. This world that I found is too good to be true. Standing here beside you, I want so much to give you this love in my heart that im feeling for you Let them say we're crazy. I don't care about that. Put your hand in my hand, baby, don't ever look back. Let the world around us just fall apart. Maybe we can make it if we're heart to heart. And we can build this thing together, stand in stone forever, nothing's gonna stop us now. And if this world runs out of lovers we'll still have eachother. Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now. I'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose you, whatever it takes to stay here with you. Take it too the good times, see it through the bad times. Whatever it takes is what I'm gonna do. Let them say we're crazy. What do they know? Put your arms around me, baby, don't ever let go. Let the world around us just fall apart. Baby, we can make it if we're heart to heart. Oh, all that I need is you. All that I ever need. All that I want to do is hold you forever, forever and ever. And we can build this thing together, stand in stone forever, nothing's gonna stop us now. And if this world runs out of lovers we'll still have eachother. Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now. And we can build this thing together, stand in stone forever, nothing's gonna stop us now. And if this world runs out of lovers we'll still have eachother. Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now.

Well lastnight was so much fun...It's funny how you hear stupid sayings like "girls will come and go but friends and family are always there for you"...But they're always right. I'm not alone...I was told that I was yesterday or friday or something but I'm not at all...I was told I have an anger problem and Ive realized it's not because I really do or because I'm taking anything that would make me get one...It's because of her...I've never been so mad in my life...literally. So hard to deal with someone you care so much about when they fuck up really bad...It hurts even worse when they know they're wrong and the only excuse they can come up with is "because I was drunk". No and what makes that even worse when earlier in your relationship the preach about how alcohol doesn't matter when it comes to that...that hurts and I have the anger problem?...anyone would be the same as me right now...anyone. So anyway when we were going down to TJ lastnight or this morning or whatever, Carol kept teasing about getting a piercing on my nipples...so finally I was just like I'll do it if my brother in law does it. So sure enough we when down and did it...omg it was crazy...lol...then we ewent back to the apartments that my friend Kari lives in we all got fucked up...that was night...then on top of it i accidentally texted and told my ex cuz her cell number is like really close to my friends...so then I got like 3 calls from ppl today, asking if the rumors are true about my nipples,oh and she told them im an alcoholic...and I'm talking shit?

Well it seems like I find that everyday that passes on I seemed to feel a little bit better...thats really not saying much but w/e... yesterday I worked from 5 to 9 lastnight... one of our employees quit on us in the middle of her shift and then her boyfriend came down and tried to fight me but he was so coked out that he didnt know what the fuck he was saying, I wanted to kick his ass so bad but we were so busy and there were customers inside the building that were all watching us(and I work for my dad so if I fought him, my dad would seriously kill me)...then I heard there was about to be a fat fight between Lq and PD and since I've been so mad lately that I felt like hitting someone, I went down there to fight...unfortunately I had my brass knuckles in my regular pants and not in my car and I was wearing my work pants....Mike gave me a lighter instead and those suck..lol. LQ I guess pussed out and like only 4 guys from there side showed and like so a couple guys fought and thats it...It was a waste of my time...so mike and I meant a bunch of friends at a parking lot and we just had some beer...It was nice cuz the beer shhteve got had like almost 9% alcohol...Thats my life...I'm so excited because tomorrow I;'m going to san diego with mike and my sister and were gonna go party all night there and in mexico..I'm gonna get my piercing there hopefully if im shit faced enough...then from the 16th to like the 20th Im going up north to get my tattoo from my cousin...I'm pumped...my sister says if I'm really shit faced that I shouldnt be surprise if I wake up the next with my nipples pierced but hope she doesnt let me do that...

It hurts when your with someone for about a year and like 4 or 5 months and they cheat on you.... It also hurts when they lie about it for over 2 weeks....it hurts when they make you feel like shit because you told them a friend of yours tried to hook up with you but you didnt let them...it hurts a lot... It hurts that she doesn't care either. She was like "um well, we were both really drunk...o well, i hate boys"...She's not even mature enough to admit it to people...we just got back together and a week later she cheated on me...who does that. She's too young for me, only someone that age would do something so immature like that and then lie about it to everyone cuz it makes her look bad.... This entire weekend has been telling me that I have all these problems too...if thats not a hypocrit then i dont know what is...but whatever, its water under the bridge...the guy she cheated on me with is like the ugliest guy she could find and when i told everyone they like gagged then laughed at her...but other then that i guess she won and i lost...he can have her and all the 15 year drama she comes with(by the way he graduated like 2 or 3 years ago, hes like 5 years older then her....lol( he's in for a real big surprise. He hits on every girl he could find but i guess nellie just feel for it. Last month he told sarit that he loved her a never wanted to lose her...lol. She fucked me over so bad for the past two and a half months. But w/e she doesn't deserve any part of me. I can't believe though how immature shes being about it...she hasnt even apologized and she won't....im serious, thats how immature she is...lol...im the guy and i didnt even cheat on her...ironic. She can't even admit to it to people. she told them that we werent together when she did it... i know sad huh?...it just sux because i know no matter what someone asks her or says, she is the type of person that will never admit to the fact that she fucked up and cheated on me, and made herself look like a cheater and whore. but w/e right she thinks as long as she happy its right.She doesn't even care right now...she doesn't one bit..She doesn't even deserve to stand in the shadow of tori....Im just so stunned that shes so immature and wont admit to people that she fucked up...so pathetic...